Reading Time: 103 Minutes

Title: One Who Laughs
Series: The Body is a Work of Heart
Series Order: 1
Author: EAlexBeau
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Episode Related, Family
Relationship(s): Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores
Content Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Hate Speech. Transphobia, Non-Graphic Childbirth, Character Bashing, Discussion of Past Birth Trauma, Canon Violence, Discussion of Past Domestic Violence
Author Note: When I originally plotted this story, it was always going to end the way it did. But then I had the bright idea to include two characters who had died before the story starts. Somehow I still kept the ending I wanted. Two cameos from CW’s The Flash appear in the story and there’s another character clearly inspired by my favorite movie. Chocolate chip cookies to whoever can figure it out.
Word Count: 45,891
Summary: Not even a pregnancy scare and a near fatal accident could keep Shannon and Eddie from divorce. Dating as a trans man was complicated for Evan Buckley, especially when none of the women he dated wanted kids. When the two best friends decide to have a child together as just friends, they embark on a journey that will either make or break their friendship.
Artist: Drake
Artist Appreciation: My gods, the art is amazing! Everyone give a round of applause to my artist, Drake!

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CHAPTER ONE

Everyone in his life knew that Buck was in therapy. A select few knew he was in therapy continuously as part of the treatment for his gender dysphoria. But looking at Eddie eyeing Dr. Snart’s ankle monitor made Buck realize that he hadn’t told them anything else about his therapy.

Dr. Snart was never one to shy away from his past, so Buck wasn’t surprised that the man bluntly opened the session by introducing himself to Eddie and telling Buck’s partner why he became a therapist.

“I’m Dr. Leonard Snart. I used to be a professional thief, robbing banks, museums, high end art galleries, and private collections. I also became known for escaping prison, but they usually found me right outside the gates or in the nearest police station. The authorities realized pretty quickly that I was bored. And that just like my robberies, I was in need of a puzzle. Eventually, a judge made me a deal. I stopped escaping or breaking into places, and in exchange I would be allowed to take classes in psychology. He called the human brain the ultimate puzzle. Upon completion of my doctorate, I was released under modified house arrest.”

The whole time Dr. Snart was monologuing, Eddie just stared straight ahead, his jaw getting lower and lower. It was a solid minute before Eddie moved, whipping his head around to look at Buck.

“What the hell, Buck?! What are you doing with this guy?! Is he even a real therapist?” he hissed.

“Yes, Eddie. Dr. Snart is a real therapist. I’ve also met with his parole officer who confirmed his credentials.

“I chose him as my therapist because I click with him, he doesn’t let my bullshit slide, and he’s actually helping me,” Buck defended his decisions. “If you don’t want him as your personal therapist, then don’t make any solo appointments with Dr. Snart. But if you are serious about being my sperm donor then you are going to sit in these sessions with me, because I am not putting off becoming a dad to go through couples therapists until we find one we both connect with.”

“So that’s why you finally brought him along to a session,” Dr. Snart commented, pulling a pen from the front pocket of his hoodie. As long as Buck had seen the doctor, he had worn thick hoodies in his office. Buck has started bringing his own sweaters along during their second appointment.

“What do you mean ‘finally brought him along?’” Eddie asked defensively. Buck knew his friend was extremely wary of therapy, but Eddie didn’t need to be so defensive like he was under attack.

“I asked Buck if it would be possible for you to join us for a session last year after the bombing and again following the Union investigation. He told me that it wouldn’t be possible, that everyone was ‘too busy,’” Dr. Snart explained.

“I would like to talk about those things with Eddie during a session,” Buck admitted, avoiding eye contact with his best friend. “But I only got Eddie to agree to come to this one session only and the topic we need to go over is serious.”

“Which is why I made sure you’re my last appointment of the day,” Dr. Snart assured Buck in the same even tone he always did. The only time Buck had ever heard the older man use a different tone of voice was when he told him about the bank robbery the One-Eighteen had been framed in. It had been hilarious to watch the normally calm and collected therapist lose his cool, becoming frustrated and irritated at the ‘incompetency’ of the actual would-be robbers.

“Let me guess, called Joe and he’s going to call when he gets off at five to see what we want for takeout? Then come sit with us until it’s time for you to go home?” Buck chuckled. More than once Dr. Snart had stayed with Buck after hours, accompanied by his parole officer, Joe West. Apparently, it was fascinating that Buck grew up the way he did and didn’t become a complete psychopath.

“And I only charge you and your insurance for the scheduled hour session.”

“I’m sorry, what’s going on?” Eddie cut into the pair’s banter, gripping one of the pillows on the couch. Dr. Snart had a wide variety of decorative pillows for gripping like Eddie was or throwing like Buck did in some sessions, just pelting the blank wall with pillows.

“My PO, Joe West, takes me to the office every morning and home every night. On days when I stay late with patients, he brings us dinner and sits in the corner with headphones and his laptop until we call it quits,” Dr. Snart explained.

“Joe’s cool. It’s easy to forget he’s there,” Buck assured his friend. “Except that one session where I ended up telling Dr. Snart about Marty and the bank robbery. I thought Joe would find the whole story funny, so I cleared him to listen in on that session.”

“Why did you tell them about the bank robbery? No one got hurt, I can’t see why you would’ve needed therapy for that,” Eddie remarked.

Buck groaned, once more reminded of the fact that everyone he knew believed therapy was only for when someone was in crisis, not something people just did continuously for maintenance so they didn’t end up in crisis.

“Other than wanting to talk about how I felt being framed for an armored truck and bank robbery? How about the complete invasion of privacy I felt about my sister’s apartment and my Jeep being tossed during the investigation and how terrifying being interviewed after that was? The fact that the detectives threw out the idea that I wanted the money to fund bottom surgery, implied I wasn’t a real man until then, and absolutely triggered my gender dysphoria?” Buck sarcastically questioned his best friend. “Gee, Eddie, I can’t imagine why I would want to talk any of that over with my therapist.”

“Joe signed several confidentiality agreements. Anything said here is immediately forgotten unless it involves me planning to commit a crime or otherwise break my house arrest,” Dr. Snart promised Eddie, making a few more notes.

“If you’re not comfortable with that, Eds, then you can leave after the scheduled session and come with me again in the next couple sessions or you can leave now and I’ll go back to my original plan of using an anonymous donor. The choice is up to you, Eddie.”

“Ok, I’ll stay,” Eddie finally agreed.

“Having another biological child seems very important to you, Eddie,” Dr. Snart observed. “Why?”

Buck shifted on the couch to look more closely at Eddie, curious at what the man would say.

Eddie moved the pillow in his lap closer to his stomach in a tighter grip. “I don’t just want another biological child out in the world. I want to be a dad again. My ex-wife and I almost had another baby last year, but her period was only late and we divorced not long after.”

“But you were upset that your ex-wife wasn’t pregnant?” Dr. Snart checked in with Eddie, making more notes.

“I was scared, but I love my son, Christopher, and I wished I’d been there from the beginning. The new baby was a change to make things right,” Eddie tried to explain to the doctor, a man who didn’t know his past.

“But there was no new baby,” Dr. Snart reminded him. “And being there for a second child during their infancy won’t rewrite history and make things right with your son about missing his, Eddie. That’s if Christopher is even upset about that.”

“I don’t think so. He idolizes his father,” Buck answered.

“Chris barely remembers that time. And the older he gets, the less that is,” Eddie admitted.

“So having another child is about you, not your son,” Dr. Snart summarized. “Which, having another child for someone else, not because you want one, would be unfair to the future child. Coming from someone with parents who were far from ideal and didn’t want children. You also need to want another child because you love being a father and want another child, not a do-over child.”

“I’ll be honest, Eddie, if you offered to be my sperm donor because you and Shannon didn’t have another child like you thought you would one day, or that this baby would be a do-over shield for you, I’m not comfortable saying yes to your offer,” Buck admitted.

“Buck, last we spoke you were planning to use an anonymous donor. What even made you consider Eddie as a possibility?”

Buck took a minute to gather his thoughts. Buck had been asking himself that same question since he’d realized he was seriously considering Eddie’s offer.

“I was looking at some donor profiles during some downtime at the station. We talked about how I should just casually browse different profiles to decide what I even want in a donor,” Buck rambled. “I didn’t even notice Eddie come up behind me.”

“You were pretty much in your own world,” Eddie recalled.

“I can’t even remember what I was thinking about. But I remember Eddie asked me if I was thinking about donating and I jumped a foot in the air.”

“Did you not know Buck was trans before then?” Dr. Snart questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“I, uh, kinda forgot,” Eddie sheepishly admitted, a blush faint across his face. “Only Hen, Bobby, and Maddie knew before the bombing. It was only mentioned once, right when we dropped him off at the ER. With the chaos of that, and the investigation and my divorce, I just forgot. Plus, Buck passes extremely well and we never talk about it.”

“Do we talk about your intimate medical history all of the time?” Buck snapped, grabbing his own pillow to clutch in frustration. Almost immediately, Buck regretted snapping at Eddie and took a few deep breaths to calm down. Buck waited until he was calm enough to fully think through what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it before speaking again.

“I’m sorry for snapping, Eddie. You’re right, we never talked about the fact that I’m trans. We’ve also never talked about if you know anyone else who’d trans, not that it would help much. Every trans person has their own trans experience. Personally, for me, I hate saying or being told that I ‘pass as a man.’ I am a man, full stop. I always have been, despite my body. No one would say that you pass well as a man,” Buck explained.

“I don’t think that I know anyone else who’s trans, but I didn’t know that about you for a long time. I think I might need to do some research,” Eddie stated, groaning by the end.

“I’ll get you some resources,” Buck promised. “I’ll tell you about my own story, but like I said, my story isn’t everyone’s story and I’ve never been comfortable speaking for other trans people and teaching someone who’s cis about the trans community. It is not my job or duty to educate others.”

“No,” Dr. Snart agreed. “There are members of the LGBTQ+ community who take that burden on. Your only ‘duty’ is to simply live your life.”

“Guess I’ve got a lot to learn.”

“One should never think they’re done learning,” Dr. Snart quipped. “Are we ready to go back to why Buck changed his mind about an anonymous donor?”

“Yes,” Buck and Eddie simultaneously agreed.

“So Eddie snuck up behind me and asked if I was thinking about donating. I just sarcastically asked Eddie why he thought I would want to go through fertility treatments to harvest my eggs and not use them for myself.”

“You just looked at me with this raised eyebrow like I was the biggest idiot ever. Then after the thing about harvesting your eggs I remembered Hen telling the ER staff that you’re trans and on testosterone.”

Buck just nodded to acknowledge his best friend’s words before turning back to his therapist. “No one was around to add their own two cents, so I told Eddie that I was thinking about having a baby and trying to narrow down traits for the other genetic parent. Which was when Eddie just blurted out that he could donate for me.”

“Just blurted it out, no pause to think?” Dr. Snart checked, making some more notes.

“Just said it,” Buck confirmed. “I asked him for some time to think about it because I was still not a hundred percent sure I was ready to go through pregnancy.”

“I was kinda shocked by how relieved I was that you didn’t just immediately turn me down.”

“So was I. But I got thinking. I’ve told you about Daniel and I can’t deny that his story played a part in why I even considered your offer. Worst case scenario, having access to my child’s other genetic parent was a plus. But I had worries, which is why I originally wanted an anonymous donor and why I insisted on this meeting.”

“What are you worried about?” Eddie asked.

“You specifically or in general? Dr. Snart and I have already talked about my general worries.”

“But Eddie doesn’t know those, so it’s worth talking about again,” Dr. Snart pointed out.

“True,” Buck whispered. “So I had people I could ask if I wanted to use a known donor, but outside of you, Chim, and Bobby, I’m not close enough to anyone to ask that. Partially because of the custody issue. I’m not willing to co-parent with any of my acquaintances, so I would want full custody. With that would be the issue of how much contact would I, or whoever I asked to be my donor, want. The only pro of a known donor was the Daniel thing.

“Ultimately, I decided that obviously Chim and Bobby weren’t appropriate choices and you have Shannon and Chris to think about so I didn’t ask any of you. There’s also all of the different advances in cancer treatment and the bone marrow database is huge compared to when I was born. With my desire for full custody if I used a known donor I wasn’t as close to, which, I admit isn’t very fair of me to ask of anyone, an anonymous donor just made the most sense.”

Eddie was quiet as he absorbed everything Buck had just told him. For most of the conversation, both Eddie and Buck had been tucked into the corners of the couch so they could see each other and Dr. Snart. Following Buck’s little speech about why he chose to go the anonymous donor route, Eddie turned so he was sitting sideways on the couch, one leg folded under him to fit, only facing Buck. In response, Buck turned to mirror Eddie.

“If you’d already dismissed me as an option, why even consider it when I offered to be your donor?”

“I decided not to ask you because I didn’t want to add one more thing to your plate. Asking you to be my child’s other genetic parent is a big thing. Especially after the pregnancy scare with Shannon.”

Buck was relieved that Eddie kept taking his time to think before responding, instead of just reacting. Which was something they were both guilty of.

“And your worries about me specifically? Do they have anything to do with you wanting full custody?” Eddie asked.

Out of the corner of his eye, Buck saw Dr. Snart shift and maybe raise an eyebrow? Buck hadn’t talked about why he was torn about Eddie’s offer with Dr. Snart at all.

“Since you got home from Afghanistan, you’ve had Chris with you constantly. Other than sleepovers with family and friends, Chris lives with you and spends his nights with you. Chris spends days with Shannon, but you guys are still working toward overnights. I’m worried about how you would handle the baby not living with you twenty-four-seven. Because when the baby is young, I would primarily want them with me.”

“I have a lot of regrets about Chris, you know that, but I also would freak out if my child didn’t live with me,” Eddie admitted. “I would be constantly worried about them.”

“Could the two of you live together?” Dr. Snart questioned. “Perhaps for the first year or two of the potential baby’s life?”

“I was already planning to move out of the loft before getting pregnant, so moving in with Eddie and Chris wouldn’t be too hard. But I would want my own room, other than having the baby with me for the first couple of months, so your house won’t work,” Buck turned back toward Eddie.

“I guess I would be worried about after that year or two were up. Would we keep living together? Who would keep whatever four bedroom house or apartment we rented? Or would we buy and then sell? How would custody work then?” Eddie rambled.

“Renting vs. buying is something we can talk about on our own over the next few months,” Buck suggested, picking lint off the pillow now laying in his lap. “It’s probably going to be more than a year before there’s actually a baby, so we have time. I would like a vague idea of custody before we leave today.”

“Just physical custody?” Dr. Snart prompted, accompanied by the scratching of the pen on paper.

Buck hesitated before all but whispering, “no.”

“Can you explain what you mean about that?”

Buck shot a look at Eddie before turning to talk directly to Dr. Snart. Eddie’s temper was getting better, but over the last year, only Chris had been spared Eddie’s anger, and Buck didn’t want to trigger it in the middle of a therapy session. Hopefully looking at Dr. Snart would soften the blow.

“When Eddie was deployed, he and Shannon made decisions about Chris together over video and phone calls. But never in person and I don’t know how they dealt with different opinions on those decisions. Did they fight? If they did, how did they resolve those fights? Who made the ultimate choice if they reached an impasse?

“After Eddie was… home…” Buck trailed off here, bringing the pillow back up to his chest to hug. Dr. Snart and Eddie kindly gave Buck his moment.

“After Eddie was discharged, he was the sole decision maker. Eddie thought that moving to LA was what was best for Chris? They moved to LA. I helped Eddie find Carla, Chris’ homecare aid, who helped him find private schools covered by a state grant, but Eddie chose the school. Eddie chose Chris’ doctors, he decided when Chris stayed home from school, which treatment to follow from the doctors, etc. I’m worried about how Eddie will adapt to talking that kind of stuff out and occasionally being overruled because sometimes we won’t agree and I know I would resent Eddie very quickly and feel undermined if he made all of the decisions.”

“It makes sense you’d be worried about that,” Dr. Snart reassured Buck. “Until now, you’ve been preparing to be the sole decision maker. Which is the only kind of parenting that Eddie has realistically known. What do you think about all of this Eddie? Do you think you’d adapt to needing to make parenting choices with someone else?”

Buck watch as Eddie took some deep breaths through his nose, his eyes clenched closed, the seams of his pillow on the verge of ripping from Eddie’s grip on it. His best friend was obviously upset, but Buck was comforted that at least he wasn’t yelling.

“When I was growing up, my mother was the one who made all of the parenting decisions. My father was always working, so she was the only one around to make them,” Eddie began slowly. “And when I was deployed, I just deferred to whatever choice Shannon made about Chris because she actually knew him well enough to decide what’s best. Isn’t that just how it is? One parent makes the decisions.”

“No, Eddie,” Buck sighed. “Parents, whether they’re in a relationship or not, should make choices together.”

“And if we can’t agree? What then?”

“Then we keep talking. I’m sure there will be a million things we don’t agree on,” Buck stated. He dropped the pillow he’d been holding and roughly ran his hands over his face.

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Eddie muttered.

“This session isn’t about making you feel better, Eddie,” Dr. Snart was very blunt with his words and tone. “This session is about helping you two learn to communicate. Buck, can you maybe give an example of something you two might not agree on?” Dr. Snart suggested. “Maybe a big issue and a small one?”

“Ok,” Buck agreed. He got up and paced for a minute while he gathered his thoughts. “Ok, small issue? Sleepovers. I’m sure there will be times when one of us agrees with letting the baby, or child I guess, attend a sleepover and the other doesn’t.” Buck ran his hands over his face again and walked over to the minifridge Dr. Snart had in his office, grabbing a bottle of water for himself and another one for Eddie. When he sat back down and handed it over, Eddie had an eyebrow raised.

“We need therapy to figure out whether our kid should be able to go to sleepovers?” Eddie teased.

“Buck, can you expand on that? What’s something that might cause that conflicting decision and how could you see it being resolved?”

Buck twisted the cap off of his water and took a sip before answering. “If one of us doesn’t know the parents of the other kid as well as the other. I would hope that we would trust each other enough to say yes to a sleepover in that case. Or if one of us said yes and the other planned a family dinner. It’s more of a miscommunication than a disagreement, but it’s another example of us disagreeing and one person being the final decision maker. It’s also interchangeable, so neither of us is constantly making those choices and isolating the other.”

“I didn’t think about that kinda thing,” Eddie sheepishly admitted.

“I’ve been thinking about parenthood since I was twenty-five. I was still in my leg cast when I started actively talking to Dr. Snart to try and come up with a plan to become a parent,” Buck explained. He’d been tense since he sat back down, but seeing Eddie open up to what Buck was saying instead of viewing it as an attack on his parenting let Buck relax back into the couch.

A knock on the office door had everyone looking toward it. Dr. Snart shot a look at the clock on the wall and called, “come on in, Joe!”

A man with a goatee and a peaked cap slid into the room, moving over to Dr. Snart’s desk in the corner. “Snart, Buck. And someone new,” the man acknowledged.

“Eddie Diaz, Buck’s best friend,” Eddie introduced himself with a short wave.

“Joe West, Snart’s PO. Did they explain why I’m here?” the officer asked as he set up a laptop from his shoulder bag.

“Yep.”

“I figured we could order pizza?”

There was a quick discussion about toppings before Joe put in the Door Dash order and earbuds, leaving the rest of them to continue their session.

“Let’s table the big example Buck had for parenting disagreements and talk about communication.”

 

CHAPTER TWO

Two weeks after their joint therapy appointment, Buck and Eddie were lounginG around the older man’s house, just enjoying some takeout, beer, and a movie that Christopher couldn’t watch while the boy was enjoying a sleepover with Denny.

They were toward the end of their second beer each when Eddie got brave enough to ask about whatever was on his mind.

“So, um, why did you say it would probably take more than a year before we actually have a baby?” Eddie questioned after taking a fortifying breath. “Shannon and I weren’t even trying with Chris or our scare last year,” he clarified.

“And Shannon is a cis-woman who you were fucking every chance you got,” Buck bluntly reminded him. “Which, I have no problem with dick, even if I’m not attracted to men. I’ve fucked several trans women and been fucked by them and two high school boyfriends when I was trying to ignore who I am.

“Having said all of that, I am not having sex with you just to get pregnant,” Buck clarified.

“How are you planning to get pregnant then? Turkey baster?” Eddie teased. But Buck knows his best friend. His grip on the beer bottle was turning the knuckles on that hand white, his eyes kept shifting, and there was a blush across his tan cheeks. Eddie was nervous.

“No, Eddie,” Buck sighed. “I’m planning to involve as many doctors as I need to.”

“Shouldn’t that make getting pregnant even quicker and easier?”

“I was planning to talk about this after we decided for sure for you to be my donor,” Buck began, “but I guess we’re talking about it now.”

“Your tone is making me think that we need something stronger than beer,” Eddie half joked, half suggested with a raised eyebrow.

“I wouldn’t say no to a shot or two of tequila, but we should probably be at least somewhat sober for this conversation.”

“A shot each and then soda,” Eddie decided as he downed the rest of his beer and hauled himself up off the couch. Buck poured the last bit of beer from his own bottle into his mouth before handing it off to Eddie to recycle.

While Eddie was gone, Buck turned the movie off and made himself comfortable. Once Eddie was sitting across from him, Buck accepted and downed the shot he was offered. He just knew he was going to need the liquid courage to get through the following conversation.

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I grabbed you a diet Dr. Pepper. I’m all out of those weird Japanese ones you like,” Eddie told him, pointing to the drinks on the coffee table.

“Thanks. So, I’d like to start with a warning that I wanted us to talk more about the custody issue partially because of the financial aspect of getting pregnant.” Buck reached for the soda to give himself a moment to gather his thoughts. “My original plan was to take fertility drugs for a month or two to increase my egg production. Since using an anonymous donor would only give me one, maybe two shots, at conceiving with a single donor, I figured I would increase my chance by fertilizing my eggs first, give me more chances with conceiving with my chosen donor.”

“But my offer changed those plans?” Eddie questioned.

“Only if we come up with a custody plan and I accept your offer,” Buck firmly reminded Eddie. “If I accept now, I would want to immediately begin the process of getting pregnant. We’d still need to have those talks, but it would only add more pressure,” Buck tried to explain his thought process. “And if I was already pregnant and we realized that we have very different parenting ideas and can’t compromise, it would be a disaster.”

Eddie tensed up the more Buck talked about his concerns. “Do you really think I’m that bad of a parent?” he grit out.

“No!” Buck all but yelled. Buck took a couple of deep breaths and reminded himself that Eddie had been on the receiving end of such accusations from his own parents before. Eddie was probably hyper focused or hyper aware of any hint of someone else accusing him of being a bad parent.

“I don’t think you’re a bad parent,” Buck said much more calmly. “I think you’re a great father to Christopher. But you’re a single parent learning to co-parent with someone who’s more than happy to defer to you and only sees her kid every other weekend at most right now. You need to learn to compromise and occasionally defer to someone else’s wishes,” Buck explained again.

Buck watched Eddie breath for a few minutes and calm himself down.

“I’d like to only talk about custody with Dr. Snart as a mediator,” Buck stated, almost out of nowhere. “I think it’s an extremely emotional topic that we need help to talk about.”

“We need to figure out how to talk about this without a shrink,” Eddie argued.

“We do,” Buck agreed. “But we aren’t there yet and Dr. Snart can help us get there.”

Eddie grabbed his own bottle and tolled it between his hands before suddenly deflating, leaning back into the couch and nodding.

“I’ll make an appointment, I just need to know what time works for you,” Buck whispered.

“I’ll look at my schedule tomorrow and let you know,” Eddie sighed before taking another swig of soda.

“Ok. Still want to talk about the actual timeline and process of me getting pregnant?” Buck checked.

“I think I need to hear it,” Eddie whispered. He paused before continuing in a slightly louder, more confident voice. “I think I have some preconceived ideas about pregnancy because of how young I was when Chris was born and how much of a surprise that pregnancy was. I think I might also have a bit of a fantasy of how it should go, getting pregnant on purpose.”

“Ok, so it’s more of a process because I’m trans and I’m not comfortable having sex with you, even just clinically with no emotions. I don’t think our friendship could survive the awkwardness.”

Eddie winced at that. “Yeah, we’ve been in some awkward situations, but that might be a little much,” the older man agreed with a shudder.

“So, it’ll probably be another couple months of negotiation, let’s round up to three months, that takes us into June,” Buck began, pulling out his phone and opening notes. “Then I need to go off of testosterone and wait for my period to come back. That will take a minimum of two months, best case scenario.” Buck kept typing as he talked, making a note to talk to Dr.Snart some more about the dysphoria he felt at the mere thought of experiencing his period again.

“So now we’re in August,” Eddie concluded.

“Yep. I need to have at least three menstrual cycles so I can figure out when I’m ovulating. We can include August as the first, so now it’s November before we can even try to get pregnant. Seven to nine months have gone by, best case.” Buck took a long pull from his soda while he let Eddie think about all of the information Buck just dumped on him.

“Ok, so more than half a year before we even try, now I get why you aren’t concerned about our living situations. We have plenty of time to talk about that,” Eddie acknowledged.

“Honestly, I think it’ll be the least emotionally charged series of discussions, but also the longest ones.”

“So, actually getting pregnant,” Eddie pressed a couple minutes later.

“I want to try IUI, intrauterine insemination, without fertility meds,” Buck blurted out. “It’s cheaper and less stressful on my mental health. I had no choice but to do the full blown hormone treatment that is IVF with an anonymous donor since I’d only have the one donation. But since you could theoretically donate whenever, I’d have more chances. Which is good because it can take two or three tries with IUI,” Buck rambled.

“I didn’t even think about how much this would cost,” Eddie groaned.

“IUI can cost between five-hundred and four-thousand dollars. It depends on if I need meds and how long we store your sperm, plus all of the monitoring and blood tests. IVF, in vitro fertilization, can cost twenty-thousand dollars per cycle. But that includes the meds, the egg retrieval, the fertilization, testing the embryos for viability, then implantation,” Buck explained. “I’m planning to assume these costs. I have money put aside just for this in investment accounts.”

“It’s my kid too,” Eddie pointed out. “I should pay for all of this too.”

“Compromise?” Buck suggested. He knew how stubborn Eddie could be, especially about money, and Buck didn’t want to fight. “You can pitch in for the IUI and if you insist on it and I need IVF, you’ll pay that same amount. But since most of these costs are based on medical procedures I need to go through, and I have been saving for this for years, I’m going to pay for that.”

“Buck-”

“I’m not comfortable with you paying for my medical costs when I can afford them myself,” Buck insisted. “I know you want to pay your fair share, but this is a boundary for me.”

“Fine, I’ll agree to that for now,” Eddie conceded.

“I’ll take it.”

“How many rounds of IUI do you want to try before trying IVF? And other than the cost, why not go right to IVF?” Eddie asked.

This wasn’t an easy topic for Buck to talk about with anyone, even Dr. Snart and Daniel, his older brother. But if he and Eddie were going to have a baby together, they needed to talk about the difficult things.

“Do you remember last year, when Karen and Hen were trying to have a baby and Karen was going through fertility treatments?” Buck began.

“Sure,” Eddie said. “And I’d never say this in front of Hen and Karen, but the way she kept crying over nothing during your requalification party was hilarious.”

“Yeah, I’m not looking forward to telling them I’m going through IVF after how their attempt ended,” Buck softly admitted. “I don’t want to hurt them, especially if it works for me, for us, when it didn’t for them.”

“I don’t think they’ll be upset, Buck. Maybe a little sad, but they’ll be happy for you. They’re also excited about fostering,” Eddie comforted him.

“It’s still a concern I didn’t even realize I had until now.”

“So that’s not why you don’t want to try IVF right away?” Eddie looked so confused, and Buck could see where Chris got his habit of cocking his head to the side when his homework stumped him.

“No, I brought up Hen and Karen doing IVF to remind you of how the hormones affected Karen. Just thinking about having a period for months is making me feel dysphoric.” Buck shuddered and put a reminder in his phone to call Dr. Snart’s office first thing in the morning to put him on the cancellation list for the coming week. “Going through the pregnancy is going to be mentally the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And getting an early taste of that by going through fertility treatments for egg retrieval would be worth it when I only had so many chances with an anonymous donor.

“But since you could make multiple, er, donations, I can go through IUI, which is less hormones and medications. I can even try it for several months without any hormone treatment.”

“So even though it’ll take longer, you want to try something less mentally taxing?” Eddie summed up Buck’s explanation.

“Yes. I’m thinking I’ll try three rounds of IUI without hormones. It has the same chances of me getting pregnant as if I just had sex. If I don’t get pregnant in those first three attempts, then I’ll do a couple more rounds with some low level hormones. If three rounds of that doesn’t work, then I’ll go through full blown IVF,” Buck laid out.

“I guess I’m just concerned about this timeline you have,” Eddie admitted. “We’re looking at not getting pregnant until this time next year with your timeline. And that’s using your ‘optimistic’ estimates. Are we supposed to just put our lives on pause until then?”

“We would both still be able to live our lives outside of medical appointments, most of which would be mine.”

“And what about dating and our families?” Eddie continued.

“If you want to tell your family about this then that’s your choice. I’m only planning to tell Daniel. I know he’ll support me. Maddie, on the other hand, has a tendency to question and judge every choice I make out of ‘concern,’” Buck grumbled. “As for dating, that’s up to you too. I’m not planning on seriously dating anytime soon and until I’m pregnant and/or in a serious relationship it’s no one’s damn business.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Eddie. Your family and who and when you date is entirely your business. I can ask you to not discuss this with anyone at the firestation. I can also tell you that if and when you date, she’ll be your girlfriend, not another parent. If either of us ever get into a relationship serious enough to consider our partner another parent or they want to go through stepparent adoption, then that is something we can talk about again then.”

Eddie rolled his drink between his hands. “I don’t know that I’d ever be comfortable with that,” he softly admitted.

“Your hypothetical future partner going through stepparent adoption, or mine?” Buck clarified.

“I don’t know,” Eddie sighed. “I don’t want either of us to lose our rights, for one. Two, I guess I’ve always believed that kids only have two parents.”

“Neither of us would lose our parental rights if we went through a stepparent adoption,” Buck assured. “California is one of the few states that allows for three legal parents.”

“I don’t know, Buck,” Eddie sighed. “Right now we don’t even have a kid, but the idea of one of us getting married and letting our wife adopt the baby feels like we’re replacing the other. Especially when I know you have concerns about my ability to co-parent.”

“Would it help if I told you the idea of you marrying a woman and her adopting our hypothetical child infuriates me and sets off my gender dysphoria?” Buck offered in a light tone, trying to treat it like a joke before giving up and taking a sip of his drink.

“A, it was your idea. B, what do you mean it sets off your gender dysphoria?”

“Just because the thought makes me angry doesn’t mean I don’t accept that it’s something that might happen,” Buck defended. “As for my dysphoria, I know my future wife, if I even get married, will respect my place in my child’s life as their carrier and birther. If she doesn’t respect that I did that and can be my child’s primary parent without being a mom,” Buck shivered at the mere thought of being called any form of mother. “Well, that relationship won’t last long. But I can’t force you to break up with a woman who doesn’t respect that and tries to take on the traditional role of a mom because our baby doesn’t have one.”

“I don’t completely understand your worries, but I can respect that you have them. Can we table this topic until it’s relevant?”

“Absolutely,” Buck agreed.

“Do you think Shannon would let a future partner adopt Christ? Since it’s possible without either of us losing our parental rights?” Eddie whispered into the silence that followed their conversation.

“I’m your best friend, Eddie,” Buck reminded him. “I will always try to support you when it comes to your relationship with Shannon. But I’m not getting into how you guys parent Chris, that’s your business.”

“Ok, but I’m giving you permission this time, and any time in the future. Sometimes I need to talk all of this our and you know my family hate Shannon and won’t be able to think rationally.”

Buck finished off his soda and got up to rinse and recycle the bottle, grabbing another on his way back. Making sure he was comfortable and Eddie didn’t need anything, Buck finally answered the other man’s question.

“I honestly don’t know,” Buck sighed. He put his fresh soda down to clutch a pillow to his chest. “I don’t know Shannon very well, but she seems committed to repairing her relationship with Chris. She might also see your future wife adopting Chris as a threat to her role in his life, even if she keeps her rights. She might also think it’s not her place to have her potential future husband adopt Chris, if she even marries before Chris turns eighteen.”

“That’s still almost ten years away,” Eddie pointed out. “You don’t think she’d remarry before then?”

“I mean, maybe? But you told me she said she need to learn how to be a mom again before she learned how to be a wife. She’s still only comfortable seeing Chris for a few hours every other week, granted her accident played a part since her recovery took so long.”

Eddie held up his finger to pause the conversation with a quick, “I need to piss, hold that thought.” Buck decided to use the bathroom break to replace Eddie’s soda, then used the bathroom after him. Once they were settled on the couch again, they picked the conversation back up again.

“Does Shannon want to increase her time with Chris to equal custody between you?” Buck asked.

“She doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready for fifty-fifty custody, but maybe something like forty-sixty custody?” Eddie tried to explain. “I think she’s afraid of burning out again, so she wants the safety net of me having majority custody.”

“Ok, well that’s still going to take time to build up to,” Buck pointed out, “probably years. And after you guys were forced to rush into a marriage way too young by your parents because of Chris, I mean, did you too even seriously date anyone other than each other?”

“I mean, not really? We met when we were freshman and we dated on and off for years. I know she saw a couple of guys during our ‘off’ periods. But we usually broke up because I was too busy with sports or helping my mom with the girls. Then I was in the army and Shannon was trying to keep her grades up enough to keep her scholarship,” Eddie confessed.

“Ok, for some people, high school sweethearts breaking up and always coming back together is a really sweet, romantic Hallmark movie plot. But I can totally see how that, plus what I know of your marriage, well I can see how you guys ended up the way you did, which leads me to my next point.

“You two don’t know what you want in a relationship. You’ve never really experimented. And I love you, man, but you really need to work on your communication skills, and I bet Shannon does too. I don’t see either of you jumping into another marriage. You’ll probably date multiple people for years before either of you marry, which Shannon will probably put off until she’s comfortable with her relationship with Chris.

“And he’s the last variable of how Shannon might feel about one of your future partners performing a stepparent adoption.”

“What do you mean Chris himself is a variable?”

Buck lightly kicked Eddie in the shin, the same way he would punch his arm when he thought the older man was being obtuse. “Chris is nine, he has a relationship with you both. If we move in together then I’ll be another parent figure at most, fun live-in uncle at the least. By the time you guys remarry new partners, Chris may not want to be adopted.”

“But our baby would?” Eddie sassed.

“Not getting pregnant for a year. Even if one of us meets someone when the hypothetical baby is a toddler and date for years, or meet someone when they’re in preschool, they’ll have grown up with that person. They won’t really remember a life without that partner. I don’t think they would care, or even be old enough to understand. If neither of us meet or marry anyone until the possible baby is older, then they would get a say of course.”

Eddie groaned as he ran a hand roughly over his face. “When I offered to be your sperm donor, none of this was on my mind. I figured we would just agree to have a baby together and that would be it.”

Buck laughed at the admission. “I mean, you kinda just blurted out that I could use your sperm when you realized I wanted a baby. To be fair, I don’t think you had anywhere near enough time to think about any of this. But they are things we need to talk about in order to actually raise a baby together.”

“In my defense, I was still a little embarrassed that I had forgotten that you were trans and wanted to help my friend.”

Buck clapped Eddie on the shoulder and gave him a bright smile. “Considering I never talk about the fact that I’m trans, I don’t blame you for forgetting about it, so don’t worry about it. It’s all forgiven if you need to hear it. And I do appreciate your offer. Please don’t think my hesitancy and me hounding you on this stuff means I don’t or that I think you’re a bad parent.”

Eddie mirrored Buck’s hand on his shoulder and returned his smile. “I’m starting to get that. I think I’m just so used to taking questions about my parenting as criticism because of my parents.”

“Yeah, I’m already dreading having to tell my parents about this. They aren’t my biggest fans. No offense, but you’re on your own when you tell your parents about the new baby,” Buck teased, his tone light but his face serious.

“Great. Thanks, Buck,” Eddie drawled sarcastically. “You’ve made a lot of comments about your parents, but you never really talk about them,” he probed.

Buck sighed. “It’s complicated. Most of it has to do with Daniel, but not all of it. Think we can table that story for now? I think we’re both emotionally wrung out enough for one night.”

Eddie agreed before changing the subject to something less emotionally taxing.

“So, what were you thinking of for a house or apartment for all of us?”

“House,” Buck answered without hesitation. “We need at least four bedrooms and two bathrooms, plus it needs to be accessible for Chris and finding all of that in a ground floor apartment seems like a minor miracle.”

“The rent for that will probably be absolutely insane,” Eddie groaned.

This is where Buck hesitated. From talks he and Eddie had about life in Texas, before he decided to move to LA, Buck knew the elder Diazes used Eddie’s financial situation against him. It left him sensitive to the topics of money and providing for his family. But it was something they needed to talk about, so Buck pulled on his metaphorical big boy pants and opened his mouth.

“I know you’ve heard the jokes about me and one of the department therapists from my probie year,” Buck began. “As part of the department settlement when the union threatened to sue if I wasn’t allowed back on shift, I was required to see a department specific therapist. What happened with Wells came out when I tried to insist on only seeing Dr. Snart. I was too terrified to sue her for malpractice until the department agreed to back me. She and her insurance agreed to settle out of court just before Christmas.”

“What does that have to do with renting a house?”

“It means I have several hundred-thousand dollars I can use as a downpayment to buy a house,” Buck deadpanned.

In response, Eddie chugged the rest of his soda and got up with a quick, “I think it’s time to switch back to beer.”

 

CHAPTER THREE

“Buck, stop staring at her or I’m reporting you to HR when we get home!” Hen hissed at him while they waited for their orders.

“What?” Buck questioned.

“You’re being creepy!” Hen continued to berate him.

“I’m not staring at the woman!” Buck tried to defend himself. “I think the guy next to her is Paul Strickland. He’s a trans firefighter I follow on Instagram. How insane is it that we get sent on special deployment and there’s another trans firefighter?!” the blond enthused.

Hen’s expression softened at Buck’s excitement and explanation. Hen remembered the first time she was in a space with someone like her that wasn’t meant just for them. “That’s very cool, Buck. But right now isn’t the time or place. It looks like we’re on the same shift so maybe you can talk to him during our next rest period.” she suggested.

Luckily, Buck ended up working the fireline with some of Paul’s crewmates and was able to confirm that it was Paul Strickland. Buck was also fortunate that Paul’s crewmates, T.K. and Mateo, were ok with him sticking close since his own crewmates had abandoned him. But in Buck’s experience, the universe required balance in some form. For everything positive that happened, everything good, something negative, something bad, also had to happen. Sometimes it wasn’t totally equal, one had a bigger impact than the other. Today, the bad won out when Buck, T.K. and Mateo returned from the fireline to discover Hen and T.K.’s father, Captain Owen Strand, had been in a helicopter crash beyond the fireline in an active burn area.

Buck, Eddie, and the remaining members of the Austin One-Twenty-Six argued with the incident commander to go and get their lost comrades, but they were firmly denied. As much as Buck wanted to argue some more or come up with a plan with everyone else, the others broke up into smaller groups in order to rest and get something to eat to regain their strength. His watch chirping with a reminder that it was time for Buck’s shot made him deflate and put his bone deep need to find Hen on pause.

Buck tried to find Eddi to get his help with his shot, but quickly gave up and prioritized administering the actual shot. It was frustrating because it had been Eddie who insisted on helping Buck with his shot because he had been feeling so disconnected from the conception process. They administered Buck’s fertility shot on a very strict schedule, it was habit after only a little over a week, so Eddie should have been there.

By the time Buck reached the One-Eighteen’s engine, where all of their stuff was still stored, his anger and frustration had only grown. This was a problem for him. Buck wasn’t normally someone to argue against any type of superstition, so it was no surprise that he believed in ‘the power of positive thinking.’ That belief, mixed with every IVF blog he’d read in the last six months since he went off T promoting approaching any step in the IUI or IVF process with calmness and positivity, had Buck stopping before he even pulled out his shot kit.

Buck needed to calm down and take some deep breaths, so he began working through some exercises that Dr. Snart had given Buck for when he got overwhelmed. Buck reminded himself that being in Texas again was stressful enough for Eddie. Compounding that with working on an out of control wildfire and the worry they were all feeling for Hen and Captain Strand, it was no surprise it slipped Eddie’s mind that it was time for Buck’s shot. Buck also had to admit that his anger and frustration was mostly from the incident commander not letting them try to rescue Hen. Eddie was just a convenient target for those feelings.

Mood swings were a known side effect of Buck’s fertility treatment, so he had been prepared for them. What Buck hadn’t been prepared for was how often those mood swings involved anger instead of sadness. More calm than when he first approached the engine (and able to recognize this as another possible source of his anger toward Eddie), Buck pulled out his phone and made a note to talk to Dr. Snart about that anger. With that handled, Buck pulled out his shot kit and prepared the next dose of his fertility treatment. While he drew the meds into the syringe, prepped the needle, and the spot on his abdomen where he administered the shot every time, Buck thought of his future. He thought of lounging in bed, feeling his child move inside of him, of teaching a little girl to ride a bike or Eddie playing catch with their son. The thoughts brought a smile to Buck’s face as he brought needle to skin.

Buck was surprised when he heard someone call “Buckley!” right before he pushed the plunger down. He spun around, still holding his shirt up in one hand and the syringe in the other.

“Marjan,” he acknowledged as he capped the used needle and cleaned up his mess to dispose of later. “Fertility drugs,” Buck explained. “I’m trying to get pregnant.” Buck had been caught in similar circumstances taking his T and been accused of drug use. Now, he was always quick to tell new people the truth to prevent those accusations.

“Diaz didn’t mention you were trans. One of the guys at the One-Twenty-Six is trans too,” Marian tells him as she approaches.

“It’s usually not relevant, so Eddie tries not to out me,” Buck explains. “And I know. About the trans crewmate? I was, uh, a-actually looking at him this morning. It-it’s really cool to actually meet a fellow trans firefighter on the job and not just see them on social media.”

“So I was like, fourteen maybe? My family went to Boston on a vacation one summer. Went to some of the museums, caught a Red Sox-Yankees game, the usual shit you do in Boston. We were at the aquarium and I saw a girl my age, wearing a hijab. I almost cried, I was so excited,” Marjan recounted.

“I was kinda in awe. I follow Paul on Instagram, but I never expected to run into him on the job.”

“Hopefully we get our guys back and you can talk to him before you leave. For now, there’s pizza, so come on,” Marjan ordered.

“Be there in a minute.” And Buck did make his way to the mess area. After a detour to grab the keys to the One-Twenty-Six’s engine. And he grabbed a slice on his way to find T.K. and tell him about Buck’s plan.

Buck had sworn to himself (and promised Eddie) that he would take less risks as soon as he knew he was pregnant. Buck included the weeks between IUI appointments and taking the home pregnancy tests in that promise. But between the negative tests and the next appointment? All bets were off and Buck was going to do whatever he could to save whoever he could. Especially if the person in need of saving was one of his loved ones. So Buck felt no guilt about the truck theft and the massive risk of going into an active burn zone. Especially when their gamble paid off.

It was after Hen and Captain Strand’s rescue that Buck finally managed to talk to Paul, the other man approaching Buck outside of the medical tent while the blond waited for Hen to wake up.

“Here,” Paul simply stated as he handed Buck a bottle of water and sat next to him.

“Thanks,” Buck didn’t notice how thirsty he was until the water touched his dry lips and then he suddenly had the bottle empty in just a few gulps.

“So,” Paul began after a short silence, “Marjan, T.K., and Mateo all said I should talk to you.”

“Yeah,” Buck nervously chuckled, rubbing his hand roughly over the back of his head. “I didn’t exactly hide how excited I was to even spend time in the same place as you, never mind get the chance to talk to you.”

“Gotta admit, that’s not a reaction I usually get,” Paul laughed.

“I’m trans,” Buck quietly admitted. “I follow you on Instagram because it’s really cool to see another trans firefighter on social media. But getting to meet you in person?”

“I think I get what you mean,” Paul softly states. “When did you become a firefighter?”

“I started my probie year summer 2017, so about three-and-a half years.”

“I’m guessing you transitioned before that?”

“I came out as a teen, but my parents weren’t the most supportive. My first therapist was one my parents made me see and she did her best to convince me I wasn’t trans. That I was just a confused lesbian who didn’t want to accept I was gay so I thought I was born in the wrong body,” Buck explained.

“Yeah, because your gender identity and your sexual orientation are totally the same thing,” Paul commiserated.

“I mean, they’re connected because some sexuality labels rely on your gender identity, but they definitely aren’t the same thing,” Buck agreed. “My older brother helped me transition after I turned eighteen, and my therapist then had some things to say about my sexuality too. Namely that I’m straight, and I only dated boys in high school to try and conform to societal expectations while forced to keep living as a girl.”

“You had some horrible therapists,” was the blunt reply. Paul’s tone was even and calm, but his eyes were wide and horrified. “Your therapists should never try to influence you like that.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s still something I struggle with because I do love women and having sex with them, so my therapists have to be right, y’know?”

“Did you not have sex with your high school boyfriends or did you not enjoy it?”

Buck took a minute to think about it. “I can’t say that I hated it,” Buck hedged. “I was more uncomfortable with the dirty talk in those instances than the physical sex itself. And I mean, sure, I looked at hot guys’ asses, but who doesn’t do that?”

“I don’t. Even before I transitioned, I knew men were not for me. Do you still see a therapist? Maybe talk to them about this? Because I’m not saying you aren’t straight and just open to recognizing when the other men look good, but at the same time, how much of your outlook was influenced by your previous therapists is also a valid question,” Paul points out.

“Huh. I guess my next session will be busy.”

Paul seemed to get that Buck needed to sit with what they talked about and changed the subject. “So, you already transitioned when you started as a firefighter? Were you always out or were you stealth?”

“I wasn’t out but I wasn’t stealth either. My boss and one of the paramedics knew because I felt they needed to know that I was on T. Other than that though, I didn’t feel my medical history was anyone’s business. If they asked or just found out then I didn’t care, but I’m not gonna offer it up unnecessarily.”

“I get it,” Paul told him, clapping a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I always say that for every person I tell, they’ll tell three other people, so I’ve really told four people. Makes me need to be careful of who I tell.”

Buck nodded along, having experienced that himself over the years. “Well, I’m sure people will have plenty to say about me soon, considering I’m currently trying to get pregnant.”

That definitely seemed to surprise Paul. “The very thought makes my skin crawl and be thankful I’m straight.” Paul’s words were punctuated by a full body shiver.

“It took me a long time and a lot of time with my therapist to decide to get pregnant. It came down to me wanting a baby, deciding I’d rather not pay someone to carry my baby when I can do it myself, and also not wanting to potentially wait years to be approved for adoption as a single queer man.”

“Yeah, but that’s months if not over a year not being on T or in control of your body. I think it would just make my dysphoria the highest it would ever be.”

“I mean, yeah, I’m going to be dysphoric. And I miss my T, the hormones from the fertility drugs I’m on are giving me mood swings already. But I’m still in control because it’s a choice I’m purposely making, y’know?”

Paul took a minute to think about it. “I can see how it would be different to actually try and not just have a birth control accident. Still a hard pass for me.”

“Valid,” Buck affirmed with a laugh.

They were joined by Marjan and Mateo at the point and the conversation changed to include the two of them. Mostly, it was Mateo recounting the stories that had flowed on the fireline. Marjan seemed especially impressed and even a little jealous of some of Buck’s exploits.

“And you’re ok taking a step back from that while you’re pregnant?” she asked Buck. Marjan seemed genuinely confused by it, which Buck understood on a bone deep level as a fellow adrenaline junky.

“You’re pregnant?!” Mateo gasped.

“No,” Buck hurried to deny. “I’m still trying to conceive. I wouldn’t have come out here if there was even a chance I was already pregnant.

“As for taking a step back from rescues,” Buck turned to Marjan, “that’s complicated. I have some issues I’m working through with my therapist. Mainly that I grew up with the belief my worth was tied to my body and what it could do to help others. Injuries take me out of the field and I’ll pout and fight my way back. But for my baby? No question, it’s what’s best for them. Plus, my mental health and keeping myself stable while dealing with my pregnancy symptoms will keep me plenty busy.”

Marjan, as the only other member of their group who might get pregnant one day, took a minute to digest that.

“I can get that,” she finally stated. “I’m not ready to get married or have kids. I’m not ready to take that step back, so I guess I’ll just have to enjoy the adrenaline junkie life until I am ready for that step.”

Eventually, Hen and Captain Strand woke up and the fire was controlled enough for the out of state crews to be dismissed. Buck hadn’t been expecting to make so many new friends while staging a rescue mission when he was notified about going on special deployment, but he was grateful for his new bonds with the One-Twenty-Six. The whole of the One-Eighteen group left, promising to keep in touch, Buck making an extra promise to Marjan when she demanded he let her help with any pregnancy announcements on social media.

Despite the chaos that had been their special deployment, Buck at least left base camp feeling fairly relaxed and content. He only wished that feeling had stuck around during the One-Eighteen’s pitstop in El Paso. Instead, Buck spent the entire meal on pins and needles, waiting to be cornered by Eddie’s family, unsure if the older man had even told his family about their attempts to have a baby.

By the time they left the Diaz family home, Buck still wasn’t sure who knew what. On one hand, they probably didn’t know or they would have approached Buck about it. On the other hand, maybe Eddie had told them and they just decided it wasn’t the time or place to talk about it. But that didn’t match with what Eddie had told Buck about his mother’s almost pathological need to make a scene. And just like that, Buck was back to square one, deciding Eddie still hadn’t talked to his family.

Buck resolved to add the topic to the list of things he wanted to talk to Dr. Snart about. They actually had an appointment scheduled for only a few hours after the One-Eighteen was due to be back at the station. Buck had originally tried to cancel the appointment, not sure how long he would be in Texas for. Dr. Snart had countered that because Buck didn’t know how long he would be gone, the younger man couldn’t say that he wouldn’t be back before the appointment. If Buck canceled the appointment and ended up back before they were supposed to meet, he would have lost his slot. Instead, Dr. Snart told Buck to just give him a text when he knew for sure he would be in Texas until after their appointment.

By the time the engine was parked in the One-Eighteen’s bay, Buck had just enough time to go home, take a shower, unpack, and then drive to Dr. Snart’s office. Most therapists were currently only doing appointments over video call, but not Dr. Snart. The good doctor was more than willing to, but despite Joe’s recommendation, the parole board thought it was too risky and would give Dr. Snart too many opportunities to plan with his formed cohorts. Instead, Dr. Snart met his patients in either his office or the building’s courtyard. Which is how, a little over three hours after officially getting home, Buck had a mask on, sitting across from his therapist.

Buck had a lot of things he wanted to talk to Dr. Snart about but he wasn’t sure where to start.

“Why don’t you start by telling me about your list,” Dr. Snart suggested when Buck voiced his dilemma.

“Ok,” Buck agreed. Simply listing the things he wanted to talk about was easy enough. “In the order I wrote them in, one, while we were in Texas, the first day Eddie left me alone and forgot about my fertility shot. I was upset, but since my mood swings tend towards anger, I’m not sure how much they influenced how upset I was at Eddie. Two, one of the firefighters I worked with is also trans, I follow him on Instagram. Paul, the other firefighter, and I talked about my previous therapists and how they may have negatively influenced my sexuality without me noticing. Three, we stopped to see Eddie’s parents and no one asked me about our little baby project at all, but I’m not sure if that’s because Eddie didn’t tell them or because they didn’t want to make a scene. I was surprised about how upset that made me,” Buck read off his phone.

“I think we can talk about one and three today,” Dr. Snart said a minute later after making a few notes. “Your second point is one we definitely need to talk about, but I have a feeling that’s one of those topics we’ll need multiple sessions to fully break it down and analyze. Are you comfortable with that?”

Buck took a moment to think about it. “The Eddie issues definitely take priority because I have another IUI appointment next week. I’m hoping the hormones help and this one takes, so I really need to be ok with Eddie. I’m not planning to date anytime soon, so my sexuality can wait.”

“So let’s talk about how you got upset with Eddie about him missing your shot.”

Buck took a deep breath and grabbed his favorite pillow. “It was Eddie’s idea to be there when I did my shots. In fact, he insisted on it. Told me he hated how impersonal the process had been. Eddie would do his thing, the clinic would put his sample on ice, then I would go in when I was ovulating for the procedure. I had to basically beg Eddie to let me go alone or stay in the waiting room.”

“Why don’t you want Eddie with you for the procedure?” Dr. Snart questioned, his pen scratching away.

“Eddie is my best friend, I trust him with my life. But seeing me naked at work would be one thing. While A doctor is sticking a giant syringe up my vagina? I’ll pass. Sure, he could distract me and I’ll be mostly covered up, but it’s still a position I don’t want to be in too often, and I promised Eddie that he could be at all of the prenatal appointments. I’ll be forced to be naked around him often enough at some of those,” Buck explains.

“What you do with your appointments and your body is your business. Do you think you may have been able to justify your comfort with Eddie being in those appointments because the attention is split? Yes, you are your OB’s number one priority, your safety and life are number one. But some of the attention is always on the baby and their development. At the insemination procedures you are the only focus.”

Buck sat with that for a few minutes, fidgeting with the pillow in his lap. “I’d absolutely never keep anything about our baby from Eddie. I know how much it hurts when his parents judge his parenting or tell him he’s failing or that he already failed by not being there when Chris was little. I couldn’t bear to add to it by keeping him from my prenatal appointments. But yeah, my OB’s attention will be focused on me first, then the baby. I think Eddie’s focus will be on the baby first, then me? At least, I hope it will be focused on the baby. I think having Eddie focus on my junk would trigger my dysphoria.”

“But you don’t think your doctor will?” Dr. Snart checked.

“No. Dr. Emerson is my OBGYN. She’s been treating me since I moved to LA, has multiple trans patients, and my pregnancy isn’t even the first trans pregnancy she’s overseen. We’ve built a relationship and trust that took years.”

“Your boundaries when it comes to your medical treatment are valid,” Dr. Snart firmly reminded him. It was a topic they had talked about before when Maddie had tried to take over Buck’s recovery after the ladder truck bombing. She hadn’t approved of Buck’s choices and wanted to make them for him instead. It had taken Daniel, Buck’s surgeon, and an orthopedic nurse lecturing her before he finally backed off.

“Just, I know how to give myself a shot, I’ve done it for years with my T. Eddie insisting on helping me with my fertility shots felt like he didn’t trust me to do it right.”

“But you said yourself that Eddie asked to be part of your fertility shot routine because he felt the conception process, especially his part, was too impersonal.”

Buck deflated. “Yeah. And I did feel bad about that, which is why I eventually agreed. And I can even understand why Eddie forgot about my shot. Our first day in Texas, Hen and a local captain were in a helicopter crash and the incident commander wouldn’t let us stage a rescue. But it was something that took less than five minutes and everyone was decompressing until we knew more about the situation.”

“Did you and Eddie talk about the possibility that you would be separated and Eddie wouldn’t be with you for your scheduled shot?” Dr. Snart queried.

“I tried,” Buck groaned. “But Eddie kinda dismissed me? Said he’d made a promise he wouldn’t miss a dose so we wouldn’t need to worry about it? Then we weren’t alone and I don’t want to tell our coworkers until I’m actually pregnant.”

“It sounds like you were rightfully upset that Eddie insisted on helping you, promised to never miss a dose as a compromise? He was saying he was all in, not going to half-ass it as you’ve said before.”

“Yeah. I told Eddie that unless Chris had an emergency, then Eddie had to be there for every shot. I didn’t want Eddie to miss a bunch of dose and complain about feeling uninvolved, so Eddie promised to be there.”

“You had valid reasons for your feelings. Yes, you were probably also influenced by the hormones from your treatments and Hen being in danger. But let me ask you something. Did you yell at Eddie, either in public or private? Did you take your feelings out on Eddie in another way?”

“No,” Buck swore. “I did a couple of those breathing exercises we talked about until I calmed down.”

“Your feelings are valid, Buck. Having them isn’t the issue, what you do with those emotions is. And you handled them just fine. I would suggest trying to talk about it with Eddie at some point, though. Just so it can’t come up later during a fight.

“Ready to move on?” Dr. Snart checked.

“Yeah.”

“You said you were upset about Eddie’s parents apparently not knowing about your attempt to get pregnant, but you also don’t want your coworker to know,” the therapist recounted.

“Hearing you say it that way, I think my issue isn’t that they don’t know, but that I don’t know for sure. Other than me telling Eddie what and when he tells his parents was up to him, we never talked about it again.”

“Our session is almost over. I just have one homework assignment for you. Talk to Eddie. Communicate with him that you need more communication. Ask him to start more conversations and let him know how you’re feeling.”

“I can do that,” Buck promised.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

Work and Christopher kept the men busy until Buck’s appointment. One pro of getting to the point where Buck was ready to try hormone treatments meant his cycle had plenty of time to settle. It was easy enough to track and estimate when he would be ovulating. Several days of at home tests and quick blood tests at the fertility clinic showed Buck’s estimate was on point. Now Eddie was driving them to Buck’s appointment.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you? Your doctor said it’s fine since we’re all wearing masks and there are only a couple of people in the room,” Eddie reminded Buck of what Dr. Gates had told them before the first insemination attempt.

Buck sighed. He wasn’t a fan of how Eddie kept questioning his boundaries. But there was a silver lining. It was an opportunity to have at least part of that conversation Dr. Snart had suggested.

“No, Eddie. Look, I get that you’ve been feeling like you aren’t really involved in this process. And I can understand if part of this is about how much you missed in Shannon’s pregnancy. But I’m not comfortable being exposed like that with you. It’ll be different when I’m pregnant, and even when I’m giving birth because then the attention will be split between me and the baby. But right now I’m the focus, and I’m really vulnerable and want to limit how many people are there.”

“I just want to be involved. I knew this process was going to be clinical, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this clinical,” Eddie softly explained.

“Which is why I agreed to let you administer my fertility shots even though I’ve been giving myself T for years and it felt like you didn’t trust me to do it correctly. It also would have been more convenient to do it on my schedule alone. But just like I drew a line at you paying for my medical bills, I’m drawing a line here. Once I’m pregnant, you can be at any of my prenatal appointments. And I wouldn’t even dream of keeping you from the birth.

“But right now, my medical appointments are about me and me alone. I can’t handle anyone except the medical staff in the room while I’m so exposed. I’m asking you to respect my boundary on this,” Buck all but begged.

“I thought having a baby was about the both of us?” Eddie countered.

“It is, but until there is actually a baby in me, it is still my body and my decisions. Even when I’m pregnant, it will be my body first and foremost, not a walking, talking incubator.

“Can we make some kind of compromise? I won’t take any pregnancy tests without you from now on. You can hang nearby and you can come to my blood test if the home test is positive,” Buck offered up. “But for today, can you just wait in the waiting room, please?”

Eddie took a minute to consider everything Buck had said. “I think I can accept that.”

It was a more reluctant agreement than Buck would have preferred, but it was an agreement nonetheless.

“I also want to talk about Texas. I wasn’t happy that you missed my shot after insisting on doing them with me. I get it was an extreme situation, but it still upset me. I think mostly because I tried to bring up that we might be separated during my shot time, and you dismissed me.”

Eddie huffed and tightened his hands on the steering wheel as they stopped at a red light. “Hen was missing after a helicopter crash in a wildfire,” he reminded Buck.

“Which is why I didn’t make a big deal about it then. I’m only bringing it up now because I view it as us not communicating and we need to be better at it. You should’ve listened to my concerns, and I shouldn’t have let it go so quickly.

“We also need to communicate about our families, mainly when we tell them. You can tell your family whenever you want, but please let me know when you do. I spent our entire stop in El Paso waiting for someone to approach me about having a baby because I didn’t know who knew what. I’ll let you know when and what I tell my family, too.”

Eddie sighed as his entire body deflated. “I’m not very good at communication,” he acknowledged. “And you’re right, you tried to come up with a plan for if we got separated and it wasn’t even the fire that separated us. I was just talking to Judd. I promise to do better about listening to your concerns and I’m sorry I told you I would be there and then forgot.”

“Thank you for the apology. And I promise I won’t back off when you don’t communicate and if I do, I won’t hold it against you later,” Buck promised in return.

“And I agree on the family thing. It wasn’t cool of me to leave you hanging like that about what my family knew.”

They pulled into the parking lot connected to the nondescript building that housed the clinic Buck had chosen. There was about fifteen minutes before Buck’s appointment, so they waited in the car, trying to limit the people in the building for Covid. While they waited, they talked some more about telling their families and why they were both hesitant. Finally it was time to go inside.

Buck was taken back to the procedure room almost as soon as he finally checked in, leaving them no more time to talk. Having been through the IUI process three times already, Buck was an old pro at it. He was in the procedure room and then back in the car in what felt like no time.

Normally following Buck’s appointments, he and Eddie would either go for lunch or pick up takeout. This time, Eddie drove Buck right back to the loft because he had a meeting with Maddie. A meeting that Buck sorely regretted agreeing to.

“What do you mean you invited Mom and Dad?!” he exclaimed, doing his best to stay calm.

“And Daniel!” Maddie sweetly stated. “I just want my little girl to have a normal family.”

“Well then maybe you shoulda got knocked up by someone who has one of those.”

“That is not funny,” Maddie reprimanded.

“Maddie, our family stopped being ‘normal,’” Buck actually used finger quotes around the word to emphasize his sarcasm, “when Daniel got sick. Not to mention how Mom and Dad freaked when I came out and put me in conversation therapy.”

“Ok, it wasn’t conversion therapy. They just didn’t understand what you were telling them. And they’re good people, just not good parents. Can you please just give them a chance?” she begged.

“I just can’t believe you waited until they were in California to tell me they were coming,” Buck groaned.

“Well, you know, you were in Texas and then there’s whatever’s going on with you and Eddie. And hey, maybe seeing Mom and Dad will help with your therapy!”

“Or make me need more, since they aren’t even the main reason I’m in therapy,” Buck countered.

“Look, Daniel will be there, and so will Howie and Albert.”

“Albert knew our parents were coming before me?!”

“No, Howie is telling him now.”

Before the two of them could keep arguing, there was a knock on the front door of the loft. Buck was relieved to answer the door and find his big brother on the other side.

“Daniel!” Buck nearly screamed in his excitement, throwing his arms around the man.

“Hey, baby brother!” Daniel chuckled. “Good to see you too! I was hoping to surprise you.”

“You did! Maddie told me you were coming to soften me up to Mom and Dad coming. But I wasn’t expecting you to show up here first.”

“Well,”Daniel drawled, “I was hoping my favorite little brother would let me crash on his couch.”

“I’m your only little brother,” Buck deadpanned. “But you are always welcome to stay with me.”

“Thanks, Buck!” Daniel wasted no time grabbing his duffle bag and suitcase from around the corner.

“Hey, Daniel,” Maddie greeted once the men came fully into the apartment.

“Hey, Maddie,” Daniel returned with a hug.

“You know, you’re always welcome to stay with me and Chimney,” Maddie offered as they all took seats in the living room.

“Thanks, Maddie,” Daniel said. “But I know you and Chimney just got your place back after Albert moved out and I want to make sure you have your space. Especially with Mom and Dad visiting.”

“Speaking of Mom and Dad,” Buck piped up, trying to cut the tension between his older siblings. “You guys have to promise me that you won’t leave me alone with them.”

“Of course not,” Daniel swore.

Maddie held up both of her hands, pinkies out to her little brothers. “Buckley siblings against the world.”

“Buckley siblings against the world,” the men echoed, hooking their pinkies with hers.

Buck spent the days leading up to the dreaded dinner working with Dr. Snart on de-escalation techniques and doing his best to keep his stress levels down to encourage conception.

Finally, the dinner came and Buck and Daniel drove to the Buckley-Han apartment together.

“I was told we were not allowed to wear jeans,” Albert pouted as they all moved in and out of the kitchen, preparing the appetizers and dinner itself.

“You still have a chance to make a good impression on our parents. It’s too late for us,” Daniel tried to explain, pulling the baked brie and fig jam that Buck had decided to make (not that he would be eating it) out of the oven.

Before Albert could complain some more, there was a knock at the door. The three Buckley siblings huddled together for a second, hooking their pinkies to remind each other of their vow to stick together before Maddie went to open the front door with Chimney.

The brothers looked at each other as their parents came in, burdened down with gifts for Maddie and her baby. The two of them were very familiar with their parents’ habit of love bombing through gifts to make up for their neglectful parenting.

The first hurdle came when Buck insisted on being called Buck instead of Evan.

“Honestly, Evan,” his mother bemoaned. “First you change your name from the perfectly good name we gave you. Then when we kept accidentally calling you Jessie instead of James, you decided you wanted to be called Evan. Now you want to be called Buck?”

“It’s a nickname, Mom,” Daniel defended him. “One Buck earned at work, where he spends most of his time these days. It’s what he’s used to being called now, that’s all.”

Then the topic moved on to Buck’s therapy, his parents assuming that Buck was in therapy because of his job.

“I’m not saying that therapy doesn’t help with some of the things I’ve experienced on the job,” Buck began. “But I’ve been in therapy my entire adult life. First because it was a requirement to medically and legally transition, then I kept going because I realized it helped.”

Then his parents turned the conversation onto themselves, mentioning that they went to see a therapist after they heard about Doug dying by Maddie’s hand. All of this before they even sat down for the meal.

The last straw for Buck came during dinner itself.

“Are you sure you’re good with just water, Buck?” Chimney checked as he topped off everyone’s wine and other drinks.

“Yeah, just water is fine.”

“If you weren’t so insistent on living as a man, I would assume you were pregnant too,” Margaret nearly giggled, several glasses of wine deep.

Everyone was silent at Margaret’s blatantly transphobic statement.

“I might be,” Buck muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Maddie asked from across the table.

“I said, I might be pregnant. I don’t know yet, so I’m steering clear of alcohol just in case,” Buck explained.

“Did you not take a test?” his sister questioned.

“No, because it’s too soon. It’s only been about three days, so I’ll take a test in about a week and a half.”

“So you claim to be a man, but you’re sleeping with men and being irresponsible enough that you might be pregnant?” His mother was apparently in a very judgemental mood.

“Mom, stop. You’re being incredibly homophobic and transphobic.” Buck could always count on Daniel to be on his side when Maddie would insist that Buck just go along to keep the peace.

“I’ve been trying to get pregnant for months,” Buck revealed. “I stopped taking my T six months ago and this was my fourth attempt at artificial insemination. If I’m pregnant, then you can be assured this baby is deeply wanted and loved.”

Daniel leaned over in his chair and gave Buck a tight hug. “Congrats, Evan. I’m so proud of you and happy for you.”

Dinner came to an awkward end after that, everyone mutually agreeing to skip dessert and go their separate ways goes the night. On the way back to the loft, Buck pulled his Jeep over into a grocery store parking lot and Daniel threw on a mask, barely making it in and out before the store closed. There were two pints of Ben and Jerry’s in his hands when he slid back into the car.

Having his beloved older brother staying with Buck was amazing. Buck hadn’t realized just how much he missed Daniel until he got to see him everyday again. Buck was especially grateful for his brother after that terrible dinner. They spent hours enjoying their ice cream, watching a couple episodes of Daniel’s favorite Covid binge show, Call the Midwife, talking about anything but their family.

Buck wished that his good mood had lasted. But instead he was confronted by Hen as soon as he walked through the bay doors.

“You’re pregnant?!” she hissed as she pulled him over into a quieter part of the station before he could even make it into the locker room.

“Damnit, Chimney!” Buck groaned. “Honestly, Hen, I don’t know! Yes, I’m actively trying to get pregnant, but it’s too soon to know if this attempt worked. I’m trying to act like I am, in most aspects, just in case.”

“In what ways?”

“No alcohol, soft cheeses, deli meat, or high mercury fish. At least until I get a negative test result. I’m taking prenatal vitamins and trying to take less risks at work. I looked up the typical department regulations for working while pregnant and I’m prepared to follow them to the letter once I actually am pregnant.”

“Ok, that is not what Chimney said. He made it seem like you’re relatively far into your first trimester.”

“I was inseminated four days ago.”

Hen winced at that. “Ok, yeah. A little bit of an over share, but a necessary one. I’m going to make sure he doesn’t tell anyone else. Do you have a plan for telling people when you are pregnant?”

“You and Bobby first, in case something happens at work. But everyone else will find out after I’m out of the first trimester. I might tell my brother. I’m really close with Daniel and he’s a doctor, so I usually turn to him with medical questions.”

“Understandable. I’m happy for you, Buck,” Hen whispered as she gave him a hug.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this. I just didn’t want to bring up bad memories for you and Karen.”

“You don’t need to apologize or protect us. It was really hard when we lost our embryos and we thought we wouldn’t be able to have another child. But it helped lead us to fostering and Nia. This is the way we were meant to grow our family. If this is the way you’re meant to start your family, then I fully believe it’ll happen and I’ll be so happy for you when it does.”

“Thank you, Hen,” Buck choked out before he let go, watching the woman go off to find her partner and lecture him on how he shouldn’t be spreading Buck’s personal business around the firehouse.

Buck had barely made it into the locker room before he was accosted again, this time by Eddie.

“You told them we’re trying to have a baby?” he demanded. “I thought you didn’t want anyone to know until we knew for sure.”

“I didn’t! But my mother made a transphobic comment after Chimney pointed out I wasn’t drinking and it slipped out. But I didn’t mention you at all and Hen is going to keep Chimney reined in and handle anyone else he told.”

“Look, I’m sorry I got upset, but we literally just agreed to keep each other appraised when it comes to telling our families.”

“I was going to tell you about it after I changed for our shift. I spent last night decompressing with Daniel.”

“I just wish I had found out from you and not Chimney.”

Buck sighed, feeling frustrated at the situation Chimney had put him in. “I wish you had found out from me, too. But I can’t control Chimney or force him to mind his own business.”

“You’re right,” Eddie agreed, his shoulders coming down from their spot by his ear. “Do you think we can meet up after shift and talk about where we go from here?”

“Sure. We have another family dinner tomorrow night. You’re welcome to come since you’re going to be a member of that family when we have a baby,” Buck offered up.

“I think I’ll let the Buckley family drama die down before I dive in.”

“Ugh. That’s totally fair since I’m avoiding your family for the same reason. Except Abuela and Chris, they’re awesome.”

“That they are.”

They managed to make it through the shift without anyone else harassing Buck about his potential pregnancy, but that might have been because of the call they ended up on at a building with a bomb in it.

Buck was already frustrated because, pregnant or not, if he had stayed behind to try and talk down a bomber, he would have been lectured about taking unnecessary risks. But Chimney did it and he was a hero. Well, maybe not, considering what the would-be-bomber said when he came out.

“Buckley? Congrats on the baby, dude. But should you really be working while pregnant?” he questioned as he was loaded into the ambulance.

Buck was stunned, frozen where he stood until Bobby tapped him on the shoulder. Then, Buck was angry.

“Cap, I want to make an official complaint against Chimney,” Buck ground out, his jaw clenched so tight that he was slurring his words.

“Buck,” Bobby sighed, his tone one he used when he felt Buck was being unreasonable.

“No, Bobby! First, Chimney told people on shift I’m pregnant, taking information he found out at a personal family dinner, then twisted it and spread it around at work like it was any of his business. Now, he’s telling a guy trying to blow up a building?! I don’t even know if I’m pregnant yet, by the way. It’s too soon to know. But Chimney is telling everyone I am and making it seem like I’ve known for weeks,” Buck ranted. “How the hell am I supposed to trust him now? And if he can’t keep our personal business outside of the station, then he needs to be the one punished, not me.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Bobby promised.

“As his captain, or as his friend?” Buck hissed before stalking away.

The first thing Buck did when he got back to the station was fill out his official complaint about Chimney and put it on Bobby’s desk, making a copy for himself. Then, Buck took a shower, filled out his after action report on the call, and went back to work, ignoring Bobby’s looks and Chimney’s glare when Bobby told him to stay behind at the end of shift.

After shift, Buck followed Eddie to his place and watched him get Chris settled in his room for Zoom school before grabbing them both a drink.

They talked about where their path was heading after Chimney opened his big mouth. Buck wanted to keep any pregnancy to himself after the way everyone side eyed him following the bombing call. Eddie thought they still needed to tell Hen and Bobby, just in case the worst happened on shift. They finally came to an agreement that they would tell only Hen and Bobby as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed, including the fact that Eddie is the father. They would tell Chris after Buck entered the second trimester, then tell everyone else, Maddie included in the everyone else, when it was no longer avoidable. Buck was still torn on telling Daniel, but Eddie said he would support him no matter his decision.

Buck’s decision was made for him later that night. It started somewhat subdued, then picked up when his parents gave Maddie her baby box. Chimney sniped about Buck still being a child and told everyone about the bombing call. Which led to the Buckley parents bemoaning how often Buck got hurt.

“Why do you care? It’s not like you ever came out anytime I was in the hospital, or when I called you about Maddie and Doug.”

“You called them?” Maddie gasped.

“Well, I didn’t want them to find out on Dateline.”

“You know we don’t do well in hospitals,” Margaret cried. “Especially when our children are in them.”

“God, Mom,” Daniel growled. “Part of being a parent is putting aside your own wants and comforts to be there for your kids. Hell, Buck doesn’t even know if he is having a baby yet, but he’s still putting his wants aside for his child.”

“You guys want to know why I’m able to do such a dangerous job? Why I’m in therapy beyond being trans? It’s because of you! It’s because I walked through fire every day when I was growing up!” Buck finally burst. “If Daniel got a bruise in gym class, you thought he had cancer and I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything because Daniel might need me. When Daniel had his car accident when I was fourteen and he needed a liver transplant, you never asked me to give him part of mine, just told the doctors I would. And I was happy to help my brother! But then I had a brutal recovery and you two would forget to give me my pain meds, would forget to bring me water, barely remembered to feed me! All because you only cared about Daniel’s recovery! Then, when I transitioned after I turned eighteen, you cut me off!”

“That was your job, Jessie!” Margaret screamed back, using Buck’s deadname. “You were only born because Daniel needed your bone marrow! What if Daniel gets sick again? Or hurt? And he needs blood, or bone marrow, or another organ? The doctors might not let you be a donor because of your lifestyle!”

“What does she, Evan was only born to be a donor for me?” Daniel whispered into the silence that followed their mother’s revelation, addressing their father and sister.

“Mom and Dad weren’t a match, and I wasn’t either. The doctors thought you would need a bone marrow transplant for sure, so Mom and Dad decided to make one. They sat me down and told me because they needed my help and I needed to know how important it was. But they decided not to tell you so you wouldn’t get scared. They didn’t want you to know just how sick you really were. And Evan, we didn’t want you to think you weren’t loved, because you were,” Maddie tried to defend their parent’s choices.

“Not that you made it easy on us. Always taking risks, putting yourself in danger,” Margaret cried.

“I was a child! It wasn’t my job to make it easy for you to love me! It was your job to love me anyway!” With that parting shot, Buck shoved his chair back and fled Maddie and Chimney’s apartment. He slid into the driver’s seat of his Jeep, taking a few minutes to calm down, remembering Chimney’s accident in his probie year when the older man drove while angry. By the time he was calm enough to drive, Daniel was sliding into the passenger seat.

“So, Howard admitted that he got suspended because he told that bomber your health information. And he apparently told the guy about why you were born. Maddie told Howard instead of either of us and then asked him to keep it a secret and he just had to tell someone,” Daniel growled as Buck pulled away from the building. “I told all of them to leave us alone, especially you, and that we would decide when we were ready to talk to them.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna need at least two sessions with Dr. Snart before I’m ready to talk to them.”

“Think Dr. Snart will care if I tag along?”

“I think he’ll insist on it.”

 

CHAPTER FIVE

The first day of Chimney’s suspension opened with Bobby announcing said suspension. Publicly, Bobby announced that multiple complaints had been submitted about Chimney sharing a colleagues private medical history with a suspect, earning himself a seventy-two-hour suspension. In private, Bobby told Buck that Hen and the police officer who rode with them to the hospital had also filed complaints against Chimney. In the end, the paramedic received what amounted to a three day suspension, one day without pay and two with pay. Buck understood that the suspension would be in his file, but it still didn’t seem fair that Chimney basically got two days PTO for what he did.

The end of Chimney’s suspension happened to coincide with the Buckley parents’ return to Pennsylvania. On Dr. Snart’s suggestion, Buck and Daniel had met with their parents and Maddie separately. Their parents were essentially put in timeout. They told Margaret and Phillip that they needed time to process their childhood through the lens of Buck’s birth being less a miracle, more a Hail Mary. The brothers were going no contact with their parents for six months outside of emergencies and suggested that their parents get some. therapy during that time. They were meeting with Maddie later in the week, with Dr. Snart present. Depending on how that meeting went, Buck and Daniel might put her in timeout too.

Buck and Eddie were alone for the beginning of Chimney’s first shift back. They were supposed to be going over the engine’s inventory checklist, but Buck took the time alone to bring up a very different topic.

“So tomorrow is the two week mark since my last procedure. I, uh, have some tests in my locker,” Buck began.

“Wait, you brought your pregnancy tests to work?” Eddie interrupted, turning to look fully at Buck after putting some tools meant to break a door open away.

“I have a good feeling about this attempt, so I don’t want to wait. I can start testing tomorrow so I’m going to start testing tomorrow. And they say the first pee of the day is the best for home tests,” Buck argued, firm in his position and his decisions.

“And how do you plan to keep it from everyone else?”

“I’ll keep the boxes in my bag and I have a ziploc for the tests. Just cap them and put them in that to bring home for my memory box.”

Eddie sighed. “At least you aren’t planning to take it at the beginning of a shift. If it comes back negative again, you’ll spend the whole shift depressed. If it’s actually positive, you’ll be bouncing off the walls.”

“Gee, thanks Eddie. I also have a blood test tomorrow at two p.m. Are you still good to go with me?”

Eddie softened at that. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Eddie promised, his voice free of sarcasm.

They planned for Eddie to pick Buck up an hour before his appointment and went back to their inventory, eventually being interrupted by Hen and Chimney teasing Buck about his clipboard. While Buck was by no means angry with Chimney, at least, not after some time with Dr. Snart, Buck wasn’t happy with the older man either. But Buck could remain professional and give Chimney another chance. It helped that Chimney seemed to be in the same boat, willing to behave professionally and leave their personal issues at home.

They didn’t get very far into their conversation about what Chimney missed on his suspension when B-shift’s new probie walked by. Buck called out to the probie, apparently named Ravi, and startled him so badly that he dropped the manuals he was holding. Ravi didn’t know it, but he got his payback by cursing Buck and all of A-shift.

The ride to the first call was spent with Buck, Hen, and Chimney trying to convince Eddie of the validity of the Q-word curse. He refused to believe them, despite the proof in the numerous insane calls the One-Eighteen responded to for their whole shift. It was going to fall to Buck to teach their child to not anger the gods, apparently.

There was something else from that morning that was bothering Buck, other than Eddie’s ability to ignore the way the universe was screaming at him. A call to a clown supply store of all things finally gave Buck a chance to bring it up.

“While we’re alone, can I ask why you were so sarcastic earlier when I was talking about taking a test tomorrow?” Buck quietly asked as he grabbed the equipment Hen and Bobby needed to move some helium tanks that were trapping a clown in the party supply store.

Buck couldn’t see most of Eddie’s face thanks to his mask, but he could still tell that his best friend was wincing.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that,” Eddie muttered. “I guess I just don’t want to get my hopes up again and it made me defensive. Sarcasm is one of my defense mechanisms.”

“Do you want to stop if it didn’t take this time? Or take a break?” Buck really hoped the answer was no. Buck would understand if this was too much for Eddie, but Buck was unwilling to stop. He would take a break if Eddie really needed one, but he was willing to use an anonymous donor before Eddie’s offer and he would still use one if Eddie was done.

“No, I don’t want to stop. I think I just need to temper my expectations. We talked about how long this could take, but I think I was still expecting it to happen quicker than this because of how Shannon got pregnant with Chris from a single broken condom.”

“I can understand that.”

“I actually need to tell you something myself,” Eddie said right before they went back into the store.

“Hmm?” Buck hummed as he shouldered open the door.

“I ran into Ana Flores today, Chris’ old teacher.”

Before they could get any farther on the topic, they got distracted by what was honestly a truly hilarious call. Then they were immediately sent on another call to people trapped in an elevator. And finally they were the call, trapped in their engine by downed power lines.

While they were stuck and looking up how to break a curse, Buck ended up getting a call from Daniel.

“Is this a good time?” his older brother asked after they greeted each other.

“Um, yeah. About that. The probie said the Q-word this morning,” Buck mumbled.

“No!” Daniel gasped, his laughter audible over the phone. “How did you escape the curse long enough to answer my call?”

One of the things Buck loved about Daniel was that he got it. Daniel might be a plastic surgeon, but he had seen the effects of similar curses in his residency. “Last time someone did that at my hospital, the ER got absolutely flooded by burn patients. Burn patients from an electrical fire at a beauty pageant.”

“I didn’t escape the curse. Some power lines fell on the engine when we were leaving a call. Now we’re all trapped,” Buck groaned. “The only way we’ve found to break the curse is animal or human sacrifice and I’m just not comfortable with that. Oh, and Eddie is refusing to admit we’re cursed. Says curses and jinxes aren’t real.”

“Well, if it makes him feel better or gives him comfort, let him keep thinking that. I have good news if you’re up for it.”

“I could use the distraction.”

“When you told us at dinner that you’re trying to have a baby, I decided that I wanted to be here for that. I don’t want to miss seeing your baby or Maddie’s little girl growing up.”

“What are you saying?” Buck really hoped Daniel was implying that he was moving to LA.

“I’ve been considering moving to LA since you settled there, but I had just finished my fellowship and I wanted to build up my reputation a little first. But after that dinner, I made a few calls, got a few interviews, and now I have a position at UCLA Med Center. I start in two weeks.”

“You’re moving here?! YES!” Buck loudly exclaimed.

“You’re good with me crashing on your couch until I find a place?” Daniel chuckled.

“Always! I’m so excited that you’re going to be here!”

“Me too, little brother. I need to make a few calls and write my resignation letter, but I’ll see you after your shift tomorrow. We can talk more about it then. Love you, Buck.”

“Love you too, Daniel,” Buck said before hanging up the phone.

When he looked around the cab of the engine, everyone was looking at him.

“So,” Hen drawled with a raised eyebrow. “Daniel is moving to LA?”

“Yes!” Buck didn’t even try to hide his excitement. His big brother was one of his favorite people and Buck had missed him. “When he found out I wanted a baby, he realized he didn’t want to miss seeing his niblings grow up. He ended up calling around to see if any hospitals had an opening in their plastic surgery departments.”

“He found one, I take it?” Bobby piped up from the front.

“Yep! At UCLA!”

“Maddie didn’t say that Daniel was thinking about moving out here,” Chimney mumbled.

“I don’t think Maddie and Daniel are as close as he and I are,” Buck shyly admitted. “He probably hasn’t told her yet.”

“I’m happy for you, Buck,” Hen stated, trying to break the awkwardness that followed his admission.

“I’m really excited to have Daniel around from now on. I missed him and he’s been my greatest champion since I came out.”

“Oh?” Eddie finally joined the conversation. “How so?”

“My parents didn’t take me coming out very well, but Daniel always supported me. When I turned eighteen, he helped me find a proper therapist and a doctor so I could transition. He even changed his specialty for me. He was in med school and he was going to go into pediatric oncology, try to make sure future kids didn’t have to go through what we both experienced. But when I came out, he switched to plastic surgery. Daniel specializes in gender confirmation surgeries and does general plastic surgery and elective cosmetic procedures to build his reputation. He also tries to do any kind of gender surgery pro-bono for young adults and the cosmetic stuff makes enough money for him to do that and hospitals to back him up.”

“That’s really sweet, Buck,” Hen told him, patting his knee.

“I mean, Daniel loves what he does. But he wanted to help other people feel comfortable in their bodies because he knew I wasn’t for a long time. He also made connections and it was his mentor who did my top surgery.”

Conversation took a sharp turn when another station finally showed up to get the power lines off their engine. But not before stopping to take pictures of them.

“Please don’t be Tommy. Please don’t be Tommy. Please don’t be Tommy,” Chimney chanted under his breath.

“What about Tommy?” Hen asked, not facing forward and able to see what Chimney saw.

“It’s the Two-Seventeen. If Tommy is working on the ground today, then he’ll never let us live this down,” Chimney whined. Almost immediately after that, his phone buzzed. Chimney groaned when he saw the notification on his phone. He unlocked the screen, cleared his throat, and began to read aloud. “From Tommy. K. ‘My crew sent me this pic of you.’ Insert picture of our engine covered in live power lines. Then, like, twenty laughing emojis.”

“At least it wasn’t him in person?” Buck hedged, having heard of the man he replaced on the crew, but never met him. But now they could at least head back to the station and maybe get something to eat.

Later that night, Eddie found Buck reading with the others.

“Am I interrupting book club?” he teased.

“Medical, babies, women,” pointing to each book.

“Love languages are important in platonic and familial love too, not just romantic love,” Buck argued. “For instance, Bobby shows his love for us by cooking for us.”

“He has a good point,” Bobby called from the kitchen where he was cleaning up.

“Hey, Eddie, what do you think Ana’s love languages are?”

“Who’s Ana?” Hen teased.

“Baby’s not here yet,” Chimney quipped.

“Ana Flores. She was Christopher’s teacher last year. She got a new job at a different school and… I don’t know. I ran into her at the pileup this morning. She had a coffee burn that I treated, but otherwise she looked good.”

“Wait, is this the same teacher you yelled at last year?” Eddie stared at Buck after Hen’s question. The younger man simply shrugged. Eddie had ranted about the situation for days and Buck needed advice on how to help Eddie, and to unload his own concerns about his interactions with Chris.

“Yes, and I apologized for that.”

The group broke up after that for another call and Buck didn’t have another chance to talk privately with Eddie. Between the guy storing a truly idiotic number of fireworks in his garage (illegally of course), to their wannabe firefighter calling in a false gas leak. And then taking their engine for a joyride, followed by a five-alarm fire. Now, all Buck wanted to do was sleep.

Unfortunately for Buck, by the time they pulled back into the bay, there was only a little over an hour left on shift, which meant he wouldn’t be getting any sleep. He did have to pee though, so while everyone shuffled around the locker room and onto the showers, Buck grabbed the tests he’d brought, reread the instructions, then dragged Eddie over to the toilets.

“Buck! What the hell man! I need to shower!” Eddie yelped as Buck shouldered his way into the bathroom, his hands occupied with the tests and Eddie’s arm.

“And I need to pee,” Buck retorted, stressing the last word. He finally let Eddie go so he could enter one of the stalls and lock the door behind him.

“This is not what I thought you meant when you said I could be there when you took the test.”

“You’re the one who wanted to be more involved!”

“Yeah, but I figured I would hang out in your kitchen or my living room. Not close enough I can hear you pissing.”

“Well, I had to go and I wasn’t waiting. Plus, since everyone is in the showers, no one can interrupt us.” Buck was a near pro at taking pregnancy tests now that he had been doing it for the fourth time. He did what he needed to, then capped the tests, calling for Eddie to grab them from under the door so he could finish up.

“So, how long do we need to wait?” Eddie asked as Buck washed his hands, carefully holding the tests so he wasn’t touching the cap ends and they were laying flat in his palm.

“Three to five minutes. I have three different brands, so hopefully we won’t have any false results. But it might take a few days for my hormone levels to be high enough for detection, so they still might be negative.”

“And then we have the blood test at two today, right?” Eddie asked as he quickly gave the tests back.

“Correct.” Buck debated if should take the tests back to the locker room or lay them out now. A quick peek at his watch showed two of the tests should be ready, so he decided to wait, laying them out on the sink. “If that’s negative and the tests are negative, I’ll keep testing at home and then have another blood test done in a couple of days.”

With that final statement, they were quiet as they waited for the final test, no speech needed. After five minutes passed from when Buck took the tests, all three of the early response tests were ready.

“Ok, moment of truth,” Buck breathed, reaching for the first test.

“Wait,” Eddie said, wrapping his hand around Buck’s wrist. “You really have a good feeling about this time?”

“I do.”

“Ok, let’s see what they say.”

Buck quickly flipped all of the test over. “Positive,” he gasped. “They’re all positive! I’m pregnant!”

“You are! We’re having a baby!” Eddie cheered, pulling Buck into a tight hug.

“I still need to get a blood test, but they all say I’m pregnant!”

“They do! Now you just need to try to hide your excitement for the next ten weeks,” Eddie teased.

“Eh. More like eight. The way they measure pregnancy is weird and I’m basically already four weeks pregnant. But you really think I won’t be able to keep it to our list until the second trimester?”

“I’m just saying, I’m a better actor. You’re an open book, everyone is going to know something’s up. And they know you’re trying to get pregnant. Not a big jump to connect the two.”

“Yeah, but if anyone questions it, I can just say I’m excited about Daniel moving to LA.”

“Good luck with that, buddy,” Eddie solemnly stated, hands on Buck’s shoulders. “Now can we shower?”

Buck almost rolled his eyes, but he felt gross from their last call and agreed with Eddie that it was time to shower. “Yeah, there should be a few free stalls by now.”

Buck gathered the tests, putting them in his pocket and looking around one more time to make sure he didn’t leave anything behind.

“You want to tell Hen and Bobby before we leave today?” Eddie asked as Buck shoved the tests in the ziploc he had in his work bag and grabbed his shower kit.

“Not yet. I want to wait for my blood test. Then I can also get a note from my doctor.”

“Sounds like a solid plan,” Eddie agreed before they dropped the topic and went to take their showers. It took everything in Buck to keep his hands away from his bare stomach in the open showers, still amazed that he was now supporting a new life there. It felt like magic.

The end of shift an hour later was greeted with subdued cheer, everyone simply too tired for anything else. Buck’s main team managed to muster up a little more energy when Bobby offered to treat them all to breakfast, proving Buck’s point from the night before that he shows his love through food. Eddie ended up bowing out of the outing though, citing other plans, and Buck almost followed suit. He was absolutely exhausted, but even though he was only in the early days of his pregnancy, he wasn’t just eating for himself, so he joined Bobby, Hen, and Chimney for breakfast.

After what Buck could only call a working breakfast, considering they needed to provide first aid to a woman having a possible heart attack on the other end of the restaurant’s patio, all he wanted was a damn nap. Buck barely said hello to Daniel, asking him to make sure that Buck was up in time to leave for hopefully his last appointment at the fertility clinic. At least until he decided to have another baby. Once arrangements to be woken up were made, Buck collapsed face first, still fully dressed, into his bed.

It felt like Buck had only been asleep for a few minutes when Daniel shook him awake three hours later. Buck had to drag himself out of bed, stumbling as he stripped down to his boxers on his walk to the bathroom. He went through his normal wakeup routine, the motions and sensations helping to wake him up. The shower Buck took at work meant that Buck didn’t need to worry about his hair, but he checked it for grease in the mirror anyway. Eventually though, Buck’s gaze was drawn to his naked torso. He had worked hard for his muscles and the thought that soon his body would change both terrified and excited him. He laid a hand on his flat stomach, wondering how big it would get. He looked at his chest and wondered if that would change too. When Buck had top surgery, the surgeon had left some tissue behind to mimic pecs. He’d read some testimonials from transmen who had gone through pregnancy after transition (and still had breast tissue) had been able to nurse. Would Buck be able to feed his baby from his own body? Would he even want to? Or would it be too dysphoric?

Before Buck could spiral anymore, Daniel knocked on the door and let him know that Eddie was there. Buck sped through getting dressed after that, only just remembering to tuck his phone and wallet in his pocket before dashing out the door with Eddie and getting on the road.

“So, why’d you skip breakfast this morning?” Buck asked at their first red light.

Eddie seemed to hesitate, flexing his hands on the steering wheel, but ultimately answered. “I was on a date with Ana.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? What oh?”

“Just oh,” Buck quickly responded. “We didn’t get to talk much yesterday, but you seemed to be torn about dating at all, nevermind dating Ana.”

“She’s a nice woman. She’s also great with kids, comes from a similar background, so she has the same values I do, she loves her job, and even you have to admit that Ana’s pretty.”

“Yes, she’s pretty. But as a person who had to listen to you ranting about her irresponsibility leading to Chris getting hurt and the frankly ableist crap she was saying to defend herself, I’m a little surprised that you went on a date with her.”

Buck knew his best friend well enough to know when Eddie was getting ready to defend himself. “I don’t care who you date. That’s your business. But I don’t know Ana beyond what you’ve told me, and what you’ve told me doesn’t make me feel comfortable with her around my baby unsupervised,” Buck clarified.

Buck watched Eddie deliberately lose some of the tension in his upper body. “I guess I assumed that you had changed your mind since the last time we talked about dating and your pregnancy.”

“I haven’t,” Buck reassured Eddie. “But I don’t want Ana to have a parental role when the baby is born, if you’re still together then. And I’ll need to get to know her better on my own before she babysits or takes on any kind of caregiver role.”

“That’s fair,” Eddie sighed.

“I’ve said it before, and I know I can’t force you, but I think you need to seriously consider going to therapy. With everything your parents put you through with Chris, being defensive to perceived criticism, especially about your parenting is normal, but that doesn’t make it healthy.”

“Look, I saw Frank after the fight club incident, and I went to multiple sessions with your crazy therapist. I just don’t think therapy is for me.”

“Ok, neither of those times was really your choice. You need to choose to go for you or it won’t work. And maybe one-on-one therapy isn’t for you. Would you be willing to try something with me? Karen told me about a support group one of the women in her queer book club goes to.”

“What kind of support group?” Eddie questioned. He didn’t immediately shut Buck’s suggestion down, and Buck took that as a win.

“It’s for trans parents. Sometimes both parents are trans, sometimes only one parent is trans. There are samesex couples, hetero couples, and her friend goes there with her ex-husband as co-parents,” Buck explained.

“Ex-husband?”

“He came out as trans after they got married and had a baby. Karen’s friend supported him, but is a lesbian and just couldn’t stay in the marriage. Karen told me so she could really illustrate the variety of people in the group.”

“And you want us to go to this group together?”

“Yeah. Everyone there gets not being able to have a baby naturally. Some of them would probably understand you feeling like you weren’t very involved in the conception process way better than me.”

“What’s the catch?” Buck could count on Eddie to be suspicious. Granted, Buck did have an ulterior motive. It’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you and all that.

“I’m hoping since you didn’t like one-on-one traditional therapy, a group setting might be better and you’ll be more willing to give it a chance. Maybe find a specialized support group for yourself. One for veterans or for people with controlling parents.” Buck would take anything at this point. He could see that Eddie was struggling and Buck couldn’t help him, but Eddie needed help before he crumbled under all the pressure he put on himself.

“If your blood test comes back positive, then I’ll try the support group,” Eddie bargained. “If it’s negative then we wait until you’re actually pregnant.”

“Deal!”

Two days later, Buck’s test result came back positive and he was making a new appointment with his gynecologist, but as his obstetrician instead. And Eddie was agreeing to go to the trans parent support group.

 

CHAPTER SIX

Eddie’s jaw dropped wide open as he yawned, Buck yawning almost immediately after. Eddie smirked at him as he reached for his travel mug of coffee. “You’re the one who made an appointment before shift,” he teased. “Is your doctor’s office even open this early?”

“First off, everyone knows that yawning is contagious. Second, don’t be smug with that coffee. The scent can trigger morning sickness and if it happens to me, you can bet you won’t be drinking coffee around me,” Buck teased back. “As for the appointment, no, Dr. Emerson’s office isn’t normally open this early, but she makes accommodations for me since I’m a firefighter. This way, we’re not waiting past our appointment time and we make it to our shift on time.”

“You can do that? Schedule an appointment for first thing before shift?”

“I mean, not all doctors will do it. My GP will schedule me for the first appointment in a day, but he won’t open up early. My endocrinologist tries, but she’s got a huge patient load right now so it’s easier to just take any open appointment. I think part of the reason Dr. Emerson opens early for me is also so I’m not sitting around, surrounded by women thinking I’m some kind of pervert.”

“Huh. I guess I’m so focused on scheduling Chris’ appointments around his needs and juggling those I’ve never put much thought into how and when I schedule my own appointments,” Eddie said quietly, almost like he was thinking aloud.

“I mean, other than when you’re recovering from an injury or you have PT, you only have your yearly physical. I have that, my endo, seeing Dr. Emerson, and my therapy appointments with Dr. Snart.”

“Now I guess I need to add your prenatal appointments. This is new to me. I was deployed almost immediately after Shannon found out she was pregnant. I was lucky to get leave for the birth and I almost never got to video call with her for her appointments.”

“I mean, it’s my first time doing any of this so that’s still more experience than me.

“But speaking of Shannon, are you going to tell her about the baby before we tell Chris? He is her son and this does affect him. And honestly-” Buck cut himself off, keeping his final thought to himself.

“And what?” Eddie asked, turning to look at Buck before turning back to look at the road.

“And I’d like to be able to talk to someone who’s been through pregnancy before. I don’t feel like I can talk to Maddie because we’re still dealing with the whole savior sibling thing and she’s always been touchy about letting me make my own medical decisions.”

“I honestly didn’t even think about telling Shan before we tell Chris,” Eddie sheepishly admitted.

“You know that the first thing Chris is telling Shannon when he sees her or talks to her for the first time after we tell him about the baby is that he’s going to be a big brother. Doesn’t matter if he’s excited or upset. And since you’re Chris’ primary parent, Chris mostly lives with you and so will the baby at first. Which means the baby will also live with Chris. As Chris’ other parent, Shannon should know about anything that affects his life and living situation. In this case our baby.”

“I guess I just never thought it was any of Shannon’s business. This is our baby and our life, not hers.”

“Let me put it this way,” Buck stated after a moment to gather his thoughts. “If Shannon got pregnant and was in a place in her life to keep the baby, and she told Chris without warning you first, how would you feel?”

Eddie took a minute to think about that instead of instantly reacting. “I would be angry. She should come to me first about anything regarding Chris. I’d also be concerned that she would focus on the new baby to Chris’ detriment, maybe make Chris feel like he’s being replaced with the new baby. Especially if it was perfectly healthy with no birth defects.”

“Do you doubt Shannon’s love for Christopher and her determination to do right by him? Even if that means she’s not as active in his life right now?” Buck questioned as they pulled into the parking lot for the clinical section UCLA Medical Center, the hospital that Dr. Emerson was based out of.

“No, I know that despite everything, Shannon loves Chris.”

“So, do you think Shannon might feel any of the things you just said about our baby?” Buck prompted. “Especially if you don’t give her some kind of warning before she hears it from Chris?”

“Sometimes, I really hate when you’re right,” Eddie grumbled. “You’re never even smug about it.”

“I’m not trying to prove you wrong, Eds,” Buck denied as he stopped to put on the mask provided at the hospital doors and sanitize his hands. “I’m just trying to get you to think about things in a different way.”

Eddie followed Buck’s lead and then they entered the hospital. “I can get that. I do the same thing for you when you catastrophize and spiral.”

“Exactly.”

Buck knew where he was going, having walked this path before, so he barely paused at the check in desk and led the way to the office. Since the office wasn’t technically open yet, Buck texted Dr. Emerson’s work cell that he and Eddie were there so someone could let them in. They were immediately brought back into an exam room and a nurse got his vitals, height, and weight just like at any other physical he had ever had.

Buck was given a gown to change into and a blanket to cover his lap. He made Eddie turn around until he was settled and was just letting him know he could look when there was a knock. “Come in!” he called.

“Hey, Evan!” Dr. Emerson greeted as she came in. In her forties with her hair cut close to her scalp, Buck sometimes thought that Dr. Emerson looked a lot like a younger version of his mother, but much more open and always with a smile. Buck had been seeing Dr. Emerson since before he got his nickname in the academy. She was one of the few people he was comfortable calling him Evan instead of Buck.

“Hey, doc! This is my baby daddy, Eddie Diaz.”

“Hi, Eddie. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Michaela Emerson. I’m going to be Evan’s doctor through the birth.

“Now, before we do the physical exam, I’m going to go over some medical history questions. Then I’ll do an external physical exam, including palpating your uterus, before we do an internal exam and transvaginal ultrasound. After that we’ll talk about where we go from here and your estimated due month.”

“Month, not date?” Eddie interrupted from his spot on a stool next to Buck on the exam table.

“Babies come on their own time. Anytime after thirty-eight weeks is technically full term, but I’m not worried about it if a patient goes into labor at thirty-seven weeks. I’ve found that giving a firm date of forty weeks gestation sometimes makes my patients panic about going into labor before that, or family and friends obsess over it, make good natured but occasionally ill-advised bets on if the baby will be early or late. Now I prefer to give a month that covers weeks thirty-eight to forty-two,” Dr. Emerson explained.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Buck agreed, thinking of how everyone was talking about Maddie’s due date like a more positive version of a doomsday countdown.

“Yes, it does. After we go over future appointments, I’ll send you down to the labs to get your blood drawn for some standard tests and you’ll get those results within a week.

“Now, let’s get started! I sent you both some medical history questionnaires and I just want to go over a few things. Neither of you have a known history of any genetic issues?” Buck and Eddie confirmed that was correct. “Eddie, you have a son with cerebral palsy, assumed to be from a traumatic birth?”

“Correct. Chris was a big baby and got stuck in the birth canal, cutting off his oxygen. But he’s very mobile and active, and he’s so smart and inquisitive,” Eddie was always happy to gush about Chris and how resilient he was.

“I’m glad to hear it. And to hear that he has such an amazing support system. Evan, you noted that you were conceived via IVF? Did your parents have trouble conceiving? You also noted that they were in their forties when you were born.”

“No, to my knowledge they weren’t having traditional issues with conceiving. I only found this out recently, but my older brother had leukemia and he needed a bone marrow donation. I was a designer baby, engineered to be a perfect match. I always knew I donated bone marrow as an infant, but until a recent visit from my parents, I thought I was an oops baby that just happened to be a match.”

“Well then,” Dr. Emerson gasped, clearly thrown off her stride, before turning back to her tablet with the questionnaires Buck had scanned and emailed back to her. “Evan, it also says in your form that this isn’t your first pregnancy. Can you tell me any details about that pregnancy?”

Buck knew it was an unavoidable part of this appointment, but that doesn’t make it any easier to talk about. “I was twenty-years old and I was seeing a woman a few years older than me who was also trans. I had only been on T for a few months and back then the thought of stopping T, putting off top surgery, and having a baby I absolutely wasn’t ready for gave me terrible panic attacks. My girlfriend didn’t want children, especially biological children that she sired since it made her extremely dysphoric, so she just ran. I ended up having an abortion when I was seven weeks along.”

“You made the choice that was best for your mental and physical health,” Dr. Emerson reassured him.

“Yeah, when I was twenty I wasn’t sure I wanted a biological child, nevermind one I carried. It took over a year of therapy with my current therapist before I was comfortable with any of that, nevermind ready to actively try for a pregnancy.”

“There is nothing wrong with that.

“Moving forward, you both have a family history of cancer, but most people do these days and I’m not worried about it. Evan, it looks like you don’t have a family history of pregnancy complications or birth complications. I don’t have any other questions right now, so let’s move onto the physical exam.

”Evan, if you can lay back and pull the gown up toward your sternum, the blanket right below your hip bones. I’m going to palpate your uterus, see how everything is faring and growing. Then I’ll do your internal exam.”

Dr. Emerson went through her exam, explaining what she was doing and why, answering their questions as she went. She told them that it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but Buck’s and the baby’s measurements were all on point for Buck’s gestation.

“So,” she began after the physical exam had finished and Buck was dressed in his own clothes again, “from here on we’ll meet every four weeks until you’re roughly twenty-eight weeks along. After that, we’ll meet every two weeks until you’re thirty-six weeks, then every week until you give birth. Those appointments won’t be very long, fifteen minutes at most.

“The most important appointments will be the one you have four weeks from now when you’re ten weeks. I’ll listen to the heartbeat then. Between eleven and thirteen weeks, you’ll see a specialist, a maternal and fetal medicine specialist, and they’ll do an ultrasound as a preliminary screening for Down Syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities. We can also discuss genetic screening tests then. We generally do those between thirteen and sixteen weeks. Between eighteen and twenty weeks, you’ll meet with the specialist again and they’ll do another ultrasound. We call this one the anatomy scan. They’ll check that everything is forming correctly and they can tell you the physical sex then.” Buck was taking notes on his phone as Dr. Emerson spoke. He would need to ask about the specialist, he had assumed he would only see Dr. Emerson. Buck also appreciated that she used the term physical sex. For all any of them knew, the baby might be like him and identify completely differently years from now.

“The last appointment of your second trimester we’ll do a glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. This appointment will be the longest and will take almost an hour and a half. At all of these appointments we’ll check your weight, blood pressure, and the baby’s heartbeat. We’ll do the same at all of your third trimester appointments and we’ll also check the baby’s positioning. We may do another ultrasound to check on the baby’s growth. Before you’re thirty-four weeks along, we’ll start talking about your birth plan, if you would like to nurse if it’s possible, and postpartum care and risks, like postpartum depression. You can get the TDAP vaccine to give your baby a boost until they’re old enough for their own vaccines. Then, by thirty-seven weeks, we’ll do a group B strep test to check for infections that could get passed to the baby during birth, and likely a pelvic exam to see if you’re dilating.

“After that, I’ll see you every week until you give birth. We’ll check the baby’s position and see if you’re dilating. If you’re still pregnant around forty-one weeks then we’ll need to talk about induction. Any questions?”

“Do you have a recommendation for the specialist you mentioned?” Buck asked. “I thought you would be my only doctor.”

“I have a colleague, Dr. Diana Davis. I’ve discussed the generalities of your case with her already and I’ve worked with her when treating other trans patients.”

“I trust you. If you say I can trust Dr. Davis then I’ll believe you. What about exercise and my job?”

“Try to stay on the outside of fires from now on. You’re a very active person though, so I don’t want to change that unless it is absolutely necessary. If you and your captain are comfortable with field work, then I’ll clear you. We’ll reevaluate in your second trimester. As for exercise, only lift what you’re comfortable with. I would suggest less repetitions. I’ve had several patients who lifted weights their entire pregnancy. They all claimed it helped their labor. Your comfort is key, so just listen to your body and try to avoid exercises that put pressure on your abdomen.”

“Yeah, Buck’s just not the best at that,” Eddie tried to joke.

“Or do I just ignore other people’s opinions on how my body feels?” Buck challenged, before turning back to Dr. Emerson. “I read that tall people are less likely to show, or at least have smaller bumps. Is that true?”

“It can be. With your height and body type, if you exercise your whole pregnancy, you might not show until your third trimester. And even then, it might not be obvious until right before you give birth. But every pregnancy is different so I can’t say for sure.”

“Good to know. I don’t think I have any other questions right now, do you Eddie?” Buck checked.

“No, I’m good.”

“Then I’ll send you to get that blood draw and I’ll see you again in four weeks!”

Eddie couldn’t go in with Buck for the blood, but he waited outside the door. He didn’t speak the entire walk down to the lab and he stayed quiet until they got into the truck.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you had an abortion?” he finally asked. Buck should have guessed this was coming.

“I was twenty, still in the transition process, and had no support system except for Daniel, who was in his surgical residency. The idea of losing all the progress I made with my body, just to give birth to a baby I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep? I couldn’t do it. It was my body and my choice.”

“I guess this is one of those things I just don’t get. Shannon and I were the same age when Chris was conceived and before that I had never thought about if I wanted children. But Chris turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

“Your circumstances were also extremely different. I was working as a bartender and it was the beginning of my traveling days. I just couldn’t do it. Now, I have a job, a support system, and I’m mentally ready.”

“I guess since I didn’t experience it, I’ll never really get it, especially since I honestly can’t imagine not having Chris. But I can respect that it was what you thought was best for you and I support people’s right to choose what they do with their own bodies.“

They drove in silence for a while before Buck spoke up. “Can I ask a question now?”

“Shoot.”

“How do you feel about Daniel living with us? We’ll have three incomes, so we can probably afford a big enough house. And I honestly think having my big brother around will be really good for my mental health during the pregnancy.”

“Can I think about it? I don’t know him very well and he would be living with my son. I’m not ruling it out entirely,” he clarified. “I just need a bit of time to think about it.”

“Of course, take some time to consider it. But try not to take too long. The house search likely won’t be quick and I want to be moved in and settled before I give birth.”

“I’ll get back to you soon. And I thought about what you said about telling Shannon and I’m going to tell her tonight. I can pass on the message that you would like to talk to her?” Eddie offered up.

“I would really appreciate it,” Buck breathed.

Buck ended up hearing from Shannon the next morning and invited her to the loft for some coffee and tea.

“Congrats on the baby,” she says once they’re settled around the dining table with their drinks.

“Thank you. And thanks for meeting with me. I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about this. My sister is due soon, but we have a complicated relationship,” Buck explained.

“I get it. I don’t have any siblings or cousins and my own mom was so disappointed in me. I had to do it all on my own. Eddie doesn’t know this, but I almost had an abortion. I ultimately decided I wanted my baby and told Eddie, but I was very close to going to Planned Parenthood. Just making an appointment and forgetting I ever took a pregnancy test. But after I decided to continue my pregnancy, it would have been nice to have someone other than Helena to talk to about my symptoms.”

“Yeah, I did have an abortion when I was twenty so I get it.”

“Not an easy choice,” she commiserated.

“Can I ask about your morning sickness? I’ve had some intense nausea, but I haven’t thrown up yet. I’m expecting that to change any day now that I’ve hit six weeks.”

“Oh God, the morning sickness. Everyone goes to ginger, but I would suck on Life Savers, the fruit flavored ones. And if I did that or ate some saltines or toast right after waking up, I generally felt better throughout the day. But I’m kinda jealous of you. My breasts were already feeling tender by this point in my pregnancy and you don’t have to deal with that.”

“Oh no, I have plenty of that. My nipples are so sensitive. And I still have some breast tissue, enough that I might be able to nurse. I just don’t know if I want to.”

“Helena made me feel so guilty for formula feeding Chris. But with his health issues and the fact that I just didn’t produce enough breast milk to keep up with him and his needs, formula was my only option.”

“I’m not looking forward to Eddie’s parents finding out. I know they’ve pressured him to start dating again, move on and have another kid. But platonically having a baby with his trans best friend? I’m sure they’ll have plenty to say,” Buck huffed, dramatically rolling his eyes.

“I doubt they’ll pressure you to marry Eddie, but if they do, stand firm. Eddie and I were better as friends who occasionally had sex than as two people dating or spouses and I deeply regret marrying him. We could have co-parented without being married. It just added so much pressure on us to get everything perfect, even though perfect is unattainable.”

“I told Eddie that this baby would only be conceived with a doctor, that there was a less than zero chance I would be sleeping with him. Plus, he’s pretty firmly straight, so I don’t think I have to worry about him panic proposing to me.”

“One thing you need to understand now that you’re having a baby with Eddie is that, for all he’ll complain about his parents and their opinions on his parenting and love life, he wants to please Helena and Ramon. Eddie is determined to do what’s going to help Chris thrive and have as many normal childhood experiences as possible. But his love life? He will always give in to them eventually.”

“I’ve noticed. They were very clear that he and Chris were better off without you and told him he needed to start dating as soon as the divorce papers were signed.”

“Yeah, they never liked me, but their first grandchild absolutely could not be born out of wedlock. So Eddie married me, but the Diazes hated me long before Chris was born.”

“And now he’s dating again,” Buck muttered under his breath.

“He told me last night. Said he was hoping for something serious and was going to introduce them soon, so he didn’t want me blindsided. Said he wouldn’t want to find out about me seriously dating from Chris.”

Buck sighed, happy Eddie had told Shannon about Ana, but not pleased that he was so serious about her after only two weeks of dating. “Yeah. I asked him to tell you about the baby partially so I could have someone to talk to, but also because I thought it should come from him, not Chris when we tell him in a few months. Eddie didn’t quite get why that might be bad until I reversed the situation and asked him how he would feel if you were having a baby and Eddie found out from Chris.”

“Well, I appreciated the heads up on both counts. I was free to feel however I initially felt without needing to hide it from Chris.

“And I know I can’t ask Eddie to let me have much of a say in things that affect Chris yet. It definitely wouldn’t be fair of me to tell him who to date or if he can have more kids. But I just don’t want to be completely cut out of my son’s life.”

“I told Eddie point blank I wouldn’t let her behave like a parent to our baby or spend time with them unsupervised. I had to listen to Eddie rant about how she gossiped with other teachers and missed that the kids had a skateboard, then gave some speech about accepting it when you fall off a horse and giving up. But then Eddie sees her again and asks her out? I just don’t get it.”

“I wasn’t able to go to the parent teacher conference because I had a training seminar for work. But Carla told me all about how Miss Flores instantly flirted with Eddie and that he flirted back. I’m not impressed. The ethical violation of flirting with a student’s parent? At a parent-teacher conference? I don’t have much of a leg to stand on, but I’m not sure about someone who’s so comfortable with crossing that line,” Shannon confided.

“I know exactly what you mean. And the things he said about why he asked her out concern me.”

“Oh? What makes her such a serious candidate for our children’s stepmother?” Shannon queried with a raised eyebrow.

“She’s nice, good with kids, loves her job and takes it seriously, comes from a similar background, and let us not forget that she’s pretty,” Buck listed.

Shannon scoffed. “And those surface details are enough to tell me about her because he wants a serious relationship with her?

“Being a teacher does not make one automatically good with children, especially outside of a school setting. And isn’t she a vice principal now? Administration is nothing like teaching. And similar background? So what, she also comes from interracial parents who are at once overbearing and emotionally distant?”

“I’m staying out of it unless it affects my baby. Eddie is my best friend and we’re moving in together, but he’s also a grown ass man and I can’t control him. If he wants to ignore my advice that you both casually date for a while to find out what you even want in a partner for yourself, not in another parent for Chris? Well, that’s Eddie’s business,” Buck huffed before draining the last of his tea.

“Never have truer words been said,” Shannon chuckled, handing Buck her empty mug when he reached for it. When Buck came back with water for them both, Shannon looked nervous.

“Why are you so willing to talk to me? You’re Eddie’s best friend, you should be on his side like his family is. And everyone in his family hates me for leaving.”

Buck gave a sad sigh at Shannon’s question, hating that she felt that way. He didn’t even bother sitting back down at the table after that, instead motioning for Shannon to follow him into the living room, settling across from each other on the couch.

“I’ll grant Eddie that he was in the army and set to deploy before you even knew you were pregnant. And hazard pay is no joke, so I’m not surprised he signed up for a second tour. But I can judge Eddie for not even talking to you about it,” Buck explained his point of view. “And Eddie didn’t choose to come back. He jumped feet first into being home and parenting, sure, but he meant to stay in the army.

“As for running? I come from a family of runners. I get needing space from stressors and making drastic choices when you’re mentally unwell. But when Eddie told you Chris needed you, you came. You realized you couldn’t be a full time mom and that your marriage to Eddie wasn’t helping. You had to choose between rebuilding your relationship or figuring out how to be a good mom and you chose being a mom over being a wife. I can respect that.”

“My mother was dying and I was already burnt out from caring for Chris and fighting Helena. Then when my mom died, I felt like I wasn’t what Chris needed. Like I just knew I wasn’t good enough to be his mom. I got therapy and felt like I was ready to come back eventually, but I didn’t know how to come back to them,” Shannon sniffed, confiding the worst point in her life to Buck. “When I asked Eddie for a divorce, I was planning to leave again. I was going to keep in touch through letters and FaceTime, but my depression was creeping back in and I needed to get out of LA while I got some more therapy.”

“Then you had your accident.”

“And I realized I couldn’t leave Chris again. Even if I kept in touch and visited, I would still be running and I can’t be a mom and a runner. So I stayed, and Eddie and I worked out an agreement to work toward shared custody.”

“And that is why I’m so willing to talk to you and ask your advice on pregnancy. Besides, we share a baby daddy. We gotta stick together,” Buck jokes, holding up a hand for a fist bump, which Shannon returned.

 

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