Reading Time: 93 Minutes

Title: Made from Love
Author: EAlexBeau
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, Male Pregnancy, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Tommy Kinard
Content Rating: R
Warnings: Major Character Death, Character Bashing, Anatomy Descriptions/Medical Descriptions, Past Domestic Violence, Canon Violence, Discussion of Infant Death (No Actual Death), NICU Descriptions, Medical Negligence, Lawsuits, Discussion of Restraining Orders
Author Note: Please see main story page for notes
Beta: FaerlyGraceful
Alpha: Irrelevant86, FaerlyGraceful
Word Count: 65,188
Summary: Bobby said that Buck would be okay and that ‘they’ would need him. He never said that ‘they’ meant the One-Eighteen, and Buck is starting to think Bobby knew something he didn’t. But he was right. ‘They’ did need him and he would, eventually, be okay.
Artist: Jilly James
Artist Appreciation: Another massive thank you to Jilly James for the art.

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CHAPTER ONE

Buck couldn’t move. Bobby is dead. The man who wanted to be his dad, not just his father figure, but his actual legal dad, is dead. And Buck couldn’t get up. They’d filled out the adoption paperwork together and Athena had dropped it off just that morning, but now Bobby is dead and Buck is stuck on the hallway floor of this godforsaken lab.

“Evan,” a voice Buck vaguely recognized penetrated the fog in his mind. “Sweetheart.” Buck knew that voice, he loved that voice. He couldn’t place it though, totally consumed by the thought my dad is dead. “Evan, we need to go so they can… We need to let them recover the b- recover Bobby.” Arms were lifting him up, their familiar bulk. Supporting him as he moved on autopilot to walk out of the building. When they got outside, Buck looked up. And realized it had been Tommy who came for him.

“Bobby’s dead,” Buck rasped. His voice sounded as rough as his throat felt from his earlier sobbing. “My dad’s dead.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, baby,” Tommy soother, wrapping Buck up in a tight hug to try and comfort him.

“Oh god, Athena. She’s still in there. I’ve got to-”

“Breathe, Evan. You’ve got to breathe,” the pilot interrupted him. “Someone from the army has her. They won’t let us back in, they barely let me in to get you.”

“The only place you two are going to is quarantine,” a new voice interrupted them. They had been so absorbed in each other that they hadn’t even noticed her coming up to them. She was about Buck’s age, but less than half his and Tommy’s size. Judging. By her glare and fatigues though, she would have no problem taking either of them down. “We have a tent just for you two. Let’s go.”

“We’ll be right behind you, Major,” Tommy said, gently leading Buck into a tent where they went through a lengthy and extremely thorough decontamination process. During the entire process, Buck kept catching Tommy looking at his stomach and chest. It was rare that Buck ever felt self conscious about his body, but there was something in the older man’s gaze that made him wish they could’ve gone through decon separately so he could be covered by the time they saw each other again.

Still, Buck wanted to draw as little attention as possible, so he waited until the army left him and Tommy alone to bring it up.

“I know I’ve gained some weight, but did you really need to stare at me so much?” he asked. Buck had tried to infuse his tone with sarcasm and sass, but he was simply too tired and worn out to sound any differently.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Tommy apologized. “You, uh, you look good,” he continued with a blush that was unlike him.

“I haven’t been hitting the gym as much as I should’ve. I just didn’t think it was that obvious to other people.”

“I think it’s only obvious to me because of how, uh, intimately I know your body.”

The two of them fell into an awkward silence after that. There was so much that Buck wanted to say, so much that he wanted to ask Tommy, but he couldn’t focus beyond the thought my dad is dead and he didn’t want to screw it up with Tommy a fourth time. Buck was so caught up in his spiral he didn’t notice Tommy getting up off the cot on the other side of the tent and coming to kneel in front of him.

“Hey, sweetheart, there you are,” Tommy sighed. He sounded extremely relieved and Buck had to wonder how long he’d been trying to get his attention. “I called your name and you didn’t even flinch. I was worried that you were going into shock.”

“I can’t stop seeing him close the door and take his mask off, Tommy. He knew the whole time we were hunting down that stupid cure. He knew he was dying and he never said anything. My father knew he was dying and he, he just, he-” Buck sobbed as Tommy carefully wrapped him up in his arms again, tucking his face into the space where his neck and shoulder met. Buck’s tears quickly soaked through the scrub top they’d given Tommy to replace his flight suit. Buck was in an identical set, but he couldn’t remember receiving them or putting them on.

“I think he knew that it was the only way,” Tommy whispered after Buck had calmed down a little. “If the army had known that Bobby was sick too, then they would’ve condemned them all to death. Cure or no cure. They wouldn’t have let anyone out and anyone who went in after them would’ve been left to die. Bobby made the choices he did to save as many as he could. That’s a captain’s job.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Buck whimpered.

“I know.”

Buck felt all cried out as he simply collapsed into Tommy’s chest, trusting that the cot would hold them both. They stayed that way until the army doctor from earlier entered their tent, now sporting a mask.

“We have the results of you preliminary blood test back. We need to take a second sample to confirm that you’re both virus free,” she told them as she set up a tray to perform the blood draw.

“We-we had our blood drawn?” Buck croaked as Tommy helped him carefully ease up into a sitting position.

“They did it before we left the decon tent,” Tommy whispered.

“I don’t remember. I-I remember the shower and-and when we were left alone, but not getting our blood drawn or get-getting dressed again.”

“I think that’s normal, sweetheart. You suffered a tragedy tonight, so it makes sense that you’re disassociating a bit.”

“Could be pregnancy brain,” the doctor added, completely indifferent to the shock she caused.

“I’m sorry, did you just say that I’m pregnant?” Buck asked, completely snapping out of his grief for a moment. “I’m not a carrier.

“Your original blood sample was tested for everything under the sun considering the circumstances. Your hormone levels are pretty high, so I’d say you’re at least twelve weeks. And a complete idiot to be working while this far along.”

“That’s out of line, Major,” Tommy snapped. “He obviously didn’t know so of course he’s going to keep doing his job.”

“Seven months. If-if I’m actually pregnant I’m either three to five weeks, to seven months along.” Buck couldn’t breathe. His father died barely two hours ago and now there’s some doctor telling him that he’s very pregnant. “But I, I can’t be pregnant. I tested negative for carrier genes as a child,” he continued to babble as the doctor took his blood. His free hand stayed glued to Tommy’s the whole time.

“You’re definitely pregnant and I highly doubt you’re under twelve weeks or that you went seven months without knowing,” the doctor countered. Her tone is full of judgement for him and Buck doesn’t even know her name.

“Major Pomeroy, I believe my partner. If he says those are the only possible dates then those are the only possible dates he could’ve conceived,” Tommy barked at her, even as he offered up his arm to have his own blood drawn. “If he was told he wasn’t a carrier, he wouldn’t have been looking for pregnancy symptoms. Now, if these tests continue to come back negative for the virus, are we free to go? We apparently need to make an appointment with a carrier specialist.”

“We’ll be testing again in two hours, when you’re well past the known incubation period,” Major Pomeroy told them, making quick work of drawing Tommy’s blood and then patching him up. “We’re also going to perform an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and how far along you are. We want as much data as possible under the circumstances.”

“Wonderful,” Buck snarked as his hands wrapped protectively around his belly. “Our baby isn’t even here yet and they’re already being treated like a lab rat.”

“Evan, honey, breathe,” Tommy instructed. “I know it feels like we’re just test subjects right now, but they’re just trying to make sure we’re ok. Especially since they don’t know much about this virus.”

“And try to look at it this way, we get to see our baby now, and make sure they’re ok instead of waiting however long it would take to find a specialist and make an appointment.”

“What if they aren’t ok, Tommy? What if I did something really really wrong and hurt them? I mean, we got super drunk a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been going into fires, and of my god vitamins. You’re supposed to take special vitamins because the baby needs more of certain nutrients to develop right. But I didn’t take those and-” Tommy cutas Buck off with a forceful kiss.

“Evan, sweetheart, I need you to calm down. I know you’re worried, I’m worried too. But worrying isn’t going to change anything. Let’s just try and breathe and then worry when we know what to worry about. And if I know anything right now, it’s that no matter what, this is not your fault. It’s not like you were never tested or tested positive and ignored it. There’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent anything because you didn’t even know there was a possibility of pregnancy,” Tommy comforted him. “And who knows, maybe you conceived during our hookup and your hormone levels are just high for some reason.”

“You’re the only possibility for the father,” Buck whimpered, practically begging the older man to believe him. “Everyone kept telling me to move on, but I couldn’t stomach even the thought of being with someone else. You have to believe me.”

“I know, Ev. I know, I believe you.”

Before either of them could continue their conversation, they were interrupted by Major Pomeroy again. This time she was accompanied by another doctor in fatigues and a mask, carrying some kind of case between them.

“Hello, Firefighter Buckley. I’m Dr. Ruiz. Before I joined the army, my specialty was OB. I’m going to use a portable ultrasound machine to check on your baby and try to figure out how far along you are. Major Pomeroy told me there’s some questions around that?” she prompted as she got the machine set up and Tommy helped Buck lay back down on the cot.

“Major Pomeroy said my hormone levels indicate that I’m at least twelve weeks pregnant, but I had a roughly six month long dry spell that I only broke once, three weeks ago. I-I know for women they tend to add like tw-two weeks, so I’m either th-three to five weeks pregnant or s-seven months,” Buck explained, breaking into a stutter as he gave her more details about his when he thought that he conceived.

“We tend to count from a woman’s last period, so sometimes we add a couple weeks, sometimes we don’t. For carriers it can be a little more tricky, but I’m afraid I didn’t specialize in that so I only know the basics,” Dr. Ruiz told him as she snapped on a pair of surgical gloves. “I’m gonna put some gel on your abdomen, it’s probably going to be cold.”

”And here I thought they just said that on TV,” Buck tried to joke, blindly reaching for Tommy’s hand.

“Nope. Sometimes they get it right on Grey’s Anatomy.”

There was silence as the doctor moved the ultrasound wand around his stomach. The longer the silence went on and the more intense the look of concentration on Dr. Ruiz’s face, the more worried Buck became. A quick look over at Tommy showed he was just as worried as Buck. Finally, the silence was broken by fast paced whooshing.

“And that, gentlemen, is your baby’s heartbeat. Took me a minute since the placenta is positioned so far forward. But based on the heart rate and growth, I would put you on track for the end of week twenty-eight. So you were right, Mr. Buckley. You’re seven months along. You should make an appointment with a specialist in male carrier pregnancies as soon as possible, but I’m not seeing anything right now that makes me overly concerned.”

“Sh-shouldn’t I be feeling movement?” Buck asked. “My-my sister is just about seven months, too, and she me-mentioned something a-about kick counts the last time we talked about it.”

“A decrease of fetal movement can be a sign of several issues, but between the extra space afforded by your height and the cushioning of the placenta, you may not feel much movement. But it’s you look here,” Dr. Ruiz said as she moved the monitor to face him and Tommy, quickly moving to circle a specific part of the screen, “your baby is clenching and unclenching their fist.”

“Oh my God, Tommy that’s our baby,” Buck gasped upon seeing the little hand on the screen, indeed making a fist and then spreading their incredibly tiny fingers.

“I see, Evan,” Tommy assured him. He sounded like he was holding back tears and when Buck looked he was wiping one away.

“We’re going to take one more blood sample from you both in about an hour. As long as that sample comes back negative, which we believe that it will, then you’ll both be free to go,” Dr. Ruiz explained as she wiped the gel from Buck’s stomach. “I’m also going to give you a report for whatever specialist you end up seeing so that they don’t have to start completely from square one.”

“Thank you, Dr. Ruiz,” Tommy told her as he helped Buck sit back up. Part of Buck wanted to protest the assistance, but quickly realized that he definitely needed it when black dots started dancing across his eyes. Tommy must have realized the Buck needed more help too because he then turned to address Major Pomeroy. “We’ve been here for hours now, Major. Can we at least get some water?”

“I’ll bring some in a minute,” she huffed before helping Dr. Ruiz carry the ultrasound out again.

“When was the last time you ate, Evan?”

“Lunch at the station. I-I made some different breads so Bobby put a sandwich bar together. He-” Buck cut himself off with a gasping sob.

“Hey, Evan, it’s gonna be ok,” Tommy cooed, running his hand through Buck’s greasy curls.

“I w-was just to-thinking about how, how excited Bobby wo-would be to be a grandpa. B-but hell never meet our b-baby. He’ll never make their first baby food, or-or remind me to rest, or eat m-more.”

“I know, Ev, and I’m so sorry our baby won’t have him.”

Feeling safe in Tommy’s arms, Buck cried until he physically couldn’t anymore and he dissociated again, only coming to when Tommy coaxed him to drink the water Major Pomeroy brought them.

_______

“You’re both free to go,” Major Pomeroy briskly informed them before turning around and marching out of their tent. “It goes without saying that what happened tonight is highly confidential. No charges are being formally filed against either of you at this time, but if you break that confidentiality, that may change. There will be NDAs provided for you to sign before your personal belongings will be returned.”

“My helicopter?” Tommy asked her once he was sure Buck could stand on his own.

“It was cleared and is virus free. Someone from the LAFD will be contacted if the FBI decide to keep it as evidence.” With that delightful news, Major Pomeroy herded them out of the tent.

Almost as soon as they were out of their isolation tent, they were ushered into yet another tent, where they were greeted by multiple advocates from the JAG Corps. One for the Army, holding the NDAs, one from the Army, representing Tommy, and another from the Navy, representing Buck.

“Can’t stay out of trouble, can you, Buckley?” the Navy rep teased.

“Everyone agreed that incident at the end of BUDs wasn’t my fault, Michaels,” Buck rasped.

“I wouldn’t wish your luck on my worst enemy, man.”

“What about you? Couldn’t hack it as a frogman?”

“Injury took me out about a year in. Decided to go back to school so I could transfer to JAG. Pure luck that I was able to take your case.”

“Evan?” Tommy asked from his side. Buck quickly realized that his ex was the only in the room who wasn’t ‘in the know.’

“When I was seventeen, I convinced my parents to sign off on me joining the Navy. When I was nineteen, I tried to get Maddie to leave Doug, her first husband who was a piece of human garbage. She wasn’t ready, though. Maddie had assumed that I was in college and got kicked out, so I just let her believe that. Right after that is when I found out that I got into BUDs. There was an accident in training and I almost died, except it turns out that it wasn’t an accident,” Buck babbled, doing his best to explain a time in his life the he never talked about.

“One of the guys in our class had some issues that didn’t come up in his psych evals. He ended up having a complete psychotic break and no one knew until he tampered with Buckley’s equipment. He thought that Buckley was possessed and that killing him was the only way to protect everyone,” Michaels took over and explained what Buck considered the hardest part to explain.

“My ability to trust was completely destroyed after that, so I got a medical discharge. Traveled solo after that, sent Maddie a bunch of postcards. Tried to tell her about BUDs, but I couldn’t admit to all of it, so I just said I couldn’t handle it emotionally and rang out. Told B-Bobby the same thing. Peru was the longest I stayed in one place before I came to LA, an it took me months to stop panicking after I decided to follow Connor back here.”

“I’m not mad you never told me,” Tommy rushed to reassure Buck. “But I am curious about how you could’ve joined BUDs of all things and still never have learned that you were a carrier.”

“My medical files all said that I was negative for the gene. I can only guess that was enough for the Navy docs.”

“As interesting as all of this is, let’s get these NDAs signed so we can all go home and to bed,” the Army’s advocate ordered, calling everyone back to the immediate task at hand. What followed was an hour of thoroughly going over the terms and fine print of the NDAs, including a very specific list of who they could tell about the details of the call who were not already involved in it. Buck expected the upper brass, but he was surprised to see Eddie on the list. When he asked Michaels about it, all the other sailor knew was that someone else had requested that Edmundo Diaz be added to the list, but he didn’t know who or why the Army ultimately agreed to it.

“Someone from Fort Bliss will contact him in the morning to make sure that he signs his own NDA,” Michaels assured him.

As soon as all of the paperwork was signed, initialed, and dated in the correct places, Tommy politely asked for their personal belongings back. “We need our phones to arrange some kind of transport home,” he reminded the Army advocate, who couldn’t seem to stop glaring at them. If Buck had to deal with that for even another minute, then he was going to lose it. He was at his goddamn limit.

“Someone from your station already arranged that,” the advocate huffed before handing over two bags labeled with their names and their contents. “Other than the phone call from Buckley to Kinard, there’s nothing that can be considered evidence. A call log will likely be obtained by subpoena from your phone carriers if it’s needed. You’re free to go.”

“Then we’ll take our leave. C’mon, Evan,” Tommy whispered as he put a hand on his lower back and gently led him out of the tent and toward the perimeter line where a familiar figure was waiting for them.

“Hey guys.”

“Hey, Jake” Tommy greeted his neighbor. “Miriam send you?”

“Yep. Wanted me to tell you that the brass are pretty pissed about you taking the helicopter again, but not nearly as pissed as they are that the Army planned to sacrifice a whole LAFD team without even attempting to give them medical attention. I think the phrase ‘human labrats’ was thrown around a few times.”

“So much for the NDAs we just signed. Guess the Army underestimated how quickly things spread among first responders,” Tommy joked, his voice infected with a mean drawl. It almost brought Buck comfort, hearing Tommy be his normal bitchy self. Before he could pipe up with his own commentary thought, Buck spotted May pulling up, presumable so Athena wouldn’t try to drive her cruiser back to the precinct. Tommy noticed, too.

“Go check on May and Athena, then we can get out of here.”

Then it was like Buck blinked and his little sister was whimpering in his arms.

“I can’t believe that Bobby’s actually gone,” she cried.

“I know, I can’t believe it either. I don’t want to,” Buck confessed. He and May just cried together for a minute before Buck felt slim arms wrap around them. When he looked up, he was confronted with a red eyed Athena.

“Bobby loved you both so much. And he made the only choice he could,” she tried to comfort them.

“C-can I-, is there anything you need me to do tonight?” Buck asked.

“If someone could call Eddie, I would appreciate it. Otherwise, you just let your man take care of you and make sure you fight for your love. Don’t waste any time,” Athena ordered.

“I will,” he swore.

_______

When Jake asked where they were going, Tommy instructed him to drop them off at Evan’s house. It was ultimately closer and Tommy wanted to get him into bed as soon as humanly possible.

They’d spent the drive over tucked together in the back of Jake’s truck, Evan’s head pillowed on Tommy’s shoulder, his own fingers carding through Evan’s hair. They hadn’t spoken a single word other than to give Jake directions, but Tommy wasn’t going to push the younger man to talk. He would speak when he was ready.

It seemed though that Evan was just waiting until they were alone, because as soon as they were safely ensconced in the house, he started talking.

“Athena said that needs someone to call Eddie,” he rasped.

“I can do that,” Tommy offered. They’d both had a long day and needed to go to bed, but Evan was also growing a whole new human. A new, tiny human that he and Evan had made and that they would be responsible for. It was a thought that just seemed impossible to Tommy. They were having a baby, a baby they conceived before they broke up, back before Tommy blew up their lives. He could feel the oncoming panic attack, but he pushed it down. Evan needed him right now, he could (and would) panic later. “Did you tell Athena and May about the baby?”

“No,” Evan softly admitted. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I have no clue what I would even tell them. One second I think I’m about to have a panic attack, the next I’m amazed that I’m going to be a parent, and then I remember that my dad just died and I feel so guilty for being excited for even a second about this baby.”

“I’m scared too. But I’m also starting to get excited, the longer it sinks in that we’re really going to be dads together. And I think Bobby would be so happy and excited for us. He wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about your own excitement. He’d also want you to get some rest so how about you go to bed and I’ll call Eddie, tell him what happened,” Tommy suggested.

Evan shook his head before countering with, “I, I wanna call my parents. See if they know if-if maybe there was some mix up, or who my doctor was when I was tested. It’s early, but I-I can’t remember the details and I need to know.”

“Ok, but if they don’t answer, will you go to bed and try again in the morning?”

Evan grumbled but ultimately agreed after securing a promise from Tommy to join him after his own phone call instead of trying to sleep on the couch again. Which is how Tommy finds himself sitting on the back steps, calling a man he hadn’t spoken to in almost six months, since before he broke up with Evan. A man Tommy had accused Evan of having feelings for, ruining his one chance of getting Evan to take him back.

He’s not having Diaz’s baby, though, a mean voice whispered in the back of Tommy’s mind. Evan’s having your baby.

“Hello?” a familiar voice rumbled through t the speakers on Tommy’s phone. It was rough with sleep and Tommy felt guilty for waking him up.

“It’s Tommy,” he began before Diaz cut him off.

“Why the fuck are you calling me right now, Kinard? Do you know what time it is?”

“I am painfully aware of the time, Diaz. But something happened and I said I’d handle calling you.”

“What stupid, reckless stunt did Buck pull now,” Diaz growled. “How bad is it and why didn’t Bobby or one of the others call me?”

“Physically, Evan’s fine. But…” Tommy trailed off, trying to find the courage to break the news that someone they both respected a great deal was dead to someone that Tommy had once considered a friend.

“Spit it out, Kinard.”

“Bobby Nash is dead.”

“What. Happened.”

Chapter Two

“Evan?” Tommy called when he came back inside. Buck heard him, but he didn’t know how to answer him. It was like his whole body was frozen and he couldn’t make a sound. “Sweetheart?” Tommy called again before his face appeared in front of Buck’s.

When Tommy had made Buck promise to go to bed if his parents didn’t answer, Buck had agreed. Truthfully, that was exactly what he had expected to happen. Buck almost never called his parents and they never called him. All of the contact typically happened through Maddie. It wasn’t that they purposely tried to use her as an intermediary, it was just that most of their conversations revolved around her in some way. If it wasn’t for Maddie’s wish to have them all be one big, happy family, Buck would be perfectly content to never speak to or see his parents again. And while they had never explicitly stated so, he had a feeling that the elder Buckley’s felt the same about him. There were just simply too many bad memories.

“My, my father answered,” Buck finally gasped.

“Do you wanna talk about what he said, or do you want to go to bed?” Tommy asked, sensing Buck’s distress.

“Talk.”

“Okay, whatever you want to tell me, whenever you’re ready.” Buck loved that Tommy knew when Buck needed to be pushed and when he just needed silent support, like now.

Buck took a minute to gather his thoughts, then started speaking.

He was surprised that his father actually answered the phone. It was four in the morning in Hershey, so his biological parents should be sound asleep. Despite that, Phillip sounded wide awake,

“Evan?”

“It’s Buck,” he automatically corrected the older man.

“Sorry, Buck,” Phillip exasperatedly corrected himself. “Is everything ok? You never call us, especially not at this hour.”

“There was an incident on a call-”

“Is Howard ok? Is it bad? Does Maddie need us to come out to help with Jee?”

“Father,” Buck couldn’t bring himself to call Phillip Dad, even though he’s never called Bobby that either. He’d only ever called him Pops. “Calm down, please. Chimney was hurt and he’ll likely be in the hospital for a little bit, but that’s not why I called. I need to ask you something.”

“Evan, your brother-in-law was hurt, he’s in the hospital again while your sister is pregnant, and all you can think about is yourself?!”

“Stop! Okay? Just stop! For once in my life, just once, I need you to put me first. Maddie will let you know about Chim and whatever help she needs when she’s ready. I’m calling you about something that happened to me, your son, that I need your help with,” Buck argued.

There was silence as Phillip digested Buck’s outburst. Growing up, it had always been Phillip who was more likely to actually listen to what Buck needed emotionally or mentally. “You’re right, I’m sorry, How can I help you, Buck?”

“Because of what happened, it was decided that we all needed to go through some medical testing. I can’t tell you exactly what happened on the call to need those tests because it’s all confidential and I signed an NDA, but they were extremely thorough. So thorough that the tests revealed that I’m a male carrier. I don’t remember how old I was when I was originally tested, just that it came back negative. I wanted to know if there was a chance that maybe my results got mixed up with someone else’s, or something,” Buck explained. “It’s a pretty serious thing that I need to know about my health.”

Phillip was silent again, the only thing audible through his phone was his breathing. But something about the energy of the moment was different. They were separated by almost three thousand miles, but Buck could feel how nervous his bio father was. “You weren’t tested,” Phillip finally admitted. “We just assumed that you didn’t have the carrier gene.”

“Why?!” Buck demanded, his free hand clenched into a fist on his thigh. He was not a violent person by nature, but if this admission wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back and made him want to hit something, then Buck would eat his favorite pair of sneakers. “Why would you just assume something like that instead of getting me tested?! It was a simple blood test, even in the nineties!”

“Because Daniel tested negative for the gene.”

Buck wanted to be shocked, he really, really did. But not even his ability to carry a child could be solely about him. Not when his very existence was only because Daniel needed a bone marrow donor and there wasn’t a national registry like there is today. “What do you mean?”

“When Daniel was first diagnosed, they were only just starting to do blood tests for the carrier gene. The doctors decided to test Daniel specifically as part of a study on childhood chemo and its effects on future fertility. He tested negative, so we didn’t think much of it again. Then when we decided to try and have another child who would be a match for a marrow transplant, we knew we couldn’t leave it up to chance. IVF at the time was advanced enough to let us choose an embryo that was most likely to be a match. We got very lucky and your mother got pregnant on the first try. With you. Then when you were born, we just assumed that since you were meant to be a match to Daniel, that you would be negative for the carrier gene as well. We tried not to think about it again after that.Your mother associated testing for the gene with Daniel’s diagnosis, so we never had you tested to confirm that you’re negative for the gene. We simply told your doctors that you were tested at birth and that the records were lost and that was enough for them.”

“You should have told me.. What if I knew that I liked men earlier? Like when I was a teenager. I wouldn’t have known that I could get pregnant and that I needed to take specific precautions against that. You definitely should have told me when you met Tommy last year.

“This is my health that you and mother played games with. All because you couldn’t move past your grief or at least learn to grieve and still be decent parents.”

”I’m sorry, Evan. We just-”

“Just nothing. Sorry isn’t good enough this time. It never was, if I’m being honest. I need time to process all of this. Please don’t call me or try to contact me through Maddie. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready. And for the last time, call me Buck. Tommy is the only one who has Evan privileges!” Buck snapped, completely done with his biological parents and the way that they’ve treated him his whole life.

“Why is he allowed to call you the name your mother and I gave you and we can’t?” Phillip huffed, now just as disgruntled as he usually sounded when dealing with Buck. “Especially since your sister said you two broke up.”

“Because Tommy has never said Evan like the name hurts him or like I’m a disappointment,” Buck said before abruptly hanging up the phone and blocking his parents’ numbers. Then he just sat in silence until Tommy came back inside.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I wish you weren’t going through all of this,” Tommy said as he wrapped Buck up in his arms again.

“I-I don’t regret our baby or how they were conceived. I just wish that my parents could put me first for once. If they couldn’t even get me tested or be honest with me about not being tested, then how can I ever trust them? How can I let them near our baby?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But I think we should leave figuring it out for tomorrow and get some sleep.”

“It is tomorrow,” Buck grumbled, but let Tommy get him up and guide him through brushing his teeth and then tuck him into bed. Buck dozed, only able to actually fall asleep once Tommy climbed into bed with him, wrapping around Buck’s body and laying his hand on the younger man’s stomach. Protecting his family, even in sleep.

_______

It was deja vu as Buck once more woke up alone after falling asleep with Tommy. But just like when they hooked up several weeks before, once Buck focused, he could smell bacon and coffee and hear Tommy puttering around in the kitchen. He’s gone to sleep in gym shorts and a cut off tee, so Buck just brushed his tether and then joined his ex for breakfast.

“I saved the champagne,” Buck rasped, watching Tommy at the stove, just like last time.

“What?” Tommy asked, turning the burner off and turning to face him.

“The champagne you bought last time? I found it in the freezer after you left and saved it. I guess I was hoping that one day we would be able to talk and share it, even if it was just to toast our good memories and then go our separate ways. Not exactly recommended right now though.”

“No. And considering our current circumstances, I hope that we don’t decide to completely go our separate ways. Maybe we can talk about everything after we eat? We’ve got a lot to try and figure out and not a lot of time to do it. I’d feel better if we at least had an idea before the baby comes so we can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the first few weeks with the baby without worrying about us,” Tommy explained as he played platters of food on the dining table. “For now though, my first priority is to make sure that you’re both fed.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Buck agreed, taking a seat and just letting Tommy take care of him. He ran the tines of his fork over the scrambled eggs Tommy gave him before asking something he hadn’t had a chance to ask the night before. “How did Eddie take the news?”

“Well, he was pretty pissed that I was calling him in the middle of the night. Then he assumed that I was calling him because you were ‘stupid’ and ‘reckless,’” Tommy emphasized the exact words that Eddie and the One-Eighteen as a whole tended to use to describe Buck. “He wanted to know the details of the call, but I kept it to the broad strokes. If I’m being completely honest, I wasn’t up for telling him the nitty gritty stuff that he wanted to know.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m ever going to grow out of my reputation as an impulsive idiot. Eddie wasn’t even there for the worst of it when I was a probie, but he got to hear all about it and he was never hazed or treated like a probie. Everyone basically decided that being a veteran and a single dad meant he should skip the probie stage, unofficially. His first ever call, Bobby let Eddie throw the regulations out the window, but any time I’ve tried to do that, even in the last year or two, I got a lecture. So I’m not surprised that Eddie’s first instinct was that you were calling about me.”

Buck watched Tommy stab at his own eggs before aggressively chewing them. “I’m not a parent yet, whether that’s because it still hasn’t sunk in or because the baby is still safe inside you, but I am a veteran. That didn’t get me out of being treated like a probie and it shouldn’t have. Even taking away the hazing part, even the light hearted hazing, being a probie is about learning the finer details of being a firefighter. Being a soldier or a combat medic doesn’t translate to that.”

“Yeah, I was admittedly a bit of a dick to Eddie at first, but he was a show off. ‘I’ve done the job while being shot at,’ was what he said, or something along the lines of that.”

“Yeah, no, fuck Diaz just for that.”

Buck laughed at the sentiment. “You know, there was this call that finally got our heads out of our asses, I’ll tell you about it some other time, but at the end of it we promised to have each other’s backs. But when I think about the last year or so, even considering everything that’s happened between me and you, you’ve been the one to actually have my back.”

“Evan,” Tommy sighed. Buck had told Phillip that Tommy had never said his name like he was disappointed in him. Even now, Tommy didn’t sound like he was disappointed in him. More like Tommy hurt for him.

“C-can we talk about something else? Ev-everything with Eddie feels really, really complicated right now. He’s be-been my best friend for years, but things between us haven’t been very good lately.”

Tommy had the grace to not point out that Buck was the one to originally bring up Eddie. He simply agreed and changed the subject. “Do you want to check in with everyone while we finish eating? Then we can figure out where we want to have our talk.”

“Yeah, I’d really like that,” Buck admitted. He’d been worried about his team after everything they’d been through in the past twenty-four hours. Buck wasn’t sure if Chimney and Hen had their phones, so he texted Maddie and Karen to check on them before texting Ravi, Eddie, and Athena. By the time he and Tommy had finished eating, packing up the food, and done the dishes, the only one to text him back was May. She told him Athena had gotten his text, but she was talking to Michael about what had happened. Apparently it was hard to talk about without giving too many details that they weren’t allowed to talk about. After that, May was gonna try to make Athena get some more sleep before she checked back in with Buck.

“Do you wanna try calling your sister?” Tommy asked as he and Buck got settled on the couch with a glass of iced tea each.

“No. She’ll probably just get annoyed that I’m pulling her attention away from Chim and Jee. I’ll wait for her to get back to me. If I still haven’t heard from any of them in the morning then I’ll try again,” Buck told him. He wasn’t ready to tell his ex about the fight he and Maddie had about Tommy and Buck’s nonexistent feelings for Eddie. Buck was sure it would come up in their conversation eventually, but he needed a moment to gather his thoughts.

Tommy hesitated, but ultimately agreed with Buck’s plan. “If you’re sure, we can table that for later.”

“I, uh, I know I was the one who insisted on having this conversation, but where did you want to start?”

“The way I see it, we have three things that we really need to talk about. What happened with our relationship, if we want to try again, and the baby,” Tommy pointed out.

“I know we said that we were gonna talk about us, but can we talk about the baby first? No matter what happens between us, they need to be our priority.”

“I completely agree. I know it might take you a while to trust that I’m not going to run again, but I swear to you, Evan, that I’m one-hundred percent in. The minute the doctor told us that you’re pregnant, I knew I was the other father, and I promised myself that I would be a better father to them than mine ever was to me. That means no running.”

“I believe you. And I do trust that you’re not gonna abandon our baby. It’s just gonna take time to trust that you aren’t gonna leave me. And that’s mainly my abandonment issues talking. I started seeing a new therapist recently, trying to deal with those. He’s gonna have a field day when I tell him about all of this.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy whispered. Buck couldn’t stand the guilt on the older man’s face and rushed to assure Tommy it wasn’t his fault.

“Tommy, I was practically born with abandonment issues. The, uh, the breakup didn’t help, but ultimately none of this is your fault. As long as we can agree to co-parent peacefully no matter what we decide to do about us, then it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.”

“Oh course, Evan. No matter what.”

“You were right, earlier. It’s a lot to adjust to and we don’t have much time to do it. It’s just that I-”

“Evan?” Tommy gently prodded when Buck didn’t pick his last train of thought back up. Buck took a deep breath and looked up from where he’d been picking at his cuticles to meet Tommy’s eyes.

“B-back in the lab, when Bobby, when he, when he took off his mask, before Athena got there, B- he told me that everything was going to be okay and that they would need me. He said he loved me and I, I didn’t say it back. I didn’t say it back, Tommy,” Buck cried, falling into Tommy’s arms just like he had the night before.

“He knew. I promise you, baby, that your dad knew,” Tommy whispered before pressing a hard kiss to Buck’s birthmark.

“I thought Bobby meant the One-Eighteen would need me. But now…”

“Now you think he meant that the baby would need you?”

“I know it sounds ridiculous. I know that I’ve been pregnant for a while and just didn’t know it. But with the timing of everything, it, uh, it kinda feels like B-Bobby might’ve, uh, might’ve…”

“Like maybe he sent them to let us know that it really would be okay?” Tommy suggested, easily able to catch on to Buk’s line of thought.

“Exactly,” Buck said as Tommy moved him so they were sitting back to chest.

“I completely get that, sweetheart. It really does feel like Bobby subconsciously knew.”

“I want to support everyone, take care of them like Pops would’ve. We all lost him. But I lost my dad, not just my friend or my captain. That- that’s a lot of grief to work through. I don’t know how to do that, work on us, adjust to having a baby in a few months, and support everyone else,” Buck confessed, grabbing Tommy’s hand to play with his fingers the way he did when they would have home movie nights.

“So don’t,” Tommy instructed. “They’re all grownups with support systems. They can navigate their grief without relying on you. Give them what you can handle, but don’t make them a priority. Focus on your own grief and the baby.”

“And us. You’re part of my support system. If you’re okay with that,” Buck was glad to be facing away from Tommy so he couldn’t see the blush covering his entire face. “And I-I hope I’m part of yours.”

“Of course you’re part of my support system. And I’m honored that you consider me part of your system, honey.”

“I missed you calling me pet names. I was a mess when you called me Buck, though. Please never call me that again,” Buck begged.

“I’m sorry, Evan. I was hurting, in flight mode, and all I could think about was putting physical and emotional distance between us. Realizing that you’d put me up on a pedestal shocked me and all I could think was that our relationship was always going to end, I should do it before I got in any deeper.”

“But the thing is, I did think our relationship could make it. And I know that I just skipped a bunch of steps, but you know that I get messed up like that sometimes. I don’t blame you for wanting to protect your heart, but I wish you’d just asked me to slow down or said that you needed some space instead of just running.”

“Can I ask why you didn’t call me or try to stop me from leaving?”

“I’ve chased people who left me before. It never ends well for me. When I found out about my brother Daniel, when I found out why my parents were so distant with me, I promised myself that I wouldn’t chase someone who made it clear that they didn’t want me. So I, uh, baked instead. Anytime I wanted to call you or text you, I baked something instead. It only took me a couple of weeks to fill everyone’s fridges with bread and cakes and cookies and scones. B-Bobby called it a coping method for cravings, like you were an addiction. I did almost call you once, when you were bubbling me-”

“When I was what?” Tommy interrupted him, turning Buck around to face him.

“When you were bubbling me. That little text bubble with dots that you can see when the other person is texting you? I could see you typing and deleting something. I was worried something had happened to you, so I was about to call you. But I was on shift and when Eddie and Hen saw me, they stole my phone and played keep away with it. Everyone was telling me to leave you alone, not to call you. We were barely broken up for two weeks when Maddie was telling me to start dating again. I kinda figured they were all talking to you and that’s why they told me not to call you,” Buck explained.

“That’s why you were so surprised that I hadn’t talked to any of them since before our breakup.”

“Yeah. They were all so adamant about me not calling you and moving on that I figured you must have said something to one of them.”

“Yeah, no. But I also wasn’t surprised when they all dropped me. I wasn’t super close to Hen, Howie only calls me when he needs a favor, and Diaz is your best friend. They’re your family.”

“It hasn’t felt like that lately. Eddie straight up said his family is in Texas. Maddie and Chim made this little family unit with the Wilsons that I’m not part of. They had a gender reveal for Jee, but I wasn’t invited to it. I’m her actual uncle, but they only invited the Wilson family over to tell Jee that she was getting a little brother. They also made it really clear to me that if I hadn’t guessed that Maddie was pregnant, then they wouldn’t have told me first. They would have kept it a secret for as long as they could, and probably told Hen and Karen first.”

“I’m so sorry, honey.”

“You said that you felt like I put you on a pedestal, the night you broke up with me. What did you mean?” By this point, Buck had fully turned to face Tommy, leaning back on the arm of the couch and swinging his feet up into Tommy’s lap. The older man immediately picked one up and began giving it a massage.

“Can you do me a favor and try to stay off your feet today?” Tommy requested. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them so swollen and they’ve got me a little worried.”

“I’ll do my best. Now answer my question, please.”

Tommy hummed in what Buck assumed was agreement, but focused mainly on his massage for another minute or so. “The Abby thing and you asking me to move in before you’d even said ‘I love you’ definitely scared me. But you saying that you admire me and treating me like some paragon of gay virtue like I was marching in the streets and protesting for our rights terrified me. I hid, Evan. I was so deep in the closet that I couldn’t even admit to myself that I’m gay until Hen joined the station, and I still couldn’t bring myself to do more than have some drunken hook up in a club. It wasn’t until I ended my engagement that I said it aloud. I didn’t start dating men until I moved to Harbor.”

“Learning that you were Abby’s Tommy really threw me. At first I thought I was hurt that you could lie to someone like that. But then I realized that it was that you could lie to Abby like that because I had only had her side of the story when we dated. I needed to talk to someone about it so I turned to Maddie about it, but it didn’t go very well.

“First Maddie said that Abby seemed to turn men gay. I called her out on that, but then her best friend Josh came into the break room and decided to invite himself to join our conversation. He gave me this big speech about being gay and out pre- and post-Glee. Made me feel like I was a bad boyfriend for not, like, I don’t know, making a bigger deal of you coming out? Then he asked me if I loved you, but I didn’t want to say it and become gossip fodder for Josh and Maddie. So he asked me all of these questions and it just made my mind race. It didn’t slow down until after you walked out after breaking up with me.”

Tommy just stared at him in shock, his hands no longer moving. It wasn’t the first time that Buck had made him speechless, but it certainly seemed like the most impactful time. “Ok, first, don’t take Glee as being this hugely helpful thing for the gay community. It promoted harmful stereotypes, hyped up some very unhealthy relationships, and was often biphobic too. Second, I’ve met Josh. He and I are very different and he sometimes forgets that everyone’s coming out journey is different and not influenced by the same things.”

“He’s also pretty stereotypically gay,” Buck sighed. “I’d never say that to anyone but you, not even Hen and Karen, because I’d probably get a lecture about harmful stereotyping, but it’s true. There’s nothing wrong with that, I agree that stereotypes are harmful, but you can’t ignore that they do exist, and Josh meets a lot of those stereotypes of what a gay man is like. It definitely is something that would influence his coming out journey. Not to mention that he may be a dispatcher now, but he used to work in an office, so Josh hasn’t had to deal with the additional stereotypes about masculinity that come with firefighting and-” Buck cut himself off before he could reveal something that wasn’t his business to talk about. On the other hand, Buck felt that Tommy needed to know in order to fully understand why Buck put so much stock into what Josh said.

“Hey, where’d you go?” Tommy called, tapping Buck’s calf to get his attention.

“I honestly don’t think I have any right to tell you about this, but I also think that without it, you won’t understand why I took Josh’s lecture the way I did.”

“Baby, I promise that whatever you tell me will stay with me,” Tommy swore.

“I don’t know if Chimney told you, or if you heard about it through the first responder grapevine, but just before Covid, dispatch was taken hostage.”

“Yeah, as part of an art heist, right?”

“What was kept under wraps was how they got access to the building. Josh met up with someone from a dating app. They went on a movie date in a park or something. But then Josh’s date lured him somewhere more secluded where his buddy was waiting. They beat him up and stole his wallet. Josh was too embarrassed about the gay bashing to report it, so no one realized that it was a cover to steal his dispatch key card until he recognized one of the hostage takers,” Buck quietly explained. Something about the moment called for the lower volume even though they were alone.

“No wonder you took his lecture on the gay experience the way you did,” Tommy muttered as he moved from massaging Buck’s feet to massaging his calves.

“It definitely influenced how much weight I gave his words about the gay experience. But the thing is, yeah, Josh went through a horrible thing, but we’ll never know if they beat him up purely as a cover or as a chance to steal his badge and beat up a gay man. And none of that makes what you went through under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell any less scary, and especially what you went through under Gerrard. When Chim told the story of saving you at the medal ceremony, all I could think was ‘and Gerard never even knew that Tommy’s gay. What would’ve happened if he did?’ Chim and Hen may have complained about the bullying, but they never said that your old crew set them up to die on a call. But I think that if you were out back then, at the very least Gerrard would’ve been even more careless with your safety,” Buck pointed out.

“I hear you, Evan. And I think I get where you’re coming from. It might take me a while to stop blaming myself for my actions back then, even if they protected me. I’m sorry that I didn’t let you explain what you meant or tell you more about my insecurities that night. Instead I just reacted and I hurt us both instead.”

“I forgive you,” Buck said with a small smile, more a tiny crook of the lips than anything. “Do you think we could take a nap then continue our conversation over lunch?”

“Anything you want, Evan.”

Chapter Three

The two men only napped for maybe thirty minutes, but Buck woke up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of his conversation with Tommy and trying to book an emergency appointment with a carrier specialist. At least he would be up to all of that after lunch.

“Mmm, feeling better, baby?” Tommy rumbled from behind him, the arm around Buck’s waist tightening for a moment.

“Yeah, I’ve been taking a lot of naps when I’m not on shift. Guess now I know why,” Buck mumbled back as he snuggled back, trying to sink deeper into Tommy’s embrace. “Can we order lunch from that,” Buck interrupted his own sentence with a long, low yawn, “-that place with the noodles and the peanuts?”

“You mean that Thai place you love? Sure, honey, we can do that. Feel up to talking while we wait, or do you want to start looking for a specialist?”

“Can we talk about the hookup? I, I feel like if we talk about that, then we can handle everything else as it comes.”

“Ok, I’m sorry for just running out without talking about things again, but what you said about not having feelings for everyone you sleep with really hurt me,” Tommy began.

“I fully admit that it makes me an asshole, but I wanted it to hurt a little. I was already dealing with a flare up of my abandonment issues between our breakup and Eddie moving. The way you called him the competition and seemed happy that he was gone, that I lost part of my support system. I let my anger get the best of me and I’m sorry.”

“I can’t lie and tell you that what you said didn’t hurt, because it did. Especially when you didn’t deny being in love with Diaz, just said that he was straight. I’ve been the guy in love with his straight friend, it happens.”

“I’m not in love with Eddie, and I never have been. The idea that you couldn’t trust me and my feelings, that killed me, Tommy.”

“The main reason I made the competition remark was because you put him first. You canceled or you postponed date nights when Diaz needed you. Or you would invite him along. And I just wanted more time with you. I even had fun hanging out with Diaz in a group, but I also had your sister and Hen and Howie whispering in my ears about how you were in love with Diaz and that it was only a matter of time before you admitted it.”

Buck didn’t know what to think about the fact that so many members of his family had been essentially telling his boyfriend that he was having an emotional affair with his best friend. Did they tell Taylor and Natalia the same thing, or just Tommy? Did they decide that liking men meant he couldn’t be friends with other men now, so of course he must be in love with Eddie? His mind was racing with a million and one thoughts.

“I’m, I mean, God. Why didn’t you tell me what they were all saying, Tommy?” Buck pleaded. “I could have told you that they were crazy or seeing something that wasn’t there.”

“I guess I was just afraid that it would make you realize that you love him quicker and I wanted as much time with you as humanly possible.”

Buck wiggled around until he was facing Tommy head on. “I think we should see a couple’s therapist,” he blurted out. “I want to try again, despite everything that’s happened. But even if we decide not to get back together, I still think we should see a therapist so that we can learn to communicate better. We’ve both been ruled by our insecurities and past relationships for too long and our baby deserves better.”

“You’re right, they do deserve better from us, whether we’re together or not. And I do, by the way, want to try again. Not just because of the baby, but because I love you and I want to grow old with you.”

“Not long after Eddie joined us we got this call. A car had slid and pinned the owner, Mitchell, to the gate. His husband, Thomas, saw the whole thing. I sat with him while Hen and Chimney tried to save Mitchell. Thomas told me all about their relationship, from when they met in the seventies until they were finally able to get married. I told him I wanted to find a love like that and he told me you don’t find it, you make it,” Buck told his partner. Tommy reached for his hand about halfway through and intertwined their fingers. “I want to make that kind of love with you. They had this scrapbook of ‘adventures,’ a whole love lived together. I want that for us.”

“I want it, too,” Tommy promised. “You keep using past tense. I’m guessing Mitchell didn’t make it?”

“No. And when Thomas went over to say goodbye, he just… slipped away.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Those kinds of calls are always away.”

Tommy’s phone dinged, alerting them that their food was close by. “How about we take this to the kitchen? We can eat lunch and start looking for a couple’s counselor or a therapist,” he suggested.

“Divide and conquer?” Buck countered. “You put together some options for us and I’ll look for a carrier specialist? I want to see a doctor as soon as I can to make sure that our baby is okay.”

“Let’s do it,” Tommy agreed, ducking in to give Buck a quick kiss before rolling away and out of bed.

_______

Toward the end of their lunch, Buck pulled himself out of his research hole. Or rather, Tommy coaxed him out of it by gently calling his name. “Hmm?”

“Any luck finding a specialist?” The older man asked, staring at Buck with such a fucking fond look on his face. He was confused over the look on Tommy’s face and how it almost seemed like Tommy never wanted to stop looking at him. Buck knew he had to look like a complete mess. His curls hadn’t been combed, his face was puffy from crying and, presumably, pregnancy hormones, and noodles hanging from his mouth. But still, Buck thought Tommy was looking at him like he was the best thing that Tommy had ever seen.

Buck slurped up his noodles, causing Tommy to wrinkle his nose, but his smile never fell. “Did you know that carrier specialist is just the colloquial title for a doctor who treats male carriers?”

“No, I didn’t. What’s the official title?”

“A doctor who specializes in carrier anatomy is a portologist. A doctor who specializes in carrier pregnancy is a pherician. If they’re both, it’s abbreviated as PHPort, kinda like an obstetrician gynecologist is shortened to OBGyn. A PHPort is typically also an OBGyn since carriers aren’t common. The titles come from the Greek pherō, meaning to bear or carry, and the Latin port are, also meaning to carry,” Buck rambled. “Since LA and the surrounding area is so densely populated, there are multiple PHPorts with practices in the area, but some places are lucky to just have one.”

“Huh. I never thought about how many doctors actually train to treat carriers or what they’re called. Did you find one in your research that you want to call once.”

“I like Dr. Michaela Emerson. She’s a PHPort and an OBGyn, but her primary focus is actually as a PHPort. She’s the top rated and all of her patient reviews are positive and unique, not like they were made by an AI or spam. I’m gonna call her after lunch.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Tommy agreed. “Did you learn anything else from your research?”

Buck used his chopsticks to swirl the last of his noodles around before gathering them up and shoving them in his mouth. He chewed aggressively, trying to delay answering Tommy for as long as he could.

“Evan?” Tommy prompted once Buck was out of food and excuses to stall.

“Carriers have been called that for so long that it’s pretty much the official medical term for a man who can get pregnant. But we, I mean carriers, I guess I don’t, can’t produce sperm,” Buck finally told him, the words falling out of his mouth in a jumbled mess. “De-despite having male reproductive anatomy, there has n-never been a documented, proven case of a-a carrier siring or, or fathering a child they didn’t birth.”

“But you told me once that you were a sperm donor for an old friend,” Tommy recalled. Buck nodded in response. “And if you can’t produce sperm, then you aren’t their son’s biological father.”

“And I feel really guilty about how relieved I am that he’s not mine. It was a decision that I didn’t regret until he was born, but even then I was happy to have helped Connor and Kameron have a baby. I was upset that I wouldn’t be part of his life ‘cause I held him and delivered him, but I knew he was wanted and loved. So I regretted it, but I also didn’t if that makes sense?”

“It absolutely makes sense, Evan. The decision you made was complex and not easy. I’ve never made it myself, but I’m pretty sure being a sperm or egg donor or surrogate isn’t an easy choice to make and having complex, conflicting emotions is normal.”

“I really started to question my choice when I met you. It hit me that I never considered how a future partner would feel about me being a known donor. Being an anonymous donor is one thing, but knowing that there’s a child out there with half of my genes, or I guess that there c-could’ve been, that might come back into our lives one day, but wouldn’t be ours? That is a completely different thing.”

“I’m not gonna lie and say I hadn’t thought about it, but just like you, I made my peace with it.”

“I don’t know if I should tell them. We never had any kind of agreement about me not contacting them, but they ghosted me after he was born. I don’t even know his name,” Buck admitted.

“Evan, honey, you have to tell them. This is about their son’s health. One of the benefits of a known donor was that they could contact you about your medical history. But if you aren’t his biological father, then your history is useless.”

“There’s another thing that’s bothering me. They were supposed to take a small sample of my, er, donation, and make sure that it was viable, on top of genetic screenings on my blood. Either they did do that, and my sample and someone else’s were switched, or they didn’t do that and just, um, put it in Kameron. Either way, that leaves the question of who their son’s biological father is. Because they were pretty damn certain that Connor would never be able to have a child.”

“I know you aren’t going to like my suggestion, but I think we should sue the fertility clinic. Either there was a massive amount of negligence going on, or they tested your sample and didn’t inform you or Connor and Kameron, which is still negligence. Either way, maybe their genetic testing wouldn’t have shown that you’re a carrier, but they should have noticed that you don’t produce sperm and told you that.” Tommy frowned, giving Buck that look that said Tommy meant business. “Be honest with me. Have you been having pregnancy symptoms and simply been ignoring them?”

Buck blushed, turning away from Tommy’s gaze and standing to gather their dishes. “I wasn’t ignoring them,” he muttered from the sink, defending himself. “I didn’t know that pregnancy was a possibility. I just thought it was a combo of depression from our breakup, stress from everything happening with Maddie and the One-Eighteen, and adding so many sweets and pastries to my diet.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Tommy sighed, coming up behind Buck to wrap the younger man in his arms. “I just meant, if you had known you couldn’t produce sperm, you would have investigated it. You probably would have discovered that you’re a carrier. You would’ve taken precautions to prevent a pregnancy until we were ready, and even if it failed, you still would’ve recognized all of the symptoms. But you didn’t know so you wrote them off with logical answers.

“And I know you, Evan. You’re terrified that something is wrong with the baby that could’ve been prevented if you had known from the beginning that you were pregnant. That’s on the clinic. No matter what’s wrong, and I don’t think anything is wrong with our baby. If there was, Dr. Ruiz would’ve told us. But even if something is wrong, it’s not your fault. It’s the clinic’s. At the very least, they need to make up for all of the stress, worry, and the possibility of damage they’re caused.”

“You really think we have a case?” Buck whispered.

“I really do. It’s medical negligence, Evan. And if it’s happened to you, then it can happen to someone else later on if there aren’t repercussions.”

“Okay. I, I can start looking for a lawyer after I call Dr. Emerson’s office.”

“Let me look for a lawyer? I can come up with a couple of options and we can go over those tonight with the couple’s counselors I found after dinner,” Tommy suggested. “I can’t do much for you right now, but I can do this so you can rest or at least do something that won’t add to your grief.”

“Can you stay with me again tonight?”

“Absolutely, sweetheart. I just need to go back to my house so I can get some clothes for the next few days. Do you want to come with me?”

Buck hesitated, but he knew he had to be honest with Tommy if they were going to make it work this time. “I want to stay here. Just go back to bed, maybe research diaper brands or car seats. It’s kinda hitting me just how much we need to do before the baby gets here, and just how little time we have until then.”

“That’s fine, Evan,” Tommy swore. “Miriam dropped off my truck, so I don’t need to Uber to Harbor and get it. I’ll be so quick, you won’t have time to miss me.”

“I always miss you,” Buck pouted. He took a deep breath and continued. “I don’t want to tell my family or the One-Eighteen about the baby yet. I don’t know how they’re going to react and it doesn’t feel like the right time, just a few hours after Bobby died. But you should tell Jake and Miriam. They’re your family and you deserve someone you can talk to without having to censor yourself like you might with me.”

“Are you sure that you’re okay with that? Because I can keep it a secret if you want me to.”

“Tommy, I wish I had someone other than you that I could trust enough to not tell me I’m making Bobby’s death all about me or that I’m not mature enough or ready for a baby or that they’re happy for me, but Bobby just died, it’s not really the time to celebrate,” Buck ranted. “The problem is, I don’t trust any of the One-Eighteen to not react like that. Please talk to Jake and Miriam, or Sal, someone so you can tell them all of the things you don’t think you can tell me because I’m pregnant and I just lost my dad.”

“I’ll talk to them. But please, baby, I’m begging you to call me if you need me, or something feels off or you just want to hear my voice. I completely understand why you don’t want to tell your family yet, but don’t be stubborn with me. And remember that as soon as I tell Jake and Miriam that we’re having a baby, they’ll insist on you relying on them too.”

“I promise,” Buck agreed. “I’ll call you if I need you or if something feels wrong.”

Tommy sighed, noticing that Buck carefully chose his words, not acknowledging the parts about calling Tommy if he wanted him or that Jake and Miriam cared about Buck too. “I’ll take it for now. Make your phone calls and then get some rest,” he instructed. Tommy gave Buck one last kiss on the forehead, murmured an, “I love you,” and turned to walk out the door, taking comfort in the fact that he would be back soon.

_______

Tommy pulled into his driveway and immediately turned the truck off. He knew that he had to get out and pack a bag so that he could go back to Evan’s house, but he needed a moment. Tommy hadn’t been lying to Evan about being all in on trying as a couple again of raising a baby, their baby. Their baby that Evan is seven months pregnant with right now. But a lot had happened in a very short amount of time and he needed a fucking minute. Tommy rested his forehead on the steering wheel and just focused on breathing through the panic he was currently feeling. He shouldn’t have been so surprised that Miriam came over and knocked on his truck window. It startled Tommy anyway, pulling him further away from the panic attack that had been building.

Tommy patted his cheeks to check for tears, because that would definitely make his partner worry even more, and once he was convinced that his face was dry, he got out of the truck and led Miriam inside. Tommy needed to pack, he needed to look into lawyers for medical negligence, or maybe it would be medical malpractice? Either way, he would need to pack, start researching, and get back to his boyfriend before the younger man could start to worry that Tommy might not come back. But he had also promised Evan that he would talk to Miriam and now seemed like as good a time as any. And if Tommy was being honest with himself, he did feel like there were things he didn’t want to say to Evan right now because he didn’t want to add to Evan’s stress.

“Ready to talk about what happened last night?” Miriam asked him once they were in the kitchen. “Or do you wanna have a couple of beers first?”

“Am I in serious trouble with Cap?” Tommy asked, wanting to get that out of the way.

“Cap’s gonna call you tomorrow, but from what I could gather, yeah he’s pissed about the unauthorized helicopter usage again, but considering the situation, you’ll probably get a slap on the wrist. Maybe suspend you with pay. I heard the Army wants to take your wings, but they’d also rather this never make the news and since it probably would if they involved the FAA and the courts of public opinion wouldn’t go their way, they’re letting the department handle punishing you.” Miriam went over to the fridge and grabbed them both a beer. Tommy hesitated to accept his. “The suspension is because they want to discourage you from doing this a third time,’cause it’s gonna go on your record. The pay is a ‘fuck you’ to the Army.

“Now, why don’t you want this beer?” Miriam interrogated him.

“I can’t stay too long. I promised Evan that I would go back as soon as I got a bag packed for the next few days.”

“Buckley is a big boy, he can take care of himself or his family can be there for him,” Miriam argued.

“He’s pregnant. Evan’s pregnant and it’s mine.”

“Didn’t you tell me that he said he wasn’t a carrier?”

“Evan was told that he tested negative for the gene by his parents. Turns out they never even had him tested,” Tommy groaned. “So it was a bit of a shock when the Army doc told us that Evan’s pregnant. Guess they ran every test they could on us so they could have data if it turned out that we were infected. They did an ultrasound and even had someone familiar with pregnancy do it. He’s about seven months along.”

“Fuck. So definitely your’s. And you’re sure that Buck wasn’t lying about being negative and his parents not testing him?”

Tommy growled at the implication. Miriam might be his best friend, but Evn was the father of his child and the love of his life. Tommy would defend him, even against Miriam. “Short version, since it’s not really my story to tell, Evan’s a designer savior sibling.”

“Maddie?” Miriam interrupted.

“No. A brother, Daniel, who died when Evan was a year old. He needed a bone marrow transplant, so Evan was made to be a match. And he was, but Daniel was just too sick and the transplant simply didn’t take. Daniel died and Evan’s parents couldn’t deal. They never talked about him and anything that reminded them of Daniel was off limits. Including carrier testing. Daniel was tested after his diagnosis and he was negative, so since Evan was supposed to be a match for Daniel, they just assumed that Evan was also negative and put it on his medical records,” Tommy tried to sum up the story he’d gotten out of Evan.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. And to make it worse, Evan donated sperm so a former roommate and his wife could have a baby. But carriers don’t produce sperm and everyone thought the donation worked. Which means that the clinic fucked up and on top of mourning Bobby, who adopted Evan right before he died, and having a baby, and trying to rebuild our relationship, we have to deal with the medical neglect from the clinic because they missed that Evan doesn’t produce sperm and if he knew that, he might’ve found out that he’s a carrier and not just written off his pregnancy symptoms or blamed them on something else,” Tommy ranted, a habit he had unconsciously picked up from Evan. “We’re thinking about suing the clinic, but we need to find a lawyer.”

“Tommy, breather. Calm down and breathe before you pass out,” Miriam ordered him. “You’re not getting back to Buck anytime soon if that happens. Now, tell me what’s scaring you the most.”

“Being my father. I love Evan and I already love our baby, but you know what my dad was like and he was my main role model since my mom died when I was so little.”

“Okay, I’m not saying that you’re stupid for ever thinking that, but I am going to tell you that being scared about being like your father already makes you a better dad than him,” Miriam reassures him. “You mentioned one of the things stressing you out is rebuilding your relationship with Buck. Is that something you really want?”

Tommy got defensive again. “Yes!” He snapped. “We talked about it for hours today. We both messed up in the past and we both want to try again and not just because of the baby.”

“Okay. I believe you and you know Jake and I will always support you. What do you need? How can I help you?”

“I-” Tommy was interrupted by a text notification on the phone that he hadn’t even realized he was holding. The text was from Evan, giving him an update on the call to the doctor’s office. “Evan just texted. He managed to get an appointment with a pherician for this afternoon. I guess she was really concerned so she’s staying late to get him in. I need to go meet him, so can you pack me a bag for a few days and drop it off at Evan’s? He keeps a key in this little hippo statue next to the door.”

“That won’t be a problem. I’ll make something that you can heat up for dinner too so you guys don’t have to worry about that.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Now go!”

_______

Buck was relieved when he saw Tommy pull up barely thirty minutes after he had texted the older man.

“One ride for Evan Buckley,” he teased out of the driver’s side window.

“You’re such a dork,” Buck groaned, a smile smile on his face belying his amusement.

“Mmhm. But I’m your dork!”

“Yes, you are,” Buck groaned, climbing into the passenger seat and buckling up so that they could get going. Buck gave Tommy the address for the office so he could put it in his GPS and then they were on their way.

“Who did you end up speaking to when you called the office?” Tommy asked once they were on the interstate, something they unfortunately couldn’t avoid.

“I actually got Dr. Emerson herself. I told her that I hadn’t been tested as a child but that I found out last night that I’m a carrier and around seven months pregnant. She was concerned and told me I should come right in, that she would keep the office open for me. Said we should probably plan to be there for a couple of hours so she can do a glucose test.”

“Miriam is going to pack a bag for me and drop it off with some food we can just pop in the oven to reheat.”

“That’s nice of her,” Buck whispered. He started looking through the paperwork in his lap, double checking that he had all of the things he needed.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Tommy lightly prodded him.

“How mad at me is she?”

Tommy blew out a breath. “I promised you that I wouldn’t lie to you, but I also don’t want to hurt you. Miriam did ask if you’d lied to me about your carrier status, but I told her a very abridged version of the truth about your parents and Daniel. She understands that this wasn’t something that either of us could predict. Whatever either of us need, she and Jake are there for us.

“But even if she was mad, or angry, that’s on Miriam, not you. And her opinion about our relationship isn’t important to me. You and our baby are my top priority.”

“Okay. I was thinking about something after you left,” Buck hurried to change the subject, just so he had something to distract himself.

“Oh?”

“I know I kinda jumped ahead when I asked you to move in together last year, but would you be willing to temporarily move in together for a month or two after the baby’s born? I don’t think either of us will want to be away from the baby and…”

“And what?” Tommy asked when Buck didn’t pick his thought back up.

“I think I’m going to need some help,” the younger man admitted. “I don’t want to seem selfish, but I honestly don’t know what recovery will be like after I give birth, but I don’t want to be on my own.”

“It’s not selfish to want or need help, Evan. Especially when you’re recovering from bringing our child into the world. I will absolutely be there for you, just as much as I’m there for the baby.

“We might fight,” Tommy warned. “It probably won’t be smooth sailing just because it’s what we both want.”

“I know. But I’m willing to fight for us and put the effort in if you are.”

“I’m willing to fight for us if you are, baby,” Tommy said as he grabbed Buck’s hand and kissed the back of it before lacing their fingers together.

Chapter Four

Almost as soon as they arrived at Dr. Emerson’s office, they were being ushered back so that Buck could go through the standard vitals checks and measurements.

“Your blood pressure is a little high,” the nurse muttered. “Are you stressed?”

“I just found out I’m seven months pregnant without knowing that I’m even a carrier. I think I’m allowed to be a little stressed,” Buck nearly snapped at her. He would have if it wasn’t for Tommy’s hand on his shoulder. The nurse seemed to take it in stride though and ignored Buck’s bad mood.

“We need a urine sample and then you need to drink this,” she said instead, handing him a specimen cup and a bright orange bottle. “After you drink that, we’ll be drawing your blood and then we’ll do a second blood draw in an hour so that we can test you for gestational diabetes.”

“Is that a major concern?” Tommy nervously asked.

“No more than it is for any other patient Mr. Buckley’s age and gestation,” she reassured him, “If you want to come with me, I’ll show you where the bathroom is and then I can take you to your room when you’re done.”

Buck handed the drink to Tommy and followed the nurse to the bathroom, following the instructions and then quickly washing up so he could get back to Tommy as quickly as possible.

“Here you go,” the older man said as soon as they saw each other, handing Buck’s drink over to him. As soon as he had it in his hand, Buck cracked the top and started drinking it.

“That is disgusting,” he grimaced. “It’s so sweet.”

“Unfortunately it has to be. We normally have other flavors, but all that’s left is orange and cola until we get a new delivery tomorrow. Trust me, the cola one is even worse.”

“Well, thanks for giving me this one. I think the cola one would probably make me nauseous,” Buck muttered, sipping his drink as he and Tommy followed the nurse to an exam room.

“Dr. Emerson will need to do a pelvic exam, but you can keep your underwear on until then,” the nurse instructed as she opened the exam room door. “Otherwise, all we need you to do is just put on this gown and Dr. Emerson will be in to see you shortly.”

With that the two men were left alone.

“I hate wearing these stupid gowns,” Buck huffed, gripping the offending piece of fabric tightly.

“I know, honey,” Tommy soothed, running his hands up and down Buck’s biceps in an attempt to calm him. “How about I try to find a blanket for you while you change?”

“Okay,” Buck reluctantly agreed. He quickly stripped and put the gown on, wanting to get it over with and minimize the chance of Tommy seeing him naked again. Buck had never felt so self conscious in front of a partner as he had in the last twenty-four hours. By the time Tommy turned around triumphant in his quest to find a blanket in one of the many cabinets, Buck had the gown on and was sitting on the exam table.

“Here you go,” Tommy said as he gently unfolded the blanket and laid it across Buck’s lap. “And here’s your drink, I don’t want the nurse to get snippy about you not finishing it.”

“Thanks, Tommy. You take such good care of me.”

“I enjoy taking care of you, Evan.”

“Knock, knock!” Someone called from the doorway, followed by actual knocking. “It’s your friendly office vampire here to draw some blood!”

“I guess I’m the victim then,” Buck chuckled.

“Unfortunately for you, yes. I’m Mari, I’m the onsite phlebotomist. I’m going to draw your blood now so that we can run a whole mess of tests and then I’ll be back in about an hour to take some more blood so we can check your blood sugar.”

“Oh joy,” Buck muttered, even though he already knew that was coming. “And I’m sorry you had to stay late for this.”

“Don’t be. Not finishing a shift on time is just part of working in the medical field. Plus, we all know the you’re a cryptic pregnancy. Making sure that you and your baby are okay is a priority for us.”

“I’m sorry, but what’s a cryptic pregnancy?” Tommy asked from where he was hovering by Buck’s side.

“A cryptic pregnancy is any pregnancy that isn’t discovered during the first trimester, when they typically are. Most cases are discovered around the second trimester, with a few during the third, like yours. A few very rare cases aren’t discovered until the birthing parent goes into labor,” Mari explained as she prepped Buck’s arm for the blood draw.

“Two months to prepare for a baby is still better than no time to prepare,” Buck tried to joke.

“Two months at the minimum. A full term pregnancy, even in carriers, is thirty-eight to forty weeks. So you may not deliver for another three months.”

“That’s plenty of time, we’ve got this,” Tommy assured Buck.

“We’ve got this,” he agreed.

“Okay, guys. I’ll be back in an hour so we can do a finger stick and Dr. Emerson will be in any moment,” Mari said as she packed everything up. Almost as if being summoned, Mari was leaving and Dr. Emerson took her place in the room.

“Hi, gentlemen. I’m Dr. Michaela Emerson. You must be my patient, Evan, right?” She asked, addressing Buck.

“Yes, but please, call me Buck.”

“Ok course, Buck. And is this your partner?”

“Tommy Kinard, the other father,” the man introduced himself.

“Wonderful! Now, Buck, when we spoke on the phone earlier, you mentioned that the doctor who diagnosed you gave you some paperwork?” Dr. Emerson confirmed as she pulled up a stool in front of the exam table.

“Yes. We, uh, had a call involving the Army and they ran a bunch of tests. I didn’t even know I was a carrier until then.”

“You also mentioned that your parents thought you were negative due to your family history and never had you officially tested?”

“Correct.”

“Ok. Did the Army do an ultrasound when they ran all of those tests?”

“They did. The doctor who examined me estimated that I’m around twenty-eight to twenty-nine weeks along,” Buck explained as Tommy passed over the paperwork that they had brought along.

“Excellent!” Dr. Emerson cheered. “I’m going to do a full physical exam, including an ultrasound. After that, I’m going to give you a crash course in carrier biology and what to expect for the remainder of your pregnancy. I know it’s a scary time right now, but you’re in good hands and my team and I are going to do our absolute best to guide you both through this. Before we start the physical exam, do either of you have any questions for me?”

“You’re a PHPort, right? Are you able to take me on as a patient as a portologist after I give birth, or will I need to find a different doctor?” Buck asked.

“If you’re comfortable with me as your doctor, then I’ll keep you on as a patient. But portology is a very intimate field, so it’s important that you’re comfortable with me as your doctor.”

“Okay. Then let’s do this.”

Buck slid back on the bed as Dr. Emerson got to work, carefully explaining everything she was doing and why before she did it.

“Your blood pressure is a little higher than I’m comfortable with,” Dr. Emerson explained after completing her physical exam. Buck hated the pelvic exam, but a little voice in the back of his head whispered that he should get used to it, especially if he wanted more children with Tommy. That was a thought Buck definitely wasn’t ready for, so he ignored it. “Have you been having any headaches or experienced any swelling?”

“Some minor headaches the last couple of weeks and my ankles and my bad leg have been a little swollen off and on. But I spend a lot of time on my feet so after my PCP ruled out blood clots I’ve just been dealing with it,” he explained.

“Do you have a history of blood clots?”

“Yes. I developed several clots in my left leg following a crush injury on the job. One ended up traveling to my lungs and causing a pulmonary embolism. That was almost six years ago and they attributed it as an allergic reaction to the screws they used to repair my leg,” Buck explained.

“Okay, thank you for telling me, it’s important for me to have as much medical history for you as possible.

“You are at a slightly higher risk for blood clots right now, so we’re going to be keeping a close eye on that. But my main concern is pre-eclampsia. So far, you only have a few symptoms that are also just normal pregnancy symptoms, but we’re going to need to keep a close eye on everything. I don’t think I can stress enough that you need to try and relax as much as possible to keep your stress levels down,” Dr. Emerson stated after making a couple of notes in his chart.

“My father, who just adopted me, died last night on the call involving the Army. We don’t know when they’ll release the body or when we’ll be able to hold a funeral. On top of that, my brother-in-law also almost died so my pregnant sister had to deal with that and their preschooler,” Buck ranted.

“I’m very sorry about the loss of your father. And I can understand wanting to support your sister, but you really need to focus on yourself. If it helps, since you strike me as the kind of person who always wants to help others, I want you to try to think of it not as prioritizing yourself over your sister and her family, but as prioritizing your baby over your sister and her family. I don’t want to put you on bedrest, but I will if I think it’s the only way to avoid you going into early labor or pre-eclampsia.”

Buck was so grateful that Tommy could read him so well. The older man almost immediately realized that Buck was on the verge of panicking and wrapped him up in a tight hug, guiding the younger man’s face into his neck.

“Shh. Just breath, Evan. I know what Dr. Emerson said was scary, but she’s not saying that the baby is in danger right now, just that there’s a slightly bigger risk of those things happening if we don’t take precautions. And even if it does happen, you go into early labor or develop pre-eclampsia, it won’t be your fault. Sometimes it just ends up being out of your control,” Tommy whispered, combing a hand through Buck’s hair. Trying to comfort him.

“Tommy is right, Buck,” Dr. Emerson broke in. “So far, I don’t see any reason for you to worry about your pregnancy or baby. We want to acknowledge the risks and try to mitigate them, but you can do everything right, and you still might go into labor or develop complications. But for now, I just want you to rest and try not to worry too much.

“Now, how about we take a look at your baby and then we can talk about what you can expect for the next few months.”

The men agree, and once Buck has managed to calm down, he wiggles into position and Tommy takes his hand. They eagerly face the monitor attached to the ultrasound machine.

“Baby is measuring around the end of week twenty-eight, beginning of week twenty-nine. Baby appears to be right on track with their development,” Dr. Emerson told them as she narrated what she was checking and pointing out details about their baby. “There are still some things we can’t check until the baby is born, but for now, I want to reiterate that everything is looking good and you shouldn’t worry.”

“Can you tell us if the baby is a boy or a girl?” Buck asked, his grip on Tommy’s hand tightening in his.

“Unfortunately, your little one is being stubborn and they have their legs firmly crossed,” Dr. Emerson apologized. “You’ll probably have to wait until birth to find that one out.”

“It can be a good surprise,” Buck decided, trying to be positive and not stress about the situation.

“That’s the spirit!” Dr. Emerson cheered, handing Buck some paper towels so he could clean his stomach up. “I’ll step out so that you can get dressed and then when I come back in we can chat about what you should expect over the next couple of months.”

“Alright, thank you, Dr. Emerson,” Tommy said. As soon as the doctor had closed the door behind her, Tommy gathered up Buck’s clothes and started helping the younger man get dressed. “What’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours, Evan?”

“I’m trying to listen to what Dr. Emerson said about the baby being okay and to try to not worry so that my stress levels stay down, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop spiraling about all of the things that could possibly go wrong with me or the baby. And that was before she said I had a heightened risk of blood clots and pre-eclampsia and preterm labor,” he admitted, beginning to hyperventilate.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Try to calm down and take some deep breaths with me,” Tommy coached. He places Buck’s hand on his chest and starts taking deep controlled breaths and coaxing Buck to 0match him.

“I know you, sweetheart. I can’t stop you from worrying. but try to focus on what Dr. Emerson is saying about now, in this moment, instead of what could happen in the future. Our baby is okay, they’re right on track. If you’re worried about the pre-eclampsia, we can ask Dr. Emerson what to look out for and when we should come in. If the chance of early labor is your biggest concern right now, then we listen to her and you relax as much as possible. We can also ask her if there’s anything you need to do to prevent blood clots that’s specific to pregnancy. But the most important thing I want you to remember, Evan, is that I will be there every step of the way and we’re in this together.”

Buck exhaled one final deep breath and leaned his forehead against Tommy’s. “Together.”

“Together.”

_______

“Okay, boys. I know that was a lot. I thought that you might be more comfortable here,” Dr. Emerson told them once they were all settled in her office.

“It definitely feels less intimidating than the exam room,” Buck acknowledged.

“Before I dive into my lesson on carriers, do you have any questions or concerns?”

“You were concerned about me developing pre-eclampsia earlier,” he began, deciding to list his concerns in the order he and Tommy had gone over them. “Are there any specific symptoms I should be on the lookout for? Is there a point where I should come into your office or go to the ED?”

“Excellent questions. The biggest indicators for pre-eclampsia are high blood pressure and proteins in your urine. I’ll want to see you weekly, at a minimum, until you give birth and I’ll be checking both of those things everytime. As for what you should be looking out for at home, you can keep an eye on your blood pressure easily enough at home. Do you both know how to take and read blood pressure?”

“Yes. We’re both firefighters with basic EMT training. We just don’t have paramedic training,” Tommy explained.

“If your blood pressure gets too high and stays high, if you start getting sudden headaches that aren’t normal to you, swelling in your extremities that won’t go away, or sudden confusion and neurological changes, then you should call my office and then go straight to the emergency department,” Dr. Emerson instructs them. “It may mean nothing, but those symptoms can also be caused by pre-eclampsia and it requires immediate measures in order to save parent and baby, so it’s better safe than sorry.”

“Should i be taking my blood pressure regularly?”

“For now, you can take in the morning and at night. If you’re worried, you can give me a call at any time, but for now, just take your blood pressure twice a day, keep a record, and we’ll go over it next week.”

“What about blood clots?” Tommy asked.

“Just normal measures that I’m sure Buck’s already used to taking.” Dr. Emerson just gives them a little shrug as she talks. It would have been barely noticeable if it wasn’t for the fact that the two men were trained to specifically notice little details like that. “Yes, pregnancy can increase your chances of developing blood clots, especially since you already have a history of clots. But I don’t feel the risk is great enough that you’ll need any kind of blood thinners. Just wear compression socks or sleeves on your legs, but try to go for a walk or two everyday. A sudden lack of activity can be just as dangerous as too much activity for someone with as active a lifestyle as you,” she directed toward Buck. “But I’m not overly worried about that right now, so I want you to try not to worry too much either.

“Do either of you have any other questions for me right now?”

“For now, we’re good, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have more questions later,” Buck said.

“Ok, then let me ask you a question. How much do you already know about carrier anatomy?”

Buck blushed for a second, one of the rare times when he was embarrassed to talk about his body and his sex life. Maybe it was because his relationship with Tommy was more private than any of his previous relationships and it meant more to him than any other relationship in his life so he wanted to protect it more. But this was his doctor and he needed to get over his embarrassment and just speak openly and honestly. “I know that I don’t produce sperm, even though I have male anatomy. I know that carriers conceive through anal sex and that there’s a genetic component because it’s typically diagnosed through blood tests.”

“That’s honestly more than I expected from someone who only found out about their carrier status less than twenty-four hours ago and really had no reason to look up anything about carriers before that,” Dr. Emerson lightly exclaimed as she shuffled through different packets and pamphlets. “We’re going to start with anatomy, then the genetics behind carriers, and then pregnancy and what you can expect for postpartum recovery. Please feel free to interrupt me if you have any questions, or thoughts, or you just need a break. Both of you.”

Buck and Tommy both made noises of ascent and settled in to listen to the doctor.

“So you’re right about having traditionally male anatomy. Externally you have male anatomy, a penis and a scrotum. Your scrotum does contain all of the same parts as a non-carrier male, and it functions the exact same with the exception of sperm production. Where most men produce sperm within the testes, your body doesn’t. The current belief is that the body simply can’t support sperm production and egg maturation, ovulation, and building the uterine lining every month. Because, internally, you also have somewhat traditional female anatomy. That means you have a uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and, unlike most women, two cervixes. One, the primary cervix, also sometimes called the posterior cervix, is connected to the rectum that is only relaxed when you’re sexually aroused or when your monthly cycle starts over. Near this cervix is an internal sphincter that blocks the intestines that becomes tense when sexually aroused. Think of it the same way the bladder becomes blocked off from the urethra when sexually aroused to make way for the semen to use that path instead.”

“So I have internal female anatomy and a cycle. Does that mean I also have a period and just never noticed?” Buck asked, confused by the notion that he could miss something so obvious.

“Yes, but it isn’t necessarily like someone assigned female at birth,” the doctor explained. “You have a uterus that develops a lining meant to support implantation and pregnancy. But where a cis-woman or trans-man’s uterus would expel that lining, which is primarily composed of blood, a carrier’s body reabsorbs that lining. The blood and liquid gets reabsorbed and the semi-solid parts are expelled the same way other solid waste is. You may notice that your bowel movements are more common or looser once a month, and that’s really the only sign that you could expect to notice. You may have also noticed cramps, headaches, minor mood swings, and maybe some small food cravings, but nothing that you wouldn’t have been able to explain away in other ways.”

“Why are my periods so different from women and trans-men?” Buck asked. “I figured the two sets of reproductive organs were just a quirk of genetics, even if the placement seems strange.”

Dr. Emerson hummed and rifled through the stack of papers she’d organized at the beginning of their conversation. When she didn’t find what she was looking for she started going through some files behind her desk, cheering when she eventually found what she was looking for. Dr. Emerson handed the paper over to Buck and started to sum it up. “That’s an abbreviated version of a study published in the early two-thousands by a notable anthropology journal. In short, the study and research led by a team of anthropologists concluded that male carriers evolved out of necessity. In a more secluded part of the world, sometime before any surviving written records, the population ratio of men to women vastly favored men. Some theorize that young girls were killed as infants or small children, others that it was just a quirk of circumstances. But either way, in order to prevent the human race from dying out in that part of the world, young male babies started to be born with female reproductive organs or young female babies were born with male anatomy.

“This is where the theory about female infanticide comes from. Because the human body is truly amazing and capable of amazing things, even mutating and evolving to create male carriers in order to protect the human race, hiding the ability to bear children by appearing only male until the later stages of pregnancy.”

“That makes sense, but I can’t imagine that it was a quick process,” Tommy commented.

“No, it wasn’t. It’s believed that it took nearly five-hundred years, which is still quicker than evolution typically takes. Genetic tracking suggests that the process took place somewhere in Eurasia and that all modern carriers trace back to this population.

“Any other questions that are popping up before we move on to genetics?”

“Do you have the full studies? I’d like to read them,” Buck said.

Tommy nodded his head and backed up Buck’s request. “Evan loves to research. It helps him feel more comfortable in different situations.”

“I’ll make sure to include it with the paperwork and resources I’m going to give you before you leave,” Dr. Emerson promised.

Before they could continue, Mari interrupted them and drew Buck’s blood for the second time before disappearing again.

“So let’s move on to genetics and chromosomes. You do have an X and Y chromosome pairing. But on your chromosomes are minor differences that, when combined, lead to male carriers. It’s essentially a recessive trait, just like blue eyes. An X or Y chromosome without those tiny variations will result in a traditional male presentation.

“Just like with any other person creating sperm or eggs, your genes get split in two and your eggs will have either a modified X or Y chromosome. Your Y chromosome can’t combine with another Y chromosome, so that does, some believe, affect your chances at conceiving. What’s left is a combo of XY or XX. Because your eggs have both genes and the same can be said of sperm, you have three possible combinations for how these genes can combine. Either XX, XY, or YY. If you laid it all out on a punnett square, then XY actually shows up twice. Having already established that YY isn’t a possible combination, then you’re left with the traditional XX and XY, with XY being twice as likely as XX. Of course, there are a variety of possible mutations that include having three or more chromosomes such as XXY or XYY, but those are rare situations.”

“So generally speaking, the chances of the baby being a boy are basically two to one?” Buck chuckled.

“Essentially, and again, without taking into account some truly rare circumstances where the chromosomes are mutated. But I wouldn’t put all of your eggs in one basket and plan for a boy quite yet. You might end up being surprised,” Dr. Emerson told him with a chuckle of her own.

“So we have two parts of this crash course left, pregnancy and postpartum. What I’m going to suggest is that we go over postpartum on another day since it’s getting so late and I don’t want to keep you two here for too long.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Tommy agreed after sharing a look with Buck.

“Ok, so barebones, since there will be more details in the resources I give you. Natural conception occurs just like with cis-women and trans-men, only with anal penetration instead of vaginal. As soon as the fertilized eggs implants, the hormone levels in your body change. Testosterone drops dramatically and estrogen, progesterone, and other hormones rise. Your anal cervix seals shut and stays that way unless there’s an early term miscarriage. If you had a second trimester miscarriage or a stillbirth, then we would need to surgically remove the fetus because sometimes the body can’t expel it on its own and that can lead to a potentially deadly infection. That outcome is extremely rare though, and not one that I foresee you needing to worry about with this pregnancy.

“Once someone reaches where you currently are in your pregnancy, your body starts preparing for the birth. Your testicles and scrotum will temporarily shrink, along with your penis. Since this is your first pregnancy, you’ll develop a birth canal that will grow bigger the closer you get to birth. This is connected to the secondary, or anterior, cervix. During labor, your cervix will soften and dilate like any other, and your perineum will have thinned. Either it will rip naturally as part of birth, or a doctor or midwife will cut it so that it’s a neater split and easier to heal after birth.

“Now, if you go into preterm labor, or your term labor stalls, we will have no choice but to perform surgery because it could be deadly to you and your baby, laboring with no end in sight. But I don’t want that thought to scare you. C-sections today are routine and have no more risks than any other surgery.”

“Being a carrier is a gift, but not one without potential risks,” Buck thought aloud. “Deadly ones.”

“That’s correct, but I’m here to get you and your baby through this safe and healthy.”

Chapter Five

They left Dr. Emerson’s office with a stack of resources on carriers and pregnancy, the knowledge that Buck did not have gestational diabetes, and a series of ultrasound printouts of their baby. In some ways, it eased Buck’s fears about having hurt the baby with his ignorance. In other ways, it severely increased his concerns as he learned of all of the potential risks he was facing with this pregnancy. The only constants were that he wasn’t concerned for himself, only the baby, and the, like magic, Tommy somehow always knew when Buck’s anxiety was starting to rise. The older man would squeeze the hand he was holding while driving them back to Buck’s house, bring it up to his lips for a gentle kiss, and say something to reassure Buck or distract him from his thoughts.

One thought began to dominate Buck’s mind as they pulled into his driveway, but he waited until they were eating the buffalo chicken casserole that Miriam had made them to bring it up.

“Earlier we agreed to live together for a little while when the baby is born. But we, uh, we never talked about where that would be or wh-when we would start the move or for how long we would actually live together,” he pointed out, swirling his fork through the food on his plate and avoiding Tommy’s eyes.

“You’re right. We never specified any of that,” Tommy agreed. “As for when we should move in together, or how fast we should make the process, I think we have some time to stretch it out. We can start the move now, slowly moving one of us from one house to the other, but don’t know when you’ll go into labor, so that might be cutting it a little close. Our other option is to move in all at once sometime in the next few weeks.”

“It makes me feel kind of selfish but I would really prefer the second option,” Buck muttered.

“Evan.” Something about Tommy’s tone compelled Buck to finally look up and meet his eyes. Blue met blue and Tommy held their gaze for a few seconds that felt like an eternity to Buck before speaking. “It isn’t selfish to tell me which option you would prefer. If the thing making you feel selfish is which option you prefer, could you maybe tell me why you think it’s selfish?”

Buck paused, taking a moment to figure out how to word what he was thinking. The biggest problem in their relationship was definitely their communication. Tommy tended to assume what Buck meant instead of asking, typically assuming the worst, and avoided potential conflict the same way that Eddie avoided the Easter Bunny as a kid. Buck wasn’t without fault in their communication issues either. He tended to just blurt out what was on his mind. And since his brain often moved quicker than his mouth, Buck mixed things up or skipped parts of what he wanted to say. Or he didn’t think about if he should say something and something mean and hurtful came out of his mouth. Buck needed to be more purposeful when he spoke.

“When we broke up, part of what scared you was me asking you to move in together, I’m just not sure why. Then when we were talking that morning, you said that you still weren’t ready to move in together. I’m worried that adding more time to us temporarily living together by asking to move in ASAP will make you uncomfortable. And asking it, even knowing that it might make you uncomfortable, is what’s making me feel selfish,” he admitted.

Buck appreciated that Tommy didn’t simply react to what he said and instead took a minute to think about it and then respond. “I don’t think that makes you selfish. I think it makes you human. You’re one of the most selfless people I know, Evan, but it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes and ask for or tell me what you want, especially if I’m asking you to.”

“As for making me uncomfortable by essentially extending the time that we live together by moving ASAP, well, it’s going to make me sound terrible, but if you weren’t pregnant and Bobby hadn’t died, I’d probably be having a major panic attack at the idea of us living together, even temporarily. But you are pregnant. And Bobby’s death, watching you break down in the tunnel? It all shook something loose in me. When you asked me to move in together right before I broke up with you, I panicked. It wasn’t the only part of that conversation that scared me, and my insecurities got the better of me. But you were right back then. Why be apart when we can be together? I want to be there for you every minute of the rest of your pregnancy, and I don’t want to miss a single second that I don’t have to with our baby. That includes seeing them with you.”

“What are you saying, Tommy?” Buck asked. He had hopes about where this conversation was going, but he needed confirmation before he fully believed in them.

“I’m saying, let’s move in together permanently. If things between us don’t work out, then we can figure something out. But I want our family together now, not for a couple of months, then we pass the baby back and forth until we’re ready to live together again, Evan. We can do the actual moving part slowly, but I would really like to live together now, sweetheart. Even if I sleep on the couch and you take the bed if you need some space.”

Buck laughed, a smile on his face but tears running down his cheeks. He was completely overwhelmed by all of the emotions making themselves at home in his head. Buck was so happy that Tommy wanted him and the baby, relieved that they wanted the same thing, but Buck was also worried about the logistics and stil so fucking sad about Bobby dying.

“I want that, too. Us living together and not passing the baby back and forth. But where would we live?” He asked his partner. Living together and having a baby seemed way too serious for the term boyfriend. “You own your house, but I can’t just get out of my lease. Eddie was already pissed at me for scaring off his other potential renters. If I drop the lease now, he might come out here just to punch me in the face.

Judging by the horrified look on Tommy’s face, Buck’s attempts at a joke fell flat. “Evan, sweetheart. I know you and Diaz aren’t getting along very well right now, but you were, at one point if not still, each other’s best friends. Do you really think that Diaz would hit you?”

“He’s wanted to in the past,” Buck admitted. “Back when I was suing the department and Bobby for my job back, Eddie was pissed. There was a lot going on with Chris that he was keeping close to his chest after the tsunami, plus losing his wife a few months earlier, me starting the lawsuit and cutting contact really fueled his fire. When it was all over, Eddie never acknowledged my point of view of that situation or apologized for his behavior. Just said he ‘forgave’ me and that the only reason he didn’t punch me when we ran into each other at a grocery store was because I was on blood thinners at the time.”

“I want to hear more about that time in your life,” Tommy began, “but not right now. Do you think we can talk about the lawsuit with our therapist, when we have one? I think it might be an important event for me to understand.

“For now, I want to focus on why you think that Diaz would get violent with you, beyond that one comment. People say a lot of things when they’re upset, it doesn’t mean that they’ll actually follow through with it.”

“So I may have engineered that grocery store run in. I knew that it was the one that Pops preferred when we needed to make a grocery run on shift.

“We’d just had a discovery and mediation session for my lawsuit the day before. My lawyer wasn’t kind when he pointed out all of the times that everyone else got to come back to work from some kind of injury or emotional trauma without being questioned on their readiness or made to jump through hoops. I wanted to apologize that they weren’t warned that those events would be brought up. I mean, it was all public record so it’s not like I spilled anyone’s deep dark secrets, but the way it was handled was shitty and they should’ve been allowed to mentally prepare themselves for those questions.”

“Mmm. I kinda figured it wasn’t pure chance that guys ran into each other. I’m guessing the team wasn’t really in the mood to hear you out?”

“I’d say we argued, but it was mostly just Eddie unloading on me. Kinda implied that I abandoned Chris like a deadbeat dad even though I didn’t have that kind of relationship with Chris yet and Eddie was the one who stopped talking to me even before the lawsuit. The biggest shocker was Eddie saying that he couldn’t even call me to bail him out of jail after he punched a guy in a parking lot because of the no contact order. When he realized what he said in front of the entire team, he backtracked and tried to play it off like a hypothetical.”

Tommy groaned and roughly ran his hands over his face and through his hair. “Please tell me that Bobby suspended him and put his ass in therapy,” the older man begged.

Buck winced and shook his head. “A couple of weeks after I came back, we found out that the floater who was covering for me after the tsunami introduced Eddie to a fight club during the lawsuit, after she bailed him out of jail. Someone from that club saw Eddie and recruited him to a bigger, paid fight club. Eddie almost killed someone and called nine-one-one even though the organizers tried to stop him. The captain of the responding house saw him and told Bobby. I know Bobby made him see a department therapist, but I don’t think there was a minimum number of sessions, I think he only went once or twice, and he wasn’t suspended.”

“What. The. Fuck.” Buck shrank back a little in his seat, unused to seeing his partner so angry. Tommy noticed and took some deep breaths to center himself. “I’m not mad at you,” he clarified once he calmed down. “I’m pretty furious about the situation though. That decision proved your entire lawsuit, Perfect case of someone who shouldn’t have been in the field and Bobby essentially did nothing while trying to keep you out when you were cleared.”

“At his heart, Pops was a good man, but he had his flaws,” Buck acknowledged.

“Ok, back on the topic of housing,” Tommy redirected. They’d been broken up for just a little bit longer that’s they’d just been together, but Buck could tell when the older man wanted to change the subject. He assumed it was because the lawsuit and Eddie’s behavior during it were making him angry, an emotion that Tommy didn’t like to linger on. Buck could accept the topic change for now. He didn’t want to talk about that time any more than Tommy did. “Like you said, I own my house. It’s got two rooms, my garage with my car lift and Muay Thai setup. It’s a little farther out from the One-Eighteen, closer to Harbor. As for your lease, we can always put out some feelers to see who in the department might want to take it over. The biggest problem with that is that if Diaz decides to come back, he’d have to give proper notice to the new tenant that he’s ending the lease. Something that Diaz might not like since he’s probably counting on you just letting him move back in, based on everything I’ve learned about him in the last couple of days.”

“I honestly wouldn’t doubt it if that was Eddie’s plan,” Buck sighed, gathering their dirty dishes and bringing them over to the sink. Tommy followed him, nudging Buck out of the way with his hip and handing a clean dish towel. Apparently Buck was on drying duty. “Financially it makes more sense for us to live in your house, plus Miriam and Jake are right next door if we need them. I guess my biggest worry is that if we separate, I’m going to be the one who needs to leave.”

“Or we both leave,” Tommy stated. “We sell the house, split the profile, and get our own places.”

“It’s your house though.”

“It was. For a long time it was my house and I put a lot of work into it to fix it up. But it’s just a house. What will make it a home will be you and our baby. If we do end up splitting up, then we can figure out what to do then, whether one of us moves out or we both do. But for now, let’s focus on the good and leave the what ifs for the future.”

“But-”

“Sweetheart,” Tommy interrupted him, turning away from the sink and drying his hands before placing them on Bucks cheeks, making him look at the older man. “I need you to be honest with me. Would talking it out and planning for the worst case scenario or us separating, either now or with our therapist, actually help reduce your worry and stress, or will it make you spiral and convince you that it’s inevitable?”

That question stopped Buck in his tracks. Would deciding what they would do if they broke up again make him feel better, or would it cause him to panic and think that their relationship was doomed? He gave the question the careful consideration it was due before answering. “I think that it’ll just make me more worried to have a plan in place. I might treat it as inevitable or like a self fulfilling prophecy.”

“Ok, so we table that discussion until or unless we need to have it. For now, we just make a decision for where we’re going to bring our baby home in a few months.”

“Your house,” Buck automatically answered. ”Because you aren’t wrong about Eddie possibly coming back and if he does he probably won’t hesitate to kick us out, baby or no baby. Because if he does come back, he’ll only do it with Christopher and Chris will always come first to Eddie. He won’t care about the logistics of moving with a baby or while I’m heavily pregnant. Eddie’d just argue that this is Chris’s home and how could we even think about making it harder for him to come home?

“Then there’s the matter of location. Yeah, your house is farther from the One-Eighteen than this place, but uh, what if I don’t go back to the One-Eighteen?” Buck hesitated to bring the topic of a transfer up. Whenever he’d brought the topic up in the past, no matter his reasons or who he was talking to, he’d been firmly shut down. Except for the last time. Literally days before while Buck and Bobby had been filling out the adoption paperwork, they’d discussed what it would mean for work. It was one thing for Buck to work with his brother-in-law, it was another to work under his father in the eyes of the LAFD. From there, the topic of where Buck wanted his career to go had come up.

“I want to be a captain one day,” Buck softly admitted, twirling the pen he’s used to sign the adult adoption paperwork over his fingers. “N-not just because I want to be like you, Pops, but because I genuinely want to be a captain, a leader. And I know I’m not getting any younger. I’ve already put my body through a lot and it’s starting to show. I can’t be a heavy rescue asset forever and I’m ready to take a step back.”

Bobby was silent for a few minutes, simply tapping his own pen on the stack of form in front of him. Signed and notarized by a friend of Athena’s who owed her a favor. When Bobby did answer, it wasn’t what Buck had been expecting. “You have grown and changed so much from the hothead twenty-six-year-old I originally met, so desperate for love and at the same time, completely terrified of it,” he reminisced. “I think you’re ready to start the process of becoming a captain, but you can’t do it at the One-Eighteen. Even if I wasn’t already training Hen for the role, there is the matter of our relationship…”

“It would look like favoritism if my father started training me as a captain,” Buck agreed, so pleased to get to say that now and have it be the truth, even as he worried about what it could mean for his future and his career.

“Exactly. But I think you’re ready and I don’t want to delay your training any longer than necessary. Let me ask around, see who might be willing to accept you as a transfer and be willing to start preparing you for promotion.”

“Thanks, Pops. Love you.”

“I love you too, Buck. And I am so damn proud of you.”

“Thank you for believing in me.”

“Evan?” Tommy’s voice brought Buck out of his memories. “Where did you go sweetheart?”

“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about one of the last talks I had with B-Bobby. Right after we signed the papers, we talked about my future with the department. Bobby w-was gonna look into a transfer for me so I could start learning what I need to, s-so I can be a captain one day.

“B-but now with th-the baby, I don’t think it’s the right time for me to st-start that process. I still want to-to transfer though. I-I was already feeling distant from everyone else before B-Bobby d-d-died. If the fact that no one b-but Ravi has responded to me check-in is anything to go by, that w-won’t change. Between that and se-seeing Pops everywhere in the One-Eighteen, I-I think a transfer after my p-paternity leave, or maternity leave or whatever you want to call it, will be good for me.”

“Evan, if you feel like that’s the right move for you career wise, then I support you one-hundred-percent. You have to go on light duty now anyway, right? Maybe you can look into temporarily transferring to HQ for that? Give everyone time to adjust to the change so they don’t think you’re transferring just because of what happened?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell B-” Buck cut himself off. He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the tears that he knew were coming. Buck dropped the towel on the counter and turned around to walk toward the living room. Tommy was on his hip every step of the way and when Buck finally collapsed on the couch, covering his face with his hands, Tommy was right there to wrap him up in his arms. “I was going to say that I’ll tell Bobby about needing to go on light duty because my instinct is to tell him everything work related. But he’s gone and I don’t even know who I should turn to right now. Hen’s usually his second, but she’s going to be out for at least a couple of weeks recovering from her injuries.”

“I was going to call my captain in a few minutes or when we finished talking if something else came up. I’ll ask him what he knows about who’s covering A shift at the One-Eighteen and see if maybe we can both meet with him about the baby.”

“What do you need to talk to your captain about, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Other than notifying him about my need for paternity leave in a couple of months? I need to talk to him about what my punishment for taking another helicopter out without authorization will be. According to Miriam, it’s looking like a slap on the wrist because the department is torn between wanting to essentially give the Army the middle finger and discouraging me from doing this a third time,” the older man explained.

“You saved lives after the Coast Guard and the Army failed to act. You should be getting another medal, not being punished,” Buck grumbled. He turned in Tommy’s hold, bullying him until he was laying on the couch and Buck could cuddle into him.

“I don’t think anyone’s getting any medals this time, baby.”

They were quiet for a little while after that, both of them simply taking comfort in each other’s presence. It ended up being Buck who broke the silence.

“I want to name them after Pops,” he whispered. “Boy or girl, doesn’t really matter, but I want a name where Bobby can be their nickname. As long as it’s okay with Athena at least.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause the thing is, I’ve imagined it in the past, naming a kid after him. Even if Pops was still alive. I’d want to name the baby Bobby,” Buck shyly admitted.

“You keep switching back and forth between calling Bobby by his name and calling him Pops. If it’s because the change was so recent and you lost him so soon after, I get it. But if it’s because you’re nervous about what I’ll say to you calling him Pops, then I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think that, but please don’t stop yourself because of me.”

“It’s a little bit of both. And you didn’t do anything. For as much as everyone likes- liked, to joke about my relationship with Bobby. They don’t seriously acknowledge it. Everyone is more likely to remind me he is- wasn’t my actual father. Especially if Maddie is around because she has opinions on my relationship with my birth parents and what she’s decided it should be.”

“Well, you can call him Pops as much as you want to with me.

“As for the name, I’m fine with using the nickname Bobby, or I guess maybe Bobbi-with-an-I for a girl. But it might take everyone else a little longer to be okay with it,” Tommy warned. “And I’m sorry, but Roberta just sounds too old fashioned to me.”

“I figure that for a boy, if it’s too much we can just call him Robbie. Not a big change, but just enough of one that it doesn’t hurt so bad. And I was not considering the name Roberta for a girl, ‘cause I agree with you. There are old fashioned names that are classic and still fit in well in the modern time, and there are old fashioned names that just sound way too dated to be used for a baby born now.”

“I’d you have an idea for a girl’s name then?”

“Barbara. Back during my nomad period I met a Barbara who’s best friend called her Bobbi,” Buck explained.

“Barbara? I like it. Barbara Buckley-Kinard or Robert Buckley-Kinard.”

“Just Kinard. I’d rather our child not have that connection to my parents.”

“Just Kinard then,” Tommy agreed with a sniffle.

_______

“Take a seat, you two,” Chief Simpson barked at them. When Tommy had called his captain two days before to set up a meeting time and figure out who Evan could report to, he hadn’t expected that they would both be meeting with Captain Rollins and Chief Simpson. He probably should have expected it though. “So stealing a helicopter once wasn’t enough for you two? You had to go and do it a second time?”

“It was my idea,” Evan exclaimed, clearly intent on defending the pilot. “Sergeant Grant and I couldn’t let my team be treated like sacrificial guinea pigs by the Army, so we tracked the cure down ourselves. I called Tommy because we needed a distraction and I knew I could use our personal history to get Tommy to agree. It was all my fault and any punishment should be mine alone to carry.”

“Be that as it may,” the chief straight up growled. “Firefighter-pilot Kinard knew full well what he was doing. And I don’t believe for a second that you actually discussed it with Captain Rollins and got permission, no matter what he says.

“Having said all of that, Captain Rollins is claiming that you two used private communication to discuss Buckey’s request and I have no proof that you didn’t. And considering the fact that the Army, in the opinion of the Los Angeles Fire Department, massively overstepped its bounds by condemning a whole team to death with evidence of only one person being infected, just to keep what happened a secret? Well, we’ve decided to be extremely lenient with you two. You’ll both be suspended for a week, starting today, with pay. It will go on the record and stay with you both for your whole careers. You’ll both be ineligible for promotion for the next two years, and you, Kinard, will be on ground crew for the next three months. The only reason you both weren’t fired like the Army wanted is because we’re angrier with them than we are with you two.”

“All of that sounds more than fair,” Tommy stated. He knew Evan’s body language, so Tommy knew that when Evan tensed up at the Chief grounding him, it was because the younger man wanted to protest and try to take on the heavier punishment. But Tommy recognized how lucky they both were with such a light punishment. The last thing they needed to do was fight any bit of it, even on behalf of each other.

“It is. I need you both to sign both sets of these papers, acknowledging that we had this talk and confirming everything that we discussed. One set goes in your files, the other set is yours to keep.”

They both read over the paperwork given to them, confirming it was exactly as the chief said and that there weren’t any surprised, then signed them and handed them back.

“Buckley, before Captain Nash’s death, he requested a meeting for the both of you with HR. And you requested a meeting with Captain Rollins two days ago. Can you explain why? I can’t help but think that the two meetings are connected.”

“I’m pregnant!” Evan blurted out. Under any other circumstance, Tommy would find the younger man’s blush adorable (he still found it adorable). But in front of the chief and his captain? Tommy just wanted to comfort Evan. “Th-the Army discovered the pregnancy when they examined me that night. I didn’t know I was a carrier before that.”

“So you want to meet with me to disclose your pregnancy?” Captain Rollins chimed into the conversation for the first time. “How far along are you?”

“Seven months. And since my shift’s second is also out on medical leave, I didn’t know who I should meet with about it.”

“And your meeting with Captain Nash and myself?”

“B-Bobby, I mean Captain Nash, adopted me before he d-died?”

“Start from the beginning,” Captain Rollins ordered.

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