Reading Time: 84 Minutes

Title: Time of the Season
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1, SWAT, Code Black
Genre: Contemporary, Crossover, Drama, First Time, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Lou Ransone
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Violence-Graphic. Canon-level violence, Canon-level circumstances, Canon-level angst. Mild character bashing. Explicit Sex. A smidge of kink towards the end.
Author Note: See note tabs on main page for expansion of season 8 canon info, and also full playlist.
Beta: Ladyholder
Word Count: 98,000
Summary: Evan’s trying to get his best friend moving to Texas off his mind. Lou is trying to distract himself from a case that he shouldn’t be working on, even as a case from his past haunts him. They run into each other and spend an evening in easy conversation. That should be the end of it, but talking for them is easy, and when life gets increasingly complex and sometimes disastrous, they turn to one another. In their own way, they each need to let go of the past in order to move forward, and sometimes that’s easier with someone who understands you.
Artist: didbuckygetaplum

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Chapter Nine

Athena helped him keep the visitors minimal for his last morning at the hospital, which wasn’t too difficult since A-shift was on duty. Chim was apparently taking a few days off, so Bobby had a couple of floaters, which was no doubt adding to the A-shift chaos.

Even though they’d had Eddie’s going away dinner already, today was actually Eddie’s last shift at the 118, and it sort of sucked that Buck wasn’t there for it. Their last shift together on Monday, before their four-day-off stretch, had been a little strained. Eddie was the best time Buck had ever had on the job, so not being there today was emotionally difficult.

He settled his feelings by pestering Ravi into agreeing to drop whatever random factoid Buck would send him on Eddie throughout the day. Ravi agreed happily.

After the first few messages to Ravi, he got home to Carla’s place, where he promptly fell asleep from the stress and pain of the whole thing. He woke for food and pain pills, but the day was nearly gone before he woke up somewhat clearheaded late in the evening. He sent a few more factoids to Ravi, then ventured out to talk to his hosts.

“Greetings, Mr. Bedhead! Look at those curls. You should let them free more often.” Carla teased, getting up to give him a hug. “Feeling better?”

“Yes. Not sure why coming home from the hospital is more exhausting than being in the hospital, but it sure is.”

“Having to start doing for yourself is much harder than people think. Now, sit down. Bobby sent a bunch of soup over for you. It’ll be good for you.”

“I can get it.”

“Hush. You came to stay with me so I can fuss over you for a few days.”

“Okay.” He sank down carefully on the sofa. “Hey, Howard. How’s life?”

“Better for me than you, kiddo.” He was slow sipping some Scotch, and he and Carla had been playing backgammon. “Thought about visiting you in the hospital, but when Carla said you’d be coming here, I figured that’d be soon enough to clap eyes on you myself. You didn’t need anyone else watching you sleep.”

Buck chuckled, pressing his hand to his side. “True. She still kicking your ass at backgammon?”

“I’ll never beat that woman. I figure alcohol won’t go down well with your pills.” He went to the wet bar and grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator. “Carla says you like tea, we have an assortment. Not too much caffeine in this one, so should be okay.”

It was a white peach. “This looks great. Thanks.”

“Carla says she finally heard from Christopher. You?”

“Yeah. He wrote this morning. Rambling email. Made a little less sense than I’m used to from him, but I gather he hasn’t been checking any of his messaging platforms lately other than what he’s absolutely required to in order to keep in contact with his dad, so he missed everything about me being hurt until he got on FaceTime with Eds last night. I think he’s feeling guilty, but he was jumping between blame that no one called him directly and apologetic that he hasn’t been calling.” Buck waved it away. “I think Carla has the best handle on what’s going on with Chris, so I’ll just keep trying to be supportive and give him space to work it out. Also, I’m taking the injured party privilege and letting his father and Carla handle him.”

“Mm. Using an email to apologize for not calling is a little odd. He could just actually call.”

“Yeah. He’s avoiding direct communication with me for some reason. I’ll let it go a little longer, and then I’ll get in his face about it.”

“Why haven’t you already?”

“He’s not my kid, as much as that pains me to say. Eddie wants to let this situation in Texas ride to its natural conclusion, whatever the fuck that means. I think its natural conclusion is like a Road Runner sketch where the Coyote runs off a cliff. Other than with you guys, I’m keeping that thought to myself. Well, I did finally tell Eddie I thought his decisions about the whole mess were flat out wrong, but he’s Christopher’s father, and they’re his choices to make.” Buck shrugged.

Howard tipped his chin up. “How are you really feeling about everything?”

“Struggling. I’m trying to let other people’s problems be their problems and only get involved if they invite me to. It’s harder with Chris to figure out where those boundaries should be because… Well.”

“I hear you. It’s hard. Come on. Take over Carla’s game.”

“You just want to beat me.”

“Of course I do. I need to gain back some pride over here. We’ve got some low-key entertainment in the next few days. Trivia practice and the like. Losing at backgammon will be character-building for you since I don’t expect you lose at trivia much.”

Buck laughed and levered himself off the sofa. “Depends on how unlucky I get with the TV and movie questions.”

~*~

He stared moodily at his text messages when he should be trying to sleep again. It was just before ten, so not too late, but late enough that most people wouldn’t be diving into long text convos.

After losing at backgammon to Howard and Carla both multiple times, he’d gone back to bed with a dressing change, meds, and lots of water. He’d then sent several enjoyable texts to Lou and then made himself read all the other texts.

There were several he’d received while he was still in the hospital that he hadn’t opened because he spent a lot of his time in the hospital sleeping. Messages from Maddie, Chim, and Hen. As well as several people from the station. His casual friends from the station were easy, and he made a mental note to reply to everyone in the morning. Jones was usually good for a variety of borderline inappropriate memes.

He’d stayed current on his messages from Eddie, which were mostly cat memes. In another life, he was pretty sure Eddie was one of those cats who sat on tables and knocked shit off. Probably one of those fussy-looking breeds that were pure white and snotty, like a Turkish Angora, because they had the best “fuck you” face when knocking your planters to the floor while staring you dead in the eye.

Eddie had also sent varying degrees of humor and hostility about the factoids. He apparently had a real hate-on for angler fish. Who knew? Ravi was more amused than was “seemly” according to Eddie.

Eddie had also sent some rambling confusion about Christopher’s emo ranting about Buck being injured. Eddie seemed lost about how to handle the situation. Buck referred him to Carla because he had no clue what to do with any of it either, and it really wasn’t his problem. He’d been holding up his end of the unvoiced “back off” bargain.

Bobby had only texted once since Buck left the hospital with an offer for any food he needed or rides if Bobby wasn’t working.

Athena was much the same, but her text included her shift schedule for the next week since he wouldn’t have it memorized. She also offered sanctuary at their place if he ever needed to get away.

With some reluctance, he read Hen’s messages. There were only a few. The words themselves were all fine, but something about the tone was disapproving and passive-aggressive. Her expressed hopes that he would do his best to support Maddie as he progressed through his recovery set his teeth on edge.

Chim was openly obnoxious. He expressed anger and disappointment. Outright calling Buck selfish and childish.

He saved Maddie for last. She was all over the place. At first upset, then apologetic, then upset again. Then she said she’d had a talk with the FBI and understood more about the case. She was still upset with Buck, but she had the information she needed about the case, so they could put off talking about it until he was ready to explain himself.

Deciding he wasn’t dealing with anyone’s shit anymore, he took screenshots of all Chim’s obnoxious texts and sent them to Bobby.

Buck: I blocked him so I don’t have to worry about reading anymore of his BS. I’ve internalized and dealt with his tantrums when Maddie is unhappy in the past on my own but I’m not doing it this time. We’ll have to figure something out because I’m DONE. Sorry to dump this on you but I’m too tired too stressed and too drugged to deal with this bullshit. I know this is off-duty stuff but not sure how to come back to the job if Chim is going to keep being an abusive dick every time Maddie is in a snit about something.

Buck: More importantly… Thanks for leaving the soup for me. Had it for dinner. Not sure I could have handled anything else tonight. Appreciate it Bobby. Talk to you tomorrow.

Bobby: Never have to thank me for feeding you. I’ll make you more soup. It’s winter’s salad (even if it is almost spring). Also, I’ll take care of Chim. Put it out of your mind for now. Something we can talk about when you’re closer to returning to full duty. Sleep well, kid.

Buck: Thanks. You too. Be safe out there.

Bobby: Always. Doubly so for you!

Then he texted Maddie.

Buck: I’m glad to hear you got the information you needed from the FBI. I don’t think it’s a good idea if we talk for a while. Take care of yourself.

It was barely a minute before Maddie texted back.

Maddie: Wait! We need to talk about this. You can’t just cut contact with me.

Buck: I actually can say I need a break. And I can definitely say who I have contact with. You don’t get to set all the rules.

He’d barely hit send before his phone started ringing.

Frustrated, he set his tablet to recording and answered.

“Maddie,” he answered. “I’m recording this because I’m on pain pills and I don’t want to wake up wondering if I dreamt it.”

“What are you even doing, Evan?”

“If you ever call me Evan in that tone again, I will not see you again for a fucking year, and I damn well mean it.”

There was a long pause, and then she sniffled. “I’m sorry, Buck. I just don’t understand.”

“And it’s really sad that despite the fact that I know Athena explained it to you that you can’t see anything but your point of view. I need a break until I’m completely healed. I just don’t want to talk.”

“I really don’t understand.”

“It was a real kick in the gut that you didn’t even ask how I was before you started demanding things from me, Maddie, and then you ignored and belittled every single time I said I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened.”

“I just needed to know—”

“It’s unbelievable to me that people see you as selfless. You are shockingly, appallingly selfish whenever anything affects you negatively, and you’re wretched about respecting any boundaries you personally think are unnecessary. Or maybe it’s just my boundaries you think are unnecessary. It’s like you think I’m not allowed to say no to you.”

“You’re my brother.”

“Which means what?”

“We love each other unconditionally.”

“You say no to me all the time.”

“Well, I—” she cut herself off.

“Right. Even you can’t explain the hypocrisy. Talk to your therapist, if you’re still seeing one, about this, because I’m over it. I’m not going to deal with your selfish demands and refusal to acknowledge my needs or even respect it when I say no while I’m trying to sort myself out over this situation. The best part of this for me is that you’re okay. I really have nothing else to say right now.”

“Buck, wait. Please. Let’s talk about this.”

Chim’s voice was a mumble in the background, and then Maddie stridently said, “Shut up, Howie! This is between me and my brother.”

“Maddie,” Buck said on a tired sigh, “we both need to go to our own corners and get some therapy. It’s fine that you were putting yourself, Jee, and proto-Han first, okay? You’d been through a lot, there were medical considerations, and I get that. But you can’t also expect me to always put you first. It’s not a competition, but you just waltzed into my hospital room hours after I’d had major surgery from something that could have killed me and demanded that I prioritize you with no thought for what epic bullshit that was. And when I told you to stop, you refused, and you still don’t see why it was a problem.

“It’s actually the latter that’s making me think we need a little time apart. I need to heal and take care of myself without you stomping my boundaries into dust. I don’t know what you need, and I’m not going to tell you, but we aren’t going to have much of a relationship going forward if you keep thinking you can waltz into the middle of my crisis, demand I set my own feelings and issues aside, and focus solely on you.”

She took a breath like she was going to interrupt.

Buck continued, “When it was appropriate, I have never failed to jump in with both feet and do everything I could for you, even if it meant dealing with verbal abuse and a bad attitude from your husband. But this is not that situation. That’s all I have to say right now. I’m going to bed.”

“You can’t just lay all that down and not give me a chance to respond.”

He hesitated for a moment. “I’m listening.”

“You threw a lot at me, but I don’t feel like you are even trying to understand how difficult that attack was on me.”

Buck sighed and closed his eyes. “If you need me for something related to Jee, please talk to Athena. I’m temporarily blocking your number. This is ridiculous. Goodbye, Maddie.” He hung up.

He actually felt lighter for blocking Maddie, even if it would likely only be for a few weeks. It wasn’t that he was pleased he wouldn’t be seeing his sister, because that actually made him a little sad, but it was him enforcing a boundary, even though it was difficult, that made him feel like he was making the right step. If Maddie was going to stomp all over the situation like it only happened to her, she could just wait until Buck was fully healed and back to his normal routine before they had contact again.

He decided he needed to warn Athena.

Buck: Maddie can’t seem to deal with me enforcing ANY boundaries with her so I cut contact for a while. I told her to go to you if she needs anything from me related to Jee. Hope that’s okay.

Athena: It’s fine. You all right?

Buck: It sucks. No matter what I say she only sees her side of things. I figure if she’s going to be only about her we can not be in contact until I’m completely healed and back to normal.

Athena: Honestly? Completely reasonable. Tried talking to her. To be brutally frank, it was like talking to a wall. Talked to Hen too. Between me and Karen, I think Hen gets it. She’s trying to support Chim more than thinking with her own brain. She wants to apologize in person.

Buck: Can I ask you to read something a little…horrible?

Athena: What are we talking about here?

Buck: At the hospital this morning I kept thinking about what Maddie wanted so I thought I’d give it to her. I wrote up my experience. Not from a clinical first-responder perspective but from an emotional one. I was frustrated and angry at the time. When I calmed down I felt like sending it to her would be an act of spite. But I’m not sure.

Athena: I’ve read the prelim report and seen the crime scene. She’s done neither. Send it to me. I’ll let you know.

Buck: Sending now. Thanks Thena.

Athena: Welcome, baby.

He fired off the email after copying the text over from his notes app. Then he texted Lou.

Buck: I’m having a rough evening. Entertain me.

Lou: Is that all I am? Entertainment?

Buck: The best entertainment I’ve ever had.

Buck: Tell me this endearment you like. I can’t get it out of my head since you teased me with it.

Lou: Ah. I wondered when you’d crack on that.

Buck: Ass!

Lou: LOL. It was from one of the songs in the perfect vocals list.

Buck: Gah! We came up with like ten songs we think have perfect vocal performances. I have to think through all the lyrics and come up with one that has an endearment? You’re the worst.

Lou: Or the best. You’re distracted, right?

Buck: Bah.

Lou: LOL Okay, added trivia. The song was nominated for an Academy Award despite not actually charting that great, then it was re-recorded about a decade later, the melody altered, and that is considered the definitive performance.

Buck: OH! Unchained Melody

Lou: It’s really annoying how good at music trivia you are.

Buck: You didn’t make it that hard.

He thought through the lyrics.

Buck: You said it wasn’t any of the ones you’d already listed off to me…?

Lou: Right.

Buck: You prefer to be called my love?

Lou: It’s early for us, but someday I hope we get there. Addressed towards me, I prefer sincere endearments. I think that’s why I’ve always preferred “my love.” You have to work for it. It’s easy to call anyone at a random coffee shop “hon.”

Buck: At the risk of being intrusive has anyone called you that?

Lou: One person who I thought meant it. One person said it flippantly once, and they didn’t know my preference for the endearment. It was just a joking phrase. I asked them not to say it unless they meant it.

Buck: Do you mean it when you call me sweetheart?

Lou: With everything in me. Dear heart would also fit.

Buck: You’re killing me here. Why are you across town right now?

Lou: Because it’s better for your recovery to sleep alone?

Buck: Lies. I’m going to put on Unchained Melody and listen to it as I go to sleep.

Lou: Give me something with sweetheart in it, then, so I can do the same… You’re quick with music titles given abstract requests.

Buck: The first thing that comes to mind is Sweetheart Like You by Bob Dylan, but it’s about darker themes… So…

Buck: Sweetheart by Thomas Rhett. Blame Eddie! His taste in country is not my fault! I’m guilty by exposure.

Lou: That makes no sense, but I’ll go with Eddie’s poor musical taste then. You going to sleep?

Buck: Going to try.

Lou: All right. Goodnight, sweetheart.

Buck: <3

He’d gotten a response from Athena about two-thirds of his way through his text with Lou, but he’d decided to wait to read it. He got everything set up for bed.

Athena: It’s extremely uncomfortable to read, and that’s coming from an experienced LEO who already knew what happened. And I can see why it might seem petty or spiteful to send it to her, because it’s giving her exactly what she asked for but not at all what she wants. But I do think she needs to read it since she’s being stubborn about the whole thing and persisting in asking. That said, I think it needs to be handled with supervision. With your permission, I’ll allow her to read it in my presence that way I’m there to handle any fallout.

Buck: Sorry for the delay. Was saying goodnight to my hot boyfriend.

Athena: I see where I rate.

Buck: You rate pretty high but I was chasing the answer to questions! I had questions and he had answers. I was performing an interrogation.

Buck: But to stay on topic… Yes, please show it at your discretion. Please don’t let Bobby read it.

Athena: No. There’s no reason to break my husband’s heart. Love you, kiddo. Get some sleep.

Buck: Love you too. Sleep well Thena.

~*~

“How’s it feel?” Carla asked as they walked at a very leisurely pace towards the park near Carla’s house. Unlike their typical walking posture, where she had her arm threaded through his, now he was using her as a bit of support.

“Good. It feels nice to move a little more freely.”

“So, the pain medication reduction has gone okay?”

“Yep. The other nerve medications help. And even the muscle relaxers help in ways I didn’t expect. I didn’t even need to take any narcotics last night.” He’d been at Carla’s for a couple of days. Quiet days. He was pretty sure Athena and Carla had teamed up on everyone to get them to give him some uninterrupted healing and rest time.

The only person he heard from on the regular was Lou, and that was mostly in the evenings when they continued their conversations about life, which often included how that connected to their experience of music.

Eddie texted once a day and had said that all the time and conversations with Tommy while working on packing the house had given him a lot to think about. Buck wasn’t sure what that meant, but he hoped it boded well for Eddie’s future.

Bobby had come by in the morning on Sunday after his Saturday shift just to check on Buck. They’d talked for a bit, but Monday was another shift day, so he’d headed out to spend the day with his wife and get some rest.

“You’ve been antsy,” Carla observed.

“I feel like I should be doing something.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” He laughed. “It felt like there were so many moving parts before all this, and then everything crashed and fell on the floor.”

“It’s all working out, right? Tommy is helping Eddie, and I think Tommy seems to have some superpower to get logic into Eddie’s thick skull.” Carla shook her head in exasperation. “He didn’t used to be this way, but I swear, seeing that woman robbed him of his ability to think.”

“It would be shocking.” Buck didn’t disagree, but he felt the need to defend Eddie a little.

“True, but all he had to do was reach out and say something. All of us have unhealthy patterns. One of Eddie’s big ones is the way he internalizes rather than admitting he needs help. And then his problems get bigger and bigger and bigger. I love that boy, but if he doesn’t learn how to escape his internal spiral of doom, this cycle is going to keep repeating.”

“I thought…” Buck sighed. “I thought he was getting better with reaching out.”

“No, you just got in his face, and he let you. But when he really didn’t want to deal with the problem, he made sure you didn’t know about it because he knew you’d be you and challenge him.”

Buck winced.

“That wasn’t a criticism. I’ve said this plainly to Eddie myself that his safety valve was the way you didn’t let him get away with anything, and when he was determined to do something unhealthy, he made sure to hide it from you. Then, when he was stuck, he’d be really spiraling because he basically lied to his best friend and didn’t want to admit it.”

“That sounds like there’s something really dysfunctional in our friendship.”

“I don’t know about that. But your friendship itself can’t be Eddie’s safety valve. That’s a burden on the friendship that’s unhealthy. It’s one thing for it to be a safety net, but it can’t be what he relies on to keep him from getting stuck in his bad patterns. That’s not your role.”

“No,” Buck sighed, “I suppose it’s not. But I let it be that way, so that’s on me too.”

“True. You both contributed to the dynamic. It’s not about blame; it is what it is. But now Eddie is moving to Texas; he’s already seemingly lost a lot of his higher brain function since he met Kim—”

“Carla,” Buck protested on a laugh.

“I call it how I see it.” She huffed. “His parents have always been toxic, and he knows that. Letting Christopher live with them shows that he’s set his rational, higher brain functions aside for something closer to ‘see dirt, clean dirt.’”

Buck laughed until he was pressing his hand into his side to support the muscles, and they had to pause walking. “You are so mean.”

“I said it to his face. He needs to start acting like a father, not a friend, and quit letting guilt run the show. For fuck’s sake,” she muttered. After giving Buck a moment, she got them walking again. “I do think it’s good, however, that you’re letting him do it how he wishes. He’s got to find his way. I have a hunch, in the long term, he’ll be back in LA, and you guys will be spending more time together again, and the break will be good for you to figure out where the boundaries should be.”

Buck smiled sadly. “I’m not Christopher’s father.”

“No, baby, I’m sorry, but you’re not. It could have so easily gone that way, but it went this way, and for the sake of your future, you have to be the uncle.”

“Was this a pep talk?”

“Encouragement, I guess. I think you’re doing something good for yourself, so keep on. A-shift will be doing the big packing party for Jeanette tomorrow.”

“And I’m just going to sit on the couch like a lump and supervise, I promise.”

She grinned. “Right. Then two days later, on Friday, Eddie leaves, and Jeannette moves into a place you considered more your home than the place you actually lived. By the way, I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you didn’t move in there yourself.” She shuddered.

“Yeah.” He sighed.

“Just give yourself a little grace to have your feelings, okay?”

“I’ll get through it.”

“I know you will. But when Eddie comes back, and I really believe he will have some exposure to his parents, eventually get fed up, pack up his kid, and head home, you stay the course, okay?”

Buck smiled sadly. “His house will be Jeanette’s by then. I don’t believe he’s the sort to kick her out and break the sublease, but I firmly believe his landlord is going to offer to let Eddie out of the lease, no-harm, no foul, within three months and sign with Jeanette directly.”

“There are consequences to every decision. Maybe he’ll have a better home for this choice. Maybe he’ll wind up staying with his aunt for a while, who knows? Whatever way it goes, it’s not your problem to solve. Just remember that. Psych yourself up for it now.”

“Okay.”

They’d made it to the park, and Buck was feeling the walk a bit. “Let’s sit for a bit?”

“I’m not going to stay. I was just handing you off to your afternoon babysitter while I run to the store for Howard since he’s grilling this afternoon.”

“What do you mean? Who?”

She pointed to the bench by the pond just as Lou got to his feet.

Grinning, Buck forced himself not just to take off but walk at a safe pace for his injuries as he walked the distance that suddenly seemed huge.

He curled into Lou’s hug, wrapping his arms around Lou’s waist to keep from stretching the healing muscles in his abdomen. “Hi,” he whispered against Lou’s shoulder.

“Hi yourself.” Lou reached around Buck, though he didn’t let go, and shook Carla’s hand. “Nice to finally meet you in person, Carla.”

“Same. And you are even more handsome off FaceTime. How is that possible? And good lord are you tall. Well, I’m off to the store. Buckaroo, text me if you need anything for tonight!”

“Will do,” Buck mumbled, not able to let go of Lou. “Thanks, Carla.”

The crunch of her feet as she stepped onto the gravel path gradually faded into the distance.

“How are you?” Lou murmured against his ear.

“Perfect.”

Lou chuckled. “What song is going through your mind right now? Because don’t think I haven’t figured out that you frequently have a song running through your mind.”

“The soundtrack of my life,” Buck murmured, squeezing a little tighter.

“So, what’s going through your mind?”

“Honestly?”

“Always.”

Instead of just answering, Buck began to sing from Bill Withers’ Lovely Day, “When I wake up in the mornin’, love; And the sunlight hurts my eyes; And somethin’ without warnin’, love; Bears heavy on my mind. Then I look at you; And the world’s all right with me; Just one look at you; And I know it’s gonna be. A lovely day.”

There was an explosive gust of air against Buck’s hair as Lou’s arms tightened. “You’re killing me.” Then he tilted Buck’s chin up and covered his mouth in a lingering but still gentle kiss. “Seeing you makes my day better too,” he whispered against Buck’s lips.

Buck smiled.

Lou guided him over to the bench and curled an arm around Buck’s shoulders, keeping him tucked in close. Buck wasn’t used to dating someone who had three inches in height on him anyway, but it was even stranger sitting down because Buck was short in the torso, where Lou was not, so the height disparity was exaggerated. It was oddly comfortable to be able to relax against someone who sat several inches higher.

“I thought you had the review board today.”

“It’s done. I think they’d met informally in private to get anything they didn’t want on the record over and done with so they could rubberstamp the official proceeding. Someone no doubt needed to point out that the truly difficult review is going to be how Braeburn flew under our radar for so long and that throwing up any issues about my actions would make the administrative review of Braeburn even more difficult.

“So they just asked me to give my accounting of events as part of a formal record, even though all panel members had already reviewed all reports, a few questions were asked, and I was then returned to work.

“As a result, this is my last day of leave. Back to being a detective tomorrow.”

“Ah. So, does that mean I get to keep you with me the rest of the day?” Buck asked, curling his arms around Lou’s waist.

“Thought we’d hang out here until you were ready to go back, then I’d keep you company through your afternoon nap.”

Buck scowled.

“No shame in needing to sleep. Besides, you can snuggle me.”

“I probably won’t get any sleep, then.”

“I’ll bet you sleep just fine. Then, after your nap, Howard is grilling, and we’ve invited some friends over for some games. Howard said you guys need trivia practice.”

Buck laughed and rolled his eyes. “His idea of practicing is just playing trivia games.”

“What’s your idea of practicing?”

“Learning things.”

Lou laughed. “I guess we’ll find out how much you’ve learned, then.”

“I like what I’m learning now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lou tilted his chin up again so their gazes met. “What do you like most about us?”

“I feel like we’re here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I feel like I’m all here when I’m with you. I’m not worried about what to say next, or how to make you like me more, or wondering if you mean what you say. I feel like I’m present, and I’ve never been with someone who felt so in the moment as you. I just really like how we’re so here.”

Lou’s eyes looked a little glassy. “Stay here, okay?”

Buck frowned a little in confusion.

“Just stay honest and in the moment with me. If you start worrying about the future, or the past is dragging you down, just tell me. But I like how easily in the moment we are too, and I don’t want to lose that.”

“Then we won’t.”

“You sound sure.”

“It matters. To both of us, so we’ll fight for it.”

Lou brushed their lips together. “I think a unified objective is the key.”

Buck smiled into the next kiss, feeling like he was on the same page with someone about a relationship for the first time in his life. No doubts, no reservations, and no worries.

Chapter Ten

“How many elements are on the periodic table?” Carla read, looking at the team of Buck, Lou, and Hondo. The other team was Deacon, Carla, and Howard.

Hondo grabbed some chips and shoved them in his mouth.

Lou leaned forward and stared at his friend. “Not even going to consult on this one?”

“It’s a science question. Wake me up for math, history, or pop culture.”

Lou chuckled. He hadn’t thought he’d actually sleep when he and Evan got back to the Price house but, to his surprise, practically the minute Evan had curled into him in the guest bed of his temporary bedroom, Lou had chased him into sleep for a solid three-hour nap. It would make sleeping tonight rough, but they both seemed to need the extra rest.

More than that, though, was the comfort he found in sleeping with Evan in his arms. He really wanted them to be able to get on with the business of proper dating because this afternoon, sitting by a pond in the park was the closest they’d had, and it was already the best relationship of his life. Though, in retrospect, the goodbye to the Jeep could probably be termed a date. There were a lot of emotional overtones to the whole evening that felt significant.

“The answer is 118, but the card will say 114,” Evan answered.

Deacon laughed. “It does say 114, and since I do the science thing with my kids, I know 118 is right.”

Evan was tucked into Lou’s side, moving very little, letting his abdominal muscles rest, so Hondo was the official question reader for their team when needed.

“Four elements were added in 2016,” Evan explained, “observed throughout the early aughts, and we established with that math question earlier that the game was released in 2014.”

Lou grinned into Evan’s hair, then whispered into his ear, “The intellectual thing is kind of sexy.”

Evan chuckled.

The game continued. They were ahead a few points, but then they got the question, “How many FRIENDS were there?” and Evan’s immediate question of, “Friends of who? How is that a real question? It has no context,” had Lou and Hondo laughing so hard they timed out on giving an answer.

They got an unlucky run on Pop Culture, and Hondo was their anchor there, but their questions seemed to land on romance movies and reality TV for a while, which were not Hondo’s areas, and they sure the fuck weren’t Lou’s.

Then, under Pop Culture, they got, “How many lead singers have there been for the band AC/DC?”

Lou was about to respond with the answer of two, when Evan murmured to them, “It’s at least three, right? We don’t count that stint where Axl Rose covered for Brian Johnson on tour, I wouldn’t think.”

“Three?” Hondo questioned, glancing at the time.

“Brian Johnson replaced Bon Scott, who replaced Dave Evans. Was Evans the original, or was there someone before him?”

“I’ve never even heard of Evans,” Hondo said, brow furrowed.

Eye on the timer, Lou said, “Three.”

Deacon sighed and tossed the card on the table. “Three. And I’ve never heard of Dave Evans either.”

Hondo laughed, then side-eyed Evan. “You’re probably one of those music trivia people who know annoying things like, I don’t know, why Rush named a song YYZ.”

“It’s the airport code for Toronto Pearson.”

Hondo blinked a few times. “Excuse me?”

“They’re Canadian, specifically from Toronto. Also, that’s a nice airport. I thought everyone knew this.”

Hondo bit into one of the remaining ribs Howard had made on the grill, which were stellar. “We need to remove the music category entirely.”

Evan kicked him in the ankle.

“All right,” Howard said, holding up the score sheet. “That’s twenty-five rounds, and we are tied, so we get the next question, but we do full rounds until someone misses a question in a round and the other team gets their question right. Then the game will have been won by one point, which is an ideal trivia game in my mind.”

Hondo pulled out the next card with all category questions on it as Howard rolled the dice that came up with the color for HISTORY.

“Which Carthaginian general led the armies against Rome during the Second Punic War?” Hondo asked.

As the other team began to confer, Lou leaned down and whispered, “Do you know?”

Evan nodded. “You?”

“I feel like the answer is just eluding me.”

The other team ran out of time, and Deacon glared at them. “Don’t tell me you knew that.”

Evan laughed. “The question has more information than you need, so it’s making you think in circles. If it were rephrased as ‘which Carthaginian is still famous today—’”

“Shit! Hannibal Barca.”

They rolled the dice and turned up the color for SCIENCE. The other team groaned, but Howard gamely read, “Name the seven stars that make up the Pleiades.”

Lou smiled and rattled off, “Maia, Electra, Alcyone, Taygete, Asterope, Calaeno, and Merope. Though many consider Atlas and Pleione to be part of the star cluster.”

Hondo got to his feet and did a little hip wiggle. “We get the leftovers!”

Deacon threw a bottle cap at him. “I hate you so much right now.”

“Not as much as you’re going to hate me tomorrow, Hannibal, when I have ribs for lunch, and you don’t! So suck it!”

An obviously amused Carla herded Hondo into the kitchen.

Laughing, Lou disentangled himself from Evan and got to his feet. “I’m going to put sleepy to bed. He’s been fighting nodding off for the last thirty minutes.”

“I’ve been having a great time!” Evan protested.

“Doesn’t mean you’re not tired,” Deacon said, stepping closer. “Good to see you, though, man.”

“You too.”

“Don’t be a stranger.”

“I don’t know…you going to ever let me around your kids again?” Evan teased.

“Nope!” Deacon rocked back on his heels. “Maybe. Just get better and I’ll drag you along to the next park day or something.”

Evan said goodnight to everyone, then let Lou herd him towards his bedroom. “You really going to tuck me in or something?”

“Why not? Seems like it should be a boyfriend’s prerogative.”

Evan stood in the middle of the room, looking a little lost.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. I feel like I’m in some weird unreality bubble sometimes where I’m not sure where I am or why.”

Lou stepped closer. It would be too easy to dismiss the odd comments as a product of fatigue, though he thought fatigue played a role, there was clearly something else. “Tell me more.”

“All my touchstones are disappearing. Chris is gone, and Eddie’s leaving. My relationship with Maddie has always been complicated, but I’m starting to think it was unhealthy.” He rubbed his forehead. “I could see it, but I didn’t want to deal with it because I was convinced I needed her, but the cost now seems so high. Too high.” His gaze flicked around the room. “Even if it saved my sanity, I sometimes wish Bobby hadn’t fostered that whole family vibe because it’s so hard to detangle those connections to something healthier.”

Evan frowned. “It’s all so different now. Even Bobby and Athena have had a role reversal in my life. It’s upside down and backwards, and I’m here, but I don’t know where I am.”

Lou gently pulled Evan into his arms, and Evan clutched at him desperately. “The first thing I’m going to say is going to sound invalidating, so please listen for the second part.”

Evan nodded against his shoulder.

“You are tired and achy, and it’s amplifying emotions, but I’m not sure you’re wrong. Everything has changed. Those changes were all in process already when the shooting happened. You were in the midst of figuring out how to do without Eddie and lessen your reliance on your team at work, when suddenly you’re in the hospital.

“Then you lose your familial support too, and I’m sure that was the biggest shock—finding out that your sister can’t accept your boundaries or a simple no if she’s got something going on she has determined to be more important. Then you’re in an unfamiliar house. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel disoriented and out of step.”

Lou tilted Evan’s face up so their eyes met. “I do think it feels so overwhelming right now because you’re tired, and your emotional reserves are down to nothing.”

Evan smiled tiredly. “So, get some sleep?”

“Yes, but also validate that what you feel is real, it’s normal, and it will get better with time. All you can do is keep going through it. And I’ll be here for you.”

Evan let his head rest on Lou’s shoulder again as he nodded. “I don’t want to make you my touchstone, but you’re the only thing that feels real.”

“It’s okay.” Lou pressed a kiss to his hair. “I can go back to being too blunt, with a rap music deficiency and a disagreeable fondness for Big Band music in the morning.”

Looking up again, Evan’s eyes were glassy, but he was smiling. “You’re pretty great, despite the Big Band thing.”

Lou wiggled his eyebrows. “You ain’t seen great yet.”

“But I will…?”

“As soon as you can do a sit-up, sure.”

“You are terrible.” But Evan was more himself again.

“Get ready for bed. I’ll sit here and read your Kindle, then I’ll tuck you in.”

“Who knew platonic tucking in could sound so damn nice and yet like such a tease,” Evan muttered as he carefully leaned down for some sleep clothes, which were folded on a shelf, then went into the bathroom.

Lou sat on the edge of the bed and read some of Evan’s Nat Geo article, already open on his Kindle, about the future of burrowing owls while Evan brushed his teeth and changed.

Then Evan was in front of him, and Lou tossed the Kindle aside and settled his hands on Evan’s hips, pulling him closer, bracketing the sexy man between the spread of his own thighs. “How does it feel after moving around more today?”

“Sore, but good at the same time. Today is the most active I’ve been since the shooting on Thursday. I think I’ll be fine with just the nerve meds and muscle relaxers, so I’ll be okay to stick with the plan tomorrow.”

“Which is the packing party, but then what?”

“Sanity check one more night here with Carla and Howard, where she can fuss over me and guilt me with a look if she thinks I did more than entertain the kids or use a clipboard. If everything is good, I’ll go back to my place on Thursday, which is a shift day for us normally, but Eddie and I are both not working—me for obvious reasons and Eddie’s already had his last day—so we’re planning a tour of nostalgic spots or something. He says he needs to talk and needs more time than we’d have with all our coworkers surrounding us on Friday.”

“Sounds like it’s a good opportunity for some closure. Is Han going to be there on Friday?”

“I’m not sure. I’m not going to get in the way of Eddie saying goodbye to Chim, but I also wasn’t going to hide the situation from Eddie either, so he’s aware of what was said. I threw it over the wall at Bobby and decided not to be involved in it any further. Managing Chim’s temper tantrums isn’t something I want to do anymore.”

“He’s acted out like this before?”

“Much worse. But, really, anytime Maddie is unhappy about anything from her hair being flat to the state of the world, he acts like everyone should stop and try to fix it. I don’t know why he thinks everyone should prioritize her like she was the most important person on the planet. Even when I was more emotionally enmeshed with her, thinking she sparkled sunshine and rainbows from sunrise to sunset, I didn’t think anyone else should make her their focus.”

“Sounds like the ‘it’s not my problem to solve’ approach is a good one.”

“I hope so.”

“And Han has major issues he needs to deal with that have nothing to do with you. The level of heightened focus he has on your sister is worrying, but as long as he doesn’t try to control her…?”

“He seems to do whatever she wants, even if it’s not good for her.”

“I guess that’s something. Not great that he’s focusing his obsession out towards everyone else, but in some ways better than him directing it solely onto her. That path leads to ugly things.”

Evan wrinkled up his nose. “I don’t even want to know, do I?”

“Probably not. But if she’s already been in an abusive relationship, she might be with him because it’s a familiar pattern, but it seems more likely that she feels in complete control of their relationship.”

Evan nodded slowly. “That actually makes a lot of sense. He always defers to her. But I don’t want to talk about my sister right now.” Evan slid his hands up from Lou’s shoulders, skimming over his throat to cup his face, thumbs grazing over his cheekbones. “And I definitely do not want to talk about Chimney.”

Lou couldn’t help but let his own thumbs slide over the jut of hipbones through thin sleep pants. “Your voice says one thing, but I know you’re not up for anything crazy.”

“Lou…”

“Just the tremble in your muscles tells me everything. You’re not going to be able to even lean down as much as you are for much longer.”

Evan blew out a frustrated breath.

“We got workarounds, sweetheart. We can still be us.”

Lou rose to his feet, causing their bodies to slide together as he rose, getting a little gasp from Evan along with a little eye dilation. “Ever since you told me about how half your nights at home, you wind down before bed listening to Al Green or Sam Cooke, I’ve been trying the same. I think Al Green works a little better for me, but both are great. I still like Aretha or something in that vein when I first get home from work, but the others are better before bed.” He got the phone playlist going and pulled Evan into his arms just as Tired of Being Alone started to play.

Evan sighed happily and slid one arm around his waist and the other around his shoulders. “I’m already addicted to this.”

Lou pressed a kiss to the side of Evan’s neck. He was definitely all in on having Evan in his arms.

~*~

Lou pulled into the lot of the station, parking the department SUV, and then just dropped his head back and rubbed his temples. It was well past ten at night, and the day had dragged on and on.

“Yeah, this sucks,” Miranda Hale agreed, looking like she had her own headache. “Are you cursed or something? I won’t say it was quiet, but things were going at a measured pace for your very short administrative leave, then you get back, and a triple homicide drops in our laps.”

Lou pointed at her. “We are not blaming this on me.”

“I’m cranky and I’m starving. We should have stopped and picked up something.”

“I offered. You said traffic sucked from those overnight construction lane closures, and you’d rather tough it out with the vending machine.”

“I know I’m being contrary, but it’s late, we’re probably going to be here all night, and I didn’t want to sit in thirty minutes of extra traffic just to get a shitty burger and have them leave the onions on no matter what I ordered.”

“I can’t deal with you if you’re going to be bitchy from lack of food. We’ll have to Door Dash something that’s still open.”

“Yuck. Everything open at this hour blows. Our choices are going to be McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Pizza, and weird Chinese food. You could just let me raid your snack drawer.”

“I haven’t restocked the snack drawer from your last raid.”

“Oh. Well, shit. If I’d known that I’d have definitely voted for the awful traffic and the shitty burger with the onions I didn’t want.”

Lou sighed. He’d kept in touch with Evan when he could, so he knew the packing party had gone okay. The police station was in an exceptional tizzy about Jeanette taking a few days off to move. You’d think the world had fallen apart without the station administrator around.

By all accounts, despite doing a little too much and getting monopolized by kids, Evan had done okay, so he’d be one more night at Carla and Howard’s and then back at his own place tomorrow unless he went overboard on his day out with Eddie. He’d promised Lou and Carla he’d go back to Carla’s place if he overdid it and was in a lot of pain.

“Let’s get in there and see if Rodriguez and Farrell are back,” Lou said as he opened the door. “If we’re going to pay stupid delivery fees, might as well hit everyone up.”

“Ooh. Maybe they’re not in yet, and we can get them to pick us up something. I’ll take the shitty burger over having to tip and pay delivery fees.” She whipped out her phone and dialed, putting it on speaker.

“What’s up, Hale?” Farrell answered, sounding like his mouth was full.

“Did you guys seriously get food?” she nearly screeched. “I can’t believe the discourtesy. I’d get you something.”

Lou snorted because there was no way she’d have thought to get them anything.

“Get serious. We just got here. Lou’s friend dropped off food for everyone.”

“My friend?” Lou asked, leaning down to be closer to Hale’s phone.

“The firefighter. Maynard was on her way out, and she vouched for him. Said you knew him, so we let him leave some stuff in your office, but he brought sandwiches for everyone.”

Lou blinked.

“Sweet!” Hale started walking faster. “You jerks better have saved me some.”

Lou walked at a more measured pace, double-checking his phone to see if he’d missed any messages from Evan, but he hadn’t. Lou had an office, but he bypassed that to go to the Major Crimes bullpen. There was a reusable shopping bag in the center of the cluster of desks for Lou’s squad. Gallagher hadn’t been out in the field with them. He was on Lou’s team, but he was holding down the fort on existing cases. Despite not actively working the case, once they’d moved into the evening, he was keeping hours with the rest of them, helping out with background checks and gathering data.

Gallagher didn’t even look up. “Nice kid. He brought eight sandwiches. Two chicken, two turkey, two roast beef, and two ham. I know you only eat poultry when it comes to cold cuts, Hale, so I snagged a chicken and a turkey for you. We’ll fight over the rest.”

“Since my boyfriend dropped them off, do I get dibs?” Lou asked, arms crossed, leaning against the jamb.

Everyone went still for a second and stared.

It was Gallagher who broke the silence. “Boyfriend, eh? Nice catch, Lou. And, no, you don’t need dibs. Your care package is in your office.” He pointed to the bag. “Hale. Condiments and anything that, and I quote, has strong flavors like onions or peppers, are in the bag.”

“Sweet. A sandwich shop that can put together a sandwich without mayo or onions.”

Gallagher laughed. “Pretty sure the boyfriend made those.”

Hale finished unwrapping her sandwich, then dug the mustard out. “I would have guessed this was from a sandwich shop. Lou, keep this one!”

“I’m not making decisions on my love life based on your food requirements.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She waved him off.

He tapped the jamb with the side of his fist. “I’ll be back later to work on next steps.”

“Take your time,” Hale called after him, mouth obviously full. “I need to enjoy my digestion.”

Lou laughed as he let himself into his office, finding a large canvas tote on his desk. Inside was a smaller insulated bag and a soft-sided bag. He pulled out the insulated bag first.

Inside were a couple of large food containers with a note on top.

—I know sandwiches are an act of necessity for you, not something you enjoy anymore, so I brought you something different. Ice packs should last a couple of hours in case you’ve already eaten and need to save it for later. – Evan.

The first large container had some sort of salad with a base of quinoa, cucumbers, herbed chicken, pomegranate, cranberries, dates, and walnuts. There was a lemon tahini dressing to go with it. Then there was a huge fruit salad in the other bowl, which was mostly melons—Lou’s favorites—coupled with some grape varieties. There were also a few tangerines already peeled, separate from the salad, in a zipper bag, ready to eat. Probably because Lou had been eating tangerines one night while they talked on the phone.

There was also a bag of what looked like homemade granola, some lemon poppyseed mini-muffins, and wrapped in foil was some fresh focaccia.

Lou blew out a breath. Everything he’d even mentioned in passing about how he preferred to eat, especially later in the day, was here. He preferred grains and protein. He liked tart and sweet mixed with savory. He loved fruit. When he needed quick energy, he loved granola and pastries, but he didn’t like them super sweet, which was hard to find. And he loved freshly made breads, especially softer ones like focaccia.

He fired off a text to Hondo.

Lou: I think in two weeks, just in comments made idly, Evan has paid more attention to what I like than anyone in any relationship I’ve ever had. What do you think that means?

Hondo: Could mean your past relationships have been sad AF, my friend. But give me some context.

He sent a picture of the spread of food on his desk.

Hondo: He sure does know how you prefer to eat. Have you two ever been out for a meal?

Lou: No.

Hondo: Talked about food a lot?

Lou: Just stuff said in passing. Nothing specifically food-focused. I know he baked a lot when he ended his last relationship. That was the biggest conversation we had about food.

Hondo: Then he’s just deeply invested in everything you say about yourself. He’s falling for you. Just accept it, be joyful, and enjoy your dinner. Quickly, before I have time to drive over there and steal it from you.

Lou: I promise it will be gone before you could get out the door. And thanks, Hondo.

Hondo: Anytime.

He couldn’t help but start to dig into the quinoa salad, which was fucking amazing, while he one-handed opened the other bag. Inside was a soft blanket that had surprising weight to it and a travel pillow with a weird sleeve of foam bits attached with a zip tie. There was a note in there as well.

—You might need to sleep in the office sometimes. I can’t believe there’s no blanket. Athena said she’s caught you sleeping under your coat. And that pillow you have sucks. Travel pillow is a better size for the couch, anyway. If it’s too fluffy, you can remove some of the stuffing. If it’s not fluffy enough, you can add more from the extra provided. Take a nap if you have to pull an all-nighter. I know you told me you have a speaker at the office, so don’t sleep on case thoughts. Put on some Sam Cooke or Otis Redding… Let your mind go somewhere else for a while. Goodnight, Lou. – Evan

Lou grabbed his salad and went to the couch in his office. Because his couch was firm, he needed a lot of pillow height to handle his shoulders, so he usually wound up shoving the flat monstrosity half under his neck and putting his head on the arm of the couch, which wasn’t great for comfort.

But with all the extra stuffing added, the travel pillow was the right size and height to actually support his head properly. “Oh, that’s nice.” He pulled the blanket overtop, just to see how it felt. The blanket was interestingly put together with cotton on one side and fleece on the other so you could change sides to adjust the temperature. The cotton side was cooler, the fleece side was warmer. The cotton also gave it a little more weight than a normal fleece blanket, so it felt good.

Lying there on the right pillow with the amazing blanket, his salad on the side table waiting for him, it felt a lot like being loved.

Blowing out a breath, he sat up, the blanket pooling in his lap. He diligently worked his way through the protein part of the meal because he knew he needed the fuel. The salad was so incredibly good, but sleep was suddenly pulling at him in the worst way, but he knew he’d be firing better later on with the protein in his system.

The fruit would be a great treat after a nap. He fired off a text to Gallagher that he was taking an hour to rest. Everyone should do the same if they need to. There was a breakroom with places to lie down for cops working overnights.

He got a thumbs-up in response.

Unsure how to properly express himself, he texted Evan.

Lou: Thank you for the care package. I wish I had the right words to tell you how much this meant. I’m a little speechless, to be honest.

As soon as he hit send, he got up and snapped a photo of his sofa, which showed the pillow and blanket, clearly in recent use, the empty salad bowl on the table by the sofa, a bottle of water next to the bread on the small worktable in front of the couch, which were right by Lou’s phone speaker sitting atop a closed case file.

He sent the photo to Evan.

Evan: I’m glad I could make your night a little easier. What are you going to listen to?

Lou: Sam Cooke was my first thought of your choices, but I’m going to do an Al Green repeat because it will remind me of last night, and I want to think of holding you while I catch an hour of sleep.

Evan: I like this plan. I’ll listen to it too. Have a good rest Lou.

Lou: Goodnight, Evan.

Lou lay on his side in the dim office, curled up under his new blanket with Al Green singing softly from the speaker near his head, and wondered why this all felt so different. They were barely into this experiment called Lou and Evan.

Then he realized it was the first time he’d been given any support to do his job or about his career. There were no demands to go home and sleep, no requirement to prioritize something else, or work fewer hours. It was only one day back, but it was still just support. A meal, a better way to rest…filling in holes Lou hadn’t even realized were there.

He kept thinking he was falling in love, but he was already head over heels in love.

The thought should have been alarming, but he closed his eyes and just let it be comforting.

Chapter Eleven

Buck was in the kitchen with Carla, drying the pans Howard had used for breakfast, when Eddie entered the kitchen. Howard had left a note for him to come in when he arrived.

“Morning, Eds.”

“Hey. Looks like I missed breakfast.”

“Pish.” Carla pointed to the breakfast burritos wrapped in foil. “Saved you some because we knew you were coming.” She offered her cheek, and he dropped a kiss on it.

“Thanks, Carla.”

“Anytime, darlin’. Sorry I can’t be there tomorrow for the load-up party, but I have a new client I’m spending the day with to see how we get on.”

“I understand.” They exchanged a sad smile because they all knew the hole in their lives that Carla’s favorite client had left when he’d moved to Texas. “Where’s Howard?”

“He has one of his man gatherings. Not even sure which one this is today. Possibly duck wrangling on a nearby hill.”

Buck laughed.

“He does like to keep busy. Retirement doesn’t suit him at all, and I know it won’t suit me. I keep thinking the right opportunity will show up to keep us both busy, but that has not presented itself yet, so I’ll keep working, and he’ll keep finding groups.” She wiped her hands off on a towel, then turned and opened her arms wide. “Give me a hug, sexy cheekbones, and be sure to keep in touch. I’ll be thinking of you every day.”

Eddie swept her into his arms. “You’ve been such a blessing to us, Carla. Thank you for everything.”

She patted him on the back. “Go on. And if this one seems like he’s not doing so hot this evening, be sure to bring him back here.”

“I promise.” He released Carla with a teary smile, then turned to Buck. “Those your bags by the door?”

“Yup.”

“Where’s the Jeep?”

“Jeep was donated to a charity over the weekend. I got a new car last week. Carla and Howard dropped the SUV by my loft last night since you were on transpo duty today.”

Eddie blinked. “Oh.”

Buck clapped him on the back. “I’ll tell you all about it in the car. Come on. Grab your burritos and let’s get going.”

“You take my burritos, I’m taking your stuff, Mr. Delicate Abdomen.”

Buck flipped him off, gave Carla a big hug with a whispered promise to keep their next coffee date and to see her and Howard soon for dinner. In a few minutes, they were on the road, and Eddie was tearing into his second burrito.

“The Jeep?”

“I actually went to Maddie’s that night to talk to her about donating it to charity. I’d already arranged the purchase of a Hyundai Palisade.”

“Did you and she ever talk about the Jeep? I know you’ve gone no contact with her.”

Buck wrinkled up his nose. “You make it sound like she’s an unsupportive parent who can’t deal with me being gay, or something. I haven’t gone ‘no contact.’ I just said we needed to take a break until I’m recovered and have more wherewithal to deal with her demands and refusal to respect my boundaries.”

“And what’s the difference between what I said and what you said?”

“I think there’s a specific connotation to the phrase ‘going no contact’ that I’m not sure applies to our situation.” He wrinkled up his nose again. “Anyway, I realized I didn’t need to talk to Maddie about the Jeep. The sentimentality about the Jeep was all on my side. I think I just wanted some support from someone about letting go of something that had been so significant to me. At the time, it made sense to me that it be Maddie. Turns out, I was wrong. There were better ways to let go.”

He smiled softly, thinking of the night swaying to music while immersing himself in memories, sharing his past with someone who cared about the journey that had brought Buck to this point in his life. It had struck him keenly that Maddie had never bothered to ask what his life had been like during those years. Maybe she thought she knew it all from a few postcards and that was all she needed to know about the many years they’d been apart.

Stopped at a light, Eddie watched him with narrowed eyes. “You’re seeing someone!” he said in an accusatory tone.

Buck looked over slowly. “And if I am?”

“I can’t believe you managed to keep this to yourself.”

Buck shot him an unimpressed look and pointed to the road. “Drive.”

Huffing, Eddie put his foot on the gas. “Who is it?”

“Oh no. We’re not doing the sudden interest in my personal life thing.”

“Sudden interest…?” Eddie sounded bewildered. Then he blew out a breath. “I told you we needed to talk today.”

“Yeah, but you never said about what. And where are we going?”

“Santa Monica.”

Buck goggled at him. “Are you for real?”

“Mm.”

“What in the world for?”

“Because I have some things to say to you, and I feel like I need to say them there.”

Buck reached out and began checking over Eddie’s head.

Still paying attention to the road, Eddie knocked his hand away. “What are you doing?”

“Checking you for head injuries.”

“You ass. I’m fine. Just be patient. We’ll hit up the beach, go for a walk with our toes in the sand, and then we can drive up the coast a bit.”

“I thought this was going to be a nostalgia tour. You and I have never walked on the beach with our toes in the sand.”

“You’ll see.”

Buck huffed his exasperation but decided to just roll with the punches. “How has it been hanging out with Tommy?”

“Honestly, really good. It’s on me that he and I dropped out of contact. At first, I used the excuse that he’d broken up with you. If I’m honest, I’d have acceded to your wishes and not let it be an obstacle to staying closer friends if I’d wanted to.”

“Yeah, I know, Eds,” Buck murmured. “So, why cut contact?”

“I was struggling, and I didn’t want anyone else close. I was keeping my circle as tight as possible. Family of blood and my work family were all I could deal with. Tommy and I talked about how he didn’t fit in the two boxes of people I couldn’t cut out of my life. I think he understands more than I even wanted him to. He’s forgiven me for it, which I appreciate. He and I have a lot in common on the interests front, and I’ll miss having him around to shoot hoops with or repair cars.”

“Yeah, though…” Buck took a breath, feeling his resolve break not to stick his nose into Eddie’s business. “You never know when you’ll be back, so don’t burn bridges by not staying in touch, okay? Just because Tommy got over it once doesn’t mean he’ll get over it again. Be a good long-distance friend so if you come back to LA, you’ll have a good friend here eager to shoot hoops, fix your truck, and better yet, help you unpack your shit!”

Eddie laughed, though it was a little strained. “You don’t think El Paso is going to stick, do you?”

“Don’t ask me things you don’t want the answers to, Eddie.”

“I really want—”

“No, you don’t, or you’d have been willing to listen long before now.”

“Buck,” Eddie said on what sounded like an exhausted sigh. “I wasn’t trying to discount your opinion.”

“You weren’t even hearing it, Eddie. You stuck your fingers in your ears, threw logic out the window, and now want me to pretend like the last year didn’t happen. You’re going to do what you’re going to do—I’ve known that about you for a long time. Doesn’t make me care about you any less, but I’m not going to beat my head against the wall hoping for a different outcome after all these headaches.”

“Just tell me straight what you think is going to go awry… Maybe I can mitigate it.”

“That your parents have always been bad for you? Bad for Chris? That their love is conditional? That they’re going to gaslight you? Those conditions existed before Chris left, they exist now, they will continue to exist.”

Eddie winced.

“Chris is being the way he’s being because he made a mistake, and he’s taking the burden of that mistake on himself. I honestly feel like he thinks he has to make it work because he chose to go there. But, honestly, Eds, that’s all on you. Because he’s the kid, and you’re the parent. There were other ways, better ways, to let him sort out his feelings, but you two went with the most toxic plan possible and went full steam on it.”

“It’s what he wanted.”

“Why in the world would he have wanted that? Just come up with some answer that makes sense, Eds. You’re not going to like any answer you come up with. And since when do you accede to every unhealthy thing he wants to do? You going to let him start eating cookies three meals a day now? But it is what it is now. I honestly believe Christopher’s communication problems with those of us back here are rooted in him being unhappy and thinking he deserves it because he thinks he created the situation.”

“I…really want you to be wrong.”

“I want me to be wrong too. I want Chris to be uncommunicative because he’s so happy and super involved in school and girls—or boys—and he’s just too damn busy to pick up the phone. But I think he’s ashamed and doesn’t know how to ask for help.”

“Then I need to be there.”

“I agree.”

Eddie was quiet as he navigated thick traffic leading to the beach. “And your point is that the eventual path will lead us back here because once Christopher is no longer trying to manage the situation, he’s going to be back to the kid he was a year ago, who hated El Paso and wanted nothing to do with my parents.”

“I suppose personality transplants do happen. Or he could legitimately be so happy in school that he’s figuring out how to deal with what he doesn’t like—namely, your parents—in order to stay. And maybe your presence there and being able to live with you will fix all the issues, and Texas will be a go.”

“But you think the probabilities are more likely…?”

“That within a year to eighteen months, you’re back in LA.”

Eddie blew out a breath, hands gripping the steering wheel. “And my house is now someone else’s.”

“Don’t borrow trouble, Eds. Work on the problems in front of you, not the problems you don’t even have yet. Right now, you have to get to Texas and go back to being a full-time parent.”

“Can I ask you an odd question?”

“Your questions are usually odd, but when have I ever stopped you from asking me a question?”

“I just… If I had asked you to go with me to Texas, would you?”

“Hm. I think it depends on when you’d asked.”

“What do you mean?”

“There was a point when my answer would have been absolutely, yes, I’ll go with you. But somewhere along the way, I decided not to let other people’s smallest problems become my crisis, which is something I definitely do. Center myself around others. I’m not saying Chris being in Texas is a small thing, but once I started shifting my viewpoint on how I looked at my interaction with others, my view on my own boundaries and my desires for my own life started to change. Somewhere in that process, I’d have had more reservations than enthusiasm about following you to Texas.”

“Why? I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just trying to understand the shift.”

“Because I can’t make you and Chris the center of my universe, Eddie, and you had been practically from the moment I met, well, Chris. You were kind of a twerp I put up for Christopher’s sake until we got to know one another better.”

Eddie made a rude gesture.

“The issue is that it’s not reciprocal, and it never was. I don’t mean that in an accusatory way, more in a why did it take me so long to notice that the gravitational pull was definitely one direction, you know? I was pulled to you two, but it seemed hard for you to remember what role I filled in your life. I’d go from seeing you every day to not seeing you for weeks, other than work. And I’m not just talking about Ana. Every girlfriend, you’d suddenly have no time to even be friends anymore. Every crisis, you suddenly wouldn’t be able to talk, and I’d just be Christopher’s homework buddy.”

Eddie sighed. “That was one of the things I’d wanted to talk to you about today. Let’s wait until we get to the beach.”

~*~

Buck had his pant legs rolled up to his knees, a mirror to Eddie’s own situation, but they were wearing light jackets. Buck had needed some help getting down to the ground, and he knew getting up was going to suck.

The beach wasn’t very crowded, but that was because it was chilly right off the ocean in mid-March.

“Why here?” Buck prodded.

“I come here sometimes and think about how I almost lost you and Chris to the sea. How I would likely never have known why or what really happened.”

“Why would you do that?” Buck questioned, utterly shocked.

“To remind me to be grateful. I sometimes forget how much good there is in my life, and sometimes it helps to visit where things were painful and see that they were also places of extraordinary grace.”

“Eds…”

“The ocean could have taken you two but, instead, because of you, you’re both still here.”

“We got separated,” Buck corrected, “And Chris did a lot of saving of himself after that point.”

“Buck… You were the only two survivors who were standing on the pier or the beach that day.”

“Say what?”

“You never looked into it?”

“No.”

“I did. People inside buildings where the doors held, and some of those on the Ferris Wheel made it, but if they were on foot, at the end of the pier or right by the water, they all died. There’s drone footage of the people who were standing on the pier, and all were accounted for as deceased, except you and Chris. The saving was what you did, the training you employed, up to the point you got him out of the water.

“It sucks you have to carry the burden of the memory of being separated, but Chris isn’t traumatized by that. He just kept working to get back to you, doing what you’d already told him to do.”

“I had no idea.”

“I know. The point is that sometimes, over the years, I come here to remember to be grateful. Bobby’s even come with me a couple of times.”

Buck shot him a curious look.

“Bobby and I have had some rough times around me leaving and coming back to the department, and he’s taken some rough shots from me. Anyway, the first time, it culminated in us sitting here talking about loss. It started to become a thing. But to circle back to why come here today. Tommy casually mentioned how surprised he was that you weren’t coming with me because he was sure you’d follow me anywhere.

“And that rattled around in my mind. Because at first I was shocked he’d have even gone there, and then I was shocked at myself because I know you well enough to know that there was a point when you would have followed me. And then I realized I was pretty sure something had changed. But I wasn’t sure what or how to ask.”

Buck shrugged. “Just trying to figure out how to let my own small things be my big crisis. I know people think I make everything my big crisis, but I’ve always been more about what’s going on with everyone else.”

Eddie smiled softly. “That’s a good thing, I suppose. No matter what Chim might have ever said, you’re one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. Focusing on yourself is a good thing. Though I’ll have to admit, I miss being the center of your universe.”

Buck gave a wry smile. “I’m not sure what to say to that.”

“I’m just being honest. I guess I didn’t realize what it would be like to have your focus shift away.”

“It’s not because I’m dating, Eds.”

“I know. Took me a second to parse that on the drive here. If it were dating, you’d have been this way when you were with Taylor. I guess it’s just a you thing.”

“It wasn’t really about you or anyone else. It was a lot of things hitting around the same time, but Chris going to Texas, and you not wanting to hear what I had to say about it hit me hard. That told me a lot about where I stood with you.”

Eddie dropped his head to his knees briefly. “I was struggling, Buck. Struggling with the mistakes I’d made about Kim…”

“I’m not going down the path of recrimination with you. It’s not Kim or Chris; whatever had changed with us, changed before that moment in time, or it wouldn’t have been so easy for you to ignore me. And I didn’t do a great job of recognizing what I was feeling, but once I did, I had to fix it, man.

“I can’t just live my life for you two, Eds, never knowing if there’s going to be something for me left over at the end of the day.”

Eddie stared at him, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Before the man I’m dating would agree to really date me, he wanted me to have clarity about how I felt about Tommy and about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. He wanted to be sure I wasn’t still in love with Tommy and wasn’t harboring romantic feelings for you. It was mentally easy to dismiss the idea of romantic feelings for you out of hand, but I felt like I owed it to myself and him to really consider what he was asking. And the answer I finally came up with was that I felt like my platonic life partner had left me and taken my kid. And that I was really torn up about it, but had zero support from anyone to deal with the pain I was in.”

Eddie’s eyes went wide.

“And none of it is on you that I felt that way. That I put more into us and into your family than you had allowed. Only you can determine what role you played in where we were and where we now are. Because it’s not about blame. At the end of the day, you’re still my friend, I still love you, and I still love Chris. How that looks and the shape it takes is just going to be different.”

Looking gutted, Eddie said, “I feel like my heart just got broken, and I couldn’t even tell you why.”

“My last bit of butting in. Get to Texas and get a therapist as soon as you have coverage. You gotta find a way to talk about how you’re feeling before it’s burying you. Whenever anything is too difficult, you always let it go nuclear rather than talk.”

“Unless you get in my face,” Eddie whispered with a wry smile.

“Because I care about you and I don’t want you to suffer, but you never actually wanted that from me or gave consent for me to do that, so in a way, we had really bad boundaries.”

Eddie gave a mirthless laugh. “I guess we did. But, Dios, am I going to miss you.”

“Every day, man. Every damn day.”

~*~

Buck still had sand stuck between his toes by the time Eddie pulled into the visitor spaces at the loft. His muscles were sore, and he was probably going to take half a pain pill tonight. He’d overdone it a bit, but not so much that he needed Carla’s attention. He just needed to relax and get some sleep. Breaking the minor pain cycle he was currently in should allow him to rest fully.

He and Eddie had had a whole day of long talks, but other than the first couple of hours, they’d tried to stay focused on the future and not dwell too much on the past.

Eddie had tried to work out who Buck was seeing, but Buck had just smiled enigmatically every time it had come up. Eddie had even guessed through practically every single guy on A-shift, which was vaguely disturbing.

“Thanks for today,” Buck said. “I’m glad we had time to reconnect before you left.”

“Me too. We’ve needed to clear the air and figure out what our next stage looks like for a while now.”

Buck smiled, feeling the tugging of the past competing with enthusiasm for the future, but also sadness about the present. It all coalesced into something bittersweet.

Eddie unbuckled. “Come on. I’m not your date, dropping you at the door. I still have to carry your bags in. And don’t even lift a toiletry bag. I’ve seen the way you’re favoriting your left side.”

“It’s just soreness and fatigue.”

“I can tell. If you were in major pain, you’d be pale, and there’d be pain lines from the way your mouth gets pinched. Doesn’t mean you should lift anything heavier than that enormous cup of tea you insisted we stop for. Now come on.”

“The tea is for tomorrow. I haven’t been home in days, and I don’t want to take the time to brew any tonight.”

Inside, Buck opened the door, with Eddie a few steps back, carrying his bags.

Before Buck could get his bearings, he found himself slammed back into a wall, pain scorching up his back, feeling like his insides were ripped apart. His head bounced off the wall, the cup flew out of his hand, and forty-four ounces of tea sprayed all over the floor.

Dazed, pained, and confused, all Buck could manage was to think that at least the tea wasn’t sweetened. Cleaning up all the liquid would be bad enough, but sticky liquid would be terrible.

“What the fuck are you doing, Chim?” Eddie yelled.

Buck registered that there was nothing holding him to the wall, so he slid to the floor, managing to focus on Eddie wrestling Chim away.

What the actual fuck?

“What are you doing here, Diaz?”

“Me? Are you cracked? What are you doing here? Why are you lurking in Buck’s apartment in the dark? Why did you attack him?”

Buck pulled out his phone and did something probably irrevocable as he dialed 9-1-1.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

He rattled off his address. “Off-duty firefighter Evan Buckley. I came home with my friend, Eddie Diaz, and there was an intruder in my home who attacked me. Diaz is wrestling with the intruder now.”

“You called the cops?” Chim hollered, trying to get around Eddie without success.

“Do you know the intruder?”

“He’s my brother-in-law, Firefighter Paramedic Howard Han of the 118.”

“Do you know how he accessed your apartment?”

“I don’t. The only people with keys to my place are my captain, Robert Nash, with emergency access to that key granted to his wife, LAPD Sergeant Athena Grant. The second key is for Eddie Diaz, and I know for a fact it’s been with him all day. Any other keys were only given to people temporarily and were returned to me upon request.”

“Buck! Tell them you called by mistake and hang up!” Chim demanded.

“It’s not a mistake,” Buck shot back. “I’ve been gone from my home for days, so I have no idea how you knew to be here tonight or how you got access, but you fucking sat in the dark and attacked me. What is wrong with you?”

“Maddie has a key. She has implicit access to your home, and I’m her husband.”

“I never gave Maddie a key,” Buck snapped. “But even if I did, I never gave you a key. But what does that have to do with you sitting in the dark waiting to pounce?”

“Police are en route, sir. I’m staying on the line,” the dispatcher said softly.

“Maddie was sitting in the kitchen crying!”

“Which has what to do with me? I was gone all damn day with Eddie. I haven’t talked to Maddie since Saturday.”

“Because you blocked her!” Chim yelled, fighting harder with Eddie.

“Which I have a right to do. I’m not ready to talk to her.”

“Then why was she crying? She said it was because of you.”

“How the hell would I know?”

Chim tried to push past Eddie again, and Eddie pushed him back. “You can’t keep me here.”

“I don’t care if he goes, Eddie. The police will find him eventually. As long as he can exit without me moving, because something doesn’t feel good, and I think I need to get checked out.”

“Sir, do you need an ambulance?” the dispatcher asked.

“Yeah, probably,” Buck answered her. “I was shot on Thursday. Through and through, nicked the spleen. I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday. I don’t think anything outwardly tore, so I don’t think I’m bleeding, so it could just be the jolt that’s causing so much pain, but I’m really afraid to move right now.”

“Please don’t move, then. Wait for Fire Rescue to arrive.”

Buck blew out a breath. “I’m in the 133’s zone, right?”

“Yes, but all apparatuses were dispatched to a structural fire.” She hesitated. “The 118 is their backup.”

“My own freaking captain is on duty tonight.”

She chuckled sympathetically. “That’s tough luck. Police are entering the building.”

Chim was still struggling with Eddie.

“Eds, can you get him out of here? I can’t deal with his shit.”

“Yeah.”

Eddie strong-armed Chim into a very uncomfortable-looking hammerlock, then marched him out the door, keeping his own body between Buck and Chim.

Then Eddie was kneeling next to Buck, checking his pupils and pulse in rapid succession. “The police were already on your floor. They’ve got him in custody. I’m going to check and see if you tore anything.”

“I can’t believe this shit.” He remembered he was on the phone. “Oh, sorry. He’s out of the house, and I believe police have him in the hall.”

“They do. Fire rescue is another five to ten minutes out. Since police are on scene, I’ll hang up now unless you need anything else, sir?”

“No. Thank you.”

“Goodnight.” The line clicked off.

Eddie had finished probing Buck’s abdomen. “You up for me looking at your back?”

“Hell no. I’m not moving.”

Then two officers were in Buck’s apartment, looking for answers. But Buck had no answers to offer because he had no fucking idea what was going on.

~*~

Buck’s loft was spacious, but it wasn’t spacious enough for this. Three uniformed officers, which included the on-duty field sergeant, who’d decided to handle the call directly due to who all was involved—two other officers were downstairs with Chim getting his statement after placing him under arrest.

Then Athena had arrived a bare minute ahead of a whole squad from the 118 since their paramedics were lagging behind, so the truck was sent to do the assessment and field triage. Bobby was worried and pissed by turns. Jones, DeKay, and Ravi were the only people he knew on the truck squad for the night.

Then the ambulance had arrived, but the squad mostly knew Buck and Eddie, so they weren’t really leaving, even though they were superfluous at that point. So there were five on-duty firefighters, two paramedics, three police officers, Athena, Buck, and Eddie. And a gurney.

There wasn’t enough space.

The paramedics—Bobby had made Hen stay behind at the station, so that was even more awkward—wanted Buck taken in for evaluation to ensure nothing had torn and there was no internal bleeding.

So, Buck was getting a ton of assistance from the truck guys getting on the gurney when Maddie came flying in.

“What is going on? Chim used his watch to call me and said I had to get here.”

Buck was half down on the gurney, being supported by three equally big firefighters, and he stared, utterly frozen, at his sister.

Sergeant Valencia turned to one of her men. “Get down there and get his watch. For fuck’s sake.” She looked at Maddie. “Who are you?”

“I’m Maddie Han. I’m, um, his sister.”

Buck hissed in pain. “Down. Finish what we started, guys, or I’m going to veto this hospital trip and take the offer to get upstairs instead and go to sleep.”

“The hell you say,” Athena snapped. “Get him on that gurney.”

“Get him moving, guys,” Bobby barked out.

“Yes, Cap.”

They got him the rest of the way down, and he groaned in relief at not having to use any muscles to support himself. Jones patted his head. “All better.”

Buck swatted at him.

A completely different officer returned and gave Sergeant Valencia a set of keys. “These are keys to various people’s homes. He says Buckley’s is one of them. This one.” He tapped a key.

Valencia showed Buck the keys. “This your key?”

“It might work on my door, but all the keys I cut for my place are brass. That one is silver.”

Eddie pulled his keys out of his pocket and showed that his key to Buck’s place was brass. Bobby quickly did the same.

“Oh, um.” Maddie cleared her throat. “Those aren’t Howie’s keys; they’re mine. I know he shouldn’t have taken them without checking with me first, but we are married, and I would have definitely given him permission if he’d asked me.”

“I never gave you a key to my place, Maddie.”

“Of course you did.”

“No, I really didn’t.”

“I had your keys when you were in the hospital.”

Buck frowned. “My keys were in the bedside table the whole time, and you never accessed it the one morning you visited.”

“I don’t mean last week. I meant when you were struck by lightning.”

Athena made an indignant noise. “Maddie Han, did you take Buck’s keys when he was in a coma and make a copy without his permission?” Then she held up a hand. “Don’t answer that. Good lord.”

Then there was suddenly one more person in Buck’s loft, which felt much, much too small all of a sudden. Also, completely lacking air.

Lou looked harried and frantic as he charged around the corner.

“Lieutenant Ransone? Are you on this case? Why does this involve Major Crimes?” Sergeant Valenzia asked just before Lou was at Buck’s gurney.

Lou looked him over, framing his face with big hands. “Are you all right? What happened? They have to take you back to the hospital? Why?”

Buck curled his hands around Lou’s wrists, squeezing gently. “Hey. I’m fine. We’re going to the hospital out of an abundance of caution to make sure nothing got torn. Ride in the ambulance, okay? I’ll fill you in.”

Lou went to one knee next to the gurney. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Come on. Let’s blow this joint and let everyone else deal with the chaos for once.”

Huffing a laugh that sounded exhausted, Lou pressed their foreheads together briefly. “Okay.” He looked to Athena. “You sure I can go with him?”

“We’ll be right behind you, anyway, so it’s fine.”

Buck glanced at Eddie, who looked strangely amused. “I’ll lock up here when they’re done and follow along too.”

“Okay. Thanks, Eds.”

“There was definite entertainment value.”

Buck glared, but Eddie just grinned.

Lou blew out a breath. “I just realized I—”

Buck gently knocked their heads together. “We’re good.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.”

Chapter Twelve

Buck carded his fingers through Lou’s hair, who was conked out asleep with his head resting near Buck’s hip on the hospital bed. He had one arm thrown across Buck’s legs as if he were trying to be sure Buck stayed in place.

Lou had wrapped his case about an hour before Buck’s kerfuffle with Chimney. He’d been knee-deep in starting case reports when he’d heard from a dispatcher friend that Buck had been attacked in his home.

Which was a missing puzzle piece in how Lou got there. The Maddie and Chimney pieces continued to be elusive.

“Should we do this later?” Athena asked softly as she and Bobby took seats on the other side of his bed. Bobby was still in uniform, but it was just the blue pants and official LAFD T-shirt.

“He won’t want to sleep like this very long, I don’t think. His neck will be a mess, but I think he’s exhausted from work because he just fell asleep like that mid-sentence. What’s the word on your end?”

“Your end first,” Bobby insisted. “Are you all right?”

“Who’s covering the shift?”

“Calley is covering for me until I can get back. What’s up with you?”

“I’m fine. The CT scan didn’t show any bleeding, so nothing that was previously fixed got un-fixed, which was the big worry, but to be safe and ensure the scan didn’t miss anything, they’re just going to monitor vitals overnight and send me home in the morning. There’s some significant bruising forming around the healing sutures on my back that’s new, and I think it was another perfect shot where he nailed me right into that square floating shelf I had on the wall there. They compared the pain to the equivalent of being punched in a surgical incision that isn’t healed yet with brass knuckles. Everything is still remarkably intact, but it just hurt badly.”

Bobby pointed between Buck and Lou. “Athena was not surprised by this, but I was shocked.”

“Athena’s ways are mysterious.”

Bobby chuckled. “True. If he makes you happy, then I’m happy for you, kid.”

“Thanks, Bobby, he really does. Now, can we stop avoiding the question? What in the world happened?”

Athena gave him a tight smile. “Maddie got what she wanted.”

Buck frowned, trying to parse that. Then it hit him. “Oh. The thing I typed up.”

“She and I were both off-shift at the same time. I’d reached out to her and told her I had your narrative of what happened that night, but it was a difficult read. If she wanted to read it, she’d need to meet up with me. I could come to her place, or she could come to mine. She asked me to come to hers. Chimney was out picking up Jee-Yun, who had been with the Lees.

“I sat with her while she read it on my phone. She got upset. I stayed with her for a time until she seemed to be more herself and then offered to talk about it, but she asked me to leave.”

“Have I read this?” Bobby asked.

“No, and you won’t. The case report needs to be sufficient for you, Robert.”

“Okay, I’ll trust your judgement.”

She patted his hand. “In any case, apparently, Chimney found Maddie upset; she indicated it was about you, and he went off. He grabbed the ring of keys she had with other people’s keys on it and took off. And now that they know she didn’t have permission to make a copy of your key, they made her identify all the keys, and they’re reaching out to all the owners of said keys and making sure she had permission to have them.”

Buck groaned. “She admitted to making a copy of my key?”

“Oh yes. She apparently thought it was so reasonable that everyone would understand. When you were in the coma and she took your keys to check on your place and get your clothes and whatnot, she felt it was more expedient to have a copy herself, so she made one. She told Valencia that she felt it was an oversight that you’d never given her one yourself.

“Valencia asked why she didn’t disclose to you that she’d made a key, if it was just an oversight on your part that she didn’t have one. Maddie waved it away and said you tend to have unreasonable emotional outbursts and were unstable after the lightning strike.” Athena sounded indignant.

Buck took the hand that wasn’t occupied with stroking through Lou’s hair to rub his own forehead, wishing away his headache. “I never gave Maddie a key because her boundaries with regard to me are shitty. I’ve occasionally loaned her my keys to get in on a case-by-case basis, but she always gave them back.”

“Well, she was given a criminal citation for burglary and theft by taking, then released. Her court date is in about a month. She has Jee at home, so they didn’t want to take her to jail since Chim is definitely going to jail until he can see a judge. He likely won’t be before a judge until early tomorrow afternoon, and they’ll set bond at that time.”

“Burglary?” Buck questioned. “Theft I get, but why burglary?”

“That charge likely won’t stick, but she admitted to entering your residence without permission and making a key so she could do so again in the future. And it’s not uncommon to charge people with anything they can, which gives prosecutors leverage to plea someone down to the real charge they want them convicted for.”

It suddenly hit him how serious the ramifications of this could be. “What is this going to mean in the long term?”

Athena shrugged. “Hard to say. It’s unlikely the city would dismiss either of them from their jobs while litigation is pending, but Chim would certainly be put on leave. I’m not sure what will happen with Maddie.”

Buck was having a hard time wrapping his head around the escalation. “Was it that bad? What she read, that is.”

“Don’t draw connections where there are none,” Athena admonished. “Maddie was tearful, but I think it was actually good for her. It’s a difficult read, which is why I wanted to be there. She’s been insisting she had to know what happened, and I think she learned tonight she didn’t need to know. Part of her upset was no doubt that she’d created a rift between the two of you over her demands, which was all for nothing, and that in its own right was a difficult pill for her. Regardless, she was fine. But that girl is a crier. We both know that.”

“True. Maddie’s gonna cry.”

“She was emotional but working through her feelings, and I think there was that regret for how she’d behaved thus far, so that was a good potential outcome. But Chimney jumped to conclusions. His impulsive and abusive behavior is not on you. Or Maddie for that matter, and that it exposed Maddie’s unfortunate past choices is also not your fault.”

“But the fallout…”

“Oh, it’s going to be epic, but the size of the impact crater is not something you can manage.”

He blew out a breath. “You talk to Hen?”

Bobby nodded. “She’s furious and anxious and doesn’t know how to respond. She’s going to try to support him as much as she can without crossing the line into enablement. I figure that’s Karen’s lookout.”

Frustrated, Buck let his head fall back against the pillows; the only thing soothing him was the rhythmic motion through Lou’s hair. “I should be able to say ‘no’ to my sister without it leading to this.”

“No one disagrees with you, honey.” Athena patted his leg.

“Should I have handled it differently?”

“There were ways to handle it, but I don’t think any of them were right or wrong. But I definitely don’t think you needed to sacrifice the mental space you needed to recover to make her feel better about her lack of memory. The only fault I ever found in the whole situation was her inability to take a no that was really a ‘not now’ and deal with it. The fact that Howard cannot bear to let her be unhappy about anything is something that’s for others to deal with.”

She gave him a speaking look. “The prosecutor is going to take your wishes into consideration, I’m sure. If you’re uncooperative in regard to the case with Maddie, it will likely get dismissed. It may not even go much further than the summons because you’ll need to swear out an official complaint. In terms of Chimney, this essentially is a domestic violence case because you’re family, so they don’t necessarily need your cooperation, but it’d be easier. You’re going to have to think about what you want, what you can live with, and so on. The state can still charge him, even if you’re being uncooperative, but they’ll have a hard time successfully prosecuting, I think.”

“I don’t think I can work with him,” Buck said cautiously.

“No, definitely not,” Bobby said firmly. “He’d already pushed me a little too far. He’s been dodging mental health clearances for a while.”

Buck winced. “I’d had some conversations with the Chief about possibly moving full-time into SAR at some point. If I found a partner I clicked with.”

Bobby nodded. “SAR is a good fit for you. If you’re really interested in that path, let’s partner you and Jones when you’re back.”

Buck’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“His background is in SAR. Valley Bureau is overloaded with SAR calls, which is why we get so much overflow for Valley in West. They’ve been making the case to open a new SAR task force station in West so we can manage our own calls, but also be better equipped for Valley’s nonsense. You’d have to do some intensives at another station while construction was happening, but…the possibility is there if you want to stay at the 118.”

“I didn’t think that was even an option.”

Bobby gave a sad smile. “Turns out there are a few assets who won’t work with Chim, or so Alonzo tells me.”

“Bobby…”

“This is not on you, kid. At all. The department has let Chim’s issues slide for a long time, and it has done Chim no favors. Maybe we can arrange a do-over for him elsewhere. I don’t know. It depends on whether he can meet us halfway, I guess. Only time will tell. And your preferences on that are paramount. If you want to pursue full force prosecution, I’ll fully back you.”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“I know. But we’ll figure it out. Get better, go do your stint at the Academy so you don’t expire from terminal boredom. Spend some time with Jones and see if you two can work together. When you’re cleared, maybe we can send you two to 56 together. Or maybe up to the 82 in Valley to experience their hellish number of cliff and cave rescues—don’t even get me started on the sinkholes. Just know I’ll support you, okay?”

Buck nodded. “Thanks.”

Bobby and Athena left shortly thereafter since Bobby was still on shift and Athena wanted to go talk to Maddie.

To Buck’s surprise, Lou was still utterly conked out with his arm stretched out over Buck’s legs, and his head pillowed on his other arm.

Eddie drifted in with a small duffle and raised an eyebrow at sleeping Lou.

“He’s been working a triple homicide without a break for the last couple of days.”

Eddie took Athena’s vacated seat. “Brought you clothes, toiletries, and stuff. Basically just scaled down the bag from Carla’s.”

“Thanks.”

“De nada, man.” Eddie shook his head. “I’m sort of stunned.” He gave Buck a sad look. “But I can tell you’re not.”

Buck pursed his lips for a moment before replying. “You were always more willing to buy into the extreme duress thing when he went after Maddie than I was. I just let it go in the interests of peace.”

Eddie winced a bit. “Buck. That’s not what I—”

“Don’t. There’s no point in dredging it up. Or any of the times he’s verbally lashed out because Maddie’s in a snit.”

“And how often is that?”

Buck just raised one eyebrow and focused on rubbing gently from behind Lou’s ear across the back of his head. He’d mentioned once that his fatigue headaches tended to affect him more across the back of his head.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say nothing. It’s not your problem anymore, Eds,” he said gently. “I’m not trying to be cruel, but this isn’t new, and it’s going to be a long haul. I’m not going to be back at the station for six weeks at least, and Chim’s legal problems aren’t going away quickly either. You’re on your way to Texas. Don’t hold on to the stress of stuff you have no control over.”

“How am I supposed to not worry?”

“Well, I can’t really control your worries, I suppose,” Buck said with a smile.

Eddie relaxed back in the chair and nodded to Lou. “A cop, huh?”

“That better not be a judgy tone.”

“He’s a little older than you.”

“He’s younger than Tommy, and it’s really nobody’s business.” He felt a shift in Lou’s body tension, indicating that Lou was waking up. Though he turned his head subtly, seemingly indicating where he wanted his scalp rubbed. Buck focused on the base of the occipital bone.

“We just worry about you.”

“Not usually, not really. When something catastrophic happens, sure, but mostly everyone tells me how I make everything about myself every time I’m the tiniest bit upset about something and brushes off my feelings like they’re inconsequential. So, butting into my love life under the guise of ‘worry’ is only going to work from Carla and Athena, who I happen to know do worry about me. From the rest of you, I don’t buy it.”

Eddie blinked. “You think we don’t care about you?”

“Words matter, Eddie. Listen to the words I actually used. I said you don’t worry about me, and I don’t believe for a second that you do. As I said, when major shit goes down, which I’ll grant you, happens much too often, I get that everyone is worried for as long as I’m on life support or whatever, but then it’s back to being annoyed if I have feelings about something.”

“Buck.”

“We don’t need another blood letting, man. We covered a lot of ground today, and it helped a lot. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and it’s killed me the way we’ve drifted apart. But it’s a fact that I tend to emote when I’m upset, and you tend to shut down and stay self-contained, but I get faulted a lot for how I am.

“One of the consequences of people not liking my way of being is that you don’t actually express one bit of concern for me when it comes to daily life struggles. Like I said, if I’m dying, I know you guys care. Beyond that…I think my emotions are too much of a burden. It’s been like this for a while. And maybe we can talk about that sometime, but today is not that day. I’m tired, I’m in pain, and I’m done with the personal growth stuff.”

“Buck, I never wanted you to feel—”

“Eddie, please stop. I’m tired. For whatever reason, the way you, Bobby, Hen, or whoever handle your emotions is more acceptable than the way I handle mine. It is what it is. We’ll talk about it someday if you want, after you’ve had some time to think about it, but I just don’t want to have the conversation that you fret over my relationship choices the way you do over Christopher’s math homework. We both know you don’t. I’m going to sleep. Stay or go; I don’t care. I’m not trying to be difficult, but I’m too tired for this.

He rubbed more firmly at the back of Lou’s neck. “Come here.” He didn’t care that Eddie was still sitting there; he wanted to sleep, but he wanted his Lou first.

Lou practically slid up the hospital bed, giving credence that he’d been awake for a few minutes. He stopped when they were face-to-face, a few inches apart. “How are you?”

“I’m a hot mess right now, but nothing is permanently damaged.” He tugged Lou down into a brief, firm press of lips. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Lou huffed against his mouth, then backed off to brace above Buck again. “That took years off me.”

“I can only imagine how I’d react if it were you.” He touched Lou’s cheek. “A little extra sleep, a few more bruises to heal, and everything is fine, okay?”

“Yeah.” Lou kissed him again. “I’m going to get something from the vending machine and make a phone call, but I’ll be back. I’ll see what teas they have and let you know so I can get you something cold later.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, sweetheart. Give me a song.”

“Give It Everything.”

“Al Green. You do go there once the sun goes down. Or Sam Cooke.”

“Wilson Pickett,” Buck said, his eyes sliding shut.

~*~

Lou hovered in front of the vending machine, trying to decide which bottled coffee drink would have less sugar. They all looked awful.

“How long have you two been together?” Diaz asked from behind him.

He’d known someone was waiting behind him, and he wasn’t all that surprised that Diaz had followed him from the room. “Not all that long, actually. We’ve been talking awhile, though. He had some stuff to sort out before we could start dating.”

“He mentioned you wanted him to get clear about his feelings for me.”

Lou turned and raised an eyebrow. “Yes. He clearly is deeply invested in you. If it were platonic, I could live with that. If he was carrying a torch for someone who could never love him, I didn’t want to get in deep in that kind of emotional quagmire.”

“You can’t always choose who you love.”

“Well, that’s certainly true.” Lou cocked his head to the side. “Did you need something? Because I’m not going to stand in the corridor trying to figure out what you want.”

Diaz ran his hands through his hair. “The comments you made in the hospital have a different tone to them now that I know you’re dating him.”

Lou stared. “Do they? Interesting. What can I do for you, Mr. Diaz?”

Diaz sighed. “It’s just Eddie.”

“What can I do for you, Eddie?”

Diaz huffed. “It’s just really hard to be leaving tomorrow with all of this going on.” He made a broadly encompassing gesture. “Again.”

“Again?”

Diaz shook his head. “I just…” He sighed and looked around, finding the corridor empty save for the two of them. “Buck has always been willing to get in my face and tell me when he thought I was wrong. Like, no matter what. But it’s always obvious it’s out of care and love. I never doubted his motivations. And that changed sometime in the last few months. Not that I don’t think he cares, but he’s definitely stopped…” He trailed off, looking unsure how to put the words together.

“Getting all up in your business?”

“That’s as good a way to put it as any, I guess. I can’t even really pinpoint the exact moment, but it probably is sometime around the moment Chris left. If he said anything to me at all, I questioned his motivations.” He shook his head. “So, he stopped saying anything to me.”

“Okay. What’s your point?”

“My point is that I realized I never did the same for him. I’d get in his face, but only when I was mad, and it really struck me tonight the difference. Buck is adept at brushing off anything said to him in anger. I think. I’m not sure. I know he doesn’t like people coming at him when they’re angry, but it’s like the words said, he somehow manages to let them go, no matter how ugly they are.”

Lou’s eyes narrowed.

“Anyway, it hit me that I tend to be more likely to support a decision, regardless of whether I agree, than challenge him, even if I think he’s wrong. If it’s about his personal life, that is.”

“Can you give me an example?”

Diaz gave a mirthless laugh. “Like when Chim has been violent with him in the past, I didn’t think Buck should actually let it go, but he wanted everything to return to how it was. So, we sat on it, and I supported him. I didn’t even challenge him a little bit, even though I didn’t agree. I just nodded along and agreed to pretend like it had never happened. Now, he has a totally false impression of how I felt about it.”

“It?” Lou pressed.

“Chim blamed Buck for something related to Maddie leaving when she had postpartum depression. He sucker punched Buck and left him with a fractured cheekbone.”

Lou’s eyebrows shot up. “Nash know?”

“I think he wondered, but Buck refused to tell anyone what had really happened. Hen and Maddie eventually found out because Chim told them himself. It might not have done any good, but I just wish I’d at least tried to tell him what I really thought. Maybe Chim would be in another job now, and this would have been less likely to happen.”

Lou was barely holding his temper, recognizing that Diaz wasn’t the one responsible for what had happened. And, in some ways, he was as brainwashed by the “family” dynamic of his job environment as Evan was. The idea that you’re hurting the family, therefore you put up with abuse, was old.

“Tell me,” Lou began slowly, “what are the odds that Evan will stick with pursuing charges?”

“Against his sister or Chimney?”

“Mostly Chimney, but let’s go with either?”

“The issue is his sister, right? If she wasn’t in the picture, pretty sure Chim would have been up on charges the last time he hit Buck.” Diaz shrugged. “I don’t have a good answer for you.”

Lou nodded. “Okay, then, I have a favor to ask.”

Diaz looked surprised. “Okay…?”

~*~

After making a few phone calls and definitely crossing some lines in his relationship with Evan, Lou watched Evan sleep, wrestling with his need to take over and make it better.

The depth of his own freakout about Evan being hurt again had stunned him more than a little, but he was rolling with it.

It was nearing three in the morning when Evan stirred and winced, rolled from his back to his good side, which had him now facing Lou. He blinked a few times, then smiled. “You’re still here.”

“Yep.”

Evan reached out, and Lou readily took his hand. “You should go home and get some real sleep. Everyone knows I’m okay; I think the doctor is just being super cautious about internal tearing of Dr. Willis’ careful work, even though the CT scan was fine. I’m going home in…” he glanced at the clock, “probably six hours.”

“Evan, hush.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Evan’s soft lips. “I’m where I want to be.”

Evan smiled, then he seemed to register that there were the softest hints of music from his own phone. “Back to Sam Cooke…”

“You sleep better when music is playing.”

“I slept best that one afternoon with you,” he mused, closing his eyes and tucking his head against the pillow.

Lou let his hand rest on the side of Evan’s face, feeling the rasp of stubble on his jaw, the soft skin under his eye. “You going back to sleep?”

“Basking, thank you, good sir.” His lips tipped up in a gentle smile.

“If you’re not sleepy for the moment, can we talk?”

Evan’s eyes flicked open immediately. “Something wrong?”

“No, but also yes. Let me preface this by saying that my freakout when I heard you’d been hurt unnerved me a little. I feel like you’re my everything, and for how long I’ve known you, that’s an unsettling thought.”

Evan’s expression softened. “Lou…”

“I figure I have two choices: go on guard and pull back or just roll with it and hope I’m not running into a wall ACME style.”

Evan held on tighter to his hand. “Please don’t pull back from me. How present you are, how honest you are… God, Lou. I have the same worries myself. I wake up so happy and wonder if it’s possible to be in love with someone you’ve known for two weeks, then fifteen days, sixteen days, seventeen days. Now it’s been eighteen days. I ask myself, when is it enough days for it to be enough to justify how I feel.”

Lou huffed a little laugh and then kissed Evan quickly because he couldn’t help himself. “How’d you know what to make for dinner when you brought it the other it the other night?”

Evan frowned. “You told me.”

“Not really, not in any kind of ‘here’s how to construct a perfect meal’ kind of words.”

“No, but when we talked about stakeouts, you said everyone always gets sandwiches, but you always get burritos because you really don’t like anything but fresh bread, and only soft breads at that. And then when we were talking about workouts, you mentioned liking grains a lot, especially as a protein source in the evening. When we talked about Eddie moving to Texas, you said the only good thing about Texas was the food and the melons, that Texas had the best melons and melons were your favorites. And when you—”

Lou cut him off with another kiss.

Looking a little dazed, Evan added, “You told me.”

“It was just conversation. But you listened and cared enough to hear what I was saying about myself.”

Evan frowned.

“You’re so precious to me, and I don’t want to fuck things up with us—”

“What? Lou, we’re fine.”

“You’re not going to follow through on charges on Howard Han, are you?”

Evan blinked at the left turn. “I don’t know… I was given to understand the state can pursue those charges no matter what.”

“They can, but without a cooperative victim and witness, it will get dropped.”

“What are you saying?”

“What will you do for your sister? Are you going to let this go when she cries, or try to make this better for her?”

Evan winced, then squeezed his eyes shut.

“Please just tell me what you’re thinking. We’re always honest with one another. I don’t need you to filter or give me what you think I want to hear. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

Evan met his gaze, blue eyes swimming with tears. “If it were just Chim, I wouldn’t care. I’d push the prosecutor for the harshest charges possible. But my sister makes it complicated. I fear no matter what I do, she’s never going to forgive me. She’s going to blame me. Even if he gets off with no charges, the fact that he was arrested will be my fault. I’ve already refused to work with him, and I’m pretty sure Bobby is removing him from the 118. The LAFD is probably going to fire him for cause. I’ll get the blame for that too.

“So, my relationship with my sister is torched, whether Chim is charged or not. Which means I’ve probably lost my relationship with my niece.” His jaw muscles flexed. “Another kid out of my life.” He took a shaky breath. “I’m so tired of this. I let it go once already.”

“I know. When he punched you.”

“You heard about that?”

“Mm.”

“I wonder if any of that was the right thing. Because Maddie is going to be mad at me anyway, is she better off with or without Chimney? Should she be with a violent man? Is that my call to make? I just don’t know. I don’t know.” He squeezed Lou’s hand like it was a lifeline. “How do I sort out what I’m feeling? I can’t possibly have what I want when my sister is going to blame me no matter what I do.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry.” He let their foreheads rest together, breath mingling between them. “Can I ask something I have no right to ask?”

“I’d give you a lot right now…” Evan said with a watery laugh.

“Will you go with Eddie to Texas? Just for the drive. You’ll go slow, stay a few days, fly back when you’re ready?”

Evan pulled back enough to stare at him, blinking furiously in confusion. “What?”

“Let me, Athena, and your captain try to find a resolution. You’re already reconciled to the worst possible outcome, so go where it’s safe. Go be with your friend and keep sorting out the most significant relationship of your life thus far. Maybe that way it can be healthy going forward. Han is going to be out on bond tomorrow, and we need to cool the situation down. Will you give us a few days to do that?”

“With no input from me?”

Lou shook his head. “You’ll just have to trust that those of us here who care about you know what your wishes will be and will respect them as much as possible.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times. Then he went silent, looking thoughtful. “Did Eddie agree to a road trip buddy?”

“He did. He thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Okay.”

“No one will know except Athena. We’ll tell Bobby afterward. I’ll take you to Eddie’s house in your vehicle tomorrow to say goodbye when everyone else is there. Then drive you to meet him at a truck stop on the 10.”

“You think that subterfuge is necessary?”

“I think I want to be cautious when someone is out on bond who was willing to sit in your home in the dark for hours so he could attack you?”

“Hours?”

“Security cameras show he’d been there for almost three hours. That’s a lot of time to simmer and not find any way to regulate his own emotions. If he decides to follow you, I want to know about it.”

“All right. Travel stealth is your department.”

“Good.” He pressed a kiss to the corner of Evan’s mouth. “Thank you.”

“You’re going to wind up being wrong, I think.”

“About what?”

“You called my relationship with Eddie the most significant of my life. It has been, and it’s certainly a defining friendship, but, Lou, you’ve felt like my person since we talked about blues. Give the calendar time to catch up with my heart, and you’re going to be the most formative relationship for me.”

“Stop it. Honestly.” He kissed Evan breathless. “You make me lose my mind.”

Evan grinned against his mouth. “I look forward to driving you crazy.”

“Mission already accomplished.”

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