A Room Where I Don’t Belong – 2/2 – Jilly James

Reading Time: 101 Minutes

Title: A Room Where I Don’t Belong
Series: A Symptom of Being Human
Series Order: 3
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Contemporary, Drama, Family, Kid!fic, Pre-Relationship, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Tommy Kinard
Content Rating: R
Warnings: *No Mandatory Warnings Apply. Attempted Murder. Canon-typical: violence, situations, and angst. Discussions of: sexual assault, rape by coercion, and child abuse. Mild character bashing. Procedural inaccuracies
Author Note: Please see main series page for all author notes. Title is from lyrics from A Symptom of Being Human by Shinedown
Beta: Ladyholder
Word Count: 52,700
Summary: Life returns to its usual rhythm with Buck returning to work, but work itself brings new connections, information comes out into the open, and their world keeps changing.
Artist: Nightsong21133

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Chapter Six

Buck leaned back on the bed in Elaine’s guest room, doing late-night skin-to-skin with Charlie because it was helping both of them. They usually had a pretty strict schedule for that when it came to bedtime, but she’d been agitated, and it always calmed her down, and Dr. Grace said she couldn’t get too much, that she’d always let him know if she didn’t want it. But she’d cuddled right into him, making her funny little snuffly noises she only seemed to make when she was close to someone’s skin. Then she’d fallen asleep.

He needed to put her in the Pack’n’Play Elaine had set up for him, but he wasn’t quite ready to put her down. The horrible words from Coburn kept rattling around in his mind. But she’d be awake soon enough for a bottle, and he didn’t want to throw her completely off her schedule, so he gently swaddled her and then transferred her into the bassinet. It was a different model than the one he had, but since the bassinet was the only feature he cared about, it had everything he needed.

He then dialed Kanoa, who was waiting for Buck to call within the half hour.

“Hello, Buck,” he answered softly, without any pressure.

“Hi.”

“I’m going to avoid asking ridiculous questions where you might be tempted to be polite and give me false platitudes in response. So, why don’t you tell me what you think I should know?”

“I-I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay. What’s been the hardest part of the night for you? Something that was done or something that was said?”

“Said.”

“Isn’t that the way it so often is? Words are terrible, terrible weapons. Others can relay actions to me. They might even be able to relay the words, though I’ll admit, I’ve only heard broad brushstrokes of what occurred, but how we internalize the words others say can be deeply traumatic.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you feel like you can repeat what was said, or are you not ready for that?”

Buck hesitated, glancing over at Charlie. “She said she wished Marika had succeeded in drowning her daughter. I’m saying it nicer.”

“I see. That’s a very ugly sentiment. She’s saying she’d rather an innocent child die than her own misdeeds be brought to light. Very ugly and very narcissistic. Let me ask you something. We’re operating every day under the assumption that you will be adopting Charlotte. As you look forward to your life together, with her as your daughter growing up as Charlotte Buckley, what is your greatest fear for her due to her start in life?”

“That she has health issues due to the drowning. The most likely is some sort of cognitive delay due to oxygen deprivation. They’ve mentioned the possibility of acquired Cerebral Palsy, which they’ll have to monitor her for over the next couple of years.”

“Okay. And if those fears should be realized, would you love Charlotte less?”

“Of course not!” Buck hissed.

“Does her life have less value?”

“What?!”

“Answer the question, please,” he pressed in his calm, measured tone.

“Of course it doesn’t have less value.”

“Does her being unwanted by her biological mother make her less worthy in life?”

“No!” Buck snapped, barely remembering to keep his voice low.

“Remember those answers, Evan. Your opinions are what matter. Will’s opinions matter. Devon, Marcus, Mari, Elaine… The many people who already love Charlotte, regardless of what issues she may face due to her rough start. The opinions of Danielle Coburn are ugly but utterly irrelevant for any purpose other than her criminal trial. Don’t allow her to live rent-free in your head. She doesn’t deserve Charlie’s space.”

Buck sat back heavily, eyes feeling hot and wet. “I love her so freaking much, and it was like being gutted to hear someone say something so cruel.”

“It’s human, it’s understandable, and it’s entirely paternal. One of the great lessons parents must learn is that people will sometimes say terrible things about your children, but for the sake of your child, you must retain your composure as much as possible. I’ve rarely heard something quite so ugly, but the point remains that none of those things are true, and in this moment, Charlotte is loved. And Danielle Coburn is in custody, whether she’s physically in jail or not.

“We weren’t planning to meet until next week, but we are absolutely meeting on Friday. So, how is 5:30 in the evening? Or if you think you’re comfortable coming to my house for the after-hours session, we could meet at 7. You’re welcome to bring Charlotte. I live half a mile from you.”

Buck couldn’t help but laugh. “You want to meet her.”

“Of course I do, but I won’t actually press. I will be doing a lot of evening and weekend appointments, catching up on Melvin’s patient load, so it’s certainly easier to take some at my house.”

“Now that I know you’re that close to my place, I’d rather do them all there because the location of your office sucks.”

Kanoa laughed. “Deal. I have a few regulars I work into the spots I do at my home office, and I’ll happily do so with you. Gives us the opportunity to walk and talk if you’re amenable, since I’m by the park. Some people do better in nature. We can give it a try if you want.”

“That sounds good. I’ll see you Friday, then.”

“Text me tomorrow and let me know how you’re doing, especially if you decide to keep the meeting with the union rep. Are you keeping it?”

“I think so? Maybe I shouldn’t, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s all that compared to…this.”

“Don’t comparative pain yourself out of having a normal reaction to meeting the union representative. If you need to put that off, do so. But whether you go or not, please let me know how you’re doing. The message I received earlier indicated you were somewhat disassociated from reality, so I feel like I need to keep tabs.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone try to kill me before,” Buck admitted. “I just sort of zoned out, but I feel all here now.”

“You seem present and do try to stay that way. I’m going to send you some links on grounding exercises. Basic things to keep you in the present and help you feel connected to reality. There are several types. You don’t need to do them all, just try them out and see what feels like it works best for you.”

“Will do.”

“And lean on your friends. I truly believe they want to help you. No one is an island. You need them, and your daughter needs you and them.”

“I hear you, Doc.”

Kanoa chuckled. “Speaking of. I’m also sending you a list of good general practitioners for yourself. It’s practically criminal that you don’t have a physician I can consult with if I need to.”

Buck couldn’t help but laugh. “My god, I’m turning into a whole adult over here.”

“Good night, Evan.”

“Good night, Kanoa.”

~*~

Tommy Kinard flashed across the display on Buck’s phone as he was finishing diapering Charlie after her late-morning bottle. He activated his headset and began the process of wiggling her into her onesie. He’d picked a pale blue one with snowflakes on it because it was wholly inappropriate for LA and amused him. They’d been doing skin-to-skin all morning, so she was just now getting her clean onesie.

“Hey, Tommy. What’s up?”

“Hey. Wondering how you felt about getting coffee?”

Buck blew out a breath and stared down at Charlie, tickling her belly and getting a little grin. He knew it was something called a reflex smile, but it still delighted him that she was starting to make more facial expressions. Her reflex smiles were usually while she was sleeping or while her tummy was being rubbed.

“If it’s a bad time…”

“No, it’s not. It’d be good to get out, but I’ll have a tag along you’ll have to meet.”

“Oh?”

“You’ll see.”

“More mystery, eh?”

“Something like that.”

“Listen, you were right about Mullens and when he was injured. Brooks is fit to be tied over it. He’s getting an official statement from Rome over what happened, but Rome was trying to emulate Massey’s technique, even though Massey doesn’t officially teach those particular knots, and that’s why he fell.”

Buck swore under his breath and lifted Charlie to his shoulder, patting her gently on the back. “Hopefully, they won’t let Massey pass on any more bad habits.”

“I’m sure they won’t. They’re going to do their best to keep the instructor they’re getting in, but they might hit you up to split the load for a while. Never know. Anyway, wanted to get the work crazy out of the way. When did you want to meet?”

“I’m available. I have plans this evening.”

“Something fun?”

“Meeting with the union.”

“Un-fun, then. Gotcha. I’m not doing anything at the moment. Where’s good for you?”

“I live basically in Los Feliz, but I stayed at a friend’s place last night because we had some drama at home, and their house is on the other side of UCLA.”

“Mm. Maybe something south of the university, then? There’s a great coffee bar in Westwood Village that’s not too much of a drive for me. Actually, it’s not a midway spot between your two points, but it’s on the way home for you. I used to go there all the time, but I moved to be closer to Harbor when I bought my house, and it’s not quite as close anymore, so I don’t get over there as often as I’d like.”

“Oh, are you talking about Rosa’s Coffee Bar?”

“Yes!”

“God, I love that place. Sold and sold.”

“Can I ask a question, though?”

“Sure.”

“Were you playing a pronoun game just now when you said, ‘their house’?”

Buck blinked. “Oh no. Literally two people. Married couple. They have a couple of kids too, but the kids are at university.”

“Okay, just checking. Because I didn’t want you to feel like you had to skirt around pronouns or anything.”

“I don’t, and I wouldn’t. Thanks, though.” He checked his mapping app. “If I leave in five, I should be there in about twenty minutes, I think. That work for you?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

“Looking forward to it. If you get there ahead of me and grab an outdoor table, would you grab one with shade?”

“Yeah, sure.”

~*~

Tommy was already there when Buck arrived, reading something on his phone, and he had a nice table under the big tree at the corner. He glanced up just in time to smile warmly at Buck, and then his eyes went wide when he caught sight of Charlie in the wrap on Buck’s chest. The diaper bag was in the car seat, which he was swinging in his hand.

Tommy blinked furiously as Buck sat down. “That is definitely a surprise.”

“She was a little cranky when I woke her up getting her out of the car, so as soon as she stops rubbing her face like that against my sternum, I’ll know she’s no longer quite so vexed and I’ll introduce you.”

“She’s yours, then? Sorry, that probably came across really rude, but neither Hen nor Howie mentioned you having a kid.”

Buck just smiled and rubbed his hand over Charlie’s back. “I’m adopting her, and they don’t know about it. At least, not yet, and I’m not sure when. She’s the baby we rescued from the pipe on January first.”

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up. “You sure do like a challenge, I guess.” He shook his head. “Well, no one is going to hear about it from me.” He scooted his chair close enough that they were practically touching, so he could peer at Charlie’s face. “Hey, there, sweet pea. I am really glad to see you’re doing so well. Seems like you got yourself a good one in your dad here.”

Buck was weirdly charmed that Tommy had called her ‘sweet pea.’

She stopped rubbing her face and peered at Tommy, tracking him with one eye, then shoved her fist against her mouth.

Buck sighed. “You are always hungry.”

“Evan Buckley!”

“Hello, Mama Rosa,” Buck said without looking up from Charlie.

“Where have you been, young man?”

She came around his chair and blinked in shock at Charlie.

“I’m adopting…?”

Rosa clapped her hands. “Wonderful! You’ll be a delightful father. So good with all the children. What is the little one’s name?”

“Charlotte.”

“Aw.”

Buck finally finished pulling out one of the premade bottles.

“Do you want me to run it under some warm water for you?”

“If you don’t mind…?”

“Of course not. And I’ll get you your usual. What about your boyfriend here?”

Buck grinned. “I’m not sure about his coffee order, yet, but I’d normally get new people a flat white and hope for the best, but he probably likes a dry cappuccino or something.”

Tommy blinked several times. “Dry cappuccino is actually correct.”

“Man, I always say that and that’s never it.”

Tommy’s grin grew into a full-on smile. “I guess you’ve just been waiting for me.”

Buck felt his cheeks flush.

“You boys are so cute. I’ll be right back.”

Buck busied himself with freeing Charlie from the wrap, so his flush could die down.

“It’s okay if this is a date?” Tommy asked softly.

Buck hesitated, then nodded. “As long as it’s okay if we go really slow because my life has gotten super complicated lately, and I’m a little more of a mess than I used to be.”

“You seem like you’re doing okay to me.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s easy to understand why you wouldn’t call Abby back last night, though.”

“Abby.” Buck blinked. “Abby who?”

“Abby Clark? I mean, what are the odds we know the same person, but she was mentioning she knows a firefighter named Buck at the 118, my old house, who hadn’t responded to her messages, and I know you well enough, even after only half a shift, to know you’d have had a good reason.”

“Actually, I blocked Abby a while ago. She should have taken me out of her phone book.”

Tommy winced. “I didn’t mean to step in it with that. It was out of the blue that she got in touch with me, and— I don’t know. It was weird we had that point of connection. I thought it might be a common source of complaint so I could awkwardly flirt or something, but if you blocked her, I think she didn’t tell me something.”

“What happened last night?”

“Her mom disappeared yesterday. Just walked right out of the house.”

“Ah. That’s what Elaine and Carla were whispering on the phone about but not telling me.”

“Pardon?”

“Layers of connection. My nanny’s sister-in-law is Patricia Clark’s home healthcare aid.”

“Wow. Small world. Even smaller world. Abby and I used to date.”

Buck blinked even as he shifted Charlie around, who had begun mouthing more determinedly at her fist and making little discontented noises. “Are firefighters her type or something? Because you said you were gay, not bisexual. I don’t have a problem with bisexual people, I am one, but I think there’s a bit of a difference.”

“I was trying really hard not to come out. Abby was my last attempt at fitting into the mold I thought I was supposed to be in. I felt bad for using her, which is why I even responded to her text, I think, but she admitted she knew all along I was gay, so it is what it is.”

Buck made a face just as Rosa showed up with two coffees in ceramic cups and a huge plate of pastries, plus one warmed baby bottle. He sighed at the huge plate of pastries. “Rosa.”

She kissed both of his cheeks. “I’ll be back later to hold the little one!”

He checked the temp and then set to feeding Charlie, who latched on like she’d never eaten before. “I fed you two hours ago, you little milk monster.”

“What’d you get?” Tommy nodded to the tall mug in front of Buck, while his own was shorter with a wide top.

“Spiced latte. I only get them here because Rosa does the spice blend and won’t tell anyone what’s in it.”

“Yeah, I’ve had it. Drives me crazy how good they are, so I stopped having them entirely.”

Buck laughed, then sobered. “Sorry you and Abby were in a cycle of not being great for one another. Did Patricia get home okay?”

“Yeah. Abby blasted to everyone in her address book that Patricia was missing and to please help. I didn’t even see it at first because I was at a basketball game, and when I did see it, I ignored it because I assumed she’d gotten help. Then she called me personally, so I went over and helped her search, and called some contacts at the LAPD. They got her home. She was just really irate that you were ignoring her.”

Buck gave an unamused laugh. “I was feeling my way through trying to have an actual relationship for the first time since I was in Colorado, and I really didn’t want to make any missteps with Abby. And then the little miss came into my life. If Abby had just been a friend with benefits thing, or a one-night stand, it wouldn’t have mattered, but I suddenly realized if I wanted a real relationship, I needed to sound her out about expectations about kids and stuff.”

“Ah. Abby doesn’t want children.”

“Right. And I just decided to be blunt and say that having children was important to me, so I didn’t see a lot of long-term relationship potential for us, but I really liked talking to her and hoped she saw potential in us being friends.” He pulled out his phone, managing to get the notes app open without disrupting Charlie’s snack. “And I wrote this down verbatim because I didn’t want to forget it. I know she was angry and hurt, but she went a little overboard. ‘I’m not looking for a buddy, Buck. I have friends that I have actual things in common with. I was just looking for a distraction, looking to scratch an itch. So, get over yourself. Not every woman who wants to ride your dick thinks you’re Mr. Forever. You’d have to grow up a hell of a lot for that.’”

He left his phone on the table, so he could focus on his kid.

“Well, I think I’m going to have to block her too.”

Buck snorted.

“I mean, Patricia deserved my help for sure, but Abby’s always been cutting when she feels cornered or something. But that was definitely hitting below the belt. I’m really sorry.”

Buck glanced up to find a look of profound sympathy on Tommy’s face. “I’ll give your number to Carla and tell her that if Patricia ever needs anything, she should call you.”

Tommy laughed.

“Does Carla know what Abby said?”

“Yeah. She was there and heard Abby’s half of the conversation. Apparently gave her a not-so-professional dressing down. She said Abby could have easily fired her over the way she raked her over the coals, but she said Abby was contrite and admitted she’d crossed the line, and begged Carla not to leave because of the shitty way she’d spoken. Carla stays for Patricia and to keep Abby from getting stuck in her head, I think. I don’t know. I just blocked her and moved on. I’ve seen Carla a couple of times in passing, and I really like her, but our firm boundary is that we don’t talk about Abby.

“Though I would have still helped Patricia, and Carla knows she could have called me for that, but um…” Buck blew out a breath. “There was a whole thing last night.”

“Yeah, you said there was some drama at your house…?”

“It sounds so melodramatic when I say it, but considering the official charges, as I found out on the way here, are attempted murder, it apparently isn’t hyperbole to say someone tried to kill me last night. So, there’s no way Carla would have called me last night.”

Tommy’s eyes went wide. “I think you’re going to need to roll that back a little and start at some point that makes actual sense.”

~*~

The coffee went into round three and entirely too many pastries. Charlie had a diaper change and a second bottle. Tommy fed her and seemed utterly charmed.

It was good. It was easy.

Then Tommy was walking Buck to his SUV. “Can we do this again?”

Buck nodded.

Tommy grazed Buck’s jaw with calloused fingertips. “I wasn’t sure what your definition of slow was.”

“I’m not sure how to do any of this around a baby, you know? And as much as I’d like to prioritize a partner, I can only prioritize Charlie’s adoption. So…I don’t want to make a plan and be prescriptive because this was so easy, and it felt good. I really like you, so I don’t know how to answer.”

“So, how about we keep making sure it’s easy. Coffee, dinner. Bring Charlie. When you’re ready, don’t bring Charlie. We can figure it out.”

“Okay. That sounds good.”

“I think I’ll definitely plan on kissing you next time.”

Buck smiled. “Promise?”

“It’s my solemn vow,” Tommy said with a grin as he took a step back.

Buck laughed. “Thanks for this, Tommy. I needed to just chill out today and have fun.”

“Yeah, you did.” He backed up a little more. “Can I call you ‘Evan’?”

“Yes.”

“Then, I’ll talk to you soon, Evan.”

With a happy flutter in his stomach, Buck turned to put Charlie’s seat on the base in the back of the car, getting her securely settled. When he stood up and closed the rear door, Tommy was walking back toward him, expression determined.

Before Buck could say anything, Tommy was in his space, tipping his chin up with two fingers. “It’s next time.” Then his lips were on Buck’s. It was brief—firm press of lips, the pressure of Tommy’s fingers, a quick glide of tongue—and then it was over.

“Wow,” Buck breathed.

“That okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you thinking?”

“That’s my best first kiss ever.”

Tommy grinned. “I couldn’t walk away without kissing you. I’d regret it, and I don’t want to keep regretting things.”

Buck grabbed him by the front of the shirt and pulled him in for another, longer press of mouths. “Go away, Tommy Kinard, before I regret that I have plans for the rest of the day.”

Tommy backed up with a grin and an eyebrow wiggle. “I’ll call you. Possibly some sexting too.”

“My life just got a hundred percent better.” Buck settled in the front seat of the KIA and noticed he had a couple of missed calls from the same LA-based number, but no voicemail.

He started the car and made sure the air was running to keep the temperature in the low 70s and the doors locked before he dialed the number.

“Athena Grant, speaking.”

Buck groaned inwardly, feeling some of the amazing glow from his afternoon start to fade. “Sergeant Grant, this is Firefighter Buckley. You called my number a couple of times but didn’t leave a voicemail?”

“Yes, I’m not working today, so I was hoping to catch you for a conversation rather than leave a voicemail. I had a rather vague chat with my captain about you and an old case. She said I needed to revisit it and my, and I quote, poor conclusions about that case. And after that, I should get in touch with you. Care to tell me why?”

“Not if this is going to be confrontational, Sergeant,” Buck snapped. “Considering the CPS case worker from that incident tried to kill me last night, I honestly don’t owe you a conversation. Figure it out.” He hung up and almost immediately regretted it. He also regretted how all his good feelings about the day had vanished.

His phone immediately began to vibrate with an incoming call. He didn’t want to answer it, but he figured avoiding Grant would lead to her going to Bobby. Frustrated with himself, he answered the phone.

“Buckley.”

“Okay, we need to start over. I apologize, all right.”

Buck wasn’t sure what to say to that. “All right.”

She sighed. “Can we talk?”

“We are talking.”

“Okay. Are you hurt?”

“No. She was shot twice by police officers before she was able to stab me.”

“I see.” There was a pause. “Well, no, I don’t, actually, but I’d truly like to understand what’s going on. My captain thinks it’s important, and I don’t want to have missed something vital here. It would certainly be easier to do this in person. I’m home with my daughter right now and can’t leave, but I can meet you tonight or sometime tomorrow…?”

“I have an appointment tonight, and I’m teaching at the Academy tomorrow.”

“You’re a probationary firefighter.”

“I have credentials through FEMA that allow me to teach certain Search and Rescue courses if necessary.”

“I wasn’t aware of that.”

“Why would you be?” Buck sighed. “Look, my condition on chatting is that, for now, it does not get back to anyone at the 118. I know you’re friends with at least Hen, but I’ve chosen for reasons of my own not to discuss this with my coworkers.” At least, not all of them.

“Certainly. I don’t discuss most of my cases with my friends,” she said gently.

“We’re out right now. I just had coffee with a friend at Rosa’s Coffee Bar, but we’ll probably have to arrange a time you can come to me, because otherwise I have to arrange childcare for my daughter.”

“Your…daughter,” she repeated flatly.

“Charlotte. The little girl we pulled out of that pipe on January 1st. I’m adopting her.”

Grant sucked in a sharp breath. “Rosa’s is maybe ten minutes from me. I literally cannot leave my house right now, but can you come to me so we can talk?”

Buck checked the time, considering where he had to be when. His afternoon was still pretty loose. “Okay.”

~*~

Sergeant Grant opened the door to her very nice house, dressed in loose slacks and a flowing blouse, looking nothing like the stern police officer he was used to.

Buck still had Charlie in the carrier, and she was zonked.

Grant’s eyes went right to Charlie, and she gently smiled, stepping back to gesture him in. “Welcome.” As she showed him into the living room, she offered him some tea, which he accepted, and said, “My daughter, May, has promised to come out and be sociable for a time.” She moved a little closer, whispering, “To go no further than this room, May recently tried to take her own life with pills due to bullying at school. She’s doing better, but we’re not leaving her home alone. This is her first day at home, and part of her safety plan is that she not be unsupervised for a few days.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that. Kids can be terrible to one another, and I’m learning that we’re often very poorly equipped to handle life.”

“You’re not doing too badly, I don’t think.” She offered him a wan smile. “Now, let me meet the little one.”

Buck set the carrier down and got Charlie out, who blinked at him with a scrunched-up nose. “This is Charlotte, hopefully to some day soon be Charlotte Buckley.”

Sergeant Grant gently touched her cheek. “Hello, darling Charlotte. Little miracle baby.”

“Do you want to hold her?”

“If that’s all right…?”

Buck handed her off to Grant, who took her with ease, her expression morphing into genuine joy.

“What a precious gift. I’d truly love the whole story of how we got here because this is certainly not where I expected us to be after that call a month ago.”

“No, I guess not.”

Grant rocked Charlie from side to side, talking to her softly, while Buck looked around the room at the various family photos and small mementos of academic achievement.

Then they both sat, with Buck in the chair in Grant sitting on the couch.

Before anything could be said, a door down the hall opened, and a teenage girl made an appearance. She came to almost a comical stop, eyes wide when she saw Charlie. “You brought a baby?”

“This is my daughter Charlotte.” Buck got to his feet, offering his hand. “Evan Buckley.”

May rubbed her hand on the side of her pants, as if wiping something away. Probably nerves. “May Grant. Pleasure to meet you.” Her gaze flicked back to Charlie, and she bounced on her toes a little. “Can I hold her?” she asked hopefully.

Buck smiled. “Sure.”

May sat eagerly next to her mother and nodded along as Grant offered a few tips about holding a baby so young.

“May has done a fair bit of babysitting, but I think three months is about the youngest.”

“She’s so cute,” May gushed.

“Her personality consists of feed me and change my diaper,” Buck said with a smile. “She’s not quite old enough to smile for real yet, but she’ll reflex smile when she sleeps and when you put a hand on her belly.”

May tried it and smiled when Charlie’s expression shifted, though her smile was sort of soft and sad.

“You okay?” Buck asked.

“Babies are very simple, aren’t they?”

“Mostly, yeah. Charlie had a rough start in life, and that’s how she came to be in my custody. I love her with my whole heart, though.”

May nodded, gaze fixed on Charlie. “Do you already worry about things like what happens when she goes to school and when she makes friends?”

“I’m finding time to worry about all of it. When she has her first crush, when she meets her first mean girl, how I’ll respond if she is a mean girl, what I’ll say when she has her heart broken. It’s a lot to think about. They act like new parents are sleep deprived because of feeding schedules, but I think it’s worrying about all the ‘what-if’ moments heading for your kids.”

May pulled Charlie a little closer and side-eyed Buck a little. “Did Mom tell you about me?”

“She said you’d had a rough time of it lately, so she needed to stay home with you, which is why I came here to talk to her about the case involving Charlie.”

May frowned. “Case involving Charlie?”

“Her biological mother didn’t want her, which is why I’m adopting her. Sergeant Grant—”

“Athena,” she corrected softly but firmly.

“Athena,” Buck conceded, “was there the day I met Charlie, so I was just following up on the case with her.”

“Oh. Her mom didn’t want her?”

Athena reached out and touched May’s knee. “Honey… Charlotte’s mother is younger than you. She’s making the best choices she can, I think.”

May’s expression was stricken.

Buck offered, “Charlie’s mom wants her to have a better life than she could provide for her, but I think she also wanted a normal life for herself. And that’s okay. I love Charlie very much, and everyone is better off with this outcome.”

“I feel like there are things you’re not saying, but that’s okay.” May gently stroked Charlie’s cheek. “She’s beautiful, and that she’s happy and loved is all that matters.”

Athena squeezed May’s arm. “That’s all any parent wants for their child.”

May glanced away. “Did Mom mention the bully?”

“You have a bully at school?” Buck clarified for May’s benefit.

May nodded tightly.

“I mean, it doesn’t surprise me.”

May and Athena both shot him an incredulous look.

“What? I think I’m closer to high school than your mom, so I remember what it was like. You’re pretty, well-spoken, intelligent, and based on the stuff on the walls, academically gifted, and probably good with kids, puppies, and the elderly. Your teachers probably even like you.”

May blinked at him.

Buck shrugged. “If you’re half as ideal as it looks on paper, of course you’re being targeted by some mean girl, and it was probably over some popularity thing or over a boy.”

May’s mouth dropped open.

“I hate to say it, but teenagers are painfully predictable. The thing is, you’re only an obvious target because petty, small-minded people always lash out at the people they envy. The people they wish they could be like, but they know deep down inside they’re just shallow imitations of. At best. What was that thing about tall poppies?”

“Tall poppies?” May echoed.

Buck pulled out his phone. “I’m not going to get it anywhere near right, but it’s something about how people will love a band until they’re popular, and then they get mad when everyone else starts to like them.”

“What in the world does that have to do with May?” Athena asked, sounding bewildered.

“Seriously, let me find the video. It explains it better.” After a moment, he said, “Hm, I’m not finding the video where the girl uses the band as a metaphor for Tall Poppy Syndrome, but it’s apparently a commonly used term in the Commonwealth, and is a well-known social phenomenon. Here. This is a just a minute a half, but it explains it.” He let Athena and May listen to the brief summation of Tall Poppy Syndrome, which left May with tears in her eyes.

“And you think this applies to me?”

“I think you’re at that age where you’re coming into your own, standing out from the crowd in ways that have nothing to do with the shallow sh-um-stuff that is valued here in Los Angeles, and she was probably trying to find a way to cut you down. I certainly don’t know everything that was said or done, but I see a very tall poppy. And whatever’s happened, I believe you’ll get through it.”

She offered him a small but sincere smile. “Thanks.” Then she hesitated. “Do you think it’s cowardly to want to change schools?”

“Hell no, I’d have changed schools every week to stay away from my high school bully if that’s what was needed.”

She plucked at the seam of her sweatpants. “I just wonder if I shouldn’t be facing her.”

“That’s a lot to ask. I think only you can say if that’s something that would be cathartic for you, but I personally think high school is hard enough.”

She laughed.

Buck fished a card out of his pocket and passed it to Athena. “I have housemates who volunteer at a no-kill shelter on the weekends. They’re having a big adoption even this weekend, so if you’re interested in helping some animals, getting a little dirty, and probably helping people fill out adoption forms properly the second time when they could have filled them out properly the first time if they’d bothered to read, your family would be welcome. Just give me a heads up so I can let Isaac and Haley know to expect you.”

“They’re firefighters too?” Athena asked, looking at the card.

Buck always carried a couple of the shelter’s cards to pass out in case people were looking for pets. “No, they’re both nursing students. Close to graduation, actually, so I guess they’ll be nurses soon.”

May shot a hopeful look at Athena. “That’d be nice, Mom.”

“Then we’ll try to make it happen, baby.”

“May,” Buck asked, “would you be good to take care of Charlie for a few minutes to give me time to talk to your mom? There were some legal shenanigans at my house last night that I need to update her on. Charlie can stay with us, of course, but I’m not supposed to discuss the case openly.”

“Oh, I’d be happy to take her.” She glanced out back. “Can we go out on the patio? I promise, nowhere near the pool.”

“Sure. Take the diaper bag with you. There’s a sun blanket in there if you need it.”

“Sweet!”

As soon as the sliding glass door closed, Athena reached out and squeezed his arm. “Thank you for so much of that. It’s the first time she’s laughed or shown interest in being outside or… I just can’t tell you.”

“It’s no trouble. Sometimes we all need help getting outside of our heads.”

“I really misjudged you.”

“Maybe I misjudged you too.”

She nodded. “How about we start over?”

“I’d like that.”

“Wonderful. I’m Athena Grant. Feel free to call me Athena in any non-professional circumstance.”

“Evan Buckley. Buck is great.”

She smiled. “And how about we start at square one with your miracle baby and you step me through what happened right up to last night?”

~*~

They’d moved to the kitchen table by the time the story was over, and Athena was cooking, which was apparently something she did when she was stressed. Finally, she passed a plate of little disks of sweet potatoes pan-fried in garlic and olive oil. The sweet, savory, and salty was amazing.

“I love these,” Buck mumbled, trying not to just stuff his face.

She smiled, though it was a little brittle. “I’ll make them for you anytime, baby.” Then she slid into the seat next to him and squeezed his hand. “I am so sorry for the things I had absolutely nothing to do with, for the pain that poor baby has endured, but also I apologize for my own wrongs. You were right to say we shouldn’t have transported them together.”

Buck swallowed heavily. “Thank you for saying that.”

“When this is all settled, and everyone knows, you, me, and Bobby are going to sit down and have a long talk about what happened and why. We’re going to talk about why procedures exist and how this could have gone wrong, and why he and I should have listened. What is the worst you could have imagined from that ambulance ride?”

“Marika could have snapped Charlie’s neck before we could have done a thing about it,” Buck said softly.

Athena dropped her head. “And she very well could have. Those poor children. The system utterly failed them. Our focus has to be on Charlotte, but I can’t help but feel this aching grief at how utterly screwed over Marika was.”

“I know,” Buck said gently. “The system came into her life when she was thirteen. Coburn was too drunk to do her job, and someone at CPS was enabling her. I don’t—” Buck sighed. “I don’t want to take out my frustration on a whole department that works too hard as it is, but Coburn didn’t do this alone, and I have no faith that whoever was covering for her isn’t going to keep making the same mistake. Hell, are they still doing it? Are they looking into Coburn’s other mistakes, or are they just covering it all up and hoping another Marika doesn’t rise to the surface?”

Athena nodded. “And when I’m sorted with May, and things are a little easier, I promise I’ll talk to Captain Maynard and we’ll be digging into this. It’s not our job to investigate CPS, but it’s someone’s, and I promise we’ll figure out who.”

Buck smiled gently. “Okay.”

“Thanks for giving me a chance on a do-over,” Athena said.

“I absolutely would say the same.”

“And please ask your friends if the whole family can come to the shelter this weekend—four of us. I think it will be good for all of us. Is there a better day?”

“Saturday is more chaotic because it’s the first day, but there are more actual adoptions on Sunday as paperwork gets finalized. I have a shift on Saturday, so I’ll be dropping by at some point on Sunday, and so will all the other housemates. I think Isaac and Haley will be there both days because it’s the shelter’s big event this quarter.”

She nodded. “I’ll check with Michael, and we’ll text you to let you know which day.”

“Your son is a little younger…?”

“He’s almost eight.”

“Early on Sundays, they have a junior dog walkers program to train kids how to walk the little dogs. Like puppies and friendly small dogs. Mostly dogs that are walked in the shelter’s courtyard, but it still requires training so the walkers know how to handle a dog on a leash, and all that business. If he might be interested.”

“And May?”

“May seems very personable…? They’ll probably partner her with one of the adoption coordinators and have her shadow them, would be my guess. Which would get her familiar with the whole operation. One of the nice things about partnering with an adoption coordinator is that she’ll get to interact with a lot of different animals. You and your husband would probably just be put to work. Sorry.”

She laughed. “As long as my kids smile, I’ll clean out kennels.”

Chapter Seven

There was still crime-scene tape across the porch, which made him grimace, but he’d been told by Will he could enter from the rear of the house, so he went through the back gate and then tapped in the entry code on the rear door.

To his surprise, he found almost everyone in the big communal living room, including DeKay and a woman he didn’t know. DeKay was stuffing his face with chili cheese Fritos, and the stranger was holding Charlie, deftly feeding her and cooing about her cuteness.

Isaac, Haley, and Jones were sprawled out on one couch. DeKay, Will, and Pat, who was another legal intern like Will, were on another, and the woman had one of the armchairs.

They were all watching some baking competition.

“This is absolutely surreal,” he commented idly.

“Buck!” Devon said cheerily.

Buck couldn’t help but smile, then he looked at Will. “Thanks for picking her up from Athena’s.” With how long his visit with Athena had gone, he hadn’t had time to get home, so Will had picked Charlie up so that Buck could head straight to his meeting with the union guy from Valley Bureau and Noah Haney.

“Am I her godfather?” Will challenged.

“Yeah.”

“Then shut up.”

Buck laughed and held up his hands in a surrender gesture. He smiled at the newcomer. “I’d offer my hand, but yours are occupied. I’m Evan Buckley.”

“Clara DeKay, Mr. Buckley. And you have a lovely daughter.”

“Thank you. Please call me Buck. I’m guessing you have this terrible, no good, chili cheese Fritos stealing guy for a kid?”

“Clara, then. And, yes, I instilled good taste and poor manners in my son.” She smiled at him. “They apparently had the property damage repaired early, and he wanted to move down here sooner. I know I’m a helicopter parent, but I wanted to see where he’d be living. Especially after…” She wrinkled up her nose.

“The reason why we’re not entering through the front door?” Buck offered.

“Yes, well, other people’s poor choices are hardly anyone else’s fault, but this is a lovely area, and I’m so pleased Marcus has found such nice people to live with. I do wish I’d been able to meet everyone, but Pat assures me the others are very busy and aren’t around much.”

Will added, “Two are in their medical residency. It’s not uncommon to go weeks without seeing them. If it wasn’t for them occasionally entering and exiting, I wouldn’t know they still lived here. And the last roommate is still in school and works full-time. Between the two, they’re also almost never here. Spends more time at school than here.”

Jones was giving Buck a thorough once-over. “You good, man?”

“Tired. I could use a shower before I start Charlie’s bedtime routine. Can I leave her with you two while you watch… Ace of Cakes or whatever this is, while I take a shower?”

“Yeah, of course,” Will assured. “Go.”

“Thanks.”

As soon as Buck was in his room, he gave in to self-indulgence and pulled out his phone.

Buck: This day is determined to harsh my whole mood. But I wanted you to know you’ve been on my mind and I had a great time today.

He immediately got a response.

Tommy: If I wasn’t out with the team I’d call and find out why your day went south but text will have to do. Been thinking about you too and coffee with you was perfect. Your kid is adorable.

Buck smiled.

Buck: You know the perfect thing to say.

Tommy: Not usually but I’ll take the win.

Buck: Can I call you tomorrow after the Academy session is done?

Tommy: Can I see you after the Academy session is done? I know you have a shift on Thursday. I do too. I can bring takeout, we can eat on the floor if we need to. You can ignore me in favor of the cutest little sweet pea ever to exist and I’ll be okay.

He didn’t even have to think about that too hard.

Buck: Thai. 7 PM.

Tommy: It’s a date!

Buck: Yes it is. Nothing too spicy because I expect kisses and I want to be able to feel my mouth.

Tommy: Now I’m absolutely distracted and I’m going to lose this round of trivia.

Buck: I didn’t do anything!

Tommy: Just thinking about kissing you is distracting enough. Goodnight, Evan.

Buck: Goodnight Tommy.

Smiling, he tucked his phone away and headed for the shower.

When he was clean and somewhat restored to sanity, he found Devon and Will in his living room. Will was on the sofa, and Devon was in the glider rocker, which he dwarfed absurdly. Buck was right at the edge of being the right size to fit it, and Devon had a couple of inches in height and was a little broader was well.

He blinked a few times, not sure what to say. “You’re both poised like this is an intervention.”

“I need to know if you’re okay,” Will said.

“And I followed him because something seemed off. Marcus would have come too, but if we all ran away, Clara would be suspicious as hell.” His expression softened fractionally. “You don’t have to tell me, man, but you know we’re here for you if you need it.”

Buck got himself a bottled smoothie from the fridge because he was too tired for anything else. “You guys want anything?”

They both declined, and Will pressed, “Are you okay?”

Buck flopped on the sofa next to Will. “No.” He dragged his hands through his hair, knowing he was causing the barely tamed curls to stand on end. “I feel like I’m running on the edge and I’m about to fall off.”

“Buck…” Will said gently, then stalled out for a bit. “You know we’ll help. Whatever you need. If you need a few more days off work or nanny care when you’re at home. We just gotta figure out how to get through this.”

“I just wanted to put it behind me, you know? Do therapy, talk it out, try not to think about it.” He picked at the label on his smoothie, then cracked the seal on the cap and took a large swallow of the mango-based concoction. He then looked to Devon, who was trying to hide his clear confusion. “Remember the kid on the roller coaster?” Jones had ridden with the truck squad on that rescue because so many people needed to be retrieved.

“Yeah, of course. That was a shitty day all the way around.”

“You know I took it hard, and Bobby was threatening mandatory counseling. He said if I went on my own, it wouldn’t have to go in my file.”

Jones nodded his head. “Always better to go on your own and then take it with good grace when the department sends you. Shows you’re good about keeping your mental landscape in good shape.”

Buck nodded. “I don’t disagree in principle. I’ve met a few therapists since who were good.” He took another drink of the smoothie. “She’d friended me on Facebook ahead of the session, though I didn’t connect it to my new therapist until I saw her in person.”

His expression was a little stiff. “A department therapist friended you on social media? Why?”

“I was so used to women coming on to me that it didn’t click with me for a long time how off it was that she…” He trailed off, not sure how to continue. He cleared his throat. “She eventually climbed onto my lap, took a ride, said I was cured of whatever, and if the department had any issues with my performance, they were welcome to send me back for a repeat evaluation.”

Other than wide eyes and pinched lines around his mouth, Devon’s expression was now blank. “Your therapist had sex with you? Did you tell Bobby?”

Buck shook his head. “I mean, everyone thinks I’m a slut. What was I supposed to say? Anyway, I was having an increasingly difficult time with it, so when the Charlie thing happened, my lawyer wanted me to have a clean mental health check in case the adoption was challenged in any way, and I was not enthusiastic about going to therapy again.

“So, the whole thing about Dr. Welles came out. Mari got one of her partners on it, and he and some of their investigators have been digging, and there were indications that this wasn’t an isolated occurrence for her. Tonight, I was meeting with a union rep from the Valley Bureau who had met on the QT with my attorney, Noah. He said they’ve filed complaints about Dr. Welles before, and they go nowhere. He’s not sure if they’re just not getting filed with HQ or if they’re getting buried, dismissed, or what.

“Apparently, they haven’t felt like they could press it for one reason or another. I told him my experience directly, and we talked a bit about what a jerk our union rep is, which is why I wouldn’t talk to him.”

Jones rolled his eyes and nodded.

“And it seems like this has been going on for at least a couple of years with this therapist. And that my situation was really tame. There are police officers and firefighters she’s refusing to sign off on their return to duty paperwork unless they agree to have sex with her.” Buck scrubbed his hands over his face. “I wanted to just tell what I knew and walk away, but how do I do that? This is so messed up.”

“What is their plan?” Will asked.

“Noah is continuing to investigate. They’re trying to get together an evidence package of all the buried reports and take it to the higher-ups. With an expensive lawyer involved for an unnamed client, the assumption will be that a pricey lawsuit is pending if they don’t do something.”

“And you’re funding all that part yourself, right?”

Buck nodded. “Out of savings, yeah. Which isn’t even the point. I told them early on that my limits were that I wouldn’t do anything that would jeopardize adopting Charlie, but I don’t even know how to see those lines anymore. I don’t know what might harm our situation and what wouldn’t, but I also don’t know how to live with myself if sitting this out means cops and firefighters are coerced into having sex with her in order to be returned to work. And here’s a thought: what if some of them aren’t actually fit for duty? She might be rubber stamping some of them for some dick, when they really need light duty for a few months to recover from something traumatic.”

Will winced. “I don’t even know how to advise you, Buck. I wish I had wise words, but I really don’t.”

“This is fucked up,” Devon said abruptly. “And this is entirely a Clara problem.”

“What?”

“She’ll know what to do.”

“I’m not going to dump this problem in Marcus’ mother’s lap!”

“You most surely are! That’s my advice as your friend, Evan Buckley. You are going to tell your other friend’s mother what’s happened. No one is neutral enough to give you solid advice. I’m way out of my depth, your lawyer is trying to protect your interests, and I’m not sure what the fuck the union is doing. Sometimes, you just gotta find a better adult.”

Buck stared with his mouth hanging open as Devon left the suite. “Is he for real?”

“A better adult doesn’t sound bad to me.”

“This feels like crossing a line,” Buck hissed.

“Why? You’re not asking her for therapy, but she understands the nuances of that profession, and maybe you need that right now.”

“I’ve told my own therapist.”

Will shrugged. “But he doesn’t know the latest update, does he?”

It was longer than he expected before Devon returned with Clara DeKay, who was carrying Charlie. “I saved you the headache and told her myself. Imma wait out here in Will’s weirdly formal living room that looks like no one ever uses it.”

“No one ever does use it,” Will said, exchanging looks with Clara, then he got to his feet.

“Yes,” Clara said softly. “Just give us five minutes, dear.”

Will looked at Buck. “I take your wishes over anyone else’s.”

“It’s fine.”

“Call if you need me to come back.”

Buck nodded.

Then he was alone with a woman he barely knew, but she handed him Charlie, who was awake and seemed to perk up a little when he pulled her close.

“She knows your smell,” Clara observed.

Buck held Charlie to his chest and just rubbed his hand rhythmically up and down her back; it was probably more soothing for him than her.

Clara sat at the far end of the couch. “I know your friends want me to offer some advice, but do you actually want any advice?”

“I’m willing to listen since I feel at the end of my rope right now.”

“Well, you know what they say about that…?”

“Tie a knot and keep holding on?”

She smiled gently at him. “Exactly so. In any case, you need to put this burden down, my dear.”

“Pardon?”

“I understand how you got here, but this is not your burden to carry. This is not your problem to manage, but you’re taking it on as if it is because you think it’s the best way to protect your daughter. Your stress levels heighten when it seems like you won’t be able to be uninvolved.

“It’s always a victim’s choice whether to go forward or not, though I certainly advocate for coming forward, especially in cases like this. And as you’ve rightly pointed out, what she’s doing is criminal.”

“Did I point that out?”

“Obliquely, yes. Sex by coercion, sleeping with her patients, even the falsifying of official paperwork—these are all criminal to varying degrees. The union reps no doubt haven’t been pushing for police involvement for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is difficulty getting cooperation from their complainants, another is likely damage to their own career for stepping out of the chain of command.

“Your attorney is doing as you wish and trying to keep you out of it as much as possible, but now you find yourself at a moral crossroads and feel greatly burdened by it. But I ask you, why are you bearing this burden? Place it in the proper hands.”

“You’re saying go to the police?”

“I’m assuming there’s an officer you’d trust to at least discuss it. If not, I can certainly offer a name or twelve that I know would be discreet and give you sound advice. Though if you only want advice, be careful not to give her name because they’ll be required to act if they know who.”

“I know…someone. Or two.” His mind was churning. “I hadn’t wanted to do anything that might dredge up my past in court and hurt my chances of adopting Charlie. But I also don’t know how to let a predator just keep doing this.”

“For starters, the investigation will be long. Your adoption of Charlotte will be complete long before this sees a courtroom or anyone is making insinuations about your past. Second, if you trust your social worker, be forthright about the situation so they’re aware.”

“Cedric Manning.”

“Oh, he’s a good one. Cedric isn’t going to hold any of this against you unless you’re not getting the help you need, which you already are. But the point stands that this is not a burden you should have to carry.” She reached out and patted his hand. “You have enough. Set this one down.”

Buck felt tears fill his eyes from the sheer relief and nodded.

“Oh, dear heart. I’m so terribly sorry. If I promise not to squish Charlotte, can I give you a hug?”

He nodded again and got a mostly side hug that was still the most motherly thing he’d experienced in a long time. He wound up crying a little on Clara’s shoulder, but she seemed to expect it. Then she somehow managed to navigate his little kitchenette and made them both some tea, so everything was back to normal when Will and Devon rejoined them. A little while later, Marcus came up as well and side-eyed Buck leaning against Clara.

“Are you stealing my mother?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, all right. She was the neighborhood mom all my childhood anyway.”

~*~

Buck stood with Chief Hallsey in front of his RRT class, feeling like a fish out of water. He’d somehow missed that Massey had broken his arm during the first hands-on RRT instruction of the new Academy session.

Hallsey looked around at the class. “We’re basically starting over. Your new permanent instructor will be here on Friday. However, Firefighter Buckley will be continuing your work on the fundamentals today. Buckley is still in his probationary period, and it is very unusual to have probationary firefighters teach, however, he has extensive Search and Rescue credentials, has worked with FEMA, and has SARTECH II certification, so there’s almost nothing the wilderness can throw at him that he can’t handle.”

The chief glanced at him. “How far are you from III?”

“I need a couple more urban rescue classes, and then I can work through the certification program.”

“Right. So, SAR wet dream as far as the department is concerned. He knows what he’s doing on a rope, so pay attention. Anything you want to add?”

“I got permission to say this, so I’ll say I think safety is underemphasized in the interests of progressing through to the next level. Almost every Academy graduate, save for a few exemptions, has to be a rope technician, and there’s a high value placed on progressing through to other certifications, particularly RRS. To do RRS, you have to learn to free climb well. But people push that aspect before they have the basics down. Slow down, master your technique and your gear before anything else.

“You will probably get hurt if you go crazy trying to get those skills without guidance. If you want to improve outside of class, focus on gear management and climbing basics. If you have a climbing gym, focus on nothing but getting up and down the wall safely and using your belay device until it’s so easy it’s boring. You need all the basics to be second nature before you do anything advanced.” He hesitated. “And, uh, never use figure-eight knots.”

Several people suddenly started coughing.

Chief Hallsey rubbed his forehead. “Any questions?”

Someone actually chewing gum while in the Academy raised their hand and immediately asked, “Yeah, what’s the most dangerous rescue you’ve ever done?”

“All rescues present dangers. Part of our training is being able to recognize the dangers and account for as many of them as possible.”

“Yeah, but aren’t you the guy who dropped that kid off the rollercoaster that got stuck upside down?”

“Hey!” Hallsey snapped.

Buck looked up slowly. “I didn’t drop him because I never had him,” he replied softly. “He was humiliated by the situation he found himself in, suffered from chronic mental health issues I had no way of knowing anything about, and he refused to take my hand. Then he deliberately let go when it seemed like I was going to get to him and clip on and take the choice out of his hands.

“I honestly hope none of you are in a situation where the person you are there to save refuses to let you do your job and chooses to die instead. I will say, however, that I will do my best, for the one session we have together, to ensure that if you do have to climb a rollercoaster where the passengers are stranded upside down, that you’ll be able to do so safely and competently.”

“Well said, Firefighter Buckley. I’ll let you get to your class, then. Candidate Bradford. With me!”

Bradford got to his feet, still smacking his gum. “It was just a question.”

Hallsey glared until Bradford followed him out of the large training hall they used for rope rescue training.

One of the other candidates, a little older than Buck, got to his feet. “On behalf of the rest of us, apologies for Bradford. He’s an ass.”

Buck managed a smile. “Thanks.” He looked at his class list. “Uh…?”

“Diaz. Eddie Diaz.”

“Right. Thank you, Candidate Diaz. Ugh. I can’t do this formality thing. I’m going to be an instructor for one whole day of my career. You guys can call me Buck. Just listen, be polite, and we won’t have an issue.

“I know what was supposed to be covered in the first session, but does anyone think they got anything useful out of it?”

Diaz was still standing and raised his hand.

Buck raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I was well prepared ahead of time, so it felt like a lot of what not to do.”

Buck couldn’t help but laugh. “Fair. Instead of trying to keep to the syllabus, and in order to have things well prepped for your permanent instructor, I’d like to focus on gear management, techniques, getting in and out of your gear, and then on and off the wall. I figure if your permanent instructor can hit the ground running without having to hit any of the fundamentals, it won’t be too much of a setback.”

He leaned against the small instructor’s desk. “I hope every instructor emphasizes this, in every aspect of your training, but it goes doubly so for being on a rope. Your safety is in your hands. Never trust someone else’s safety check. Never rely on someone else saying they’ve checked a rope, a harness, or anything. You go on shift, you check your own gear. My main harness, rope, and a few specialty things are in my gear bag, and I check them before every shift. Just like I check my turnouts before every shift.

“It would have to be the direst emergency for me to hang from a rope I had not personally checked. There was an incident early on after I graduated from the Academy, where someone grabbed my rope and was using it for something else. Considering we were in an emergency, I didn’t have time to check the other available rope and had to perform a rescue off a bridge with a rope I hadn’t been able to assess.

“Fortunately, I have a great captain who understood what a breach of equipment protocol it was, and he dealt with it back at the station. It’d be like putting on someone else’s turnouts. And before someone points out all the mountains of safety rope we have, yes, we have a ton of safety lines we check at the beginning of every shift, but there is a difference. With every safety harness is a line that is checked by the person who is going to put their life, literally, on that line. Do not touch someone else’s gear.

“You’ll understand the first time you’re hanging from a bridge, building, cliff, helicopter, whatever… You want the rope that is going to support you to be the rope you’ve checked yourself. So, the first lesson is to check your gear every single shift. The second lesson is don’t mess with other people’s gear.

“Questions? No? Okay, for the purposes of today’s lesson, whatever rope you get and check is your rope for the day. It’s your best friend. Same thing with the harness and belay device. I know all the equipment stays here at the end of the day, but for today, you will act like it’s yours, you are responsible for it, and no one else messes with it. And at the end of the day, we will leave it in better condition than we found it.

“So, let’s get started.”

~*~

“Buckley!” a voice called out from across the parking lot.

Buck turned around, smiling faintly as Diaz jogged to catch up to him. “Diaz.”

“Eddie,” he corrected as soon as he came to a stop. Like Buck, he’d changed into civilian clothes before leaving. “I just wanted to say that this was great today. I’ve done a bit of bouldering, just like some of the other guys have done some climbing. We tried to tell Massey his own technique wasn’t good when he was demonstrating, even though he snapped that he doesn’t teach it, but then he fell. Anyway. I just wanted to tell you that you clearly know your stuff, and I learned a few things that I feel like I should have already known, so thanks for today.”

“You’re welcome.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I appreciate the feedback. I felt really out of my depth.”

“You couldn’t tell. All the candidates I have lunch with had the same thing to say—even the experienced climber said he picked up a few things about basic techniques and gear management.” There was something in Eddie’s expression and change in voice tone that was clear there was a question.

“I got into SAR while I was climbing because I rescued someone who was way out of their depth. I apprenticed in Search and Rescue under a seasoned climber who had done all the big peaks and moved into SAR after he lost someone on K2 due to what he called their own inability to be prepared. He was crotchety as fuck, but he knew his stuff.”

Diaz nodded. “Anyway, on behalf of all of us, thanks. I know you won’t be teaching here permanently, but we’d be lucky if you were.”

“Well, to you and any of the people you find tolerable, I climb at Tony’s on any Saturdays I’m not on shift. There’s a two-hour slot in the morning from six to eight he keeps just for first responders.”

“What’s your shift?”

“I’m on A-shift.”

Eddie nodded. “Thanks, man. When I’m free of this, I’ll definitely come find you. They say it’s supposed to be some Saturdays at the Academy, but it’s most, isn’t it?”

Buck grinned. “Oh yeah, definitely. I can give you my number, if you want…questions about the Academy or whatever.”

After a hesitation, Eddie nodded. “That’d be great. I’ve only been in LA for a couple of months. We haven’t even found a house yet, so things are chaotic, but someone to ask questions about the job would be really helpful.” Diaz unlocked his phone, and Buck couldn’t help but grin.

“Sorry, man, I couldn’t help but see your wallpaper. That is the cutest kid. Yours?”

Eddie flashed him a blinding grin, which changed his whole demeanor. “Christopher. Yeah, he’s mine.”

“He hurt his leg or something?”

Eddie shot him a look.

“The crutches…?”

Expression closing off a bit, Eddie shook his head. “He has CP. Uh, Cerebral Palsy.”

“Acquired?”

Eddie blinked in surprise. “How would you know…?”

“I know acquired is typically milder, and he’s using crutches at his age, so I assumed it was acquired and not congenital. Sorry, I’ve done a lot of research into CP. God, that sounds weird.”

“Whoa, chill.” Eddie clasped his shoulder. “Don’t freak out. Just tell me why you’d be researching CP.”

“Like, not a lot of people know this, but I’m adopting. She was drowned at birth, and CP is a complication they’re on the lookout for, and I research everything related to her health, so I did a whole deep dive on it so I’d know, though I think I just made myself panic for no reason about everything.”

“Hey, man, take a breath. Tell me how old your kid is.”

“She’s a month old.” Buck whipped out his phone and pulled up a picture of Charlie. “This is Charlotte.”

Diaz stared at the phone for a second, then his expression melted as he smiled. “She’s beautiful. She’s okay?”

“She’s doing great now. But they say it could take years for problems related to the oxygen deprivation she suffered to fully manifest. So, we just wait and hope.”

“Well, we should definitely exchange numbers. If you have questions about CP, you can always write.”

“I’m not going to mine you for info about CP. I have the Internet to make me a paranoid helicopter parent.”

Eddie laughed.

“But I wouldn’t mind having a friend who’s also a parent.”

Diaz gave a little half smile. “Yeah, that wouldn’t be so bad. You talk like you’re a single parent…?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, me too, so… single parents’ club.”

They fist bumped, then exchanged numbers.

“Also,” Buck added, “there were a lot of people helping me with rescuing Charlie and helping get set up and stuff.”

Eddie’s look was curious, but he didn’t ask.

“If you need some help finding a house or finding childcare or whatever, just let me know. I can pass on all the help I got.”

“They helped you find a house, eh?”

“There’s definitely something there, and plenty of help on offer, but I’m afraid to move forward until Charlie’s adoption is finalized, so life’s in a bit of a holding pattern. Work, diapers, bottles, lather, rinse, repeat. Just keep it going until the legal stuff is done.”

Eddie nodded. “I’m going to take you up on the offer to help find a house, I think. My abuela is tired of tripping over me.”

Buck grinned. “They’d love nothing more than to be a busybody over someone else.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Thanks again, Buck.” Eddie started walking backward. “I look forward to meeting your kid.”

“Ditto!”

Eddie shook his head. “He’d pepper you with questions like ‘do dogs know they’re dogs?’”

Buck cocked his head. “I think that’s a fascinating question. I’ll ponder it and text you my thoughts on the subject to pass on.”

“Ay Dios.” Eddie rubbed his hand over his face. “Why did I open my big mouth?”

“You’re going to love being friends with me, Diaz!” Buck called out to him.

“I already have regrets!”

Laughing, Buck got into his SUV, feeling lighter than he had in days.

~*~

Buck’s good mood lasted until he reached his lawyer’s office. Everything in him wanted to put this off, but he had a window to put this to rest so he could not focus on this for the rest of the week, and he wanted to be done with it.

He was the last to arrive.

Mari had set them up in a cozy conference room. Athena and Detective Ransone were sitting together, both sipping from expensive mugs. Mari and Noah Haney on the other “side” of the round table, both drinking bottled water.

Mari got to her feet when Buck was shown in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You look tired, sweetie.”

“I am exhausted. I taught at the Academy today, and there were a couple of candidates I could not get to follow instructions. The herding cats analogy feels appropriate.”

She smiled. “Well, the floor is yours. I know you said you were pressed for time. I made you that tea you like.”

“Thanks, Mari.” He smiled at Athena and nodded to Ransone. “Thank you both for agreeing to meet me here. I was floundering a bit on location. There’s nothing close to the house to meet at. Meeting at my place was not an option for reasons you’ll understand shortly. I didn’t feel right asking Athena to host this. Anyway, because I need to be home on time, I needed something between the Academy and home. And this was all I could come up with. There’s nothing official between my lawyers and the LAPD going on.”

Ransone relaxed fractionally.

Athena leaned forward. “Just tell us why we’re here, and we’ll sort it out.”

“I’ve been trying to manage a problem, and my attorney,” he gestured to Noah, “has been investigating and following up based on my preferences for how things are handled. But new information came to light last night that really overwhelmed me, and it was pointed out to me that it’s not my problem to solve. That it involves criminal acts, so I at least needed to get a more objective opinion.”

Athena cocked her head. “All right. Net it out for me.”

Buck laid out how he’d been sent to see Dr. Welles, what had happened with the visit, how he’d dismissed how badly he’d felt afterward, and how averse he was to the idea of therapy. Mari had added her perspective on Buck’s obvious aversion to therapy due to his past experiences and her insistence that he go anyway for the sake of Charlotte’s adoption.

Noah explained how he’d been brought in to quietly lead an investigation into Welles and that someone from the Union had quietly reached out to him.

“Which brought us to the meeting last night,” Buck said. “George, the union rep, said that amongst the ‘lost’ complaints are a lot of coerced sex acts. Along the lines of she won’t sign return to work papers unless someone puts out. Or, and this is possibly worse, she will sign paperwork she knows she shouldn’t if someone will have sex with her. These are people who are married, who have families, who are looking down the barrel of a failed career if they don’t have sex with her, or possibly a failed marriage if this should come out.

“Also, Noah’s investigation turned up that she is a contracted provider for the LAPD as well.”

Athena pinched the bridge of her nose, but it was Ransone who said. “I’m not sure I can be objective because I know officers who have been sent to see her.”

“Lou?” Athena turned to face him.

“I always thought the department therapists must be crap because they never seemed right after and loathed the idea of therapy. And…” He gave Athena a pained look. “The SWAT officer who was returned to duty a year ago—”

“The one who—”

“Yeah. He was her patient.”

“Oh.” Athena tapped one nail on the table. “I’m not sure we’re going to find anyone objective to investigate if she’s had years to do this, and especially if someone is helping her bury the complaints. In any case, If Lou is questioning his objectivity, I’ll talk to Captain Maynard and get permission to run point with Lou playing detective.”

Ransone nodded.

Athena leaned forward. “But whoever told you this is not your burden to bear is absolutely right. It is not. This is far-reaching criminal behavior, and it’s also corruption. The LAPD needs to run point.” She looked at Noah. “Mr. Haney, I appreciate that your investigators were doing what they could to get the information needed while protecting the interests of your client. Your intention was to…?”

“We planned to turn it over to the union and LAFD to do with as they pleased. We certainly want them to handle protecting their staff first, but after they had enough evidence to deal with her, it’s also evidence in the malpractice suit.”

“I see. Well, at this point, if the LAFD is burying it, it’s beyond their control, and they aren’t going to have much of a say. I would ask that you hold on a malpractice suit at this time. Are you willing to work with us on whatever information you have?”

Haney looked to Buck, who nodded. “Of course.”

Athena got to her feet. “Buck, can we speak out in the hall, please?”

Taking a deep breath, Buck followed her to the hallway. He wasn’t at all expecting to be yanked into a bruising hug. “I’m so damn sorry,” she whispered in his ear. “I wish we could have helped you through this.”

“I’ve been managing,” he replied, hugging her back.

“I know.” When she pulled away, she gave him a serious look. “You’re going to have to come in at some point and swear out an official complaint.”

Buck winced.

“We can wait on that a bit until we have a little more of our ducks in a row, but it’s still going to have to be soon. But I promise, it’s going to be quiet for a while. We’re going to investigate slowly and methodically and very, very confidentially because this has very far-reaching consequences. If there are firefighters, and especially police officers, on duty who should not be, we have to work that through carefully.”

He nodded.

She gave him a sad smile. “Follow the advice. Hand over the burden as much as you can and find a way to heal. We’ll take it from here.”

“Thank you, Athena.”

“Anytime, baby.”

Chapter Eight

On his way to pick up Charlie, he got stuck waiting for a construction truck to clear the road, so he texted Eddie.

Buck: I’ve been pondering. I think dogs know they’re not human, and they know they’re not cats or horses or pigs. Certainly they don’t know any of those labels. But they know they are not the immutable thing that is not-dog. Ipso facto they know that they are dogs.

He had just arrived at Elaine’s, which was on his way home from the law office, when he got a response.

Eddie: I hate you so much right now. Christopher wants to talk to you SO badly. I can barely keep hold of my phone.

Buck: LOL. Sucks to be you.

Eddie: Abuela says come to family lunch on Sunday so Chris can chew your ear off. It’s BBQ. You free?

Buck: Stopping by to help at a pet adoption event friends are running at a local shelter in the morning but I’m free by lunch. So…sure.

Eddie: Address incoming. We eat around 1. Arrive anytime after 11. Expect to be monopolized by Christopher.

Buck: Mission accepted.

He got the text with the address and sent a thumbs up emoji then went to retrieve his little girl.

There was a lot of bustle to be heard at home when he arrived barely ahead of 7 PM, but no one was visually around, so he headed straight upstairs. He’d barely made it in the door when he got a call from Devon.

“Tommy Kinard? Really?”

“What?”

Devon laughed. “I assume he’s expected, so I’m sending him up. Next time, make him bring enough food for us.”

“Get your own food, you leech!” Tommy laughed in the background.

Charlie made fussy noises when he tried to put her down, so he kept her pressed to his chest while he went and opened the door to the landing, spying Tommy already coming up from the second floor.

“All these stairs!”

“I’m a firefighter,” Buck said dryly.

Tommy laughed. He lightly cupped Charlie’s head on his way past. “Hey there, sweet pea.” He paused and pressed a light kiss to Buck’s mouth. “This okay?”

Buck smiled. “Yeah, it’s good. Come on in.”

Tommy glanced around. “This is nice. I was expecting a room.”

“It is, more or less.”

Tommy gave him a look and started setting out the food. It struck Buck that he was doing something he said he wouldn’t do. He was bringing a date to his home early on. But when he’d told Cedric that, he’d been thinking of someone he didn’t know or barely knew. He’d never conceived of someone he’d known through work or who already had a deep connection to so many people in his life. It somehow felt different than just any old date he was allowing into his home.

Elaine had reported that Charlie had just eaten, so she wasn’t ready for a bottle, but she didn’t seem to want to be put down, so Buck took a moment to get the wrap on in the configuration that put her head resting right over his heart, which she seemed to like the best.

“She missed you,” Tommy observed.

“Elaine said she’s managed to do whatever parental imprinting babies do on me. I wasn’t expecting it. I do talk to her a lot, so I’m not surprised she recognizes my voice.” He rubbed his hand up and down her back. “I just want her to know she’s not alone and that she’s loved.”

“I think she does.”

Oddly, they did wind up eating on the floor so they could put the food on the coffee table. A lot of the time was spent talking about the history that led them to the LAFD.

To Buck’s surprise, Tommy had only been out of his probationary period for about six months when Chim joined.

“I so desperately didn’t want to stick out. When I think about how things are at Harbor, and then look back at the 118 under Gerrard, even his supposed ‘golden’ crew were stiff and miserable all the time. No one wanted to draw Gerrard’s attention for the wrong reasons.”

“Was your probationary period difficult?”

Tommy shrugged, stuffing some noodles in his mouth. A minute later, he finally replied. “I don’t know. Seemed normal to me, but I was terrified on so many levels to be authentic. Some of that is family stuff, some was just the idea of coming out. Even after I left the 118, and I was determined to finally be myself, I still choked and started dating Abby, trying to be straight and in this box of the ideal firefighter.”

“Who defined that box?”

“A little bit my dad, a little Gerrard, I guess. We take bits and pieces from the people who’ve influenced us—”

“Who’ve had power over us?”

Tommy considered and inclined his head in agreement. “And we construct something we think matters, and then it all falls apart when it’s put under the smallest stress.” He gave a crooked smile. “I had lunch with Hen today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we had it out. I heard her out about how hard her probationary period had been and then told her she’d had it easy. She was so offended, I thought she was actually going to puff up and sprout feathers. Then she seemed to calm herself down and demanded that I explain. So I told her about her bestie’s probationary period, and how Gerrard hadn’t even let him leave the station for months. How he was disregarded for just being too small.

“Then I told her about Casey, who wound up transferred to the 115 after a slew of anonymous complaints about how Gerrard treated an openly gay male, White probie.” Tommy shook his head. “The only thing Gerrard hated about Hen was that she was female. Her being gay or Black was way behind her being a woman.

“She seemed to catch a clue and asked if I was one of the people who’d lodged a complaint with HR on her behalf, and I said of course I was. Half the team had. We’d complained every time he crossed a line with every probie since Howie, I think. There were just a few complaints on Howie’s behalf, but it kept escalating and escalating. We were tired of being terrorized by our captain.

“So she asked why I’d left, why I didn’t stick it out under Bobby’s leadership, and I told her because Bobby recognized that I needed a new start even before I did. And I needed a chance to be able to come out and finally learn how to be a gay man in a place where I didn’t see abusive language and toxicity in every corner of the station.”

“Wow. How’d that go?”

“She started crying. There was a whole moment.” Tommy waved his chopsticks. “I’m trying to forget the whole conversation.”

Buck nudged him. “Liar.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you feel better for having had the talk, though?”

“I do.” Tommy shrugged one shoulder. “Who knew?” He nudged Buck back. “They don’t know you’re bisexual, do they?”

Buck frowned. “I don’t think so. I don’t make any overt effort to hide it. Marcus and Devon weren’t surprised, but they also didn’t explicitly know because I never came out to anyone. It’s not like I’m flying the bi flag out my window.”

“When did you know?”

“Colorado. Or maybe I always knew. I’m pretty clueless, I think. I’ve always looked at men and women equally, but I sure fell into the programming of heterosexuality. And then there was this guy… Local military in Colorado Springs, so he could technically be out, but he wasn’t really openly gay. We’d run into each other at this pub closer to the ranch than the Springs. I seemed to always be trying to get his attention, and then he asked me if I even knew why I was trying so hard to get his attention.

“I blinked at him sort of cluelessly, so he backed me up in this dark hallway at the pub and kissed me, and it was like I finally understood myself. A while later, he wound up being transferred to a different base, but it was good while it lasted.”

“It was over just because he transferred?”

“I didn’t want it to be, you know? It was my first real relationship, and I had all these feelings. Relationships were new, and I liked how I was in a relationship, and then he was leaving and acting like it was no big deal. It was a lot like an emotional amputation the way he was so blasé about leaving. I mean, he knew Prudy—the woman whose ranch I stayed at in Colorado—so I contacted him when she died, and he never responded.” He shrugged. “It is what it is.

“Anyway, I’d probably still be cluelessly staring at men’s asses, thinking that was normal for straight guys, if I hadn’t met him. I was warned by my mentor in Colorado that I should be careful about who I tell anything about my sexuality to at work, that the fire department can be behind the rest of the world in adopting social change. So, I let people assume what they want. Since I used to get laid a lot, and most of them were women, people draw their own conclusions.”

“Used to?”

Buck looked down at Charlie, who was blowing spit bubbles as she slept. “I’ve barely felt like happy alone time since I picked her up from those deplorable living conditions, much less time with others.”

“That’s just stress talking.”

“Probably,” Buck said with a grin. Then he sobered. “Can I ask you something on a more serious note?”

“Shoot.”

“Did I ambush you?”

Tommy blinked. “In what way?”

“Coffee date. You call, think we’re meeting up, definitely as coworkers, hopefully friends, maybe it’s a date, and I show up with a baby and a whole host of problems. I mean, should I have told you about Charlie over the phone and given you the chance to say ‘no way, no kids, not my scene’?”

“I have no idea what the correct protocol is about telling people you have kids. Should I have asked you out properly rather than hoping you’d see it as a date? I’m probably too old for you, and I knew that before I ever called you.”

“You are definitely too old for me,” Buck teased.

Tommy caught his chin between thumb and fingers, tipping his head up and kissing him softly. “I’m new to this in some ways. I’ve been out for a couple of years, had one semi-serious relationship with a man, so we’re on similar ground there. Neither one of us wants to get hurt, I know that, but I also think we’re both chasing the same thing.” He laced his fingers with Buck’s. “Connection, commitment, being with someone you trust.”

Buck smiled, though it was a little shaky.

“Maybe it was an ambush. A good ambush. I saw someone who really goes all in. And god, your kid is cute. Funnily enough, Brooks figured you were a single parent.”

Buck blinked in shock.

“Yeah, I don’t know how he figured that out, but he pulled me aside and said that dating a single parent is serious business and not to be an ass about it.” He traced his thumb along Buck’s jaw. “We barely know each other, but I really like you, and I’m willing to try to figure the rest out.”

“Okay.”

“Just okay?”

Buck nodded. “I’m a little overwhelmed, I guess. I felt like I wasn’t being fair to you to spring all that on you. And now you’re being so good about it.”

“I wouldn’t have asked for dinner tonight if I wanted to run away.”

“Just don’t run at all, okay? I have issues with abandonment. If it’s too much, let’s talk, sever ties, and go our own ways. I’d take it hard, even at this point, I think, if you just ran for the hills. I can deal with a breakup; I don’t think I’d deal well with not understanding what happened.”

“Got it. No running away. If it’s not working out, we’ll talk and figure out how to be friends.”

Buck nodded. “And Tommy…if we get really serious and my kid gets attached to you, that goes double, okay? You gotta make a graceful exit. You can break my heart, but not Charlie’s.”

Tommy swallowed hard, his eyes looking a little wet. “The protective dad vibe is both sweet and kind of sexy.”

Buck gave a watery laugh. “I’m sorry. I’m all over the place.”

Tommy threw an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to his side. “I think you’ve had a bad day and just didn’t say so. Maybe a bad couple of days.”

Buck nodded.

“You want to talk about it?”

Buck considered and then shook his head. “I’ll tell you, but not yet. It’s a lot, and I’m tired of it already. Getting to be here with you and Charlie was my reward for getting through all the bullshit.”

“That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I’ve never been anyone’s reward.”

“Well, I’m going to break the mood because Charlie is mouthing at my collarbone, which means she’s hungry, and then she needs a bath because I’m already running behind on her bedtime ritual.” Buck loosened the sling. “You want to hold her while I get her bottle ready?”

Tommy’s eyes lit up. “Hell yeah. Come here, sweet pea.”

~*~

Tommy stayed through bathtime.

“How the hell do you do that by yourself?”

“I’ve only done it once by myself, and I felt like I deserved a gold medal afterward. I solicit help wherever I can for bathtime.”

Tommy snorted and flopped backward on Buck’s bed. “That’s exhausting. She’s so slippery.”

“Mm.”

“Why is she still in a towel, though? Not that the cat towel isn’t cute as hell.”

“You do not want to see how cranky she is about being naked after being wet. The temperature changes make her miserable, so she stays in the towel until we have achieved homeostasis, and then I sneak her into a diaper, and only then do I remove the towel and try for a onesie.”

Tommy rolled his head and stared. “Homeostasis?”

“I said what I said.” Buck pulled off his shirt and leaned back on the headboard.

Tommy just blinked at him.

“We normally do skin-to-skin a couple of times a day, and she seems crankier when she doesn’t get her time in. I got up super early to make sure she got thirty minutes this morning. And even though it’s a little late…” He deftly got Charlie into her diaper before leaving the towel open and setting her against his chest.

“She just went all relaxed,” Tommy observed.

“Her pediatrician said as long as she’s responding positively, to continue on with skin-to-skin for up to six months. Sometimes, she’s cranky, and I think she must want to eat or have a diaper change, but she just wants this. Dr. Grace said if I’m off shift, since Charlie had a rough start, I could put her in the wrap and do skin to skin for hours a day with her, so we’re trying that too. She seems to like it.”

“What about on your 24s?”

“My nanny is fine with stepping in; she’s raised kids and knows it’s important. She’s read all the literature on it, so she and I discussed if we were mutually comfortable with her providing it for Charlie.”

Tommy scooted up and brushed back Charlie’s hair. “I wish all the kids in the world could be loved as much as you love her.”

Buck smiled and pressed a kiss to Charlie’s head.

Twenty minutes later, he tucked Charlie into her bassinet, then found himself hauled back onto the bed with Tommy braced above him.

Buck curled his hands around Tommy’s big biceps, feelings oddly surrounded. Tommy was about the same height, but he was bulkier than Buck by about twenty pounds of pure muscle.

“Nothing crazy,” Tommy said, nuzzling Buck’s temple right above his birthmark. “I know there’s another little human a few feet away, but you said you wanted kisses.”

“Yes,” Buck breathed against Tommy’s jaw, feeling his body light up in ways it hadn’t in what felt like forever. “I do want kisses, so kiss me, Tommy.”

Tommy didn’t make him wait any longer, slotting their mouths together. It was clear to Buck that he’d intended to keep it easy, but the minute their tongues slid together, the intensity skyrocketed.

Buck groaned into Tommy’s mouth, sliding his hands up over broad shoulders, tugging and pulling, bringing Tommy closer. Tommy settled his weight fully on Buck as their lips and tongues moved.

Since his chest was still bare, it made for easy access to his nipples, and Tommy’s thumbs slid over them repeatedly, before pinching lightly, causing Buck to gasp into Tommy’s mouth and arch up.

He desperately wanted to part his legs, wrap them around Tommy’s hips, and hold him close. But he knew that’d be inviting this to go much further than he wanted it to go right now. Further than he was ready for it to go.

Tommy seemed to get it, gentling the kiss, despite Buck’s moan of protest, moving his mouth down the column of Buck’s throat, kissing gently to his collarbone. Finally, he let his head rest, breathing harshly. “That’s incendiary.”

Buck blinked up at the ceiling and blew out a breath.

Tommy finally pushed himself back up on his arms, staring down at Buck. “You are so beautiful, you know? It takes my breath away a little.”

Buck felt himself flush.

“Was that too much?”

“The sentiment or the kisses?”

Tommy grinned. “Either.”

“No. The kiss was a flashfire faster than I expected. I thought we could do some lazy making out for a while, but I think lazy making out might be an afterglow thing for us.”

Tommy groaned and let his head hang down for a moment. “That’s a visual that’ll keep me awake.”

“As for the sentiment. I liked it,” he whispered.

Brushing a kiss over his birthmark, Tommy murmured, “I try to only say things I mean.” Then he pushed himself up. “So, I really mean it when I say I’m going to go home and do wicked things to myself while thinking of the way you look right now.”

Buck flushed all the way to the waistband of his jeans.

“Or maybe the way you look right now. Do you blush all the way?”

“You are the worst.”

Tommy grinned. “Possibly the best.”

“Possibly.” Buck levered himself out of bed, ignoring his erection, and found a t-shirt. He grabbed a baby monitor. “Come on. I’ll walk you out like the good date I most definitely hope I was.”

“You’re a great date.” Tommy grabbed his hand and turned it over, kissing his palm. “The best I ever had.”

Buck leaned in and kissed him. “Me too.”

~*~

Buck had finished his equipment checks and was knee-deep in supply inventory when Hen appeared at the supply closet door with the keys to the command truck in hand.

“Come on.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Calley’s taking the station offline for maintenance. She said we can go try to figure out where Bobby is. He’s never no-showed before, and we’re all a little worried.”

Buck tossed the clipboard aside. “Yeah. Let’s go.” Bobby not showing up for work was so weird that even those who had been here from the beginning of his tenure couldn’t recall him even taking a sick day.

Devon and Marcus nodded to him, obviously aware of what was up.

Hen drove, clearly knowing where they were going.

“Devon said Bobby seemed to take the plane crash scene pretty hard.”

She shot him a quick look. “Devon?”

“There were a couple of vacancies at my place, and he and Marcus took them. We’ve gotten to know each other a little better.”

“Jones said he was looking for something decent, and Chim said you lived in a flop house.”

Buck gave her an incredulous look. “How would Chim know anything about where I live?”

She opened her mouth and then snapped it shut. “I guess he wouldn’t. He said you lived in a room share. I’m not sure why he figured it’d be a dive.”

“It is a room share. Huge three-story house in Los Feliz. Like ten or eleven bedrooms…”

“You mean those giant places out on Hillside and Woodburn?”

“Woodburn, and yeah.”

“For fuck’s sake, Chim,” she muttered under her breath. “And, yes, Bobby seemed to struggle with the crash, though he wouldn’t talk about why.” She hesitated. “I sent you a text after, and you never replied. We saw you pulling people out of those pools of jet fuel out in the ocean.”

“You texted me?” Buck pulled out his phone and searched for Hen’s name. It was a single text from the next morning that read: You doing okay? Looked rough out there last night.

“Sorry, Hen. They asked me to fill in for the RRT class instructor at the Academy. Massey broke his arm. And I got a lot of texts about what to do and where to go. I think I must have opened yours by accident and not even read it. I would never deliberately ignore you.”

“I know you wouldn’t. Also, they asked you to teach at the Academy? As a probie?”

“It’s because of SAR certifications, and it was just for one day because Massey is a fool.”

“He is a fool. He still using figure-eight knots just for himself because he thinks he knows better?”

“Yep.”

She sighed. “So, you met Tommy Kinard, huh?”

“Had two dates with him and everything.”

Hen choked and bobbled the wheel a little. “Whoa. Are you for real?”

“Yeah. We had coffee the other day and dinner last night. Why? That a problem?”

“Uh. No…? I mean, I didn’t know you were gay.”

“Obviously not gay, Hen.”

“Right, of course. You must be bi.” She face-palmed herself without obstructing her vision. “And that’s not new, right?”

“Did I know I was bi already? Yeah, of course.”

“Oh. Well, thank you for trusting me with that. Um. And you’re dating Tommy?”

“Yeah, he’s sweet.”

“He’s a little older than you, yeah? Like he’s almost as old as Chim, right?”

“I think so.” Buck laughed. “Just say what you gotta say, Henrietta.”

“Oh my god, don’t call me Henrietta.”

“Ask your question, Hen.”

“Just be careful, okay?”

“About what?”

“I don’t even know what I’m saying.” She sighed. “I had a whole image of Tommy, and it turns out none of that was even true. Chim is gleeful that he was right about Tommy, and I was wrong. I just don’t know why he couldn’t tell us then. It feels so…disingenuous.”

“Look, I admire that you’ve never felt you needed to hide something. I mean, that’s great that you’ve never had family you didn’t want anyone to know about.”

Hen winced.

“Or abusive parents you hope never show up around your friends or coworkers, so you’d never have anyone look at you with pity. Or you never had to tell the people you work with that you were sexually assaulted by your department therapist.”

She shot him an alarmed look but then focused on the road.

“But sometimes people don’t put it all out there. Sometimes what they show at work is just as much as they want people to know. It’s great you can let every single detail of yourself be known, but not everyone is that comfortable.”

“I don’t—”

“I’m not done,” he snapped, not even aware of how annoyed he was until he was snapping. “The fire station is particularly bad about not letting people change. About not letting things go. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be steeped in heteronormative, toxic male bullshit your entire military career and then go into the fire department and get someone like Gerrard, and the first thing you get is a heaping dose of what an ideal firefighter is, and it sure isn’t you. Because Tommy has always known he’s gay. He’s always liked romcoms, cats, and stupid basketball. And he knew from day one that Gerrard was a homophobe.

“So, I get how, after years there, in the same space, with the same people, who don’t know how to let it go, it’d be easier to walk away than to figure out how to come out. I totally get it. I can’t get y’all to let anything go. To the point that this sexual assault business is chewing a hole in my brain, and I’d rather eat glass than tell any of you that my department therapist is a sexual predator.”

“Buck.”

“No. You don’t get to decide how other people cope. I’m so happy for you that your life is perfectly out in the open, Hen, but some of us don’t want our pain points known to people who can’t keep secrets or who’d take bets on it.”

She suddenly pulled into a parking lot, parked the command truck, and turned to face him, eyes glassy, cheeks flushed. “I would never bet on your painful moments.”

“Then you tell me where the fuck the lines are, Hen? Because it seems like there are no goddamn boundaries in that station. I love you guys, but I don’t trust you anymore. I don’t. And everything has been so hard lately, but…” He bit his lip. “Someone at the station talked to an investigator about me, and instead of having a modicum of discretion about a stranger asking questions about their coworker, they decided to talk about my sex life.”

She squeezed her eyes shut.

“We both can guess who that was, can’t we?”

“Buck.”

“Don’t Buck me like I’m supposed to understand! I should be able to go to a therapist over the fact that I seek out sex because I don’t know how to obtain casual affection from people in my life, without her climbing in my lap and using my past sex life against me. I should be able to go through an adoption proceeding and not have one of my coworkers nearly tank a background check because they want to talk about who I’ve had sex with.”

Her eyes went wide.

“You have so many gifts, and I admire you so much, but the hypocrisy is thick. I have so much changing in my life, and I’m not sure I can stay at the 118 because I don’t trust my team. I just don’t. Don’t even get me started on how you guys can’t let people change for the better without constantly throwing their past in their face and trying to tear them down.

“You want to be mad that Tommy had to leave the 118 to start over with people who had nothing to hold against him. After years of repressing himself, after years of military and firehouse culture, and being told you’re not a man if you’re gay, you think he should have stuck it out with you for…what? Because you had to deal with a sexist captain who apparently tried to get every firefighter who was too short, too female, or too gay for his tastes to quit? Why does Tommy owe you that?”

She wiped tears away. “He doesn’t. I just never knew the whole truth, and in the absence of all the information, we fill in with what makes sense.” She reached out and took his hand. “But, Buck, this is not about Tommy anymore. Please talk to me.”

“How? Your best friend is trying really hard to mess up my life, even if it’s not intentional, just because he likes to one-up people with what he knows and how much he can gossip. Tommy thinks I remind Chim of a guy who was shitty to him, but Hen, I was fourteen when Chim was a probie. Do you have any idea how petty it sounds for him to be treating me like crap for something that happened in 2005?”

“I’ll talk to him, I promise.”

“No, don’t talk to him. He’s a grown ass man. He needs to start acting like it, and you need to stop telling him everything. And until you do, I don’t trust you. I can’t.”

“Buck, you can trust me. I promise.”

“Let me put this out there, I found out two days ago that the therapist who found an easy target in me…” Buck gave a self-deprecating laugh. “She didn’t find an easy target in all her victims, but she definitely did in me. It’s in the hands of the police now, and they’re quietly looking into just how many firefighters and police officers she’s extorted sex from in exchange for return-to-work authorization.”

Hen pressed her hand to her mouth, eyes wide. “Who is the doctor?”

“Do I tell you? Are you going to be able to keep it quiet?”

“Of course I can. If you ask me not to talk to Bobby, I won’t even say anything to him, but you really should consider talking to him.”

“Dr. Brittany Welles.”

Hen’s eyes were as big as plates. “Buck, you don’t understand. They pre-set Chim’s appointments with her. He sees her for the first time in four weeks, and then every two weeks after to ensure he’s psychologically ready to go back to work. We have to tell him to get a different therapist.”

Buck sighed with disgust. “See. The minute it affects you personally—”

“It’s not that! But should others keep being hurt while they—”

“They’d already thought of that,” he yelled over her. “The LAPD is putting her on a special project with the FBI. All her appointments are being routed to other therapists. The FBI is helping. They weren’t going to let her keep hurting people. And her potential victims didn’t even cross your mind until it could have been your best friend. Then, all of a sudden, the damage you could be doing to an investigation didn’t even matter.”

“That is unfair.”

“This whole situation is unfair!”

She squeezed her eyes shut.

“We should go to see Bobby,” Buck said, sitting back in his seat. “We definitely need to figure out what’s wrong.”

“We are not done with this conversation.”

“Believe me, I know we opened a can of worms here, but nothing changes the fact that I don’t trust you or Chim or even Bobby anymore. And it kills me that I want to. But when you sit here and tell me to be careful about Tommy because he left for the exact same reasons I want to leave, I don’t know what to make of that.”

“You really want to leave us?”

“I want…” He felt his eyes start to burn. “I want to get through this adoption, and be able to finish out my probationary year, and get the paternity leave I deserve in order to spend time with my daughter. I want to be able to show people her picture and not have snarky things said about my sex life as it pertains to her parentage. I want a lot of things, Hen.”

“Buck…” Hen whispered. “Are you really adopting a baby?”

He pulled out his phone. “If you break my confidence on this, I’ll never trust you again.”

“I swear.”

He opened the shortcut on his desktop that was to Charlie’s favorite album and passed it to Hen. “That’s Charlotte.”

“She’s so little. She can’t even be a couple of weeks old here. Who is she? If you’re adopting…”

“January 1st, Hen.”

She looked up, brow furrowed. “What of it?”

“We rescued a baby.”

“The only baby we rescued that day was—” Her eyes went wide, and she looked back at the phone, flicking through the photos. “Buck,” she breathed, “how?”

“Marika Samaras, the mother, asked me to adopt her, and I said yes.”

“Oh. She’s beautiful. And she made it.” Hen’s eyes were full of tears. She leaned across the console and yanked Buck into a hug. “I am so glad you told me. I’ve thought of her so often. I called the hospital once, and all they’d say was she was still in the NICU, and then she was discharged, and I never knew anything else.”

“It’s been a really wild ride.”

She pulled back, mouth hanging open. “Your sudden leave because of a family emergency.”

“She is my family now. I know I implied it was about my brother, but I did find out about Daniel at the same time. It just paled in comparison to bringing Charlie home.”

“Oh my god. You must have been going crazy.” She wiped at her face and sniffled. “All right. We have to go check on Bobby because they won’t keep the station offline forever. We have a lot to make right, and I swear everything is between us unless you say otherwise. We’ll set up a time to talk, but while we drive, just tell me all about Charlotte, how she’s doing, what being a dad is like for you. I want to hear it all.”

Buck smiled softly. It was no hardship to talk about his kid.

Chapter Nine

Finding Bobby so drunk that he was passed out was not at all what Buck had expected.

They got him sobered up enough to be coherent, had him drink a ton of water and eat something, then Hen checked his vitals to be sure he was okay. There was still this wall between them, even when Bobby was explaining about his alcoholism and having fallen off the wagon for several days in a row.

It was soul-crushing in a way, but Buck felt powerless to help. And then Bobby did something so incredibly brave and actually asked them both for help. He asked them to stay and talk.

They stayed for a couple of hours and sat with Bobby. Buck texted Calley that Bobby was sick, and she said she was putting the triple back into service, and they needed to be back in three hours, but she might need to call them sooner.

They watched silly TV and talked about inconsequential stuff. When talk turned to family, Bobby got tense, so they focused back on other things. The important part was that he was asking them for help.

He still had enough booze in his system that it wasn’t okay for him to drive, so he asked them to drop him off at his church on their way back, which they did. He promised he’d be there for several hours and then spend the evening going to several AA meetings. His sponsor would give him a ride back home.

When he and Hen were in the command truck on the way back to the station to work the majority of their shift, it was easy to see that Hen was as emotionally shellshocked as Buck was.

“Now I feel like our conversation ahead of going to see Bobby was ill-timed,” he admitted. “Sorry. I should have figured something was up and not gone there.”

“Oh no. I feel like I made way more progress with you than Bobby today.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Do not even go there. Besides, I sort of brought that on by trying to warn you away from Tommy.”

Buck chuckled. “True.”

“Which wasn’t really fair of me.”

“Nope.”

“But he is too old for you.”

“Probably.”

“You’re a pain, you know that?”

“That too.”

She laughed. “Since we have a few minutes. And at the risk of bursting your bubble that I don’t have any secrets.”

“I actually know you keep a lot back, Hen,” he said gently. “It just sometimes feels you and Chim don’t think anyone else gets to.”

She blew out a breath. “I may get that from Chim more than anything I think on a real level. Let me think about it a bit, okay?”

“Sure. But what were you going to ask?”

“I have an adopted son.”

“Denny. You’ve mentioned him. Cute as a button.”

She smiled as she navigated traffic. “Can I tell you about his bio mom and get your opinion about a situation?”

“Sure.”

Hen told him about her ex calling from prison and wanting to see her, and the only reason Hen was considering it was worry about custody being challenged.

“Oh, hell no, Hen. Where does that ever end? If she gets away with it once, she’ll know she can manipulate you for all time and eternity with the custody thing. I know from manipulative people. You can’t even entertain phone calls from her.”

“But what if she tries to take Denny?”

“So button that up tighter than a drum. Talk to a lawyer preemptively. Talk to the bio dad if you have to. Because if she can make him out to be a problem, you need to be sure he’s actually an issue before you let her threaten you with him.”

“Lawyers are so expensive. I mean, we can afford it, but—”

He stared at her narrow-eyed. “You want to see her.”

“I don’t.”

“You do!” he challenged. “Everyone in your life has to be telling you not to do this. I’ll bet you a weekend of babysitting that your lovely rocket scientist wife doesn’t want it and wouldn’t hesitate to spend the money on a lawyer. So, if you go see the ex, it’s not about the money, and it’s not protecting yourself. It’s because it’s what you want to do.”

She shook her head.

“I know human nature, Hen, when it comes to attraction. For whatever reason, you’re not done with that relationship, and you should figure that out and stop asking questions about custody and bio dads and whatever. They’re a smokescreen. There’s something with this Eva person you’re not finished with yet.”

“You’re wrong,” she said firmly.

“And I hope you prove me wrong,” he shot back. “Because there’s no reason not to go see an attorney with your rocket scientist and deal with this problem. My family practice lawyer is a shark and would bury Eva in legal motions and show causes until her eyes crossed if she messed with you. The fact that you aren’t doing that, for some reason, tells me you don’t want to.”

“When did you get like this?”

“I’ve been dealing a little more closely with child custody issues and human nature around such things than I would like of late, and what you’re saying makes zero sense unless you want to see Eva. You make it sound reasonable, ‘Oh, we could save so much money with just one visit to the prison.’ But change the words. ‘We could save so much money if we just let the drug addict criminal in the door.’”

“I’m not letting her in the door.”

“Aren’t you?”

She huffed. “I’m not sure when you got so confrontational.”

“I’m not sure either, but I really don’t want to see you implode your life or your marriage over someone who clearly didn’t deserve you. Talk to someone honestly about whatever it was that you were getting from Eva that you feel like you’re not getting anymore, or whatever it is that you miss. Figure it out and then say goodbye to it.”

“I’ll have a drink with Athena.”

“I sure the hell hope she tells you what a shitty idea this whole thing is.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.”

When they were a couple of minutes from the station, Hen said, “Listen, I’m really sorry about whatever’s gone on that’s made you feel like you can’t talk. I don’t know what Chim’s said or done, but I gotta own my part in the culture around here, and I’ll work on it.”

“We don’t need fluffy bunnies, Hen. Bobby already runs a pretty fluffy shift compared to a lot of stations from what I’ve heard, but y’all gotta let shit go. You don’t need to run interference for me with Chim, but I’m just letting you know that if I can confirm he’s the source of the rumors getting back to the people investigating me, I doubt I’ll be staying. It sucks because I really like him, and I really like you and Bobby as well. You and Bobby really like Chim, so the whole package deal thing makes it rough. But I will never trust him again if some random stranger can come up to him at a bar, ask a few pointed questions, and get both truth and fiction in some weird Chim concoction.”

“I really hope he wouldn’t.”

“I’ll know soon.”

“How?”

“My law firm’s investigators are checking into it. I threw a lot of money from my savings into making sure Charlie’s adoption went off, and I’m not letting Chim’s feelings of inadequacy fuck it up for me.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then you come up with another word for it.” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. You are so bent about how you were treated when you were a probie for nothing more than being a woman, and rightfully so. No one should assume you’re going to fail because you’re female, nor should they assume you’re inept because you’re female. And yet Chim lies to women to get laid, laughs at blatantly sexist behaviors, and you’re cool with it.”

“That’s a stretch,” she said, sounding offended. “And you’re the one who sleeps around.”

“So the fuck what? I’ve never once lied to a sex partner. I’ve been lied to, but never the reverse. They all know the score. I’ve never not worn a condom. I’ve never lied about how recently I did or did not have an STI panel. I’ve never misled someone about looking for a relationship if I wasn’t. I’ve never knowingly slept with a person in a relationship. In fact, I have asked every single sex partner since I was fourteen if they were seeing someone else, and I refused to have anything to do with them if they were.”

She parked the car and looked at him aghast. “Fourteen?! Are you freaking kidding me right now?”

He glared at her and exited the truck, slamming the door behind him. Since the truck was parked in the apparatus bay, he nearly ran right into Marcus.

“Whoa, dude. Where’s the fire? Awful expression to use at a firehouse, but these things come out before we can think about them.”

“Evan Buckley, get back here!” Hen yelped, coming around the back of the SUV.

“What’s going on?” Marcus asked, looking concerned.

“Hen thinks it’s a more egregious fault to have had a lot of honest sex than to lie to your romantic partner on the regular. I think that’s fucked up.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“I have actual work to do.” Buck stomped off towards the captain’s office to find out what Calley had for him for the rest of the shift.

As he walked away, he heard Marcus say, “Oh no, Hen. I think we should do a thorough review of the command truck’s performance in the field since it’s so rarely driven these days.”

“Are you for real right now?”

~*~

It was Jones who stuck his head into the supply closet and then shut the door, leaning back against the shelves with the spare turnouts and boots.

“I’m already seeing someone,” Buck said, noting things on his clipboard.

Devon snorted. “I’m out of your league anyway.”

“That’s true. I’m honestly not sure how you find anyone to date you.”

Devon outright laughed. After a beat, he said, “She’s got a real blind spot for Chim.”

“I know,” Buck said gently without looking up.

“Calley overheard Marcus giving Hen hell. I’ll cut out the middle bits. She’s got Hen in the captain’s office and is currently explaining just how much of a womanizer Chim is and how most of the women on shift find it weird and uncomfortable. Not even that Chim’s a womanizer, but that Hen doesn’t seem to care, while being judgmental that you’re…” Jones made a vague gesture to Buck.

Buck finally tucked his clipboard against his chest. “Free with my affections?”

Jones laughed again. “Yeah, that. It’ll get through. She can logically see she’s not making sense. She comes off like a prude about you sleeping around but doesn’t care if Chim lies to the woman he wants to marry? Great example of feminism. Mind you, I get twice the number of women you do, and she doesn’t give a shit about that, so she’s a hypocrite about her prudishness. Marcus flat out told her that her interest in the number of sex partners people in the station had was creepy.”

Buck rubbed his hand over his face. “Oh god.”

“She said she didn’t give a shit if we slept with a hundred people a day.”

“Marcus said that sounded exhausting and then shot back that it was doubly weird that she only cared about the number of sex partners you had. That shut her up. I think it got through to her right in that moment that she was only paying attention to the person Chim was paying attention to. Anyway, gave her food for thought, I think. Hen’s good people, but Chim has her unsure whether she’s coming or going.”

“Were you eavesdropping on this conversation?”

“Oh hell yeah.”

“Are you the best or the worst?”

“Can I be both?”

“Knock yourself out.”

Devon laughed. “Calley nearly caught me, so then she got involved, and Hen’s been in talking to her since. But, ya know, just have a little faith that Hen’s gotten enough food for her brain bank.”

“Your turns of phrase are so weird.”

“I gotta be me. Give it a couple of days. It’ll be good.” His expression shifted. “Bobby okay?”

Buck blew out a breath. “He’s not great. I think I should keep his confidence about what was going on there, but he took that plane crash really hard for some reason.”

“That I already knew…” Jones looked thoughtful. “He was drunk.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jones.”

“He’s been sober. He’s had an AA chip in his pocket. I’ve spotted it a couple of times. Recognize it from one my uncle used to carry.”

“I am not—”

Devon waved it off. “I’m not asking for confirmation. I should have suspected a fall off the wagon was a possibility when he didn’t show up. I don’t know why that didn’t cross my mind. But he’s okay?”

“I’ll just say we helped for a couple of hours and then drove him to church.”

“Ah. Well, good place for him, all things considered. Hopefully, he’s figured out how to get back on track by next shift. I’ll see if I can figure out some more-tactful-than-I-usually-am way of telling him I’ve noticed his AA chip and offer him contact with my uncle. I’ll make sure to tell him you and Hen refused to tell me anything.”

“I did refuse to tell you anything.”

“Stick with that story.”

~*~

“Buck!”

Sighing, he turned to face Hen, who he’d managed to avoid through the rest of his very busy shift.

“I feel like there’s a lot to say,” she began slowly, “but I also feel like you were really unfair to me.”

He spun on his heel.

“Buck!”

He turned back. “What do you want, Hen?”

“I can’t control Chimney.”

“But you can control how you think it’s better to lie to women than to be honest with your varied sex partners.”

She winced. “It’s been pointed out to me that I have been judgmental about your sex life, but you have to admit you brought some of that on yourself.”

He turned and walked away again.

“Buck!”

But he didn’t stop this time.

She caught up with him at his KIA. “Would you stop!”

“If I brought it on myself, why are you and Chim the only ones with such a prurient interest in my sex life? Jones doesn’t care, Marcus doesn’t care, Martinez doesn’t care. I’m sure Calley would chew glass before she’d bring it up. Why you two?”

She held up both hands. “I’m sorry, okay? I get defensive about Chimney. I feel like he’s under attack, and I don’t even get why. So, I feel like I should defend him.”

“From what? It’s just me here, Hen. Me who he keeps talking about. Why do you need to defend him from me?”

“It’s not just you, okay? Suddenly everyone is pointing out that Chim was in the wrong.”

“Towards me?” Buck asked, confused. “Practically no one knows about my situation.”

“No. About the way he is with women and stuff.”

“Well, why wouldn’t they? He caused a car accident over what amounts to his lies to a woman coming back to bite him in the ass. I checked, and he was at fault. I know he’s paid a steep price for it, Hen, so I’m not trying to be any way, but he was driving recklessly. And it was all over his BS lying to Tatiana and not liking Bobby being honest with him. We talked about this in the hospital.

“Of course people are going to have an opinion about it all of a sudden. Maybe they did all along, but anyone who had to clean up that wreck probably has thoughts about the situation. Maybe they’re not trying to make him wrong, but maybe they just don’t want to hear how he’s done nothing to cause the problem either.”

She rubbed her hands over her face. “I don’t know what to do. He never listens about Tatiana, so I just change the subject.”

“So, your frustration over that means that I should be slut shamed at work?”

Her mouth dropped open. “What? No!”

“Then I’m not following the logic here!”

“Maybe there is no logic,” she nearly screeched. “Maybe I’m just frustrated as fuck feeling like I’m caught between two people I care about, and I know Chim is being an idiot, and there’s nothing I can do to make him see reason, and I don’t know how to unfuck this situation!”

He pursed his lip. “Stop slut shaming me.”

“Fine!” She huffed. “It was never my intention, but I can see how it came across that way.”

His eyes narrowed. “Want to go to my place, meet my baby, and have mimosas?”

“I thought you’d never fucking ask!” She grinned. “I want to hold that baby. Better yet, come to my place. We have lots of champagne and you can meet Karen properly.”

“Square deal. Text me the address. I’ll take an Uber from my place to yours. I don’t plan to get toasted, but I’m still not driving with my kid with any alcohol on board.”

“Smart man.”

~*~

“Chim,” Karen waved her champagne flute around, the most drunk of the three of them, “is a very loyal friend. It’s a super interesting thing to observe. We’re going to have to get him therapy. Proper therapy. No creepy perverts allowed.”

“Right,” Hen agreed. She wasn’t really tipsy. Sober enough that Buck felt comfortable with her cuddling Charlie, and Hen was super focused on the baby and checking every inch of her like she was the most precious thing on Earth.

“My point,” Karen added, “is that he’s super loyal, but he’s also got some weird values, so you appreciate his loyalty as your friend, but you want to throttle him because he’s a jerk too.”

“He’s not a jerk,” Hen defended.

“She’s loyal too,” Karen whispered loud enough for the neighbors to hear. “Anyway, it’s like having a friend who you love who is also a chronic shoplifter. You don’t stop loving them because of their criminal ways, but you also never go to the store with them, right?”

Buck nodded seriously. “Right.”

“He’s not a criminal,” Hen defended, not looking up from where she was cooing at Charlie.

“Do we ever introduce Chim to our female friends? No, we do not. And why is that, Hen? Because he lies to women. I know this, you know this, and we both hate it, and we would never do this to our other friends, so you tolerate that he does this to people you don’t know, and I never do couples nights with his girl of the month because it makes me feel gross.” She met Buck’s gaze. “But he’s great outside of relationships. And I hate the dichotomy. I want people to be great all the time. Like you. You seem great all the time.”

“I’m a slut, apparently.”

Before Hen could say anything, Karen made a hugely expansive gesture, waving that away. “Who cares? Do you have any idea what our slut phase was like? As long as you’re honest, have all the sex you want.”

“I had sex on the job.”

“Well, you shouldn’t do that.” She wagged her finger at him. “But that’s up to your supervisor to handle. Did he handle it?”

“Yep.”

“Wonderful! More mimosas for good management.” She poured from the pitcher, topping up everyone’s glass. Hers was empty, Buck’s was full, and Hen’s was between the two.

“Your baby is so cute,” Karen smiled soppily towards Charlie. “It’s terrible what was done to her. I can’t imagine hating your own child so much.” She perched her chin on her hand. “You ever have any doubts about what you’re doing?”

“Not a one.”

“Good. That’s very good. You be sure not to tell Chimney anything about her origins or what’s really going on until the adoption is finalized. He’s got a big mouth.” She sighed. “I do love that boy, but he’s a pain in my ass sometimes.”

“Karen!”

“He is. I love what a good friend he is to you, but I wish he was a better friend to himself.”

“I heard he really struggled after his brother nearly died on the job,” Buck mentioned casually.

“Oh yes. Kevin’s talked about when Chim’s drunk. Brother of his heart, really, but the people who raised Chim were Kevin’s biological parents. Kevin joined the 133, and Chim was at the 118. They were working the same structural fire, and the roof collapsed right in front of Chim, taking Kevin with it.

“You ever lose anyone like that?” Karen asked blearily.

“On the job, right in front of me? Yes, in SAR, but it’s not the same as when it’s your brother. I think my best frame of reference would be the woman who loved me like her own son. She left me her home when she died. She had an aneurysm. There were several, actually. But a major one in her neck ruptured. We were so far from any services. It didn’t matter how much training I had, there was nothing I could do for her. She died in my arms in the dirt driveway in the front of the ranch.”

Hen was the one to reach out and squeeze his arm. She had Charlie tucked up in her other arm, and Charlie was sound asleep.

“I can’t imagine losing someone as close as a Hen or Chim or DeKay…right in front of me. Someone even closer would be unbearable. I have a lot of sympathy. But as you said, two things can be true at once. Someone can be sympathetic and an asshole at the same time.”

Karen pointed at him and nodded. “I did not use those words, but I like those words. He is both sympathetic and an asshole.”

“Assholery, to a degree, is okay,” Buck said. “But there have to be common-sense limits.

“Preach! More mimosas!”

“More mimosa,” Buck agreed.

A moment later, “Henrietta, I’m out of champagne!”

“Do not call me Henrietta!”

~*~

Buck was pretty sure he was stone-cold sober when he climbed into the Uber. Over the course of two hours, he’d had one whole mimosa.

After getting Charlie’s seat properly secured, he dialed the number.

“Buck?” Bobby answered. “Everything okay?”

“I’m on my way to your place if you’re there.”

“I’m here. I was thinking of going to a meeting.”

“I know meetings are probably every thirty minutes within a few minutes of you, so I won’t feel too much like I’m throwing you off with my visit. Though if you tell me you need to make this meeting, I’ll understand.”

“No, it’s fine; I can go later.”

“In the interest of full disclosure, I want you to know I Googled you.”

“You what?”

“I mean, I was the only dumbass around who hadn’t Googled themselves, but I never Google anyone. Apparently, just a simple Google search isn’t even considered weird by most people.”

“I’m not sure I’d be considered most people. I think it’s a little invasive.”

“I’ll bet you do,” Buck muttered.

“Pardon?”

“I’ll bet,” Buck continued, “that several people on shift have Googled you and been too polite to bring up what they found, Robert Wade Nash, husband to Marcy, father to Brooke and Robert.”

“Do not—”

“I knew there was something going on, Bobby, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what. But I know what that kind of desolation looks like. I know it too well.”

“Buck. Do not come over here.”

“Too late. I need to come clean about some stuff, and I need you to meet someone.”

There was a pause. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, I admire you so much, and your words and advice just run around in my head on a loop sometimes. It’s made it hard to know what I should or shouldn’t tell you.”

“I’m not following, Buck. Not in the slightest.”

“You tell me to leave it at the door. To leave the patient and walk away, and not look back. Then you tell me not to let the job numb my emotions.”

“Buck, I—”

“You have this whole vibe like you’re building a family, but you keep yourself separate from it. And then at your house, you’ve built a prison.”

“Don’t talk about my family.”

“What is it, Bobby? What’s the actual answer? Keep it at the doors, walk away and never look back, or don’t let the job make you numb? Remember the ones you lost, or forget them as fast as you can?”

“Buck,” Bobby sounded strangled.

“Which is the real advice?” Buck pressed. “Numb or not?”

“I don’t want numb. Not for you. Never for you.”

“I’ll be there in five minutes. Be warned that I did the exact opposite of what you said to do, but I have no regrets, Bobby. Not one. I’d walk away from the job before I’d have an ounce of regret over this.”

“What in the world are you talking about?”

“I finally got some clarity about all the things I’ve been scared of, and I realized I just needed to come clean about everything. I couldn’t leave it at the doors. Just like I can’t leave you in your self-imposed prison without at least trying to say I fucking see you, Bobby.” He blew out a breath. “I’ll be there in a minute. Please don’t leave. You need to meet her.”

“Meet who?” Bobby sounded bewildered.

“You’ll see.” He hung up.

Charlie was fussing, but she wasn’t giving any of her indicators like she was hungry, and it would be a little weird if she were because Hen had fed her ninety minutes before they’d left the house. He slid his hand under her bottom just to check if her diaper needed changing, and it wasn’t that either.

So he leaned over and put his face right in front of her. “Am I just not paying enough attention to you, sweet pea?”

She stopped fussing and blinked, eyes tracking him.

“Yeah, sorry, baby girl. I know it’s rough when Daddy’s had a twenty-four. We should be having bonding time, but we need to go see Pops and get his head on straight. He’s being a goofball, and you’re pure magic.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Pretty sure you straightened Hen out. She even volunteered to babysit. Not that you’re short of babysitters.”

He bopped her nose. “Actually, she offered a kid swap for a day, so Denny could do boy stuff. I feel like that was incredibly self-serving of her. But whatever. I’ll grab Athena’s kid and Denny, drag ‘em both over to the house, and let them hang out with firefighters eating Fritos and playing Nintendo all weekend. She’ll have all the regrets.”

His Uber driver snorted with laughter.

Buck grinned at the guy in the rearview mirror.

“You want my boys too? I’ve got triplets.”

Buck laughed. “I’m going to wind up with all these boys at my house just so my friends can abscond with my daughter.”

“You a single dad?”

“Yeah, but I’m not doing it alone. All my friends chip in.” Buck smiled at Charlie, who seemed more content now that his hand was on her.

“The family we make is the one that matters.”

“Very true.”

They pulled up in front of Bobby’s apartment building, and the Uber driver looked into the backseat. “You want me to hang out for a bit? I only heard your half, but it didn’t sound like you were sure of your welcome.”

“Nah, we’re good. I mean, he’s at the ass end of LA compared to everyone else in my friend group, so I’m gonna be a jerk and make him drive me home.” Everyone was very similar distances from the station. Buck was east, Hen was southeast, but Bobby was dead west, which put him absolutely the farthest from Buck.

The driver laughed. “Good luck with that. And good luck to you and your family.”

“Thanks, man. Good luck with those three boys.”

“I drive the car to get some peace and quiet,” he shot back with a smile.

“Good strategy.” Buck chuckled as he finished getting the seat out. He draped a sunshield blanket over the seat because the sun was intense, even though it was only the 2nd day of February, and it wasn’t very hot yet.

He waved to the driver once he had his bag slung over his shoulder and was headed up to Bobby’s place.

Bobby let him in, a stony expression on his face, then his gaze immediately dropped to the baby carrier in Buck’s hand, and he blinked furiously. “What is going on?”

“You going to let us in, or what?”

Looking poleaxed, Bobby stepped back so Buck could enter.

Buck set the baby seat on the dining table, which fortunately no longer had place settings for the dead on it. He pulled off the sun blanket and got a scrunched-up face. “Oh, don’t give me the grouchy face, sweet pea, or I’ll have to find you a nickname with grouchy in it. No sun for you.”

She wrinkled her nose more and took a shuddery breath.

“Oh, that’s not even the issue. I’m sorry, Charlie.” He freed her from her seat and settled her against his chest, patting her back. “Daddy just did a twenty-four and hasn’t spent enough time with you yet.” He pressed a kiss to the side of her head, swaying back and forth. She pressed her face against his throat.

“Buck?” Bobby sounded strangled. “Why aren’t you taking leave…?”

“She’s starting to act like she’s hungry. There are travel bottles and a portable warmer in the end saddle compartment. Could you heat her bottle?”

Bobby blinked but then got to work. The portable warmer had been a sudden gift from Marcus, and Buck already loved it. At first, it had seemed really frivolous, but it was so much easier to get her bottles warmed up when he wasn’t at home. Charlie hated room temp formula, so getting it warm was a necessity.

Bobby heated the formula easily enough, though he seemed a little mystified by how much things had changed or something. Then he deftly checked the formula temp and passed the bottle to Buck.

Buck took a seat on the sofa as he got Charlie situated. He got some fussing for the change in position until he gave her the bottle, and she latched on like she hadn’t eaten just a couple of hours ago. He frowned and rubbed his hand over her hair. “I think I should handle your first feed after a shift, eh? Or no new people. Based on how hungry you are, you didn’t take that last bottle well.”

Bobby sat down on the coffee table right in front of Buck. “You have a daughter?”

“Charlotte.”

“Charlotte.” Bobby’s expression softened. “She looks like she’s about a month old…?”

“Month old yesterday, yeah.”

Bobby nodded. “And you weren’t telling me about her, because…?”

“I’m adopting her.”

“Adopting.”

“Yes. It will be finalized in about two to three months.”

“That’s fast.” There was no judgment in Bobby’s tone.

“It’s a private adoption. The mother gave up her rights and signed over custody to me. I’ve already been through the home study and stuff.”

“So, this has been in the works for a while?”

“No.”

“No?”

“The day I texted you for emergency PTO is the day it started.

Bobby rubbed his hand over his face. “I’m really lost here, kid.”

“I know.”

“Want to help me out?”

Charlie finished her bottle at starving-person speed, and Buck gave her a look. “Do I need to make you another bottle, you little monster? Let’s get the air out of you and see how you do.” He threw the burp cloth over his shoulder and began gently patting her back. She almost immediately let out a huge burp.

He side-eyed her. “That was fast.” He kept gently rubbing and patting just to be sure she’d gotten it all up. He looked back at Bobby, who had a soft expression on his face. “I was worried you’d fire me if you knew about Charlie.”

“You thought I’d fire you if I knew you were adopting? The timing isn’t ideal in terms of your career, but I wouldn’t fire you over it. I assume there were extenuating circumstances, and these things happen when they happen; sometimes our careers take a back seat.”

“Mm-hm.” Buck sighed.

“Why would you think I’d fire you?”

“You know her.”

“I do?”

“In fact, you held her before I did.”

Bobby frowned.

“When she came to me, her name was Baby Samaras, because her birth mother couldn’t bear to name her. For now, her name is legally Charlotte Samaras, but when the adoption goes through, it will be Charlotte Buckley. I’ll give her a middle name when I re-do her birth certificate.”

“Samaras,” Bobby repeated slowly.

“We rescued her from a pipe on January first, and two weeks later, her mother showed up on my doorstep begging me to adopt Charlie.”

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut. “And you said yes.”

“Of course I said yes. The 118 were the first people this little girl ever had in her corner, and I know what it’s like to live unwanted. And…I love her.”

“And you thought I’d fire you over this?”

“I didn’t know. I certainly showed I can’t be objective about my job.”

Bobby’s eyes were wet as he shook his head. “Buck… This isn’t the job. When teenage victims follow you home and beg you to adopt their unwanted babies. That is not the job. I don’t even know what that is. But how you respond to it is just a matter of character, and I think you’re doing okay.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I knew it was time you met Charlie. And it was definitely time that I told you what was going on. Well, there’s a whole lot more going on. But it would take forever to get through it all.”

“What’s most important, you think?”

Buck scrunched up his nose. “I’m not sure…?”

“Take a stab at it.”

“Wow. Bad choice of words.”

Bobby raised his eyebrows.

“I mean, the thing we most need to talk about, I really don’t want to discuss until next week. I need some space from it, but I guess it’s worth mentioning that her CPS case worker tried to kill me on Monday.”

Bobby choked on air. Like full-on choked until he had to get up and get water and came back with bloodshot eyes. “I need you to roll that back and tell me it’s not as bad as that sounded.”

“It’s a long story, but the police made it in time. Unfortunately, they did have to shoot her to keep her from stabbing me, but she survived!” Buck quickly clarified.

Bobby’s mouth was hanging open. “Someone actually tried to kill you on Monday, like with deadly weapons, police involvement, and gunshots.” He frowned. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“Um. Well, first off, I couldn’t do that without explaining Charlie, and second off, the plane crash was Saturday.”

“Right.” Bobby rubbed his hand over his face and switched to sitting on the sofa beside Buck. “I’m sorry about all of that yesterday.”

“Why? You asked for help, right?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to keep letting us help?”

Bobby frowned. “I’ll try.”

“Then that’s all that matters. Now, most importantly, you need to meet Charlie before she goes into her post-food coma.” He set her down in his lap, and she immediately zeroed in on his face. “Hey, sweet pea. You feeling less cranky now?”

“She definitely knows your voice.”

“I talk to her all the time. The mom was just leaving her in a basket in the bedroom and ignoring her. I think she was touch starved.” Buck stroked his hand over her head and then took both her hands. “But we’ll have none of that, right? You’ll always have as many hugs as you want.”

She suddenly smiled.

Buck blinked. “Did she smile at me? She’s too young for a real smile, right? I’ve seen reflex smiles when she sleeps or if you rub her tummy, but that was—”

Charlie suddenly smiled again.

“Oh my god…”

“Buck,” Bobby laughed, “some babies start smiling at around a month old. Brook did. She’s smiling because it’s you.”

“Oh.” Buck started to cry. “I think this is the best moment of my life. I can’t believe you smiled at me, sweet pea.”

“I took a picture,” Bobby said softly.

“Thank you,” Buck said, unable to look away. But Charlie seemed done with her smiles and was just looking around, occasionally looking in Bobby’s direction. Buck lifted her up, cradling the back of her head. “I love you so much, Charlotte. And I have someone very important for you to meet. This is Captain Robert Nash, and he takes care of your dad when he’s at work. He’s trying very hard to keep me from being a dumbass.

“Everyone calls him Bobby, and he was the very first person in the world to hold you with care. So, here we go. Charlotte, meet Bobby. Bobby, this is Charlotte.” He passed Charlie into Bobby’s arms.

Bobby took her and smiled down at Charlie. “She’s perfect. I think of her a lot, you know. Wondering how she is and if she made it through. It’s an unbelievable gift to be able to hold her.” He gave Buck a look as he settled back into the sofa, holding Charlie with obvious long experience with babies. “I’m proud of you, you know?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, kid. Of course. Every day. But I’m going to need you to start at the beginning, at least in regard to this person who tried to kill you.”

“That’s still a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

Buck settled in to explain not just the absurd story of Danielle Coburn, but the story of how he and Charlie had become a family and how that family was growing every day since.

The End

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