Reading Time: 116 Minutes

Title: Seeking Sanctuary
Series: Priceless
Series Order: 1
Author: SASundance
Fandom: NCIS, Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, Criminal Minds; JAG
Genre: Crime Drama, Crossover, Episode Related, Science Fiction
Relationship(s): Radek Zelenka/Miko Kusanagi
Content Rating: R
Warnings: Rape/Non-con/Dub-con, Slavery, Torture, Violence – Graphic, Violence – Domestic and/or Against Children , Violence – graphic, offscreen torture, discussions of past and offscreen rape/non-con, issues around the loss of free will, loss of bodily autonomy, mind control, past murder, discussions of miscarriage and abortion, discussions of slavery and implications of mind control, non-consensual drug use, discussion of past domestic violence, discussion of canon vaccination and future vaccination programs, discussion of past canon unethical medical experimentation, character bashing (Elizabeth Weir and Ziva David). Not friendly to: McKay, Gibbs, Keller, McGee, Vance. (Note: slavery, mind control, autonomy issues are related to canon events)
Beta: Aussiefan70
Word Count: 58,000
Summary: It was the final straw for Anthony DiNozzo when a shadowy group called the Trust had tried to kidnap Tali, seeking to turn her into a lab rat, all because they has a weird mutant gene that allowed them to control alien technology. Then there was the ambiguity of whether Ziva David was really dead; they’d been fooled once before, and Tony vowed his daughter would not get swept up in the machinations of two generations of the David family’s heritage. Now he was on the run from the Trust, with nowhere safe on earth for them; he did what any responsible and desperate parent would do. He ran; all the way to the Pegasus galaxy, seeking sanctuary from those who sought to destroy them.
Artist: AngelicInsanity

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Chapter 7 Beware of Unknown Travellers

After leaving Dr O’Shea’s office following the gruelling second session speaking about Ziva and by extension, the others on his old NCIS team, he groaned. Tony felt like he’d been kicked in the guts or possibly a little lower than that. Hoping to distract himself, not wanting to wallow in a pity-fest or become maudlin he headed back to his own office, determined to finish setting up his desk and filing cabinets.

He thought back to the bullpen at NCIS with its spiced-pumpkin-coloured walls and couldn’t help comparing it adversely with the breathtaking ocean views on Atlantis and the light airiness of his office. Once he had additional staff, he would need different accommodation but for now, his office was more than adequate. Glancing at the time, he calculated that he still had roughly forty minutes before he needed to collect Tali who was hanging out with Kazumi and her mother Miko.

Picking up the off-world mission report from John Shepard’s team on the last mission they’d been on before he disappeared, he began to read the reports from the remaining team members. He picked up the one from Teyla Emmagan first. He knew from reading prior reports that McKay’s were highly technical and filled with jargon, not always useful unless you were after details related to science, while Ronon’s were as taciturn as the writer. He wasn’t quite as monosyllabic as Gibbs but came close. Of course, English wasn’t his native language, so Tony was willing to cut him a little slack.

According to what he’d already gleaned, they’d been on a planet designated as M2S-181 in the Ancient database but known to the Pegasus people as Croya. It had a marketplace that the team had visited before, as had several other teams over the years. With so many people coming to the market, Tony figured it was a good place to intercept someone, or for a person to voluntarily disappear, he reminded himself. He needed to keep an open mind at this stage!

According to Teyla their reason for going to Croya was that there’d been chatter overheard by an ally about someone there claiming to know the location of a bunch of abandoned technology left behind by The Ancestors (the people of Pegasus’ name for the Ancients/Lanteans). It supposedly included two jumpers (small spacecraft) and a zero-point module (Ancients’ power sources) which were always desperately required to fully actualise the city, its shields, and defences. ZPMs were also required to fly the three Ancient warships the Earth contingent stumbled across and salvaged in the past two years. Since the Wraith’s number had reduced significantly, there was more time for exploration and their discovery of Ancient tech had increased dramatically. It seemed that the salvage of the three Ancient warships had infuriated one of the Travellers called Larrin and as Tony already knew from skim reading the mission reports for the fourth year of the expedition, Shepard had a rather acrimonious run in with her over the salvage of another Ancient warship.

Larrin belonged to a large group of humans who called themselves the Travellers who, many generations before, had looked to survive the Wraith by living aboard large ships and travelling around Pegasus. She had been tenaciously searching for the Ancient warships for months. Unlike most races in Pegasus who had negative population growth problems, thanks to centuries of Wraith culling attacks, the Travellers had thrived and now faced a population explosion with not enough room to house their people. They were constantly searching for new vessels to house their ever-expanding population. But in this instance, Sheppard and his team had stumbled across the warships first,  quite literally by accident.

A-1 had been out on a mission to investigate a new element similar in some ways to Naquadah on an uninhabited planet. It had the scientists all in a tizzy, including McKay and Zelenka, and while scanning for the new element, their scanner had picked up residual energy readings from the warships. Voila they were the proud owners of three new million-year-old Ancient warships. Once Larrin discovered she’d missed out on such a valuable bounty, she had accused them of taking what rightfully belonged to her people. She insisted that her people had the more moral claim to own and use the ships since the Travellers were of the Pegasus galaxy and besides, they were fast running out of resources aboard their ships. Although it was a flawed argument and hadn’t succeeded, the ill-feeling over the Ancient warships could provide some sort of a clue or possible motive.

He would ponder the possibilities later but right now, he placed Larrin individually, and her people collectively on the pile of possible suspects in Colonel Shepard’s disappearance. Tony went back to reading Teyla’s account of the mission to Croya, she detailed the search for intel about the mysterious trader who was said to be trying to trade the Ancient technology. McKay had been excited about additional ZPMs since he expressed the opinion that with the Wraith still in Pegasus but less of a threat at this point, they couldn’t have too many of the power sources. Teyla documented that Sheppard was hoping that the additional jumpers would be functioning since they’d lost almost half of their fleet since their arrival. They were down to seventeen of the highly manoeuvrable space vehicles, which were capable of carrying a team of up to eight people when necessary.

While highly attractive to the Atlantis expeditionary forces, the jumpers were only able to be flown by those individuals who had the ATA gene, either occurring naturally or in the individuals who possessed its dormant expression and undergone gene therapy to activate it. It reminded Tony that he (and Tali) would be capable of flying a jumper as they both had the ATA gene. It was certainly not something he’d have ever considered possible before the Trust decided that his daughter was going to be their personal Ancient tech activator but the thought of flying a jumper partly made up for having to leave his car back on earth.

Of course, the Trust and the so-called rogue elements of the NID had thought it would be a cakewalk to snatch Tali DiNozzo from her single father. Sure, he was a former navy cop, but they’d underestimated him. They’d undoubtedly considered that after fifteen years at NCIS, he’d never managed to rise above the rank of senior field agent within a parochial federal agency, where competition for promotion was not exactly fierce. Tony had interrogated a minion of the Trust who he’d captured during the second abduction attempt, and the kidnapper told him that they’d concluded that even a barely competent agent should have attained a senior supervisory rank within 15 years, something Tony had never achieved. Fortunately, their willingness to underestimate him, as many people had over the years, beginning with the head of a major mafia family (to Mike’s detriment) helped ensure he was able to thwart both attempted abductions to seize Tali.

Initially Tony had no idea that the Trust and the NID (sorry, rogue elements of the NID) had set their sights on Tali and were willing to do anything to gain custody of her, but he had been constantly on guard, knowing the sort of enemies that the David family attracted. Eli and Ziva, not to mention Ari Haswari had offended far too many people in the intelligence and counterintelligence community, not to mention their vast network of criminal informants, moles, and mercenaries. No doubt many of these ‘upstanding individuals’ viewed Tali as a bargaining chip in obtaining the David family’s secret dossiers. Those dossiers offered up rich blackmail possibilities in monetary and non-monetary terms, and which were reputed by some to be still out there for the taking.

Although former CIA operative turned rogue contractor for hire, Trent Kort had been hired to destroy the files by blowing up the David’s’ farmhouse where Ziva supposedly died. However, there was still speculation as to whether the files in question had been destroyed. Tony was perfectly willing to believe Kort could have removed the dossiers for his private extortion plot in the future and the destroyed farmhouse would lead credence to the story they’d been destroyed.

The irony was that even if they had been destroyed, there would always be rumours and conspiracy theories about whether they’d survived the fire. That’s if they’d ever been in the farmhouse in the first place, but this was the paranoid nature of those in the spy business and both Ziva and Eli had been prime examples of paranoia. Tony was dubious that they would store them where everyone believed them to be.

Which was why he’d understood that for Tali, as the granddaughter of Eli David, former Director of Mossad, and the daughter of Ziva, Eli’s protégé and personal spy, realistically, there could be no expectation of her living her life without a degree of security that a humble citizen wouldn’t tolerate. Luckily for Tali DiNozzo, people had regarded her father as a clown and a fool. The fact he’d managed to survive an attack by a homicidal Kidon assassin had been put down to sheer unadulterated good luck.

While it was obvious that the Trust had seriously underestimated him, DiNozzo had been constantly on guard, anticipating that someone would make a move on the little girl and had prepared accordingly. The fact it had come in the shape of some rogue businesspeople and disaffected spies wanting to take over the universe had certainly caught him off guard. He most definitely didn’t have that on his bingo card, but he wasn’t unprepared. Taking precautions had just become his new normal after Tali arrived in his life and was why they’d managed to escape both attempts, if not exactly unscathed, neither of them was seriously injured either.

Still, Tony was a pragmatist, having been effectively disowned when he was twelve, he’d learnt incredibly early on to be self-reliant. Being a realist had been a necessary part of his growing up to be a sane and productive individual.

Tony also knew that the next time that The Trust came for Tali, they would not underestimate him a third time. Getting the upper hand against these people once could be excused as a fluke, twice was no fluke, statistically, it pointed to there being hidden skills or people behind him. He had no intention of them learning it was a bit from column A, mixed in with column B, which had prevented them from getting control of Tali DiNozzo. He knew the only option open to them was to disappear into protective custody but having worked undercover on various Mafia stings, he knew that WitSec programs were flawed at best. With the Trust intent on getting hold of his little girl, there really and truly was nowhere left on Earth where she was safe.

He shut down the thoughts that the Pegasus galaxy wasn’t exactly safe either, with its Aliens who sucked the lifeforce out of humans, nanotech replicators, and other potentially hostile races. At least, Atlantis seemed to be relatively safe compared to even five years ago. Their reserves of ZPM units ensured that the city/starship had adequate shields and defences to protect itself unless they tried any more of their crazy stunts, such as antimatter bridges. More importantly, aside from a bomb and a Goa’uld infiltrating one key individual some years ago, the Trust had been unable to get a foothold in the city because it was so far away from the Milky Way solar system.

For now, maybe forever, Tali’s future would be here on Atlantis and Tony had given himself a personal mission to ensure that this place was the safest it could be. Never in a million years had he envisaged himself as the head of a law enforcement agency that would help not only protect the citizens of Atlantis, but also the other races that lived in the Pegasus galaxy. No one but General Jack O’Neill and Tony knew the true scope of what they had planned.

At present, it was enough for the powers that be to know that he’d been empowered to set up a joint military/civilian investigative and enforcement bureau. He would get people accustomed to what was effectively a gloried agent afloat. He intended to use the excuse of investigating Colonel Sheppard’s disappearance to assess all aspects of Atlantis security, conducting security risk assessments and making recommendations to General O’Neill at Homeworld Command.

Hopefully, he would be able to figure out exactly what happened to Colonel Sheppard, too. His intuition was telling him that the most likely scenario was that someone had abducted him, and the motive was likely revenge or to use the colonel to gain access to Atlantis. Of course, the fact remained that he could have fallen ill or had some sort of accident but given that the team had been lured to M2S 181 and the Croyan marketplace in search of intel that was in all likelihood fake, Tony’s gut was saying otherwise.

Looking at his clock, he sighed, knowing that it was time to collect Tali for some lunch.

After lunch in their quarters of Tali’s favourite peanut butter sandwich, OJ and chocolate pudding, they took a brisk walk, Tony piggybacking the little girl on the way back home when she grew tired. Gathering her coloured pencils and colouring-in books, he took her into the office with him so he could continue investigating the Travellers, particularly Larrin, who had gotten violent with Sheppard more than once during their initial encounter. Even when he saved her life after a Wraith nearly killed her, she hadn’t hesitated to stun him which was some weird-ass idea of reciprocity in Tony’s book. So, he was reasonably confident that in her mind, beating them out of gaining control of the previous three Aurora Class battleships would be justification for her to get even with him. Perhaps she told herself that their loss could be the difference between her peoples’ very existence and extinction so, even if relations were better between the two groups, greed and desperation often were the cause of crimes of passion.

According to mission reports, the well-endowed Larrin was extremely passionate about her people and their survival. Tony was fairly certain that there was still lingering ill-will for Sheppard’s role in the death of her two operatives, Silas and Nevik. Mind you, Larrin’s adversarial and extremely aggressive attack on Colonel Sheppard’s jumper and abducting him, interrogating him, and beating him could easily classify as an act of war. It definitely justified him defending himself and trying to escape from the trio. Her decision to abduct  him was solely responsible for the debacle which unfolded: Nevik and Silas’ unnecessary deaths, the fight with the Wraith who’d intercepted Sheppard’s SOS signal and boarded the Ancient warship and Larrin’s near-death by the feeding hand of the wraith. Rather than experiencing remorse for her actions, accepting responsibility for her men’s deaths, and feeling gratitude that John Shepard had saved her life, the Traveller dared to blame the Colonel for everything that had gone wrong.

Honestly, reading her berating of Colonel Shepard, her lack of logic and her utter arrogance reminded him of criminals Tony had caught and charged. It also reminded him of a certain Israeli assassin too. The lack of insight that any reasonable person, taken against their will, physically beaten, harshly interrogated, and their life threatened, would not cooperate, and would try to find any means of escape was frankly stunning. To blame Sheppard for not trusting her to let him go as she promised if he did what she asked, showed a breathtaking lack of empathy.

As a profiler, it suggested someone who was extremely stunted emotionally, and Tony had no trouble putting her up there on the whiteboard as a plausible suspect. To be honest, her ranting sounded close enough to the shit that mass murders and serial killers spewed as justification for their crimes.

She’d turned on a sob fest about how her people were growing too big and needed more ships to survive. How they’d been forced to chuck people out of their group and leave them behind on planets, which was somehow supposed to justify why she couldn’t take a chance and politely ask him for help like a normal functioning adult. Luckily, even if his hormones had interfered with Sheppard’s brain, allowing her to get the drop on him, her bullshit excuse for being an intergalactic terrorist hadn’t brainwashed him. Seduce your mark – yeah shades of Ziva and her Kidon training for sure!

So, Tony intended to talk to Lieutenant Colonel Lorne, who was in CO of the military in Shepard’s absence and the chief of base security, Captain Cadman about how they could investigate Larrin asap since she was a strong suspect at the moment. For all they knew, she might be using the Colonel as some sort of Ancient tech detector. He didn’t know if it was possible or not, but that might not matter if Larrin or whoever had him believed it was possible.

He noted automatically that Radek had dealings with one of the Travellers’ ships – not Larrin’s, a Captain Katanna Labrea and a teenage engineer, who helped to save Rodney McKay, Daniel Jackson, and the Pegasus stargates. He resolved to talk to Zelenka and get his thoughts about the group, maybe when they visited tonight.

Tali had invited Kazumi Zelenka and her parents, plus Torren Emmagan and his parents to their quarters after dinner for a movie night to watch her favourite movie, The Little Mermaid. The third member of her peer group, Felix Girard had been unceremoniously uninvited after having a spat the day before. He called her a dumbhead when she spoke to him in a jumble of English, French and Hebrew, as she did occasionally when excited or tired. He’d laughed at her and told her she was a baby who couldn’t talk properly.

Unfortunately, Tali had the combined stubbornness of not only the Davids but the DiNozzos too. Despite Tony talking to her about it not being nice to uninvite someone and leaving someone out of a group event wasn’t a kind thing to do, she was obdurate. She refused to back down. She’d given him a gimlet stare, telling him it wasn’t kind to call someone a dumbhead and a baby. Her fiery expression confirmed that Felix really was on Tali’s shit list right now. Even if he were to attend, her lack of forgiveness would just make it awkward for everyone, so he gave in.

In a day or so he would revisit the life lesson he was trying to instil in her and share his experience of social exclusion from a certain team dinner not long after Ziva joined the team all those years ago. She’d claimed it was because he was immature, and she’d wanted to have a pleasant dinner that he would spoil it with his juvenile antics. A bit like her excuse for turning down the mic she and McGee were supposed to be listening to should he need assistance on the Military at Home case – because he was so annoying.

To be honest, Tony had his own theory about why he’d been excluded from that extended team dinner back when she first joined the MCRT. After Cate Todd’s violent death left a vacancy on the team, which Ziva and her father had been quick to take advantage of, she had been trying to divide and conquer the already shattered team. Presumably so that she would be at the centre of the team, pulling everyone’s strings. Ziva David – the puppet master!

Tony hoped that Tali wasn’t her mother’s daughter when it came to mind games and psyops, he fervently didn’t want her to inherit that particularly manipulative characteristic. He might possess a myriad of masks, but he used them as self-protection, not to intentionally inflict psychological harm on others to make himself feel good. While he agreed that Felix had been unkind to make fun of Tali, he was only five and although his mother was from a French-Canadian family, she only spoke English. It was likely that Tali’s explanation had sounded like gibberish to the tactless kid.

As he pondered over his daughter’s social skills, he decided that the making lemonade out of lemons aspect of Tali’s tantrum was that in addition to being able to talk to Radek about the Travellers, it would give him a chance to get to know Teyla and Kanaan too. So far, he hadn’t had much contact with the Athosians, and Teyla was Sheppard’s teammate, and it was crucial to interview her but getting a chance to observe her socially first would be invaluable. Since she wasn’t from Earth, he had no way of knowing if she had similar tells or not. Spending time with her in a social setting would help him learn more about her and the Athosian people.

When he put a sleepy Tali to bed after her first movie night watching the Little Mermaid with her friends, he thought back on their attempts at entertaining. Tony appeared to have committed his very own faux pas with the Athosian couple when he asked was John a common name with their people. Kanaan, who wasn’t exactly an outgoing guy, had shut right down. Teyla, outwardly calm, as she explained that her son’s middle name was after John Sheppard saw her casting subtle glances at her mate that Tony felt wasn’t normal. Still, he wasn’t fluent in Athosian intimacy rituals for couples so perhaps it was something normal to their culture and not weird at all. Of course, the way that Miko and Radek had stiffened and sought to change the subject hurriedly persuaded him that there might be something odd going on after all.

Fortunately, Tali, Kazumi and Torren had a fun time together, and she was already planning another movie night, this time to watch Finding Nemo, which, considering their location also seemed rather apropos. Hopefully, before the next time he could persuade her to invite Felix along too. It stuck in his craw that Felix had been excluded, even if he’d been a little shit. Tony knew that it hurt when he was left out of team stuff like Ziva’s dinner party or knowing about Tim’s contact to score tickets to concerts and shows. He couldn’t help wondering if they’d all gone to a show without him, he wouldn’t put it past them.

After he’d read Tali a quick bedtime story, watching her fall asleep as he finished, he sat on her bed, rubbing her back as she fell into a deeper sleep. Hopefully, tonight would be a peaceful night and the nightmares would stay away. As he slipped out of the room, switching on the nightlight that had once again become something that she needed when she woke up from her bad dreams, he decided that he’d have a quick word to the Lantean artificial intelligence program aka Janae Progenius. There were a couple of things he wanted to ask him and now seemed like as good a time as any to ask, before something else distracted him.

(Hey, Janae, are you able to talk to me for a while?)

(I am available to converse with you, my defender.)

(Thanks. That would be great.)

(What do you wish to speak about, Alexander?)

(The other day when we discussed you choosing a name, you said you chose not to speak with the Ancients who returned. Which Ancients were you referring to?)

(I meant Helia, the captain of the warship Tria, and her crew and also, Chaya Sar, the Ascended Ancient who was permanently exiled on Proculus by the other ascended Ancients for interfering with matters of humanity,) Janae said.

(Ah I see. I’m going to have to get caught up on who they are, but they were Ancient, right?)

Janae replied (That is correct. I will send those mission reports to your tablet, Alexander.)

(Okay, that would be great. But here’s my other question before we adjourn, because I need to go and get to bed. You said that I was the only one you have spoken to because aside from the Ancients, no one else has the Alteran communication gene. But when we exited the stargate that first day, you told me that Tali had it too. So why haven’t you talked to her?)

(While she has the gene, it will not be fully activated, enabling me to communicate with her as I do with you until she is older. Her brain needs to be more mature and requires certain chemical messengers for it to be activated and that will not occur for another 8 to 10 Terreuan years.)

Tony figured Janae was talking about puberty and sex hormones and felt a huge sense of relief that Tali still had time to just be a little kid for quite a few more years. He didn’t think that a child who had already had to deal with so much crap was ready to deal with the concept of an AI. Especially one that would be impossible to verify actually existed.

Plus, if she were to slip and tell someone she heard voices in her head, that could be a problem. While she was little, it could be explained away as a typical imaginary friend but in a year or two that wouldn’t wash. He had no intention of Tali earning herself a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

Chapter 8 What’s in a Name

Tony dropped Tali off for her morning playdate with Kazumi, this time Radek was going to be watching the two girls, who’d swiftly become the best of friends. Tony was thinking about his last couple of conversations with Janae Progenius. The AI, having chosen his own name, was now proving to be incredibly fussy about how he was addressed. Not only did he wish to be addressed by both names, but he had given Tony several demonstrations on the correct pronunciation of his name. Janae had the inflection on the J and the N, so it sounded… Ja (little a) Nae (long a) while Pro (long o) ge (little e) ne (long e) ius (oos) had four syllables. Tony did his best to pronounce it the way the AI wanted, but either J.P. was a tyrant, or else Janae Progenius was trolling him. He couldn’t figure out which.

Even more funny was the commentary re multiple names. Tony was still cracking up over his comments about Dr McKay having four names. Despite his sophistication and ability to perform incredibly complex algorithms in the blink of an eye, there was an artlessness about the AI when it came to certain areas…like his name. Tony wasn’t sure if it had been that he’d had changed his name and Tali’s for WitSec purposes, which gave J.P. the idea it was possible. It could also have been a natural and organic evolution in his development. Tony smirked, remembering their talk, or it could just have been he hated the moniker HAL that DiNozzo gave him when they first met.

Still, it was quite sweet that a ten-thousand-year-old computer program, when it came to identity, reached remarkably similar conclusions to a five-year-old child. He just hoped that J.P. skipped the teenage years. Tony didn’t want to imagine what it would be like dealing with a petulant know-it-all teenager, let alone one that was too damned smart for Atlantis’ good.

He thought back to the discussion he’d had with Tali after deciding that changing their names was necessary. He’d been extremely anxious, but it hadn’t been as difficult a conversation as he expected.

Flashback:

“Tali, can we talk, sweetie?”

“Yes Papa, I just want to finish colouring in Ariel’s scales.”

He smiled indulgently at Tali, she was intensely focused on the Little Mermaid colouring book that Lavinia, wife of his cousin Crispian had bought her yesterday. Skye had a Charlotte’s Web book and Aiden had got a Disney Cars colouring book. Tali had adored it because right at the moment, The Little Mermaid was her favourite movie. Sometimes she even joked about changing her name to Ariel. This was not happening for a variety of reasons, chiefly being that the first three letters were the same as her dead uncle – the triple agent who killed Caitlin Todd.

Still, as reluctant as he was to have this talk, they were about to go into protective custody because he was a realist and knew that Tali presented just too much of a target to the Trust. He now knew that they were a shadowy group of rogue government and former government officials and politicians and that included intelligence operatives, mercenaries, CEOs of multinational corporations and aliens. ALIENS! For the love of mike. And in keeping with the fact this cabal of sociopathic rogues was interplanetary, it also had members and cells in every corner of the populated Milky Way galaxy. There was nowhere for them to hide that was outside the reach of the Trust unless they wanted to permanently reside in the North or South pole.

Thankfully, an unlikely US Air Force General came riding to their rescue and offered them a lifeline in a permanent posting to Atlantis. It was a huge risk and Tony, having secured information about the star city so far away from Earth, had agonised long and hard about it. It wasn’t safe, although a lot safer than it had been eight years ago when the first expeditionary force arrived there. On the other hand, it wasn’t safe for them on Earth, thanks to the Trust, which initially began as a rogue offshoot of the NID, rapidly morphing into a mass-headed Hydra, all but impossible to kill. Then again, even ignoring the huge threat it posed, turns out that Earth hadn’t exactly been safe from almost certain annihilation, this past decade or more. Tony discovered they’d squeaked through by the skin of their teeth more than a dozen times at least, without most of the Earth  inhabitants having a clue.

So perhaps Atlantis wasn’t that dangerous, all things considered. There would be other kids for her there, a few even her age and some of them had Earth parents. It was better by far than hiding out in Antarctica. Plus, there were other Ancient gene holders there so they wouldn’t be genetic abnormalities and she could have a modicum of normal childhood without constantly looking over her shoulder. He’d hashed it all out with a few trusted people, his cousin Crispian and his wife Lavinia and seriously, who’d have believed he would count Crispian as someone he’d trust. Yet the jerk who’d forced him to pay back a loan that his Uncle Clive had never intended to be repaid, had grown up a lot since then, partially because of Lavinia’s influence.

The other trusted person he’d discussed the situation with ad nauseum was General Jack O’Neill who understood completely where he was coming from. He’d disclosed that he’d lost his own adored little boy to a tragically negligent accident with his service revolver. Jack was certainly Tali’s biggest ally, declaring protecting the life of a child was their number one priority – the rest, the search for Colonel Sheppard, the future of Atlantis re the base security and establishing proper law and order, all that were secondary to keeping her safe and happy. He’d even promised to locate a suitable nanny for her (one with black ops training) to ensure she stayed safe, even out in the Pegasus galaxy.

In some ways, Jack reminded him of Gibbs, both having lost their families in tragic circumstances. It was clear to him that both had a Black Ops background and were tough sons of bitches and damned fine military men, but the resemblances stopped there. Gibbs was arrogant and thought his way was always right and if you didn’t agree with him, you were a stupid idiot, wrong and disloyal. Jack never needed a rule 51 (sometimes you’re wrong) because he freely admitted that he didn’t have all the answers. He also didn’t have a problem taking advice, and he was ready to listen to those people who did have answers. From what Tony could see, he’d surrounded himself with some of the best and brightest people – military and civilian.

Tony had met some of the people he’d had on his old team, General Carter, and Dr Jackson, although he hadn’t encountered the Jaffar warrior Master Teal’c yet. Maybe one day he would.

“Papa, Papa,” an exasperated voice pulled him back to reality. “You said you wanted to talk to me,” Tali said, a tone of voice reminding him that sometimes the apple didn’t fall far from the maternal tree.

Smiling at her, he took a deep breath and remembered that this was about making sure she got to have a safe life, where she could grow up in a somewhat normal fashion.

He took her hand. “Come and sit with me on the sofa, Tootsie Pie, we have to talk.”

“Papa, I’ve told you before, my name’s not Tootsie Pie, it’s Tali.”

He chuckled. “I know that Baby Girl, but I do want to talk to you about names. You do know that we often have more than one name, don’t you?”

“Of course, I do. We have a first name and a last name. Sometimes people call me Miss or Miss DiNozzo and lots of people have a middle name although Albert at my kindergarten didn’t.”

“You’re so clever, kidlet. And Skye and Aiden have three middle names each because Uncle Cris and Auntie Lavinia couldn’t choose. But people have other names too. Like Papa or Grandmother or Auntie Lavinia. Did you know that Auntie Lavinia has a lot of new names, Tali?”

The child shook her dark head, her curls bouncing rebelliously, reminding him of Ziva. Despite being contained with a hair tie only hours ago, they’d defied being controlled, her hair was too fine and silky for pigtails.

“No, I didn’t know that. What are they?” she asked eagerly.

“Well sometimes when two people get married in front of a judge, a rabbi, or a minister, one of them decides to take the last name of their husband or wife. Auntie Lavinia did that – her last name used to be Richardson, but she changed it to Lavinia Paddington after she married Uncle Cris.”

“Didn’t she like Richardson or maybe she really liked Paddington Bear,” Tali mused.

Tony shook his head. “Why don’t you ask her after we finish our conversation, Darling? Anyway, even though she changed her last name, she is still a Richardson, just that new people call her Mrs Paddington or Lavinia Paddington because it’s her new name.”

It had been Lavinia, a lecturer in Early Childhood Development who had suggested that Tony use her as an example. She had been an awesome support, helping him navigate this nightmare.

“And they call her Mrs, not Miss or Ms because she married Uncle Cris.” He hoped Tali wouldn’t interrupt with questions about why men didn’t have different forms of address based on marital status. This talk was hard enough without getting into gender inequalities with a five-year-old.

“Wow, she has lots and lots of names.”

“She sure does. Plus, Skye and Aiden call her Mummy and you call her Auntie Lavinia. And one day if you and the twins ever have babies, she’ll have more names. She’ll be called Grandmother or Nana by her grandchildren and Great Aunt Lavinia by your children.”

“No, she won’t, Papa. Babies don’t speak,” the very literal five-year-old Tali objected swiftly.

“True, but when they are old enough to speak, they will,” Tony chuckled. “And when Auntie Lavinia goes to work at the University teaching all of those young adults, she has another name. She is called Professor Paddington.”

“Wow, Auntie Lavinia sure has a lot of names. I wonder how she remembers them. She must be very clever,” Tali commented sounding extremely impressed.

“Yes, I’m sure she is, Sweetie.”

“When I grow up, I want to be just like her,” Tali confided. “When I was little, I wanted to be a ballerina but now I want to be a professor too.”

Tony laughed because hearing his daughter made her sound rather ancient. That and her vocational aspirations changed every other week or so it seemed. “I thought you wanted to be a unicorn, Tootie.”

“Papa, that was when I was still a baby,” she told him loftily, blatantly ignoring that it was just last week.

“Okay, well sometimes kids and their parents need to pick new names too, Tali.”

“Why?”

“Sometimes they need to hide.”

“Like hide and seek, Papa?” she asked.

“Sort of,” except they don’t want to be found, he thought grimly. “Sometimes bad people are after them and they need to hide.”

“Like the bad people who are after us, Papa?”

“Yes Tali, exactly like that. When bad people are after them and they aren’t safe anymore, good kind people like police officers help to hide them away so they can be safe from the bad people.” He explained, finally broaching the topic that was so hard for him.

“Those police people are very nice to help them.”

“Yes, they are, sweet girl.”

“Papa,” she sighed, “Do we have to ask the nice people to help us play hide and seek, too?”

“Afraid so, Tali. Those bad people want to take you away from me and I’m not going to let that happen.”

“Why are they doing this to us?”

Oh Tali, how about you ask something a bit easier to explain, like the meaning of life, or what the fuck your mother thought she was playing at with all of her spy stuff and involving you in it.

“Because of something about you that makes you incredibly special. They want to learn how to make other people special too, my darling girl.”

“Maybe I can just give them the special thing and then they’ll leave us alone,” she suggested with childlike naiveté and her usual optimism.

“It isn’t that simple; I wish it were. But the special thing you have could be used by those bad people to do really bad things.”

“Can I hurt people?” Tali looked horrified.

“No sweetheart, because you are a good kind person, not bad like the people who tried to take you away from me.”

“What is this thing? I don’t think it is special – I think it is bad.”

“It’s not bad, truly Tali. Papa has the special thing and other people do too. Not all that many people do, but a few. The special thing is like a secret that was passed on to us from our families from an awfully long, long time ago. My mother must have given it to me, and I passed it to you. Most people who have this special thing called an ATA gene don’t even know they have it but when they find out they want to use it to help other people.”

“Like police?”

“Sort of like the police or professors like Auntie Lavinia who studies things or people who invent stuff to help other people.”

She stamped her foot, a fierce war-like expression on her small face. Shades of her mother there for sure. “Well, I don’t want it! Take it back, Papa!”

Tony sighed, feeling guilty even though he had no idea that he even possessed the gene or that it existed in the first place. After all, he never even knew that Aliens were more than fodder for Science Fiction stories and movies. Pulling his little firebrand in for a hug to soften what he had to tell her, he felt his heart break a little. Damn it, he was supposed to be able to stop her hurting!

“I wish I could, Tali but I can’t. I didn’t even know I had the gene until I found out about you having it too. It’s not the sort of special thing you can give back, my precious girl. Some gifts are given forever,” he tried to explain the unexplainable to a five-year-old child.

“And so, because of this dumb thing, we have to go and hide, and we can’t live here with Uncle Cris and Auntie Lavinia and the twins?”

“Afraid so, Baby.”

“Can’t they come too?”

“Not where we’re going. We are going to hide somewhere other people who have the special gene live, far, far away.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

I don’t want to go either Tali, but we aren’t safe here and we don’t want Cris, Lavinia or Skye and Aiden to be unsafe either.”

“The bad people might hurt them?”

“If we stay here with them, they might, I’m afraid,” he said sadly.

Tali was crying and Tony felt like a total failure as a parent. He decided that this was not the time to bring up changing their names, despite the urgency. However, it seemed that his sharp as a tack little girl was already one step ahead of him.

“I hate those bad people who are after us, Papa. They are big fat meanie pieces of dog poop.”

Tony gave her a watery smile, far from his usual massive room illuminating grin. “I know what you mean, Sweetie. I feel the same way too.”

“So those nasty people are going to make us change our names, aren’t they?”

Tony sighed and nodded as he gave her a gentle squeeze. This was not the life he’d choose for her. It was why he’d left NCIS behind. All of Gibbs’ revenge crap always coming back to bite them on the ass.

“Yes, Tali. To make it harder for them to ever find us. So, we need to have new hiding names, but our real names will still be our names,” He reassured her. “You’ll always be Tali DiNozzo, but it will just be your special secret name. The only people who know will be you and I and the special police who help us hide and be safe.”

“What’s my new name going to be, Papa?”

“Well, part of your hiding name is going to be the same as mine. Our last names are going to be Paddington, just like your grandmother Annabelle DiNozzo who was my mother. Before she married my father, she used to be Annabelle Paddington.”

“Paddington is Uncle Cris, Auntie Lavinia and Skye and Aiden’s name too.”

“Yes, it is, Tali. His father who is your Great Uncle Clive Paddington was my mother’s baby brother. So, you can help me pick out our new first names for you and me. Our hiding names,” he told her hoping he wasn’t confusing her.

She concentrated and said, “My Great Uncle Clive is Skye and Aiden’s Grandfather, isn’t he Papa?”

“That’s right, he is. Anyway, Cris is my cousin and he’s helping the police and we’re going to pretend that he and I are brothers. That’s why we need new names.”

Amazingly, that prospect seemed to cheer her up, as she started trying out names. It seemed that he was far more angst-riddled over making her take on a new name, but a lot of that was because he felt as if he was eradicating part of her cultural identity. Tali was Hebrew and meant the dew from heaven, although Ziva called her after her dead sister. Still, he’d thought long and hard about letting her keep her name. The problem was that it was a quite distinctive name. Why couldn’t Ziva’s sister be called a common Hebrew name like Sarah? That would have made things a lot less complicated.

Fortunately, the idea of choosing a new name with all its implications about the loss of cultural identity was lost on his daughter. Tali was much too young to understand her cultural heritage or that she was named after her dead aunt. Ziva would be furious, but he didn’t see that they had much choice. It was ironic – he never thought he’d make a good father and he was right, but it wasn’t his parenting skills that were ruining his daughter’s life, it was some random gene inherited from a long-dead race of arrogant aliens that Tali inherited from him. It made it impossible to keep her safe on Earth from a bunch of megalomaniacs wanting to use her as a lab experiment.

Luckily for the little girl, she was caught up in the excitement of helping choose their ‘hiding’ names. Tony meanwhile felt like the proverbial dishrag – utterly wrung out. This had been an emotionally fraught conversation to have with Tali, unfortunately, he knew it wasn’t going to be the only one.

He only had one thing more to say before Lavinia called them for lunch. “One thing, Tali. You can ask Uncle Cris and Auntie Lavinia about your new hiding name but the twins are too little to keep a secret so you can’t tell them about what we talked about. It’s big girl business. Do you understand?”

Tali was silent for a long time, a puckered brow line indicating she was thinking about what he’d said. Finally, she spoke, her big green eyes sombre and intense. “I’m five but Skye and Aiden are only three and a half. They’re still babies and bad at keeping secrets. When we stole the fairy cakes yesterday and I made them promise not to tell, they forgot it was our secret and told Aunt Lavinia. Then we all got into trouble but I’m not mad at them any longer because they forget stuff cuz they are little.”

“Wow! You’re such a clever kid. You’re right, this is a secret that is too big for them to remember. Their brains aren’t as big as yours yet. So, we aren’t going to tell them. If you want to talk to your Auntie, I’ll take the twins outside to play in the sandpit, or you can wait until they take a nap.”

“Okay, Papa, let’s do that,” she said.

“Right, well, let’s go and help your Auntie set the table for lunch,” he held out his hand and she came crashing into him to hug him.

“I love you heaps and heaps, Papa. You’re the best Papa in the whole wide world.”

~o0o~

Frankly, Tony didn’t know what he would have done without Lavinia’s help. She’d suggested that Tali choose a name from one of her favourite books or movies and they’d made a list together. Of course, Ariel was top of the list but there was Belle from Beauty and the Beast, Charlotte from Charlotte’s web, Jasmin from Aladdin, Aurora from Cinderella, Elsa from Frozen and two other names of little girls she’d met a while ago called Roxanna and Lexie.

In the end, Saint Lavinia had helped steer Tali away from the Hebrew sounding name Ariel, understanding not only it would be a dead giveaway but also why Tony had a problem with it on a very personal level. She encouraged her toward Belle, pointing out that it was the shortened version of her grandmother Annabelle’s name. She’d also pointed out, knowing how much Tony despised being named after his father, that Annabelle Paddington had generally used the shortened form of Anna, which meant that Tali had a familial link but also a different name, too. Seeing the practicality of using a family name to create their legends, Tony had pointed out that Bella was the Italian for the beautiful girl which sealed the deal. Eventually, Tali decided her ‘hiding’ name or her new name as she started calling it would be Annabelle Paddington, like her grandmother but she would be Belle for short.

Tony also made a list of names with some help from his daughter. He decided to keep it simple and stick to three letters of the alphabet – T, A, and D. T because of Tony, A because of Anthony, and D because of his middle name Dominic. He came up with Tom and Taylor which was vetoed by O’Neill because there was already a Teyla on Atlantis. While he didn’t mind Tom, since Tom Morrow had been his favourite director, there was the laughable Agent Tommy issue that might lead someone back to DiNozzo. Tali after discovering some elderly first editions of The Famous Five in the Paddington library and having him read to her had suggested Timmy which he’d diplomatically but firmly quashed, as never in a million years.

Meanwhile, his daughter kept insisting that he choose Michael because she said he looked like one, whatever that meant. In principle, he wasn’t opposed to that name even if he didn’t feel like fit him, but when he was regaling Jack regarding the naming saga, he was quick to reject that as not a great idea. The general explained that one of the former expedition leaders and her chief medical officer had created a chimera in a failed attempt to turn Wraith into humans. The fallout had been epically bad, and the chimera had been called Michael.

Tony had been appalled and wondered what the hell those people had been thinking when they dreamed for even a millisecond that would be a good idea. Atlantis was sorely in need of some analysts to conduct a major risk assessment. When he pointed that out, the general had sighed heavily and agreed. Telling him that was going to be one of the new roles of the law enforcement agency, he promised that he would be sending some heavy muscle to assist him in making sure it got up and running right.

Which left him with his name dilemma still pending. Tony had agreed with Jack that Michael wasn’t a viable choice and crossed it off the list before realising that his visceral reaction to Michael was probably due to Mike Franks, someone he’d tolerated for Gibbs’ sake. Tony did not like the man, nor did he approve of what he stood for.

Looking at the names that were still not ruled out, he considered those A names: Alexander, Andrew, and Aaron, plus D names that were whittled down to Daniel and Dion after he’d vetoed David for obvious reasons as in it was Ziva’s last name. At first, he’d decided to go with Dion because it had a cool meaning…a child of heaven and Earth that he thought was very apropos for where they were going, but it just didn’t feel right. Finally, he decided on Alexander, which as Janae Progenius had pointed out, meant defender of people; a warrior, and that was also quite fitting.

Somehow it just worked!

Chapter 9 Facing Demons

Tony had another session with Dr O’Shea so once more he’d left his daughter with Kazumi and Miko who were making Atlantis style sushi for lunch. Since Tali adored sushi, she’d been so excited to learn how to make it. Of course, he warned her that they were probably using fresh fish and seaweed from the waters around Atlantis, so it might not be precisely the same as back home. He didn’t want her to be disappointed if it wasn’t exactly like sushi on Earth, but she was still terribly excited.

Plus, she was chattering away about how she would learn even more words in Japanese today. As he’d predicted, Tali had thrown herself headlong into learning another new language and Miko had been astounded at how quickly she picked it up. She could already speak about a two dozen simple phases and knew at least eighty more words in Japanese. Tony was hoping that she decided to learn Athosian next, not Czech since he’d gathered that Radek used his native tongue mostly to rant at his fellow scientists when he was pissed off at them.

Although he hadn’t had a total emotional meltdown like the first time he’d seen Dr O’Shea, Tony was still experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety, including a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and a sick feeling in his gut. He focused on muttering the alphabet under his breath to stop his brain from running through all of the stuff that was anxiety-inducing, particularly Tony’s biggest fear. While there were numerous reasons why he’d decided that getting help was necessary, this one was the absolute deal-breaker. It was what forced him into doing something he’d resisted his entire life, talking about his emotions, and asking for help. It scared the crap out of him, so it was no wonder he was anxious.

When he entered Dr O’Shea’s office, she offered him a herbal tea that she said may help him feel calmer. Alex accepted, expecting it to be camomile but it wasn’t. Aoife told him it was Valerian and passionflower – definitely different but it did seem to help or perhaps it was just that his stupid brain was busily occupied by the unfamiliar taste. In the end, it didn’t matter why it helped, only that it made him feel better.

When asked how he was doing, he reported that he hadn’t had any more panic attacks but had been anxious about today knowing what was coming. He also informed her his sleep had been poor as Belle had nightmares practically every night, sometimes more than one. She’d even had a couple of bedwetting incidents that were out of character, so he was worried about her too.

“You do know at her age, the occasional bout of bedwetting is completely normal, particular during a nightmare?” she assured him.

“Yes, I know, Doctor and I told Belle that, but she’s stubborn. It really upset her.”

“Like father, like daughter I suspect,” she observed.

“Touché but I reckon she got a double or even triple dose of stubbornness in the genetics lottery. Her mother was pig-headed to the point that it was often hazardous to her health and anyone who was around her. She once ignored a direct order to leave an explosive device for the bomb squad to disarm or if that wasn’t possible, to safely detonate. She snuck back in to disarm it herself without any personal protective gear.”

He didn’t mention that his misguided sense of loyalty to his partner had him go back in to have her six. God, he was so fucking messed up.

After he’d finished sipping his tea, the psychologist decided enough with the small talk. She smiled at him a little grimly. “Okay here’s the plan for today. We agreed to talk about your immediate concerns for Belle and her coping with such a traumatic move following two unsuccessful attempts to abduct her, which by the way are fully justified,” she reassured him firmly.

“It also demonstrates to me that despite your well-founded fears about parenting her adequately, given your background, they aren’t as big of an obstacle as you seem to think. We also agreed to discuss your last reason for wanting to talk to me – which we didn’t get time to address in our first or second session.”

Alex appreciated that O’Shea didn’t point out that in the first session, they’d run out of time because he’d had a massive panic attack. Getting it under control had eaten up a good portion of their hour. The next one, Aoife had decided to gather more background information on Ziva. When he nodded his agreement with the summary of what they’d planned at his last session three days ago, she continued.

“Well, unless you have any issues that are more urgent…” she checked with him, and he shook his head. “Then let’s begin by finishing up what we didn’t get to in our first session,” the psychologist suggested.

Well, there was the whole issue about his EXTRA Alteran gene and his new buddy HAL and being able to talk telepathically to his new BBF, except he’d decided not to confide in her about this situation. He’d chosen not to tell anyone about it yet, not until he had a better handle on the situation. Plus, you don’t want to end up in the infirmary in an iso room, in a straight-jacket and drugged out of your gourd, his irreverent inner voice (which was his own mocking Tony voice not HAL’s) snarked as he tried not to snigger.

DiNozzo kept thinking of the most important sequelae of that scenario. If he were locked up and drugged to the gills on happy juice, who would keep Tali safe? No. There was no way he could risk it, so it was better to stay mute for now.

Aoife nodded. “Okay then, I want to emphasise how important it is for you to feel in control of this process,” she smiled at his derisive snort. “I know, it can feel like you’re powerless, Alex. But even if it’s just the small things, like what order you want to talk about these topics, it’s better than nothing. So… you choose.”

Part of him wanted to begin with Tali and how he could help her since the nightmares were a clear indication she was struggling. But there was the other issue, it was massive and a part of him wanted to delay talking about it for as long as humanly possible. Then there was part of him, the one who wanted to rip off the Band-Aid as quickly as possible. It was the part of him who always chose to provoke his father, then years later his boss Gibbs, triggering their inevitable temper tantrums just because the anticipation of it always seemed worse than poking the bear and getting the physical or metaphoric whipping over and done with asap. And it was that part of him right now who was pushing for him to get it over with.

Practising his 4-7-8 breathing exercise for several minutes as the psychologist sat quietly waiting but without making him feel hurried, he finally said, “As much as I’d like to procrastinate, the enormous elephant in the room is making me feel claustrophobic. I think I have to address it, or it is going to sit on my chest and suffocate me.”

O’Shea simply nodded calmly and waited for him to continue.

Eventually, he sucked it up, took a deep breath and said, “I told you all of the reasons why I realised why I had to talk to someone, and they were all valid. I didn’t lie, not intentionally, although I’m good at deluding myself, I’ll admit that right up front. So, I can’t attest to if everything I said was real but I’m trying hard not to be deceptive, but you might just want to keep that in mind.”

Aoife looked interested at his declaration. “I’d have to say that we’re all guilty of self-deception at times. It’s the frequency and if it adversely impacts us living a normal life that determines if we have an issue that needs addressing. Can you give me an example of how you’ve deluded yourself?”

Without thinking he said, “I spent fifteen years working on a team which I’d convinced myself was my family. I don’t mean in the biological sense. None of us was related but more like a fraternity or sorority sense, I guess,” he said nervously before plunging on.

“I worked an average of sixteen-hour days, often more when we were on a hot case, and had no social life worth mentioning. The norm was takeout meals because I didn’t have time to cook, and frequently skipped meals. After all, some days, our team was too busy to stop and eat. Sometimes I didn’t sleep for days at a time other than a brief catnap at my desk and I had a former Marine boss who seemingly needed practically no sleep, who liked to scream and yell over inconsequential things.” He took several deep cleansing breaths before he continued.

“He also belittled me and my contribution to the team and he would slap me upside the head because I wasn’t focused enough for his standards. Yet despite this, I stayed on his team because I deluded myself, we were a family. The truth was that the team didn’t respect me, they took every opportunity to ridicule me and exclude me, but I just couldn’t acknowledge that we had a toxic workplace until a long time after I left.”

“It sounds like it wasn’t just a toxic environment but an abusive one. What made you finally wise up and leave because you obviously did,” she asked.

“Belle happened. Ziva died, and I was told I was the father of a two-year-old toddler that I had no idea existed.” Alex said succinctly, not wanting to get side-tracked by details.

“So, Belle was the catalyst for a massive change in my life. I love her and would give up my life to save her but the real reason I’m here is that I am terrified that I’m going to end up resenting being her father.”

After he confessed his biggest fear, he stood up and paced restlessly around the room numerous times. It was a small room, it didn’t take many steps to traverse it.

The psychologist watched him as she spoke. “I’m guessing that you feel like that is a shameful reaction to have. Some deep dark guilty secret. But you need to know that it isn’t uncommon for parents to feel so-called negative feelings about being parents. The second thing you need to remember is that acknowledging negative or shameful feelings by talking about something deeply disturbing to you helps to rob the feeling of its power over you.” She could see he was listening, but still, he was feeling deeply anxious and conflicted.

“Many mothers resent their babies, Alex. Often because they are experiencing post-natal depression or had a traumatic birth experience or even just didn’t get the birth they’d planned for. Many fathers experience resentment towards their children for disrupting their lives in numerous ways, especially if it wasn’t planned like you indicated was the case with you. Did you start to resent having to give up your job for her?”

“God no! I was so unhappy there. No, the boss was treating me like dirt that last year. It had been increasingly getting worse over many years, but that last year before I resigned was pure torture. I was constantly benched for no reason, ridiculed. and given the cold shoulder, but I was too beaten down, feeling pretty much worthless and I was too much of a coward to resign,” he confessed looking at her to judge her reaction.

“At that point, he’d effectively convinced me that no one would hire me, and I’d come to believe that I couldn’t cope without my team…my family,” he said bitterly. “Having someone utterly dependent on me saved me, gave me the kick in the pants to finally resign, so I could go and track down Ziva.”

“You mentioned that you didn’t believe she was dead?”

“No, I didn’t believe it was true and so I went to Israel to search for her, and then Belle and I ended up in Paris because it was Ziva’s favourite city and where we’d both worked a case together. I convinced myself that she would come for her daughter when she was safe.”

“Why did you believe she was still alive?” Aoife leaned forward curiously.

“Well, you see, I knew that Belle wasn’t my child. Ziva had been seeing someone on and off, an Israeli Mossad officer named Adam Eshel who was a family friend. I naturally assumed he must be her father.”

“Why did you believe that you weren’t her father? Is this the self-delusion you spoke about?”

“Partly that, I guess, but no, not entirely. Damn it Doc this is hard!” he said, groaning.

“You can stand up and walk around if that helps you to talk, Alex,” O’Shea suggested, and he immediately took her at her word.

“Okay, the self-delusion part was that Ziva was my partner at work, and despite everything, all the distrust and betrayal, I convinced myself that she’d trusted me to care for her daughter because Ziva was in danger. She knew I would die protecting any one of the team because they were all like family to me and so Ziva’s daughter would also be family.”

As he paced around the room, he picked up several ornaments, although he wasn’t truly paying attention to them, they were just a distraction.

“She told the Director of Mossad who was a frenemy I guess you’d describe it, that she didn’t tell me about her pregnancy because she didn’t want to disrupt my career. I knew that was a lie because back before Ari died, she’d done profiles of the team for Mossad,” he said, his voice taking on a faraway quality as he remembered that terrible time.

“Ziva knew my father was too busy making money to be a good parent – hell to be any kind of parent. After all those years working together, she knew I would never do that to my own kid, even though I was terrified of children. I knew that for all of her faults, she would never be so cruel as to force me to do to my child what my father did to me – ignore me because his job was the only thing he cared about. Ziva knew how important family was to me so, ergo, I was not Belle’s biological father.”

“Okay, given the few details you shared about her in our last session, I can see that you were bang on about your proclivity towards self-delusion,” Aoife said gently. “Then what? You looked for her and didn’t find Ziva?”

“No, I didn’t find her, but I still have genuine doubts about her death. Despite my ability to fool myself, my investigative skills are excellent. Many of the details about the bombing don’t add up and there was something else that was crucial. If Ziva were dead and I was Belle’s father, which I knew that I wasn’t, Ziva would have left a legal letter or a will informing me that I was Belle’s father. She would have made sure that there would be no way that custody could be denied to me, particularly as custody would involve two countries and she wouldn’t run the risk. While I question her fitness to be a good mother to Belle, I do not doubt that she loved her daughter.”

Seeing O’Shea’s sceptical expression, he tried to explain. “Look, an assassin is nothing if not pragmatic about death, seeing they are the instrument of it regularly. It is a fact of life that assassins rarely make old bones, so it was highly irresponsible for her not to leave a will to make sure she was properly cared for. The only two reasons I could see not to hand over legal documents, would be if she weren’t dead, or if I wasn’t Tali’s father.”

He didn’t realise he’d slipped and used Belle’s real name and Aoife wasn’t about to call him on it either.

“Did you speak to this Adam Eshel when you were in Israel looking for her?”

“I tried to, but I couldn’t locate him. According to the Mossad director, he was missing in action, after a mission somewhere in the Middle East (probably Iran) went belly up. His brother was killed years before by the Iranian secret police and there were only some distant cousins still alive who were elderly and infirm. None of them knew anything, and even if they did, they weren’t in a position to look after a normal average toddler, let alone one whose mother and grandfather had made a lot of enemies.”

“So, you were the only adult in her life. You must have cared for Ziva a great deal to look after a child you believed to be someone else’s offspring.”

“I cared about Ziva, even though I shouldn’t have, since she didn’t reciprocate, but I never really trusted her, with good reason. As I said last time, she was an assassin and a spy who committed espionage against the US for years while she was a member of our team. She betrayed me and tried to kill me, but despite it all, she was still a part of the team…a part of my family.” A look of sadness briefly flashed across his face before it vanished into the bland mask of indifference he slipped on like a favourite pair of well-worn jeans.

“And Belle had no one else,” she said, remembering something he said in the first session.

“And Belle had no one else,” he agreed, “although maybe Orli the Mossad director would have taken her, but I kept telling myself that Ziva must have had a good reason why she sent her to me, not Orli. I told myself that she must have believed, despite her disdain for me over the years, that I would protect her daughter.”

“Your life as an adult has been to serve and protect,” Aoife stated softly.

The FBI agent laughed deprecatingly. “True. I wasn’t known as Gibbs loyal St Bernard for nothing. The team knew that no matter what they did or said, I would always forgive them,” he said bitterly.

Aoife realised the depth of self-loathing underlying his statement, it was cloying and spoke to a level of self-directed disgust that he usually hid.

“It is very obvious that you’ve protected her and done it well. I’ll admit that I’ve watched you and her a few times now in the mess when you are eating. I can tell she is bonded to you, and that she feels safe and loved, despite being forced to travel to a distant galaxy. You should be proud of that.”

Alex, who had continued to prowl around like a tiger in a sensory sterile cage who pace relentlessly seeking stress relief, looked momentarily shocked at her praise before acting uncomfortable. “She is easy to love,” he told her tersely.

“She seems to be a delightful child. I remember an apt Irish saying that my Da used to tell my sister and me before he passed away. He said, ‘no man ever wore a scarf as warm as his daughter’s arm around his neck.’”

His eyes filled with love as he considered her words. “That’s very beautiful.”

“Alex, it is clear that at some point you determined she is your daughter. Is that because you have come to view her as the child of your heart or because you have finally accepted that she is your biological offspring.”

“Both. She is the child of my heart,” he told her with a catch in his voice. “But don’t forget, Belle has the ATA gene, same as me.”

“Is that when you finally accepted that she was yours?”

He shook his head. “No, it was approximately four months earlier. We were T-boned by a drunk driver; our car was a write-off, and we were taken to the hospital. Belle had a fractured wrist and suspected internal injuries. I didn’t know her blood type, so they took a blood test in case they needed to give her a transfusion. They also did mandatory blood tests on me because I was driving our car.”

“Was this the first attempt by the Trust to grab Belle?”

“No, but those tests are why the Trust came after us; someone in the lab tipped them off but I had no way of knowing it at the time. I had never heard of the Trust nor the ATA gene, like 99 percent of the population. Anyway, our blood type matched and because I have AB negative blood, which is extremely rare and she does too, learning it was a shock,” he said shaking his head grimly.

“I mean I was pleased that I could donate blood if she did need a transfusion but when I did some searching online and the odds of us having the same blood type and being unrelated were incredibly small. I finally took a DNA test and learnt that Ta… that Belle is almost certainly my daughter.”

“I get that you didn’t want to believe someone who you regard as family, would lie to you by omission and deprive you of the first two precious years with her. That must have been extremely painful to have to face,” Aoife acknowledged gently. “But when the man you thought to be Belle’s biological father was MIA, why didn’t you do a DNA test then? You’re not stupid, surely the possibility must have occurred to you.”

“Maybe not stupid but I am most definitely delusional at times when it comes to relationships with people I see as family,” he granted. “But as to your question, in my defence, it never occurred to me to take a DNA test because Ziva and I were never sexually intimate. Not ever.”

Even though O’Shea was good, he was aware of tells. A hitch in her breathing momentarily, a stiffening of her body and pursed lips.

“Not even when we went undercover as a husband-and-wife pair of assassins for hire, and knew we were under surveillance,” he said, his voice taking on a creepy disembodied quality as if he was disassociating from his feelings.

“We faked having intercourse although she was perfectly happy to fuck for real for the job. Despite what other people thought, despite our flirting, I made a conscious choice never to sleep with her for any number of reasons.

“Aye, and they were?”

“First and foremost – she was partly responsible for my previous partner’s death. A few years later, she almost killed me in a fit of rage. She also switched off the comms when she and Tim were supposed to be monitoring me while I was collecting voice samples to identify a domestic terror cell should I need backup.”

He mentally recalled the comment that Ziva felt she needed a shower after talking to him or her accusations that he killed her ‘boyfriend’ because he was jealous. He wasn’t willing to verbalise it not wanting to sound like a weak, whiny enfant terrible but they, along with a heap of other incidents over their years as teammates made him determined not to get involved with her. Feeling the speculative gaze of the psychologist upon him, Tony continued with the excruciatingly painful topic of his paternity to Tali.

“If we never had sex, how could Tali possibly be my child? That was why I never took a paternity test – never thought about it, not even once because why the hell would I? So, after the test said I was Tali’s father, I couldn’t believe it,” he told her and for a second or two his mask slipped, and she could see the total and utter devastation on his face.

“I had them repeat it, I was clutching at straws despite sharing the same blood type. My ability to delude myself was working overtime and I came up with crazy explanations. I convinced myself that the test was wrong, even after working in law enforcement for twenty years,” he said. “What a feckless fool,” he said of himself, disdainfully.

“I came up with this crazy-ass scenario where Ziva slept with my father, since she was always singing his praises and flirting with him outrageously. He was just as bad, completely infatuated with her and her fortune, so it wasn’t all that fanciful. Not really.”

He ignored O’Shea’s appalled expression. “Hey Doctor, if you knew Senior, it wouldn’t sound that farfetched. He married four times after my mother died and always it was a much younger woman. The last two stepmothers were younger than me. But the DNA came back with identical results and the lady at the lab assured me that the test could tell the difference between a father and a grandfather. I think I shocked her because she muttered something about Jerry Springer, but she was emphatic. The test was accurate, as far as a DNA test can be…which is pretty damned accurate. I was Tali’s father.”

“Were you and Ziva ever in physical proximity at any point when Tali was conceived,” Aoife asked him.

“I was staying with her at the farmhouse in Israel, the one which was later blown up and somehow Belle managed to survive a firebombing that her mother did not despite being a toddler,” Tony said scornfully but he had a valid point.

“Before she was pregnant, I went to Israel to warn her that someone was trying to kill the four members of our team, which meant she was in danger, too. McGee and I both narrowly survived attempts to kill us so we wanted her to come back to the US so we could watch her back. Well, McGee and I did, not sure about our boss. But I never had consensual sex with her while I was there. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had sex with her at all.”

Aoife O’Shea was silent as she tried to work out what to say. Finally, she managed, “Feck, Alex. I’m so sorry, I just assumed you were experiencing the typical new parent neurosis over being a father. It’s a huge, horrible truth to have to come to terms with. Your fear that you might end up resenting Belle makes so much more sense to me now.”

After revealing his dark secret, Alex had ceased his pacing. Her validation seemed to have pricked the balloon of his adrenaline as he collapsed back into his chair with a look of relief. He’d half expected her to tell him to just pull up his big boy pants and count his blessings or other equally useless platitudes. But combined with his relief was an air of absolute and utter exhaustion and the psychologist remembered Belle’s nightmares. He had a lot on his plate.

“That pachyderm feeling as if it’s sitting on your chest making it difficult to breathe – it makes such perfect sense now. But I need to tell you that you’ve taken the first step. It’s not going to be an easy road, there’s a helluva lot of work ahead of you, but know this, you aren’t alone. We’ll get there together.”

He closed his eyes and nodded. But it wouldn’t be that easy for him to trust her, they both knew that. A quote he’d read somewhere which resonated with him was, ‘trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.’ His eraser was pretty fucking small at this point!

“Is this the first time you told anyone this, Alex?” she asked him carefully.

“This being…that when you’ve exhausted all the other possible explanations and the only one left is that Ziva drugged me (roofies, no doubt and she would know how to get hold of them) so she could have non-consensual sex with me to become pregnant. I don’t even know how many times, but the odds are it took place on more than one occasion to maximise the chances of her conceiving and I was with her for over three weeks. And the answer is, yep, you would be the first, Doc,” he told her sardonically, and his tone suggested that she would be the last.

His tone changed, sounded defeated and his body seemed to cave in on itself. “Besides, who would believe me if I told them? Our team all had no problem immediately believing I was Tali’s father. Ziva was like a surrogate daughter to my boss, so he’d probably shoot me if I tried to tell him that she raped me.”

“McGee wrote a couple of tell-all detective stories based on our team years ago. He wrote scenes that had Ziva and me pretty much fucking our brains out in the office elevator at every opportunity and no one batted an eye. Besides, everyone adored her, there is no one else I can tell who’d believe me,” he said desperately.

Wanting to validate him, the psychologist told him, “Your panic attack the other day makes so much sense. Not that I didn’t think that you didn’t have ample reasons for the anxiety attack from what you already shared with me, everything that you’re juggling on top of having to move here to keep Belle safe.

“But dealing with this on top of everything else?” Dr O’Shea shook her head in disbelief.

“To be honest, I’m amazed you aren’t a gibbering wreck,” she told him candidly. “Your resilience under extreme psychological and emotional stress is remarkable. But you’re right, you need help dealing with this mess because just stuffing it down and hoping it will go away won’t work. It is not working,” she said compassionately.

“From what you’ve told me, you’ve pretty much been in crisis mode since you discovered the truth about Belle but for the longest time, living off adrenaline let you prioritize what to deal with. Now that you’re here on Atlantis, you feel safe. It isn’t surprising that you’re having to face facts about Ziva’s massive betrayal of your relationship for the first time and that is huge and incredibly overwhelming.”

Chapter 10 Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

When he left Dr O’Shea’s office to collect his daughter, he was feeling like he wanted nothing more than to head home and lick his wounds, but it wasn’t to be. Tony had been invited to eat lunch with Miko, Kazumi and Belle and the two little girls were extremely excited about their sushi rolls. Radek had come home for the feast too, and they’d decided to eat out on the balcony. Coming after the brutal session with Dr O’Shea had left him feeling wrecked. Confessing that his NCIS partner of nearly nine years had raped him even though he had no memory of it, despite the tangible proof smacking him in the face each time he looked at his daughter, had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

Tony had put his life on the line countless times as a cop, as a fed, as a team member. Even before he was a cop, he’d instinctively run into a burning building to save two little kids; even though he couldn’t save Amber King he did manage to save her brother, Jason. And then after he resigned as a fed to protect Tali, he’d managed to quell two attempts to kidnap her without thinking, he just acted. But when it comes to confronting his inner demons, he turned into jello and did everything to avoid having to examine the painful truth of what someone he regarded as his family had done to him. Her DNA was all the proof he needed to cast aside nearly three years he’d spent in denial. But he wasn’t able to deny it any longer and telling Dr O’Shea was another step along the path of brutal reality. There could be no turning back after today!

It also explained why Ziva had never told him of her daughter’s existence. She had deliberately used him as her own private sperm bank. Did she honestly think that she was entitled to take his DNA without asking? Just because as a college student, desperate to stay in college and finish his degree after losing his sports scholarship, Tony had sold his blood and sperm to pay for food while he couldn’t work, If he hadn’t known that the clinic had destroyed his donations, he might have even believed that she’d travelled to Ohio and tracked down his samples. He’d checked, and they assured him that they had destroyed them years ago. Which left only one possible explanation as to how he became Tali’s father.

Dr O’Shea was right – it was a fact that he’d had little time to dwell on in the few months since making his shocking discovery, what with the Trust and the whole ATA gene crap exploding around them. But even though Tony was yet to fully process the enormity of Ziva’s betrayal, it had decimated his sense of trust. So, after the emotionally devastating session, he was a little dubious about being with other people he hardly knew. After all, if Ziva could betray him after he’d saved her life (on more than one occasion) then surely it was no surprise he didn’t feel safe around people he’d only known for a few days.

Still, the thought of disappointing his daughter, who had gleefully shown him the slightly lumpy looking sushi rolls she’d made for him was more than he could bear. So, he’d pushed himself to make nice as the two little girls chattered away in an odd mix of English with a Japanese phrase or word thrown in here and there. They seemed to be getting along like a house on fire and that made him happy. He ruthlessly stomped down on the random thought about how Ziva would have brutalised that idiom – he did not want to think about her, even if he knew that was unrealistic.

Radek had been watching the girls with amusement before he noted innocently. “Belle has quite a gift for language. She is picking up Japanese fast.”

Miko agreed. “Faster than you, Radek,” she teased him. “She is quite remarkable for a four-year-old. I heard her having a conversation in French with one of Kazumi’s dolls.”

Alex shrugged. “She is pretty amazing, and I speak four languages including English, so she has been exposed to foreign language from birth.”

In truth, he spoke six languages, but he wasn’t going to mention the Mandarin he had been learning for work or the Hebrew he learned after he took custody of Tali. They were trying to bury information that might help the Trust to find them

“What languages do you speak, Radek asked him curiously.

“Well apart from English, I speak Spanish, French and Italian. Belle and I lived for a while in Paris, which was where we picked up the language. Although my mother used to speak it to me when I was little, before she died,” he said sadly, before turning the subject to other matters. Despite her neglect, he’d loved her fiercely, even if she had been unable to love him back enough to give him what he needed.

Still, his musical ability was a gift that she’d passed along to him which was a lasting legacy that he treasured. He wished that he’d been able to bring his piano to Atlantis. It was a tangible link to her, allowing him to remember the times they would sit on the piano stool together and she would teach him to play. He missed being able to play it.

And his love of movies had been her influence too. She adored the so-called Golden years of Hollywood. As a little boy, she would take him to theatres to watch Fred and Ginger, Bacall and Bogart, Tracy and Hepburn, Burton and Taylor and scores of others from that era. Even today, he had their movies and so many more – Hitchcock’s work, Cary Grant, James Cagney, Marlon Brando, and Orson Welles, all films he watched with her. Those two gifts she gave him, he treasured as her son, even if as a parent he recognised it had been woefully inadequate. He decided to change the subject of languages to something more mundane, safer.

“Miko, I managed to bring Belle’s bike to Atlantis in pieces. I finally got a chance to put it together the other night. So, I’m wondering, if there are places in the city where she can ride it?” he asked. “She’s just graduated from training wheels, and I don’t want her to forget how to balance.”

Radek chuckled. “Hah, I thought there was a saying in English, “it’s just like riding a bicycle. Once you learn, you never forget.”

Alex grinned. “Yeah, that’s what they say, but I’m not sure that she has learnt how yet. She was just starting to get her confidence, ya know?”

“Yes, Yes, Yes. Perhaps we can get Kazumi interested in riding too now that Belle is here. She is quite athletic, is she not?”

“She has a lot of energy,” her father conceded.

“There is an outside area where we have created a children’s playground with swings, a see-saw, climbing frame and monkey bars,” Miko said, answering his original question.

“Plus, the giant slide and flying fox we made for the bigger kids,” Radek added.

“Yes, but Kazumi and Belle aren’t big enough to use those for a while, Radek,” Miko rebuked him gently. “But there is also open space for them to run around and ride a bike or a scooter. The Marines got together and built a fence around it so parents don’t have to worry that the kids might accidentally fall into the ocean.”

Radek smirked. “Yeah, then some of the international military personnel, not wanting to be outdone by the jarheads got together one weekend and built some seating and tables with shade awnings.”

“Colonel Shepard and Dr McKay had talked about building a race track for Teyla’s son Torren to race his remote-controlled car,” Miko smiled.

“Yes, yes, yes, now tell Alex the rest of the story that Atlantis’ administrator, Henri AuClair banned them from racing their remote-controlled cars in the corridors in the city’s interiors.”

Miko laughed and Alex thought she had a pretty laugh. Mostly, she seemed so demure but when she laughed, by some magical alchemy, it transformed the serious scientist into a very lovely woman. He had a feeling she didn’t laugh often enough though.

“What Radek says is true. Those two are like a couple of overgrown kids sometimes, especially around Torren. It is a pity that John disappeared soon after they hatched the plan to resume their racing competitions.”

Adroitly changing topics, he fulsomely praised Belle and Kazumi on their excellent sushi rolls and asked Miko what was in the dipping sauce she’d made for the edamame beans. He’d never been a huge fan of tofu, but the tender juvenile soybeans were delicious. Miko replied that the sauce had rice wine vinegar, sesame oil, sodium-reduced soy sauce (since the beans were already tossed in sea salt), garlic, scallions and honey.

Belle informed him proudly, “I minced the garlic, Papa and Kazumi sliced up the scallions.”

“Well, it’s yummy, thank you, chefs.”

Kazumi who was still quite shy around him, giggle demurely and he could see how much like her mother she was. He was grateful that the little girl was here and was ready to befriend Tali. It certainly had made the move a lot easier than it would have been without her living on Atlantis with Radek and Miko.

After they returned to their quarters from their sushi lunch, Tony was feeling physically and emotionally raw. Lunch, while it was nice to spend time with the Zelenkas, had been a struggle requiring him to use his undercover skills to act sociably. He knew that it had made Tali happy, so it was worth the effort.

Now he felt exhausted from holding it all together, wanting nothing more than to give in to his desire to curl up into a foetal ball and zone out for the rest of the day. But that wasn’t going to happen, he had responsibilities, and he needed to suck it up and keep it together.

Sighing, he suggested that Tali get her bike, and they’d wander down to the playground that Radek and Miko had mentioned. He figured a couple of hours of exercise would tire out his little Energiser bunny and maybe help her sleep better too. Some fresh air probably wouldn’t do him any harm either.

They’d run out of time with Aoife today, and why wasn’t that a surprise, he mentally snarked. Who’d have thought opening up the can of worms regarding his true reason for seeking for her help would take up so much time, that they never got around to talking about Tali’s nightmares? However, extrapolating something that O’Shea told him today, which was likely to be relevant to the little girl, he recalled her words. Fortunately for him, he had an eidetic memory and could accurately reel off conversations or even lines from movies.

After sharing his MOAS with her, Aoife finished up by saying, “From what you’ve told me, you’ve pretty much been in crisis mode since you discovered the truth about Belle and living off adrenaline has let you prioritize what to deal with. Now you are on Atlantis and feeling safer, you’re having to face facts about Ziva’s massive betrayal of your relationship for the first time and that is huge and incredibly overwhelming.”

It seemed to be a safe bet that if Tali were feeling safe and happy here in their new home, she too would see an increase in nightmares as her young developing brain was trying its best to deal with the serious stuff that had happened to her. Right after the abductions, they’d still been living with Cris, Lavinia, and the twins so there was lots to distract her, allowing her to repress it all. But now, in a new place, it was rearing its ugly head. If he understood Aoife right, it didn’t mean she wasn’t coping with her new life – it may even mean the opposite. So, he should probably just expect the nightmares to continue for a while yet.

At least he wasn’t stressing over the fact he wasn’t working. He knew today was going to be a real bitch and had decided that after his session with Atlantis’ psychologist, he would take the rest of the day to recover. He might try to get an hour or two of work done tonight when Tali had gone to bed but if not, he refused to beat himself up over it. He didn’t have to pretend that everything was fine, Aoife knew the truth and told him he was resilient and coping with it all surprisingly well, although he wasn’t so sure about the coping bit. Still, he’d decided it was okay to cut himself some slack, and that was exactly what he planned to do.

Maybe that seem like no big deal for most people, but he was acutely aware he wasn’t most people. For Tony, it was a massive step and he also recalled something else that O’Shea told him.

“Okay then, I want to emphasise how important it is for you to feel in control of this process. I know, it can feel like you’re powerless, Alex. But even if it’s just the small things, like what order you want to talk about these topics, it’s better than nothing. So… you choose.”

And choose he did. He chose to take the rest of the day off and to acknowledge how difficult it had been this morning to tell Aoife the truth. He chose to spend a couple of hours with Tali while she rode her bike around outside, still a little wobbly but gaining in confidence, nonetheless. And he chose to come back home afterwards and play his guitar and sing, much to Tali’s delight before she conked out about half an hour into his jam session. Music had always been a way for him to cope and he wasn’t going to feel bad about needing the time out, today of all days.

~o0o~

Several days later, he was still dealing with the effects of his last session with O’Shea. He was having dreams about the time he’d spent in Israel. First the dreams were about being interrogated by Eli David (Tali’s grandfather) and then Ziva coming within a hair’s breadth of shooting him. Then his dreams would shift to when he spent time with her at her family home watching her six after she resigned, trying to persuade her to return to the US so they could protect her. Not having any memory of how Tali had been conceived led to extremely disturbing dreams which were probably far worse than reality. Maybe they were snippets of subliminal memories trying to push their way through the drug-induced amnesia. It was something he should probably talk about with Aoife – and that other thing.

At least for his daughter, things had entered a smoother trough, although he knew from experience that it didn’t mean that the nightmares were over. It was kind of like being in the eye of the storm, and for now, he was grateful for it was smooth sailing since he was the one struggling, which made it a lot more difficult to remain grounded for her.

Tali wanted to have a second movie night and invite Torren and Kazumi. But he had refused to discuss it with her, saying that he would think about it, knowing it was going to be an epic battle when he laid down the law. Tali was so like her mother in some ways, once she’d made up her mind about what she planned to do, it was like talking to a brick wall. Tony just wasn’t feeling up to a battle royal which he knew it would be.

Still, with typical David tenacity, she wouldn’t let it go. She kept pestering him and Tony tried to hold out because he still felt decidedly off-kilter, which was not a suitable time to go forth into battle. He tried to remember that she was just a little kid, and she was impatient but that was typical of her age, not a reflection of her heritage. Finally, tonight he’d relented to discuss the situation. That had been a mistake.

Tony had suggested that they invite Felix and his mother along too and she was pouting. She still hadn’t forgiven the boy for making fun of her but since he was one of only three other children her age living on Atlantis, Tony was well aware of the delicate balance that was required. Ostracising him wasn’t practical and with so few playmates, it was also cruel.

“Why do we have to ask him? He’s a dumbhead,” the ever-stubborn child complained.

The frazzled parent sighed – knowing it was time to stop putting off having his conversation about Ziva’s dinner party with her to try and help her see that leaving people out wasn’t a kind thing to do.

“Come and sit here with me Poppet,” he told her calmly, patting the sofa he was sitting on, reading a mission report.

“Pa-pa,” she whined, “You know I’m not a poppet,” she glowered as she made her way over to him.

As she climbed up onto the sofa and got comfortable, he began. “I want to tell you a story about when I worked as a Navy policeman a long, long time before you were born.”

“Okay, I like your stories about the navy police. You used to tell me lots of stories about it, but you stopped talking about it. Why don’t you talk about them anymore?”

Well now if that wasn’t a loaded question!

The reason he used to talk to her about it so often was because he’d deluded himself into believing he was just a convenient bodyguard for Tali and soon Ziva would rise from the dead to reclaim her daughter. So, Tony had tried to keep her mother’s memory alive for a little girl who’d been unceremoniously dumped in the hands of a perfect stranger. He shared stories about the G-rated stuff the team had gotten up to over the years and some of the pranks they played on each other.

Since his discovery that he was Tali’s biological father and the ramifications that come with that, he’d become deeply resentful and angry with Ziva – huh go figure. Now he generally tried to avoid talking about her if it was possible. He was afraid he would fall into the trap of divorced parents who hated each other so much they constantly dissed their ex to their children, hoping to turn them against the other parent. Except of course that he had never been with Ziva in a romantic relationship, there’s had been strictly work partners.

Still, he didn’t wish to destroy Tali’s relationship with her, even if she never saw Ziva again. Mothers and fathers were supposed to be the centre of the universe for children, and they should never be in any doubt that their parents felt the same way about them, either. Having grown up knowing that he was little more than a burden to his parents, he didn’t want that for Tali. So, he tried to avoid speaking about Ziva, based on the principle if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.

Giving her a weak smile, he deflected since he couldn’t in good conscious share the truth with her because how could you possibly explain non-consensual sex to a five-year-old? It was something that he vowed he would never reveal to her because it was something no child should ever be forced to live with.

“Papa has been preoccupied – that means my mind has been too busy thinking about many other things, Kiddo. But I need to tell you about the time when Papa’s team had a special dinner party.”

Tali nodded. “That’s okay. There’s been a lot of stuff to prepie yourself, I guess.”

“Pre-occ-u-py,” he sounded it out for her slowly and she repeated it back to him.

“Good job, sweet pea. Anyway, a long time ago, Papa’s team got a new person to replace Agent Caitlin who couldn’t be on our team anymore, she had to go far away. Because the new person on the team was feeling sad about not knowing anyone and being a long way from her old home, she decided to cook a special dinner for the team and asked a few other people who worked with us on our team to come to her place”

Tali was listening raptly, as she did when he told stories about where he met Ziva. This one was tricky because he was trying hard not to demonise her mother, but he also needed to make a point.

“Did she ask the Duck Doctor, Jimmy, and Abby?

“Yes, that’s right, they were invited too.”

“Was it a good party, Papa? What did you eat?”

Tony felt sad and for once, he did not try to hide his feelings. “The people who went to the party said it was great and they had a really fun time.”

“What about you, did you have a fun time?”

“No sweetheart, I didn’t.”

“Why, did they make you eat cabbage?”

“No Tali, I didn’t go to their party.”

“Why not, Papa. Did you have to go somewhere else or were you chasing bad guys?”

“No, I didn’t go because I wasn’t invited.”

“That’s mean, did anyone else not get invited?”

“Just me and it made me feel very sad to be left out. I didn’t have people to play with when I was small, my father was too busy to talk to me and my mother was sick most of the time, so most of the time I was left all alone. Sometimes our cook would let me stay with her, but my father didn’t like me spending time with her when she was supposed to be working. Being left out of the dinner party for the team made me remember how lonely I was when I was little.”

Tali hugged him and he felt a rush of emotions. “That’s so sad, Papa. Why didn’t the mean lady invite you? Wasn’t there enough food?”

Tony hugged her back. Sometimes it felt surreal to know that she was of his flesh and blood, even if he’d had no say in her conception. He hoped and prayed every day that he would never end up resenting her for Ziva’s selfishness. She was an unwitting pawn in this horrible situation as much as he was, and he tried to never forget that.

“I don’t know, they said it was because I talked too much, and I joked around. I think they had enough food.”

Of course, he had his own opinion on what had been Ziva’s motivation.

On one level, he knew her goal was to sow seeds of dissent within the team. For what purpose was still up for debate but probably so no one paid too much attention to her espionage. Ziva, by encouraging disharmony within their tight-knit team, maximised the chances that she wouldn’t be under scrutiny when she was spying on the USA for Mossad.

Other factors might have dictated her actions in excluding him; she was extremely competitive and had zero regard for his abilities as a federal agent. She did not attempt to hide those sentiments from them, and it seemed too coincidental to him that the last case they’d worked before the team dinner had been them working as partners undercover. They were impersonating a married pair of assassins for hire and despite being a much-hyped Mossad spy, Ziva had broken cover in public, calling him by his real name which was a kindergarten grade error.

He’d been the one that persuaded their captors to let her go retrieve the flash drive they were after, accompanied by one of the dirtbags so Ziva could lead him into a trap for Gibbs to take him down. Tony saved himself, despite that sociopath torturing him with an exceedingly sharp knife. He’d taken the bastard down while he was still tied to a chair.

Plus, there had been a strong disagreement right after they checked into the hotel room that Jean-Paul and Sophie Ranier, the married assassins they were impersonating had booked, knowing the room was being bugged. Ziva had wanted to add a level of authenticity to their performance by having copious amounts of sex, which she informed him was what Mossad operatives would do.

Instead, Tony had opted for simulating sex, which had certainly fooled McGee and two FBI agents and was a lot safer, in more ways than one. Maybe Ziva had felt rejected that he didn’t fuck her or maybe she was pissed off that he’d been the one who’d saved her life and saved his own too while tied to a chair when she thought (maybe hoped) that he was going to die. He knew that she hated to lose face, especially after playing up her formidable Kidon training while heaping shit on his. Yet it was his inferior skills that had saved her ass. So perhaps there was a strong element of getting back at him when she didn’t invite him to her dinner party.

None of that information was suitable to share with his daughter. Fortunately, while he’d been lost in his musing, Tali had also been doing some processing of her own.

Climbing onto his lap and kissing him, she said, “Okay Papa, let’s invite Felix to our movie night too.”

He sighed in relief, congratulating himself. That had gone better than he planned.

By now he should have known better than to tempt the fates because once you did that, all hell usually broke loose.

Before her bedtime, they’d made plans for the upcoming movie night. Tali wanted to have pizza and watch Finding Nemo and Madagascar and that meant they would need to start earlier than the last time. Luckily, he had both movies and he’d figure out a way to make pizza. Now all there was to do was to invite the three other children and their families, but that would keep until tomorrow. He sent her off to change into her PJs and supervised her brushing her teeth before her nightly ritual of reading a chapter of a book – Charlotte’s Web before she fell asleep.

Congratulating himself on his fancy footwork and his parenting skills, prematurely as it turned out, he was thrown into complete panic by a drowsy, half-asleep Tali as he kissed her and wished her sweet dreams asked him, “Was it Imma’s party, Papa?”

Stalling for time, he asked, “What party, Kiddo”

“The party everyone else was invited to and you weren’t. Did Imma leave you on your own?”

Not knowing what to say but determined not to categorically lie, he said. “We can talk more about it tomorrow. Sleep now,” and he switched on her classical music to help her drift off while he rubbed her back.

As soon as he was sure she was asleep, he left her room and went out onto the balcony to see if Dr O’Shea could talk to him because he felt on the verge of a massive meltdown.

He’d fallen into the trap, doing what he swore he’d never do to Tali. He’d become one of those asshat parents who heaped shit on their kid’s other parent, hoping to turn them against the other parent.

What the hell had he done to his daughter?

Chapter 11 Boundaries What Boundaries?

Aoife O’Shea exited Special Agent Paddington’s quarters, after he contacted her a little over an hour ago, experiencing a moderate panic attack (for him) and asking for her advice about his daughter. Although house calls were normally frowned upon in her profession as it was too easy to blur the lines of a therapeutic relationship between the therapist and client, this was hardly a normal situation. Usually, when a client was in crisis, she would talk to them via the phone until they were stabilized, and then move up the next session, trying to meet them, if at all possible, the next day.

Failing that, Aoife would usually recommend heading to a hospital for aid, but that was her standard operating procedure for distressed clients BEFORE coming to Atlantis. There were no cell phones here, and she wasn’t comfortable talking via comms. With so many geeks on the flying city, she didn’t feel that they were secure enough. Plus, the Atlantis infirmary wasn’t exactly set up for patients who were in psychological distress, and the CMO, Dr Keller wasn’t a psychiatrist. Aoife felt that her youth and also her main interest being in genetic research, meant that Jennifer wasn’t necessarily a clinician who had a great bedside manner which was a necessary prerequisite for dealing with people who were emotionally and psychologically distressed. Although, it may simply be due to lack of life experiences.

There was that incident three years ago where the chief science officer Dr Rodney McKay had picked up a brain parasite that mimicked the signs of dementia, as it gradually killed him. She tried to remove or kill the parasite but had been unsuccessful. By that stage McKay had eventually become incapable of giving informed consent for his treatment and she’d become like a mama bear protecting her cubs. When an option was presented by Ronon Dex to give him back his memory for one day so he could die with dignity, Keller refused to let his team take him to this shrine that Dex reported his family had taken his grandfather to when he was a child.

At the time what wasn’t clear until later, after he’d recovered and they officially became a couple after the parasite incident, was that given her feelings for him, she really shouldn’t have been treating him. Ethically she should have removed herself from the case. Dr Keller could have still worked on a cure, but she should not have been making decisions about his treatment. It was pure luck that Dr McKay’s sister had been read in on the program and been able to come to Atlantis to be with him. None of Atlantis’ other residents from Earth would have been as fortunate to have a relative on hand to overrule Keller’s decision. Lucky for him, his sister, a brilliant scientist in her own right, had agreed with Dex that going to the shrine was what her brother would choose if he were competent to make the decision himself.

If not for Dex’s stubbornness and Jeannie Miller’s insisting, as Rodney’s sister and his next of kin, Dr McKay would be dead. What the people of Pegasus didn’t know was that the Shrine was a piece of Alteran technology. However, someone with a scientific background like Dr Keller should have been asking why an individual with the parasite could become fully compos mentis even for a brief period, especially when Teyla Emmagan backed up Ronon’s personal experience with stories of others experiencing the 24-hour reversal.

If Keller hadn’t been mooning unprofessionally over losing the man that she had romantic feelings for and trying everything to save him, she might have realised that the ‘cure’ was more likely to be gained from going to the Shrine. Yes, when she saw with her own eyes the dramatic improvement, she realised that the unique form of radiation was deadly to the brain parasite. Still, it did prove that she arrogantly brushed aside Ronon’s first-hand account and Teyla’s assertion that the Shrine was well known in the galaxy to restore loved ones for a day which held the key to his cure.

Ethics being of central import in treating physical and mental health, Aoife was reluctant to involve Keller in her treatment of her clients unless it was a life and death situation. This was why the psychologist broke one of her longstanding rules about blurring the therapeutic boundaries with her clients. But the unique challenges of running a psychological practice on Atlantis left her with little choice. Plus, Special Agent Paddington was in a challenging situation. Only a couple of people knew his true identity and why he’d come here, aside from possessing the much sought-after ATA gene. With Sheppard’s absence being felt by the residents, and apparently also the city, and Dr Beckett (whose ATA gene was significant) always off-world chasing down the illusive redemption he craved, the city had been struggling to cope.

Yes, others had the gene and could work basic Alteran technology, even jumpers, but the gene was nowhere near as strong as Colonel Sheppard’s, General O’Neill’s and to a lesser extent, Dr Beckett’s. Then there were the people who had gene therapy for the ATA gene, but none of them was powerful enough to fly the city or fire the drones. It wasn’t surprising that the population had been on edge since Sheppard disappeared.

While he was officially MIA, she knew that the powers that be thought he was dead, and tensions had been steadily rising, with petty squabbles commonplace and casual relationships breaking down. But after Alex’s arrival, the nebulous fear had been steadily declining and people were reporting feeling much calmer, and less anxious. Plus, Alex had been investigating Colonel Sheppard’s death, making everyone feel like those in charge hadn’t given up on finding him which certainly improved overall morale.

This was all well and good for the Atlantis residents, but Alex was a single parent, struggling to protect his daughter and dealing with the fact that she had become a target for the Trust for their nefarious and vile purposes. Hiding from their reach under assumed identities was no easy thing, but to have to travel to a highly dangerous planet in a distant galaxy would be immensely difficult for the toughest of individuals. Dealing with the recently acquired knowledge that his daughter Belle had been conceived as the result of his non-consensual assault by her mother, had shattered him and left him with the child to raise.

Alex didn’t have much confidence in his ability to act in a parental capacity for Belle to begin with, which was understandable with his childhood background of abuse and neglect from his parents, who were addicts. Although it was still early days in his therapy with Aoife, she could see from the limited amount of information he’d shared about his former team (who he’d seen as a surrogate family), the same pattern of abuse and neglect played out in his team where he stayed for fifteen years.

Sadly, it wasn’t uncommon for predators to be able to seek out victims of abuse and target them, confident that they would make easy pickings and by the sounds of things that Alex had shared, his former work partners had been abusive, both physically and verbally when they worked together. Unfortunately, learning that he’d been drugged and raped by a former colleague which resulted in Belle’s conception was devastating. His anxiety level had shot through the stratosphere once he’d been forced to face the truth about having a daughter.

As a cop, and a federal agent, he knew only too well the difficulties he would face, and also the eventual challenges Belle would also have to deal with if he told her the truth about her parentage. Aoife quite literally was the only person who knew the whole sordid story, which was why she needed to be supportive, but unfortunately, there was scant research to guide her about individuals in his situation. The available research was mostly dealing with female victims of rape, who became pregnant or when the sole goal of the rape was to conceive, such as the mass rapes occurring during genocidal wars, their evil goal to engage in ethnic cleansing.

O’Shea also looked at rape research that took place after the victims had been drugged without their consent and again the research focused on males raping females. Most of the research fit the definition of date rape, someone the victim knew superficially. It wasn’t focused on someone well known to the victim who’d consistently refused to enter into a relationship with the perpetrator. Still as complicated and unusual as Alex’s situation was, especially when you factored in Belle’s ATA gene and the Trust’s desperation to get their hands on her, some principles remained true. Even when she couldn’t find specific research.

All rape victims experienced a loss of control, anger at the perpetrator, and especially at themselves for letting it happen. While many people believed that victims who were date raped and drugged with chemical agents causing amnesia, weren’t affected as badly as those victims who weren’t drugged, and were able to recall the attack, research showed that perspective was not just simplistic, but inaccurate in many cases.

For many survivors of so-called date-rape drugging, not knowing exactly what had occurred often proved just as difficult to cope with, as their imagination tried to fill in the blanks. Also, having consumed the drug either via food or drink in a social setting, even though it had been non-consensual, it was still common for victims to feel like it had been their fault. They felt that they should have known what was going on.

The bottom line was that non-consensual sex was still rape, no matter when, how, or why it occurred, and its effects were extremely injurious regardless of the details. Although Aoife conceded, when you threw a baby into the mix, the effects were magnified exponentially.

Which was the case with Alex, trying to cope the best he could, attempting to share something that happened to him at work to show Belle why she shouldn’t exclude one of her age-mates to her movie nights because he’d said something unkind and hurt her feelings. Since the incident where Alex had been left out of a team event was one that Belle’s mother had organised, he’d been extremely careful not to name who’d excluded him, just that someone did. Instead, he’d focused on how sad and lonely he felt not being invited. Alex wanted to teach Belle empathy since he was concerned that she might turn out like her mother.

Then, when going to bed, Belle had specifically asked him if it had been her mother who had the team party and left him out, and he’d panicked, deflecting because he didn’t know what to tell her. Alex was angry at Belle’s mother and rightfully so, but he didn’t want his anger to negatively affect her relationship with a mother who was declared dead, but she may not be. Plus, he was justified in his fear about the impact it would have on Belle further down the track if she discovered how she’d been conceived. O’Shea could certainly understand how upsetting that whole issue was to him, and potentially could be to Belle at some later point.

By the time he let Aoife into their quarters, Alex was a mess, having worked himself into a state, second-guessing his parenting skills. He’d managed to convince himself he was vindictive, that he should have known that Belle would guess that it was Ziva who had hurt him so deeply.

He led her outside onto the balcony and down to the far end as far away from Belle’s bedroom as possible. Luckily, it was a balmy evening but then again it was rarely cold on New Lantea, and the view of the city at night was grand.

“Maybe I told her because I wanted her to know how cruel Ziva could be at times. I should have just let it go and let them work it out.”

“Hey, your intentions were right, Alex. You were trying to encourage her to develop empathy for other people. That is being a good parent.”

“Yes, but I should have just tried to talk to her about it again.”

“So, you already talked to her about it being unkind to leave Felix out of their activities because he said something that hurt her feelings?”

“Well… yeah, a couple of times.”

“So why did you decide to share your own painful experience of being the only one left out of the team dinner?”

“Um… I guess because she was being stubborn and not listening when I tried to tell her that she needed to include Felix or maybe just invite one of the other kids but not both.”

“Hey, you tried a more obvious approach, but it wasn’t successful, so you shared a very painful experience of your own that was similar, trying to evoke her sense of empathy because of her love for you. That sounds like exceptionally caring and thoughtful parenting to me.”

“But maybe I should have left it for them to work out on their own.”

“Children can be incredibly cruel without even realising it, Alex. You were trying to teach her an important life skill. If you ignored it, Felix might have continued to suffer by being excluded, and let’s face it, it isn’t like there are plenty of other children his age to play with. Aside from Torren, he is the only boy in their age group. The other likely scenario is that Torren and Kazumi might feel empathy for Felix and start to exclude Belle, since they have a prior friendship with Felix, and she could end up feeling alone.

“Leaving them to deal with it alone, might have resulted in them working it all out amicably, but it just as easily could have resulted in either of the outcomes that I just outlined, and that would not have been good. In other circumstances, were those children on Earth at a normal school with other age mates, I might be persuaded to let Belle learn a hard lesson. However, given that her peer group is so limited, and she has had a traumatic time before her arrival, I believe absolutely that you did the right thing in trying to help her to see the error of her ways, Alex.”

Looking a little less fraught, he said, “But what if she is angry at her mother? I don’t want my feelings to cause her to despise her too.”

“Then just be honest with her. Tell her that even adults don’t always do the right thing. Keep it simple but truthful. Explain that it is all too easy to hurt other people’s feelings if we don’t stop and think about how the other person might be feeling. It doesn’t have to be soul-baring, deep and meaningful. Just keep your answers age-appropriate and only answer direct questions.”

Alex looked less than convinced.

“Look, I get that you are trying not to destroy her relationship with her mother, that’s laudable. I wish other estranged parents were so responsible! That said, you can go too far the other way, build her mother up so she idolises her, as is quite a common phenomenon in people who have died. They suddenly become super-heroes and saints, and no one is ever able to measure up to that and that does Belle no favours at all.”

Something must have resonated with Alex because he nodded, and his non-verbal cues said he was realising something. “My old boss lost his wife and nine-year-old daughter and he never got over it. He kept them secret and refused to talk about them. Kept his daughter’s room as a shrine and married and divorced three carbon copies of his wife in quick succession since none of them could measure up to his first wife.

Alex looked sad as he looked out over the darkened city from his balcony.

“He stopped marrying but he’s alone and spends his life building boats in his basement and drinking bourbon when he isn’t working eighteen-hour days.”

“Perfect example. I’m sure his wife and child were just your average loving family, not saints and I’m sure they would never have wanted for him to idolise them to the point that no mere mortal could ever measure up to them in the flesh.”

He nodded. “You’re probably right.”

“Plus, you expressed your doubt that Ziva is dead. Should she have survived, you don’t want to have built her up to be perfect, should they ever meet again. You will be setting Belle up for disappointment when she fails to be the saint she expected. Better to teach her that people are flawed but that it is how we learn from our mistakes that build character and make us better individuals.”

“Okay, so if she asks about the team dinner, just answer her specific questions and be honest. Thanks for your help, Doc. I know psychologists don’t normally do house calls.”

True, but then again, I can usually talk to clients via the phone, back home. Plus, you don’t have anyone else who knows the whole complex situation. If we were on Earth, I’d find a support group for you so you had other people around you who knew what you were going through and could offer advice and support or just a friendly ear. Unfortunately, that’s not an option here, so I’ll try to step up and support you as best I can”

Something flickered in Alex’s eyes.

“Don’t tell me. Federal agents don’t do support groups?” she said, half in jest.

“No, it’s just that after I resigned the first time from the team, I wasn’t dealing with it very well. I started drinking and then I realised what I was doing, and I joined an Adult Kids of Alcoholics group for men, and discovered I had a lot in common with the other guys.”

Aoife nodded. “That was smart. I wish we had something like that here. Maybe I should investigate the possibility of starting up ACoA support groups here on Atlantis.” The incidence of alcoholism, sadly, was far too high, and children are often the unwitting victims. She mentally filed his comment about resigning the first time for a future session.

He looked uncomfortable. “When I came back from Israel where I went looking for Ziva to warn her that our boss’ enemy was trying to kill us, I was in a really bad place. I was so angry with him for not giving us a heads up about it. It was pure luck that Tim and I aren’t dead. It took ages to find her, and I kinda hit the bottle again.

“When I started having blackouts, I assumed it was the alcohol, although one of the guys at the ACoA group, a doctor, asked if it was possible that I was being drugged. I laughed at him and said, no way! I went cold turkey when I got off the plane from Tel Aviv and the blackouts stopped, which proved my theory it was alcohol related.

“How could I have been so stupid?” he railed at himself, trying to keep his voice low. Even though they were out on the balcony, so they wouldn’t disturb a sleeping Belle, they’d been speaking quietly. Alex had been checking on her often and Aoife realised he probably did this a lot.

And there it was! The blame game, and like the vast majority of survivors of abuse, not to mention adult kids of alcoholics, Alex blamed himself.

O’Shea told him firmly. “Stop speaking blarney! You were staying with someone you’d worked with for more than eight years. Despite your clashes over the years, you had no reason to think she would drug you. You’d made your feelings perfectly plain that you didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her, Alex. The only reason you sought her out was to warn her someone was out to kill her. You do know that it’s because as an adult kid of alcoholic parents, you feel like it’s your role to protect the people who are in your life, not because you wanted to have a child with her. How could you possibly be expected to predict what happened?”

“But after Ziva ‘died’ and Tali… was dropped off to me like a parcel, with a ‘here you go, she’s your daughter,’ by Orli, why didn’t I twig then?”

“As you say, you are adept at denial, but you also had good reasons not to put it all together, especially since you said that Ziva had been intimate with someone in Israel. And just the thought of her doing something so unspeakable, not just the sexual assault but consciously setting out to conceive Belle without you having a say or any input into her life? It is so monstrous a betrayal of you, knowing your background, that it is understandable that your subconscious mind looked to deny even the possibility that it had happened.

“Call it for what it was Alex,” Aoife told him firmly. “It was a defence mechanism, especially since she was dead and therefore couldn’t be held responsible, plus suddenly you had a two-year-old to deal with. Under the circumstances, it sounds like a relatively adaptive defence mechanism to me.”

Alex pulled a face. “It sounds like I’m an idiot! But I should let you go home and go to bed. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

Aoife shook her head. “I’d say it’s understandable. Being a parent, let alone a single parent is challenging at the best of times, but I think you are doing an amazing job under what amounts to intolerable circumstances. I’s totally fine if you’re brickin’ it. You’re allowed,” she reassured him, before taking her leave, shortly thereafter.

By the time she entered her quarters a few minutes later, it was late, and she was so gummin’ it for a black one, but she’d drunk the last of her stash a couple of weeks ago. She made a cup of chamomile tea instead and sat down to write some brief notes. One of the issues she intended to raise at a proper time in their sessions was that Alex said he’d resigned from his job once before. So obviously he must have gone back, and she wanted to explore why that was. The second issue he’d mentioned was that before he went to Israel to warn Ziva she was at risk, he and another teammate survived assassination attempts and Aoife REALLY wanted to know what the feckin hell that was all about.

During their impromptu session, Alex caught her quite off guard with his admission that he had been attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) support group before he left his job as a federal agent to protect Belle and lay low. Even before the Trust had taken a perverted interest in the child, she had far too many enemies of her mother and maternal grandfather after her, for pity’s sake. But as Aoife thought about the support group, she knew it would be something that would be hugely helpful to introduce in Atlantis.

AUD was highly prevalent in the community, although the figures varied across nations. For example, in the USA it was estimated that 10.5 percent of children under the age of seventeen, lived with at least one alcoholic parent. That was one adult in ten on Atlantis who had an alcoholic parent. In Australia, the prevalence of risky drinking among parents was reported to be 42 per cent in 2004 but dropped to 35 percent in 2013 which was still a horrific figure. Of course, different definitions of AUD could help explain such varied statistics, but even if one adopted the lowest figure, children of alcoholics were not an insignificant cohort. ACoA groups were certainly part of the support system that these adults needed to help them cope with difficult childhoods. Not just so they didn’t end up with substance abuse issues of their own but importantly, so they didn’t end up repeating the cycle of abuse.

Which reminded her of her reticence to refer someone in psychological distress to attend the Infirmary for assistance, particularly should they need to be sedated. It really was something she needed to address. In truth, any qualified medical doctor could authorise medication that might be needed, sedatives, medications for anxiety and depression and even insomnia. They were the most common reasons why people came to see Aoife on Atlantis, but she found herself uncomfortable dealing with Dr Keller. Perhaps it was only the disparity in their ages, but Aoife was a firm believer in listening to your intuition. She decided to look into the backgrounds of the other physicians who worked in the Atlantis Infirmary, to see if one of them might be a better fit for working with her patients should they need medical intervention.

Aoife entered her office the morning following her house call last night and sat down at her desk, logging into her office computer to view her appointment calendar, checking up on Alex’s next appointment. It was still several days away, so she was glad she’d broken her rule and gone to support him last night. The next thing she checked out was Atlantis’ version of electronic mail within the city. Aoife was surprised to see a notification telling her the personnel files of Infirmary staff she wanted to review had been sent to her computer for her perusal, along with the usual admonishments about maintaining confidentiality and security. It had been signed off by J.P. HAL, whoever the feck that was.

Okay… that was weird. She had decided to look into the doctors’ credentials to see if anyone had any sort of background in psychiatry, beyond the compulsory rotation that interns did into different medical specialties, but she hadn’t put in a formal request. Could it be that the rumours spread by the long term-residents of Atlantis being sentient might not be rumours after all? Aoife was found to have a weak latent ATA gene that had responded to the vaccine, which was one of the reasons she’d ended up here in Atlantis.

She knew she wasn’t as strong as many of the population but her most memorable experience of being able to use the ATA gene had occurred last year when she was sent to puddle jumper flight simulator school. Scoring high on the aptitude test, Aoife was permitted to fly the real jumper on several occasions. That was something she had never dreamed was possible. It was like something out of a Star Wars movie.

So, was it possible that Atlantis read her mind about the files and approved of her plan, or was there a perfectly reasonable explanation that she just hadn’t considered yet? Well, either way, she intended to go through those files asap as the military folk would say. Hopefully, she would find the answer to her dilemma as soon as possible. Something told her that Alex was a trouble magnet, and it was always best to be prepared.

Ara be whist, O’Shea, she told herself crossly. Have you not learned not to be tempting fate, you moran?

AN:
Ara be whist – shut up
Black stuff – a Guinness
Blarney – nonsense
Brickin’ it – nervous to the point of soiling one’s pants
Gummin’ it – salivating (dying) for
Moran – derogatory term meaning a fool

Chapter 12 The Tap-Dancing Explosives Expert

Captain Laura Cadman was teaching Tali a dance while Tony was cooking cheesy macaroni, his daughter’s favourite comfort food. She’d already invited the head of base security to dinner and Cadman had accepted enthusiastically. Grossly, the Marine was a fan of pre-packaged cheesy mac, which Tony having Italian heritage, found to be an affront to pasta. He’d stopped off to pick up something for himself a while ago. But as much of a food snob as he was when it came to Italian cuisine, he wasn’t about to deny his daughter her comfort food either. Tali had lost too much already.

As he plated up, he called to Tali and Laura to go and wash their hands since dinner was ready and he heard the pair giggling as they headed to the bathroom. He was glad that his daughter got on so well with Laura, she was missing Lavinia, not to mention her twin cousins. Although she related well to Miko, he suspected Tali appreciated Cadman’s undivided attention and he grateful, given that the captain was a badass Marine. He felt that Tali was safe when she was with Laura.

Cadman was a specialist in explosive ordnance disposal, who’d served in the Gulf War and had quite an impressive service record. Following the Gulf war, she was assigned as an explosives expert, liaising with the United States Secret Service, and delegated to work on protection details for VIP missions.

After the stint with the US Secret Service O’Neill had snapped her up for the Stargate program and her first deployment to Atlantis had been part of the Marine expedition to protect the city from the wraith at the end of their first year on Atlantis. After helping to save the city, Cadman used her protection skills saving Carson Beckett from a Wraith dart on Thenora, even as she and Dr McKay were scooped up by its beam. Later during that same deployment to Atlantis, Cadman once again helped save the city with her computer skills after the Trust tried to blow them up when she discovered that Col Caldwell was infected with a Goa’uld and sabotaged Atlantis. Later, she later served aboard the George Hammond and was promoted to captain, so clearly, she was an excellent Marine and super qualified to protect his daughter.

As a colleague, Tony was more than happy to have such an impressive Marine watching his back. They were working their way through a list of suspects regarding the disappearance of Colonel Shepard, and he decided to use this time after dinner when Tali had gone to bed to discuss where they were at with the investigation thus far. He wanted to raise the possibility that someone from Atlantis might have been responsible for Sheppard’s disappearance, which he knew she might find difficult to accept.

So far, along with Larrin of the Travellers, the other chief suspects were someone associated with the Wraith, other than the one they’d called Michael, since he was reputed to have been killed during an abortive strike on the city. Tony knew they also couldn’t rule out someone who blamed the Atlantis personnel for their part in the vaccine fiasco by helping the Hoffans to develop the serum which had caused so many deaths. While a conservative estimate put the deaths resulting from that precipitous decision at hundreds of thousands, some claimed the true figures were likely in the millions. From this line of inquiry, his chief suspect remained Shiana of the Tribes of Santhal, the woman on the tribunal that tried the AR1 team.

Shiana was a logical first step because she had a clear motive, but realistically, there were many other victims just like her. With such a potentially large pool of suspects, that avenue of inquiry was probably like looking for a needle in a haystack, but Shiana should be checked out for sure.

After he’d put Tali to bed, he returned to the living room where Laura was fiddling around on her work tablet, probably completing some paperwork,

He told her, “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

She smiled at him. “It’s fine, you have a lot on your plate as a single dad, Alex.”

Although Cadman knew his true identity, she called him Alex and his daughter was Belle and really, it was far safer that way. Still, it was a relief that he had a work colleague watching his six, who knew most of his history, including his time on the Major Case Response Team at NCIS.

Due to her time assigned to the Secret Service, the Marine captain worked with Special Agent Caitlin Todd a few times and was scathing about Todd’s affair with a Marine officer that saw her resigning in disgrace. In Laura’s opinion they’d both brought dishonour upon the Secret Service and the Corps by their blatant disregard of fraternization regulations, and they’d also jeopardised National Security. She expressed outrage and incredulity that a Marine NCO such as Gibbs would offer her a place on the much-vaunted NCIS major case response team.

Cadman had also served in the Gulf War as a green Marine, so she was aware of Gunnery Sergeant Gibbs as a gifted Marine sniper who was injured and regained consciousness to discover that a drug dealer had killed his family. Notwithstanding that, she also was highly critical of how badly NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs had tarnished the reputation of the USMC with his lawlessness as a federal agent, who believed he was above the law.

Despite meeting her when the Odysseus  docked on Atlantis several weeks after his arrival, in some ways it felt as if he already knew her because she was acquainted with former members of his team. Cadman hadn’t hesitated about expressing outrage at NCIS appointing a Kidon-trained assassin and spy on their premier investigative team, even knowing that Belle was Ziva’s daughter. He’d expressed similar sentiments to both Gibbs and then director, Jennifer Shepard when they announced she was serving as a liaison. Yeah, the MCRT had been complaining for years that if only they had a Mossad liaison, they could miraculously solve crimes. Oh, if only they could find one who could be their salvation!

Cadman validating his unease about having a foreign national who was untrained in US law enforcement did endear herself to him. In many ways, the Marine captain was a perfect partner to assist him as he set up the international law enforcement agency on Atlantis.

However, as perfect as she was, not to mention smart, funny, and incredibly attractive, Tony couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable around her, especially in situations where the professional lines had been blurred. For example, her giving Tali tap dancing lessons, and their follow up SitReps in his quarters about the investigation into Colonel Shepard’s disappearance made maintaining a professional distance harder. The fact that other people kept hinting that they would make a great couple certainly didn’t help matters any, even with Tali already forming a close relationship with Cadman. And as people pointed out, Cadman was practically the same age as he was, so in theory, they had a lot in common, but he wished they’d stop meddling.

After finally accepting the truth about Tali’s parentage and Ziva’s unforgivable betrayal, he certainly didn’t feel ready to date, unable to trust anyone to get close to him emotionally. He and Ziva never dated but they’d shared a close relationship, albeit a rocky one as partners. His trust in her sorely tested at various times over the years, but now well and truly shattered beyond repair by her actions. Then there was the issue of Tali to be considered. He remembered how difficult it was, growing up exposed to a never-ending string of conquests, girlfriends, gold-diggers, and stepmothers as Senior worked his way through a lot of women.

Thankfully, the majority of Senior’s harem wanted nothing to do with a sad, deeply troubled motherless boy but there were a few who tried to breach his defences; it always hurt him more when the relationship ended. And they always ended, some fizzled out fairly amicably, but others ended in acrimonious divorce proceedings, especially when it involved wealthy heiresses and Senior was broke. So, given his own childhood experience, he had no intention of putting Tali through that sort of needless angst and loss. It was bad enough when Tali had to leave her beloved Aunt Lavinia behind. It had been unavoidable, but it still hurt.

But dating issues aside, Tony found himself incredibly uncomfortable in Laura Cadman’s presence in a way that he didn’t with other people. He knew it was neither fair nor rational but after studying her personnel file, he’d zeroed in on the FUBAR mission where she and Rodney McKay had been culled by a Wraith dart. Luckily, the dart was shot down, but the beaming mechanism had also been damaged, resulting in their physical reintegration being botched big time. Cadman’s consciousness ended up trapped in McKay’s body, sharing it with the chief science officer and making everyone think he was crazy.

Tony was normally an extremely empathetic individual, able to put himself in Captain Cadman’s shoes. Having no physical body, forced to share Dr McKay’s, must have been an incredibly challenging situation for the feisty Marine. McKay was not known for his empathy towards others, or his willingness to share. Even when it came to food and coffee, he was notoriously territorial. So, it would never have occurred to McKay to let her share his body, even if it hadn’t been an equitable time-share arrangement.

Therefore, Tony understood that she didn’t have much of a choice about commandeering his body when he was asleep…he really did. When he was upset, Tony ran, always had, so he got why she’d needed to run. But it was also just a little too close to home – McKay losing his autonomy over his body while he was sleeping, even though Tony had been drugged and there was quite clearly a stark difference between the two situations.

When the strong-willed captain began to interfere with Rodney’s personal affairs, meddling with his relationship with Dr Katie Brown, which impacted another individual, Tony couldn’t condone that. Plus, as time went on, Laura succeeded in wresting control away from him, going as far as kissing McKay’s girlfriend and Dr Beckett without his permission. He couldn’t help feeling that Laura had acted impulsively, and caused distress to others, which was not befitting of an officer of the USMC.

It surely wasn’t a coincidence that McKay had broken up with Dr Brown – a botanist – and Cadman’s own relationship with Carson Beckett had not survived the stress of those PDAs, leaving them all to feel awkward around each other. He noted that Rodney McKay seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when he and Cadman had to interact with each other, and he felt empathy. Frankly, Tony was nonplussed that he was sympathising with the CSO.

The truth was that he was most definitely no fan of McKay, finding his behaviour far too reminiscent of his former boss. Leroy Jethro Gibbs, whose despotic rule, and narcissistic personality had done a real hatchet job on his self-esteem, something that he’d only recently been able to acknowledge. Tony had suspected that Stockholm Syndrome played a part in why he and other individuals had tolerated Gibbs’ outrageous behaviour over the last couple of decades, despite only being a senior supervisory agent, Gibbs still wielded enormous power at NCIS. In hindsight, Tony was disgusted by his willingness to take Gibbs’ shit for fifteen years. Somehow, he’d thought it made him special, rather than a pathetic sap who willingly turned himself into a punching bag whenever Gibbs needed an outlet for his infamous temper.

Having seen the way Rodney McKay similarly debased Dr Zelenka, Miko and his fellow scientific colleagues daily, Tony couldn’t help making comparisons. People made excuses for Gibbs’ anger and failure to follow rules, even his own damned ones that he insisted his underlings observe at all times, because of his supposed brilliance as the head of the top-rated MCRT. Only now, Tony was able to see that Gibbs investigative skills were only ever a small part of his ability to rule the roost at the pissant federal agency. It was his willingness to get his hands dirty when required by the Powers That Be, along with his almost Hoover-like reputation of knowing where the bodies had been buried by the DC elite that secured his immunity when he broke the law.

Dr McKay seemed to be granted a similar carte blanche to treat his fellow Lanteans as inconsequential minions who he could debase and reduce to tears whenever his ire was roused by anything upsetting what he consider his universe. Having seen Miko cry on occasions before she would emphatically defend her boss was tough, but certainly a far from isolated occurrence amongst his staff. Everyone justified his rage as the Great Rodney McKay protecting them from making a mistake that could have catastrophic consequences for the entire city. Tony didn’t buy that bullshit excuse though, since McKay was certainly not immune to making shockingly poor judgements of his own, on more than one occasion.

The whole fiasco with him blowing up an entire solar system sprang to mind! Plus, helping the Genii complete their nuclear weapons hadn’t been the smartest of moves, either. There were also his rash actions when he accidentally activated the Ascension Machine. His lack of caution when tackling a potentially dangerous piece of alien technology had been reckless at best and very stupid! It showed he was far from infallible, despite earning several doctorates, so using that excuse to ridicule the people working under him was hypocritical.

Oh, so Gibbs. Do as I say, not as I do!

There was the ridiculously childish competitiveness with Dr Jackson which had precipitated the terrible debacle with Janus’s lab. McKay’s competitive nature overpowered any caution and his duty of care as the chief scientific officer. All because he wanted to be the first to locate what amounted to the Holy Grail of Ancient’s labs. The bitter rivalry led to a devastating stoush with an offshoot of the Asgard and probably caused a massive loss of life for anyone near the stargates when they’d exploded, thanks to the Attero device that the Asgard stole from Janus’ secret lab.

The whole calamity may have been averted if the pair hadn’t been so intent on one-upping each other. It certainly reminded him of being on Gibbs’ team as he played his agents off against each other. They were not happy memories, it made him feel devalued and cheap.

That also reminded him of Gibbs and his rivalry with…well everyone. He despised other law enforcement agencies and police departments, believing they were vastly inferior to himself, refusing to collaborate, which in law enforcement should be the first priority, not petty rivalries.

Tony thought about McKay’s failure as chief science officer to prevent the catastrophic consequences for all of Pegasus when Dr Beckett created a drug to genetically modify the Wraith, its origin, the ill-fated Hoffan vaccine, It was hardly surprising that it resulted in the fucked-up situation with ‘Michael the Wraith’ and the apocalyptic-like destruction it brought down upon everyone. Tony conceded that it was Dr Beckett’s work on the Hoffan vaccine and his desire to make karmic lemonade from the lemons the vaccine produced.

It was undeniable that both projects were unmitigated disasters or that McKay’s position as chief science officer trumped Beckett’s when it came to pure science and research. He could have and should have shut it down. After all, the double Ph.D. had made it plain that he didn’t consider that medicine was even a proper science.

The cost borne by the peoples of Pegasus, including the Atlantis contingent, for these epic and arrogant blunders, were so incalculable. It made claims that McKay was tough on his people because he was afraid that they would make a catastrophic mistake a joke, or he’d have kicked Carson’s butt all the way back to the Milky Way. Dr McKay’s claims were nothing more than outrageous bullshit since his own record on creating catastrophic situations or of enabling other people to do so either, if they were his friends wasn’t exactly stellar.

Having endured Gibbs’ narcissism and his belief that his agents were little more than tools in his obsessive need to solve crimes, Tony didn’t see a whole lot of difference between his ex-boss and Dr Meredith Rodney McKay. McKay also seemed to view his team members (all gifted and highly respected scientists in their own right), in much the same light. As annoying but necessary cogs in the wheel, placed at his disposal to use any damned way he pleased, to achieve desired outcomes. Yet every last one of his scientists was also a flesh and blood individual with needs, hopes, fears and dreams. People who could easily be crushed by his yelling, vitriol, and sarcasm.

To see scientists of the calibre of Miko and Radek subject to such toxic abuse was an affront. It gave him insight into Agent Balboa and other team leaders who’d tried for years to convince Tony to request a transfer because he didn’t deserve to be abused for doing his job. Yet, like the Atlantis scientists who believed that McKay’s abuse was because he wanted to push them to be the best that they could be, Very Special Agent DiNozzo would argue with Balboa and co that Gibbs was only hard on him because he believed in him. Finally, but far too late, Tony had realised that even if that were the truth, the abuse couldn’t be justified. Belittling people, making them feel like crap about themselves, making them question their worth was no way to treat anyone or if you wanted to be pragmatic about it, get the best out of them. Even when you saw them as mere cogs in a machine or tools to get the job done.

Forget the rhetoric! It was merely a pusillanimous excuse by someone who had anger issues and chose to vent their rage on other people as a means to briefly calm their own emotions. However, that despicable behaviour was weak and unethical. The trouble with letting Gibbs and McKay get away with it, was that anger was a rapacious monster who required constant feeding.

Another justification he’d heard fairly frequently about Rodney McKay’s behaviour was his family had been neglectful or abusive to him and he’d been the subject of cruel bullying and victimisation at school. DiNozzo didn’t know if it was true or not, and if it was, he was sorry, since no kid deserved that ever. However, it seemed like a pretty weak excuse. Tony’s childhood had been less than stellar, and he’d encountered systemic bullying at the various boarding schools he’d attended. Yet he hadn’t become a despotic power-crazed individual, treating others like shit, nor did he view others as tools to be used and cast aside when they outlived their usefulness.

Granted, he was no angel, he had personality traits that weren’t desirable, and he could be annoying to work with. He willingly conceded that he’d teased Tim McGee pretty relentlessly. His heavy-handed tactics aimed at trying to toughen him up, so the green probationary agent survived the harsh realities of law enforcement. Particularly being able to stand up to the extreme behaviour of Gibbs because Tony was seriously fed up with the bastard chasing off every probie assigned to them.

That said, he’d never reduced McGee or any subordinates to tears or screamed at them to relieve his own anxiety or anger. He left that sort of behaviour for Gibbs, and he’d always tried to redirect the bad-tempered Marine’s wrath away from the juniors and onto himself. Tony would make an inappropriate remark or try to rile up the two Bs for bastard agent, so he would leave the junior team members alone. Mostly it worked, but not always, which was usually when the juniors became narky with him for not protecting them from their boss’ explosive temper.

So, given the similarities between his former boss and McKay, who also seemed able to treat others like pieces of shit and do so with impunity, Tony still found it surprising to empathise with McKay over the body sharing incident. His empathy and identification with Rodney despite his low opinion of the man, made Tony realise just how deeply affected he was by Ziva’s decision to use him as a sperm donor without his knowledge or consent.

Still, as uncomfortable as he felt in Cadman’s presence, he had a job to do. She was his partner and importantly, was highly qualified to assist in their objective of investigating Colonel Shepard’s disappearance. Plus, there was no denying that the Marine captain had become an increasingly important adult in Tali’s life. Tony was able to acknowledge that Laura’s ‘borrowing’ Dr McKay’s body wasn’t premeditated nor motivated by personal gain, merely a primeval desire to exist.

He also accepted that as soon as she realised that both their consciousnesses could not survive within the one body, she immediately volunteered to sacrifice herself for him. Laura understood that the success of the mission was far more dependent upon McKay’s survival as an expert on Ancient technology than on her. Like the good Marine she was, she’d offered to give up her life. She was inherently a good person and a credit to the Corps.

Being a glass half full kind of guy, Tony acknowledged that something good had come out of the debacle. Being so intimately acquainted with McKay, he didn’t intimidate her. In fact, Tony thought that she was amused by him, the way an adult did towards a pouty self-important adolescent. When they were frantically trying to locate a traitor who’d sabotaged Atlantis, Cadman had identified a gap in the data stream sequences which she thought might be deletion points in the system command logs.

When she’d brought it to McKay’s attention, the arrogant asswipe had been dismissive, telling her he had more experience working on that stuff than a tap-dancing explosives expert. He ordered her to stop looking and focus on cracking the failsafe code instead. Luckily for Atlantis, she’d ignored him, knowing that she was onto something important. And she was right! Her tenacity proved that Col Caldwell’s ID had been used to access the operating system enabling them to interrogate the real culprit and obtain the failsafe code. Without Laura, they wouldn’t have learnt the access code in time to stop the city blowing up.

Had it been one of Rodney McKay’s cowed scientists who’d made the initial discovery about the gaps in the system, and he’d shut them down like he had done with Cadman, Atlantis would have been blown to smithereens. Instead, a tap-dancing explosives expert stuck to her guns, following the evidence and saved the city at the eleventh hour. Aside from her ability to stand up to the CSO, Cadman demonstrated that she had the skills to become a competent investigator. Tony knew he was lucky for her help in searching for Col Sheppard.

So, after ensuring that Tali was asleep, Tony handed her a Marine strength coffee, black, no sugar, and sat down on the far side of the sofa to review the progress that they’d made so far. The rational part of his brain wished he could let his ambivalent feelings for Cadman drop; she was nothing like Ziva. The damaged part of his soul found it hard to trust her and he wondered if he’d be able to place his unequivocal trust in a woman ever again, or was he just too fucked up?

Giving himself a mental shake, he decided to get on with their briefing because he wasn’t going to miraculously fix this tonight. Best to focus on what Cadman was here for.

“Okay, what did Katana Labrea have to say when you spoke to her?” he asked.

“Labrea said that Larrin is definitely pissed off with Shepard over him beating her to finding the three Ancient ships, but that she is also sexually attracted to him.”

“It doesn’t mean she didn’t kill him in a fit of rage,” he pointed out, knowing how common that scenario was. Unfortunately, crimes of passion happened all the time.

“True but when I pointed that out to Katana, she claimed that Larrin had been salvaging a Wraith hive ship with Mila Roaks when Colonel Shepard went missing.”

When Tony gave her a blank look, Cadman explained, “Mila is a 19-year-old engineering prodigy who manages to keep Katana’s rusty old ship flying. She flew Dr Zelenka and Colonel Sheppard to M6H-987 to destroy the Attero device and save Dr Jackson and Rodney. Anyway, when Larrin found a Wraith ship, she borrowed Mila from Katana to help get the ship operational.”

Nodding assent, he noted, “An alibi supplied by an underling, especially a 19-year-old, isn’t ironclad proof that Larrin No Second Name didn’t have something to do with John Sheppard’s disappearance, but still, without being able to talk to this Mila, we can’t exactly disprove it though.” He pondered his cup of tea, he was rationing his coffee intake since he didn’t want to be awake all night. Between his own nightmares and Tali’s, sleep was a precious commodity.

“I guess we will just have to pursue other lines of enquiry at this stage. It isn’t as if there aren’t plenty of suspects to check out. If we find credible evidence that places Larrin at Croya, then we’ll have cause to question her, even if we can’t compel her to answer,” he said in frustration.

Cadman shrugged philosophically. “Should that situation arise, Ambassador AuClair could exert diplomatic pressure on the Travellers, since we are their Allies under the treaty we signed. I’m sure with all the engineering expertise and spare parts we’ve supplied in the last few years, they would not want to jeopardise the alliance.”

“Not unless they were in some way involved in him disappearing or wanted to cover it up,” he told her, his cop cynicism showing.

Cadman nodded. “True.”

“Alright, let’s leave Larrin to the side for now,” he said with a sigh, knowing that they needed to move on. “So, what about that woman, Shiana from Santhal? She voted to imprison Sheppard and the AR-1 team because that Wraith hybrid we created escaped and released the Hoffen plague on human planets to poison Wraith, killing many of Shiana’s people, including her husband and children. Revenge seems like an excellent motive to me.”

“Yes, it is an excellent motive, but if she was going to seek revenge Alex, why wait three years to do it?” Cadman queried.

“She might not have had the opportunity to take revenge on him or something may have happened fairly recently that triggered her need to avenge her family and her people,” he explained patiently.

“Look for a significant loss or some other sort of trauma that made her feel impotent and weak. It is what profilers encounter pretty regularly. A killer who has suffered great physical and or psychological abuse and then sometimes a random act of violence or the loss of a significant person pushes them over the edge, and they start killing.”

Tony pulled up the report on his tablet and reread the relevant bits.

“Shiana, judging by the reports of Sheppard and Richard Woolsey, was filled with pure hatred for the Atlantis expeditionary forces and completely unable to see them as anything but complicit in the deaths of her family. Just because the tribunal found them not guilty, do you honestly think she would simply accept the verdict and find closure? In my experience, that scenario isn’t likely.”

Laura nodded and curled her socked feet up underneath her, wriggling her butt to get comfortable. “Okay, if you think it is a possibility then I’ll start some discreet enquiries about her whereabouts and activities. Maybe we should talk to Lieutenant Colonel Lorne about speaking with Myrus from the Free Peoples of Riva.”

When he looked at her quizzically, she told him, “Myrus was the emissary of the Tribunal who was sent to inform Woolsey about AR1’s arrest and trial. Lorne persuaded Woolsey that Atlantis needed to negotiate with the Alliance and not escalate the situation by imprisoning Myrus. He’s maintained a cordial relationship with him since then. I can reach out to Kelore of Latira but just in case the Genii had anything to do with Colonel Shepard’s disappearance, we might want to keep a low profile.”

Tony nodded. The problem was that there were way too many suspects in this investigation, which was somewhat unusual. Laura was right, the last thing they wanted was to tip them off if it could be avoided.

“Okay, sounds like a plan. At some point, we will need to focus on the Genii because I trust them about as far as I can toss an inebriated hippopotamus, after reading the reports on our dealings with them. But let’s rule out the individual suspects before we take on the Genii,” he said ruefully.

“Agreed,” Cadman responded. “Although, if Kolya or Cowen were still alive, they’d be top of my list of suspects.”

“Are we sure they are dead?” Tony asked, being naturally suspicious by nature.

Cadman shrugged. “Colonel Sheppard shot Acastus Kolya on the planet Amullie back in the third year of the expedition and Rodney, Ronon and Teyla all confirmed he was dead. Unless the Wraith reanimated him after AR-1 departed, I’m fairly sure he’s dead. As for Cowen he was supposed to be vapourised by an atomic bomb after Ladon Radim staged a successful coup d’état blowing him and troops loyal to him up when Radim detonated the bomb.

“So, there was no body recovered and there were no witnesses,” Tony summarised briefly.

Laura nodded. “But if he were still alive, surely, he would have surfaced sooner. It’s been almost five years, and wouldn’t he target Radim too since he was the one who ousted him?”

“Yeah, you would think so but if he is responsible for Colonel Sheppard’s disappearance, he may have some sort of plan to take down Ladon Radim and he just hasn’t enacted his revenge plan,” he speculated. “But for now, let’s follow up on Shiana and I think we need to start looking at our people. Most murderers are known to the victims, often it is someone close to them and it is a crime of passion, jealousy or even a minor argument that gets heated.”

“You want to investigate everyone on Atlantis?”

“Well, we can start by ruling out everyone who arrived after he went missing, I think. But yeah, I think it’s highly likely someone on Atlantis was involved, even if it was just supplying Intel. on where AR-1 would be so they could intercept him at Croya.”

Despite her look of horror at the thought that one of their own might be complicit, she groaned. “We have more than two thousand residents here. Even if you discount the personnel who have arrived after the Colonel disappeared, that is a massive amount of people to interview.”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, I know but we mustn’t forget the personnel who were here and have finished their Atlantis deployment. Especially anyone who requested a transfer. I suggest that we start with them. We tell them we are investigating some suspicious thefts and talk to their colleagues and friends, plus we can question them at the same time, killing two birds with one stone.”

That’s a good idea. We can even question them in small groups.”

Tony considered her plan. “It would certainly make people less wary than a more formal one-on-one interview, but it is also harder to watch numerous individuals’ body language and tell if they are trying to be deceptive.” He tapped at the top of the tablet as he thought about it. “Hmm, maybe we could record it and then we could analyse it later on,” he mused.

“That’s doable,” Cadman told him, pleased to cut down on individual interviews.

“The other problem with interviewing groups is that if someone knows something but they are afraid to come forward, they aren’t going to want to open up in front of a group, but let’s try it this way and see how we go.” Tony figured that he would probably be able to suss out if people were hiding something. Then he would pull them aside and have a quiet word with them.

After Laura had departed, Tony couldn’t help feeling a sense of relief, but he knew that he wasn’t being fair to Cadman. It was true to say she hadn’t comported herself well during the whole sharing one body with Rodney McKay fiasco, and yet who knows how anyone, himself included, might act in the same situation. Self-preservation was a primal imperative.

As Tony moved around the apartment, tidying up after their dinner and meeting, Janae Progenius spoke to him mentally. (Perhaps you should go and speak to Chaya Sar, the High Priestess of Athar.)

Tony, feeling weary, partly due to the maelstrom of emotions he felt around Laura Cadman, was not firing on all cylinders. (Who?)

(She is what your people call an Ancient who ascended. Chaya Sar was banished by the other Ancients for interfering with her former people’s world when the Wraith attacked it.)

(Oh yeah, I remember reading something about it now. Wasn’t she sentenced to remain on the planet Proculus for eternity? That’s some punishment,) Tony commented.

(For the Ascended, there is no crime considered more heinous,) Janae Progenius informed him.

(So why should I speak with her? Do you think she may have something to do with Colonel Sheppard’s disappearance,) he asked the AI program?

(No, I believe there to be a 0.0008 percent chance that Chaya Sar had anything to do with it, but she was very taken with John Sheppard. When he returned to Proculus after her true identity was revealed she chose to join with the then Major Shepard in an intimate way.)

(They had sex?) he asked surprised at the concept. It was a little too William Riker for him

(No Alex, it was a joining of life forces, not something an Ancient would normally choose to do with someone who was not of their own kind. It likely altered him subtly. Perhaps she can track him, or at least determine if he is still alive or ascended.)

(Ascended?) Tony repeated.

(If he were near death, it might explain why you couldn’t locate his body. He spent time with the Ancients on the Planet of the Cloisters, who were trying to ascend but couldn’t achieve their goal. When they realised that it was the fear of a monster, one of their own making, no less, that was holding them back, they conquered it and ascended en masse. Teer wanted John Sheppard to go with them. He refused their offer then, but if he was close to death, he may have decided it was his only option to ascend. You should at the least consider the possibility, Defender.)

Tony realised that they did indeed need to investigate such a scenario, even if it was unpalatable. He didn’t want to go to Proculus to interview her. Still, they must leave no stone unturned.

The End of Part I

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