Reading Time: 81 Minutes

Title: Betrayed
Series: Morning Star
Series Order: 1
Author: Lalaith Quetzalli
Fandom: Shadowhunters
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode Related, Family, Pre-Relationship, Suspense
Relationship(s): Gen
Content Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Implied Child Neglect/Abuse, Explicit Language, Religious themes,
Author Note: This takes off in S01E09 and goes canon divergence from there.
Word Count: 20,164
Summary: Alec’s been betrayed, by his parabatai, his sister, his parents, his would-be-wife, his superiors, by the very Angels he once swore to serve. And when all those bonds are cut by the sharp blades of those betrayals, what is left of Alexander Lightwood? What is there when you’ve lost everyone and everything you’ve ever known?
Artist: Izzy Hound

Parabatai

“You told me you were taking Clary back to the Institute. You lied to me.” There was something in Alec’s voice, an emotion hidden in a cold voice and a sharp tone.

“I did what needed to be done.” It was a simple enough answer, or it should’ve been.

“Alec, the Clave has gone too far.” There was Clary again, speaking up, like always. “You have to see that. Please, just let Meliorn go.”

“I have my orders.” And it’s all about orders with Alec, isn’t it?

“You and your damn orders. Who cares about orders?” Clary snapped, angrily.

“See? That’s how little you know about being a Shadowhunter.” And Alec was the angry one now, he didn’t see that Clary’s right, there’s more to life than orders, there has to be. “You couldn’t possibly understand…”

“It’s you that doesn’t understand, Alec.” He knows that Alec likes his orders, but it went too far this time. “Not this time. I’m really sorry.”

He managed to take the older boy completely by surprise, jumping on him, pushing him away from Meliorn and Clary.

“Clary, Meliorn, go, now!” He ordered the other two.

At least that part of the plan worked well, all he needed to do then was make Alec stand down. Easier said than done.

“You always broke the rules, but never the law, not until she showed up.” His parabatai stated.

“You’ve had it out for Clary from the start. And now you’re getting married, Alec?” He was angry, so angry, and Alec wasn’t listening! “We both know what this is about.”

“Oh, do we? Okay. Why doesn’t the legend, Jace Wayland, tell us what’s it about?” And why was Alec suddenly so angry? He’s the one in the wrong!

“It’s about me! It’s about your feelings.” It’s always been, he used to believe that Alec would get over it eventually, but if he’s letting his unrequited feelings get in the way of doing the right thing… “It’s because you’re…”

If he thought that Alec was angry before… it was so, so much worse after that. But that was the problem wasn’t it? Alec’s repression, maybe if Jace had forced him to face things before they wouldn’t be where they are now. Him with his parabatai’s blade against his throat…

“Do it. Do it!” He knew the older boy wouldn’t do it, he cares too much. “I don’t wanna be alive if we’re on different sides, Alec.”

And he was right of course, Alec got off him, letting the younger boy stand.

“Come with me.” Alec had to listen now, right? They fought it out, Jace won, again, Alec would see he was the one in the wrong, would stand down, give in, like he’s supposed to. “We’ll fight Valentine the right way: together.”

“If we do that, we’ll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad.” And there went Alec again, caring about everyone but him.

“I’m begging you, my parabatai, my brother.” He believed Alec would listen, he had to. He Had To. “Please, Alec, come with me.”

“No.”

What…? Why?! Why did he say no? Why didn’t he listen to Jace this time? Alec stopped fighting. He must have known Jace was right. So why then didn’t he follow Jace, like he should. Like he always has? It cannot be about his crush, right? Alec’s not that petty. And he must understand that Jace just… doesn’t swing that way. He loves Alec, he really does, but not like that. Maybe that’s it. Maybe Alec just needs some help to find someone, loosen up, get laid. Maybe once he’s had some fun he won’t be such a bore anymore. Though that didn’t help him right then. So he thought that maybe what he needed was time. Some time to remember that they’re parabatai, they’re supposed to always be on the same side. So Jace decided to walk away for the time being and give Alec the chance to think things over, realize what the right choice is, change his mind. See that he belongs at Jace’s side…

“What…? Wait a second, say that again.”

They’ve just arrived at the Institute, him and Clary. After some rather insane situations and… revelations. Some things he really, Really, doesn’t want to think about just yet. So he’d rather focus on other things, like what exactly he’s going to say to Alec. He wants to believe it’s been long enough for Alec to have thought things over, made the right choice, but if not, Jace needs to think of the right thing to say to make him understand… so maybe that’s why he hears wrong, because Raj cannot possibly have said what he thinks he just…

“Alexander Lightwood is gone.” Raj repeats, voice even. “He was charged with High Treason, tried by the Clave. Inquisitor Herondale herself presided over the trial. He was found guilty and sentenced to deruning and exile. The sentence was carried out immediately.”

“What?!” Izzy’s practically shrieking not too far from him.

Jace only vaguely sees her, absently noticing that she’s wearing the same clothes she was three nights ago, when they rescued Meliorn. So chances are she decided to lay low, probably stayed with one of her ‘friends’ and just arrived. That certainly explains her being as shocked as he is by Raj’s news, though not what Raj is saying. He still thinks the man must be having them on, it cannot be, what could they have possibly…

“High Treason?!” Izzy cries out right then. “For what?!”

“Breach of the Accords by interfering in various Downworld businesses, specifically: through an unsanctioned invasion of the headquarters of the New York Vampire Clan, interference in an alpha dispute of the New York Werewolf Pack, as well as aiding and abetting of a high-priority seelie detainee.” Raj recites. “As well as unauthorized dealings with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, an unauthorized demon summoning. All of which, in one way or another lead to the endangerment of the Institute he was Acting Head of, the Shadowhunters under his command, Nephilim society as a whole… as well as our relations with the Downworld.”

The last part is said almost as an after-thought, like he doesn’t really care about that part (nor does anyone else), but it’s part of the official charges, so it needs to be said.

“That’s… Alec’s not like that!” Izzy snaps. “You cannot blame him for…”

“It’s not a matter of blame, Miss Lightwood, but of responsibility.” Raj seems to practically be challenging her, it’s probably good that Clary takes hold of Izzy before she can incriminate herself somehow. “All those unsanctioned missions were authorized by him. And regarding the prisoner, it was his responsibility to see Seelie Knight Meliorn delivered to the Silent City, a mission which he failed.”

“That wouldn’t be enough to sentence him to derunement and exile.” Jace points out, fighting hard (so very hard) to keep his focus, not to lose it and punch Raj right in the face, it’s probably not his fault (probably), though the way he seems to be egging Izzy on…

“No, but the loss of a Mortal Instrument certainly would.” Raj points out calmly.

“The loss…” He repeats, not quite grasping what’s being said.

“Alec’s not a thief!” Izzy snarls, beyond furious. “He’d never…”

“Wouldn’t he?” Raj retorts. “According to his initial declaration, the Mortal Cup was in his safe, which could only be opened with his own stele. He never reported it stolen, or missing. So who else could be behind the loss of the Cup but him?”

Izzy opens her mouth to say something, then snaps it closed again, clearly not knowing what to say. Raj nods, a hint of a smirk on the corner of his eyes and mouth and Jace really, really wants to punch the little rat’s face in. He has no idea how, but he still thinks that all this has to be his fault somehow! But they need to focus. They need to find Alec first.

“Where’s Alec?” He demands.

“Who cares?” Raj asks instead. “Alexander Lightwood is no longer a shadowhunter. He’s no longer any of our business.”

Jace comes dangerously close to snapping and really attacking Raj right then. Izzy manages to stop him though, pulling both him and Clary away before the redhead can say something stupid, like admitting that the cup’s in her bag…

“Come on, we gotta find Alec, fast.” She states as she drags the both of them towards the main doors of the Institute.

“You won’t find him.” Raj calls towards them. “He’s probably dead already!”

Izzy actually whimpers at the possibility, and even Clary goes wide-eyed at the suggestion.

“It’s not possible.” Jace shakes his head vehemently. “He cannot be dead. I… I would know if he were dead. He’s my parabatai! I…”

“Where’s Alec?” He blurted out the moment he saw Izzy come into the room, alone. Her older brother nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be here.” She assured him.

And really, did Isabelle not know him at all? Alec would have known worded reassurances don’t work on him. People say things, make promises so easily, most of the time not meaning them at all. Like Robert always says: ‘The Honor is in the deed’. So where exactly was Alec?! Jace wasn’t actually angry, he was nervous… Not afraid, never afraid. Fear was a paralytic, it served no purpose. He knew better than to give into fear. His father taught him better…

Before he had a chance to drive himself crazy, Alec arrived. He looked… nervous, hesitant. Jace did his best to send a reassuring smile. He knew all about Alec’s insecurities, Maryse and Robert were always berating him for his lack of skill, but once they were parabatai things would be better, he knew that.

The two teenagers took their place in the center of the room, taking hold of each other’s lower arm. There were shadowhunters all around them, bearing silent witness to this most holy of ceremonies. The union of two brothers, two parabatai. Blue fire surrounded them, and the time came, for the oaths to be sworn, the bond to be formed…

“Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee.

For whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.

The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.”

Jace chose Alec to be his parabatai, knowing it wouldn’t be easy. Alec was so good, too good sometimes. Jace was convinced he’d have never survived his Father’s training. The boy just cared too much! About other people’s opinion, about protecting others. It was like he didn’t understand that in life one could only count on one person: one’s self. Yet at the same time, Jace wanted more of that. He wanted Alec to keep caring, to look after him. To be there for him, always. And he’d heard what some of their trainers said, that maybe Alec just wasn’t made to be a shadowhunter. He’d apparently been such a prodigy at an early age and then… he just stopped advancing, or something. But if they became parabatai, Jace would be able to help him. Even if that meant Jace himself would become a bit weaker, that was okay, he could take it, if that meant Alec becoming good enough to stay a shadowhunter, to stay with them… with him.

Alec’s gone. Jace really wants to say he’s not dead, cannot be dead. Jace would know if he were! Except, there’s something wrong with his parabatai rune, it’s outlined in red, almost like an inflammation of some kind. ‘Like an infected tattoo,’ Clary murmurs at some point; except their runes are nothing like mundane tattoos. The medics at the Institute had no idea what it might be. Which isn’t that surprising, parabatai aren’t very common, he and Alec are… were… (are! They still are!) the only ones there in NY. So a Silent Brother is called.

Brother Zachariah spends what feels like hours examining his parabatai rune, taking a look at several of Jace’s other permanent runes. He even asks Jace to activate a couple of his permanent runes, and to draw a couple of temporary ones, seemingly studying the differences and similarities. Why, or what for, Jace has no idea. He just wants to know what the hell is wrong with his parabatai rune! And Alec! He needs to find Alec!

*…Torn…*

“What…?!” He doesn’t fully grasp what’s being said when first hearing it.

*The parabatai bond, has been torn.* The Silent Brother’s speech, the way they speak into people’s minds, has always driven Jace a little nuts, yet in that moment the words being said are so much worse… he cannot focus on a minor annoyance.

“What does that mean?” Izzy demands, clearly not liking the sound of it any more than Jace does.

*Many believe that a parabatai bond is permanent, that it cannot be destroyed.* Brother Zachariah elaborates. *That belief is the product of a misunderstanding. Parabatai bonds, by their very nature, tend to be so strong that it’s very hard to destroy them. It’s why parabatai often die together. The loss of one pulls the other down as well. But so also can the endurance of one allow the other to survive against the harshest of odds. Parabatai… the stronger the bond is, the more they share. It starts with a general awareness of each other, but it can grow from there, an exchange of simple impressions, of general location, health; and as far as an exchange of energy, of skills, some say that even of simplified feelings and thoughts.*

“What does that have to…?” Clary begins.

*A parabatai bond cannot be easily broken, yet it can still happen.* Brother Zachariah continues, as though Clary hasn’t spoken. *Death, either in battle or outside it, is most often the cause. There are some cases of one parabatai dying shortly after the other. Though that only happens with those most tightly bonded. What is little known is that just like a parabatai bond may be strong, it may also be weak. At times even so weak that one half of the bond may not know when their partner dies…*

Like Robert Lightwood and Michael Wayland. Jace knows that they took him in because of the two men’s status as parabatai. Yet Robert admitted to him once, early on, that he didn’t actually feel it when Michael died. If a patrol hadn’t found Jace and gotten him to Alicante, from where Robert was contacted, he’d have never known that his parabatai was gone.

*Regardless, the weakening of a parabatai bond, even to such a degree where the two halves can no longer truly feel each other in any way, is not the same as the bond being broken.* Brother Zachariah continues, growing more somber as he goes on.

“What about deruning?” Izzy asks. “We were told Alec was deruned. That would have definitely broken the bond, right? Maybe that’s why Jace’s rune’s all red and inflamed?”

*Never in all our history has someone ever dare consider doing such a thing to a parabatai.* Brother Zachariah says, his tone as even as ever and yet there’s a core of steel underneath, a certainty that such a thing truly could never happen. *Even were one half to commit crimes heinous enough to be deserving of such punishment. No one would ever wish such torture on the innocent half of that bond. Such forceful breaking would be even worse than death.*

“But I thought… they said parabatai cannot go evil…” Izzy’s clearly confused.

*Were that true Valentine Morgenstern would have never fallen, yet he did.* Brother Zachariah points out. *That belief stems from the fact that, it is believed that if one parabatai’s heart ever turned to darkness, the other half would notice. What’s more, many believe that one half would never go dark, for the feeling of their parabatai connection would stop them. We know neither of those things to be necessarily true. Despite their status as parabatai, Lucian Greymark failed to see how far his parabatai had fallen; and the bond certainly did not stop Valentine Morgenstern from his own plans. He arranged for his parabatai to be turned into a werewolf, perhaps even be killed. For their bond to be broken in such a way. It couldn’t have been easy on him, yet still he did that. With full knowledge and intent.*

That leaves even Izzy speechless.

*So no, no one would ever think of deruning one half of a parabatai bond, regardless of the crime.* Brother Zachariah continues solemnly. *In the end, only two things can truly tear a parabatai bond: Death… and Betrayal.*

That… Jace is still trying to grasp the implications of that particular revelation when, at his side, Clary seems to basically explode:

“Betrayal?!” Clary scoffs, loudly. “I don’t know why I’m even surprised… No, you know what? I’m not even surprised! Of course Alec would betray Jace.”

“Hey!” Izzy cries out, offended.

“I’m sorry Izzy, but it’s true.” Clary ignores Izzy’s anger. “He’s such a stuck up, too proud to accept when he’s wrong. Caring about stupid, useless so-called laws more than about doing what’s right, about family. Really, he knew they were going to torture and kill Meliorn, and did that stop him? Of course not! He never cared about helping save my mom, or helping Simon, or me. It’s always about the law, the law and all the stupid, pointless laws with him!” Clary only ups her volume when Izzy keeps trying to interrupt her, to deny all the accusations against Alec. “And he’s always been jealous, of Jace’s skill, his charisma, of me when Jace began paying attention to me instead of him…”

Jace stops listening to either of them at some point. Brother Zachariah is looking at him, not saying a word, not even in that mind-speech of theirs. But Jace doesn’t need to hear the words to know it. It wasn’t Alec’s betrayal that tore their bond… And just like that, his mind goes back, back to that fateful night, to all the ways things went wrong…

Leaving Izzy, Simon and Raphael to handle the guards, allowed Jace and Clary to go in and get Meliorn back before Alec could get him into the Silent City. Jace knew that if he just had the chance to talk to Alec, to make him see he’s wrong… Meliorn didn’t deserve to be tortured and killed for information he probably doesn’t even have!

It’s only as he thinks back on it in that moment that a very important question comes to him. Was Meliorn truly in that much danger? It’s not… he’s not a fan of the Clave, exactly. He knows they’re cold, and harsh and cruel. But as much as Alec might always be reminding them about the law, he’s not the kind to torture or kill needlessly. He didn’t even kill demons for the longest time! Not until years after they started patrolling. Jace can still remember that, the way so many of the other shadowhunters would look at him oddly all those years when they learned he’d never killed a demon. He knows most believed that it was because Alec was weak, or a coward. That he stood back and let others do all the work. Jace knows better though, Alec hung back, because that’s how he worked better, as an archer, from a vantage point. He also knows that Jace and Izzy have fun when fighting demons, so he left them to their fun, only stepping in when it was necessary. Alec’s body-count might be much lower than most any other shadowhunter his age, and even many younger than him, but if people were to actually take a close look at the demons he’s actually killed… they’d be properly impressed.

So, if he knows all that, why did he believe that Alec would be the kind to take Meliorn, an ally, a friend (Alec has known Meliorn longer than even Izzy! And why didn’t Jace remember that before?!), straight to his death just due to Clave Orders… Alec might focus a lot on the laws, but that doesn’t mean he won’t break them when he believes it to be the right thing. Yet somehow Jace managed to forget that, even with all the times he himself convinced Alec to do exactly that! Who even suggested that, made him believe Alec, his parabatai, would ever do such a thing? And when did Jace start believing, trusting others above his own parabatai?!

“You told me you were taking Clary back to the Institute. You lied to me.” Hurt, Alec was hurt, and deeply, as he said that, trying to hide it behind a cold voice and a sharp tone, Jace should have known better!

“I did what needed to be done.” That’s what he believed, how blind he was…

“Alec, the Clave has gone too far.” There was Clary, trying to make things right, as always. “You have to see that. Please, just let Meliorn go.”

“I have my orders.” They all did, and like so often, Alec was the only one following them.

“You and your damn orders. Who cares about orders?” Clary snapped, angrily.

“See? That’s how little you know about being a Shadowhunter.” Back then Jace had wondered why Alec couldn’t see… yet looking back on it he’s left wondering how it was that he failed to see… “You couldn’t possibly understand…”

“It’s you that doesn’t understand, Alec.” So wrong, he was so, so wrong… “Not this time. I’m really sorry.”

He went against Alec, he attacked his brother, his parabatai, not in a spar, not as part of training, but during a mission, Jace went against him… may the Angel forgive him!

“Clary, Meliorn, go, now!”

At least Clary and Meliorn left as planned. Jace cannot begin to imagine how much worse things could have gotten if she’d stayed, had tried to help him. And yet, if they had stayed, if Alec had managed to complete the mission so much else wouldn’t have gone wrong!

“You always broke the rules, but never the law, not until she showed up.” His parabatai stated.

“You’ve had it out for Clary from the start. And now you’re getting married, Alec?” He was angry, so very angry, blaming Alec for the chasm growing between them, not seeing that it was one of his own making. Who was the one not listening to the other in the end? “We both know what this is about.”

“Oh, do we? Okay. Why doesn’t the legend, Jace Wayland, tell us what’s it about?” How could Jace possibly have missed the edge on Alec’s tone, the way anger only barely managed to cover the fear, the desperation…

He’s long known about Alec being gay. Even if he might not have had a word for it at first. It’d have been hard to miss the way that Alec paid such close attention to him, not always in a sibling manner (like he did with Izzy and Max), and definitely not in the manner expected of a rival. When Jace understood what it meant, and more than that, how dangerous it was in a society like theirs (Jace might have made an effort not to draw attention, but he still did some research, enough to confirm that there were no shadowhunters known to be gay, ever… and most who might have been suspected, didn’t live long) he did his best to help. Even if it was in small ways, like commenting on how pretty (or sexy, or hot) this girl or that was, or when he kissed one, and more. He knew that Alec wasn’t too comfortable with such conversations, but Jace wanted to believe that it helped him hide. Now… now he has to wonder if those same conversations are the reason Alec never told him the truth. It’s not… Jace never wanted to date Alec. But then again, he doesn’t think Alec was ever truly in love with him. It’s just… Jace was just there, a convenient ‘target’ for Alec’s interest as he first discovered he was only attracted to his own gender. At least it was safer than nursing a crush on someone who would have undoubtedly revealed it all to the Clave, or worse, Maryse!

Still, none of that could possibly justify Jace saying the things he did, using Alec’s crush on him like that… it was unforgivable. So perhaps it’s not so surprising that he’d end with his parabatai’s blade against his throat.

“Do it. Do it!” He knew, knew from the start that Alec wouldn’t do it, he cared too much. “I don’t wanna be alive if we’re on different sides, Alec.”

Alec’s always been a far better person than most people give him credit for, certainly better than Jace, and somehow he managed to forget that…

“Come with me.” He was so convinced that since he’d won Alec would give in, because it was what he always did! “We’ll fight Valentine the right way: together.”

“If we do that, we’ll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad.” Only, it wasn’t really about them, was it? And Jace was too blind to see!

“I’m begging you, my parabatai, my brother.” How many times, how many times has he used that, their status as parabatai to manipulate Alec? “Please, Alec, come with me.”

“No.”

He said no. Alec said no. For perhaps the first time in their life he chose to stand for himself (even as he remained on the ground), he chose to hold onto his own decision instead of letting Jace lead him down whatever path he wanted, instead of letting Jace manipulate him into doing what he chose… And how did Jace repay him? He abandoned him! Left him sitting on the cement floor of that abandoned warehouse, alone.

Jace left him to carry the weight of Jace’s own crimes (and Clary’s, and Izzy’s, and everyone else’s!). It wasn’t the first time he did it which, in retrospect, makes things so much worse. Of course, never before had things gone so wrong, but that was merely luck, Alec was always telling them that their actions have consequences, and did they listen? No!

Jace was just so sure that he was right, that given a little time Alec would see it too, that he’d change his mind, do what Jace wanted him to; because that’s what Alec always did! He always gave in. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Jace had grown so used to Alec doing whatever he wanted, to Alec never standing his ground, that he didn’t know what to do when it finally happened. Why is it that Alec could always be there for him, taking on burdens that he didn’t have, didn’t deserve, and Jace never did the same for him? What kind of parabatai does that make him? He supposes he knows the answer to that…

“No.” Jace has to actually say it several times to make himself heard. “No, it wasn’t Alec’s betrayal that tore our bond.”

Clary’s expression turns mulish, and for the first time Jace can see what he’s sure Alec did from the very start. She doesn’t care. Not about the rules, or traditions, the law, other people’s opinions, their thoughts, or feelings. If it doesn’t fit with her own beliefs, her own wants and needs, it doesn’t matter. Jace would feel anger, even disgust, if the picture weren’t so much like a mirror in that moment. When… When did this happen? When did he become this person? The kind of person who’d turn his back on the first person to choose him? To care for him? The kind of person who’d ignore his brother? Would betray his parabatai…

“It was mine.”

Sister

“I underestimated you.” Meliorn told her.

“Is that a thank you?” Isabelle’s smile was all flirtation and mischief, if only to hide the core of vulnerability she wasn’t quite ready to admit to.

“In the Seelie world, it is.” Meliorn replied with a smile of his own.

Finally, they kissed. It was the same as many other kisses, and at the same time, nothing like any of them at all. Like they were on the edge of something she couldn’t truly name… The moment was broken when Clary cleared her throat, revealing she and Jace were there already.

“I hate to break up this reunion, Izzy, but we have to go.” Jace pointed out.

“You’re in good hands.” Izzy assured Meliorn before turning to the other two. “I need to get back to the Institute, see what hell has broken loose. Try and talk some sense into Alec…”

“That might not be the best idea.” Jace muttered. “Alec… he’s not in the mood to listen, not yet.”

“You need to be carefully Izzy.” Clary added, worried. “If anyone saw you… maybe you should come with us?”

“I’m sure that’s not necessary.” Izzy shook her head.

“Probably not.” Jace agreed. “But all the same. It might be a good idea for you to make yourself scarce, at least for a night or two.”

“I…” Izzy still didn’t like the idea, she wanted, no, needed, to talk to Alec, but in the end she acquiesced. “Alright. I’ll lay low for a couple of days.” She exhaled, before glancing once more at Meliorn, and then back at the other two. “Take care of him.”

“We will.” Clary assured her.

Unable to help herself, Izzy took a moment to kiss Meliorn once more, then she left. Not looking back, because if she did she might not be able to walk away…

As promised, she stays away from the Institute for a couple of days. She had a free day, and the other… she was supposed to log in for some training, but she’s sure she can fix things once she’s back, make it seem like she was training elsewhere and it was all fully authorized beforehand. It wouldn’t even be the first time Alec helped her fudge some paperwork!

So sure she is, of herself, and her plans, it takes her completely by surprise when things start going wrong (at least where she’s concerned) from the moment she arrives.

She slips into the Institute through a side door that is in the exact location so as to ensure it cannot be seen from anywhere inside the Institute. Also, the cameras inside have always been pretty useless. It’s the door she (and Jace, and even Clary most recently) always use to slip in and out of the Institute without being noticed. Which is of course why she’s so surprised when Duncan informs her of the notes in her file, concerning her unauthorized absence from the NYI and her arrival so late, and through a door meant only for the highest ranking shadowhunters.

“What…?” Izzy has no idea what to say to any of that.

“You can meet Lindsay any time after her shift begins, at eight, to see about explaining away your faults, if you can.” Duncan continues. “I’d recommend doing it before nine, as that’s when the night’s report will be filed and delivered to Branwell.”

“I…” Explain her faults? What… why?! Since when does she have to explain anything?! She doesn’t even explain herself to her brothers! Who does this idiot think he is?!

“I’m sure you don’t expect us to just ignore it when you break the rules so flagrantly, do you?” Duncan questions, though it’s clear he already knows the answer. “Big brother might have been willing to cover for you and baby you all these years, but since he’s gone now…”

“Wait what…?!” Izzy’s mental rant regarding Duncan’s attitude and how she was going to ensure all her faults ‘disappeared’ and then rub his bastard-face in it comes to a screeching halt when she hears that last part. The shock big enough she actually has to replay his words inside her own head, twice, to even start believing them: “What do you mean Alec’s gone? Gone where? What the hell’s happened?!”

‘Deruned and exiled’… ‘High Treason’… The words keep echoing inside her head, and she still cannot believe them.

She makes it to the antechamber, just outside of the Ops Room, right in time to listen to Raj deliver the news to the newly arrived Jace and Clary:

“Alexander Lightwood is gone.” Raj is saying, voice even. “He was charged with High Treason, tried by the Clave. Inquisitor Herondale herself presided over the trial. He was found guilty and sentenced to deruning and exile. The sentence was carried out immediately.”

“What?!” Izzy practically shrieks as she hears that. “High Treason?! For what?!”

It cannot possibly be true! It Cannot!!! Alec’s not that kind of person. The whole opposite in fact, he’s so obsessed with following the laws, All The Time! There’s no way he could possibly have broken them, especially not to the point of being charged with High Treason!

Oh… suddenly it all makes so much sense. All those missions? They’re the ones they did, the ones they insisted on. The ones Alec covered them for, by authorizing them. He took on the heat of authorizing missions without approval from the Clave, instead of making her and Jace look like rogues… he covered for them. Like he always does.

“That’s… Alec’s not like that!” Izzy snaps, not knowing what else to say, how to explain without implicating herself. “You cannot blame him for…”

“It’s not a matter of blame, Miss Lightwood, but of responsibility.” There’s a clear satisfaction in Raj as he says those things, a near-glee, like he’s so happy about it all. “All those unsanctioned missions were authorized by him. And regarding the prisoner, it was his responsibility to see Seelie Knight Meliorn delivered to the Silent City, a mission which he failed.”

It’s clear he’s waiting for Izzy to implicate herself. As if she were that stupid! And really, Clary making all those motions, to stop her from talking? She’s only making it even more obvious that they’re all hiding something!

“That wouldn’t be enough to sentence him to derunement and exile.” Jace points out, voice hard.

“No, but the loss of a Mortal Instrument certainly would.” Raj points out calmly.

“The loss…” Even Jace seems to be at a loss then.

“Alec’s not a thief!” Izzy snarls, beyond furious. “He’d never…”

Who else indeed…

“Let me get this straight.” Magnus said to them after Jace explained the plan. “You need Alec’s stele to open the safe, and you want me to steal it from him?”

“We prefer the word ‘borrow’.” Jace said, a bit too blasé.

“Without his knowledge.” Izzy added, because it bear clarifying.

It’s not that she thought Magnus couldn’t be trusted, but he was a little nuts for her brother so…

“No. No can do.” The warlock refused. “Not happening.”

“Magnus, ever since Alec found out our parents were in the Circle, he’s been messed up.” Jace tried to convince him. “He can’t see the big picture.”

“If the Clave is willing to subject Meliorn to the Silent Brothers, if they’re willing to go this far, what do you think will happen if they get the Cup?” Izzy for her part wasn’t afraid to go straight for the big guns, this wasn’t just about Meliorn, it was about everyone. “This affects everyone.”

“Help us get into that safe.” Jace added. “Help us stop this.”

“You’re both going to owe me.” Magnus finally conceded. “I’m talking 14th century. Gold, rubies… definitely diamonds. And Alec can never know.”

“That’s a given.” Jace agreed immediately.

“If we’re going to do this, there’s no turning back.” Magnus murmured, almost more to himself than to either of them.

If only he’d known how right he was…

She wants so much to say something, anything, but what can she say? What can she possibly say that won’t end up making things even worse somehow? And Alec… All the things they’re blaming him for, it was them, how could they be so stupid?!

“You know the Seelies better than anyone.” Her dad told her. “I’m not judging you. It’s a fact. It’s an asset. You and I need to convince the Clave of what’s coming. But… after all the unsanctioned missions that your brother authorized while we were away…”

“Alec was protecting Clary.” Izzy pointed out. “We all were. That’s what the Clave wanted.”

“You went rogue.” Her dad reminded her. “And now the Clave thinks our family honor is beyond repair. The Lightwood name only has meaning because of all the people who have fought for our cause, we were among the bravest. The best of the Shadowhunters.”

“And now they think we’re not anymore.” She concluded. “We’ll do better. Jace, Alec, and I, we’ll restore the family name and our honor.”

“Then you need to understand the honor comes from the deed.” He pressed. “It’s not a simple proposition to restore it. It’s gonna require a tremendous sacrifice.”

She didn’t understand at the time what kind of sacrifice, how big it’d be, what it’d mean for Alec. He said it, that they’d done wrong, gone rogue, yet she didn’t see it, refused to see it that way, because she was so full of the righteous belief that what they were doing was the right thing…

“Where’s Alec?” Jace demands.

“Who cares?” Raj asks instead. “Alexander Lightwood is no longer a shadowhunter. He’s no longer any of our business.”

Izzy can tell that Jace is very close to snapping and barely manages to stop him in time, pulling both him and Clary with her. Really, the last thing they need is for Clary to get it in her head to do or say something stupid, Jace alone is hard enough to control!

“Come on, we gotta find Alec, fast.” She does her best to redirect their attention, especially Jace’s; hopefully if he’s focused on Alec he’ll forget about trying to attack Raj.

“You won’t find him.” Of course the bastard has to make things even harder by provoking Jace, again. “He’s probably dead already!”

Izzy’s quite sure she’s actually whimpering at the possibility, only half-listening to Jace’s denials, his insistence that if anything were truly wrong, if Alec were in true danger, or worse, he’d know. They’re parabatai after all. Of course, finding out that there’s something wrong with his parabatai rune doesn’t make things any better.

One of the Silent Brothers is called to check on Jace, and while that happens Izzy can feel his anxiety climbing. He cannot help but wonder where it all went wrong. Was there anything she could have done to change things? She thinks back to the last time she saw Alec…

She was working on some algorithms, feeling the need to do something, anything, when from the corner of her eye she noticed Meliorn being escorted by some guards. She instantly knew something was wrong.

“Where are you taking him?” She asked the moment she caught up with them.

“To a holding cell.” Lydia informed her. “A guard unit will transport him to the Silent Brothers.”

“You can’t do that!” Meliorn was supposed to be there to ask some questions, friendly, not as a prisoner! Why were they doing that?!

“It’s not our decision, Isabelle.” Alec told her. “The Clave made the order.”

“That could be a death sentence to a Downworlder.” Jace pointed out.

“Are you trying to start a war with them?” Izzy demanded, hotly. “Meliorn’s told you everything he knows.”

“You don’t know that.” Lydia stated. “Maybe we haven’t asked the right questions. Seelies often skirt the truth. If he has information on another terrorist attack, it is our responsibility to get it.”

She was right, is the thing. Izzy had always known those things about seelies, yet Meliorn was special, not just as her lover, but as her friend. He was good!

“Let me talk to him.” She more demanded than asked.

“That wasn’t exactly helpful in the past.” Lydia reminded her.

Again, not a lie, much as Izzy might hate it. While she and Meliorn may have originally come together as contacts for their own people, exchanging information, they were more than that. And while she might not want to admit it, she wasn’t exactly objective about him.

“But he may not know anything.” Jace insisted. “Alec, this is going too far.”

He turned to Alec then, they all did. Like they were expecting Alec to solve the problem, to make things right, just like that. And they did expect that, didn’t they? They were always expecting him to solve their problems. Because that was what Alec did. She and Jace went and did something stupid, or got into trouble of some kind, and Alec made things right. Only apparently not this time. This time it was out of his hands, out of all of their hands…

“We don’t have a choice.” Alec stated.

And that was that.

Back then she couldn’t help but feel that Alec was failing her, failing them. And why? Because he was always the one to solve their problems? Even when it was all their own fault, even when Alec had tried (so hard!) to keep them from getting into trouble in the first place (see slipping out of the Institute without permission, bringing mundanes into it, and the ever-growing list of unauthorized ‘missions’). And yet, that’s exactly what got him in trouble, isn’t it? And who was there to bail him out, the way he always bailed her and Jace out? No one. He had no one there for him, because she and Jace were too busy covering their own asses, keeping a low profile while things ‘blew over’, convinced that once they got back they’d be able to convince their brother of seeing things their way, of bailing them out, again? And what did that achieve? Nothing at all. Worse than nothing even. Because when Alec truly needed them, they weren’t there.

She has to wonder, when did they get to this point? Could she have done something to stop it from happening? Or at least stop it from going this far? She remembers when she knew for sure that something was really wrong with Alec and Jace…

She was walking towards them, having just finished her call. Clary was missing and tensions were running high.

“Just like I thought.” She announced. “She wasn’t arrested.”

Which, small mercies.

“It was your job to look after her.” Jace snapped at Alec.

“I did my best, Jace.” Alec tried to excuse himself.

“Well, then maybe your mother was right, and your best just isn’t good enough.” Jace retorted.

“Jace!” She cried out, horrified.

“Hey! Are you so blinded by your feelings for Clary, you’ve lost sight of us?” Alec demanded, angry. “Clary snuck out. I went after her… to protect her. I did nothing you haven’t done a thousand times before.”

“Yes, you did. You lost her.” Jace insisted.

“Enough, both of you.” Izzy snapped.

She made them stop fighting in that moment, but what did that really do in the long run? Nothing at all. It didn’t change any what had already been said. What Jace said to Alec… And he’s yet to apologize. The question now is, will he ever get the chance? Will she? Will Izzy ever get the chance to see her brother again, to apologize for all the times she failed him, for not being there for him when he needed her, needed them the most?

And it’s not even just this time. How many times in both the recent and distant past did Alec need her and she wasn’t there for him? Or worse even, she was there, but instead of supporting him, of being a friendly ear, even if she couldn’t entirely understand him, she ended up questioning him, even condemning him for his actions and his choices. She might not have entirely agreed with Alec’s decision to marry Lydia, especially knowing as she did that he would never love her, never even be attracted to her at all, but that did not mean she couldn’t have been nicer about it. Izzy’s always been so used to living her life, her choices, caring very little what others might think (she was told she shouldn’t dress the way she does, and she didn’t care; was told she couldn’t fight in heels, yet she learned how to do exactly that; has been criticized for her friendships and relations with Downworlders yet that never stopped her); somehow she forgot who it was that made it possible for her to do all that, to be all that: Alec. Her brother gave her everything she could have ever wished and Izzy… she just wanted him to have the same. Somehow failing to realize that it wasn’t that easy, not for him.

Torn. The parabatai bond has been torn.

She has to repeat the same words at least half a dozen times inside her own head before she’s even sure she heard them. And even then she refuses to believe them. A parabatai bond broken? Alec and Jace’s bond broken? Surely such a thing is impossible? How? How could such a thing ever be possible?!

There’s a long explanation about parabatai bonds, about the truths and the lies that are so widely believed. How it’s not truly unbreakable, yet it’s not something that can happen easily either. So they know for sure that Alec’s deruning did not cause their bond to break, but then what? How did such a thing come to happen?

*In the end, only two things can truly tear a parabatai bond:* Brother Zachariah announces. *Death… and Betrayal.*

Izzy’s mind blanks. Betrayal?! Alec would never…!

“Betrayal?!” Clary scoffs, loudly. “I don’t know why I’m even surprised… No, you know what? I’m not even surprised! Of course Alec would betray Jace.”

“Hey!” Izzy cries out, offended.

How dare Clary say such things about her brother?! She doesn’t know him, has never even tried to get to know him!

Izzy grows abruptly furious. Because that… that person Clary’s describing is not who her brother is. It’s not! Her beloved older brother, who let her sleep in his own bad whenever nightmares made it hard for her to sleep on her own; who was there for her, growing up, far more than their parents ever were, for either of them; who, when several trainers criticized her use of heels in training, assured her that she could do whatever she put her mind to, and cheered the loudest when she managed to take all of those same trainers down for the first time; who, when the person who was supposed to train Izzy in her chosen weapon kept insisting that she was no good at it, because she wouldn’t do things the way he did, went and learned the basics himself, and then helped Izzy make up a style all her own. Alec has done so much for her, for all of them, and for Clary to try and reduce him to bad attitude and jealousy…!

For the first time Izzy looks at Clary and has to wonder what’s so special about the redhead. It’s… Isabelle does like her. She’s one of very few women who’ve never looked down at her for her choice of clothes, of footwear, of fighting-style. Izzy liked having someone around who accepted her, another woman, someone she could almost count as a friend… and it’s like in that discovery she somehow managed to forget that others were there before. That Alec’s always been there. Why? Why did she do that?!

“No. No, it wasn’t Alec’s betrayal that tore our bond.”

It takes a moment for Jace’s voice to fully penetrate through her thundering thoughts, but when it does… Izzy turns to look at him and she knows by his expression alone that whatever’s running through his own mind is huge, and it might just change everything. That’s confirmed the moment she processes what he’s already said, the implications of his words, and then what he says next… it’s almost more than she can take:

“It was mine.”

Mother

“I wish you could understand how hard it is to be your own childrens’ commander.” Maryse stated in a low tone.

“You’ve made your priorities pretty clear.” Isabelle replied.

“In times of war…” Maryse began.

“We’re always at war, Mom.” Isabelle cut her off, so full of righteous anger, her daughter. “So spare me your parenting excuses.”

“Isabelle, I’m trying to protect all of us.” Maryse tried to explain. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“And how exactly does what you’re doing to Alec protect me?”

“You remind me so much of me.”

“If that were true, I would actually be impressed.”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t. When I was your age, I thought I had everything figured out. I thought I could change the world by breaking the rules.”

“You broke the rules? Where did that person go?”

“She was stupid. She confused passion with strength.”

“So passion makes you weak?”

“No. Passion makes you dangerous. That’s why you’re not ready for the responsibility you think you are.”

Maryse isn’t one to go looking down ‘memory lane’. Isn’t one for regrets either, and yet as she stands on the walkway, overseeing the Ops Room, eyes on what once was her domain, yet isn’t anymore, watching all those who were once her subordinates, yet aren’t anymore… There’s a part of her that cannot help but wonder when and how things went so wrong, exactly… Where exactly did she go wrong?

She thinks back to her youth, to all the things her children don’t know. All the things she’s done. Maryse isn’t one for regrets. She made choices, for good or for ill, and she stood by then, until she couldn’t anymore, until something proved to be more important. Her reasons for choosing one thing or the other don’t matter anymore. She’s done her best to teach her children, not to be like her, but to be better than her. To not make her mistakes.

Things like passion and righteousness and believing that you can change the world… they belong in stories, in fantasy worlds, not in real life. They live in a world and a time where the only way to survive is to do your part. To follow the rules. ‘The Law is Hard, but it is the Law’… Wanting to make the world better, to ‘revolutionize’ things… it’s a pretty idea, but it never works, she should know!

“You’re all so eager to do what you would prefer.” She told her children, the day of her return to NY. “It’s time to face the truth. Life is not about what you want to do, it’s about what must be done. I have given you your assignments, now carry them out.”

She didn’t lie to Isabelle, it’s not easy, being your children’s commander. The Shadowhunter Academy in Idris existed for a reason. Most parents cannot be trusted to teach their children how to fight, being too soft, too gentle, too afraid of hurting them, not realizing that it’d be for their own good. That a child being injured in training might just lessen the chances of that same child dying when out on a mission.

Motherhood… it was never something Maryse aspired to, not really. After so many generations where women were pushed into marrying and having as many children as possible, Maryse has always believed she was fortunate, to have been born at a point in their history where all hands on deck were needed. She got to be trained, to become a full-fledged shadowhunter. Oh, she was still expected to marry and have children, but that didn’t mean she had to stop doing active duty. And with the loss of her older brother… she was all that was left of the original Trueblood line.

So perhaps she’s not been the best of mothers, but she at least did her best to ensure her children would survive. She’s always believed that Alec babied his younger siblings too much. That was on Robert, he was the one who brainwashed him with that idea of him having to protect his siblings. Yes, Alec was responsible for them, but he shouldn’t have treated them like they were babies, or worse, mundane children! They weren’t, still aren’t. They’re shadowhunters, they’re warriors with the blood of the angels, they have a holy duty to uphold.

Alec… it’s so strange, how he’s always been her greatest pride, and her biggest disappointment at the same time. She can still remember, back during a time he probably doesn’t even remember, Alec was so bright, so gifted. She was the first in the Circle to have a child, and all the others kept praising her son, and praising her for being his mother, expressing a desire that their own children would be as good as him. He was just three years old when they were all convinced that he was a shining star, destined to become the very best of their generation… How then did he end up being one of the worst?

So many times she had to listen to his trainers expressing their disappointment, their frustration, even anger, whenever Alec failed to grasp a new technique, to be fast enough, strong enough, good enough. It was like something went wrong at some point with the boy and he could do nothing better than the average. Even when Jace joined them, Maryse almost hoped that some one-on-one competition would allow Alec to improve, but it didn’t.

She’ll never understand why the boys ever got into their heads to be parabatai. Though she supposes that at least put an end to her constant shame about Alec’s lack of skill. He was at least good enough to be teamed up with Jace and Isabelle, even when they were quite younger than him. They’d tried putting him in other teams before, had him work with a number of patrols, but they all had the same thing to say:

“He has good form, a good foundation, but there’s just something missing. If he were younger I’d say it’s that but… maybe he’s just not good enough Madam Lightwood.”

Not good enough. Her children will never be able to understand the shame of being told that of her own son. The son she put so many of her hopes, of her beliefs in, and for him not to be good enough. Even when he finally proved to at least be capable enough to join patrols officially, he was never anything extraordinary. Never anything more than average.

At least fostering Jace Wayland allowed them to take some pride in him. As long as the boy was seen as part of their family, the Lightwoods had a hope of regaining some of their old reputation.

And yet, even with all that, if there was one area where she knew she could count on her son, it was in doing what’s right, what’s necessary, for their family. To secure their future.

“This is not about me and your father. It’s about Alec.” Maryse told her daughter.

“And I’ll do anything to protect him.” Isabelle insisted.

“Well, you can’t do this.” The older woman replied, in a scathing tone. “You and your Downworlders have seen to that. You can’t possibly attract the caliber of husband who could help us restore the honor to our family name.”

“The honor comes from the deed.” Clearly Robert was at work, if Isabelle was trying to use one of his favorite phrases.

“When you truly understand that, then you’ll understand me.”

“You’re talking politics. I’m talking about Alec’s life.”

“It’s all the same to a Shadowhunter, Isabelle. How can we protect others when we can’t protect our own family? Alec gets that… unlike you.”

She truly did believe that. Alec was the only one of all her children who seemed to understand that there were things more important than doing whatever the hell they want. Making their own choices, ‘happiness’ is all well and good, until it turns into lives ruined and legacies lost. They aren’t mundanes, to let their lives be ruled by thoughtless choices and impulsive actions, with no care for the future. They have a duty, oaths to uphold! Nothing else matters.

So how exactly did they go from that, from Alec understanding and accepting his place in the world, the sacrifices he’d have to make to secure the future of the whole family to… this? This moment where her son is now a known traitor, where he’s been deruned and exiled; where she’s once again looked at with doubt and distrust for being the mother of a traitor. Where her whole family has been ruined, probably forever. Because of the actions of the son that she expected to at least not make things worse?!

“There are rumors that local Shadowhunters have been interfering in Downworld affairs.” Maryse stated stoically. “But you two wouldn’t know anything about that, right?”

“Nada.” Isabelle answered promptly.

“No.” Alec answered at the same time.

She knew better of course she did, but the past was the past, there was no changing it, they needed to focus on what came next.

“Since all this happened here in New York, under our command, they are concerned with our devotion to our job and the cause.” She informed her children.

“But we’re the Lightwoods.” Isabelle protested.

Like that should have somehow been enough.

“Remember, the honor isn’t in the name… it’s in the deed.” Robert reminded her. “The Clave is sending an envoy.”

“Who will be coming to observe us.” Maryse added.

“And to gather information about Valentine to report back.” Robert continued.

“But really to scrutinize our leadership, so I beg of the two of you, don’t do anything that would cause the Clave to lose even more trust in us.” Maryse sought to drive the point home, this was important, so very, very important.

She knew her children were hiding things from her, of course she knew, she isn’t stupid! She also knew that it was likely to have been Isabelle’s fault, perhaps even Jace’s. Alec… while Maryse would agree with his choice to stand by family (that was one lesson they taught all of them: Family stands together, no matter what); it’d have been so much better if he’d made them obey, instead of following them into their rule-breaking. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so permissive, so forgiving with them growing up, his siblings would have learned to follow his orders better. Perhaps then Lydia Branwell wouldn’t have managed to take everything from them.

“Maryse. The Clave has ordered me to take temporary control of this Institute.” The Clave Envoy, informed her.

“Wait a minute.” For one of the few times in her life, Maryse was taken completely by surprise. “Nobody informed us.”

“The Clave doesn’t need to.” Branwell stated. “And, to repeat myself, it’s temporary. Nothing’s been decided yet. But I do need full clearance in order to assess how this Institute is running.”

Of course, things are temporary, until they aren’t. Until the Clave decides enough is enough.

“The Clave has spoken.” Lydia announced. “They will be taking full control of the Institute.”

“I’m begging you. You can punish us, but our children did nothing wrong. They’ve worked so hard…” Their legacy, the Lightwood legacy, what was to become of that if they lost the Institute?

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.” Lydia stated, formally but not unkindly. “With everything that’s happened here in New York, plus your history with the Circle, and now Valentine’s return. The Clave believes the Institute’s at risk.”

“We’ve been trying to stop Valentine.” Her husband snapped, angry. “What has the Clave done? The answer is nothing. He’s growing in strength. They’re more concerned about removing us from the Institute.”

“Robert.” And really, could he not see that anything he said would only make things worse? Much as she might hate bowing down, ‘bending the knee’, they had to think about the future, their children, their legacy!

“The law’s hard… but it is the law.” Lydia quoted. “We will await the Clave’s instructions.”

Lydia Branwell. Like Robert, Maryse didn’t much like Alec choosing her as his future wife; yet unlike her husband, she understood what their son was doing. That instead of trying to bring someone new in, to get the Clave to approve of someone entirely new to New York, he sought to take advantage of the Clave’s actions thus far, to turn things around. The Clave trusted Miss Branwell, at least enough to oversee the Institute for the time being. A match between the two of them could only be beneficial for all of them. Alec would get to be Head of the Institute, Miss Branwell would get to be Co-Head, and to ally herself to their bloodline (whatever their current reputation might be, her children carry the blood of two of the Original Twelve!), and the Branwells, while not as revered, were no lesser family.

So how is it that one day she’s leaving for Idris to get some things done, hopefully use the news of the coming wedding to regain some good-will, some connections, and next thing she knows Alexander’s been arrested and is undergoing trial, under the eye of Imogen Herondale, for High Treason against the Clave?

It wasn’t easy, not at all, but hard choices had to be made, and she made them!

“Are you sure about this Maryse?” Robert asked her when she told him what she’d decided.

“I am.” She answered simply.

“What about family standing together?” He pressed. “Alec’s still our son.”

“Is he? If he were the son we raised, the son I raised, he wouldn’t have done this to our family!” Maryse snaps. “Now, this is what we need to do, Robert. We need to distance ourselves as best we can from this situation, this trial, from him and his crimes. The Clave already doubts us, we cannot give them any reason to turn on us. Not again. We need to do this for Max, and the Lightwood legacy.”

Regardless, she has to admit she never did expect for this to go the way they did. She knew that the arrest alone meant they’d be losing the New York Institute for good. And yet… Alec’s gone, deruned and exiled. Isabelle is angry, furious, with both her and Robert, both she and Jace are refusing to so much as be in the same room as either of them. A corner of Maryse’s mind wonders if they’re angrier at the two of them, for staying away, or at themselves. She knows they weren’t around for the trial either; and more than that, that they must be responsible in some way or another for the crimes Alec was accused of.

Really, Maryse knows her children, better than they think. Knows the good and the bad about each of them. She tried to raise them right, to keep them from making her same mistakes, but they never saw it that way, did they? They didn’t see it as her trying to help them, but as her being authoritarian, brusque, cold, perhaps even cruel and unloving. But things like kindness and love have never done those like them any favors. In warrior societies those who are too soft are also those who die first, who’re too weak to survive. All Maryse wanted was for her children to survive. For them to carry on the legacy of the Lightwood and Trueblood lines. Alexander and Isabelle, they never saw that. And now… now it’s too late.

“Your attention please.” Lydia’s standing in the middle of the walkway, in a nice, if plain brown business-suit with a black top underneath. “As everyone knows my name is Lydia Branwell, Clave Envoy sent to supervise the New York Institute in these hard times. Your former Acting Head, Alexander Lightwood, has been tried for High Treason, found guilty and sentenced to Derunement and Exile. The sentence was carried out before dawn today.” She pauses, just long enough for everyone to grasp that: “The Clave has decided that, in the face of these events, a new leadership is needed. I will be taking over as Interim Head of the New York Institute, until such a time when the Clave can either confirm this appointment in a permanent manner, or find someone better suited for the post.”

Would-be-Wife

Lydia was going through some files in the study she’d taken over upon her arrival to the New York Institute. It wasn’t the Head’s office. Despite recent developments she didn’t try to take that over. Really, she wasn’t trying to antagonize the Lightwoods, or anyone else in NY. She was just doing her duty! It surprised her, when Alec Lightwood stepped into the study, not that he knew where she was, but that he’d approach her, considering what had just happened, the way his family was losing ground. Everyone else in his family seemed comfortable enough blaming her! So why not him too?

“Lydia, do you have a minute?” He asked her politely.

“Alec, I’m sorry about your parents, but my hands were tied.” She said preemptively, half guessing what he might be about to ask.

“No, I… I know. The law is hard, but it’s the law, and I respect that.” Those words, and his honesty behind them, took her by surprise. “But I’ve realized that I have to listen to my heart.”

“Let’s not forget where that got me.” She said with a sad smile.

She’d told him about the love of her life: John Monteverde; he was the only person she’d ever shared that story with, of her own volition; and she wasn’t quite sure why she had done it at all. It was… Alec Lightwood wasn’t like other men their age. He was intelligent, respectful, with a good head on his shoulders. He also seemed to understand the world they lived in better than most (certainly better than the rest of his family!)

“I know. And I can’t bring John back.” He told her gently. “But, like you said, our families have been strong allies. And we can use that to our advantage. Together, we can restore my family name and we can keep the Institute.”

“And we’d get to run it.” It took her no time to catch up with him, with his plan.

Even knowing what she did, what they both did, the moment he got down on one knee still got to her, enough to leave her a bit breathless. She’s not a little girl to believe in fairy-tales, or a teen-aged one lost in the throes of some passionate love; she’s a grown woman, mature enough to see what’s truly going on. Alec isn’t in love with her, nor she with him, but still, they respect each other enough, value one another’s skills and gifts. They can make it work (Truly, some marriages have been known to start with less).

“Lydia Branwell, will you marry me, Alec Lightwood?”

What answer could she have given but yes?

She wasn’t lying when she told the Lightwoods that it was just something temporary. That was the truth at the time. Until things changed, until the Clave decided that neither generation of the Lightwood family could be trusted anymore. That was never what she wanted. It’s not that she holds any special regard for them. Robert and Maryse Lightwood, while she truly believes what she told Alec when they talked about it, that his parents made a mistake when they chose to join the Circle, and she does try to be understanding of it, and of the fact that however long it might have taken them, they realized they were wrong and returned to the Clave, that doesn’t mean she trusts them, or ever will. Alec was a different matter entirely. He was… not a love, no, John was the love of her life, and if his death taught her something it was how dangerous loving could be for those like them. Like she told Alec: in their line of work, the only thing worth falling in love with is the work itself. Still, Alec was a friend, someone she could see herself spending the rest of her life with. Even knowing that he’d never love her (She’s not blind, it was clear to her from the first moment she saw the two of them in the same room just who it was Alec was truly interested in; she also understood, just like him, that it could never be), and she’d never love him, they were friends. What’s more, he respected her, supported her, even when he might not entirely agree with some of her decisions, like with the mess with Seelie Knight Meliorn. He supported her, even when he might not have entirely agreed with the decision to send Meliorn to the Silent City for further interrogation, he understood that it was necessary. In the end, it wasn’t a choice they were making on their own, all they were doing was following orders. If it wasn’t them, it would be someone else, and where would they be? If only Alec’s siblings could have understood that.

She’s not stupid. She knows Alec’s siblings have to have been involved in that ‘daring rescue’, she also knew from the start that Alec would never point the finger in their direction. He’s just loyal like that, even to those that don’t deserve it. She tried, so very hard, to prove that there were others, anyone else involved; but she has to give it to them, the ‘rescue’ was quite well executed. There was no trace of any of those involved, and only Alec hadn’t been knocked out by those involved; which of course had served to point fingers his way. Because what other reason could there have been for him to have come out of that situation both awake and unhurt? He had to be complicit in some way. There’s no other possible explanation, as far as the Clave is concerned. Because if he’d truly fought the attackers, he’d have either won (either killing them or at least injuring them, managing to finish the mission afterwards) or lost, which in turn would have meant either him being badly hurt, dying, or at the very least being knocked out, like everyone else. Yet none of that happened. When the reinforcements arrived Alec was found to be awake and moving, no visible injuries on him. Also, he was far too honorable to even consider lying, pretend to have been knocked out, even if only for a brief time.

Lydia hated so much having to arrest him, she did. But she knew her duty, and so did he.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured softly as she approached him.

“For what?” He asked, somewhat confused.

His eyes widened briefly when Raj and two guards approached, and Lydia could tell the exact moment when he understood what was happening.

“Alexander Lightwood, by order of the Clave, you are under arrest for high treason.” She announced formally.

“On what grounds?” He asked, even as he stood and pulled out his stele, offering it to her.

“Only a handful of people knew about the op.” She explained. “And from those involved, all but one was fully unconscious at the time of the prisoner’s escape.”

“Which means either you let him escape, or you helped those who did.” Raj pointed out.

Alec didn’t reply to that, not that Lydia expected him to. So she just gave a sign and the guards led him away.

She knew he wasn’t responsible for the crimes being leveled at him. She knew and she just had to give him the chance to save himself. Even knowing as she did that the most likely culprits were his siblings, and how unlikely it was that he’d ever turn on them (he was far too loyal to his family, more than she believed they truly deserved, considering their treatment of him). So she went to see him. Alec might have been technically a prisoner awaiting trial, but he was also a Lightwood, so instead of being in a cell, he was locked up in his room. She went to talk to him, alone, knowing that he wouldn’t even consider saying a thing otherwise.

“Alec, can we talk?” She asked him softly, closing the door right behind her.

“Is this where you tell me the engagement’s off?” He asked her, a hint of a smile on the corner of his mouth, not a happy one.

“Is that what you want?” She asked him in turn.

Truth be told, she wasn’t expecting that particular question, though she doesn’t know why, it’d be the logical thing to do, wouldn’t it? Break the engagement, distance herself before the accusations against him affect her by association. And yet, she doesn’t want to do that. It doesn’t feel right. Giving up on Alec… he deserves better. He deserves to have someone in her corner, even if there’s not much she can do. She can be there for him.

“No.” She tells him simply. “I didn’t come here for that.”

He arches a brow, silently asking the same question she was considering herself.

“Look, can we just talk off the record?” She suggested.

“What? Like, Head of Institute hat off?” He was only half joking, and they both knew it.

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded, sitting up on his bed.

She turned her back on him briefly, pulling out her stele and using it to activate the privacy runes she wasn’t at all surprised to find engraved on his door-frame. That at least would show him she was serious about them having a private talk.

“Okay,” He repeated. “You have my undivided attention now.”

“Look Alec, we both know you aren’t to blame for what happened with Meliorn.” She told him sincerely. “You might not have agreed with the orders, but you still knew we needed to follow them. The Clave would allow for nothing less.”

Alec nodded, they did know that.

“We also know that you’re not a traitor, which means there’s only one possible scenario in which someone would be able to take Meliorn, without you being able to stop them, or them either killing or knocking you out.” She said next. “It was Jace, wasn’t he? Or Isabelle, or even both of them, maybe even with some of their Downworlder friends.”

Alec pressed his lips tightly together, seemingly mentally considering if he should say anything or hold his silence. In the end he apparently decided to trust her enough to be honest.

“They thought they were stopping a war with the Downworld.” He said simply.

“Well, while I’ll admit that they might have had reason to worry, they did know Meliorn was being sent to the Silent City and not the Gard, right?” She asked, brow raised.

Truly, if one kept things in perspective, the Silent Brothers were by far a lesser evil than the Inquisitor, Consul and everyone else in the Gard. With seelie having a percentage of angel blood there was even a chance that the Silent Brothers could have used the Mortal Sword to get what they needed, which would have allowed them to either release Meliorn, or formally arrest him. Most likely the former, seeing as, knight or not, in the end whatever actions his Queen undertook, weren’t on him.

“They also know we had orders from the Clave, right?” Lydia asked next.

Alec could only shrug somewhat helplessly, and Lydia couldn’t help but wonder how long exactly such questions had been running through his own head. Jace Wayland and Isabelle Lightwood were shadowhunters, which meant they knew their laws, they understood that when the Clave issued an order it was to be followed. Theirs wasn’t a democracy, they weren’t mundanes. The law is hard, but it is the law!

“You won’t turn them in, will you?” It might have been phrased as a question but it wasn’t, not really. She knew Alec well enough to know the answer already.

“Alec, I want to help you, but for that to be possible you need to want to help yourself.” Lydia tried to make him see reason.

He opened his mouth, then closed it without a word. It wasn’t like she actually expected him to suddenly change his mind. Maybe it was because she didn’t have a parabatai, and was an only child, but she really didn’t understand Alec’s willingness to ruin his career, possibly even his life protecting people who wouldn’t do the same for him. Really, where were they even? She didn’t think she’d seen either Jace or Isabelle (or Clary, for that matter) since they first left the Institute to deliver Meliorn to the Silent City.

She was just about ready to give up entirely when Alec finally spoke, and what he said was the very last thing she could have ever expected:

“I may have something that the Clave wants.” He revealed. “I can give them the Mortal Cup.”

“Alec you… you have it?” She was shocked, beyond that even. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I promised Jace. And there’s this thing with Clary…” He trailed off.

“It’s… I get it.” She exhaled. “He’s your parabatai.”

She briefly wondered if those going through the tests to become parabatai were ever warned about all the consequences being part of such a bond could bring them. Everyone focused so much on parabatai being perfect warriors, working in sync like no other pair ever could. But what about outside of the battlefield? In battle being so connected, like they were one person in two bodies was seen as a good thing, but what of outside it? How much did it follow them in their everyday lives? Did either of them ever make a choice that was entirely their own? Was Alec’s choice to cover for Jace entirely about caring for family, or was it the bond demanding his loyalty to the one at the other end of it?

“I’m willing to trade the Cup for this whole thing being erased and forgotten, completely.” Alec stated. “Not just them not coming after me, but not going after anyone else for it either. Do you think the Clave would go for it?”

“To keep it out of Valentine’s hands, they’ll do anything.” She admitted. “Where is it?”

“My private safe.” He informed her. “You’ll need my stele to open it.”

Lydia will never forget the expression on Alec’s face when she told him the safe was empty. The way his eyes shuttered and his expression just went… blank. Like there was nothing left in him. No annoyance, no disappointment, not even anger, like he was absolutely empty.

The trial went fast, inordinately so (almost too much for Lydia’s peace of mind). From the moment when she received the announcement that it’d be taking place immediately (when usually trials would be scheduled for weeks, perhaps even months later, giving time for the Inquisitor’s people to do their due diligence). And then there was the fact that Lydia herself was expected to serve as prosecutor, despite the fact that the ‘accused’ was her own fiancé! Of course she said yes, what else could she do? Saying no, so much as bringing up their relationship would have been the same as stating she couldn’t be objective, couldn’t do her duty, and then both of them would be ruined.

While she never asked him, Lydia has a feeling that Alec knew from the start he was going to lose the trial. He never asked her to go easy on him, to do anything but her own job. She knew she couldn’t give him an opening to pass the guilt onto others, not only because the Inquisitor wouldn’t have agreed, but because he wouldn’t have taken it, and that would have just made her look like a fool. Like she was trying to save a man who didn’t care to save himself. Even then, she tried not to make things any worse than they already were. She intentionally didn’t mention Alec’s offer to hand over the Mortal Cup, or the fact that it had been stolen. And still Inquisitor Herondale somehow knew.

The moment the loss of a Mortal Instrument was added to the charges Lydia knew they never stood a chance.

“I don’t want to do this.” She admitted to Alec quietly, minutes before the trial was set to begin.

“You have to.” It wasn’t like he was saying something she didn’t already know, but still.

“Alec!” She couldn’t help her own reaction.

“It’s the truth Lydia, we both know it.” He pointed out calmly.

“You don’t deserve this.” She insisted. “It’s not right. You’re one of the most loyal shadowhunters to exist. The work you’ve done as Acting Head of the New York Institute… it’s phenomenal. And don’t try to tell me it was your parents, because we both know the truth. Maryse and Robert Lightwood would have never cared about improving relations with the Downworld the way you have done.”

“It doesn’t matter. We both know it. The Clave doesn’t care about the Downworld. They don’t even care about me. It’s all about getting what they want. Showing that it’s them who have the power. They will not allow for anything less.”

She knew he was right, and it hurt. Since the loss of her beloved John, duty is all she’s had. She held onto it with all her strength, rebuilt her life around it, convincing herself that as long as she had her duty, that’d be enough. That she’d live for the Clave, for the Law. She spent enough time living like that that she almost managed to convince herself that it was enough. Almost…

They were eventually interrupted by Lindsay, announcing that the Inquisitor was ready and the trial would soon begin. Meaning they should go into the room.

“Lydia…” Alec called one more time, just before she crossed the door.

“Yes?” There was a strange expression on his face, almost but not quite like resignation.

“It’s gonna be alright.” He told her.

For a wild moment she wondered who he was trying to reassure… to lie to, her, or himself.

Really, there was no way things could have ever been alright, not in their situation. And that was only proven true when Inquisitor Herondale seemed to finally tire of Lydia’s subtle attempts at drawing things out, at giving time for Jace, or Isabelle, or someone to get back, to hopefully bring the Mortal Cup with them and give them an out:

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you are found guilty of High Treason against the Clave.” The Inquisitor announced, stoically. “As such, you are unworthy of bearing the title of Shadowhunter, or the marks of the Angel on your skin. So you shall be stripped of those markings, and exiled from shadowhunter society. Never again shall you enjoy our gifts and protection. Do you understand your sentence as has been stated?”

“I understand.” There wasn’t so much as a hint of an emotion in Alec’s eyes.

“Any last words?” As if he was about to be killed…

“Yes, I actually do have something I wish to say.” Alec stated, voice quiet yet strong. “I’ve served with the Angel’s courage, served both the Angel’s justice and His mercy. I dedicated the strength of my arms to upholding the Covenant, offered my very blood to keeping to the mission. And yet none of that matters to you. You’re so keen on seeing what I’m lacking, that you won’t see all I’ve given, that I’d have willingly continued giving, my very life included. I have to wonder, how far have you all fallen, to care more about power than truly being the guardians of peace…”

Silence was his only answer.

“The sentence shall be carried out immediately.” Herondale added. “Court dismissed.”

Shadowhunters started filing out as soon as they were allowed. Derunement is not done publicly. Some say that it’s one last mercy granted to the condemned, others that the technique used is a secret not meant to be witnessed by those not involved in it. Whatever the reason, everyone took their leave. Lydia was the last to step out, turning over her shoulder, to look at Alec one last time. He was looking straight at her, three words taking shape on his lips, not spoken out-loud, and yet she could still make them out quite clearly. Words that would continue to echo inside her mind long after she left the room, after the sentence was carried and Alec left the Institute for the last time. Even after rumors of his death began to circulate…

I Forgive You…

She’s not sure she’ll ever be able to forgive herself.

The Angels

Alec has always had a pretty good situational awareness. It’s like… almost like he can feel eyes on him, he knows when others are nearby, especially when they’re potential enemies. Which means that he knew something was very wrong, even before he truly noticed the werewolves gathering around them.

“This could be a trap.” He informed the team. “Secure the perimeter. Do it now.”

The guards spread out, Lydia herself taking position in the entrance to the warehouse where the glamoured door to the Silent City sat. The two of them shared a brief look, but said nothing as Alec stepped inside, pulling Meliorn with him. They needed to finish the mission.

“I’ll take Meliorn inside.” He announced, more to the guards than to Lydia. “Just stay here. Nobody gets through.”

He could vaguely notice when several of the guards were suddenly just: gone. He didn’t like it. It meant that the situation was far worse than expected, than they were entirely ready for. Yet they couldn’t back down. Not now. It’d only make things worse.

“Not too late to turn back.” Meliorn pointed out.

“Quiet.” Alec snapped at him. “I won’t tell you again.”

As he crossed the warehouse, stopping only long enough to trace the needed rune to uncover the usually glamoured Downworld entrance to the Silent City. he couldn’t help but wonder if Meliorn was really that foolish. Did he really think they could go back? Any of them? From the moment Lydia passed on her report, from the moment they got their official orders, there was no going back. He also wondered if they realized how much worse things could have been. If the Clave had gotten it into their heads to order Meliorn be brought to the Gard… Well, then they wouldn’t have needed to get Meliorn to the Downworld entrance to the Silent City, would they? The standing portal back at the Institute would have worked just fine, since the Gard is in Alicante. But that would have been much, much worse for Meliorn. Then he wouldn’t be a detainee of the Silent Brothers, but a prisoner of the Gard… few Downworlders in such a position lived long, and their lives were never good.

Alec’s not stupid, he knows the kind of thing shadowhunters, especially the older generations, are willing to do in order to get information. ‘Interrogations’ that are little more than torture sessions. And while Lydia might be pragmatic enough (and burnt enough, after the loss of her love) to accept that sometimes such things might be necessary, she was not yet cold-blooded enough to be willing to order a man who might still turn out to be most innocent, to a sure, torturous, death. The Silent City was the best compromise. The Silent Brothers know things, they might be able to ask better questions than them. And if that’s not enough, there’s always the Soul Sword. Seelies have enough angel blood for it to work on them, for it to not just stop them from lying (which seelie cannot do anyway) but to compel answers from them. And once they had the answers they needed… Well, if Meliorn was guilty he’d be sent to the Gard next, but at least he’d deserve it then; and if he was innocent. Then he’d be free and neither Alec nor Lydia would have it on their conscience, sending a man to be tortured for nothing.

It was the best plan they, or anyone, could have possibly made. Especially with how little time they had to make it (and the likelihood, or lack thereof, of the Clave agreeing to anything less). So why was it that his siblings couldn’t understand it? Why did Isabelle and Jace insist on seeing Alec as the bad guy and Lydia as the devil incarnate or something? They were just doing their duty! Why is it that suddenly they’re the only ones who seem to remember they actually have one?! That there are laws they must follow, things they must do. They cannot just go around doing whatever the hell they want! The world doesn’t work like that!!!

“Alec.” Clary approached him from behind.

Alec would have liked to say he was surprised. But he was really, really not. So really, turning around and seeing Jace standing in between him and the un-glamoured entrance to the City of Bones was par for the course.

“You told me you were taking Clary back to the Institute.” Alec tried his best to focus more on his anger than his hurt but it was hard. “You lied to me.”

“I did what needed to be done.” Jace answered.

As if it were that simple! As if they could just do whatever they felt was right, whatever the hell they wanted and have there be no consequences!

“Alec, the Clave has gone too far.” Clary stated, her tone so full of fake understanding. “You have to see that. Please, just let Meliorn go.”

She knew nothing, understood nothing! And Jace…!

“I have my orders.” Alec said in a clipped tone.

“You and your damn orders.” Clary snapped. “Who cares about orders?”

“See?” Alec hissed. “That’s how little you know about being a Shadowhunter. You couldn’t possibly understand…”

“It’s you that doesn’t understand, Alec.” Jace cuts him off, and what the hell was that supposed to mean? “Not this time.”

Alec tried to ignore him, ignore them both, walk past Jace, finish the mission. He never got the chance. In the end, he probably trusted too much in his parabatai, in his sense of duty, of honor. The last thing he expected was for Jace to tackle him to the ground, forcing him to release Meliorn, and then stop him from rising again.

“Clary, Meliorn, go, now!” The blonde yelled at them.

Alec didn’t even get the chance to try and stop them, as he had to fight Jace instead.

And really, he wasn’t that surprised where Clary was concerned, not really. Maybe if he’d taken more interest in her training, he could have made sure that she was learning more than just how to draw runes and fight demons. Then again, with what time?! He could barely keep up with all the paperwork most of the time, when would he have had time to dedicate to her? And to be fair, with the current situation, he supposed that learning how to fight was more important than learning about laws, and culture.

And yet, that did not explain Jace. It was one thing for someone honestly ignorant of their laws and customs to make such mistakes, but Jace didn’t have that excuse. He knew the rules, knew what the Clave was like. So why the hell was he so willing to ignore all of it?! Was it really just about her? If he were someone else he might even wonder if she was that good in bed; but he’s not that kind of man, and neither is Jace, he doesn’t think. So why then? Why would Jace risk so much, his career, his whole life, over what? Or perhaps… perhaps it was that he didn’t think he was truly risking anything in the end, not really. That Alec would make things right. Because that’s what he’s always done, isn’t it? Took the blame, the fall, for any and all the things, big and small, by accident or on purpose, that his siblings did, always more focused on protecting them than himself. For perhaps the first time in his life Alec was left wondering if perhaps he was doing them a disservice all along, keeping them from learning that actions have consequences, sooner or later, they all must pay…

“You always broke the rules, but never the law, not until she showed up.” Alec pointed out as the two of them kept grappling.

“You’ve had it out for Clary from the start.” Jace snapped at him. “And now you’re getting married, Alec? We both know what this is about.”

No… Alec couldn’t believe he’d dare. Jace wasn’t that… that unconscionable… was he?

“Oh, do we?” Alec couldn’t help the challenging tone, even as he kept telling himself that Jace wasn’t about to say… that, he couldn’t help the dread pooling in his stomach. “Okay. Why doesn’t the legend, Jace Wayland, tell us what’s it about?”

“It’s about me! It’s about your feelings. It’s because you’re…”

There was a ringing in his ears, and he was abruptly so furious he couldn’t see clearly. His mind had gone completely blank and he stopped thinking, his mind and heart trying to process the blow that had just been dealt to him. The fact that his best friend, his brother, his parabatai, would dare use Alec’s own feelings against him… He was so far gone he stopped holding back entirely. For the first time ever he was no longer focusing on keeping control of his skill and power, but just lashing out, fighting, no holds barred.

It only came to an end when he found himself crouching over Jace, seraph blade out and but a hairsbreadth from the blonde’s neck.

“Do it. Do it!” Jace called to him. “I don’t wanna be alive if we’re on different sides, Alec.”

Which Alec might believe, if the blonde weren’t so insistent on placing herself precisely there. Like he believed he should be the one to choose what side they were to be in, while Alec was to follow. Always. And well, it’s not like that belief came out of nowhere, did it?

“Come with me.” Jace’s next words confirmed it. “We’ll fight Valentine the right way: together.”

Like it was that easy. Like they could just choose to go against everything and everyone and there would be no consequences. Like the solution to the world pushing at them was just pushing back and pushing harder…

“If we do that, we’ll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad.” He mumbled.

Though it wasn’t about Maryse and Robert, not at all. There was so much against them, the elder Lightwoods were but a grain of sand in the desert threatening to swallow them whole.

“I’m begging you, my parabatai, my brother.” Jace pressed. “Please, Alec, come with me.”

Alec wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole, wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, he wanted so many things, none of which he could have. All he could do was face his reality, head on, like he always did.

“No.”

One word, a single word, and it seemed to be enough to tear them asunder. Or no, it wasn’t the word. Alec was almost proud about that word, about the fact that for the first (perhaps the only) time in his life he managed to stand by himself, his decisions. No, what tore them apart was Jace turning his back on him and just… walking away. That… that was the end. In more ways than Alec could truly grasp right then and there.

He’s almost floating… but not quite. Full consciousness almost but not quite at reach. His body feels weighed down, somewhat, though not as much as he would have expected, so he’s not falling. And… he’s not feeling pain, not anymore… He doesn’t think that’s a good sign.

He has no idea what’s going on, none at all, and while there’s a part of him that knows that should terrify him… it’s like he cannot even bring himself to feel enough for that. There’s just a numbness, an emptiness inside him. It’s almost enough to swallow him whole.

Alec couldn’t help but notice that his siblings were nowhere to be found. As always, he got the reports on the comings and goings of the shadowhunters straight from Duncan, politely ignoring the man’s expression, like he always did. There was no record of either Isabelle or Jace slipping into the Institute, supposedly unnoticed, at any point during the night, or even the morning. And for that matter, there was no sign of Clary either. He supposed it was a good thing. To a point. Hopefully by the time they showed up he’d have had the chance to solve the mess caused by Meliorn’s ‘escape’. He could only hope that, wherever they might be, they wouldn’t be getting into even more trouble. He didn’t think he could handle any more, not on top of the mess they’d already caused with their ‘daring rescue’.

He was so distracted, a hand reaching to his flank and the center of his chest, trying to chase away a phantom pain that he refused to think about; so focused he was on ‘not thinking’ about things he didn’t feel ready to deal with just yet, that he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone anymore, until he sensed the presence of someone right in front of him and raised his head to find Lydia. And she wasn’t alone.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured softly.

“For what?” He asked, not quite grasping what was going on.

He understood it when Raj and the two guards (part of those who’d come from Alicante with Lydia, and not his own men) approached.

“Alexander Lightwood, by order of the Clave, you are under arrest for high treason.” She announced formally.

“On what grounds?” He asked, already standing and handing her his stele even as he did. He still had his dignity and wasn’t going to try and resist, or fight or anything else.

“Only a handful of people knew about the op.” She explained. “And from those involved, all but one was fully unconscious at the time of the prisoner’s escape.”

“Which means either you let him escape, or you helped those who did.” Raj pointed out.

He supposed it was a logical assumption to make, all things considered. He said nothing, though his mind was already running a mile a minute, considering his options. Building scenarios in his head: how bad it could be, what might make it better, or worse, what he could do, and what he most definitely shouldn’t… It was probably a good thing his siblings weren’t around, they would probably end up making things worse, somehow.

There’s a shift, some kind of change. There’s a presence somewhere nearby, so very close. He can feel the power bearing on him. He wonders if he’s managed to attract a predator of some kind already. Is he about to die? Die while laying down, too far gone to fight back, to defend himself, to at least be on his feet when he dies, like a warrior. Though in the end, if he’s truly going to die, does it matter how he goes? It’s not like it’ll make a difference in the end!

He waits a beat, two, but the pain, the darkness of oblivion he might have expected doesn’t come. Instead there’s something else, something he cannot lay his finger on. It’s not relief, just like he cannot feel pain, he doesn’t think there’s any relief for him to feel either and yet… And yet there’s a sense of… something. It almost feels dangerously like… hope.

The mere idea terrifies him, even more than the prospect of death. They say ‘expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed’. Hope is like that. As long as he didn’t hope for anything, he didn’t have to suffer when his hopes went unrealized. Hoping… it’s a dangerous business, and he’s not sure he has it in him to be disappointed again. At the same time, he supposes he doesn’t really have a choice. He has no control right now. His life, or death, it’s out of his hands… more or less like it’s always been.

“Alec, I want to help you, but for that to be possible you need to want to help yourself.” Lydia was telling him.

He knew she was just trying to help him, to make him see reason. And he didn’t blame her. Just the mere fact that she was trying, that despite how much easier (how much more convenient) it’d be for her to just… distance herself from him, cut her losses. She was still there. Still trying. She knew him enough to know that whoever might be actually responsible for the failure of the mission… oh, who was he kidding? They both knew exactly who was responsible, but neither of them would say it out-loud, not even with her having taken ‘her Institute Head Cap’ off, and the privacy runes activated. Some things were better not being said, she couldn’t reveal (or lie) about what she didn’t actually know. Plausible deniability and all that.

Alec thought long and hard about his options before finally speaking. In the end, he decided he might as well play all his cards, once and for all.

“I may have something that the Clave wants.” He revealed. “I can give them the Mortal Cup.”

“Alec you… you have it?” She was shocked, beyond that even. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I promised Jace. And there’s this thing with Clary…” He trailed off, because how could he even begin to explain…

“It’s… I get it.” She exhaled. “He’s your parabatai.”

It was, and at the same time it wasn’t that, not entirely. Because what drove him, it predated their parabatai bond. It’s… the parabatai might be the strongest bond between them, but it wasn’t the first, nor the one that seemed to rule Alec’s actions most of the time. It wasn’t that them being parabatai came second in any way, because it didn’t. It just… Long before being anyone’s parabatai, Alec was a brother. More than that, a big brother. That was at the core of him. Being the older one, meant looking after and protecting his younger siblings, always, from anything and everything, no matter what. The bond… it might exacerbate things, in some ways, but Alec knew himself enough to understand that it wasn’t all the bond. It didn’t control him. It might in some ways amplify his need to do all he could for them, for Jace. But that feeling, that need, it didn’t come out of nowhere.

Lydia might not have been able to understand any of it, but she was still there, still trying to help him, and Alec was so grateful for that… He wished he wouldn’t have to end up disappointing her.

“I’m willing to trade the Cup for this whole thing being erased and forgotten, completely.” He stated. “Not just them not coming after me, but not going after anyone else for it either. Do you think the Clave would go for it?”

“To keep it out of Valentine’s hands, they’ll do anything.” She admitted. “Where is it?”

“My private safe.” He informed her. “You’ll need my stele to open it.”

Did he use Lydia? The question has been running through his head more than he’d like. It’s not that he ever meant to do it but at the same time, he wasn’t entirely honest with her. He… didn’t exactly know, but certainly suspected (very much so) that the tarot card wouldn’t be in his safe anymore when he sent Lydia looking for it. And yet, wouldn’t it have been worse if it had still been there and he hadn’t at least tried to give it back? Alec’s not sure who he’s trying to kid there.

Pain. Pain so sharp it makes his mind go entirely blank, makes him lose his breath for what seems like ages, blocks anything and everything else for… well, he doesn’t actually know how long. Thankfully it does eventually end and, to his infinite surprise, he finds neither the release nor oblivion of death on the other side. Instead it… it’s not the same as before, not exactly. He wouldn’t call it better, not precisely, but it’s like… like the world has stopped holding its breath. Like he’s doing more than just waiting to die now. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one. Then again, he’s never been very good at that, at waiting.

Waiting. Somehow the waiting for a verdict, for a sentence, was even worse than the (poor excuse of a) trial itself. It’s not that he ever expected things to go well in his trial. With her (still) fiancée acting as prosecutor against him, his parents choosing to stay away (cut their losses), his siblings still nowhere to be found, no one able to represent him but himself, and Inquisitor Herondale herself deciding to be present for it… how could it go any way but badly?

Still, he tried. Even knowing from the start that he’d lose, that Herondale wouldn’t allow for anything less, he did. It just wasn’t in him to do anything less. He fought each of the charges laid against him as best he could, without so much as hinting that there might be someone else to blame. At least Herondale helped on that front, she had no interest in finding anyone else to blame. He had been Acting Head at the time most of the events had taken place, it was his signature on the forms authorizing those missions. That was enough. Lydia too was kind enough not to try and get him to blame anyone else, even knowing what she did. She at least knew him enough to know better than to try.

It didn’t surprise him in the slightest when a new charge, this one for the loss of the Mortal Cup, was added. Lydia had told him it’d be kept private, what he’d said to her, the deal he’d offered, and how it fell through when the Mortal Instrument turned out to be missing. Yet he always knew that even if she didn’t feel honor-bound to reveal it, there were too many people that could have seen, if not her when she went looking for it, perhaps him the day the tarot card was placed in the safe, or even Jace, Clary or whoever else was involved in the theft (and he still doesn’t want to think about who else needed to have been involved, in order for his stele to be procured without him noticing it missing).

He had to admit, that if anything surprised him, at least a bit, it was the Inquisitor not offering to ‘have it all go away’ if he could deliver the Cup in some window of time. It was what he’d have expected, considering how desperately the Clave wanted the Mortal Instrument returned. He wondered if that meant they thought he had no chance at getting it or… well, he doubted they so much as suspected the truth.

“I understand.” There wasn’t so much as a hint of emotion in Alec’s eyes.

“Any last words?” She asked next.

Had it been anyone other than Imogen Herondale standing in front of him, asking that, Alec would have rolled his eyes at the excess of dramatics. Even then it was a close thing. After all, what had he left to fear? It wasn’t like he could end up in a worse situation than he was already in! Well, he supposed there was still execution, but regardless of how they might insist on using the words ‘High Treason’, Alec knew that his crimes didn’t qualify as such, because if they did he’d be at the Gard, not in the Institute still, and he’d likely be about to be executed, instead of deruned and exiled.

“Yes, I actually do have something I wish to say.” He stated, voice quiet yet strong. “I’ve served with the Angel’s courage, served both the Angel’s justice and His mercy. I dedicated the strength of my arms to upholding the Covenant, offered my very blood to keeping to the Mission. And yet none of that matters to you. You’re so keen on seeing what I’m lacking, that you won’t see all I’ve given, that I’d have willingly continued giving, my very life included. I have to wonder, how far have you all fallen, to care more about power than truly being the guardians of peace…”

It wasn’t like he was expecting some particular answer, or some great reaction from those present, and yet the absolute lack of either… it made him sad, actually. He wondered if they even realized the significance of the words he used. He might have been paraphrasing, but they cannot have all forgotten the original Shadowhunter Oath, can they? He knew those weren’t the words used for the past twenty years or so, other than the mention of ‘guardians of peace’, but they had to still remember the Covenant, right? Right…?

“The sentence shall be carried out immediately.” Herondale added. “Court dismissed.”

Shadowhunters started filing out as soon as they were allowed. It wasn’t surprising. Derunement is not done publicly. Some said that it was one last mercy granted to the condemned, others that the technique used is a secret not meant to be witnessed by those not involved in it. Whatever the reason, everyone took their leave. Lydia was the last to step out, turning over her shoulder, to look at him one last time. Alec for his part was looking straight at her, and as she left she couldn’t help but want to say one last thing to her. He didn’t say it out-loud, not wanting to be judged, or mocked, for his heart-felt words, but he still made sure she knew:

I Forgive You.

It was important to him. Regardless of how things might have gone, it wasn’t Lydia’s fault. And he didn’t want her to have to carry any sort of guilt for what was coming to him. It was Alec himself who made the choices that led him down this path; and he’s not sure that, even if he’d known early on, where they’d lead him, that he’d have done any different. All actions have consequences, it’s a matter of cause and reaction, causality, a basic law of the universe. He cannot even claim ignorance, that he didn’t know things would go a specific way. Granted, he might not have known that his choices would lead him to being put on trial on overstated charges; which would in turn end with him losing everything… It’s almost funny (in the way that nobody laughs) how long he fought his growing attraction to Magnus, worried about what might happen if people, if the Clave, if his parents, found out that he’s gay. The Clave actually would have been the least of his problems, all things told, as long as he could ensure there being heirs to his name (heirs of his blood) they wouldn’t really care what he got up to; didn’t mean other shadowhunters wouldn’t have given him trouble, wouldn’t have refused to work with him, perhaps even refused him back-up when he needed it most… shadowhunters in general rarely lived long lives, gay ones less so. But regardless, the Clave itself, officially, would have been the least of his problems. No, his parents, his mother especially, would have been the biggest problem. She’d have never forgiven him for ‘dishonoring the family’. He’s actually curious which would have been the biggest issue for her: Magnus being a warlock, being a man, or just him being Magnus. It’s not like Alec’s unaware how much his mother cannot stand Downworlders in general, warlocks specially, and Magnus in particular; much as she (and his father) might claim they’ve changed since leaving the Circle, their actions say otherwise.

He supposes it doesn’t matter, he’s lost everything anyway, and being gay had nothing to do with it, in the end.

There was actually no pain, not at the start. Which made the whole thing strange. He once read about third degree burns, and he wondered if that might be an apt comparison. A burn so deep (through at least two entire layers of skin) that it destroyed nerve endings. He wondered if deruning might be like that. A wound so deep he didn’t actually feel it. Or at least, he didn’t feel it as pain. There were other things he did feel though. Like how the loss of the strength rune made him feel weaker, somehow. Even if the rune might not have been active, it was still permanent. He’d read that permanent runes had a limited, constant effect on a nephilim’s body. Which meant that while he’d had that rune it had affected him; while deactivated he might not have been strong enough to fight most demons, but he’d certainly been stronger than a mundane. Yet no more. And then agility, surefootedness, balance, and so many others were gone as well. One by one, he lost them all.

They never actually touched his parabatai rune. Not that he thought it’d have made any difference. He wondered actually, if they might know, somehow, that while the rune might still be there, the bond no longer existed. He was actually half sure that it was slowly but surely fading, all on its own. The pain of that loss might have been entirely psychological, emotional, yet was still so very real.

By the time the last rune was taken away; the Angelic Power rune, he thought he heard some words about repenting, asking the Angel for mercy… Had he the energy for it he might have snorted. What mercy? He’d never stopped to consider it before, but in that moment he very much doubted the angels had any mercy, that they’d ever had it. No mercy, and no justice. If they did, he wouldn’t be in such an awful situation!

What did he ever do to deserve what was done to him?! He did everything they wanted! He upheld the Covenant! He followed the laws! He did everything his parents, everything the Clave wanted! And what for? They were throwing him away so easily, like he was worth nothing in their eyes, like he never had been. Poor little Alexander Lightwood, who gave everything he had, everything he was, getting nothing in return…

Had he’d any energy for it, he might have screamed.

The beating didn’t surprise him, not really. Of course Inquisitor Herondale, and whoever else had been with her had nothing to do with it (he had no doubt that they must have at the very least suggested that he ought to be ‘taught a lesson’ before he left). It was bad enough that he couldn’t actually stand by the end of it. Though he wasn’t sure if that was the beating, or the loss of everything that once made him a shadowhunter. How did mundanes exist?!

When the pain finally came to an end. It was almost worse. There was no pain, no cold. He was almost completely insensate. Made him half wonder if he might be dead already, he just hadn’t realized it yet. Only… well, he expected something different from death. Not necessarily the ‘promised paradise’, considering how merciless he was starting to believe the angels to be in truth. Maybe dark oblivion was closer to what he might expect of death, yet he didn’t get that either. No, just… numbness, emptiness.

It all changed suddenly, swiftly, in ways he’d have never expected, might never be able to name. All he could do in the end was… hope. The prospect was somehow even more terrifying than his earlier wait for the end. In the end he supposes that whatever comes next, whether life or death, it’s entirely out of his hands… not like that’s any different than how it’s always been!

His eyes blink open, slowly, and he’s only half-surprised that he’s getting such a chance. But it’s the truth. He’s still alive, awake, mostly without pain… well no, there’s actually a lot of pain still, but it’s so much less than what it was before, that he can almost convince himself it’s not there at all. Also, he’s far more focused on other things, like how exactly he’s alive in the first place, and just where he is…

He wonders what it all means. He’s alive, when the last time he had any sort of awareness he expected it to be the last, so sure he was about to die. He’s also, while not entirely recovered, certainly far more than he’d have imagined possible. He’s still weak, so very weak… yet it somehow feels less so than the last time. He wonders if it’s simply a matter of perception, that he noticed it more right after it happened or… he has no idea what to think!

The sound of a door opening pulls his attention instantly, and he turns just in time to come face to face with his savior. He smiles.

6 Comments:

debs
June 6, 2024 at 9:52 pm

wow the tension

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enigmaticblue
June 6, 2024 at 10:26 pm

Such an intriguing beginning! I can’t wait to see what happens next!

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TheFacelessWanderer
June 7, 2024 at 3:17 am

Interesting beginning. Loved characters self reflection in regards to Alec. Tears were shed in some parts. Looking forward to the next instalment.

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- Lalaith
  June 14, 2024 at 6:24 pm
  
  Hope the remainder of the series will have made the tears worth it.
  
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Rigger
June 10, 2024 at 10:32 pm

I appreciate the lens on his siblings’ selfishness. Yes, he probably has a point that he protected them a bit too much but it seems to have snowballed on him. But when he learns Magnus stole his stele knowing what they would do…..

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- Lalaith
  June 14, 2024 at 6:26 pm
  
  I never liked the way the faults of certain people were ignored. It’s pretty much what birthed this whole series.
  
  At the same time I tried really hard to express my feelings about Jace and Izzy, while at the same time not making them the bad guys. Hope you, and the rest of the readers, liked how it came out.
  
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Betrayed – 1/1 – Lalaith Quetzalli

Parabatai

Sister

Mother

Would-be-Wife

The Angels

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Lalaith

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Betrayed – 1/1 – Lalaith Quetzalli

Parabatai

Sister

Mother

Would-be-Wife

The Angels

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Like this:

Lalaith

6 Comments:

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