Reading Time: 75 Minutes

Title: The Voice Inside Sings a Different Song
Author: Bythia
Fandom: Heated Rivalry, Game Changer Series
Genre: Established Relationship, Slash
Relationship(s): Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Hate Speech, homophobia, homophobic language
Author Note: Back in December, I told myself I would not fall into this fandom. Because I don’t do sports fandoms. That resolution lasted until Christmas Day. Then I rushed through reading the books, and promptly got so lost in a new fandom, I sat down and wrote a whole story for QB additional to the two I was already writing. So here we are, with a story that’s nearly double as long as I expected it to be.
Beta: starlitenite
Word Count: 87,663
Summary: The emergency landing of Ilya’s plane makes Shane realize that he needs to shift his priorities. While he and Ilya scramble to come up with a new plan about how to come out this following summer instead of ten years down the line, Shane sees some of his worst fears coming true while at the same time finding support he had never dared to even dream of.
Artist: CorgiQueen14

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A Hollanov Timeline – As Remembered by Shane and Ilya

World Juniors 2008 and 2009

Ilya and Shane sat on the couch in their Ottawa home with barely any space between them. The video started with them practically giggling with each other. Fifteen seconds into the recording, Harris said from off-camera, “We’re recording, guys.”

Ilya whispered something that wasn’t caught by the microphone, and Shane poked him in the side with his elbow, hissing, “Behave!”

Off camera, Harris sighed audibly. “Guys, we’ll have to start recording again!”

“Right, right!” Ilya grinned and straightened his back, turning to the camera. “Are here to talk about first meeting, right?”

“December 2008, Saskatchewan,” Shane said with a nostalgic smile. “The first time I heard of you, to be honest. The first time I heard people talk about someone else like they talked about me. I wasn’t very happy about someone stealing the limelight. But then I saw you play during training with your team, and I suddenly understood.”

Ilya shook his head, still grinning. “I had heard about you. My manager told me you would be my only obstacle to being drafted to the NHL two weeks before we flew to Canada. He had given me some videos to watch.”

“Explains why you could beat me,” Shane said with raised brows. “You didn’t put that much preparation into it the next year. I did!”

Ilya huffed. “I was prepared! But Russia had bad goaltender in 2009! The one from 2008 was too old for World Juniors then. The new one was lazy and didn’t care enough to study you. There is reason he did not stay with the game. He didn’t go to any of the major hockey leagues anywhere in the world.”

“If your defence had been better, you could’ve compensated for a bad goalie,” Shane said with a smug grin.

“We still got silver!” Ilya protested.

“Still nothing to gloat about,” Shane said. “You’d have to have taken gold both years if you wanted something to gloat about with the World Juniors.”

Ilya rolled his eyes. Then his face lit up. “Wait, so you admit you were spending all your time for a whole year watching videos of me to prepare for 2009?”

This time it was Shane who rolled his eyes. “In your dreams. I watched the videos of your games, and I watched them with my teammates. There was no secret mooning you’re trying to make up right now.”

“Nothing secret about it anymore!” Ilya gloated.

“Anyway. I had heard of you, then I saw you play and thought, ‘I need to introduce myself to that guy’. So I went to look for you and found you smoking right under a ‘no smoking’ sign.”

Ilya grinned brightly. “And it was love at first sight for you right there!”

Shane punched Ilya’s arm. “It was not!”

Ilya nodded. “Yes, it was. I know for sure. You shook my hand twice in less than five minutes!”

Shane blushed. “Lies!”

“You did,” Ilya said. “I remember because I did not understand most of what you said. English was very difficult then. But the two handshakes were very clearly flirting. So I made sure English was much better when we saw each other again on Draft Day.”

“Your English wasn’t that bad!” Shane protested.

Ilya shook his head with a sigh. “No, it was really bad. Was difficult to learn, to find place to learn back home. And my father did not want me to learn. He wanted me in KHL. He made sure I learned German in school for foreign language. So I had to find way around him. And way around him was my very good friend Sveta. She knew English because she spoke Russian and English at home. So she helped me learn.”

Shane blinked. “I didn’t know that.”

Ilya shrugged, a mischievous smile on his face. “Not very important. And I did not want to admit that I barely answered during that first meeting because I did not know how. I made sure I knew how to the next time we saw each other. Draft Day. Where my dream came true, and I beat you again!”

“And who got best rookie, huh? That’s more important than the first draft. Because that shows who could really perform as everyone had expected of them!”

Ilya laughed and patted Shane’s knee placatingly, to which Shane responded by shoving Ilya away. Ilya fell to the side, flailing his arms around in dramatic exaggeration.

“I learn English so I can flirt back, and you abuse me!” Ilya complained loudly. “I should have known when you flirted back but did not offer to come back to my room with me night after Draft Day!”

Shane blushed and cleared his throat. “I was too busy reminding myself that kissing you was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea. And believe me, that was very, very difficult. With you sitting in front of me, all sweaty and insisting I share your water.”

“Would’ve been the best idea!” Ilya protested and sat up again.

Shane shook his head. “I had a girlfriend. Though I might have broken up with her a couple of days later.” He turned his gaze to the camera with a rueful smile. “I’m not going to mention your name, but if you see this right now, I’m really sorry. I was very, very busy at the time, telling myself that I was not gay.”

Ilya huffed and wrapped his arm around Shane’s shoulder. “She can tell everyone she dated The Shane Hollander. Has no reason to feel sorry for herself. There aren’t a lot of people who can claim that. Because you fell head over heels first time you saw me and could not ever think of anyone else again!”

Shane grinned and watched Ilya with a heated gaze. “So, you really learned English so you could flirt with me?”

Ilya nodded. “I did. And then it didn’t work on Draft Day. And at World Juniors after the draft, we barely saw each other.”

Shane blushed and ducked his head. “I avoided you. I didn’t want to have to fight that temptation again. Seemed like an even worse idea that year because everyone was really focusing on our supposed rivalry.”

Ilya laughed. “If they had only known that only tension between us was much more … intimate.”

The CCM Shoot 2010

The video started with a picture of Ilya and Shane from the CCM campaign in 2010. It wasn’t one of the pictures used for the campaign, but one where they were laughing. They were facing the camera, shoulders brushing against each other as if there was an invisible force pulling them together as they rose from the face-off position amidst their laughter.

“How many pictures did they send you?” Shane asked, and the video cut to Shane and Ilya sitting on the couch again, in the same clothes as in the last video. “And why did you only show me the one you gave me for Christmas?”

“Everything, I think,” Ilya said, smiling widely again. “I chose my favourite for Christmas. We are not sharing that with world, is too precious.”

Shane smiled fondly. “Yeah, it is.” He cleared his throat and glanced up from the tablet in his hands to look at the camera. “And for the record, we’ve talked with the photographer about all the pictures that we’ll show in this video. You can find his information and a link to his website and his Instagram in the description down below.”

“He did great work,” Ilya said. “And not just for the campaign.”

The video switched to show another picture. This time, Shane and Ilya stood at the boards, relaxed and talking to each other. It was clearly a candid shot from a break.

“Oh, wow.” Shane chuckled. “Did he catch us while you told me you had arranged that whole thing?”

“No privacy anywhere,” Ilya said in a mock-complaining tone. “Until we were in the showers at least. Was very good to have privacy there.”

“Ilya,” Shane said with a long-suffering sigh.

“What? Is truth!”

Harris cleared his throat as the video cut back to Shane and Ilya on the couch again. “Ilya arranged that photo shoot?”

Shane mouthed a silent ‘Thank you!’ in the direction of the camera while Ilya’s face lit up in youthful excitement. “Yes, of course I did! I thought we would not have much time to talk when we played against each other. So there needed to be something else. CCM wanted to do separate shoots with each of us. So I suggested doing them together instead.”

“And they listened to you,” Harris said.

Ilya nodded. “Was brilliant idea. And great campaign, yes? And I finally convinced Shane to come to my hotel room with me! Was beginning of everything. And now we are going to get married in the summer.”

Shane was watching the tablet again. “I don’t know how everyone on that set can’t have known all this time,” he murmured with wide eyes.

Another picture appeared. It showed a new candid shot of Ilya and Shane without hockey gear this time. They were both smiling much more freely and relaxed than in any other picture that had ever been published of them. They were also leaning into each other, though not quite touching this time.

“We could ask,” Ilya suggested.

Shane huffed. “We will not!”

Ilya laughed, and the picture changed. They were in the face-off position this time, but their heads were lowered, and they leaned heavily on their sticks, clearly laughing so hard they could barely stay upright.

“This was awful!” Shane said, laughing. “Once we started laughing in that shoot, I just couldn’t stop. It wasn’t even my first photoshoot and I felt so unprofessional.”

“It was my first photoshoot,” Ilya said, sounding amused. “And I made mistake to tell you that. You kept blaming me when you couldn’t stop laughing either. Was very unfair.”

“It was your fault!” Shane exclaimed.

“We did not leave bad impression, though,” Ilya said. “They’ve kept booking one of us every couple of years.”

“One of us is probably the important part here!” Shane said. “They don’t want to have us on set together again!”

Ilya chuckled. “That’s fine. One time was all I needed.”

The picture changed again. It was taken from the side of the set, with the photographer and some other people visible on the right side. Shane was on center ice for solo shots. Ilya leaned against the boards on the other side of the rink from where the photo was taken. While Shane was focused on his shots, Ilya watched with a small smile.

“Who fell in love at first sight again?” Shane asked teasingly. “First, I learn that you made sure your English was better all for me, and now this. Honestly, everyone on this set had to have known that the media’s claim that we hated each other was all bullshit. I can’t believe we were this obvious!”

“Maybe they didn’t want us on set together again so they would not have to keep our secret with even more incriminating evidence at hand,” Ilya said. “After we come out, we should ask if they want to do a shoot with us together again.”

The video ended with one last picture. Ilya and Shane were visibly older, but they were on the set of a CCM shoot again, somewhere backstage. Shane was sitting on a couch, and Ilya was lying with his head in Shane’s lap. Shane had one hand tangled up in Ilya’s hair while he was reading a book, and Ilya’s eyes were closed, a content smile on his face. At the bottom of the pictures was written, “Look out for our new CCM campaign this coming autumn!”

Falling for him (Shane’s version)

The focus of the camera was on Shane, but Ilya was mostly in the frame to his right as well. He was leaning against the armrest of the couch with his legs thrown over Shane’s lap and watching Shane with a gleeful smile.

Shane cleared his throat. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea to give him all this ammunition, Harris!”

Ilya laughed. “I promise to behave!”

Shane lowered his gaze at him. “Do you even know what that word means?”

Ilya clasped his hands over his heart. “Why are you so mean to me? I’m wounded! I thought you loved me!”

Shane rolled his eyes. “I do love you. And have loved you for going on a decade. Which means I know all your faults.”

“Tell us how you got there,” Harris said from behind the camera.

“Sometimes I don’t know either,” Shane said with a mock glare in Ilya’s direction. “Despite what Ilya claims, it was not love at first sight. Probably not even lust at first sight.”

Ilya huffed and raised his brows in clear disbelief.

Shane blushed. “I was really good at pushing those kinds of thoughts away at the time, though. Maybe I don’t remember that part because I made myself forget.”

Ilya smiled sadly and held his hand out, which Shane took without hesitation and without looking at Ilya.

“But it’s true that I couldn’t stop thinking about Ilya after I met him the first time,” Shane continued. “Then on Draft Day, I very nearly kissed him in that hotel gym after we had raced each other on the machines into utter exhaustion. He also didn’t make it easy to resist at all.”

Ilya sighed deeply. “I wanted you to kiss me! Instead, I had to wait a whole year more for that first kiss!”

Shane smiled and placed his free hand—the one that wasn’t already holding onto Ilya’s hand—on Ilya’s shin, stroking his thumb back and forth. “Maybe that was for the best. I mean, we already spent seven years sneaking around everyone whenever we were in the same town. That’s better than eight years!”

Ilya huffed out a laugh and shook his head.

Shane sighed. “Okay. So, this video is about admitting when I fell in love with Ilya. And the truth is, I don’t know. Somewhere along the way during those seven years between the CCM shoot and the All-Star Game in 2017.” He frowned and tilted his head to the side. “No. That’s not quite right. I knew a couple of months before that All-Star Game. Ilya invited me to stay the whole night at his place. Which was new and … I don’t know. That whole evening was very much breaking down the careful distance we had always tried to keep between us. And I wanted it so much. But I knew I couldn’t want it. I wasn’t allowed to want it. Not if I wanted to keep playing hockey, and I honestly never wanted to do anything else than play hockey ever since my parents gave me a stick and dropped a puck in front of me for the first time when I was four or five years old.”

Ilya chuckled. “I’ve seen pictures of that. You were so cute!”

Shane glared at him. “Those will stay private!”

“I’m not going to share,” Ilya promised. “Don’t worry.”

Shane sighed and turned back to the camera, but he was looking at a point below it instead of directly into it like before. “I panicked over being offered everything I wanted that I knew I could never have. So I ran away and ghosted Ilya for a while. And then I was introduced to Rose.”

Shane frowned. “Everything I say here about Rose is approved by her. Just to be clear. She is going to watch this video, and if she doesn’t like anything I’ve said, we’ll cut it out. Or I have to sit down and record this whole thing again.

“Rose is pretty great. And we clicked right away. I mean, she is one of my best friends now, of course we got along great. And I thought it was a sign that maybe she was the woman I had been waiting for, the one who would make me feel normal. Who would make me want to do all the things I was expected to want.”

Ilya made a sound somewhere between a whine and a groan. He was frowning at Shane, but he didn’t say anything.

Shane shrugged with a sad smile. “I know it’s … bullshit. But I was struggling really badly with convincing myself I wasn’t gay after all. And that I could fall in love with someone other than Ilya. Rose was a great friend from the very first day and helped me figure out that … it was okay to accept that I’m gay and in love with Ilya. Rose was the first one I ever admitted to that I really had no sexual interest in women at all. Ilya was the first one, a little later, to whom I said the words ‘I’m gay’.”

“Was no news for me,” Ilya murmured, and Shane rolled his eyes with a fond smile.

“So, that was the time when I knew without a doubt that I was head over heels in love with Ilya,” Shane continued. “But I couldn’t tell you when it happened exactly. Maybe it was always there a little bit from that night after Draft Day. Knowing I’d face Ilya on the ice always made me more excited for a game. There was never a game where I faced Ilya where I felt off. I mean, we all have off days, right? But never for a game against Ilya, not once. We enjoy competing with each other, and when we’re facing off on the ice, we can do it directly, not just indirectly through keeping track of scores and who gets which trophies.”

“I’m going to reach the 1000 points before you!” Ilya said.

Shane laughed. “In your dreams. But I’m looking forward to my husband rewarding me for getting there first.” He threw Ilya a look and shook his head. “Anyway. That’s a matter to be decided next season, probably.”

“Definitely next season!” Ilya exclaimed. “Early next season!”

“For me, maybe,” Shane said with a smirk. “Let’s move on.”

“Yes, please,” Harris said from behind the camera.

“I tell you,” Ilya said. “You saw me for first time and fell in love right away.”

“In your dreams,” Shane said. “But I think that maybe it was before Sochi. Just because of how worried I was about you during that. And how much it hurt when you wouldn’t talk to me. Of course, I should’ve expected it. I should’ve known how difficult it was for you to be home with all the pressure of the Olympic Games at home and having to hide a huge part of yourself. Maybe I should’ve realized then that what we had wasn’t just casual.”

Ilya shook his head. “Wasn’t good time for me. I think … maybe not realizing earlier than we did was good. Was perfect time.”

Shane smiled and turned to look at him. “Yeah?”

Ilya nodded. “Yes.”

The video ended with a candid photo from a pool. Ilya was in the pool, apparently playing with some children. Shane was sitting on a sun chair watching Ilya with a smile, but his eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. In the lower right corner the photo was dated “Tampa, February 2017”.

Falling for him (Ilya’s version)

The focus of the video was pointed at Ilya, with Shane sitting to his left, one leg pulled onto the couch, an arm resting along the backrest while his body was turned towards Ilya. Ilya looked at Shane at first with a grin, then turned to the camera.

“I’m not as boring as Shane!” Ilya declared loudly. “I remember when I started falling in love with him.”

“Oh, really?” Shane asked mockingly.

Ilya nodded. “Yes, of course!”

“You realize this is not a competition?”

Ilya winked at Shane. “Everything is a competition! Don’t pretend you think any different Mr. ‘who is faster unloading the dishwasher’!”

Shane blushed and cleared his throat. “You’re making things up!”

Harris laughed behind the camera. “I need to hear that story later. But for now, Ilya, when did you fall in love with Shane?”

“First little bit was during All-Star Game in rookie year,” Ilya said.

Shane’s head whipped up, and he stared at Ilya with his mouth hanging open. “What?”

Ilya nodded. “We were asked to give interview together. Media always liked that. Always tried to play up our rivalry during it.”

“Yeah. They still do. Even though we’ve never once given them the kind of fight they’ve been aiming for.”

“Sometimes interviews are hard,” Ilya said. “There is a lot happening at once, and it’s loud. Sometimes I don’t understand question. Because they spoke too fast, or there was too much noise, and I didn’t understand their words over it.”

Shane bit his lip and nodded.

“But interviews with you are always better.” Ilya watched Shane intently. “Because you know when I struggle, and you take over. People have called you rude for it, and maybe one day soon I will be able to start fighting them in the comments.”

“Please don’t!” Harris muttered.

Ilya shrugged. “They deserve to be called out. They assume worst of Shane even though all he does is help. Shane always knows when I don’t understand question. And he always covers it. I noticed for first time at that interview on All-Star Weekend 2011. So that was when I knew he was special.”

Shane blushed. “You’re making this up!”

Ilya shook his head with an indulgent smile. “No, I’m not. Are you trying to say you aren’t picking those questions up?”

“No, I am,” Shane said. “It’s pretty obvious when you hesitate because you didn’t understand something. And I’ve seen how vicious people can be with any player who struggles with his English sometimes. I’m not giving them a chance to exploit that in front of me. But you’re making it up that this is the reason you fell in love with me!”

Ilya frowned. “Why should I make it up?”

“I don’t know!” Shane huffed. “But … that’s six years of knowing you were in love with me while still holding onto the status quo of things being casual. I just … I don’t like that.”

Ilya put a hand on Shane’s knee. “I did not think it could be more than casual for all those years. Between Russia and the NHL, and the way the locker rooms are. So, if causal was all I could have, it was enough.”

“But it wasn’t enough,” Shane whispered.

Ilya lowered his gaze. “Of course it wasn’t enough. But in those years, it had to be.” He rubbed his thumb over Shane’s knee and turned to him. “But we’ve had years now where we had so much more. And in the summer, we will have everything. When we post these videos, we will already have everything because everyone will know, and we don’t have to hide anymore.”

Shane nodded and covered Ilya’s hand with his. “Next time we are at one of Fabian’s concerts … or something else, I’ll hold your hand.”

Ilya chuckled. “Your hand on my back was great. But I’m very excited not to have to hide that anymore. And next All-Star Game or whatever, I can demand to sit beside you.”

Shane laughed. “Oh, yeah. Somehow, people always make sure we don’t sit right beside each other. I think they fear we’ll just start fighting or something.”

“People are stupid,” Ilya said.

Shane slapped his shoulder. “You can’t say that, Ilya!”

“But is true!” Ilya complained. “If anyone had paid attention, we would have been outed years ago.”

The video ended with a picture, the caption reading “All-Star 2017”. A group of six hockey players sat around a table. Between Ilya and Shane sat Carter Vaughan, and Shane was gesturing over the table, clearly very animated about the topic of discussion. Ilya sat leaning back in his chair, watching Shane with an indulgent smile.

All-Star Game 2017

The video started with the most famous picture of the 2017 All-Star Game: After Ilya’s assist led to Shane scoring a goal, Ilya had just crashed into Shane, and the photographer had managed to capture the exact moment when Ilya kissed Shane’s cheek.

“I nearly kissed you right there on the ice,” Ilya said, and the video cut to Shane and Ilya sitting on a patio. A little to the side was a fire pit with a lit fire, and Ilya and Shane were huddled together under a blanket, both holding a tablet with one hand. Their dog Anya was lying beside Ilya on the outdoor couch, her head resting on Ilya’s thigh.

“You did kiss me,” Shane said and nodded at the tablet. “There is evidence. And a million or more people who remember very well and still wonder about it.”

“I meant, really kiss you. On the mouth. A proper kiss. And they won’t wonder anymore when we post this video.”

Shane grinned and leaned a little more into Ilya. “God, can you imagine the scandal if you had kissed me on the mouth?”

“Back then, it would not have been very funny,” Ilya said softly. “Not with my father dying and Russia. But if it happened now? Yes. But everyone would think we copied old man Scott Hunter and his much better-looking boyfriend. So that’s not how we come out.”

Shane laughed. “No, we’re going to come out by dropping the news of our wedding and then avoiding all of social media for at least two weeks if everything goes to plan.”

“Perfect plan,” Ilya said with a nod.

“This All-Star Weekend was the best for so many reasons,” Shane said.

Ilya nodded. “We finally were on same team. I thought they’d never let that happen. And of course, you had broken up with Rose!”

Shane shoved his elbow into Ilya’s side. “Behave!”

“I am behaving!” Ilya protested in mock outrage. “I love Rose, you know that! She is great friend. But you could’ve become her friend without making me jealous over it first!”

“I’m not responsible for your jealousy.”

“You stole my heart. Who else is responsible for that?”

Shane shook his head and rolled his eyes, but his smile gave away his amusement. “Finally getting to play with you on the same team was great. It was great this year, too. But the best part was that we both … admitted that this thing between us wasn’t casual. Even if it still seemed impossible at the time.”

“Impossible to have, but also impossible not to have,” Ilya agreed with a sad smile. “You mentioned in video from other day how scared you were before that. I was scared, too. I wanted so much. And I enjoyed the weekend so much. But I could not see a future where we were safe.” He blew out a breath and started patting Anya. “And I did not dare to be unable to go back. I … My relationship with my father was very complicated. But he was sick, and I needed to care for him. And I needed to be able to go to his funeral.”

Shane wrapped his arm around Ilya’s waist and pressed a short kiss against his temple.

“At the time, I thought it was another stolen weekend. Something to dream about later, but nothing more,” Ilya said, staring at Anya, who blinked up at him and whined a little as if to ask if he was okay. “But looking back now, it was best weekend of whole season. And maybe only thing to keep me sane when I had to go home a couple of weeks later.”

“You don’t have to talk about this,” Shane whispered.

“No, is okay.” Ilya shook his head. “Whole world knows my father died that spring. Plenty people complained I was missing games for a whole week. Sometimes fans and even franchises don’t remember we are people with lives, too.” He frowned. “But Boston management was really good. Even helped me book flights. Because I learned about it right after game. Hadn’t even gotten out of my skates yet.

“Being home was more difficult than ever before that time. I had not … I knew it was coming. I had heard how bad my father was getting every time he called. But I was not prepared despite knowing.”

“I don’t think you can ever be prepared for something like this.”

Ilya nodded. “Yes. Is true. So I went home. And what kept me focused was memory of All-Star Weekend.” Suddenly, Ilya looked up with a mischievous smile. “Did you ever figure out anything I told you when I called from Moscow?”

Shane gave a startled laugh. “No. Should I have?”

Ilya hummed. “I thought maybe you remembered one phrase eventually. But it was in the middle of everything else. It was the first time I told you I loved you. When you told me to tell you in Russian all about my frustration of being home and dealing with my brother and the funeral. I told you all of that, and then I also told you how deeply in love with you I was and how terrifying that was because I did not know how anything between us could ever work.”

Shane huffed. “I can’t believe you!”

Ilya shrugged with a lopsided grin. “I was not ready to talk about this with you if you could understand. But it was good to unload all of it. To admit to it out loud.”

“Fuck.” Shane leaned his forehead against Ilya’s temple. “Now I wish I remembered more of your monologue. Why didn’t you ever tell me before?”

“You were not intended to understand then,” Ilya murmured. “We said it together in the summer. I think that was nice. But your Russian is pretty good now, and I just wondered if maybe you remembered.”

“My Russian is still horrible,” Shane said. “And back then, I didn’t know anything about Russian. I don’t think I even made out individual words. I really don’t remember anything you said, but I think back to that day a lot. Because even though I didn’t understand anything, the amount of trust you showed me that day was still amazing.”

Ilya wiped his hand over his eyes and shook his head. “Okay, enough of this.”

Shane kissed Ilya’s temple again and whispered something in Russian. The captain read ‘I love you’.

The video cut to another picture from the 2017 All-Star Game. Ilya and Shane were on the ice in their gear with other players on the ice as well, but everything except them was slightly blurred. They were grinning at each other brightly, and it was easy to believe that for them nothing around them had mattered or even existed at that moment.

Scott Hunter’s Big Moment (Shane’s version)

“2017 was a crazy year,” Shane said as soon as the video started. He sat on a barstool in the kitchen where Ilya had been for his coming out video. Shane’s back was turned to the counter, and one arm was propped on it. With the other hand, he was holding a smoothie. “I mean, with Ilya and me finally starting to figure things out between us, that was already crazy enough. And then there was Ilya’s father dying, and right when he came back, Marlow took me out for the rest of the season.”

“He is still not forgiven!” Ilya called from somewhere off camera.

Shane shook his head. “I have forgiven you, Marly, that’s the important thing. Anyway. Despite all that going on, the craziest thing still is Scott Hunter deciding to just … change the status quo about queer hockey players being open and proud. Of course, it didn’t change everything all at once. There is a reason Ilya and I haven’t come out until now, beyond the additional complication of our rivalry and Russia.

“But it was still a moment that changed the game fundamentally. It changed something for me fundamentally. And I’ve already told him this in person at least twice. But I’ll happily repeat it here: I am eternally grateful for Scott’s courage to be the first one. Even with Scott and now Troy Barrett being out and playing for the NHL, there is no guarantee that coming out won’t lead to being ousted from the League. It has happened to others who have come out since Scott, though, of course, officially other reasons were stated. But I don’t think a single player who knows about their coming out doubts the real reason.

“Scott risked ending his career as a hockey player when he could still have years ahead of him to come out. And he knew it. I’m truly happy for him that his teammates, his coaches, his management all support him. That’s not something you can take for granted. I know that. I will go into free agency after this season, and I never expected that to happen at all.”

Shane inhaled deeply. “Scott gave me hope. I think this is one of those moments where you’ll remember where you were for the rest of your life. I was at my parents’ home, my arm still in a sling. Mom had predicted that the Admirals would get the Cup weeks earlier. We were talking about the game and how much better Scott had played for the second half of the season when we saw him waving Kip down to the ice.

“And then Scott kissed Kip right there on center ice. I thought my whole world was shifting. I had been texting with Ilya, too, but at that moment all I could do was stare at the screen. I was awed, and jealous, and afraid all at once. But most of all, for the first time I felt hope that what I wanted with Ilya so much and what seemed so impossible might be possible after all.”

Shane paused for a moment. “Scott changed my life that day. And I didn’t dare tell him that directly back then, but I did send an email to assure him of my support. Ilya called me while everyone was still going crazy over Scott kissing his boyfriend, while my parents were still trying to find their words again. I had invited him to spend the summer with me after my injury, and all I had gotten was a ‘maybe’. So I didn’t have much hope. But then Scott kissed Kip on national television, and Ilya called me to tell me he’d spend the summer with me.”

Shane grinned, and his gaze turned to the side for a moment. “It turned into the best off-season I’d ever had. Of course, I could’ve done without Dad practically walking in on us, but other than that, it was absolutely perfect to spend so much time together at once. And to finally call Ilya my boyfriend. All because of Scott Hunter.”

“Lies!” Ilya protested loudly. “All lies! We did not need Scott Hunter for anything! We would’ve gotten there on our own.”

Shane laughed. “Probably. In another seven years, or so!”

Scott Hunter’s Big Moment (Ilya’s version)

Ilya sat on the couch in the living room, his arms crossed over his chest. “Why did we decide to make different videos for this for each of us? For the record, dinosaur Scott Hunter is not the reason I spent the summer that year with Shane. That was all me!”

Somewhere in the background, Shane laughed loudly.

Ilya raised his chin. “But Scott was brave. That’s true. And he has been doing a lot to make things better. I was at home alone watching the game and texting with Shane. It was a good moment. I think also good moment to choose to come out. Very public. No way for anyone to…” He trailed off with a frown.

“Sweep it under the rug,” Shane provided.

Ilya nodded. “No one could sweep it under the rug. And that’s important. Maybe Scott would not be in League anymore if he had been quieter. That’s just truth. And people will shout at me and accuse me of being ungrateful for League. But thing is, if we don’t speak up, nothing will change. And … taking on NHL is less scary than taking on Russian government. Greater chance for success, too. And I’m doing it for Shane as much as for me, so more reason, too.”

He sucked in air through his teeth. “Getting off topic. Hunter didn’t kiss his much better-looking boyfriend for the NHL or for any other queer players. But he still did a lot for everyone else with that. And now he has been doing a lot that is explicitly for everyone in the League who is queer. He has whole website. So go look if you don’t know what all he does. I’m not here to teach you about Hunter.”

Ilya pointed down. “Link will be in video description. The Awards Ceremony was very boring that year. Because Shane couldn’t come. He wasn’t allowed to fly yet. All these things have always been horribly boring without Shane. But Hunter’s speech was the only thing not boring. I talked to him briefly later. Tried to tell him about me without telling him. You know, because of Russia and passport and all that. I have permanent residency in Canada now and working on citizenship. Is slow process, but my lawyers promise there won’t be any problem. So Russia is … still a problem. But not so big anymore.”

Ilya paused for a moment, then he grinned. “There was gay club that threw Scott Hunter Night. Hunter invited everyone to come. Of course, there weren’t really a lot of people who came. But I went. It was not as boring as he is. But not as good as if Shane had been there either. Not that I know what it is like to go to a club with Shane and dance with him. Maybe we can find out this summer. It was good to see mood in rest of League that day. I made a list of people I learned I should avoid at all costs. There were even two guys who left room when Scott went on stage for his speech. And the officials did nothing. That was very loud silence.”

Ilya gave the camera an honest smile. “Was good and brave thing what Hunter did. And came at perfect time for Shane and me. I thought maybe more change would come faster. That was very foolish. But maybe one day, young athletes won’t have to hide anymore if they want to have a legit chance of success in the League. That would be great.”

The Irina Foundation

Shane and Ilya sat on the patio again, without a blanket this time and without a fire in the fire pit. Anya was lying in front of their feet, eyes closed but ears twitching from time to time. Ilya and Shane were holding hands, with Shane watching Ilya while Ilya was looking at some point behind the camera.

“Was your idea,” Ilya said quietly. “So maybe you will explain.”

Shane nodded and turned his head to look at the camera. “Anyone who is watching this video and doesn’t know what the Irina Foundation is can click on the link below in the description, and you’ll get right to the homepage of our foundation. It has been great to see the Foundation grow over the last couple of years. This video is mostly to explain how we got to the point of creating it. Because we know there are still people who wonder how we got there in the first place.”

Shane threw a quick look at Ilya. “That first shared summer in 2017, one of our biggest worries was how to work around what our public image was. If you look back at any of our interviews, you’ll see that we never leaned into the rivalry everyone saw. Not in the way everyone perceived it, at least. We like the competition. Competing with Ilya has become one of the best and most exciting things about playing hockey. So that competition is in our interviews. But there was never any hate or disdain or any of that, even though some press releases claimed that.

“So the biggest problem was we couldn’t even be seen together anywhere without people noticing and asking uncomfortable questions. Making us explain ourselves instead of just letting us do whatever we were doing in peace. That’s why I thought we needed to come up with something that would convince people we had turned away from the rivalry off the ice and become friends.”

Shane tilted his head and smiled. “But it should also be something worthwhile. Not just a cover. Something that wasn’t just about giving our public relationship a new narrative. Preferably something that would bring good things. And one day, Ilya told me about his mother. That wasn’t an easy conversation. But it brought up a topic I knew would be important to both of us and that needs more support than it still gets.

“So that’s how the idea for the Foundation came up. It gave us some kind of explanation for our friendship that everyone else would scratch their heads about otherwise. And it gave us a purpose. Something we’ll be able to continue once we hang our skates up. In many, many years. We are not retiring for another decade!”

That brought a brief grin to Ilya’s face, and he nodded.

“It was an easy choice to name the Foundation after Ilya’s mother. And my mother has been an immeasurable help in bringing everything together. She’s had a lot of good ideas about how to move the Foundation forward, too, because all Ilya and I had come up with was the plan to create hockey camps and have the proceeds from the camps go to organizations running mental health programs.”

Shane wet his lip. “I’m proud of what we’re doing with the Foundation. And that we’re doing it in the name of Ilya’s mom. And while I’m not looking forward to hanging up my skates, I am looking forward to that phase in our lives when we’ll have more time to dedicate to the Foundation, and when we’ll be able to have more of a hand in the day-to-day work of it.”

“Until then, it’s in good hands with Yuna,” Ilya said, his voice rough. “I think Mama would’ve liked that.”

The video cut to the picture of a young woman and a boy. They were both smiling at the camera, the boy leaning against her with her arm wrapped around his shoulder. At the bottom it was captioned, “Irina and Ilya, 1999”.

All-Star Game 2019

Ilya and Shane sat on the patio once more, but this time there was no sign of Anya. The fire in the pit and some lights above the patio illuminated the area enough that they could easily be seen on the video, despite it being night. Ilya sat on the edge of the couch with his elbows braced on his knees, Shane’s hand resting on his back.

“I didn’t go to All-Star Weekend in 2019,” Ilya started, staring straight into the camera. “I think most people in League know reason. And every reporter worth their money and covering the NHL does, too. There was a lot of speculation about why I didn’t go and paid the fine instead. But no one ever asked me that question. I think because they didn’t want answer on any broadcast. Sometimes I think self-censorship here is just as bad as government censorship back home.”

Shane bit his lip and sighed, but he just nodded and said nothing.

“I went to a funeral that weekend. One that I wished more players had attended. But Ryan Price and I were the only ones who came to say goodbye and honour one of our own. There weren’t a lot of other people there other than Price and me, either. But I’ve been told drugs do that to a person. It was very sad to see.

“In January of 2019, Duncan Harvey died. He had been a defenseman for Chicago for his whole time with the NHL. Of course, he had been thrown off the team a little while before he died because of his drug problem. And then he had no one to fall back on because hockey and then the drugs had overtaken his life. Harvey died of an overdose, and I don’t think anyone knows if it was deliberate or not. It doesn’t matter anyway. The fact is, he was a man who should’ve had at least another fifty years to live, but he didn’t get that.”

Ilya paused and flexed his jaw. He looked to the side for a moment, visibly gathering his thoughts. “There should’ve been more people from the NHL. Not just players. Management, too. But the only two people from the League who went to Harvey’s funeral were Price and me. I didn’t care for the fine the League made me pay for not showing up to the All-Star Game. No one asked about it because they didn’t want to hear the answer, didn’t want to deal with reality as it was.

“I let them get away with not asking questions about where I had been because I had things to hide. But that was two years ago. We aren’t hiding anymore. And we have decided not to be silent about the reasons why we hid. So I’ve decided to talk about this, too, even though it is two years late.”

Ilya cleared his throat. “There are a lot of things to be sad about when I think about Duncan Harvey. But the biggest of those is knowing that he got thrown out by his team for being on drugs he had probably gotten from someone on the medical team of Chicago, and no one there thought about it until Harvey couldn’t handle it anymore. And when he couldn’t handle it anymore, he was thrown away instead of being offered help.

“Because that’s the ugly side of how we play this game in the League. We get injured, and most of the time, if we can still skate, we still go back on the ice. Even if that means making our injuries worse. And the doctors who are paid by the teams often push for that. They give out pain meds like candy. Tape off injuries that should be treated with rest, and tell us we’re good to go. Because the player demands it. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve done that. I love playing this game, and I hate every game I have to sit out for whatever reason. So I’ve told my team doctor, ‘I’m fine,’ even though I was wondering if maybe my rib was broken and not just bruised. Not that bruised ribs don’t hurt a hell of a lot, too.”

Ilya sighed. “But I’ve also had luck with my doctors in Boston and now in Ottawa. When I or one of my teammates told them, ‘No, I need to sit out this one,’ they made sure we got that. I’ve not been pressured to keep playing when I knew I had reached my limit. I’ve not been given pain meds to make me forget how miserable I felt, and then told I’m paid to be on the ice, not to sit at home. And maybe a big part of that is because I’m careful with the kind of drugs I take, and I make sure everyone knows that.

“There are doctors … a lot of them, who forget that they should be doctors first. For them, being paid by their team comes first. Management’s interests come first. And for some reason, a lot of management doesn’t think their players are as valuable as they are. Some people … management, doctors, fans, stop seeing us as humans sometimes, I think. We play a game to entertain the crowd and to make management money. And when we break, we are discarded and replaced like broken dolls.

“And of course we know what we get into. This has been the game for as long as the League existed, I think. We accept that injury might end our career early. We accept that we will go out on the ice when we don’t feel well, and we will still try to make best of it, to play our best game. Because most of the time, that’s what we want to do.”

Ilya glared at the camera. “‘It’s always been like this’ is not a valid excuse not to talk about a problem. Not to try to find solutions. But League likes to be silent about problems. Like they were silent this season about Dallas Kent. And they were silent two years ago about Duncan Harvey. Because they don’t want scandal. But they also don’t want change. And maybe that’s the more important thing, what they don’t want.

“Thing is, I know, because I talk to many players and have for years, that players want change. Not all, of course. But enough that we make being silent not an option anymore. Because being silent does not make game better. Talking about problems will make game better, eventually. The road will not be easy. Getting better at anything is never easy. But it will be worth it.”

“It will,” Shane agreed.

The video ended showing a picture of Duncan Harvey with a couple of teammates from Chicago, their names listed along the bottom of the picture, with a date added of June 21st, 2016.

The Original Plan

Ilya and Shane sat at the kitchen island on barstools, and the video opened with Shane punching Ilya’s upper arm, both of them laughing madly. Ilya caught Shane’s arm before he could retract it and pressed a kiss against the knuckles while staring at Shane.

Ilya said something in Russian, and the caption read, ‘You know I’m right.’

Shane answered in Russian as well, the caption reading, ‘You’re an asshole, is what you are!’

Harris cleared his throat. “Want to do this video now, guys?”

Shane whipped his head around, blushing. “Yeah, right, sorry.”

Ilya chuckled and pulled Shane’s hand down to lie on his thigh, covering it with his own. “We will behave.”

“I learned long ago that’s something neither of you is capable of,” Harris said. “But the camera is running. And I have lunch plans that don’t include you.”

“I’m sorry, Harris. We’ll get this done now, I promise!” Shane said, cleared his throat and looked straight into the camera. “So. We want to share with all of you some details about the plans we made originally for the timeline for coming out. Back in 2017, after we admitted we couldn’t keep just being casual with each other.”

“Shane woke me up in middle of night,” Ilya said with a grin and a teasing wink in Shane’s direction. “Because that’s how my soon-to-be husband’s brain works. He sees problem, his mind works on it while doing other things. Then he always wakes up in the middle of night with solution. And of course, has to share right away.”

Shane frowned. “I don’t know if I should feel flattered or not?”

“Is very good feature,” Ilya said.

Shane side-eyed him for a moment, then he shook his head. “Okay. It’s true that I thought about the Irina Foundation and its focus in the middle of the night. And that I woke Ilya up to share it with him. But that’s not how it always goes! We figured out all the important details later, mostly over breakfast.”

“One of most important details was about how to spend more time with each other,” Ilya said. “Boston and Montreal aren’t as far away as other places, but still pretty far during season. And … it was important that I needed solution for citizenship. Russia would be problem when I came out. For our relationship, becoming Canadian would be better. And … sometimes USA is not very good for Russians. So another point for Canada. And that meant Canadian team. Though, Boston was always good to me, and it was not easy decision to leave. People wondered why I chose Ottawa. Now you know. Was best solution for my life outside of hockey.”

“Ilya needed to be in Canada to get permanent residency here,” Shane said with a nod. “And his contract with Boston was ending. So, that was the biggest part of our plan. Ilya moves to Canada to work on his citizenship here. We start the Irina Foundation, so we have a reason to be seen with each. And we keep playing hockey without anyone being any the wiser about our relationship. And with that, we do mean anyone. My parents knew, of course. But other than that, we kept it very quiet.”

“The less people know, the lower the chance of the secret getting spilled,” Ilya said with a sad smile. “Others learned over time, but it wasn’t very many. And most of them were accidents.”

Shane huffed. “I really thought it wouldn’t be that difficult to keep our relationship a secret when we planned all of this. I mean, we had been sneaking around behind everybody’s backs for seven years already, and no one had caught us in all that time once! Hell, our first All-Star Game, Ilya told me his room number right on the ice, in front of Scott Hunter, and I don’t know who else. But no one had noticed. So, what would be another decade or a little more, right?”

Ilya grinned and ducked his head. “Yes. Except … being boyfriends was different than pretending to be casual. The distance became … worse, somehow. I don’t know how that worked. We had more of each other. Worked on meeting more. Texted more. Had phone calls nearly every day. But the missing just got worse. So, maybe not so surprising people found out.”

Shane nodded. “Yeah. It was not … I don’t remember what I had expected. But it hadn’t been that. We went from not seeing each other for months on end to going three weeks not seeing each other being utter hell. It is probably not so surprising that some people found out because we weren’t … as careful as we thought. Or we just felt comfortable with them and weren’t as careful in other moments. I think that’s why Hayden drew the right conclusions about us once I came out to my team.”

Shane shrugged and scooted his chair a little closer to Ilya, his hand still resting on Ilya’s thigh. “I really thought it would work and that we would hide for the rest of our careers. Because even with Scott being allowed to stay and play, I was convinced we would not be so lucky. And there was more at risk for Ilya than Scott and me. I mean … I can’t imagine not playing hockey. And I was and am terrified of losing that after all the sacrifices I’ve made for it. But I would manage. Scott would’ve managed. Ilya … might have needed to return to Russia if we had been outed before now. But he has permanent residency, and that means he can stay even if Russia pulls his passport or something.”

“Plan not to come out until we retire, failed,” Ilya said with a grin. “As you can see. But first steps were still good. Because it prepared us to be mostly safe now. League won’t be happy, Russia won’t be happy. But we are at point where worst will mean we are still together. And where worst will mean everyone else will look really bad.”

Shane chuckled and shook his head. “Ilya!”

“What? Is true!” Ilya said with a frown. “They throw us out, they look like big, fat homophobes!”

“Whatever,” Shane said with a sigh. “Part of the original plan was also to carefully come out to select people. So we wouldn’t have to hide completely anymore. Except, we started doing that with my team. Because after Scott had come out, I thought they’d be … at least indifferent to me being gay. Turns out, I was just excluded from all the times they had talked badly about Scott. So that threw a wrench into that part of the plan and … made me take a very big step back from coming out to anyone else. Though I have to say, when Hayden figured out I was dating Ilya, there was at least a little bit of hope growing back.”

“Pike can’t stand me,” Ilya said with raised brows. “And I can’t stand him either.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “At this point, that’s all nothing more than pretending from both of your sides. Don’t think for a moment Jackie and I haven’t seen through you two. Hell, the kids have seen through you. I don’t understand your weird friendship, but you’re definitely friends now. Even if you needed an age to get there.”

“We know we’re stuck with each other,” Ilya said darkly. “That’s all. No friendship. Just … uhm … mutual acceptance of the inevitable.”

Shane laughed and shook his head. “Sure, if that’s what you need to tell yourself to feel better.”

“Threw plan out of window earlier this year,” Ilya said with a pout, but otherwise pretending Shane hadn’t said anything. “There were many reasons. But most of all, hiding sucked. It hurt us both. And we hid too much from each other, too. But we would not be able to come out now without original plan. The important steps worked. I’m in Canada. We managed to spend more time together. Irina Foundation is doing good work and gave us cover. Made us grow stronger friendships with other players, too, when they came to help with camps in summer.”

Shane smiled and bit his lip, glancing at Ilya. “I have to admit, I’m glad the original plan fell through. I’ve been tired of hiding for a long time.”

“Yes. Me, too,” Ilya agreed. “I can’t wait for summer when I can tell everyone you’re my husband now.”

The Real Wedding

“This might sound like a silly title for the video,” Shane started.

He and Ilya sat on the patio again, this time with Anya lying against Shane’s side, half her body on his lap. Ilya had wrapped one arm around Shane’s shoulders while he was scratching Anya between her ears with the other hand.

“But our real wedding was back in October,” Ilya said. “Was very small party. Just Shane and I and the Pike kids. The twins officiated. Was all very sweet.”

Shane grinned. “Jackie had a little accident, so Hayden called me to babysit the children while he and Jackie went to the ER. Ilya was visiting me, so we went over together. The kids adore Ilya. They’ve been calling him Uncle Ilya for over a year now. But the only thing we ever told them was that we’re friends.”

“Pike’s children are much smarter than he is,” Ilya said. “They figured us out. Asked us right away if we were getting married that day. It was silly dream at the time, yes? Because big ten-year plan hadn’t fully fallen apart yet. Shane and I had not talked yet about hurting with that plan. And there we were, with four kids who just saw how much we love each other and who have no idea yet about how cold and unforgiving world can be about that.”

Shane said, “Our wedding attire was a magician’s cape and a top hat for me, and a sequined bow tie and a flowery headband for Ilya. And we had these two plastic rings with hearts, red and purple, to exchange. Jade and Ruby argued for fifteen minutes about who would wear what between Ilya and me. Arthur chose the music for the wedding. A part of the Moana soundtrack that one of their toys had recorded.”

“Our guests were all the stuffed animals in the Pike household,” Ilya continued. With a lowered voice, he added, “Which are a lot. More than I expected, even with four children!”

Shane nudged Ilya with his elbow. “Amber took a nap during the ceremony. But she is the youngest, and Jackie’s accident—it was just a sprained ankle!—had been a lot of not-so-good excitement for her. So she was exhausted. But the twins and Arthur insisted on doing the ceremony right away. So we exchanged vows and rings. Technically, Ilya and I have been husbands since October.”

Ilya pressed a loud and wet kiss against Shane’s cheek.

“Ew, Ilya!” Shane complained and rubbed his hand over his cheek. Then he turned his head and gave Ilya a very short kiss on the lips. “I found your Instagram a while ago.” He turned back to the camera and winked at it. “If anyone wants to see the rings, just scroll back on Ilya’s Instagram timeline, and you’ll find them. They’ve been living on Ilya’s nightstand because we sadly couldn’t wear them without having to answer questions.”

“You found that?” Ilya whispered, awed.

“Of course I did,” Shane said softly and looked at Ilya. “The rings aren’t the only thing I recognized. Your whole Instagram is practically a love letter. Though I don’t think we’ll share any other stories explaining any of those posts other than this one about our wedding.”

“Yes, only this one.”

For several seconds, they stared at each other in silence.

Eventually, Shane turned back to face the camera. “For the paperwork and all that, Ilya and I are going to get married in the summer. And so that our friends can be there. Because when Jade and Ruby married us, not even their parents could be there. That seemed a little unfair, and the kids agree. So, they’re letting us have another, bigger one. But they know their ceremony in October was the real thing. The one that matters in our hearts the most. Because…”

“It was one of the most honest things to ever happen,” Ilya said with a soft smile. “There was no expectation, no hesitance, no … false concerns. Just a couple of children seeing the truth because society hasn’t taught them yet to ignore it or hate it.”

“Yes, exactly that,” Shane agreed.

“We will also keep wedding song,” Ilya said with a grin. “Mostly. It will be a Moana song. But the title song, not the one from the toy.”

“The one from the toy was great for that moment,” Shane said quietly and lowered his gaze. “I forgot the title. But it was the one … the line was something about the voice in your head telling a different story than everyone around you.”

Ilya hummed quietly, then sang, “Everyone on this island has a role on this island. So maybe I can roll with mine. I can lead with pride, I can make us strong. I’ll be satisfied if I play along. But the voice inside sings a different song, what is wrong with me?”

Shane smiled. “Yeah, exactly that. The last line, especially, stuck with me. Though whoever decided to make a toy that only plays all of fifteen seconds of the same song over and over again was evil. I don’t know how Hayd and Jackie haven’t thrown that thing away yet.”

Ilya chuckled. “That’s because you don’t know anything about listening to music at all.”

This time, the nudge of Shane’s elbow was visibly harder, but Ilya’s grin just grew wider.

“We watched the whole movie that night when we came home,” Shane said. “Just because out of all their toys that play some kind of music, Arthur had chosen that one. And that song stayed with me. Because … so many parts of our original plan had been about … what others expected of us. About the expectations we didn’t dare to disappoint.”

Ilya stared at Shane, full of wonder.

Shane glanced at him, then lowered his gaze. “I felt stupid talking about it.”

“Not stupid,” Ilya whispered.

“I didn’t want to follow the path others had forced us into anymore,” Shane said. “But I was also so stuck, I didn’t know how to get out of it. I couldn’t just jump into a boat and sail away. Real life is a lot more difficult than a movie. At least … at least until something sets your priorities straight.”

“Maybe we should change song for wedding,” Ilya said quietly. He raised the hand that had been resting on Shane’s shoulder all along and carded his fingers through Shane’s hair. “Make that our wedding song.”

Shane shook his head. “No. Our wedding dance isn’t about breaking out of expectations. It’s about staying where we are because we’ve found our place. And I’ll never again be anywhere but by your side, Ilya.”

Ilya put one finger under Shane’s chin and turned his head to kiss him. The video cut just after it became clear that this kiss was much more than just a quick peck of lips.

The Engagement

“Shane stole my idea!” Ilya moaned, but his smile and his shining eyes belied any complaint he was trying to make.

They sat in the living room on the couches, and around them were countless electric candles on every flat surface. They were all lit, and the drapes on the windows were closed, so the light of the candles had a dramatic effect. From somewhere off camera, a light was shining onto Ilya and Shane, who were holding hands and both looking stupidly happy.

“I did,” Shane agreed. “You had kind of staked a claim on being the one to propose. So, since I was already taking that for myself, why not steal your idea, too?” He turned to the camera. “In 2017, when we spent the first summer together, Ilya described this scenario. He would put a thousand candles on the dock at my cottage, and he described how he’d get on one knee there among all those candles and propose to me. So, I got a thousand … one thousand and three hundred, to be exact, electric candles and decked out the whole living room in them.”

Ilya smiled, not turning his gaze away from Shane for even a moment. “I came home from the worst roadie ever after our plane had to make an emergency landing, and Shane was waiting at home for me. My home is in Ottawa. That’s hopefully going to be our home together soon. He waited for me outside, without a coat. In January, in Ottawa!”

“I grew up here, I know how to handle the cold!”

Ilya just shook his head slightly. “And then he pulled me inside. It doesn’t look as perfect now as it did then. Was the most perfect thing I have ever seen. And then he went down on one knee and presented me with a ring.”

With his free hand, Ilya pulled out the chain he always wore around his neck. He presented the well-known cross which he had once said in an interview had belonged to his mother. Beside the cross hung a ring on the chain now.

“I bought it without knowing Ilya’s ring size,” Shane said with a frown. “So, now it’s a little too small.”

“Is perfect, too,” Ilya said. He pressed the cross and the ring against his lips for a moment, then put them back under his shirt. Then he placed his hand on top of them. “Could not wear on finger most of time anyway. Here I can always wear it. During games, too. We will get matching wedding rings that fit in summer, when we can wear them properly.”

“I can’t wait,” Shane said with a grin.

Ilya nodded. “Summer needs to come faster.”

“There’s just over a month left now. But you have to get through the second round of playoffs first.” Shane turned to Ilya with a proud grin for a moment. “I’m sure the rest of your team is very glad about every free day that maybe goes by a little slower than usual. You don’t have a lot of guys with experience in the playoffs.”

“Next year we’ll be ready to go all the way to the cup,” Ilya said. “You and me and the guys together.”

Shane nodded and turned back to the camera. “Okay, getting back on topic. Yes, I asked Ilya to marry me right after the emergency landing. Because facing a reality you never even considered that would be so much worse than anything you have been fearing for years sets some priorities straight.”

“We had big fight before,” Ilya said quietly and pulled Shane’s hand into his lap. “Had made up over phone. Had been talking about … how difficult hiding was, and that we needed to come up with a different plan. Then I come home, and Shane asks me to marry him and tells me he wants us to come out in summer, no matter the consequences. It doesn’t fix everything, but it was still best way to come home after that trip.”

“We threw the old plan out of the window that night,” Shane said.

“First, we celebrated as you celebrate getting engaged to the love of your life.”

Shane visibly tried to hide his grin but gave up eventually. “Yes, but that’s nowhere near PG and won’t be shared here. Or anywhere else! So, we gave up our plan that night. And this is part of our new plan. Sharing with the world some of the most important moments of our relationship after we come out. And getting engaged is definitely one of those.”

“We will take all these candles to the cottage, right?” Ilya asked. “I want to know what the deck looks like with the candles.”

“We’ll take them,” Shane promised.

The video ended with a picture of a lake and a dock stretching out into it. The picture was taken at nightfall, some light still barely visible on the horizon, but the sky was already mostly dark. At the end of the dock, two figures were sitting on the edge with their backs to the camera, and every other space of the dock was decked out with electric candles, all of them glowing.

About Coming Out

Ilya and Shane sat on their patio, Anya lying at their feet. The sunset was reflected in the window behind them. Shane rubbed his hands over his knees, leaning forward slightly, while Ilya sat beside him, looking much more relaxed.

Shane turned his head to look at Ilya. “Did you ever have any concrete plans about coming out before January?”

Ilya shook his head. “No. I dreamed about what it would be like after. But I didn’t think about getting there. Felt … dangerous to think about coming out. Like, touching something forbidden. Jinxing us when we had decided not to come out.”

Shane hung his head and chuckled. “Yeah, very much exactly that. Thinking about coming out felt like tempting fate. It felt like asking to be outed on other people’s terms. Like inviting the worst of all nightmares to happen.”

“You came out mostly on your own terms now,” Ilya said softly. Then he grinned and winked at the camera. “And I’m doing the same. It’s the 8th of June right now. My social media profiles are showing bisexual flag for a week now. Very funny to read how most people think I made stupid mistake while trying to be ally.”

Shane chuckled and scooted back, pressing his whole side against Ilya and taking his hand. “I wish I could’ve come out in June like we had planned. But yes. I at least got to announce it to the world with my own words, even if I was forced to do it earlier than planned. It would have been the exact same video. I … the second video was conditional. When we made it, I had hoped we wouldn’t post it. But…” He shrugged. “You all know how April and May went for me. I had made that video because I feared my farewell from the Voyageurs would not go very smoothly, and I wanted to be able to put my side of the story out there as soon as I could. And that is what I did, in the end.”

“Coming out is hard,” Ilya said quietly, not quite looking at the camera. “Because there are consequences. For some, those consequences are better than for others. But there are always consequences. Because our world is slow to change. And in some places … like back home in Russia, the change is going in a direction where it’s getting worse again. And that happening is a thread here, too.”

“It’s terrifying,” Shane agreed. “And I’m glad I’m paying someone to look at the comments on the internet and in news outlets and filtering out the worst of it, so I don’t have to see it. Or so I can choose if I want to see it. But I have to admit, there is also a lot more support than I had expected. And that is giving me a lot of hope.”

“I can’t wait to see chaos when we announce our wedding,” Ilya said.

Shane rolled his eyes good-naturally and chuckled. “Of course you do. Because you thrive on chaos. You especially want to see the NHL descend into chaos.”

“Some chaos will be good to shake things up!” Ilya insisted. “Maybe shake some things loose, get rid of dust in corners who should have left years ago.”

“Did you just call…” Shane shook his head and pressed his hand over Ilya’s mouth. “Nope, don’t answer that question. We’d have to cut it out of the video. Really, Ilya?”

Ilya mumbled something unintelligible.

Shane shook his head again and left his hand where it was while turning his head back to the camera. “I, for one, would’ve preferred to come out quietly. Or maybe not at all to the general public. What do you all care about who I love, who I spend my life with? I don’t need to know who you love and spend your life with!”

Ilya pulled Shane’s hand from his mouth. “Don’t think that argument works for people like us who have fans and haters.”

Shane frowned. “It really should.”

Ilya shrugged and placed his hand on Shane’s neck. “We come out like this so people get answers to their questions. Because we know you’ll have a ton. So, we share what we’re willing to share before you can ask. You have more questions that weren’t answered, that’s your problem. When we have press conference for Irina Foundation, and you ask about our private life, question will be ignored. And if you don’t stop asking, you will be removed. Same for next season. Ask questions about games, about hockey. Don’t bother asking questions about how Shane and I will celebrate winning Stanley Cup together once rest of team has gone home.”

Shane laughed. “You’re insane, Ilya! You can’t make that kind of claim about a season that hasn’t even started yet! This is rookie year all over again.”

“I did not disappoint rookie year,” Ilya said with raised brows. “I got fifty goals and more. We both got 67 goals because you don’t know how to let me win.”

“You’d divorce me if I let you win anything,” Shane murmured.

“Judge would look at case and approve right away without discussion,” Ilya nodded. “Clearly, marriage is over if you let your spouse win! But now, for hockey we will only ever win together for rest of our career! Except, I will still have more points in the end.”

“In your dreams,” Shane said with a grin.

Eleven months after the video was first posted, an edited version was uploaded. The edited video ended with a photo of Ilya and Shane in the Centaurs’ home jerseys, lifting the Stanley Cup over their heads together, the rest of their team surrounding them. At the bottom, the caption read, “One day you will learn to stop asking. We are still not telling you how we will celebrate in private tonight and for the rest of the summer.”

On the Ice

The video started with Shane and Ilya sitting on two sides of a dining table, the camera set up kitty-corner to them. Shane has turned his whole body to face it, while Ilya has just turned his head, looking at the camera grimly and his brows raised. He has hid arms crossed over his chest, while Shane had braced his arms on the table.

“We are only going to address this once,” Ilya said, words sharp and with a careful clearness to them he didn’t often bother with. “That is already one time too many. Look at our games, and you will see the answer. But I guess people are lazy.”

Shane sighed. “Not helping, Ilya. But he is right about looking at our games. That is proof enough that this whole idea is bullshit. But we know people will still ask.”

Shane leaned forward a little. “We do not throw games for each other. First of all, I’d divorce Ilya if he did.”

Ilya grinned. “Not even married yet and already threatening divorce?”

Shane sent him a look.

Ilya shrugged. “But same, yeah. Would be biggest insult Shane could give me. Instant breakup. And then he would have to do lots of grovelling to get me back. Because divorce is not long-term solution.”

Shane laughed and shifted, and for a moment, he and Ilya looked at each other as if they forgot the camera was rolling. Until Harris from behind the camera loudly cleared his throat.

Shane sighed deeply as he turned back to the camera. He stared directly into it, his face blank. “I’ve been asked this question by some guys even without them knowing that I’ve been hooking up with Ilya for longer than I have known any of them. If I would throw games for other players when I find them hot. Especially every time we did badly against the Admirals, even if we won. Because somehow, Scott Hunter is gay and I’m gay, so of course we have to hook up every time we’re in the same town or something. Despite everyone knowing that Scott is in a very happy relationship.”

“You are, too!” Ilya protested.

Shane rolled his eyes, and for a moment, there was a smile flickering over his face. “Yeah, but no one knew about that when they made those comments.”

“They will soon!” Ilya said smugly.

“They will,” Shane agreed. “Won’t make them change their questions much. Though I expect they’ll be even more crass and rude about it with you.” He looked into the camera again. “Because none of those guys used the word ‘hookup’, but Harris told us we can’t use locker room language for the video.”

“The point is,” Ilya said. “We do not throw games. Never have, never will. Playing against Shane is most fun I can have in NHL.” He grinned smugly and turned forward, lowering his voice and winking at the camera. “Winner gets reward from loser, always, you know? Of course, giving reward is reward in itself. But we do not give up any trophy easily.”

Shane frowned. “We have never made trophies for that.”

“We could start,” Ilya offered gleefully.

“We’d need to get a bigger trophy room,” Shane said with raised brows. “It will already be a tight fit merging our trophy rooms.”

Ilya laughed. “We will convert guest room into second trophy room for you. The one looking out back to the river. Is great view for your trophies.”

Shane laughed. “Yeah, okay. You just don’t want to be reminded every time you go in there that I have more trophies than you.”

Ilya lowered his gaze. “Lies. That’s very mean lie!”

“It’s the truth,” Shane insisted.

Harris cleared his throat behind the camera. “Guys. I think you can have this argument later, off camera.”

“You’re no fun, Harris,” Ilya said.

Shane shrugged. “We’ve said what we wanted to say here. When we’re on the ice, we are rivals first, boyfriends second.”

“Fiancés,” Ilya corrected.

Shane grinned. “Husbands, soon. Anyway. Hockey is important to both of us, and we take it seriously. Especially if we play against each other. If you want to claim otherwise, you’d better look at our games and find concrete proof first.”

The video cut to a scene of a game between Boston and Montreal, with Shane and Ilya battling for the puck. Shane won the scrimmage and scored a goal in the next second. Then the video cut to another clip, this time a game between Montreal and Ottawa, and again a scrimmage between Shane and Ilya. This time it was Ilya who won and scored a moment later. Then the last clip was from an All-Star game and another fight for the puck between Ilya and Shane. This time, it ended with Scott Hutner coming up from behind and stealing the puck from them while Shane and Ilya kept shoving each other.

The Centaurs

Shane and Ilya sat in their kitchen behind the island, mugs in front of them. Both wore Centaurs hoodies. Shane had his hands wrapped tightly around his mug, his wedding band clearly visible on his left hand. Ilya sat to his right with his right hand holding his mug loosely, turned in such a way that his wedding band couldn’t be missed either. His other hand was hidden by the kitchen counter. The way it was angled made it clear that his hand was lying on Shane’s thigh.

“Next season we will officially be on same team!” Ilya said with a delighted grin.

Shane smiled and lowered his gaze for a moment. When he looked back up at the camera, a soft red had crept into his cheeks. “That wasn’t anywhere in our original plans, by the way. We just wanted to have Ilya in Canada with as little travel time between us as we could get.”

“And Voyageurs weren’t option,” Ilya said darkly.

Shane sighed. “Did you ever think about them? I just assumed they’d never take you, for the Boston of it all alone. But also, because of our supposed rivalry.”

Ilya shook his head. “No, I didn’t think about Montreal. Maybe we should’ve known then that neither of us felt comfortable with your team.”

Shane shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. But this isn’t about the Voyageurs. It’s about the Centaurs. I … right at the beginning, I was worried about you giving up so much of your career by moving here.

“I have not given up anything,” Ilya said with a laugh. “We’ve got a team now that everyone else will fear soon enough.”

Shane turned his head to look at him, and for a moment, a sad smile settled on his face. Ilya met his gaze and sighed. He leaned in and kissed Shane’s cheek, then whispered something into his ear, and Shane nodded.

“Yeah, okay,” Shane said. “The Centaurs have a much better roster now than they had when you signed with them. I don’t think anyone in the League expected that. I sure as hell didn’t expect that.”

“Coaches and management listen to star player’s opinions if they’re smart,” Ilya said. “And Centaurs are smart. I told them to get Wyatt. And rest of NHL is now biting their own asses. They all missed his talent just because Toronto wouldn’t let him on the ice most of the time. I saw it.”

Shane frowned and shook his head. “They should’ve watched the tapes of the games where he was allowed on the ice. Doesn’t everyone do that?”

“Not everyone has no life outside of hockey and their very handsome husband,” Ilya said.

Shane glared at him for a moment. “Whatever. We’ve also got Barrett now. It’s like Toronto has just been delivering all those really great presents right to Ottawa. Everyone has already seen how deadly your first line is now between you, Bood, and Barrett. The three of you work really well together.”

“Our first line,” Ilya corrected softly. “And now we have a star second line, too. I still don’t understand how Dillon suddenly can keep up with you and Haas on one line.”

Shane raised his brows. “I think that’s your failing to work with him, not my talent overpowering what you think is wrong with his play.”

“Ridiculous!” Ilya mock shouted. “You have done some witchcraft, so he can now keep up with your speed.” He lowered his gaze. “Or, no. Maybe it’s because I’m faster than you!”

Shane grinned. “You lost the speed competition at All-Star Weekend!”

“That was fluke,” Ilya said, chin raised. “Bad luck. Something was on the ice, and my skate got stuck on it. Result was false!”

“We can have a repeat of it tomorrow at the start of training,” Shane suggested with a sly smile. “I’m sure it will be a great lesson for everyone. We can have Harris film it as a promotion for the Centaurs’ socials.”

Ilya huffed, and at the bottom of the screen appeared a short text: Link to Centaurs’ speed competition in the description. Spoiler: The ‘fluke’ from February was repeated. 😉

“You will lose,” Ilya said. “I will make it up to you when we come home.”

“We’ll see,” Shane said, amused. “We’ve got a good team, now. Good defence, too. And we saw the rookies last week, I think they’re promising.” The smile dropped off his face, and he moved his right hand down from the counter, probably to cover Ilya’s hand on his thigh. “I was jealous of your team, you know?”

Ilya frowned. “What?”

“I don’t even remember when it happened,” Shane said. “At first, I was worried about your move to Ottawa. I thought maybe you’d eventually regret giving up Boston for me. But then, at one point, when you were getting along so great with your team here, I grew really jealous.”

For a moment, pure fury flickered over Ilya’s face. “I really don’t like your old team. And somehow every week I learn something new to hate them for.”

“They’re not all bad!” Shane protested.

Ilya tilted his head to the side. “Pike is okay. Boiziau is … maybe okay. But that’s two out of twenty. That’s not good ratio. Is good that you’re here now. The guys are all excited to have you on the team, too!”

“They’re excited to have a real chance for the cup now,” Shane said, laughing.

Ilya lowered his gaze at him. “We had that without you! Only thing missing this year was experience.”

“Maybe,” Shane grinned.

“You’re going to leave League in ten years, leaving behind the legacy you dreamed of,” Ilya said. “Maybe not with team that drafted you. But we’ll build legacy together. That’s better than building legacy for ungrateful team, yes?”

Shane chuckled. “Yes. Building a legacy together is better, even if you left a good team behind in Boston, right?”

Ilya nodded. “Yes. And I miss some guys from Boston. Marly won’t ever leave Boston voluntarily. Otherwise, I’d have snagged him up for us already. He deserves another cup, but he won’t get it stuck in Boston.”

“You’re rage-baiting the whole league with these claims, you know that, right?” Shane said, but his laughter drowned out any reprimand if he had meant it as such.

“Not claims, promises,” Ilya said smugly. “NHL let us get on same team. They practically told us to build dynasty. We’ll just deliver what they asked.”

The video ended with a group photo of the Centaurs from the start of training camp in September 2021. The next June, another team picture was added, with the team surrounding the Stanley Cup. Over the following decade, until the Hollander-Rozanov era ended, the video would be updated and five more of those pictures added.

The Bears

Ilya sat on the patio alone. He wore a Boston Bears t-shirt, worn and clearly well-loved. He had pulled his right leg up on the seat, his foot pressing tightly against his left thigh and his knee resting on the seat.

“In my heart, I’ll always be a little bit a Bear,” Ilya said with a wistful smile. “Not when we face off on the ice, of course. But when the Bears play against anyone else? I’ll always cheer for them.”

Ilya nodded. “They were good to me. Not just my teammates, but everyone. Coaching team. Support staff. Management. Leaving wasn’t easy. If Boston were in Canada, Shane and I would’ve made it work with things as they were. But I had to choose between Canadian passport and American passport. That choice wasn’t very hard.” He shrugged. “Especially not in 2017 and 2018.”

Ilya stared at the camera with a worried frown for a moment, then he shook his head. “I don’t have to explain that choice. Is probably very obvious anyway, even without Shane in the mix.”

He sighed and lowered his gaze for a moment. When he looked up again, the easy smile was back on his face. “I hope my experience with the Bears was not unique. I would hate to find out others weren’t met with as much respect and support as I got from them. I am glad Bears did not build team that was … dependent on me. I think that was mistake of Montreal with Shane. It caused resentment in some of his teammates because they were there to support Shane, not to stand on their own.

“Boston built team around me, but they were there to support me. And they could always stand without me. When my father died, I missed a whole week of games when we fought for playoffs. The team got there without me. Same year, Shane got injured shortly before playoffs. Voyageurs failed to reach playoffs because Shane was missing. That’s another thing I’m grateful for with this team.”

“I learned a lot from most of the guys I played with in my years there,” Ilya said. “Cliff Marlow is my best friend and will remain so. Even though he won’t come and help with Shane and my hockey camps. He claims he is no good with children. I say he just needs some practice. Maybe one day I can convince him.”

“There are a lot of others,” Ilya said with a smile. “Too many to name, really. Some were only there for very short time, but I stayed in contact with them. Became friends with them, though we don’t hear as much from each other as would be good, maybe. One of them is Ryan Price. He has become a very good friend since I convinced him to coach at our camps. I think that gave him joy back in hockey. Because he lost it. Maybe even before he won the Cup with Boston. I often wished the Bears would’ve kept him.”

“I miss nightlife in Boston, too,” Ilya said with a grin. “There isn’t much of that here in Ottawa. Nothing like Boston, at least. Maybe I can convince Shane to explore with me a little now that we won’t have to hide anymore. He doesn’t much like clubs, though.”

Ilya grinned widely. “Boston was great town to spend most of my twenties. Just like Moscow, Boston will always be a little bit home. Difference with Boston is, I’ll be able to visit. Shane and I have planned visit next summer. So I can show him my favourite places there. It will be our first real vacation. I’m very excited about it!”

“Maybe fans in Boston understand now why I left,” Ilya said, his smile growing rueful. “Maybe some won’t be so angry anymore. Or maybe they will be angrier now because it was half for Shane. But other half was for my own future. One that I couldn’t build in Boston with all the things I want. And I decided to be selfish and want everything. The man I love, safety from my home country that would prosecute me for the person I love, and hockey.”

The video ended with a collage of four pictures. One showed the Boston Bears at the beginning of the 2010/11 season, with Ilya at the side with all the other rookies. The second one showed the team from the 2013/14 season right at the start of the season, while the third one showed them at the end of that season with the Stanley Cup, Ilya front and center in both of them. The last picture was from the 2017/18 season, right at the end of it.

The Voyageurs

Shane sat in the living room with a Voyageurs hoodie in his lap. He trailed his fingers over it and shook his head.

“I can’t wear it, sorry.” He fisted his hands in the fabric and exhaled slowly. “Maybe I can again in a couple of years. But not now. I wish I could … have left on better terms. That’s what I wanted, you know?”

Shane looked up, right into the camera, without hiding his tears. “I didn’t want to cause a scene when I left the Voyageurs. But they decided otherwise. I would’ve been happy to leave quietly and announce that I was exploring free agency on July 1st. The fans would’ve wondered, of course. But there would not have been this scandal.”

Shane wet his lip and then pulled his lips between his teeth for a moment. “You all know what happened. The announcement about the changes to the Voyageurs came a couple of days ago. Theriault and half the coaching team have been fired. Blacklisted with the whole League, or so I’ve heard. Gilbert Comeau and Patrice Drapeau are gone, too. Their NHL contracts have been severed.

“I didn’t do that. They did that to themselves. If they hadn’t severed my contract half an hour after my last game for them, incurring an insane penalty fee for it considering I had no obligations left, and they could’ve just waited ten more weeks for the contract to end. If they hadn’t announced my departure from the team like they did. If they hadn’t tried to claim that I had attacked Theriault. By the way, I have no idea who leaked the security video that proved he was lying. Though I can’t say I’m not grateful for that person, and I hope they won’t get caught.”

Shane shrugged. “I think I knew the whole year that I wouldn’t stay with the Voyageurs once my contract with them ended. I didn’t admit it to myself, let alone anyone else, for the longest time. But then … the day before I flew out for All-Star Weekend, JJ and Hayden staged an intervention. I first thought it was about Ilya, honestly. Because I had just told JJ about him. But it was about the team, and then I just blurted it out before they could even tell me what the intervention was about exactly.””

Shane lowered his gaze and inhaled slowly. He held his breath and then exhaled just as slowly. “I just blurted out to them that I wouldn’t stay with the Voyageurs. Which was insane, because retiring a Voyageur had been my dream since Draft Day. And all my friends had to say when they heard was to express their relief. They thought…” Shane paused. “I guess I can say this now. The investigation is done. The consequences have been dealt with. JJ thought Theriault was aiming to get me injured out of my career. It wasn’t something I had noticed consciously, but once he said it, the pattern during games and even during training became pretty clear.”

Shane raised his head to look at the camera again. “I haven’t followed all the discussion about … all of it. Not in the news, especially not online. But I get summaries. From my social media manager. And from my mother. So, I know the kind of discussions you’ve all been engaged in. The speculation about the season after the All-Star Game.

“You’re right, my game changed at that time,” Shane said. “Not because I gave up on my team. Though maybe I did a little bit. I just … stopped taking risks for their sake when I never got it repaid. My defence hadn’t been there to protect me, so I started protecting myself. I’m too young to suffer a career-ending injury because my team wouldn’t support me on the ice as I deserved. And I know there have been some people who’ve pointed that out about the gameplay of the Voyageurs for the whole season.”

Shane swallowed visibly. “I’m sorry how things ended with the team. For the team. It’s practically in shambles. Star center gone, goalie gone, one of their defensemen gone. Most of the coaching staff is gone. Next season will be really tough. I can’t even imagine where the team morale is now. And I’m mostly sorry for JJ and Hayden about that. They’re left with a team in ruins. I hope they’ll be able to rebuild. That maybe management will take a long and hard look at what has happened and make adjustments.”

Shane cleared his throat. “The thing is … the longer I think about this, the more I believe I should’ve known it would all explode eventually. I remember the day the Voyageurs drafted me. And I won’t drop names here, but there was a lot of management there. The owners were there. Because Ilya and I had already been lauded as the next big stars, and thankfully, neither of us disappointed. So, after the draft, there are a couple of events where you can mingle with everyone. Very annoying, if you ask me.

“I was overjoyed the Voyageurs had chosen me; I had wanted them to choose me, after all. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t very disappointed about being second pick. And I know, I know. Being first pick would’ve meant Boston. But that really didn’t matter at that moment. I would’ve just preferred a moment to myself to lick my wounds. Not having to have small talk with all those people who believe themselves to be so very, very important.”

Shane sucked in a breath through his teeth. “So, there I was, having a glass of champagne because no one cared to remember I was only eighteen and we were in the US instead of Canada. And the first person from the Voyageurs who came to talk to my parents and me, to tell us how happy the team was to have me, he said something that’s … I mean, come on. When I was drafted, there were 7 active Asian players in the NHL. It’s not much more now, either. So, my parents and I enjoyed some champagne to celebrate that I had been chosen as the second draft pick. And this man—old, white, clearly thinking he is very important—tells us how thrilled they are that I’m Asian. Oh, pardon him, Asian-Canadian.”

For a moment, Shane let that sit and stared into the camera. “Nothing that wasn’t expected, of course. There is a lot worse I’ve dealt with, both in junior leagues and here. I think I hadn’t even lost all my baby teeth yet when I had already learned to swallow any comment down and smile through that kind of remark. But! I should’ve known what kind of team had chosen me with that being the first thing I heard from them after the draft.

“But I let them lull me in. Because, of course, there are not only just bad people in any organization. And I felt that if I just proved that they hadn’t picked wrong, maybe I could change their minds. That was stupid, of course. And I knew that. But…” Shane sighed deeply and shrugged. “My goal was to play hockey, and I learned early on to ignore a lot of things so I could reach that goal. And I reached it. Even if the team that chose me in the beginning turned out to be a big disappointment.”

“So, no. I am not sad to leave Montreal, even though just a year ago I was still convinced I’d eventually retire as a Montreal Voyageur,” Shane said. “And I am also not sorry for the fallout the team is dealing with now. I have nothing to be sorry for there.”

Shane folded the hoodie in his lap and then placed it carefully on the ground beside the couch. “I’d like to thank some of the fans, though. Montreal is a hockey town. And I’m pretty sure everyone who doesn’t root for the Voyageurs is banned from the city limits, at least to live or work there. You move to Montreal, you better be a Voyageurs fan or very quiet about not being one. You are born in Montreal, you grow up in red and blue jerseys.

“But Montreal is also a town with a queer history and a big queer community. And that community has stood up for me ever since April in an amazing way. I have seen your posts. I have seen your protests. I have read some of your fan mail. It’s really a lot, so I’m sorry I can’t look at every single thing. But I have someone who sorts through it very carefully and prepares these nice little packages for me to look at whenever I have half an hour to spare. I know that the changes the team is undergoing now are in no small part thanks to the fans who have spoken out in support of me.

“Your support means a lot. And that part leaves me a little sad that I’m leaving Montreal behind. Though maybe not completely. I’ll return regularly to visit JJ and Hayden and his family, of course. And Ilya wants to explore the queer nightlife in Montreal. That’s not really my thing, but maybe I’ll come with him sometimes. So, while the Voyageurs definitely have seen the last of me, except for any game in the future where my new team will remind them how stupid they were, Montreal as a city hasn’t.”

Just Who We Are

“I want the record to state that Ilya chose these shirts!” Shane said with a dark look at his husband. He and Ilya sat on the patio couch with Anya lying by their feet. Ilya wore a white t-shirt with text that read “I’m not gay. But my husband is.” Most of the letters were in rainbow colours, only the “gay” came in the colours of the gay flag. Shane, beside him, wore a black t-shirt with the text “I’m not bisexual. But my husband is.” Again, all the letters were in rainbow colours, only the letters of “bisexual” were printed in the colours of the bi flag.

Ilya grinned brightly. “They’re custom-made! And they’re perfect.”

“I’m not wearing this when we go out on dates,” Shane said, still glaring at Ilya. “And neither are you.”

“You’re no fun!” Ilya complained with an exaggerated pout.

Shane raised his brows. “That’s not what you said this morning.”

Ilya winked at him. “Let’s make our last video. Then we can go back to you reminding me how much fun you are.”

“Yes, let’s free Harris from the torture of having to help us with these.”

Harris laughed from behind the camera. “I volunteered! You came to me for recommendations of someone who could help you, and I grabbed onto the project before someone else could! I’ve enjoyed helping you very much.”

“Thank you, Harris, really. That’s Harris Drover behind the camera and behind all the editing for the videos, by the way,” Shane said. “For his day job, he is the social media manager of the Centaurs. But he has also been a good friend to Ilya for years, and has become a friend of mine over these past six months or so.”

Ilya nodded. “Videos would not be half as great as they are without you, Harris!”

Harris laughed again, but it sounded a little less secure now.

“This is our last video,” Ilya said. “We did most of them before wedding. We have added some after because some of you had interesting and intelligent questions. But this will be all we share about our journey. The rest is for us. We have already shared more than any of you would feel comfortable sharing about your relationship, so quit bothering us with questions.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you have any fans at all,” Shane murmured.

Ilya winked at the camera. “You will tell him, right? You’ve been very creative in making hashtags over the summer!”

Shane groaned. “Oh great. Harris, can we cut that out?”

“Nope!” Ilya protested. “Not gonna happen. Stays in. I want to see hashtags! So, yes, this is last video. Mostly to say thank you. We did not know what to expect. But we feared for worst. And in some things, like with Shane and his old team, that happened.”

“But with other things, everything was much better than we had feared,” Shane said. “There has been a lot of support. First just for me, and then after the wedding for both of us. We know we have to deal with the League, and there might be some terrible things to deal with there. But we have a new commissioner, and I’m kind of glad Crowell being ousted had nothing to do with Ilya and me coming out.”

“We hope new Commissioner will be less … old school,” Ilya said. “We’ll see. But the Centaurs have our back. And our fans have our backs. We saw that. And we appreciate it. We chose to be loud so that we had a chance to tell our own story. So no one else would try to come up with lies about our story. That is the reason for these videos.”

Shane nodded slowly. “And we have done that. We’ve put our story out there. There are people who don’t believe us, of course. And there is really nothing we can do to change their minds. They’ve heard in our own words how we came to be here. If they can’t accept that, that’s their problem.”

“We are free to be who we are now,” Ilya said. “We don’t need to hide from the League or from Russia or from anyone else. And there are bad things about that. But we concentrate on good things. Like doing things we didn’t allow ourselves before. When we sat down and made plan, we talked to queer friends. Because … I feel I don’t know how to be queer.”

“Yeah.” Shane cleared his throat and grabbed Ilya’s hand. “Over the past months, I have read a lot of things. I … didn’t think about queer history before, or about queer culture. I … just tried not to be obvious about being gay. And I know that not fitting the stereotype about gay men that most hockey players have helped me a lot to stay hidden. I really don’t care about what clothes I wear, other than that they’re comfortable and familiar. The guys in the locker room, they expect gay men to dress flashy, to show skin, to wear glitter, to spend hours styling their hair, to use makeup or paint their nails, to like … feminine things, to hate workouts. They didn’t look at me and wonder because they didn’t see any of that in me, despite my not having a girlfriend. They won’t see that with me in the future either.”

Ilya grinned, full of excitement. “They might see it with me. Sometimes they already did. But they thought it was because I’m European, at least those from Canada and the US. The other Europeans not so much. But just for the record, we Europeans make a lot of fun of the things you all think are European.”

“They have very strong opinions,” Shane said quietly and conspiratorially. “Haasy and Ilya can talk for hours about this. It’s just best to leave the room if they start!”

Ilya frowned. “You never leave the room.”

“I’m special,” Shane said, and wasn’t very successful in hiding his blush.

Ilya raised his brows, but then he shook his head and turned to the camera. “I’m excited to jump headfirst into queer community now! Our team went to the Pride Parade this summer in Ottawa. It was great. And very welcoming. Next year I can go and wear my flag. This year I didn’t dare yet. But I made Shane wear his!”

“They know,” Shane said with an eyeroll. “There were pictures and short clips all over the Centaurs’ Instagram.”

“Was great day!” Ilya exclaimed.

“It was,” Shane agreed with a soft smile. “And we have surprisingly a lot of queer friends to teach us about the queer community. Harris, of course. Scott Hunter’s husband, Kip. Ryan Price’s boyfriend, Fabian. We’ve talked with them. I think that helped a lot, so we won’t stand out quite as much. We didn’t dare to go to queer places before when we didn’t have a valid excuse. Because we couldn’t risk being outed.”

Shane blew out a breath. “And don’t start any arguments that we’d have been safe in queer places. That’s an illusion. I’ve seen some of the comments from people who claim to be queer and who parrot the same things any homophobe does about how we lied and how we betrayed them, and that we should’ve never kept our sexuality a secret. There would’ve been some asshole around to take a picture and out us before we were ready and against our will if we had shown up in a queer space.”

“We are looking forward to doing all the things we couldn’t in the past now that we don’t have to hide anymore,” Ilya said. “But most of all, we are looking forward to just continuing our lives as they were. And the focus of that is playing hockey. There are cups and awards waiting to be won by us. And when we don’t play hockey, there is our Foundation. That really takes up all the rest of our time and is very important to us.”

Shane nodded. “We didn’t make these videos to become some kind of icons or role models. All we want is to continue our life as it was, just with less secrecy and pain. And that’s what we’ll focus on. These videos, they are here so we can do that. So we won’t have to field the same questions over and over again. We have shared what we want to share, and the rest just isn’t any concern of yours.”

The video ended with a picture of the Centaurs, most of them with their partners, all decked out in Pride merchandise. Shane was wearing a gay flag like a cape, and Troy had a gay flag painted on each of his cheeks. A little in the background was Brandon Wiebe, wearing a hat in the colours of the bi flag. Harris was there wearing an assortment of pride badges and different flags, but the most prominent was the gay flag he had wrapped around his shoulders. He stood right beside Troy, holding his boyfriend’s hand and waving at the camera. Everyone else from the team was wearing pride flags in some fashion. For everyone who looked very closely at Ilya’s left arm, which he had thrown over Shane’s shoulder for the photo, they could see him wearing an inconspicuous bracelet on his wrist in the colours of the bi flag.

 

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