Reading Time: 103 Minutes

Title: Time of the Season
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1, SWAT, Code Black
Genre: Contemporary, Crossover, Drama, First Time, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Lou Ransone
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Violence-Graphic. Canon-level violence, Canon-level circumstances, Canon-level angst. Mild character bashing. Explicit Sex. A smidge of kink towards the end.
Author Note: See note tabs on main page for expansion of season 8 canon info, and also full playlist.
Beta: Ladyholder
Word Count: 98,000
Summary: Evan’s trying to get his best friend moving to Texas off his mind. Lou is trying to distract himself from a case that he shouldn’t be working on, even as a case from his past haunts him. They run into each other and spend an evening in easy conversation. That should be the end of it, but talking for them is easy, and when life gets increasingly complex and sometimes disastrous, they turn to one another. In their own way, they each need to let go of the past in order to move forward, and sometimes that’s easier with someone who understands you.
Artist: didbuckygetaplum

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Chapter Five

Athena found him in a small garden area near a manicured pond. It was too dark to see much that the streetlights didn’t illuminate, but he’d been here enough times to remember the pond, the benches, and where every little bush was located.

She sat next to him and didn’t say much for a long time. “How long have you two been dating?”

Lou looked over at her. “We’re not dating.”

Her eyebrow went up.

“We’ve talked about it. I think we both want to, but I needed him to be clear about his feelings about some unresolved relationships.”

“Which is why he had his weird conversation with Tommy tonight?”

“I did not know he had a weird conversation with Tommy tonight.” He cocked his head to the side. “Though I think there’s some less-than-faithful recounting of what was said. Evan was probably clear on what he felt and was using hearing Tommy’s voice again to ensure he was right that he was over it. He has some very specific associations to sounds in how he processes things.”

Evan had told him recently about confirming he had some form of eidetic memory that was related to sound. How his brain worked to process and store information seemed fascinating to Lou, but he could understand why Evan wouldn’t want to feel like someone’s research project. One thing that was absolutely clear about how his brain worked, memory or not, was that he had to talk things out. He didn’t process well in his own mind.

“And my boy doesn’t have it in him to be spiteful and tell Tommy off. I take it you know more of what was said in their breakup conversation than most of us?”

“Apparently, Josh knows everything that was said, but I think I know most of it, yes.” Lou had met Josh a time or two in the course of his work, and the dispatch supervisor hadn’t made much of an impression, but he’d risen a notch or two in Lou’s estimation for being a friend of Evan’s. “And I agree with Evan that there was a fair bit Tommy didn’t want to know or understand, and while he may have misunderstood some things that were said on Evan’s side, there is a distinct difference between lack of understanding and a misunderstanding.”

“I think I understand the distinction being drawn, even if I don’t have the details. Regardless, Eddie will likely tell Tommy what happened today at some point,” Athena said. “Regardless of what anyone says.”

“I figured he would; he seems to think he knows what’s best. At least, when he’s bothering to pay attention.”

Athena shot him a sharp look. “That was a little snarky.”

“Eddie has been very wrapped up in his own issues for a long time.”

“Well, there’s been a lot going on for Eddie.”

“Uh-huh.”

“There’s something you’re not saying.”

“Rewind and try to look at it objectively—honestly, with more objectivity than I could—who has been there, absorbing the body blows life throws at Diaz from the beginning? Who has stayed hooked on Diaz’s line, letting himself get reeled in as close as necessary when Diaz needed him and then suffering being pushed away when Diaz had a replacement or didn’t have need, for like seven years.

“Who knows what’s been going on for Diaz better than absolutely anyone on Earth. And who, if things were remotely balanced, should know everything that’s going on for Evan? You can’t tell me that Evan hasn’t been through the wars in that same period of time. Because the public file alone is a nightmare.

“Who cancels his dates for Diaz or his kid, who covers the shifts of the people Diaz swapped with so Diaz can attend school functions or medical appointments. I mean, you tell me how this doesn’t look like a marriage with none of the privileges for one person. And Evan doesn’t have it in him to be resentful because he honestly loves the other two sides of this family of three, but the rest of y’all seem to forget when it’s convenient that Evan was a part of that family now that it’s fallen apart.

“From the outside, it looks unhealthy as fuck, but I try not to judge other people’s relationships, and there are a lot of atypical family units these days. How Diaz and Evan feel about their thing is between them, but the way the rest of you give preferential treatment to Eddie’s angst over Evan’s, is pretty much bullshit.

“I don’t even fault Diaz because Evan let this situation come to pass; he encouraged it, so to some degree it’s a situation of his own making, but when a marriage falls apart, people tend to look at both sides as having lost something, but everyone just looks at Evan as being disloyal for being upset that his family is gone.”

Lou got to his feet, noting how Athena’s brow was furrowed in the way that meant she was thinking. “Now, it’s my obligation to be on Evan’s side, as his friend if nothing else. But if he can sort out his thing with Diaz, I intend to romance him until he never thinks about another man again. I try not to be blinded to people’s faults, but I’m just not seeing Evan’s fuckup here other than letting people convince him that he somehow has divine powers to make things go wrong.”

Athena looked fully confused by that.

“Get him to explain it to you. It’s utterly baffling hearing him explain how every time something is going wrong in his life, if he tries to talk about it, people tell him he’s making everything about himself. Weird.”

“What’s the thing he needs to straighten out about Eddie?” Athena asked, clearly trying to put the whole puzzle together. Just like a good cop.

“I need him to be straight in his own head about whether he’s grieving over losing his platonic life partner, who never recognized the family they’d built, or whether he’s upset the man he’s in love with is moving away.”

Athena sucked in a sharp breath. “Did you say that to Buck?”

Lou nodded.

“You’re such an ass. I hate how blunt you are sometimes, though I can’t say it’s not needed at times.” She made a face. “I’ll think about what you said.”

“I wasn’t even blunt tonight.”

“I’ve had a rough day. You can be blunt with me some other time.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” He hesitated. “How’d you know?”

“Roseanna asked if he wanted anyone to stay overnight, and he said no. Then asked softly, when he thought no one could hear, if you were coming to visit, because you could stay.” Athena gave him a searching look. “I talked to Roseanna and gave her your direct number. She’s going to call you when she’s sent everyone else home for the night, and she’s going to tell them no visitors until morning hours start at eight. Not even Maddie, who has now called three times. Roseanna has explained to Maddie after one call that Buck needs to sleep now and no more calls will connect with his room, that I have his medical proxy and have not authorized any exceptions to the visitor policy.

“Except I have. She’ll call you.” Athena waved him away. “Go. I need to percolate. Have some food and coffee. It’ll be at least an hour.”

~*~

As difficult as it was, Lou took the time to go home to clean up and change. Despite having changed earlier, he knew he didn’t get all the blood off, no matter how much he’d scrubbed in the bathroom at the station. And he wouldn’t get it off until he’d properly showered.

He found one of his best friends camped out on his front porch, smoking a cigar. “He never writes, he never calls….”

Lou leaned tiredly against his front railing. “Hondo.” His friend was the Sergeant of one of the best SWAT teams in the LAPD, and the demanding nature of both of their jobs meant text messages were about ninety percent of their contact.

“Lots of rumors, no facts out there. Just checking on you, man.”

“Yeah. What’s the worst rumor?”

“You killed a cop tonight.”

“No… Shot her in the arm, though. She lost said arm about two hours ago.”

“I see.” Hondo stubbed out what was left of the cigar. “I know you, so I know it was righteous.”

Lou nodded and walked up onto the porch. “Come on in. Under the spare clothes I kept in my desk, I’m covered in blood. Let me shower real quick. Make yourself at home; you know where everything is.”

He was immediately assaulted by his incredibly oversized Maine Coon. “Albert.” Lou leaned down and picked him up. “Of course you picked tonight to be affectionate.” He scratched behind Albert’s ears, right where he liked, then passed him to Hondo.

“He’s so fucking heavy.”

“I’ll be right back. If you put him down before he’s ready, we’ll never hear the end of it.”

There was less dried blood on his arms than he expected, but he’d never realized how much had soaked through his slacks, so it took him a minute to scrub off all traces of blood. It was more than likely Evan’s blood that had soaked his clothing. The injuries Braeburn had sustained had caused arterial spray all over the kitchen, but he’d gotten the tourniquet on quickly, so there hadn’t been pools of blood the way there had been for Evan.

After he scrubbed away the blood, he let the hot water run over his face, trying to wash away the memory.

When he was dressed in track pants and a long-sleeve t-shirt, opting for comfort in case he wound up sleeping in a hospital chair, he rejoined Hondo in the living room, who had Albert sprawled across his lap, belly up, as he was sometimes wont to do, demanding his belly be brushed.

Hondo had given in on the brushing, so Lou just tossed the lint roller that would inevitably be needed onto the sofa as well.

“He only demands the belly brushing from you and me.”

“I’m so honored,” Hondo said dryly.

Lou sprawled out in his favorite chair, letting the tension ease away, noting the cup of tea with the lid Hondo had prepared for him. “Thanks for this.”

Hondo inclined his head. “Want to fill me in?”

“It goes back further than tonight.”

“It would have to.”

“To something not even related to the case.”

Hondo shot him an interested look, but didn’t reply.

“Remember how I got into tea?”

“You were always more likely to drink tea than coffee, but I guess it used to be whatever black tea they had in the breakroom.” Hondo frowned. “You mean that gift basket after Hudson’s freaky fan attorney fucked you up?”

Lou nodded.

“You never would say who sent that to you, but you guarded that Tupelo honey like it was pure gold.”

“Doesn’t crystalize, tastes amazing, and once I found out that tiny bottle I had cost about forty dollars, you heathens weren’t having any of it.”

“That microscopic bottle cost forty bucks?”

Lou just stared back.

“Hell, I wouldn’t have let Deacon have any either, but I’m your best friend.”

“And you barely tolerate tea. But I promise the next time you get a cold I’ll make you a great cup of tea.”

“I never catch colds.”

“Guess I’m off the hook then.”

“All right. Tell me about the tea basket. You never told us who it was from.”

“Evan Buckley.”

Hondo frowned. “The firefighter? The one Deacon exchanges recipes with and won’t let babysit his kids but still brings to some of our community outreach events?”

“Is that what they text about? Recipes?”

“At least sometimes, yeah. Also pretty sure that’s where half of Deacon’s cat memes come from.”

“Huh. And, yes, same firefighter. And I’ve seen the kid thing in action. It’s weird. If I believed in magical powers, I’d say his is that kids just like him. No apparent reason.”

“So, Buckley sends you tea and honey after Hudson’s attorney had her moment, and you’ve been keeping in touch?”

“Nope. Not even a little bit.”

“Okay, I’m confused.”

“Back up before the tea…” Lou hesitated. “I detained him and a friend of his who were looking into a missing person’s case. They actually found some good evidence it was a kidnapping, but rather than call the police, they decided to—”

“Ah, the rookie detective game.”

“Bingo. So we detained them. Me and Athena Grant. Athena and I joke that we arrested them, but they were never under arrest. We really just kept them at the station long enough to figure out what they knew, which in Evan’s case was more than he realized. Anyway, he helped solve the case. I’d actually been toying with the idea of asking him out—”

“Oh ho… It was like that, was it?”

Lou shrugged. “Attraction for sure. Nothing serious back then. A few weeks later, though…”

“What?”

Lou grabbed his tablet. He’d reviewed the footage more than a few times that the LAPD had collected of that first scene. He pulled up the right video, set to only need to hit play. “Diaz, his work partner, was the one shot. Evan is the one in civvies.” He handed over his iPad.

Hondo watched the video without expression, then watched it again. “First shooting, I take it?”

“Yeah.”

“That’d put them under a lot of pressure for a while.”

“Mm.”

“I seem to recall your run-in with Hudson’s nutball attorney was only a few months after that serial sniper.”

Lou nodded. “Romance certainly wasn’t on my mind for a good while after.” His hand drifted to the scar along his throat. “Still, he reached out and sent me that tea. Kept him weirdly in the forefront of my mind. Every time Athena would mention her boys’ exploits, I’d pay more attention than I should, so I knew the year was a hard one for him.” Lou shook his head. “I think it was maybe a year after I’d started to recover my voice when Athena mentioned Evan was in a coma due to a lightning strike.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. I just sort of filed it away as like Charlie Brown level of bad luck. Fast forward to a few nights ago… I’m down the street at MJ’s and there’s Evan, stirring a Mai Tai like it had the answers to the universe. I needed to get out of my own head, he looked like he needed to talk, so I decided to insert myself into his whole situation.”

“What was going on with you?”

“Something about Braeburn’s cases was bugging me, and I was debating whether or not to follow up on it.”

“Braeburn?” Hondo’s eyebrows shot all the way up. “Wait. Is that whose arm you took off? Holy fuck, Lou.”

“Well, pretty sure she’s a serial killer, so…”

“Double holy fuck.”

“But that’s between us because I am not supposed to be talking about this case.”

“You know nothing said tonight leaves this house.” Hondo took a deep breath, continuing to brush Albert’s tummy. “What were you debating? When have you ever debated following your gut?”

“Honestly? Since Hudson’s attorney got one over on me.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. I needed to stop going around in circles in my own mind, doubting myself, and I figured hearing someone else’s problems…” He shrugged. “It probably helps that I know, at least tangentially, most of the parties, so I wasn’t lost, and it made the story more interesting.

“And the more he talked, the more interested I became. I won’t break his confidence, but it was so perfectly human in the best way. Caring about people too much. Not in a creepy stalker way, but in a ‘how do I say goodbye’ kind of way. Plus lost love angst, hopes for the future, coupled with typical family drama.”

“And what caught your interest, because I can tell you’re caught.”

“God, he’s got good taste in music.”

“Seriously? He’s more than a decade younger than you.”

“I asked him what his favorite Elvis song was. He didn’t want to tell me because he said it was cliché.”

“Love Me Tender?”

Lou laughed. “That was my guess too. No, Suspicious Minds.”

“Ooh good pick, and why is that cliché?”

“I have no idea. Some day I’m going to understand where he goes when he gets self-deprecating, but today is not that day. Anyway, he’s sold on Stevie Ray Vaughn as best blues guitarist, but says Albert King is, and I quote ‘righteous.’”

Hondo started to grin. “Does he know your cat’s full name is Albert King?”

“No.”

Hondo wiggled his eyebrows and continued to brush Albert King’s pale fur.

“His taste in country is awful, but I’m not a huge country fan, so I can deal.”

“So he shares your penchant for music?”

“I think he likes it more than I do. He connects it to life events even more profoundly, I think. He has very visceral memories around music. Most people do to some degree, but he really remembers what song was playing in the background at key moments in his life.”

“Interesting. Who does he think is the best rock vocalist?”

“He refuses to choose. I asked him to pick between Freddie Mercury and Steve Perry, and he went silent for a long time, then asked why Brad Delp wasn’t in the running. Later, he said making him choose would be a criminal act, and I should consider it a cry for help if he ever makes a choice.”

Hondo burst out laughing. “So you two bonded over music?”

“It was an easy segue to even easier conversations. Something I didn’t know I needed. He reminded me to trust myself. That if something bad happens because I was right about the facts or because I was in the right place, it doesn’t mean I should stop trusting myself. I didn’t get too much into the Hudson-slash-attorney thing, but he told me how he and Diaz wound up on the street that day. They weren’t even supposed to be there. They were before the start of their shift. Diaz had been chasing clues in a Munchausen-by-proxy case, and they went to check on the kid in question.

“They could have done a lot of different things. They could have had someone else check on the kid. But Evan said Diaz got to work early because he wanted to follow up with the kid directly, and he decided to go with him. That’s why he was in civilian clothes—Diaz was already prepared for work, but Evan wasn’t. They got permission to take the command truck in case they weren’t back before the start of their shift.

“When they arrived, the kid had figured out on his own that his mother had been poisoning him and poisoned her in return. But he didn’t know how much to use and made her really sick instead of doing to her what she’d been doing to him, so he had to call an ambulance for her. They arrived when another station was there to treat the mother.

“They chased all the right clues, doing something that was outside of their job, and they wound up in the street, talking about what had just happened and planning to go back to their station. Then Diaz is shot. You’ve seen the compilation video.

“Evan’s perspective is that they could have done something different, but someone would still have been shot.”

“True, but it’s unlikely anyone else would have survived that kind of wound without someone to pull them off the street. Diaz survived because Buckley got him out of there. That was a more military-type maneuver than what I’d expect from a firefighter. They’re explicitly trained to stay back when there’s live fire.”

“Yeah, I had to point out to him that them sending someone else and staying at their station likely would have resulted in someone’s death, but he doesn’t see it that way. In any case, his point to me was that you can’t make everything pure cause and effect because you can never know. The situations aren’t the same, but he’s not wrong. It’s too easy for me to get wrapped around the axle and second-guess myself and not act since Hudson.”

“So, you’re saying you had some questions about Braeburn, and you’ve been sitting on it?”

“Her record didn’t make sense to me. The closure rate spoke to the type of cop solving their own crimes, but some of the crimes she didn’t solve also didn’t make a lot of sense.”

“Hmm.” Hondo tilted his chin up. “So what’d you do?”

“Started combing through her cases. Every night, putting together clues. I was also tracking her movements when I could get away with it.

“There’d been a case recently brought to her by Maddie Han, she’s a dispatcher and, incidentally, Evan’s sister. It was a 9-1-1 call. So, I notice Braeburn is outside of Mrs. Han’s house for hours, and I start to get a little suspicious. Like, is this case Mrs. Han brought to Braeburn one of the ones that isn’t supposed to be solved?”

“You think Braeburn is a serial?”

“I think she’s something…”

“Okay. What happened?”

“I head over there to get eyes on, and there’s Evan’s Jeep on the street. The house is dark. And then I hear a gunshot.”

“Jesus. What the fuck happened?”

“According to Evan’s spontaneous statement at the time, he arrived to a dark house, the front door unlocked, and he entered to find his sister unconscious on the kitchen floor with a masked figure over her, holding a rag to her mouth.

“He tackled the assailant, not knowing it was a police officer, and a well-trained one at that. He wound up shot in the gut for his efforts. That’s what I heard when I arrived. I entered to find Braeburn kneeling over Evan, her gun to his forehead, ranting about how she had to do this, that it had to be done.

“She honestly seemed unhinged. I had the recording feature going on my phone the whole time, but I told her several times to put her gun down, and she refused. Stupidly, she turned the gun my direction, and rather than shoot her in the head, I took her gun arm.”

“With your .45?”

“Yep.”

“Ouch.”

Lou shrugged.

“How are the siblings?”

“Sister had a mild concussion, and Braeburn was apparently old school and had exposed her to chloroform, so they’re keeping her overnight for observation since she’s a few months pregnant. Evan apparently had a lucky wound. Other than the size of the exit wound, it hit almost nothing except nicking the splenic artery. He lost a lot of blood, but since they got to him in time, he’ll be fine in a few weeks.”

“Okay, and how are you doing?”

“I don’t know. It’s been less than two weeks, and I’m way too invested. We aren’t even dating.”

“Mm.” Hondo gave him a considering look. “If it’s the right one, it doesn’t matter if it’s two days, two weeks, or two years.”

“It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other for actual years.”

“People have to come together at the right time; you know that. Your lives led you to that moment at MJ’s. You had your moment, and you both took the moment. What are you going to do now? Take hold of it with both hands and don’t let go, or walk away?”

“He has some baggage in his life he needed to clear up before we could date.”

“Okay. Was he working on it?”

“Yeah,” Lou conceded. “Pretty determinedly. Like it was a mission.”

“That should tell you everything, Lou. Even if he hasn’t put the words out there yet, he’s invested.”

“That’s what it looks like from the outside, yes.”

“But you need to hear the words…?”

“Of course I do.” Lou’s phone buzzed, startling him.

Roseanna Keen: Detective, all visitors have been sent home. Mr. Buckley is ready for you to visit him whenever you wish. Just check in with the main surgical ICU nursing station and ask for the charge nurse for Mr. Buckley.

Lou: I’m at home. Just finished showering. I’ll be about 25 minutes.

Roseanna Keen: Take your time. He’s due for pain medication in about an hour, and he should sleep until then. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you when he wakes ahead of his medication.

“Everything okay?”

Lou nodded. “I need to leave for the hospital soon. Evan’s next of kin arranged for me to visit him after hours. Oh, I should grab a little speaker…” he muttered as he hopped to his feet.

“Speaker?” Hondo asked as Lou dug around in his electronics cabinet, finding a small Bluetooth speaker. He also grabbed a cable, a charger, and a few other necessities.

“We’ve been exchanging songs every day.”

“Songs?”

“Yeah. For instance, today we each picked a song for the other that charted the year the other was born. It has to be a song we like. That’s really the only requirement.”

“What’d you two pick?”

Lou hesitated.

“Everything in the house is between us,” Hondo reiterated.

“He picked We’ve Got Tonight by Bob Seger for me, and I picked Get Here by Oleta Adams for him.”

Hondo stared. “You two are in so deep.”

“Hondo.”

“What other themes have you had?”

“Yesterday was major career year, so the year we each graduated from our respective academies—2005 and 2017.”

“Songs?”

“I picked Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay.”

“Not bad,” Hondo conceded. 2017 wasn’t a great year in music, to be honest, in Lou’s opinion.

“He’s a fan of Coldplay.”

“There are worse modern bands.”

“True.”

“What’d he pick for you?” Hondo asked, head cocked to the side, still slow brushing Albert, who seemed like he was never going to move from his backward sprawl over Hondo’s lap.

“Uh…Mockingbird by Eminem.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. I don’t really enjoy rap, and he knows that, but he said I should just listen to the lyrics.”

“Why?”

“We’d briefly talked about the general tone of our relationship with our parents, and I’d mentioned, after some stark honesty on his part, that even though my dad was gone a lot, I’d always felt close to him. I always knew my dad was trying—making an effort. I knew he cared. My mother was just…absent emotionally until she was gone for good physically. My father was everything to me. I didn’t get into details but, yeah. Mockingbird was like someone reaching through time and hearing from my dad…” Lou shook his head. “I still don’t like rap, though.”

“It’s one of Em’s best songs, though. Rock solid choice for anyone who had a good relationship with their father or who wants to be a good father. It’s deep.” Hondo stared at him for a few moments. “So, you two are using music to strip each other bare? That’s a little masochistic.”

Lou laughed. “I guess. Although that wasn’t the intent. We talk about our experiences around music, and it just goes there sometimes. He doesn’t shy away from telling me the most intense things connected to a song or a record he heard. It’s a kind of stark honesty that I think I’ve always needed from someone.”

“I can see that about you. You don’t like the bullshit filter.” Hondo pointed at him. “You should tell him that, though. Let him know that his honesty and the unfiltered way he speaks to you is part of the appeal. You never know when someone is going to try to give him some helpful advice, and he’ll start trying to act differently.” Hondo made a face. “Like a girl who orders a perfectly normal meal and eats like a healthy human and then one of her friends gives her a helpful ‘tip’ and suddenly she starts ordering nothing but a bit of kale salad and water and pretending like she’s never eaten anything but a cracker in her life.”

Lou laughed. “I gotta run, man. Thanks for showing up. Will you finish dealing with his royal highness?”

“Yeah, I’ll get his majesty all primped up and then lock up on my way out.”

Lou could set his security remotely after he’d gotten the notification that his door had closed. “Thanks, Hondo.”

“It’s never easy to go through this, but no matter what rumors are circulating, people know you, Lou.”

“They’re bringing in the FBI.”

“To investigate you?”

Lou shook his head. “To ascertain the serial killer aspect of it all.”

“That’s actually good. The sooner they clear you, the better in my books. If the department hired a serial killer, they can take the black eye and move on. The fact that one of their own caught her should be enough mitigation.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“Damn right. Now get out of here and go take care of your boy.”

“He’s only twelve years younger than me.”

“Ugh. We agreed not to pick up twinks in bars.”

“He’s not a twink,” Lou said while laughing.

“Agree to disagree.”

Lou made a dismissive gesture. “You’ll tell Deacon who’s in the hospital?”

“Yeah. He might show up tomorrow, or he might send another gift basket. Maybe he’ll relax his stance on the kids.”

Lou grinned.

~*~

It only took a few months in uniform before any compunction about eavesdropping completely left you. Cops didn’t give a damn about overhearing someone else’s conversation. Certainly, most tried to draw the line between personal and professional, but the habit of trying to glean information wherever they could was one they carried with them always. So, when Lou heard a familiar voice in the parking garage, he stopped behind a large concrete pillar and waited.

“Honestly, man, I didn’t mean to drag you down here for nothing. I figured they’d let him have another visitor or two, but they said no more visitors tonight because he’s sleeping. Just come back after eight, when morning visiting hours begin, and you can see him then.” Diaz’s voice was easy enough for him to recognize.

“I’m not even sure I should be here, Eddie. He and I aren’t together anymore. It just startled me so much when you said he’d been shot, mere hours after I’d talked to him… I couldn’t help but come down here. I don’t even know what I’d say if I did get in there to see him.”

“I always figured you two would get back together. I don’t even know what went wrong. You seemed so good as a couple; you were both happy. I don’t know…it seemed like if we all just gave it some time, you guys would work it out.”

“Sometimes that would cross my mind, in a fairytale sort of way. That we’d both resolve all our issues, realize we were still in love, and come back together again, but that is not the impression I got from that phone call. It very much had the vibe of ‘I’m moving on and making sure I made the right call to never speak to you again.’”

“Well, if he was making sure, all you had to do was give him something to think about, and you didn’t do that!” Eddie said firmly.

“I offered to get together and talk, and he was completely uninterested.”

“He’s got some narrative in his head about something. I’ll talk to him and get him to call you. If you two have a chance to work it out, you deserve to sit down and talk through the issues, right? At least have a conversation.”

“I’m good with talking, but I’m not sure our problems can be resolved, Eddie, so please don’t put that expectation in his head, or anyone else’s, for that matter. He’s not wrong that there was too much left unsaid.”

“Like what?”

“It’s not worth talking about right now. Maybe never. It’s up to Ev-Buck if he wants to hear it.”

“You can call him Evan.”

“No, I can’t. I made the choice to call him Buck when I broke up with him, and he’s asked me to stick to it. I don’t have the right anymore to push boundaries with him. Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you getting involved in our relationship when you’re most of the way out the door on your way to living in another state is kind of bullshit.”

There was a long pause, and then a heavy sigh. “I just worry about him. Not that I don’t worry about you, too, but Buck seems kind of lost lately. Or something is different. And I really did keep expecting you two to take some time apart and then fix it.”

“And I figured he’d follow you to Texas, so I guess neither of us read him right.”

“Why would he follow me to Texas?”

“Really, Eddie? For seven years he’s been an integral part of your family. I’m not just talking about your best bro, but the other parent for your kid. The guy who walks out on dates if your kid stubs his toe.

“Chris moving to Texas ripped his heart out of his chest. Even if you two never had romantic inclinations towards one another, yeah, I really expected him to follow you to Texas. All the family that really matters to him is there. So, I was really fucking confused when he seemed baffled by the idea of going to Texas with you.

“Anyway, I gotta go. I have a shift in the morning, and it’s getting late. Thanks for letting me know about Buck. I’ll see if I can get time off during a lull to swing by and check on him. If not, when my official pilot hours are logged out, I can probably take an hour off shift and drop by.”

There was a silence from Eddie, and Lou wasn’t sure what that was about.

“You okay, Eddie? You’re just staring at me.”

“I just hadn’t considered how the situation with Chris was affecting Buck, and now I feel kind of like an ass. I want to go back in there, but the nurse made it clear she’s not letting anyone else in.”

“He just had surgery, so he needs to sleep. Get some rest yourself; you really need it. Don’t even go back to that house by yourself—there’s too many fucking ghosts. Take Nash up on the offer to be with them.”

“Chim might be there.” Which was a fair point. The Han home wouldn’t be cleared as a crime scene for at least a day or two.

“Howie isn’t leaving his wife’s bedside until she’s discharged, and then you know he’ll probably be at Hen’s. Just go get some sleep in a place you feel safe. Deal with all the emotional landmines tomorrow, all right?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“And, seriously, thanks for letting me know. Even if I don’t make it in to see him, let him know I tried…?”

“Will do. Thanks, Tommy.”

“Yeah. Basketball this weekend, and then I’ll help you pack.”

“Square deal.”

Lou went down the ramp in the parking garage, which was the long way into the hospital, since he’d have to circle around the whole exterior of the parking structure, but he wouldn’t cross paths with anyone headed to their vehicles.

Chapter Six

He went to sign in at the surgical ICU desk, and Roseanna Keen was there making notes in patient records. She smiled at him. “Evening, Detective Dreamy.”

“Nurse Keen.”

“You know where the patient ice machine is?”

He nodded.

“There’s a patient refrigerator in there as well. He can have clear juices and sodas. No dark sodas, and no cranberry juice until tomorrow. It’s just a precaution on the very rare chance he needs another surgery due to an injury to the digestive tract that was missed. All liquids are to tolerance. Just note how much he’s actually consumed if you bring anything in for him; there’s a place to note it by the bed. You know we nurses love someone who is helpful and quiet with our patients on the overnights. Linens are across the hall if he needs more pillows or blankets. Yourself as well, for that matter. Though I left a pillow and blanket in the recliner by the bed.

“There is a coffee maker in the staff lounge. You’re welcome to use it if you’re respectful and don’t leave the pot dry. I’ve described you to the rest of the night shift, and we’re all in agreement. No coffee for Buck. I don’t care how much he brings out the puppy eyes.

“There are vending machines further down the hall with snacks and that awful vending machine coffee if you feel like going that route.

“He’s not cathed, so he’s good to get up for the bathroom. We just made that little journey, so he’s probably good for a bit, but he’s not super steady on his feet. Up to you if you want to call for assistance for that or not. He absolutely should press the call button for any medication he needs. He’s trying to be stoic about nausea, but there’s no reason for that, so just let us know.

“I think that’s it.” She pointed behind him to a door labeled STAFF LOUNGE. “Pop in there before you head down to 403, talk to Campbell, and then you should be set. I’ve already got Buck refreshed on ice and a couple of apple juices, which seems to be his preference right now. He’s been asleep, but I expect he’ll wake up in the next twenty minutes or so.”

“Thank you, Nurse Keen.”

“You can call me Roseanna. I’ve seen you running around this place enough over the years.”

“Only if you call me Lou.”

“Detective Dreamy is more fun.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“To your face, I’ll call you Lou. I make no promises about what I call you behind your back.”

He grinned and shook his head, turning to walk into the staff lounge, where Dr. Will Campbell was leaning back, sipping coffee and reading on his Kindle. Campbell was the head of surgery and the ER department. They’d also known each other for years. You made odd connections as a first responder, particularly once you started moving up in the ranks, or once you’d been hurt a few times.

“Will.”

“Lou,” Campbell acknowledged as he set down his reader.

Lou poured a cup of coffee, doctored it with a bit of cream since they had the real stuff. He dropped twenty in the coffee fund, then took a seat at the breakroom table.

“You gave me a lot of work tonight.”

“Well, she had her firearm pointed at an innocent person’s head. She needed to be neutralized.”

“Mm.” Campbell sipped his coffee. “A head shot is more decisive.”

Lou grinned. “And people think I’m an ass. What can I do for you?”

“Nothing really. Just putting eyes on. Making sure you’re okay.”

“Cornering me in the staff lounge is definitely touchy-feely for you, Dr. Campbell.”

“If you want touchy-feely, you should have become friends with Dr. Willis. He’s all up in everyone’s emotions.”

“He ran from us like his panties were on fire earlier,” Lou remarked with a grin.

“I don’t think he likes having first responders on his table. None of us do. It ups the pressure, and Ethan prefers the ER in general. Also, I heard there was quite a crowd, which is not his preference. He wasn’t even on backup for surgery last night, but we had some issues and wound up with several attendings and residents stuck on the freeway doing triage at a major car accident.”

Campbell gave him an intense look. “But I’m not worried about Ethan. He’ll sort out his angst. It was more interesting to me that you’re on the overnight list for Evan Buckley.”

Lou just met Will’s gaze and didn’t reply.

“I’m not going to say anything to anyone, Lou. Relax. How do you know him?”

“How do I know anyone?”

“You arrested him?”

Lou grinned and shrugged.

“And I’ve operated on him.”

Lou blinked. “What?”

“There were a lot of surgeons involved in saving Buckley’s leg. Surgery took place at Mercy. You know it was all over the news, so surgeons from all over the West Coast were volunteering to assist. The vascular surgeon they brought in from UCSF, who is one of the best in the world, was instrumental in saving the leg. He and I went to med school together, and he asked me to assist in the vascular grafts and repairs.”

“I had no idea.”

“That was a few years ago. We certainly knew one another, but didn’t get together regularly the way we do now. Buckley’s surgery was about eighteen hours, and we worked in groups by specialty. Vascular, ortho, neuro. It was…one of the more memorable procedures I’ve been involved with.”

“Are you allowed to talk openly about it?”

Will nodded. “The decision was made not to put his name on it, but there was a paper written about the procedure, with his consent, of course, which also allows us to discuss it. All the surgeons who participated contributed to the paper. What was unique about the approach was the decision to use minimally invasive orthopedic repair to give the traumatized tissues more time to recover and give the vascular grafts time to heal. Then, later, do another two surgeries to refine the orthopedic repairs they hadn’t done due to the gross tissue trauma. The way we went about some of the soft tissue work and the nature of the orthopedic work was a relatively untried approach, and it would have been more complete if he’d had the follow-up surgeries, but ultimately, he made a full recovery on just the initial screws and grafts. Which probably speaks more to his general health and good genetics.”

“What was unusual about the approach that warranted documenting and writing a paper on it?”

“The standard of care for that level of crush injury was amputation, and we were never sure through the whole surgery, from moment to moment, if he’d keep the leg. And then there was the risk through the whole healing process that he still might lose it.

“And then in a strange coincidence, you’re connected to both Buckley and an actual amputation I had to perform tonight.”

Lou shrugged. “Life is full of little ironies, I guess. Though getting to actually see Evan tonight is harder than escaping an Internal Affairs interview.”

Campbell laughed and waved him towards the door. “Go. See if you can butter Buckley up about me checking on his leg tomorrow.”

“Not his spleen?” Lou challenged. “The thing he’s actually here for?”

“That’s Willis’ lookout. I don’t follow-up on another surgeon’s work unless they’ve fucked up.”

Lou chuckled and walked out, calling back. “Night, Will.”

“Goodnight, Lou.”

Lou made his way down the hall to 403, slipping in and closing the door behind him. It was a semi-private room, but Evan was the only occupant, with the curtain pulled halfway around the bed, only blocking the view from the door. There was a dim light on the non-patient side of the curtain, providing some illumination but not enough to disturb anyone’s rest.

He found Evan curled up on his side. One arm under his head, the other pressed protectively to his abdomen. His face was mostly in shadows, but his sleep didn’t seem very restful.

As promised, there was a hospital lounger next to the bed with a couple of pillows and blankets. He quietly moved the seat as close as he could to the bed and reached through the rail to curl his hand around Evan’s forearm.

He’d allowed himself to get in way too deep, much too fast with this one.

Evan’s eyes blinked open, and he stared right at Lou, then he flinched a little, arm pressed tight to his abdomen. “You came.”

“Of course I did. Pain medication?”

“Not yet. Want to remember you’re really here.” Evan curled a little more forward, letting his head rest on Lou’s hand. “This is a terrible way to get to spend time together again.” His words weren’t exactly slurred, but they were sluggish. Coming out slow and measured. As if he had to really think about them.

“Just a second, let me bring down the rail on this side of the bed.” Lou pulled his hand away and adjusted the bed rail down. He moved in closer, so he was pressed to the side of the bed, offering Evan his hand again.

Evan tucked it under his chin and closed his eyes. “You probably can’t tell me anything, can you?”

“I don’t even know anything. Just chasing a weird lead on something that led me to your sister’s house, and I heard a gunshot. I’m on administrative leave, and they’re calling in people way above my pay grade to sort out what happened.”

“Mm-hm.” Evan took a deep breath. “Thank you for being there. However it happened, I knew it would be okay once you turned up.”

“I’m good at my job, Evan, but things don’t always work out perfectly.”

Evan’s eyes blinked open. “I know, but I still knew it would be okay.” He closed his eyes again. “We probably shouldn’t be doing this, right?”

“What ‘this’ are we talking about?”

“We were getting to know each other, having fun, and now all this heightened emotion and artificial intimacy.”

“Is it artificial?”

Evan’s brow furrowed. “I’m not sure. Feels real right now.”

Lou used his other hand to stroke back Evan’s hair. “Yeah, to me too.”

“The intimacy on the phone was real, right?”

“Definitely.”

“Is it making whatever this is feel real when it’s not?”

“How much pain medication have you had?”

Evan grinned, eyes still closed. “I just don’t want to misread and make assumptions. It feels like you’re the only person I want here, and I wonder if I’m reading too much into our thing. And maybe I’ve had too many drugs.”

“Evan,” Lou said gently, “we’d be dating by now if it wasn’t for some unanswered questions.”

“Right. That’s true.” The brow furrow vanished, and Evan went silent. With his eyes closed, it was impossible to tell if he was asleep or just thinking. “I talked to Tommy,” Evan said abruptly, without opening his eyes or giving any other clue he was awake.

“I heard.”

“Did you?”

“Diaz mentioned that Kinard had texted him during dinner.”

“Mm.” Evan rubbed his cheek on the back of Lou’s hand. “I’m not hung up on Tommy.”

“One question down.”

“Two questions down.”

“Oh?”

“I’m not in love with Eddie—I never was.”

“It’s good you were able to figure that out.”

“But I am hurt. I keep trying to figure out how to let go with something approaching grace, but it’s hard. It was easier with Tommy. I just baked a lot and let others eat my feelings.” He frowned. “That came out weird.”

“A little bit.” Lou chuckled. “You have longer-lasting ties that are much more complex with…Eddie. And those ties aren’t necessarily going away.”

“Does this mean we can’t date yet?”

“No,” Lou responded with gentle amusement. “I just asked that you figure out what was really going on with you. Maybe if you were in love with him, I’d want to delay, but if you had lost a family member or your favorite uncle was moving to Costa Rica and you were upset about it, I wouldn’t put off emotional entanglements. I just wanted to know where I stood.”

“Mm. That’s fair.” His hand curled more firmly around Lou’s wrist.

“Didn’t your hair used to be blonder? Did you highlight it before?”

“I dye it now.”

“Why?”

“It’s strange.”

“I’m always willing to listen to you being strange.”

“Have you ever seen a picture of Eddie’s kid?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Is my phone around?”

Lou happened to know that was one of the things they’d arranged to be recovered and cleared from the crime scene. Both the siblings’ phones were cleaned and passed off to their next of kin. “Let me check the drawer.” He managed to find Evan’s phone without surrendering his hold on Evan’s hand. “Someone even charged it for you.”

“Chris is my wallpaper on my lock screen. I think you’ll see that he and I look a lot alike.”

Lou stared for a few seconds and the screen before it went black, and then he activated it again and stared a little longer. “He looks enough like you that I would have assumed he was your son. Or somehow biologically related to you.”

“That picture is a couple of years old. Before Chris started down the horrors of pre-teen and teenage hormones.” Evan sighed. “As you can see, we look eerily alike for two people who have zero biological connection to one another. And for a long time, we all found amusement in that, I think.

“From the day we met more than seven years ago, if we were out, people assumed Chris was my biological child and Eddie was either my husband and Chris’ adoptive parent, or some other family dynamic. Those assumptions only stopped if I wasn’t there. And, of course, once people got to know them, they knew I wasn’t related to Chris by blood.

“And then once Chris moved into his teen years, and Eddie had more angst about his son keeping him at arm’s length…. I dunno. Sometimes, it seemed like the resemblance stressed them out more than it amused anyone. I was trying to remove the problem.”

“By changing how you look?”

“It made sense to me at the time…? It’s not anything they asked, and I’m not even sure they noticed. I was just trying to solve a problem I’m not sure anyone but me even noticed.”

Lou blew out a breath and carded his fingers through Evan’s hair. “Be how you are, okay? You can’t solve other people’s issues by contorting yourself into different shapes. If the only way they can find temporary respite from whatever familial angst they’re struggling with is for you to change your appearance, then their problems are much bigger than anything that can be solved with such simple interventions.”

“It’s nothing they’d ask of me. As I mentioned, they didn’t ask it of me.”

“It’s not even the point. For starters, I doubt they noticed you did it, whether it helped or not, and consider the balance in relationships where you’re making big gestures that aren’t even recognized. Remember…it’s okay to be the center of your own world. It’s fine to help if it’s part of a reciprocal relationship and….”

“I make sure the help is needed?”

“Not even needed, but maybe make them ask…? Always anticipating sets a terrible precedent for starters, but it also sets you up to be taken for granted, and when you do things people don’t notice, it’s hurtful. And then you feel you can’t be hurt because they never asked it of you. Even if they’re always accepting.”

“But it’s not Eddie’s fault…”

“Of course it’s not. It’s no one’s fault when they accept help that’s dumped blindly on them, but it’s not doing them or you any good. And I think it’s hurting you more than it’s helping him. Or Christopher.”

Evan frowned, obviously mulling that over. “I see your point, but it means reframing how I interact with my friends…”

“Good god, please do. We’ll make it a whole mission where you take great care of yourself, do charitable acts through actual charities, and do good things for those around you when they specifically ask you for assistance.”

“Anything they ask?”

“Hell no, but we’ll take it in stages.”

Evan chuckled, then winced when it jostled his side.

“Are you in much pain?”

“It’s not too bad.”

“So, it sucks?”

Evan smiled faintly. “Don’t want to sleep again yet. I’ll let you know if it’s too bad.” He shifted his grip on Lou’s hand so that their fingers were laced together under Evan’s cheek. “So we can date?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna date the hell out of you. As soon as you can sit upright on your own.”

Evan smiled softly, then it faded into a faint frown. “I hold on too tight. I’m working on it, but it’s definitely one of my failings. It’s why I’m having a hard time with Eddie.”

Again, Lou pushed back the curls on Evan’s forehead that were just a little too long. “Maybe it’s okay to hold on too tightly sometimes. Just take it slowly.”

Evan’s brow furrowed again. “That’s not the way the song goes.”

“Which song?”

“Hold on Loosely.” He hummed the melody under his breath, then began singing, “but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.”

Lou chuckled, surprised by Evan’s ability to randomly reference a song released easily a decade before he was even born. “Well, there might be some good advice in those lyrics too; we can explore it when you’re feeling better. I always liked Caught Up in You better anyway.”

Evan began whisper-singing… “So caught up in you; And I never did suspect a thing; So caught up in you; That I never want to get myself free; And baby it’s true; You’re the one; Who caught me baby you taught me; How good it could be.”

Lou couldn’t help his smitten smile. “You’re ridiculous with that memory.”

“I want to memorize musical experiences with you.”

From Evan, that was perhaps the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to Lou. “We can do that. We’ve been doing that.”

“Listening to music separately is good, but it’s not really the same. I didn’t get my song tonight. I wanted to talk to Maddie about donating the Jeep because I think it’s time to move on from that shared past, and then I was going to go home and listen to my song. It was cool it was one I wasn’t familiar with, you know?

“I was so looking forward to just getting home and listening to something new you gave me, but I had all these things to do. I wanted to see what she thought about giving the Jeep to someone and letting it be their do-over, and then this all happened.”

“It’s okay, Evan. Nothing’s been lost; I brought my phone.”

Evan’s eyes popped open. “Yeah?” His eyes were unfocused, but still so startlingly blue.

“Yeah.” He gently freed his hand. “I’ll leave the rail down for now, but if you roll out of bed, I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“I promise not to move. Not sure I can anyway.” The last was muttered under his breath, and Lou figured they’d barely get through the song before he’d need to call for some pain meds.

He set up the small Bluetooth device swiftly. It wasn’t a great speaker, but it produced better sound, even at low volumes, than his phone speaker could manage.

He put the speaker right by the head of Evan’s bed and carefully adjusted the volume so that it would be easily heard by the two of them, but not go beyond the room.

Oleta Adams’ soulful, captivating voice flowed over them.

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind

She continued to sing all the ways her lover could reach her, and Evan seemed to want to get closer to the speaker, as if he could absorb the music. Then the chorus began.

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, then surely you would be closer
I need you closer

The verse switched again into ways to get back to one another, and Evan’s gaze met Lou’s as the song ended with:

I don’t care how you get here, get here if you can

When the song ended, they kept staring at one another until Evan finally said, “I want to say too much.”

“It’s okay to not say anything even if you have a lot that wants to be said.”

“It’s a good song to have been popular the year I was born.”

Lou smiled. “It really was the first song that came to mind from ’91, despite my comments about R.E.M.”

“Weird… Everyone’s go-to for my birth year is that huge Bryan Adams song.”

“Ah.”

Evan smiled. “We’ve always had our controversial music conversations in text, but that expression definitely says you have an opinion about that song.”

“It definitely has its place in music history, but it’s the kind of over-the-top romantic schlock that I can barely stand to listen to.”

Evan’s smile grew, and then he laughed until he clutched his side. “Okay, that was worth it, but I’ll agree to pain meds.”

Lou pressed the call button, and Roseanna came on immediately with, “Ready for some medication?”

“Yep,” Evan confirmed.

“Nauseated at all?”

“A little.”

“On my way with both. Be there a jiff.”

“What’s a jiff?” Evan asked when the intercom cut out.

“Stop showing your age. I insist.”

Roseanna popped in, leaving the lights low, and offered one pill in a cup. “Under the tongue, darlin’. Let it dissolve. That one is going to give you a headache, but the pain meds should help quickly.” She then injected the medication into his IV line. “All right. You should be set for a few hours. You can actually have this pain med every two, so don’t be shy if you need them more frequently than you’ve been asking for them, all right? It’s eight hours on the antiemetic.” She went around Lou and checked the water levels. “Don’t just yap at one another. Drink some water or juice before you sleep. It’ll be about three hours before I’ll be back to change out the saline drip. Need anything?”

They both indicated no.

She pointed to the bed rail. “Be sure to put that back up before you sleep or leave the bedside for any reason.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“All right, boys. Sleep well.”

As soon as they were alone again, Lou persuaded him to drink some juice, and then Evan took his hand, pulling him back close. “I don’t really care one way or the other about the song, but I think it’s historically interesting.”

“Why?”

“Arguably one of the biggest musical hits of the 90s, and Bryan Adams was told it would ruin his career to release that song. His music label tried to avoid releasing it. Then, despite the near conspiracy to bury the song, tucking it away in the mid credits of the movie it was supposed to headline, it dominated the charts for seven weeks of ’91, including around the week I was born. But I do find the sentiment too…soppy.”

“So, is that a yes or no on it?”

“I think it’s unfortunate that the commercial success of it means that it has long eclipsed Bryan Adams’ better love song from nearly a decade prior, Heaven.”

Lou couldn’t help it, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to Evan’s soft lips, getting a little gasp of surprise. When he pulled back, he stared into wide, blue eyes. “You’re my favorite conversation ever.”

One stanza from Heaven began going through his mind.

Oh, once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you’re feelin’ down

Evan grinned. “Kiss me again.”

Lou obliged, keeping it chaste, but lingering, feeling how plush and giving Evan’s mouth was. “I want to get you out of here and get on with this aggressive dating business,” he whispered against Evan’s lips.

“Yes, please.” He pressed his forehead against Lou’s.

“Tell me your favorite song.”

“Ever?”

“Ever.”

“Hmm. I’ll tell you the story behind it, but not the song, not yet. Soon, though. When I’m not here.

“My grandparents died when I was little, but I have vague memories of visiting them or them coming to see me up until I was about six. My grandmother loved Sam Cooke. And she would dance around the house singing his songs. She had an amazing voice.” Evan’s words were slowing down, and his eyelids were getting heavy. “I only ever felt safe with my grandparents, and I always think of them when I hear Sam Cooke. She loved You Send Me the most.

“And one of the last times I ever saw her, she promised to give me a Sam Cooke CD. And she brought her own, but Grandpa had put the wrong CD in the cover, and it had a whole other artist in there. She left it with me anyway and said I would love it and promised to switch the CDs the next time I saw her.

“They died before I ever saw them again. I eventually bought Sam Cooke’s greatest hits with my allowance money and would listen to it whenever I wanted to remember them; I still most easily remember them when Sam Cooke plays. It took me years to listen to the other album.” Evan’s voice trailed off.

Lou assumed he’d fallen asleep, so he just watched him for a few moments. He gave a little jump when Evan spoke again.

“It’s hard to think about them, even after all this time. But my favorite song of all time is on that album my grandmother gave me by accident. I’ll play the song for you someday.”

Lou stroked the side of his face. “Okay… You show me yours; I’ll show you mine.”

Evan’s eyes were closed, but he grinned. “I love that promise. I’m about to fall asleep. Play your song for tonight.”

Lou started to set everything up, but Evan caught his hand again.

“Lou?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?

“For being you. For keeping today from being a tragedy. For being here. Just thank you.”

Lou planted another soft kiss to the corner of Evan’s mouth. “You’re welcome.”

He pressed play on the phone and watched Evan fall asleep, still holding Lou’s hand, as Bob Seger’s voice filled the room.

Deep in my soul
I’ve been so lonely
All of my hopes fading away
I’ve longed for love
Like everyone else does
I know I’ll keep searching after today

So there it is girl
We’ve got it all now
And here we are, babe
What do you say?

We’ve got tonight
Who needs tomorrow?
We’ve got tonight, babe
Why don’t we stay?

Chapter Seven

Buck woke to gentle fingers on his face.

“Babe, I have to go.”

He blinked up at Lou, fighting off the fog of deep sleep and pain medication. “Time is it?”

“About 7:30. Visiting hours start at 8:00. People are going to be lining up to see you.”

Buck shifted, wincing at the discomfort in his side. “Right. Secrecy.”

“Hey.” Lou cupped his face. “Don’t think of it that way. It’s only a secret as long as you want it to be, okay? Remember, you’re practicing making yourself the center of the universe, and I’m happy to be in orbit around you for a while. If you’re ready to tell everyone we’re dating, I’ll stay sitting here.”

It was almost too complicated to think all that through with his brain so foggy. “How complicated will it make things for you at work? With what happened last night?”

“More complicated but not impossible. I’ll have to disclose eventually, regardless. If I decide to start dating a victim in a case…? I need to tell my captain.”

“Right.” Buck squeezed his hand. “Tell your captain whatever you need to whenever you’re ready. We’ll figure out together the right time when I’m not feeling like my brain is leaking out of my ears. Even if about half of me wants you to stay.”

“If enough of you wants me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Buck smiled. “Go. When I can think clearly, I’ll figure out what being in orbit around me looks like.”

Lou leaned in and kissed him on his forehead.

“I’m not sure I can give you a date for a song, though,” Buck murmured. “I realized last night that too many of my accomplishments wind up feeling like failures.”

“I see.” Lou gave him an understanding look that was a touch sad at the same time. “Then we both pick a song from this year because last night might be our audible.”

Buck felt his eyes swim with tears. “Okay,” he whispered. “2025 it is.”

“I’ll text you soon.”

As soon as the door was closed, he wiped at his eyes, raised the head of his bed, and immediately sent Lou a text.

Buck: There hasn’t been much of 2025 yet so there’s really only one candidate. Smile by Morgan Wallen.

It took a few minutes before his phone buzzed, and he was half asleep again.

Lou: You little shit. That was my pick. But I’m going to call an audible that any 2024 songs that are still peaking in 2025 count since there’s so little 2025 to go on. Love Somebody by Morgan Wallen. So there!

Buck: LOL! Maybe my taste in country isn’t so awful!

Lou: I’ll give you that your modern country is better than your 80s country. Get some more rest if you can. Let me know if you’re in the hospital again tonight.

Buck: Will do. Be safe out there.

The door opened, drawing his attention and a familiar face peeked around the curtain. An older, heavier Latino man with an infectious smile, and the authority to keep the ER running to his standards for years now.

“Firefighter Buckley, I thought I told you to stay out of my hospital.”

“Hey there, Mama!”

Jesse Salander, RN, better known as Mama to the residents he supervised with an iron fist, crossed to the bed and gave Buck a firm hug that was entirely around his shoulders. “I don’t ever want to see you as a patient in my hospital, young man.”

“I would certainly have preferred otherwise.”

“I’m not supposed to say anything or take note of certain visitors, but the FBI is already here talking to our other visitor.”

“I see. Hopefully, they can figure out why she was after my sister. In the interim, the sooner I can get out of here, the better.”

“Well, we’ll be trying to make that happen today if possible. Provided everything checks out. Dr. Willis will be doing rounds soon, and he’ll check you over and authorize a move down to the standard unit. Hopefully, we can get you out of here by late afternoon, but tomorrow morning is the backup plan.”

“But aren’t I a little out of your area, Mama? Aren’t you supposed to be scaring residents in the ER? Not playing nurse up here?”

“I’m an RN, young man. I can do whatever I like.” Jesse sniffed. “I am technically off shift as of about an hour ago. We had a couple of people in late due to an accident on the 101 that’s messed things up for hours now, so I’m keeping an eye on this ward until the shift change can happen. You good for now, or do you need something?”

“I think I’m good to get up on my own and brush my teeth and whatever.”

“Let me see you on your feet. If you’re steady, we’re golden.”

Buck was able to show he was okay on his feet as long as he was willing to use a walker.

“Just when there’s no one around. You’re close to your next pain medication dose, and those abdominal muscles are going to start screaming soon. Let your shoulders take the weight for a while. You’ve got shoulders to spare, young sir.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“They’re bringing you the ‘tasteless foods for people who have nausea issues’ menu for breakfast. If all goes well and we can cut down on the antinausea meds, you can have normal food after that, okay?”

“Is that the official name of it?” Buck asked with a laugh.

“It’s the politest thing I can think of to call it. You don’t want to hear what I actually think of it. But it’s nutritious, and it won’t kill you.”

Buck grinned. “High praise. All right. Go away… Tend to the patients I’m sure need you more than I do. I’ll be fine. But come back to gossip if you have spare time.”

“That I shall do!”

Buck had finished his morning ablutions, tasteless breakfast, and was on his way back to the bed from another quick bathroom trip when Maddie came into the room. She was almost charging at him, tears going full force. He put the walker between them, which he was just half-assed using for balance and because it had an IV hanger on it, stopping her hug from connecting.

“Sis, I would love nothing more than to hug you, provided you calm down and remember I have a hole in my abdomen held together with a bunch of stitches, Steri-Strips, and good wishes.”

“Right. Right.” She sniffled. “I know we’re ambushing you, but Jee kept asking about her Uncle Buck. Is this an okay time?”

He noticed Chim hovering in the doorway, holding Jee, who was reaching out for him. “I’m exhausted from the extensive exertion of brushing my teeth, and I’m feeling everything at the moment. Go sit in the recliner by the bed, relax, and let me get situated. We can hug in a minute, provided you remember that it’s a shoulder hug, no abdominal anything.”

“She was a nurse, Buck,” Chim snapped.

“And she nearly forgot in her haste to hug me forty-five seconds ago,” Buck shot back as he made his way back to his bed.

“Buck’s right,” Maddie said, waving Chim off. “I’m so used to him being big and strong, I just wasn’t thinking. Even when he had the leg injury, hugs didn’t cause issues.”

Buck hung up his saline drip and plugged in the one pulse ox sensor they were still using to monitor his vitals. “Actually, those big hugs were often painful in the early days after I got the cast off because they put too much torque on my leg. I just never said anything, and I should have. That’s on me, not you. So don’t take it as a recrimination.” He got his blankets situated and then realized Chim was trying to put Jee in his lap.

He engaged in an awkward push away, pull closer where he gave her a kiss on the cheek, but refused to take her from Chim or let him put her in his lap. “Hey, sweetie. How’s my favorite girl?”

“Hi, Uncle Buck!”

“You aren’t going to take her?”

“No.” He tickled Jee’s chin. “Want to sit with Mommy?”

“Buck, what’s wrong with you?” Chim bit out.

“I don’t expect a toddler to be able to remember not to touch my abdomen,” Buck said in a sticky-sweet voice, still smiling at Jee. “And I can’t lift anything heavier than five pounds, and that might even be a lot today considering my toothbrush struggles, so you setting her in my lap is a blatant disregard for my wellbeing, Chim.” He finally met Chim’s gaze. His tone was saccharine sweet, but his gaze was firm. “Feel free to have a seat or leave.”

“Chim,” Maddie said firmly.

“Right. You’re right.” Chim settled Jee next to Maddie in the big recliner. “It wasn’t an easy night for us, you know.”

“Well, Howard,” Buck said sweetly, “I haven’t had even a second to ask you questions about your night since you barged in here disregarding my health and wellbeing in your assumptions that my night was sunshine and roses.”

“You had sunshine and roses, Uncle Buck?” Jee asked.

“That might be the apple juice brand they gave me,” Buck said with a wink.

She giggled. “Where’s the police officer?”

“He’s out catching more bad guys.”

“He’s very good at it.”

“I know! He protected me and your mommy.”

“And me too!”

“The most important person of them all!” Buck agreed. “Did you have fun at Karen and Hen’s last night?”

She nodded firmly. “We’re going to stay with them for a few days.” She frowned. “Do you know why we can’t go home?”

“I wasn’t sure what to say,” Maddie said, sounding lost.

“Oh, well…. You remember how I was hurt, and Lieutenant Lou was holding your mommy’s favorite kitchen towel on it?”

“Pretty sure it’s ruined,” Jee whispered, half leaning out of the chair.

“I think you’re right, but we won’t tell your mom that.”

Jee giggled.

“Anyway, you understand that someone shot me, right?”

Jee nodded seriously.

“Okay, that’s the hardest part to understand. We don’t know why she did it; some people just do naughty things.”

“Like when Angel takes my cookies?”

“Just like when Angel takes your cookies. Sometimes there’s just no good reason, and no matter how many times Angel’s mom asks her to explain, Angel never has a good answer for her behavior.

“Also, when a bullet goes in someone, it makes a very small hole going in, and it makes a much bigger hole coming out.”

“Buck,” Chim warned.

Maddie waved Chim down.

“Why?” Jee asked.

“That’s kind of complicated to explain, so let’s set that aside for now, but that’s why there was so much blood in the kitchen. And you remember when you skinned your knee? It only took one Band-Aid but your mom needed three wipes to get all the blood stains off your skin?”

“Yeah, that was hard to clean up.”

“Blood can be very difficult to clean up, and a lot of blood can be super hard to clean. In fact, they don’t want it getting in weird places and drying and staining. So they have special cleaning companies who deal with the cleaning when there’s a lot of blood. If they get backed up or they’re busy, it can take days and days for them to be able to get to the house to do the work. And the kitchen is a really big part of the home, so they have to keep everyone out to be sure the blood is all cleaned up so you guys can live there safely and don’t accidentally get old blood in other parts of the house. We don’t want your dad to catch my blond hair from accidentally coming in contact with my blood.”

Jee giggled. “Uncle Buck!”

“Anyway, the police are going to let your dad and mom go home and get things you guys need, but they’ll just have to stay away from the kitchen until all that yucky blood is cleaned up.”

Jee frowned. “That was simple. Say it has to be cleaned up first. Adults make everything comp- comp-i-cated.” She peered at Buck. “But why is blood hard to clean up?”

“Mostly because of the iron content and the proteins. Blood has a lot of proteins in it, and anything with protein is harder to clean because proteins can cause stains. That’s why if there’s a protein stain on clothes, your mommy has to put special stain treatment on it and wash it in cold water—sometimes more than once. Plus, blood has iron in it, which can also cause stains.”

“Oh, okay. Can you see all the way through you?”

“Jee!” Maddie admonished.

Buck laughed. “No, they stitched the holes closed. Both sides are covered in bandages.” He lifted his hospital gown to show the white bandages on his stomach. “See?”

“That’s kind of boring. It’d be more fun if we could see through you.”

“I agree, that’d be more fun. Possibly not healthy for a real human, but in superhuman skills, being able to be functional with a hole all the way through you would be neat. And you could use it to hold things, like if you needed a place to put your spoon.”

Jee laughed, falling into Maddie.

Maddie cuddled her close, looking at Chim. “Hon, could you take Jee to get some juice?” She tickled Jee’s sides. “Now that you’ve seen that Buck is okay, can I talk to him for a few minutes?”

“Grownup talk?”

“Grownup talk.”

“Okay.” Jee held up her hands. “Come on, Daddy. I want hot chocolate and a breakfast Hot Pocket!”

“How is that any different than a normal Hot Pocket?”

“Eggs!”

Chim looked aggrieved, but he took Jee and walked out with one backward glance at Maddie.

“Thanks for that. You’re so good at explaining things to her.”

“Of course. You doing okay, sis?”

She nodded.

“How do you feel? Anything lingering?”

“Headache that will probably hang around for a few days, but it’s not bad. I don’t really remember anything. I keep trying, but they say I may never remember anything from last night. I have a vague recollection of thinking Chim was arriving home early from dinner—or earlier than I thought he’d be getting home—and turning around and realizing it wasn’t Chim, and that’s the last thing I even vaguely recall.”

Buck nodded.

“And you?”

“I remember everything just fine.”

She waited expectantly.

“Maddie, I really am not ready to talk about the specifics.”

“But I need to piece together what happened.”

He shook his head. “Talk to the police if you need details, please. They had to have told you something.”

“They said my assailant was Detective Braeburn, but why would she attack me, Buck? That makes no sense. Just tell me everything that happened so we can start putting this together.”

“I certainly don’t know why she did what she did. I got to the house, and you were already unconscious. But I don’t want to talk about the specifics of what she did.”

“Come on, Buck. I need to know what happened while I was unconscious. You owe me that. Just run through what occurred. I mean, you told Jee part of it.”

“I owe you? My vivid recounting of her hitting me, shooting me, and trying to blow my head off is going to make her attacking you suddenly make sense? Please explain how me relating trauma I don’t want to talk about right now, that I don’t even understand, is going to help you make sense of anything?”

Maddie jerked back. “I just want to understand what happened to me.”

“And how is me digging through my memory of arterial blood spray all over the kitchen—all over me—when Lieutenant Ransone shot her in the arm, going to help you put together the finer points of what happened? Please explain that to me.” He knew he was irrationally upset, and he wasn’t even sure why. “I don’t have your answers.”

“Buck…” Maddie looked pale. “I just meant that I don’t remember, and you’re the only person who does.”

“But how do my recollections of violence that occurred to me help you, Maddie? Please enlighten me. I’m asking again, because you’ve yet to give a satisfactory answer other than you want me to talk about it when I’ve said I don’t want to.”

“Of-of course we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I just assumed you’d be willing to tell me what happened because it’s such a small thing.” She stared at him with her eyes filled with tears.

“Small thing,” he repeated in a whisper, the reality of the situation really settling in. “I need you to leave.”

“Buck.”

“I can’t right now. I need you to leave. I’m glad you’re okay. Take care of yourself and the little future Han. Please go.”

“Buck! Come on.”

“My patient said go,” Mama said from the edge of the curtain. “His heart rate is through the roof and has been for a couple of minutes, which should be patently obvious from the way the monitor is blinking. My guess is he’s moments from a full-blown panic attack. So, you can go, or I can call security.”

Maddie got to her feet. “I can help. I’m a nurse—used to be a nurse.”

“You’re not a nurse now, and you’re not his nurse. Leave.”

Maddie seemed to realize she was outgunned, so she backed away. “I’m sorry, Evan, I didn’t mean to push.”

“Buck,” he snapped. “Just not now. We’ll talk later about your feelings and needs and how they’re so much more important than mine.”

She looked like he’d slapped her, but she finally left.

Jesse stepped up to the bed with two syringes. “You’re overdue for pain meds anyway. As tense as you are, I figure you’re now in pain.” He held up the first syringe. Buck nodded. Jesse injected the medication. He held up the second syringe. “Diazepam. It was already on order in case you needed it due to the trauma of your circumstances last night. It’s up to you, and the two are safe together.” Buck nodded shortly, and the second medication was injected.

Buck already felt himself getting fuzzy around the edges as Jesse helped him lie down and get a blood pressure started.

“Not sure what’s going on, but I’m putting you on no visitors until you wake up and can speak to your next of kin. I’m notifying her that you had some issues this morning, and we’ve stopped all visitors except her. This isn’t up for debate. Get some more sleep.”

~*~

Lou made his escape from the FBI agents with the Behavior Sciences Unit, who seemed to want to pick his brain about Braeburn. He’d finally given them a supremely unimpressed look and reminded them he was on administrative leave pending the internal review.

They had agents who could piece together what he did, they didn’t need him. The agent had snottily replied that, of course they pieced together the same clues, but they wanted to know how he had done it.

At that point, the Unit Chief sent out with the team had realized the field agent had stepped in it and had tried to smooth things over with Lou, but he was so done with them.

“Detective Ransone,” the Unit Manager called after him.

“You guys have this,” Ransone called back. “If you have further questions, please funnel them through the appropriate channels at the PD. I’m on administrative leave.”

“I just wanted to apologize,” Prentiss called louder to get Lou to stop.

He stopped walking but didn’t turn around, forcing her to come to him. His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out while waiting for her to catch up.

She stopped next to him and politely waited for him to finish reading a concerning text from Athena.

“What can I do for you, Unit Manager Prentis?” Lou asked, slipping his phone into his pocket.

In hushed tones, she replied, “There’s every indication that Braeburn is a serial, but the clues were so subtle that even a seasoned profiler would have missed them. You didn’t. And whether you had or not, Agent Hubbard’s comments were out of line. I honestly think she’s being snotty because she’s been flirting with you, and you’ve been ignoring her.” She offered him a tentative smile. “It’s no excuse, and I will absolutely talk to her, but I really would value your insights.”

“You don’t need my insights. You have a whole team of profilers who can follow the clues now. I’m out. And tell her I’m seeing someone.”

He was seeing someone, and that could possibly come out at an inconvenient time. Despite wanting to go to the hospital, he changed course to go to his captain’s office.

“Lou,” Captain Robbins said neutrally when Lou sprawled in one of the visitor’s chairs across from his desk.

“About that thing last night.”

“The Braeburn thing that the whole department is screaming in my ear about? That thing?”

“The very one.”

“Are you about to give me a bigger headache?”

Lou shrugged. “I know the victims of the crime last night.”

Captain Robbins frowned. “I already knew that. Maynard was all up in it when we talked. They’re some of Athena’s strays, right?”

“Yep.”

“So, I’m not surprised you already knew them to some degree or another. And wasn’t there…” He pulled up something on his computer. “Hell, Lou, you even put it in the case supplements that you’d had prior encounters with Buckley both socially and professionally. There are references to prior case numbers…” Robbins scanned through the case supplements.

“I’m friends with Evan Buckley. It has nothing to do with…anything, truth be told. I didn’t know Evan was going to be at Maddie Han’s house last night, and I was just as surprised to find Evan there as he was to find Braeburn there, so everyone was surprised by everything going down except for Braeburn herself.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Robbins asked with narrowed eyes. “If it didn’t affect your actions on the case, and I can’t see how it did if you didn’t even know he was going to be there, I don’t care if you’re friends with Firefighter Buckley anymore than I care that you are friends with those bozos on D platoon in SWAT. Actually, I like firefighters better; SWAT’s a menace, so I’ll take this as a positive life choice. Firefighters are damn useful. So many in PD know someone in FD that it’s not unusual for this sort of supplemental to be in the case file. It’s the life of first responders.”

“I might be dating Buckley one day soon.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I do think so.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“See, this is not the way this works. I say ‘no,’ and you say ‘yes, sir.’”

“You say ‘no,’ and I say, ‘this I my personal life and you have no say.’”

Robbins sighed. “How close to dating were you before last night?”

“I would have already asked him out, but I requested that he be sure he was over his prior relationship first.”

Robbins let his head fall back against the headrest of the chair. “So, you were basically already dating the material witness and a victim in last night’s whole cluster fuck.”

“Only in my hopes and dreams,” Lou replied sarcastically.

“Lou,” Robbins replied sternly.

“What? I’m letting you know as soon as it became a reality.”

“Jesus Christ.” Robbins rubbed his forehead. “I’m really glad you’re on administrative leave. It’s too damn bad I can’t make it an unpaid leave.” He dug around in his desk and passed a form to Lou. “Fill that out. I’ll figure out how and when to attach it to your personnel file and reference it to the case file. Which will be done as quietly and discreetly as possible. As soon as that’s done, be gone, and I really don’t want to see you until the FBI is out of my station. You are responsible for all my headaches right now.”

Lou filled out the relationship disclosure form with a faint smirk and then headed out of the station, feeling lighter than he had in a while, despite the worrying text from Athena.

He wasn’t sure what could have caused Evan to have a panic attack at the hospital and get put on no visitors, but there was an obvious connection between the two things in his mind. Cause and effect. Some visitor had upset Evan.

He knew Athena would have it well in hand and would get things sorted. The best thing Lou could do was be there when he was needed.

~*~

It was a couple of hours before he arrived at the hospital and found a surprising group of people in the waiting room: Nash, Kinard, and Diaz. If he were a lesser man, he’d have turned and run, but he wasn’t the sort, so he sat down with his enormous flat white and started to read whatever local paper the hospital had in the waiting room.

“Good morning, Lou,” Nash said a little hesitantly.

“Bobby,” Lou greeted neutrally.

“You here for Buck?”

“Yep. Athena texted. She knew I wanted to pop in on him sometime today. She said he’d had a rough morning, so I thought I’d drop in and see how things we’re going. If nothing else, I’ll wait and talk to her.”

Nash blinked. “Oh. That’s very considerate of you to follow up on how he’s doing.”

“Mm.” He went back to reading the headlines. He seemed to have the entertainment section, and he’d rather eat slugs than pretend to be interested in that, so he flipped through what else was available and settled on an issue of National Geographic that was a couple of months old. Among the articles, he quickly chose between New Zealand’s birds and Arctic Caves. “Sorry, birds.”

“What was that?” Diaz asked.

Lou looked up. “Pardon?”

“You said something about birds.”

“I was just choosing whether to read about New Zealand birds or Arctic Caves.”

“Ah. The Caves won?”

“Mm.” Lou sipped his coffee and pretended not to notice all three men moving closer.

“Detective?” Diaz began. “About last night. Thank you for what you did for Buck and Maddie.”

“Happy to be able to help.”

“Would you be able to tell us the details of what happened?”

Lou frowned and looked up. “What do you mean?”

“Buck apparently hasn’t wanted to recount much of what occurred, and Maddie, as you know, was unconscious.”

“Well, I’m not really allowed to talk about it while I’m on administrative leave for my involvement, but Mrs. Han will be able to obtain police reports eventually.”

“How long will it take to get them?” Bobby asked.

“About twenty-four hours after they’re ready.”

“How long until they’re ready?”

“Three to five days in simple cases, weeks or even months in more complex cases.”

Bobby winced. “And this is a complex case…?”

“Most definitely.”

“I’m sure Buck will be willing to tell Maddie what happened soon,” Diaz reassured.

“Doesn’t she know what happened?” Lou asked in confusion. “No one explained to her that she was struck in the head, knocked unconscious, and then drugged? That’s why she had to stay in the hospital overnight, after all.”

“Of course she knows that part,” Bobby assured. “It was what came after. She’s trying to understand why she was attacked.”

“I’m confused.” Lou frowned. “Motive is a predecessor. So, why does she need to know the details of the attack against her brother, which occurred second, in order to understand the motive for the attack on her, which occurred first? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It really doesn’t,” Kinard muttered. “I’ve been telling you guys that for fifteen minutes. There’s like no logic here.”

Diaz sighed. “It’s just Chim, Maddie, and Hen are upset, and we’re just trying to get answers for them.”

“Well, maybe think about your best friend,” Kinard said sharply, “who said he didn’t want to talk about it.”

Lou sighed and pulled out his phone and dialed Prentiss, putting it on speaker. “Agent Prentiss, Lou Ransone here. Could you call the last target, Maddie Han, and have a chat with her about the case? She seems to be experiencing some distress about her lack of recall over the events and somehow thinks that knowing about her brother’s attack will help her understand her own circumstances.”

There was a long pause. “The two events are really disconnected. Evan Buckley’s involvement was a fluke, and his circumstances shed no light on the motive behind Maddie Han’s case. Evan Buckley is such an outlier that it’s case irrelevant in most ways. We aren’t even focusing on him. He was an obstacle Braeburn had to eliminate and nothing more. From our perspective, his statement is sufficient for our investigation since he’s as relevant to Braeburn’s MO or victimology as a random bird flying past.”

“I’m aware, but I’m bound not to talk about the case at all, so even though I’m fully cognizant of the circumstances due to Mr. Buckley’s statement at the scene, I cannot talk about it, but you’re active in the investigation, so if you could loop her in, that’d be helpful. She’d been directed to get a police report for the details she’s asking for, but we both know that could be weeks or months before it’s available.”

“Right. What details is she asking for?”

“Apparently, so far, the details of her brother’s attack, so she can better understand Braeburn’s motive.”

“One won’t help with the other, but I’ll try to give her what she’s actually asking for: motive. At least as much as I can. I’ll try to call her now.”

“Appreciated.” He disconnected the call.

“Thank you for doing that,” Bobby said earnestly.

Lou nodded.

Diaz smiled. “Thanks.” He blew out a breath. “I just don’t know why Buck wouldn’t tell her when she asked.” Diaz dragged his hands through his hair, not even noticing the way Kinard scowled at him.

Lou set his coffee cup down with a thump. “Tell me about being shot by that sniper.”

Diaz whipped around. “Pardon me?”

“Tell me about it. Tell me about lying out in the street injured when no one could get to you, and your best friend was so close you could almost touch, but you couldn’t quite reach. Tell me about it.”

Diaz and Nash looked appalled, but Kinard seemed to get exactly what Lou was doing.

Lou leaned forward and said lowly, “No one has the right to demand you discuss your trauma. Not me, not your friends, not your family. The what, the when, and the how are up to you to decide. Yes, two people were involved in a traumatic event last night, but in many ways, they were two completely separate traumas. But even if they weren’t, you still couldn’t require them to discuss it on your schedule.”

“She’s his sister,” Diaz said weakly.

“So. The. Fuck. What?” Lou enunciated slowly. “His trauma matters less? The hole in his gut is less significant than her concussion? His need not to talk is less important than her need to know? What the fuck are you trying to say? I’m not involved in whatever unhealthy dynamic has a whole gaggle of people teaming up on one person and trying to emotionally coerce them into talking when they don’t want to, and the only voice of reason in the room is the ex-boyfriend, but I’m also one for plain talking, and this is some next-level weird.”

Nash’s eyebrows were in his hairline, and Diaz looked like he wanted to strangle Lou. Kinard just sat back with his arms crossed.

~*~

Buck felt the world drift slowly back into focus to Athena’s whispered voice. “In theory I agree, but just the fact that we’re having this dumbass argument, again, Henrietta, tells me everything I need to know. He hasn’t woken up yet, but if Buck doesn’t want to talk about what happened last night, he doesn’t have to. And I swear to Christ, Hen, I’ll put you, Chim, and Maddie on the ban list if you even think of pushing me on this.”

There was a long pause.

“No. Absolutely not,” Athena hissed. She was over near the window, pacing back and forth. “Maddie can get her information from a police report; she doesn’t need it directly from Buck. The idea that he owes her a recounting of his trauma is some kind of bullshit. I’ll bust out some instances you won’t want to discuss and put you on the spot to tell us all if you keep pushing this like a dumbass.” She noticed Buck staring at her. “This conversation is over. I understand this situation is difficult, but all of you extract your heads from your asses or I’ll be sure to make each of you supremely uncomfortable at my earliest convenience.” A second later, she’d hung up the phone.

She sat in the chair at the side of his bed and gave him a searching look. “How are you doing?”

“Feeling like an idiot.”

“Why?”

“I had an anxiety attack.”

“Hm.” Her expression shifted to something softer, and she gently touched the side of his face. “You went through something last night, Buckaroo, and no one has any right to push you about it.”

Buck shook his head and covered his eyes with his hand. “It’s not that, Athena. I’ve been doing all this work and self-reflection about how I’m so afraid to be alone that I make everyone else’s smallest things my biggest things.”

“I can see how you might do that sometimes, but I’m not sure I follow the connection to this morning…?”

“Maddie and Chim arrived, and Maddie barely asked if I was okay before needing things from me. Which is fine—Jee is a priority.”

“Hold up. What does Jee-Yun have to do with anything?” Athena pried his hand away so they could meet each other’s gaze.

“They brought her so she could see I was okay, and they wanted some help explaining why she couldn’t go back home.”

Athena’s mouth was pinched, but she nodded. “Okay. What else?”

“I don’t know, even before that, Chim expected me to hold Jee for him, and I had to point out that I literally cannot handle her right now. I had a hard time not getting irritated that I had to point out that they’re both at least tangential to the medical field and know Jee is too heavy for me at the moment, but Chim was still irritated that I wouldn’t hold her.

“So, there Chim is, irritated I won’t do what he wants with Jee, and neither of them has asked a word about how I am. I think Maddie briefly mentioned seeing if I was okay…? Maybe. But otherwise, neither of them asked a thing about how I’m doing.

“Then Maddie asks him to leave with Jee, and she’s pressing me about details about last night, and I just…couldn’t. It was like I was shut down emotionally, and the walls were closing in. I was tired, I guess, from breakfast and getting cleaned up and everything, and then the explanation for Jee about their house being a crime scene—because I was mentally reliving last night while talking to Jee. Then Maddie wanted me to just air this thing that happened to me to create a memory for her, as if I were a doll who was irrelevant to the events.”

Buck shook his head. “I know she didn’t mean it that way, but I started to feel all this work unraveling, and the situation started to feel like if I gave in, I’d never get to achieve my goals and fix my life. It’s hyperbolic, but—”

“Stop,” Athena said gently.

His mouth snapped shut.

“First, no one has any business charging into your hospital room less than twelve hours after you nearly died and doing anything other than expressing their deep, profound gratitude that you’re still amongst the living. Any other conversational topics should have been at your discretion. And, yes, you did almost die. Again.”

She gave him the hairy eyeball over that. “No matter how lucky the trajectory of the bullet was, and how little damage there was overall, if you hadn’t had Lou there to hold pressure on the wound, and they hadn’t gotten you into surgery quickly, you would have bled to death. Everyone needs to damn well remember that. I don’t care how small the nick was. I’ve seen the crime scene, baby. I can’t believe how much of your blood is on the outside of you, and I am so incredibly grateful to whatever higher power exists in the universe that you’re still amongst the living.”

Buck felt his eyes fill with tears and blinked them away.

Athena patted his cheek. “Also, it’s my opinion that bringing Jee-Yun here was inappropriate. I understand the little one would have wanted to see you were okay, but that sort of emotionally weighty visit should have been set up with you in advance, not sprung on you first thing in the morning. They could have called or texted up front to see if it was okay to bring her, and a FaceTime call could have sufficed for a few days at Jee’s age.

“Maddie was a nurse. She knows how tiring things are at the hospital first thing in the morning, so the timing of their visit was without thought for anything but her need for answers. They had to have literally been discharged from her hospital and come straight here. I don’t discount the idea that she wanted to see you, but I think it’s clear what the driving force for her visit was, and considering the bitching I’ve been getting from Hen, who has been getting an earful from Chim, the entitlement is still going strong. Everyone needs to get a damn grip on what they’re allowed in the middle of someone else’s trauma.

“You and your sister both went through something last night, but let’s not act like it was a shared experience. It was basically two different things, and very different types of crimes. You weren’t there for what she went through, and she wasn’t conscious for what you went through. As far as I know, you weren’t even present for much of the crime involving her. Correct?”

Buck nodded.

“I say all this because I want to reassure you that recounting events isn’t going to give Maddie the clarity she’s seeking. Honestly, nothing will. What she’s seeking isn’t going to come from someone’s recitation of events. Nothing is going to give her the why of it all. If you wish, you can send her a recounting of the events up to the interrupted attack on Maddie, at which point, it became about you and Braeburn, and Maddie can get those details from a police report. Because you are not wrong that recounting your trauma doesn’t help, and you don’t need to make every little thing in someone else’s life your emergency.”

Buck smiled. “That’s the wording my therapist uses… That I make everyone’s mundane things my crisis.” He sobered. “I’m trying really hard to stay out of everyone’s business and just let them do their things.”

“Bobby’s noticed. He said you’d seemed odd lately. I asked him what that meant. He said you seemed more self-contained, less, um, questioning of everyone around you, but he figured it had to do with Eddie moving.”

“He said nosy, didn’t he?” Buck said with a faint grin.

“He may have said something like that, but I’m not throwing my husband under the bus.”

“It’s okay. I realize how it may come across, but I asked because I care, you know?”

“And you stopped because…?”

“It’s part of being less involved, I guess. Trying to let people offer information rather than pry it out of them all the time. I’m trying some of Dr. Copeland’s suggestions about engaging conversationally in more balanced ways.”

“But if they’re used to the old model, they may not know they need to adjust.”

Buck frowned, thinking that over. “At some point, if they can’t figure out on their own that they need to do something to make basic conversation happen, that’s on them.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“Doc and I agreed on a slower change approach to keep from shocking my own brain, but it’s hard because I see the problems, and I want to fix them all at once, but—”

“Your problems involved interaction with other people, and you can’t necessarily predict or demand that other people get on board?” she questioned with a soft smile.

“Something like that.”

“Well, I admire your commitment to self-improvement, and these seem like good changes you’re making. You seem more grounded. And your rambling in the ambulance last night makes a bit more sense.”

He flushed. “I just was feeling so much more focused and centered, despite all the changes I don’t really care for—Eddie leaving and everything. It feels a little like I’m throwing a tantrum.”

“Hey.” She gently patted his cheek. “It’s okay to be a little frustrated for a while. You’ve been through a big thing all of a sudden, and maybe you lack a little perspective right now. I don’t think anything is irreparable. You’re on a new journey of self-discovery, and it’s never too late to start one of those. And maybe you’re falling in love a little on the way.”

His eyes widened.

She smiled gently. “He’s a good man. It wouldn’t have occurred to me, but maybe that’s why it’s a good fit. He’s way too blunt for most people, but maybe that won’t bother you.”

Buck shook his head. “It won’t. I struggle with not knowing what people are really thinking.”

“And he won’t like it if you suddenly start holding back. Lou values honesty. Stark honesty, if I’m being brutally frank about it. It’s not a cop thing, as far as I can tell; he just hates artifice or being lied to. Things that are genuine appeal to him.” Her hand dropped down to his hand and squeezed gently. “If you were being you at your most Buck, which is your most sincere, your most you, I can see why you’d appeal to him. So just keep being you.”

The acceptance and the advice felt good. “Okay. I can try that. You don’t mind?”

“No, of course not. And I’ll keep it to myself until you two are ready to say something. It seems like it’s new, so I won’t steal your thunder.”

Buck nodded. “Thanks, Athena.”

“Anytime, baby. Now, what do you want me to do about this lengthy list of visitors who have requested to see you? I’m pretty sure the waiting room is stacked again, and I have text messages as well.”

Buck frowned. “Who’s here?”

“For sure Bobby, Eddie, Tommy, and…” she glanced at her phone. “Hm. Lou as well.”

Buck blinked several times. “Uh. I think I’ll make a break for it.”

“Good choice.”

Chapter Eight

Buck took the seat by the window, with the best lighting behind him, and checked in his camera that he looked good, other than a little paler than normal.

Jesse had hung around much longer than his shift end and helped get Buck moved down to the normal ward. He was still waiting to see Dr. Willis, but the expectation was that he’d go home tomorrow morning rather than this afternoon.

Athena was going to start letting in visitors soon, and Buck was taking them in an odd order, but he had a reason for it all.

He started the video recording. “Hey, Superman. I don’t know what you’ve heard or when you’ll hear it, but I wanted you to hear from me and see for yourself that I’m fine. There was a whole dustup here where someone connected to Maddie’s job fixated on her and tried to do something bad. I got in the way.” He grinned. “You know I’m good at that. Anyway, I got a teeny, tiny gunshot wound. Again, I’m not sure what anyone else would choose to tell you, but we go way back, bud, and I always promised I’d tell you as much of the truth as I could

“The surgery to repair the injury was pretty short, a night or two in the hospital, and I’ll be back to work on light duty in a week or two. All-in-all, not too bad considering my terrible track record.” He hammed it up for the camera. “I wanted you to see for yourself that I’m fine and on the mend. I’m going to be staying with Carla for a few days, mostly so she can boss me around, I think. Either way, it’s no hardship because Howard is glorious on the grill.

“Anyway, this is your Evan Buckley update, live from Angels Memorial, thinking of you as always. Hope you’re having fun and flirting with everyone you can get to stand still long enough. You have to practice those flirting skills or they get rusty! Tell your grandparents I said hi. Love you.” He turned off the camera, fighting down the urge to say things like “I miss you” and “call soon.”

He’d barely finished posting the message to their private account when there was a tap at the door, and Tommy stuck his head in. He was glad he wasn’t in bed for this visit.

“Hey,” Tommy said hesitantly. “You good with me coming in?”

“Yeah, come on in.”

Tommy entered with his hands tucked in his pockets, looking a little hesitant, and took the other visitor chair near where Buck was seated by the window. “How are you feeling today?”

“Better. Still feel like I’d rather chew glass than bend over, but it could be worse.”

“I guess it could be.”

“I didn’t expect you to take time off shift to hang around here and visit. I’m fine, Tommy. Surely someone told you this wasn’t life-threatening.”

Tommy’s expressions shifted to something a little sad. “I guess I had some realizations because this may not be life-threatening now, but it was, wasn’t it?”

Buck shrugged.

“Right.” Tommy blew out a breath. “No matter what I said to myself, I never stopped caring about you, Ev-Buck. In whatever form that takes.”

“Tommy—”

“No, I get it. You made it really clear that you’ve moved on; I think being disingenuous with myself really bit me in the ass. And maybe now isn’t the time for it, but if we could remain friends, I’d like that.”

Buck cocked his head to the side. “Disingenuous?”

Tommy sighed. “It’s painful to admit, but I really was convinced I knew you enough to predict that you’d want to play the field. That you’d want to sleep around to figure out if being with a man was what you wanted long-term, and it’s on me that I wasn’t looking at the evidence in front of me rather than—” He cut himself off, grimacing. “I just put together some wrong information, and that’s my fault. I thought for sure you’d break me, and then when Eddie told me you’d nearly died, I felt a little broken anyway, and I don’t think love cares about the artificial boundaries we create. I thought I was moving on, but what I really did was force you into the position of actually moving on. So what I succeeded in doing was breaking my own heart.”

Buck grimaced. “I’m sorry, Tommy. I can’t even unwind time on this, and even if I could, the resentment would definitely fester in me that you listened to what other people said about me rather than what you knew about me and chose to break up with me over it.”

Tommy winced.

“Yeah,” Buck said with a knowing look, “I put those clues together just now. I’m not even going to ask you whose loose lips sank this ship, because at the end of the day, it was on you for listening, but I suspect it was Chim, and I half expect it of him, but he’s my brother-in-law, and I’ll be furious if his need to gossip about bullshit he’s jealous about from years ago hurt my relationship.

“But I’d be devastated if it was Hen. So I’m not asking, and I don’t ever want you to tell me.” He sighed, and it sounded mournful. “I also really don’t want to know because I’m half afraid some of the info came from my own sister, so please, if you really do want to remain friends, don’t tell me.”

“Not even if you needed to know so you can protect yourself in the future?”

Buck squeezed his eyes shut. “Tell Athena, and tell her why I asked you to tell her. She’ll make the choice if it’s important that I need to know.”

“All right.” Tommy looked so sad that just the threads of care he still had for the man he used to be in love with pulled at him and made him want to fix it. “For what it’s worth, I’m so damn sorry. There are so many layers of explanations that go into this, but at the end of the day, I walked away without giving us a chance to work on it. That’s my fuck up.”

“There are a lot of layers to the problem, and some of them are my problems to fix for the next relationship. In time, I think we can be friends, and maybe we learn something from this and make better communication choices for the next time around, yeah?”

“I hope so.”

Buck smiled. “Thanks for taking the time to come see me.”

“Eddie thinks you’re coming home with him, and I’ll be around his place quite a bit helping him pack.”

Buck shook his head. “Too much temptation at Eddie’s not to follow doctor’s orders and use muscles I’m supposed to be resting. But if you’re around, I’ll be less worried about the emotional minefield of him packing up his home.”

“Being a better friend to both of you is the least I can do, even if I’m doing that by not seeing you. I’ll guess I’ll be hanging out with Eddie, then.”

“I appreciate it, Tommy.”

~*~

Lou entered and shut the door behind him. “It’s strange that I’m sandwiched on the visitor’s schedule between the ex-boyfriend and the ex-platonic life partner.”

Buck snorted. “Get over here and kiss me.”

Smiling, Lou crossed the room and leaned down, bracing his hands on the arms of Buck’s recliner. “Hello there. Which do you prefer… honey, my dear, darling, or sweetheart?”

Buck smiled. “Sweetheart.”

“Hmm. Good choice.” Lou leaned in and pressed their mouths together, the tingle of the kiss immediately sizzling up Buck’s spine, for all that it was fairly chaste and lasted only a few seconds. “Hello, sweetheart,” Lou whispered against his mouth.

Buck slid a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in close again for another press of lips. “And you?”

Grinning, Lou pulled back and brought the other chair closer, so their knees were touching. “Oh, it’ll come up. It’s a line in a song we both know.”

“Ooh. A puzzle. I like it.”

“How is today treating you? You getting let loose, or is tomorrow the magical date? And how did I get sandwiched between the other two men in your life?”

“It was strategic.”

“How so?” Lou propped one leg up on the arm of Buck’s chair, practically caging Buck into his seat, and making him feel weirdly safe.

“Tommy even being here was weird, so he was first so he could go, especially since he’s on shift. He apologized and basically admitted that our breakup was a lot about him believing stuff about me he’d been told by other people.”

“Oh? Does that change things for you?”

“Hell no. I don’t need to be with someone who will believe gossip about my sexual exploits from nine years ago rather than what he knows of me from actually being in a relationship.”

“Fair.”

“As for you being next… I’d want you to stay and not leave, and that’s basically going to intersect with Bobby and Athena. Eddie will be overprotective and weird for a bit, then Athena will lift the visitor restrictions while he’s in here, and it will be Bobby and Eddie. Bobby and Eddie will angst, I’ll request some pain meds and sleep through it, and Athena will give them the look. I can’t imagine why you’d want to be here for that.”

“I see. Strategic.”

“Yep. This way, you get an entire visiting block before Bobby’s sad face makes an appearance.” He grabbed his phone and texted an address to Lou.

“Did you just text me?” Lou touched his vibrating pocket.

“Yep. I’m going to be staying with Carla and Howard Price. I told Carla I’m seeing someone new, but no one knows about it. She’s all aboard the keeping-it-secret train, so you’re welcome to come by anytime you want to visit. They’ve invited you for dinner and trivia if you’re interested.”

Lou cocked his head to the side. “You’re not staying with Athena?”

“Their house situation is a little weird since the fire, and I want the ability to see you without having to navigate my less-than-well-meaning friends and family.”

“Less than well-meaning?”

Buck looked away and shook his head.

“Hey.” Lou leaned in and gently cupped the side of his face, thumb tracing his birthmark. “I overheard enough in the waiting room to know how they’ve been pressing you, and you don’t need to talk about anything before you’re ready. Not even with me, and we both know I know all the details, but how you feel about it is still your business.”

“I just want to get out of here and get back to normal. Back on plan.”

“Fuck the plan.”

“I liked the plan,” Buck shot back with a grin. “I was all aboard the making myself the center of my own world plan, and definitely on board the Get Lou plan.”

Lou laughed. It was open and authentic, and it was gorgeous. “You’ve got me. Tell me what’s truly been derailed. You seem to be holding steady as far as I can see.”

Buck frowned and thought things through. “I guess things are okay. I was supposed to pick up the new SUV this afternoon, but when I called them I told them I was here, they agreed to deliver the vehicle wherever I wanted, so once I got on Zoom to prove I was me, they’re going to take it to the Price’s house for me, and Howard is going to accept delivery.” Buck licked his lips. “I think the bigger thing about the car is I was going to talk to Maddie about the Jeep and letting go of it, which is when I—”

Lou’s expression was sympathetic. “Do you think you need to talk to her?”

“I’m not sure I do. It was more for me. She’s always wondered why I keep paying to fix it, but it was always this big thing in my mind. Maybe the emotional severance was mine, and I just wanted some support in letting go.” He smiled wanly.

Lou took his hand and squeezed it. “You’ve got it. You’ve told me so many stories about the Jeep as we’ve talked. About sleeping in it, driving it, and when you had to leave it behind. What song comes to mind when you think about the Jeep.”

“It’s crazy, but…I loved Colorado. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a place so much. Being there was like coming home. Before I met Prudy, before I started working SAR, I was camping out there in the mountains, trying to tell myself I needed to keep going on my journey to explore the country, but not wanting to, and there was this meteor shower. The air was so freaking clear, and it was like an out-of-body experience.

“Weirdly, I’d whacked my head earlier that day, nothing serious, but I had a headache, so I was listening to Chopin, I think it was Nocturne No. 2, very softly, since I wasn’t in the mood for anything with vocals. But the next day, I heard Rocky Mountain High by John Denver for the first time, or at least the first time that I really absorbed it. And it hit me like a punch.

“I was just sitting in the Jeep at a gas station listening to the song, and this guy says, ‘you know that song is about smoking weed, right?’ but I wasn’t getting marijuana from the song. So I Googled it when I could. I’ll never forget some of John Denver’s interview about that song, which apparently had a shit-ton of controversy about it because people really did think it was about drugs and had basically gotten it banned as a result.”

“What’d he say?” Lou asked, seeming genuinely curious.

“Denver was quoted as saying, ‘This was obviously done by people who had never seen or been to the Rocky Mountains. And also had never experienced the elation, celebration of life or the joy in living that one feels when he observes something as wondrous as the Perseid meteor shower on a moonless, cloudless night, when there are so many stars that you have a shadow from the starlight, and you are out camping with your friends, your best friends, and introducing them to one of nature’s most spectacular light shows for the first time.’ And I felt like that was exactly what I’d gotten, and that I’d experienced Colorado the same way. The only thing missing was the friends part. I met Prudy two days later.”

Lou smiled a little sadly. “And you left Colorado after she died.”

“Yeah. It was too hard to stay. She had become my family, and it was too much loss for me at that time. Outside of my grandparents, I’d never learned how to deal with loss. I’m not sure I ever really dealt with it other than sitting by Maddie at the funeral and being sad. But for better or worse, the Jeep is very connected to Colorado for me. It’s been with me all over, but I feel like the Jeep gave me Colorado.”

“Mm. It’s good memories, and I can see why you’d need to talk that out. But I think you know your sister won’t appreciate or understand the memories you have of your Jeep, Evan. Are you ready to let go of it?”

After a beat, Buck nodded.

“I’m coming back tonight, so how about you put together a playlist of all your favorite Jeep-inspired tunes, and we’ll listen to it tonight to say goodbye.”

Buck felt his eyes fill, and he blinked the moisture away furiously. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. What do you want to do with it?”

“I want to donate it. I was thinking some sort of fresh start type organization. Maddie gave me to me to help me get a new start when I needed it, and it helped me find my way. I’ve had it serviced and everything recently. Though it should go to some organization likely to have people good with cars, because it does tend to break down a lot.”

“There are a couple of veteran’s organizations I know of like that. Want me to make some calls? See what might be a good fit?”

“Would you?”

“Yeah. That way we can get it out from in front of your sister’s place before they clear it as a crime scene in a couple of days.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s no problem at all. I’ve got to do something with all this administrative leave. But speaking of that quote you relayed. I’d give my left nut to see the Perseids on a clear night in the Rockies. People are short-sighted and petty no matter the generation.”

Buck wagged his finger. “Don’t tell me stuff like that yet. I tend to make big romantic gestures, and if I have it in my brain that you’d like that sort of thing, I’d be dragging you off to Colorado to watch meteor showers at the drop of a hat.”

Lou grinned and propped both feet across Buck’s lap, though there was no real weight on him. “Would you now? So, tell me, what would your big romantic gesture now be. Based on limited knowledge, not counting what I just told you?”

Buck felt his cheeks warm. “We’d be headed to the British Isles by April 1^st.”

“Oh?”

“The Pleiades will be practically sitting on the crescent moon on the 1^st, but in parts of Western Europe, there will be a lunar occultation of the Pleiades visible on that night. I think there’s another occultation in about a month, but that one is coming up, and I was reading about it—” But then Buck couldn’t talk because Lou was kissing him. Buck grabbed at the broad shoulders, moaning into the kiss.

“Stop being so perfect,” Lou said, pressing their foreheads together, “or I’ll abduct you from this hospital and take you to Europe.”

Buck laughed. “I’d settle for healing up and going dancing.”

Lou kissed him again, this time his tongue flicked along Buck’s lower lip as he pulled away. “Make the playlist. I’ll be back after visiting hours.”

“Lou.” Buck held on tight. “Stop being so perfect yourself, or I won’t want to let go.”

Lou loosened Buck’s hands and curled them into his lap. “You don’t have to hold on if I’m coming back.” He pressed a kiss to Buck’s birthmark. “Blue Bayou better be on that playlist, Buckley.”

Buck gave him an affronted look. “Of course it will be on the playlist.” He shooed Lou towards the door. “You got me all worked up and distracted. Go do whatever mysterious things you do so I can deal with the angsting duo.”

Lou grinned and walked out the door.

~*~

Buck sighed at Eddie’s awkward attempt at small talk. “Since when do we have a hard time talking to one another?”

Eddie’s shoulders slumped a little. “I don’t even know. It feels like the world is off center, and I’m not sure how to fix it.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Eds. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Eddie said sharply.

“I am fine. Now, in this moment, I’m fine. Bobby and Athena are going to be in here soon, and we’ll all make an attempt at behaving like normal, but we need to acknowledge that things aren’t normal.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie’s brow furrowed in that cute little way that Buck thought meant he was missing the patently obvious.

“You’re leaving, Eddie,” he said softly. “Everyone is pointing at me as if I’m what’s off kilter, but it’s not me. This is more like a bump or a detour no one expected when we’re supposed to be processing our deep feelings about you moving to Texas. And we all have deep feelings, even if everyone is being outwardly supportive. Because both things can exist at once, right? We can be supportive of you and your aspirations as a father, but we can also be sad that you’re leaving.”

“Buck,” Eddie said, sounding choked up.

“This thing with me is sort of a distraction in a way, and you’re looking for something to fix, but there’s nothing for you to fix here, Eds. The things you need to fix are in Texas and in here.” He scooted to the edge of his seat, despite the discomfort in his abdomen, then thumped Eddie in the middle of the chest and then tapped his forehead. “I’m fine. And I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. And even if I wasn’t, there are plenty of people here to pick up the slack, okay? Keep your eye on the prize.”

Eddie swallowed heavily and nodded, looking down at his hands folded in his lap. “You really came through for me in the end, and I wanted to talk to you about your change of heart, but then we got the call that you’d been shot, and I—”

“There was no change of heart, Eddie. You act like I didn’t think you should be with Christopher or something, but it was never that. I think your parents are toxic for both of you; I always have, and I always will, but you’re letting this situation ride for reasons that you think are right. I was digging my heels in a little because I always thought it was better if Chris came back here, away from the elder Diazes, and I thought I had a right to express that opinion, but I really didn’t.”

“You did,” Eddie insisted.

“No, I didn’t. And I haven’t for a while now,” Buck said firmly.

“Buck,” Eddie said, sounding heartbroken.

“If I had the right to express that opinion, you’d have been willing to talk to me about this months ago, Eds, and you refused every time. What you’ve been getting from me is me figuring out how to let go of me thinking I had the right to interfere when it came to Christopher,” Buck said sadly. “The only real way I had to do it anymore was through you. Somewhat passive-aggressively, I admit. I didn’t know how to get the words out that I missed my kid, ya know? I can’t imagine how much harder it’s been on you. And that was really unfair of me. I should have said months ago, ‘Eddie, go be his father, no matter what,’ but I was wrapped up in…I don’t know. The idea of restoring things to the way they were, I guess.”

“I was too,” Eddie admitted, sounding like he wanted to cry. “It took me so long to act because I thought he’d come home and things would be like they were supposed to be.”

Buck refrained from making any comments on Eddie letting Chris drive the ship on this. Ultimately, it was up to Eddie, but he was, in some ways, putting the success or failure of this custody situation on the shoulders of a teenager who was lashing out a lot of the time.

“It is what it is, and we are where we are. This,” Buck gestured to his abdomen, “is a nuisance in a way. It shouldn’t detract or distract from what you’re doing. You’ve made your decisions, and unless you’ve chosen to force your kid to come back home…?”

Eddie shook his head.

“Then not a damn thing has changed. You’re feeling out of control, and you’re looking for something to fix, but I don’t need fixing. Chief Alonzo texted me, and as soon as I’m cleared for light duty, I’m going to teach some classes at the Academy until I’m cleared to go back to field work.”

“Alonzo has your phone number?”

“Pretty sure he has access to my whole personnel file.”

Eddie face-palmed. “Right. Bobby was pretty sure you wouldn’t want the Academy.”

“Well, sitting around my loft being sad doesn’t sound like much fun. And stay out of my love life.”

He winced. “I really thought you and Tommy were destined to get back together. You seemed like each other’s forever.”

“Yeah, well, Tommy listened to some shit he shouldn’t have and broke up with me over it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can get Tommy to tell you about it if you want, but I specifically asked to be left in the dark about exactly what it was. Anyway, he said I was going to break his heart, which he was basing on erroneous information, so he broke his own heart with his dumbassery. But I’ve moved on, Eds, and I don’t need anyone trying to talk me out of having gotten over it. Tommy’s exit from my life, especially the way he did it, tore me up, so no pressure from you to let Tommy have another go at messing up. Let it go. Tommy and I have come to an understanding about it, and we’re hopefully going to figure out how to be friends. I’m glad he can step up and help you pack since I’ll be out of commission for a bit, but romantically, Tommy and I are done. There’s nothing for you to fix there, either.”

“I hear you. I’ve been thinking I should stay a little longer, though.”

Buck huffed. “I’m not finding you another tenant. You’re on your own this time.”

Eddie blinked. “Ay Dios, I forgot Jeanette had a limited window to move. You’re right. I can’t change my timeline to get out of the house. I suppose I could put everything in a Pod and stay with Bobby and Athena for a bit.”

“And do what? You gave your notice to the department… What are you going to do, sit around and give me sad eyes when I get home from teaching at the Academy in the evenings?’

Eddie huffed a little laugh. “You’re that eager for me to get gone, huh?”

“No, Edmundo. I want you to fucking stay, and you damn well know it, but I don’t need you to stay for a week longer for an injury that you didn’t cause, that you can’t do anything about, and that your presence won’t remedy. Stick to your plan, go be Christopher’s father, and for fuck’s sake, call more often than he does,” Buck said with a grin.

“Dios, he’s bad about calling.”

“He’s a teenager.”

“I’ll try to get him to call more.”

“No. He needs to make those choices on his own when it feels right to him, not because he’s been guilted into it.”

Eddie gave him a smile; the dad smile that said they were on the same page about Christopher. Then his eyes filled with tears. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

Buck felt the loss of his best friend keenly, but it was less sharp than it had been because he’d been adapting to this ache for a while now. “I’m here, you’re here. Even if you’re in Texas and I’m here, there are phones and Zoom. Friendship is what we make it.”

“Yeah.” Eddie got out of his chair and hugged Buck around the shoulders. “You’re not going to avoid my place just because Tommy is there for this last week, right?”

“Don’t be an idiot, Edmundo. I have no reason to avoid Tommy. I’m going to rest up for a couple of days, and then I’ll be bothering you.”

“A couple of days, huh?”

“If you start misbehaving, I’ll catch an Uber over and sleep on your couch to keep you two in line.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

“Don’t try me.” He patted Eddie’s cheek. “You’ve got a lot to pack into this week. Take advantage of all the offers of help to pack, and go see your family so there are no regrets, okay?”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“I never tire of hearing that.”

Eddie laughed and flicked Buck’s earlobe. “You’re in a delicate condition, so I can’t do what I really want. Come on. Bobby is bringing real food soon. He got approval to bring in food, provided it would be easy on your stomach, so he made soup.”

“Thank god. The food here is so tasteless.”

Eddie sat on the arm of Buck’s chair and slung an arm around his shoulders. “We’re okay, right?”

He thought about Eddie telling prospective renters that he had no ties left to California, and yet how sincerely upset Eddie was that Buck was hurt. Fundamentally, Eddie had always been very focused on Christopher and himself. Buck would always be an afterthought, only brought to the forefront when there was a crisis.

Buck had been living with those conditions for years. It didn’t change his feelings, not really, but accepting reality was a painful process.

“Yeah, Eds. We’re fine.”

Their affection for each other was real, even if they expressed it very differently. Buck would figure out his boundaries, and they’d find their new normal one of these days.

~*~

Lou arrived back at the hospital at nine PM, having been alerted by Athena that she’d herded everyone out just a little bit late, and he had the all-clear to visit.

The FBI had made good progress in a single day on the Braeburn case, but apparently only because she really, really wanted to talk to one of the profilers. The genius profiler had walked into her hospital room, and she’d just opened up and started explaining everything. They’d already transferred her to another hospital, and as soon as they could safely fly her out of state, they were going to get a judge to sign off on an order to take her back to the East Coast. Lou was pretty sure the higher-ups had thought about arguing about that decision but, at the end of the day, they wanted the black eye that was Braeburn off their books and out of their hair.

The sooner the Braeburn thing was wrapped, the better for Lou. It was already looking like his administrative leave would be shorter than normal. The review board on his use of force was scheduled to sit next week, so he should be back on the job a day or two after if they cleared him.

A quick tap on the door, and he entered Evan’s room to find Will Campbell seated by the bed, having a conversation with Evan. The bare leg propped up on a pillow was ample evidence of why Campbell was there.

“It’s after visiting hours,” Campbell said dryly.

“I arranged it with Mama,” Lou shot back.

Campbell held up his hands in a surrender gesture. “And that is definitely the final word.”

Evan laughed.

Lou pulled up the chair on the other side of the bed. “You two kids having fun?”

“Loads,” Evan said dryly. “I vaguely remember Dr. Campbell from after my surgery, but I wasn’t aware he was Chief of Surgery here at Angels.”

“And Chief of the ER,” Lou supplied.

Evan gave Campbell an incredulous look. “You felt you needed a challenge?”

“No one else was stepping up.”

Evan nodded. “Someone has to get the job done.”

Campbell gestured to Evan’s leg. “I just finished poking him to the point of annoyance.” He looked at Evan. “You okay with talking in front of an audience?”

“I’m okay with talking in front of Lou.”

Campbell nodded. “The leg seems good. I understand the screws had to be removed?”

“They were causing blood clots, yeah.”

“Mm. A rare but not unheard-of reaction to cobalt hardware for some people. How are you managing the leg daily?”

“I usually do quite a lot of massage—morning and night, sometimes anytime it gets tight. Then there’s something that looks a lot like Graston Technique a couple times a week, but we won’t call it that since I’m not a physical therapist.”

Campbell laughed.

“And then I do Pilates and yoga specifically for the leg flexibility and mobility since that seems to hold me better than my standard weight routine at the FD.”

“Do you think one is better than the other?”

“Probably Pilates…?” Evan said hesitatingly. “There are enough flexibility exercises in both, but the strength work in Pilates is better for my leg, I think, than yoga.”

“Whatever you’re doing, it’s going well.” Campbell got to his feet. “Traumatic crush injuries are hard to recover from. You’ve got more than enough on your plate, but when you’re feeling ready, if you’re feeling ready, please reach out to me. I’d like to work with you and a couple of other colleagues of mine to document your progress and how you care for your leg on a daily basis to see if there’s anything we can incorporate into a regimen for other crush injury survivors to follow. Even if we can’t necessarily medically advocate what you do, we can document your injury, your progress, and your personal self-care, and let others choose for themselves.”

“You really think what I’m doing at home could help others?”

“I do. Honestly, the clinical setting can only do so much. It’s a huge piece, but often what the patient does every day for years on end matters just as much for their long-term recovery. As I mentioned earlier, we all, from moment to moment, expected you to lose your leg, so that you not only didn’t, but have full function is remarkable, but you’re also more diligent about self-care than about ninety-five percent of patients. We’re trying to quantify how important that aspect is, because people don’t seem to grasp it. They seem to want a magic bullet, but medical teams need to do a better job of preparing people for a lifetime of diligent work if they want to maintain function. The success story of the people who work at it helps more than anything we can say.”

Evan turned a business card over in his hand a few times. “I’ll definitely call. Things are a little crazy right now, but let it settle down, and I’ll be in touch.”

Campbell offered one of his rare smiles that showed just how stunningly attractive he was. “You just got shot. You bet things are a little crazy. Take your time; this is an ongoing project. Ethan’s working on it as well.”

“Ethan?”

“Dr. Willis.”

“Ah. He was by earlier and said I could go home tomorrow; he never even mentioned the leg.”

“He probably isn’t aware. I certainly haven’t discussed it, and your file here at Angel’s is limited to the one or two visits here due to work injury. There’s a small note of a prior leg injury, but other than your Advance Directive, I believe your main chart is at…Mercy?”

Evan nodded.

“They were closed to new trauma cases due to the car accident that had my surgical residents stuck doing field triage, which is how you wound up here. I can discuss it with him, in terms of our rehab project, with your permission, of course.”

Evan nodded again. “If you want to get me a medical release, I’ll sign it so you can get whatever records you want so you can review them with him.”

Campbell blinked. “It’s not necessary.”

“But would it be helpful?”

Campbell nodded.

“Then go ahead and get me the release.”

“There’s a specialty release for the rehabilitation project, so I can email you the form, and you’d need to use a DocuSign account to finalize it.”

“That I can do.” He took a quick picture of Campbell’s business card, then wrote his own cell number and email on Campbell’s card and passed it back.

Campbell’s lips twitched. “Efficient.”

“I’m a firefighter. I don’t carry flammable stuff on me.” Evan winked at him.

Campbell busted out laughing. “I’ll leave you two to your after-hours shenanigans. Lou, I’ll note with the nursing staff that you have authorization to stay overnight if necessary, since you’re tall and strong enough to help him if he feels he needs it. Don’t feel you have to sleep in these wretched recliners, however.”

“They’re not that bad.”

“Goodnight, Gentlemen.”

Lou waited until the door clicked shut before turning to Evan. “Got that playlist?” He rounded the bed and slid into the recliner Campbell had vacated.

Evan shook his phone. “I do.”

“Are you actually ready to say goodbye to the Jeep? Because this doesn’t have to happen now.”

“No, I’m ready.”

“Okay.” Lou pulled a list out of his pocket and passed it over. “Despite your aversion to flammable objects on your person…”

Evan laughed.

“I looked into some charities. There are several veterans’ organizations that take cars, of course, and I narrowed it down to two who have specific programs that teach car repair.”

“Oh, that’s interesting.”

“But in the course of talking to a friend, he had another thought that I wondered if you might find appealing…” He pointed to the last name on the list. “This gentleman runs a charity for LGBT and other at-risk youth. He just doesn’t do gang involvement due to the risk it brings to the other kids in the program. Anyway, he teaches them valuable life skills, including car repair, so they can function on their own as they age. Many of them are in foster care or couch-hopping with friends, and he’s trying to keep them in high school so they can graduate.

“The car they often practice repair on is his or someone else he knows who needs their car fixed. He even does cheap neighborhood car repairs to keep the program he runs funded, and the kids help with the work. Even better, sometimes the kids get cars…and they help each other out with transportation and car maintenance.

“His clunker finally gave its dying breath, and the community has been trying to raise enough money to buy him something decent to replace it. There have been offers of cars, but none of them actually run, so there’s a cost sink from the outset in terms of repair.”

“Okay, I’m sold,” Evan grinned. “He can absolutely have my Jeep. The keys are in the nightstand with my other property that somehow made it here. I had the title with me in a folder in the car, because I was considering doing something quick once I’d decided. If you’ll get the title for me out of the Jeep, I’ll sign it over to him as soon as I have a name.”

“You don’t even want to meet him?”

“I just want the Jeep to give someone else a good start. It’s second-hand, but he’s giving a bunch of kids a better start. That’s enough for me.”

“Okay. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

Evan put the list in the nightstand drawer. “Thank you for doing that, and for taking so much care in finding the right kind of place for it to go to. It sounds like any of them would have been a good fit.”

“Well, the Jeep deserves a good send-off. Now, pair your phone to this speaker and let’s hear this playlist.”

Evan turned the speaker over in his hand. “Interesting little curved design.” He paired it quickly and then hit play. Almost immediately, Willie Nelson’s voice filled the space between them.

“Are you freaking kidding me? On the Road Again?”

“Nope!” Evan gave him a bright grin. “It was a tradition! Almost every time I left a town I had been in for a while, I’d play this song.”

Lou sighed. “This is not my favorite, but for you, I’ll endure.”

“Imagine the Jeep saying goodbye to all those towns.” Evan made an expansive gesture.

Lou’s lips twitched. “How much pain medication have you had?”

“I’m on oral meds as of this afternoon. Hits less hard, but I’m a little fuzzy around the edges for longer.”

“I can tell.”

Evan grinned at him. “You’re very observant.”

“Yeah, that’s why.” Georgia on My Mind by Ray Charles began to play. “Hmm. I do love this one. But I’m wondering if there’s a theme.”

Evan’s eyes were closed. “More like the ones with strong memories. I had my first semi-regular job in Georgia, and the owner loved Ray Charles. Learned about really working for a living and about how to trust people again. I’d already learned how not to trust them. The owner loved my Jeep. Said it showed personality that I’d drive it. He paid me under the table, a little less than I’d earned, but fed me all I wanted to eat, and I ate a lot.

“On the nights I’d work, he’d pack me up a lot of food that wouldn’t spoil, enough for a day or two. I think he knew I was living in the Jeep, but we never talked about it.”

“Hmm. You feel like being on your feet a bit?”

“For?”

“Not real dancing, just some slow swaying back and forth.”

Evan grinned and paused the music. “Hell yeah.” He was wearing hospital pajamas, and the IV was gone, so it was easy enough, if slow, to get out of bed.

Lou clipped the speaker to a band on his arm, and the curve was clearly designed specifically to wrap around half of an arm.

“Clever.” Evan hit play again, letting the end of Georgia fill the space between them, then stepped right up to him, no hesitation, and curled his arms around Lou’s shoulders, with the arm on the injured side riding lower, closer to holding on to his bicep.

Lou curled his arms around Evan’s waist, feeling more right about holding someone than he ever had in his life. “Just swaying. If you have pain, we stop.”

“Mm hm. This is nice.”

“The Jeep has good musical taste. Except for that weird aberration at the start.”

Evan laughed as Sitting on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding began. “I know it’s about a different destination when leaving Georgia, but the Jeep and I felt like Georgia was our first big goodbye on the trip.”

Lou smiled. “There are boats in Florida.”

“Isn’t that the damn truth.”

They swayed gently for the rest of one of Lou’s favorite songs in the entire world.

Then Sam Cooke’s Wonderful World began to play. Evan put his head on Lou’s shoulder and sighed. “I thought a lot about my grandparents after I left Georgia and went to Florida. They used to always dance to this song. I sat in my Jeep listening to my grandmother’s favorites, and this one was playing while I was eating a day-old sub, when I got offered a job to help out with moving some cages from point A to point B for some wildlife that were being relocated.”

Evan’s smile turned fond. “Only the little ones were in cages. The bigger ones, they just confine and carry.”

“Little ones?”

“Gators.”

“Lord.” Lou squeezed a little, earning a chuckle from Evan.

A couple more songs were played, commemorating the Jeep’s time in Florida. Lou couldn’t help but laugh at the stories of Evan coming into his own as a young man while learning to wrestle gators and handle the other wildlife in Florida, not to mention having awkward sex in his Jeep, which was apparently unfun and not to be repeated.

Lou grinned into Evan’s hair.

The longer they talked, the more tales of the Jeep, the more Evan was relaxed and sure in his arms, and the more Lou was really sure he never wanted him anywhere else.

And then the much-anticipated Blue Bayou filled every bit of space between them with some sort of promise.

Evan tilted his head back and looked up at Lou. “Linda makes the Bayou sounds so delightful, but it’s really kind of…hot and sticky and full of bugs.”

Lou somehow managed a chuckle even though his eyes and focus were more on Evan’s mouth and the curve of his lips than the words coming out of them. “Your lips…”

“Yes?” Evan’s reply was breathy, barely there.

“Pure sin.”

“Then why aren’t you kissing me?”

Lou didn’t hold back. He covered Evan’s mouth with his own, sliding his tongue inside like he owned this man whose way of thinking spoke to everything in Lou. Evan met him with equal intensity, their tongues sliding together, trying to press closer. Lou kept his arm locked tight right under Evan’s shoulder blades to keep stress off his abdomen.

Evan held on tighter, kissing back with increasing intensity, and Lou wanted like he’d never wanted before. Despite being able to breathe through his nose, he felt like there couldn’t possibly be enough oxygen for how intense the kiss was. Then Evan’s arms shifted higher, seeming to want Lou closer, and there was a little whimper of pain he heard and felt even through Linda Ronstadt’s soaring vocals.

Lou broke away, breathing heavily into the juncture of Evan’s neck and shoulder. “God, what you do to me. We have to stop, because I want so badly to lie you down on that bed and do things we absolutely cannot do until you’re more healed.”

Evan’s head was resting on Lou’s, breathing just as labored. “This is going to be rough.”

“The wait doesn’t matter.” Lou pulled back and stared into Evan’s sea eyes. “You’re worth it.”

“Lou…”

The song changed to Texas Flood by Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Lou sighed. “Was this when your unfortunate mix-up of number one and number two blues guitarists occurred?”

Evan laughed, pressing his hand against his side.

Lou broke his hold enough to lead Evan back to bed, listening to the story about how he’d sat in his Jeep during an actual flood in Texas while listening to Texas Flood. Stuck in inclement weather, unable to go anywhere, he’d fallen in love with Stevie Ray Vaughn playing blues guitar.

Evan actually called for his pain medication without any prodding while they listened to another couple of songs that were focused on Evan’s exploits in his Jeep, this time in Wyoming and Montana.

The night nurse brought his pills and took his vitals, dropping some pillows and a blanket off for Lou without him asking, then left them alone again.

Evan drifted off to sleep to John Denver singing Rocky Mountain High.

Lou pressed a kiss to Evan’s forehead. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

He wasn’t even worried anymore about being in too deep. He was going to fight for this one.

---