Reading Time: 125 Minutes

Title: This New Life
Author: DarkJediQueen
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Drama, Established Relationship, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Taylor Kelly, Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz/Taylor Kelly
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Violence-Graphic, Disturbing Nightmares, Discussion of Domestic Violence, Explicit Sex, Character Bashing
Word Count: 66,285
Summary: With Eddie shoving him away in favor of Ana to care for him, Buck starts to worry about Maddie. He becomes a pest to her, and the ripples of seeing her echo out in front of both of them.
Artist: Twigen

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Chapter 1

Buck needed a moment, but he knew he needed to head back into the party. He was still reeling a little from Eddie’s talking with him about Buck being Chris’ guardian if something happened to Eddie. It was something Buck would have liked to have known before this. Chris had been his first thought, and he was glad Taylor had made him go home and shower before seeing Chris. The blood on Buck’s neck had freaked him out when he saw it.

Pulling out his phone, he checked to see if Maddie had messaged him back. The message had been read, but there was no response yet. Jee-Yun had probably needed something from Maddie. The screaming Jee-Yun had been doing with colic and how Maddie was reacting made Buck a little upset about not being able to be there like he wanted. He put his phone in his pocket again.

Looking at his face one last time, Buck prepared himself to head out again.

Taylor was leaning on the wall outside the bathroom with a beer bottle in her hand. “I took this from Eddie. He said he got it for you, but I just glared at him before taking it. It’s your favorite, but I don’t know if he drinks it.”

“He doesn’t. He doesn’t like it. Says it tastes too much like flowers.”

“Oh, this is that one. I have to agree with him.” Taylor leaned in and kissed Buck’s cheeks. “Ana’s out there making a fuss over Eddie, and he looks like he wants to just go and brood in a corner. Chris is happy to have his father back home. I think Isabel wants to fuss over him, but she’s allowing Ana and you to do that instead of her.”

“You like gathering information, don’t you?”

“Well, Ana wants to get you out of here as soon as possible, and I thought you were staying?”

“I should be. It’s what Eddie and I talked about. Eddie had probably not had time to tell Ana that. I am better equipped to take care of anything he or Chris needs on the physical front at the moment than she is.”

Taylor shrugged her shoulders. She looked a little put out.

“How are you feeling?” Taylor asked.

“I am not sure. I’m glad Eddie’s home, but I’m just stuck in my head.”

“I could tell that as you slipped off as soon as you could get away with it. You keep on looking at Eddie like he’s told you the secret of life and told you not to tell anyone.”

“Something like that, but he didn’t tell me not to tell anyone. I just haven’t wrapped my head around it. I’ll talk to you about it when I do get my head around it.”

“Okay, on your own time. It’s nothing that will hurt you or Eddie, right?”

“No, nothing that will hurt either of us.”

“Good. Then let’s get out here and enjoy the time with Eddie home. Chris is looking for you, and I think he wants cuddles since he’s afraid to cuddle his father.”

“Why?” Buck asked. He reached out for the door behind Taylor, opened it up, and ushered Taylor out the door.

“I’ll give you one guess, Buckley.” Taylor headed to the kitchen with a kiss on Buck’s cheek.

Buck sought out Chris in the living room, where he was sitting at the far end of the couch with his body straight. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was. Eddie was at the other end of the couch, glancing at Chris like he wasn’t sure what was going on and trying not to be hurt by his son sitting so far away from him.

“Superman, why are you down there? You know your father heals better with your cuddles.” Buck stopped in front of Chris and waited for him to open his arms up and ask Buck to pick him up.

“Please?” Chris asked.

“Sure thing. I’ll drop you off there and then go and get you two drinks. What do you want? Punch?”

“Yes, please.”

Buck settled Chris in beside his father on the couch, and it took only seconds for the boy to cuddle into his father’s side. Eddie looked at Buck with such a look of relief on his face. Buck stood up with a ruffle to Chris’ hair and turned to go into the kitchen for the punch.

Ana’s face was full of thinly veiled anger.

“Oh, Eddito, you two are so cute. I’m glad you are able to get this time, mi angel,” Abuela said.

Buck didn’t smirk at the words, but it was a near thing. He ignored Ana as he went into the kitchen. Despite her job before becoming a principal, Buck wasn’t sure she was qualified for it based on her thoughts on what kids with disabilities were and should be allowed to do. She wanted to stick Chris into a box and leave him there and only grow as big as that box. He had voiced that issue with Eddie, but Eddie had said she had learned from that.

There wasn’t a lot that could be said for what Buck actually thought of her, but he knew most of it was how upset he was about what Ana had said and glad Chris had not heard it. Chris didn’t need to know that someone like Ana thought he wasn’t able to do all he was able to do.

“How are you doing, Buck?” Pepa asked as soon as Buck got into the kitchen.

“Better now that I have seen Eddie up and moving around. He looks better now he’s not in the hospital. More full of life even before we got here.”

“Mi Sobrino is hard as nails, but even just the short conversation I had with him, he doesn’t know what happened to you, Buck.”

“Happen to me? Nothing happened to me? I wasn’t the one who was shot.”

“No, you were the one who got sprayed with your partner’s blood and had to crawl under the truck to get him to safety, all the while thinking he was going to die on you.”

“Pepa, not now, please,” Buck said.

“Of course, I understand. Too many here, but make sure you talk with Eddie about this, Buck. You cannot just leave it to fester inside of you.”Pepa reached out and cupped his cheek.

“I promise,” Buck said.

Pepa nodded. “Get Eddie and Chris some snacks along with that drink. I made up a bowl of chips, salsa, and some of my guacamole for you. Eat it and be quiet.”

“Yes, Pepa,” Buck said.

He worked on the drinks and found the bowl of food Pepa talked about.

Ana was sitting on the arm of the couch when Buck got out there. She had her arm around Eddie and was talking softly to him.

Chris had a book in his hand, the one Buck had bought him while Eddie was in the hospital. It had been a bribe, but even Eddie would have agreed with it in the long run since it was a book. Chris was a good boy and didn’t try to make more work unless he wanted something.

“What’s in the bowl?” Eddie asked.

“Snacks for you and Chris,” Buck said.

Ana opened her mouth to start to say something, but Buck beat her to it.

“From Pepa. The guac is all for me, though.”

“You do love her guac. I wanna try a bit of it, but I love her salsa better.” Eddie took the bowl, rested it on his lap, and dug into the guac with a chip. Chris turned a little to where he could dig in on his own as well, his body still touching Eddie as much as possible.

“Did you want one, Ana?” Buck asked as he dropped down to sit at Eddie’s feet.

“No, thank you, I don’t want to spoil the wonderful dinner Taylor, Isabel, and Josephina are making.”

IT took Buck a few seconds to connect Josephina to Pepa as outside of the first day he had met her, had hadn’t heard her given name since then. She was called Pepa by even her mother.

“Buck, come and help!” Taylor called out while laughing ten minutes later.

Buck stood up, grabbed chips, got most of the guac on it, and popped it into his mouth before walking away. Sitting in silence together felt good.

“What’s needed?”

“Why is that up there?” Taylor asked as he pointed up at the cast iron skillet on the cabinet’s top shelf.”

“Oh, darn, I forgot to get that out. Eddie was threatening it.”

“With what?” Taylor asked.

Buck pulled the pan down and inspected it before handing it over.

“Soap. That man just has no respect for perfectly seasoned pans.”

“I swear you two are just like Mami and Papi.”

Buck wasn’t sure what that meant, but he was all for acting like Eddie’s grandmother. She was a boss at life.

“Thank you. I’ll make sure it’s cared for,” Taylor said.

“You had better. It took me a year to get that where I wanted it, and that’s by cooking a lot of fatty things to ensure it was well worked. Need anything else?”

“No, we are good, scoot,” Pepa said.

Buck gave Pepa a mock salute, kissed Taylor, and then headed back into the living room. He wasn’t shocked when Ana had scooted Eddie and Chris down the couch a little to sit beside Eddie on his injured side.

“Can I have more chips?” Chris asked.

“How many?” Buck asked before Ana could pipe up.

“Three will get the rest of the salsas gone.”

“Sure. I’ll sneak in and get them.”

Buck wasn’t sure he liked the look on Ana’s face, but just as he had to get used to her, she had to get used to him. Buck had tried while Eddie was in the hospital, but now it seemed things were back to a glacial staredown as he did something she didn’t like and did what he always did.

It was not his place to change how he acted around Eddie and Chris to make her happy when he was just doing what he had done for years with them. She had to learn where she could fit in with them.

—

“I’ve got him,” Buck said as he leaned over and picked up Chris from the couch where he had passed out with his head in Eddie’s lap. It was long past Chris’ bedtime, but Eddie had been unwilling to part with his kid for long at all.

“You should head to bed as well, Edmundo,” Ana said.

“I’m not tired, and it’s still two hours until I take my next round of medication, and it will be better to go to bed then as I’ll be awake if I have to wake up enough to eat to take it.”

Ana pursed her lips like she didn’t like it but wouldn’t say something. Eddie wasn’t going to engage with that because he wouldn’t be treated like a child.

“Maybe you need more sleep than you are willing to give yourself. To heal up faster.”

“And I know my body better than yours. Buck will already be taking care of getting Chris to Abuela’s for school, so I don’t need to be awake for that. I can sleep in and get the extra sleep then. I went through this when I was shot the first time, Ana, only it was bigger wounds and more pain. I learned how to manage it, just like I will learn how to manage it now.”

“I see. I thought we talked about me staying and helping. We are getting closer; this is a good chance to insert me into your life a little more in a good way.”

“Buck’s really the best to help me right now, Ana.”

“He can come over in the morning and do that and help you shower. I know we are not that far along yet. I really want to be the one to take care of you. I don’t want to have Buck stepping in where it’s my place in your life.”

Eddie wanted to push that it wasn’t her place in his life. It wasn’t like she had been in it as long as Buck. They had practically lived in each other’s pockets during the start of the pandemic. There was nothing like sharing a bed as there were no other beds with Hen on one couch and Chim on the other.

“I don’t know, Ana.”

“Let’s just try it tonight, and then if you don’t like it, I’ll go home and let him take care of you even if I think you need a woman’s touch to heal up.”

Eddie nearly recoiled at that, but he knew he did need to start letting her in on some things. He wasn’t sure what he would be doing in the future, but this was a pretty easy injury to have her help him with.

“I won’t be able to have someone in bed with me, so you will be on the couch.”

“What? Edmundo, that is no place for your girlfriend while you are injured.”

“Ana, I was shot. If I don’t have nightmares over the next couple of weeks from being shot the first time, I will eat my straw hat Chris bought me. I cannot sleep in bed with someone. I didn’t with Shannon either after I came home, as I still had PTSD nightmares.”

“Oh,” Ana said. She looked shocked, but Eddie didn’t care much about that. He just wanted her to be sure of what she was doing.”

“I guess that I understand that. This isn’t at all how I thought it would go,” Ana said.

“You are thinking of picturesque Florence Nightingale stuff, and that’s not it. It’s a pain that’s so sharp you can’t breathe and trying not to startle me so I don’t freak out and attack you.”

“Attack? Why would you attack me?”

“PTSD. It doesn’t go away just like that. I might get over it fully one day, and I might not. I will have to check myself a lot after things like this. I was shot by a sniper; while the attack I went under wasn’t a sniper attack like this, my helicopter was shot down, and then I was shot three times.”

“Eddie, you don’t need to go over this.”

“No, I need to so that you understand what you cannot do. Once I have taken my pills, my sense will be muffled, and I’ll have to make sure to not do something stupid. I might snap if my nerves are fried and you try and push things that I don’t want or don’t need. It’s easy to be overwhelmed. I don’t need to be handled like a child but treated like an adult who knows how to take care of himself.”

“I’m sorry. I never thought about how much this was going to affect you. I’ve seen you shake off so many other injuries that are small to big. I didn’t think about anything else. I understand why this is so different. I get it. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. If I hurt you by snapping, tell me. I do not want to do it, but between the meds and my issues, I might not notice a hard edge to my words that I wouldn’t want to be there.”

“Okay, I promise that I will.”

Ana still looked a little put out but didn’t seem nearly as upset as before.

Eddie was happy when Buck returned to the room a few minutes later. He had a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. That was going to go away once Eddie talked with him.

“Hey, Buck, got a moment? You can make that stuff up that Chris likes for breakfast tomorrow.”

Buck’s face fell when Eddie said that. Eddie knew Buck had been looking forward to taking care of him and Chris, but Eddie also knew that Ana did need time to step in and help, and this was a good time to try it.

“What’s up, Eds?” Buck asked as soon as the door was shut.

“Ana’s going to stay the night and watch over me. If you don’t mind, come and get Chris to take him to Abuela’s, and then come back and deal with me. I am not ready for her to help me shower.”

“Okay, if you need anything tonight, no matter how small, just let me know. Even if it’s just my voice over the phone to help you get to sleep.”

“I will. I promise you that.”

Eddie nodded his head.

“I’ll head home to get some sleep in me. You’ll take your pill before you sleep, right?”

“Yes. Just make the stuff for Chris, please. He was looking forward to that, and the last time I made it, there wasn’t enough cinnamon or something in it, and I didn’t live that down.”

“I will. Go and relax. You look tense, and that has to be making your arm hurt like crazy.”

“It kind of does. Thanks, Buck.”

Buck came in for a hug, and he held on tight. Like he was afraid of Eddie leaving him behind. Eddie knew it would take time for Buck to calm down on that front. It wasn’t every day that someone like him saw something like that. They dealt with gunshot victims all the time, but never one that was shot in front of him and never one that was someone this close to him.

Still, Eddie wasn’t sure he could fully get into Buck’s mindset. Buck was soft but in a good way. Still, Eddie wasn’t sure how to make him feel better. He just hoped to have the man around as much as possible was the cure Buck would need.

—

Buck woke up, his chest heaving. He tried to calm down but found he couldn’t. He moved to get up, and his hand went down into something wet on the bed. He looked down, but it was too dark. He kept his hand in the wet and reached out to turn on the light with his other.

It took a few seconds for Buck’s eyes to adjust to the light, and when he did, he wished he hadn’t woken up. Eddie was lying in bed. His skin was ashen white, and there was blood everywhere. Buck’s hand was in a pool of blood from Eddie’s gunshot wound.

Buck tried to get off the bed, but he was covered in blood, and the sight of it freaked him out. He scrambled back and hit the floor, his body hating it. The pain of hitting the floor had Buck’s brain shake out of the nightmare. The room was dark, like Buck hadn’t turned on the light. He touched his hands to each other and found that his hands were not wet. He was careful as he got up, checking his body as he got up. He turned on the light and double-checked to make sure there was no blood on him.

The nightmares were the worst. This was the worst of them because it was never good to see Eddie like that. It was why it was the worst nightmare he had. It was worse, putting his hand in Eddie’s blood than being covered in the spray of it. It wasn’t gone, either. The taste of blood still lingered in Buck’s mouth. He really wished he could get it out.

Buck made sure the lights were on before he headed to his bathroom. He was covered in sweat, and there was no way he would get to sleep again for a little while, especially if he stayed covered in sweat. He couldn’t really smell himself, but he thought he could. He thought the stale smell of fear was clinging to him. He hated it, but it wasn’t the worst. The worst was when he smelled blood right now, and at least at work, he could find things to do that didn’t involve blood most of the time.

After his shower, Buck headed down to the living room. He grabbed the pillow and blanket he had been using for his couch and got comfortable there. He flicked onto some documentary he had seen before and let the sound of it lure him into a semi-unconscious state. He never was asleep for long, but it was enough that his body was getting some rest. He would be able to take a nap that day at work if he really needed it. He had been doing it a little here and there when a call came he wasn’t needed for.

Everyone at work was more than willing to help with that.

No one made fun of him for his trauma this time. It wasn’t even the 18 they had been with, so all of them were affected in their own way by Eddie being shot when not on their watch. It wasn’t the worst thing, but it wasn’t the best, either. Buck was just glad it wasn’t like the truck bombing, where all of them had their own trauma of being in the blast. But I was pretty sure it was why things were so horrible for the whole station. No one dealt with it all, and it all came crashing down in that stupid grocery store.

Even years later, Buck regretted how he went about it but not why he did it. He and Eddie had talked it all to death not a month ago when something had bubbled up from it with Chris’ nightmares he had on occasion about the tsunami. The tsunami and the truck bombing were just two bookends to the trauma Buck had. Chris was pulled into the one trauma, but just like the bombing, none of it was Buck’s fault. He hasn’t asked for either one.

Just like he hadn’t asked for this one either.

Stopping for coffee on the way to work was a treat. Buck didn’t do it often because he liked the stuff he made at home just as well, but there was something about having someone else make it a little special. Buck always stopped at the same place and had since he found it just before the pandemic started. He had never been that worried about getting things safely like this from them because they took all safety in mind when it came to making drinks. He was going to keep going there as long as they stayed open.

“You look a little lost today,” Megan said as she set down Buck’s drink and his bag of pastries for the day for himself. The others would yell at him, but he wasn’t going to share with anyone. Normally he got Eddie’s, but it wouldn’t be good tomorrow.

Carla was on Chris duty today, and Ana had seemed to do okay for her first day with the Diazes, so Eddie had told Buck to step back a little more. Eddie would call him when he needed something, like help to shower. Buck was worried Eddie was going to overdo it all and just do it on his own.

Buck had wondered about Eddie since he had started to date Ana. There was something there that Buck hadn’t seen with Shannon. Eddie had fallen into bed with his wife pretty quickly, and things had been good and strong between them, but now Eddie was acting like sex was the worst thing he could do with Ana. Buck hoped Eddie hadn’t thought that sex was the reason Shannon had ended up asking him for a divorce, with how quickly they fell back into it.

“Just adjusting,” Buck said.

“Was your…I saw the news and a clip of the shooting. You were in civilian clothes but was that you with the first guy who got shot?”

“Yes,” Buck said. He swallowed. “I had just arrived at work and hadn’t been able to change when we got a call. We knew the kid from a prior call.”

“Is he okay? I know the news said he lived, but…is he actually okay?”

“Time will tell if he’s mentally okay, but his body is healing well. He’s home with his kid now.”

“Is he who you get that danish for?”

Buck nodded.

“I’m glad I didn’t put it in there. I thought maybe you forgot and were going to sleep it in. You have work, right?”

“Yes, I do. I should get going. I keep losing myself a little.”

“I know that feeling. If you need a pick-me-up, give us a call, and one of us will run you a good coffee. We aren’t starting the next seasonal set yet, but we have the stuff ready for it. I’ll make you the iced chocolate-covered strawberry if you need it.”

“Thanks. I’ll let you know. Have a great day, Megan.”

A group of people was heading to the register from the door, so it was time for the next rush. Buck headed toward the station, having parked and walked to the coffee shop. Chim didn’t like this place because of something; Buck wasn’t even sure what, so when it was station coffee runs, no one went there, even if it was closer than anyone else.

The station was buzzing with everyone working on hanging over from C-Shift and getting things finished up. Buck was ready to start the day. He was dressed and ready before anyone else but Bobby.

Chim came in looking a little worse for the wear, and Buck knew that Jee was still having a few issues with colic. He had offered to watch her for a night while Maddie and Chim got some uninterrupted sleep, but he had been turned down. Maddie had seemed just unwilling to part with Jee for any length of time, but Chim had seemed like he didn’t want to have Buck watching her while she was still so young.

“My offer still stands on watching Jee-Yun for a night if you guys need it.”

“No, it’s fine, Buck,” Chim said before he breezed past Buck and into the locker rooms to get ready.

Buck backed off. He rolled his eyes and headed up to see what Bobby was doing for their food for the day. It would be good food, but sometimes it needed to be started early.

“Hey,” Buck said as he walked up to Bobby. He laid his bag of pastries down and pulled out the raspberry danish. He looked at the spread of food. It looked like a stew, so it would cook in the crock pots all morning.

“Morning, Buck. You are chipper this morning.”

Buck held up his cup and waved it a little. “I bought my own chipper.”

“Did Eddie not do well last night?”

“Oh, it wasn’t that. I’m not on Eddie duty. Ana’s got that. I help him shower and dress his wound once daily to keep an eye on things. Carla and Ana will take care of the rest of it.”

“Was that your choice?”

“No, but Ana needs to insert herself into Eddie’s life somehow. It’s not the best, but Eddie’s god. He was in pretty good spirits the last time I talked to him yesterday. He’s not ready to kill Ana. Though she was a little put out to have to sleep on the couch.”

“Eddie, that worried about her hurting him?”

“I think he’s more worried about nightmares, but she’s also a little clingy, so he could be worried about her latching on in sleep and not letting go. I have no clue. I did hear him say Shannon didn’t share his bed much after he got home for fear of nightmares.”

“I can see that. I’ve seen it with other firefighters that started out in the military and saw action. You up for chopping up some herbs?”

“Sure.” Buck finished off his pastry and rolled the flap on the bag down before storing it in the bin he had for his stuff in the cabinet to the side. Not everyone had one, but some wanted one like it, so Bobby had put that into effect. Eddie and Buck kind of shared, so there were a few things in there that would last until Eddie was back, but a few others Buck would need to snack on as there was an end to the shelf life. Buck at least liked them.

“You’ll do good, kid. Just take it a day at a time. I’ll figure out someone to replace him on the job that will fit with you until he gets back.”

Buck nodded. He didn’t want to think too much about not having Eddie’ at his side in the job. They hadn’t had to have a big rescue, so Buck hadn’t really thought too much about that. It was going to come soon, though. There was no way it wasn’t.

“I’ll be ready to train them upright,” Buck said.

Bobby laughed.

“You’ll have to check to make sure that the guy doesn’t learn all of Buck’s bad habits,” Chim said as he settled in at the island.

“Well, I guess I can deal with that more than I can other things,” Bobby said.

Chim’s barb had more of an edge than normal, but Buck let it go. Chim was dealing with a lot of stress at the moment, so everything with him had a sharper edge. He had snapped at Hen last shift, and that never happened. Buck wasn’t worried about it; he just hoped Jee-Yun would settle down soon so Maddie and Chim could enjoy their baby at home. It sucked that they weren’t able to enjoy it all that much with Jee’s colic.

There was not a lot Buck could do to distract himself from his thoughts while walking on lunch. Still, it was enough to make him able to make it through the day.

Chapter 2

Taylor let herself into Buck’s loft with the key he gave her for times when he might be asleep after a shift or just up where he didn’t hear her knocking. She tried not to make too much noise. She wasn’t sure where Buck was, but she didn’t want to wake him up if he was sleeping. Things had been tentative between them, but also something a little deeper than she thought possible. She wasn’t sure what was going through Buck’s head all of the time, but she had learned quickly when to pull him out of it when he was thinking of what had happened to Eddie.

She never had thought she would be so happy to be a reporter as when she had been able to find out a little more than the rest of the population about the sniper. She never would have made it to Buck. Taylor was still a little upset Buck’s shift hadn’t even tried to come to him to figure out what he needed after finding out what had happened on the call.

Taylor also knew that Buck needed his family, and the 118 was his family. She knew Buck’s shift hadn’t been too bad for a shift for the LAFD. Being a firefighter would never be easy, but it hadn’t been a chaotic shift with too much chaos and not enough downtime.

Ever since she had run into him, she had kept her ear toward the LAFD side of the news just to keep an eye on him. Eddie as well. She knew how close those two were. For a while, she had thought that maybe they were something, but then she had heard about Ana and the weirdness that was Eddie and Ana dating.

Taylor was actually looking forward to a double date between the four of them. She would judge Ana for herself to see what Buck was so scared of. If Buck’s concerns were more than just his fear of rejection, she would gladly support him through going through it. If it was just his fear of rejection, she would help him get through it.

Buck was asleep on the couch and had the blanket pulled up to his chin. He looked much younger than his twenty-nine years when he was asleep and deep in sleep. Taylor leaned on the stairs and looked at him. She was pretty sure he would sleep a little longer and was glad of it. Sometimes it was just a nap after work; for others, it was more than that.

His phone went off, and a few messages, so she looked at who had sent them. It looked like Chris. She didn’t read what they said but didn’t dismiss them. She carried the phone with her as she didn’t want it to wake him up but would want to if Chri kept messaging Buck. It was the weekend, and Chris wasn’t in school. It was late enough in the morning he should be wide awake and might just be messaging Buck to talk about things, but there was a little fear it was something else.

Taylor started to make Buck brunch and waited to see what would happen. Before she had everything even set up, a call came in from Pepa. Taylor picked up the phone and got closer to Buck. Buck’s arm shot out of the blanket and started to beat around for the phone.

“Hey, I’ve got it. Want me to answer?”

“Yeah,” Buck said. He slumped back and started to rub at his eyes, looking like he was trying to wake up.

“Buck’s phone, Taylor speaking.”

“Oh, Taylor, is Buck awake? Eddie said the shift wasn’t too bad from Buck’s words.”

“He was just taking a nap. There were a few calls during the night. You sound upset.”

“Chris wants to spend today with Chris. Eddie’s okay with it, but it seems there is an issue with Ana about it.”

“I see. Well, I can go over and pick him up, give Buck time to get ready, then we can go and get an early lunch for Chris, a late breakfast for Buck, then go to the zoo. It’s been a while since I have gone.”

Buck looked at Taylor like he was a little shocked to hear those words from her mouth.

“Well, that would make Chris happy. He’s feeling a little down right now.”

“Chris texting you as well?”

“Yes. Now he’s worried because Buck wasn’t texting him back. I’ll soothe him and make sure Eddie gets him ready for a day at the zoo. Twenty minutes?”

“Yes. If Buck didn’t, I’ll put up the stuff I got out when I get back.”

Thank you, Taylor.”

“Of course,” Taylor said. She hung up after Pepa did. “Ready for a day with your kid?”

“He’s not my kid,” Buck said.

“Oh, sweetie, yes, he is. He looks at you like a father, and you know it. Eddie looks at you as a second parent as well. If you can’t see that, then you need to look at yourself more confidently.”

Buck rolled his eyes, but it seemed reflex.

“I’m going to go get your kid, and you will get ready. Be ready when I get back, or we are going to the zoo without you.”

“Like he’d go with anyone but me. He almost doesn’t want his father going with us.”

Taylor smiled, and she stepped over to kiss Buck on the lips. He pulled her close when she was done and held on tightly. “I’ll see you soon, Buckley.”

“You too,” Buck said. He waited for Taylor to get up before he got up.

Taylor knew that the way into Buck’s life was through Chris in a way. Taylor had never been sure if she wanted kids, which partially was why she had freaked a little after kissing him. She knew well that Buck would never stay with anyone who wasn’t willing to share his life with Eddie and Chris.

The good thing was that Chris had taken to her well, even if that was just getting to know her since his father had been shot. Taylor was willing to put the time in to make sure Chris liked her as well.

—

Eddie rubbed his hand over his face and laid back in bed again. He could hear Ana moving around out in the living room, still upset about how Eddie wasn’t allowing her in his bed. Eddie was still waking up gasping, and he had done it when his sheet fell off the bed. He knew he needed to talk to someone, but the fear was still in him about losing Chris. His parents weren’t happy with him being in LA. They weren’t happy. He didn’t want them up to help take care of him after being shot. Abuela had kept them up to date on everything with him, so they didn’t come up.

There was so much to do, and Eddie had so much time to do it, but still, he didn’t want to do it.

Ana was going to be at school the next day, so Eddie would be home alone, and he was looking forward to it. Chris would be home again to do his schooling, so it would be mostly alone. Chris was good at not bothering Eddie, and Eddie knew Chris loved school, even if things were not nearly as exciting as being inside of school.

Chris was going to Abuela’s for his schooling mainly as a way to get a little more distance from the house when Eddie hadn’t been moving around as well as he would like. Now, Eddie felt like he could take care of himself well enough to have Chris around him.

Eddie did have Buck coming over after his shift to help him do a little stuff around the house that Ana hadn’t been doing. Eddie felt he could ask her to help him with certain things, and Buck would be more than willing to do it.

“You need anything?” Ana asked as she came into the room again. Looking around like she expected something to be different.

“No, I don’t. Thanks.” Eddie rubbed at his eyes and then snagged his book from the bed and laid it on the nightstand. He turned off the light, hoping he would be left alone after this.

“Okay, Good night, Edmundo.”

“Night, Ana.”

Eddie was glad when his bedroom door shut and he was alone. There was something that made Eddie feel like an asshole and like he was doing something wrong because he couldn’t just allow Ana to be in bed with him. He didn’t want to share it with her at all. He wanted to be better at this, but it felt like he and Shannon had gotten together so long ago. They had been teenagers when they had gotten together, and it seemed like a world away and a lifetime ago. So Eddie had been just dealing with the fallout of Ana, who was upset.

The worst of it all was Buck, who seemed like a kicked puppy about all of this. Eddie wasn’t sure why Buck felt that bad about not being around Eddie. Nothing Eddie could think of explained why Buck was acting like he was.

Sleep came like shit, and Eddie woke up the next morning, upset at not getting sleep.

Ana kept looking at him, pursing her lips and frowning throughout breakfast. Eddie ignored her for the most part. He needed to calm down before Buck came over.

“Dad, can I go get ready?” Chris asked. His breakfast was half eaten.

“Sure,” Eddie said.

Ana sat up straighter and looked like she was going to fight it. She didn’t say a word until Chris was gone.

“Edmundo, he needs to eat more,” Ana said.

“Look, we are still having issues. He ate a good dinner last night, and if he keeps not eating, I’ll push it. His mornings are not always good with pain or just not sleeping well, especially if he’s going through a small growth spurt. I don’t make him eat if he’s not hungry.”

“Breakfast is the most important part of the day.”

“And making him eat more than he feels he can will make him throw up, and then he’ll have an upset stomach and no food in his stomach. How does that help him?”

“I guess that makes sense.”

Eddie remembered that Chris liked her, which was why Eddie was doing this. Ana didn’t seem to trust that Eddie knew what to do with his own kid. He would just have to make sure she saw it. He would prove to her that he was a wonderful father; she just had to understand that no two kids were the same, and treating Chris like any other wasn’t the way Eddie was going to raise his son.

“Will you be okay?” Ana asked.

“Yes, Ana, I will.” Eddie was looking forward to Ana leaving for the day.

Eddie waited for Ana to shut the door before he dropped onto the couch. He rubbed his eyes with his good arm and tried to relax. He wanted to enjoy his time with Buck.

Half an hour later, Eddie checked the time and frowned just as the sound of Buck’s Jeep pulling in made it inside. Eddie got up off the couch and opened the door. Buck had two bags of stuff he was getting from the back seat of the Jeep. Eddie frowned when he realized it was food.

“What’s this?”

“Oh, I spent part of yesterday doing that repair on Pepa’s place she asked you to do the day before-” Buck waved toward Eddie’s shoulder.

“I forgot about that. Thanks for doing that.”

“You are welcome. I offered when I remembered the other day when I was scrolling through our texts to look for something you said about Chris one day. So I texted her to ask if she still needed it done. I wasn’t sure if one of your cousins had been able to do it yet. I picked up some of your favorite things and a few other things that you might do better with on your meds. How is the nausea?”

“Not too bad. I took my pills about ten minutes ago, so I need to wait to shower.”

“Cool. I’ll do the cleaning in Chris’ rooms that you and Ana can’t do.”

Eddie nodded, and he followed Buck back to the bedrooms. Buck picked up and moved a few things around the room to dust behind and then swept up everything. It was the kind of thing Eddie did when Chris was at school when he wasn’t on shift. The furniture wasn’t something Eddie wanted Ana just moving, especially in Chris’ room. Chris wasn’t that happy with Ana just going into his room, but he was also nice about asking her to just not go in.

Chris might like her, but he didn’t like her that much. So Buck came over and did the things Eddie couldn’t.

“Are you just going to stand and stare?” Buck asked once he shut off the vacuum to move things back.

“THoughtI might. Talk to you between the vacuum running. Get your drinks. Now good for much else.”

“No, I bet you are not.” Buck laughed as he said it, snagged the desk, and carefully moved it back.

Eddie was constantly shocked by how Buck moved things with ease. It was like nothing. Eddie was built, but he had never been quite like that. He wanted to work himself back up to something a little closer than that. He wanted to be more of a person who could match Buck in rescues. He didn’t want to ever be anything but what Buck needed on the job.

“How are you feeling? Honestly?”

“Useless, but I always feel like just after an injury. Mentally, pretty good. Didn’t get much sleep last night, but that’s a given with how my arm has taken to aching. I’ll talk to the doctor at my next follow-up or call if the pain stays like it is at night or gets worse.”

Buck nodded his head and started to focus on moving things again.

It felt like there was a huge gap Eddie didn’t know how to get across between him and Buck right now.

“Is Chris liking being at Abuela’s for school right now?”

“Yes. I think he’ll like being here, but right now, I can’t do much at all with how heavy the pain and drugs are. I don’t want to upset him.”

Buck nodded.

Eddie needed to fix this, but he wasn’t sure how.

—

Buck looked at the latest message from Maddie about coming over to visit and see Jee-Yun and Maddie. Buck had swapped shifts with one of the C-Shift guys, so he would be working the next day, not today. Everyone else, including Chim, was on shift, so Buck would have thought that having another adult to help with Jee-Yun would be good.

“Okay, this is strange,” Buck said. He scrolled through his messages with his sister over the last two months and tried to remember the point he saw her more than just dropping off things he had bought for Jee. There hadn’t been a lot of time between them at all.

Buck looked over at the shelf that held items from when he had gone on a binge to learn a lot about pregnancy so he could help Maddie as much as possible. He hadn’t been too shocked that most of it was something that couldn’t be helped with more than doing what Maddie wanted.

Still, something was nagging at the back of his mind. He grabbed the few books he bought about what happened to the body after pregnancy. He didn’t know what was going on, but maybe this was something he had missed remembering from his research spiral.

“How do you feel about that chicken salad for lunch?” Taylor asked as she laid her head over his shoulder where he just sat down. Her arms came around him and held on tight.

“That sounds lovely, actually. The normal one or the spicy one?”

“The spicy one. I like the sweetness and spice of it all. I thought I would cut up the fruit as well.”

“Want help?”

“No, you work on this. I will work on lunch. I’m stuck on the article I am working on and want to get my head on it. I sometimes just need to do something else, and the answer will come to me when my brain is focused on something else.”

“Okay. If you change your mind, just come and get me.” Buck turned his head, and he was glad when Taylor gave him a kiss.

Things were good between them. They were moving slowly through things, even if sex was part of what they were getting up to. The daytime stuff was good. They were building something Buck had never had with anyone else, not even Abby. Buck would always be grateful to have Abby in his life, even if she broke his heart. She had taught him so much about himself and how he was someone who was worthy of love.

Buck stopped his research when Taylor had lunch ready. He didn’t even bring the book to the table since Taylor didn’t have her laptop. It was in the main part of the kitchen and ready for him to return to, but she had it apart from her, so they chit-chatted about things.

“Is something wrong with Maddie?”

“No, not…okay, I can’t say for certain. I just feel like there might be?” Buck said, making it sound a little like a question since he wasn’t sure what was going on.

“Then why don’t you go over and see her?”

“She keeps telling me no. Either they are both tired, or Jee’s down for a nap, or there is a doctor’s appointment.”

“Then ask her when is the best time for her for you to come over, then just give her a “hey, I want to come over now.” type thing. Let her set the time.”

Buck nodded, and picked up his phone, and flipped it over to text Maddie.

Buck: When would be the best time for me to come over and visit you and Jee?

Buck laid his phone down again, turning the sound of notifications up so he could hear it. He didn’t want to miss it.

‘Thanks. I didn’t even think of that.”

“No, because you’ve always been welcome outside a few times at your sister’s place. So you didn’t even think about it. Now, you go back to your research, and I’ll work on the article because I think I got through the last of the block I had going on with it.

Buck nodded his head, and he started to clean up. The dishes were easy to wash in the water Taylor already had in the sink to clean up her things as she worked on them. He didn’t like leaving everything for her to do. She did the same, cleaning up when he cooked most of the time. Things were already feeling so easy between them, and a part of Buck worried about what it meant. Everything in his life had been hard-won. He just wanted to be happy.

An hour later, Buck still hadn’t heard from Maddie. So he picked up his phone again.

Buck: I don’t mean just today, anytime, Maddie. I just want to see your face and hold Jee a little, maybe let you get some stuff done by watching her. Run out and get a drink with Josh or just ten minutes of not having to take care of Jee. I miss you.

“Nothing?”

“No, I let her know it wasn’t just today. Anytime. I just want to see her. I can’t shake the feeling something is wrong.”

“Maybe the thing is to force it. She might be mad, but if she doesn’t respond today, I would just go over there the next day off you have.”

“I think I will.” Buck picked up the last book. He hadn’t read it when he had bought them all, but he couldn’t remember why until he read the first part. It was a sad book. It wasn’t a celebration of new life and the changes to the body. It was the darker side of pregnancy and the things that could go wrong before birth and after when it came to the mothers’ bodies.

Buck looked back at the listing for the chapters, and he found the post-birth section, reading over the headings.

Postpartum Depression.

Buck wasn’t sure why, but he flipped to that section and started to read. He didn’t know what he was going to be able to learn from a single chapter, but he hoped it was enough.

“Buck?” Taylor asked half an hour later.

“”Yes?” Buck forced his gaze off the page.

“You have stared at that page for five minutes without flipping.”

“PPD.”

“Ah. I see why that might have gotten your thoughts swirling. Do you think it’s what it is?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know at all. I guess I just am seeing so much between our mother and Maddie right now.”

“How?”

“Mom never got help after Daniel died.”

“Daniel?”

“Oh, yeah. You weren’t around for that earlier. I found out I had a brother who died when I was one, and he was erased from our lives by our parents. I don’t want to get into that right now. I will just not now.”

“Do you want…” Taylor pursed her lips, and she looked like she wanted to do more. She sat down on the couch beside him and cocked her head to the side. “I can look up stuff. Let you know what I find, if you want. But only if you want. No, like a big thing.”

“I never dared. It was a research spiral I didn’t want to go down. I know where we used to live, Maddie told me, but I only let myself research Savior siblings and the type of Leukemia he died of. So you looking would be good, I think.”

“I’ll work on it where I can. See about a few sources here and there. So, your mom never got help after your brother died.”

“They hate therapy. I mean, they didn’t go, and I was treated like I didn’t matter all of my life, and then they dropped that they went and got therapy to deal with Maddie’s husband trying to kill her after she ran from him because he was abusive.”

“That’s fucked up,” Taylor said. She curled her feet and legs onto the couch and leaned her head on the cushion. “I mean, her child died, and she didn’t seek therapy, but she went to get it when her daughter was nearly killed?”

“Buck raised an eyebrow.

“I remember reading about it and seeing a few newsreels on it. It was scary, Buck. I haven’t ever known someone who was abused like that. It makes you think when it happens.”

“I always thought she was the favorite. It was the way I looked at it. I mean, they paid attention to her. When she did what they didn’t want, they acted like she didn’t exist, but I still wasn’t elevated. One of the boys I went to school with was kicked out of the house when he turned eighteen because he didn’t want to be a doctor like his parents wanted. It was what I used to think about Maddie. Looking back, I can see it. Daniel died, and that was him doing what they didn’t want. Maddie married Doug; I didn’t save Daniel. We never could live up to what they wanted. It was the worst, growing up.”

“I can see your issues and everything just knowing that about you. Those little things added up to a picture that you recognized. I had a cousin I never connected to being autistic until her diagnosis, but many of us already treated her like that.”

“I’ve learned a lot in therapy, but parts of it, I’ll never really get over it, and I can only recognize it in the end. It’s hard sometimes.”

“It can be. I was in and out of therapy all through my kid and teenage years, then in college, I took it seriously. I knew it would help me.”

“I didn’t do it for a long time, but then, during COVID, I knew I needed more help. It was good; the last time I was in therapy, things didn’t go well. So doing the video conference calls was the best thing for me.”

“We can talk about that later, and then I’ll tell you about the therapist who was trying to convince me to lie about what I had seen when I was young to get my father in more trouble.”

Buck nodded his head.

—

Two days later, Buck was still just staring at the text he had gotten from Maddie about how they wanted it to be the three of them for a little while, more bonding time and fewer strangers in and out.

There was something wrong.

Chim was tired when at work, and he seemed stressed. Maddie was silent when Buck asked if there was anything he could do to help settle things down. Then there was the fact of Chim dodging Buck’s questions as well.

So Buck spent the first day of his four days off just reading everything online about PPD and the best places for treatment if Maddie wanted inpatient, outpatient, or something that was a hybrid of the two. He figured out the best therapist in the area if she didn’t want anything formal at all and just wanted to talk to a therapist. He had figured out things he could do to help and how things might go once, Buck presented it all to her.

He talked to several women online who were willing to talk about their issues with PPD and even a woman who had thought she had PPD, and it ended up being something else.

There was something a little scary about Maddie facing this alone. She wasn’t fully alone, but Buck wasn’t sure what kind of support she was getting from Chim. Buck hadn’t seen how they were together in a while with COVID and everything. Chim had been scared he would do something wrong, and then there was everything that had happened with Tatiana.

Buck checked his phone again, looking for a text from Maddie or Eddie. He had texted Eddie as well about having a night with his guys, but Eddie had said he would get back to him as soon as he figured it out. It had been two days of silence since then as well. Buck wasn’t sure what he felt should be happening, but this wasn’t it.

“Everyone always leaves me,” Buck said. He had known that Eddie getting a girlfriend would change things, but he hadn’t thought it would be this quickly. Ana was more important, and he got that. It hadn’t taken long, really. He just didn’t know why it felt like there was something else there as well.

“Okay, Maddie, what’s up with you?” Buck asked. He dropped his phone and pushed back from where he was sitting. He looked around his loft and found the memories of his time with Taylor dominating.

After Ali left, Buck lost himself for a while, even without the whole truck on his leg. He had settled in and started to be happy there on his own. COVID made him feel like he was turning the loft into a place to live instead of just a place where he slept. He hadn’t had a place like that in a long time.

He picked up the little bit of junk scattered around and settled the notebook he was witting in with the books he had yet to read. He might have gone a little nuts as he waited for Maddie to message him back.

Buck was torn between what he was going to do. He really needed to pick what he wanted to do. He wanted to go to Maddie and force something. He was at loose ends, with Eddie pushing him slowly out. Eddie didn’t need help with showering anymore, and it seemed that things with Ana were pushing forward. As far as Buck knew, Ana was still staying the night, and this long, she had to be in Eddie’s bed. Eddie wasn’t good at sticking to those kinds of things when it came to Ana. The pressure to do things at her pace instead of his own was strong.

The sound of a key in the lock made Buck smile. Taylor had said she would come over when she was done with work for the day. He had lost track of time, and things would be hectic as he worked on cleaning up.

For a few seconds, Buck wished it was Eddie letting himself in. Yet, that wasn’t going to be something that happened for a while now. It wasn’t like Eddie wanted to see him.

“You look like the kid who had his toys taken.”

“I’m trying to decide who to confront first,” Buck said.

“Who? Is there…Eddie.”

“Yeah, he’s now saying he doesn’t have time for me. So I’m trying to figure out who to go after first, and I think it will be Maddie. If she does have PPD and everything is messed up there, I think she might need me more than Eddie does.”

“Well, we have no clue what is going on with Eddie, but I agree that Maddie seems to need you more right now. What can I do?”

“I have no clue beyond supporting me. I don’t want to bring you in on this. I don’t want Maddie to feel like she needs to act like anything other than she is because there is someone else there.”

Taylor nodded. She stepped up to Buck, wrapped her arms around him, and held on tightly. Buck wrapped his arms and took the comfort she was giving him. He was a little lost, but that was okay. He had learned that being lost for a little while was part of being an adult. How one dealt with being lost showed how far one had come.

“So, talk with me about what you want to say to Maddie. Maybe we can write it down?”

“I don’t want to use cue cards,” Buck said.

“Sometimes it’s best. I’ve done it before when talking about things. Especially when things are emotional.”

“Maybe.” Buck pulled back far enough to kiss her. He kept her close even as he moved her into the living room. He didn’t want to do much, but a little more kissing would settle him down right now. A reminder he wasn’t alone.

Chapter 3

Buck paused outside Maddie’s door. He knew Chim was out with Hen right now as they had talked about it the day before at work. It took Buck a little longer to work through what he would say to Maddie with Taylor, and he ended up being back at work before getting it all together. It was a few days of working again, and then he would be off for his four again. He wasn’t too upset about all of that.

The neighbor peeked her head out of the door again and glared at Buck.

“Sorry,” Buck said.

“You aren’t…going to do something stupid, are you?”

“Well, maybe? My sister lives here, and she’s been avoiding me. I’m kind of confronting her about it.”

“I wish you luck.”

“Thanks.” Buck turned back to the door, held his hand up, and knocked. He didn’t do it too loud as he didn’t want to wake up Jee-Yun if she was asleep. After a few seconds, he was afraid he had knocked too lightly, but he didn’t want to do it any harder. He was trying to figure out what to do when the door opened.

“Evan, what are you doing here?”

“That might be something you want to talk about in private. Instead of where the neighbors can hear.”

Maddie looked at Buck like she was trying to figure out what he knew and if she didn’t want to just have it out there.

“Fine,” Maddie said. She turned to allow Buck into the apartment.

Buck looked around, and it looked clean. He also watched as Maddie walked. There was no evidence of lingering pain.

Everything from Doug was still bright and clear in his head. He didn’t want to assume Chim was hurting Maddie, but her husband abused her the last time she pulled away like this.

“Everything is fine. You can leave now.”

“Maddie, I can’t. I am unsure what is happening, but…things have been strained between us.” Buck steeled himself for what he was about to say. It was a little mean, but he hoped it got Maddie to understand what was going on with him. “Did I do something to make you hate me?”

“No,” Maddie said.

“Do you not want me around ever again?”

Maddie started to cry, and she dropped down onto the couch. She buried her face in her hands. Buck was tempted to move over and wrap her in his arms, but he wouldn’t do it yet. He needed her to understand he meant what he said.

“I want you around, Buck. Things are just so hard right now.”

“Then let me help you.”

“You can’t.”

“How do you know? Or is someone else telling you that?”

Maddie wiped at the tears on her face and looked at him like she didn’t understand what he was saying. “No, no. No one is telling me that. No one…why would you think that?”

“Well, the last time I was cut off from you like this, Doug kept you from me. Or you were keeping the abuse from me by cutting me off.”

“Oh, Evan.” Maddie jumped up, but Buck held up his hands to stop her from living toward him.

“No, you don’t get to just…do whatever you were thinking there and make me feel bad for thinking that. I have had nothing for weeks, Maddie. I tried to do things at your pace. I tried to be distant and supportive. I just want to see you. I just want to see my niece. If that’s not possible, then I’ll leave, and you won’t need to worry again, but this will be it. We won’t go back to being close. I can’t do the push-pull thing with you. If you need time, that’s fine, but you have to tell me that. I told you I was going through a rough patch and needed a few weeks. You were a little upset, but you understood I needed it for me. I would give you the same, but just dodging me? Telling me that you don’t have time for me?”

“Howie is not hurting me.”

“I didn’t want to think he was, but Maddie, I can only go on what I know. I know what was happening the last time you acted like this. I know that Chim can have a temper on him. He’s been exhausted at work, and he and Hen have been talking about colic. It seems like everyone else knows what is going on with my sister and my niece but me. What am I supposed to think?”

“I don’t know. I just…I’m so overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do. The pills I’m on are not helping, and we are trying to find new ones; therapy is hard and sometimes hurts more than it helps. I feel like I’m drowning.”

Buck stepped over to Maddie and sat down on the couch. He pulled her down and into his arms. He held her tightly as Maddie broke down in his arms. He sent a silent thanks to Taylor for helping him get his words down. He still had stuff written on his phone, but he would cover that later.

“I’m sorry,” Maddie said as soon as he pulled out of Buck’s arms a little while later.

“What is the apology for? If it’s for the tears, then you can shut up. If it’s for pushing me away, I forgive you.”

“Pushing. I just…It’s so shameful.”

“PPD is not shameful; it only is because everyone else tells mothers that. I remember hearing mom talk about it once, how it showed that the mother wasn’t ready for the kid. that the mother had done something wrong. Then it was found out the mother had two other kids, and still, our mother was shit about it all. I think you were at a college at the time. So I just tried to be nicer to the woman. She lived down the street from us.”

“How did you know?”

“It’s the only thing that made sense. If it was something else medical, then you wouldn’t be trying to hide like this. You have taken our mother’s words on too much. You are not at fault for this.”

“I thought I just had to get better. I just had to be better, and things would go away.’

“Well, pregnancy is hard on the body, Maddie. There are so many things that can go wrong. You have gotten a full workup, right?”

“Full? No. Just the normal follow-up after birth.”

“You haven’t made sure it’s not something else on top of the PPD or something else that is mimicking PPD?”

“There is no such thing,” Maddie said.

“Oh, there is. I’ve done nothing but research for two weeks, Maddie, as I have tried to figure out what might be going on beyond you just not wanting me around. It’s you and me against the world, Maddie.” Buck reached out and clasped her on the shoulder. “I would never leave you during this.”

“You have Taylor.”

“And we both have jobs, and Taylor isn’t going to be upset that you need me more right now. She’s seen how I am right now.”

“You need to pay attention to her as well.’

“Maddie, if she’s going to be pissed off that I’m taking care of my sister, then I don’t want to be with her. You aren’t getting rid of me.”

Maddie looked like she was going to cry again.

“Maddie?” Chim called out as he came into the apartment. “Why is the door unlocked?”

“Evan’s here.”

“Do you want me to get rid of him?”

Buck sat back on the couch as Chim came into the living room. He looked very upset, looking at Buck like he wanted to throw him out.

“You weren’t supposed to come around when someone tells you not to.”

“Sorry for being worried about my sister and her acting like she did when she got with Doug.”

“You calling me abusive?” Chim asked as he stepped up to stand in front of Buck.

“I can only go off what I know, and while I know that you are someone who I thought would never lay their hands on someone in anger or when stressed out, Maddie has only cut me out of her life like this once before.”

“You need to leave,” Chim said.

“No, Howie, he doesn’t.”

“This is my place too, Maddie, and I want him gone.”

“Don’t worry, Maddie.” Buck stood up, and he made sure he showed off the difference in size between the two of them. “Let me know when I can come around again but don’t wait too long.”

“Is that a threat?” Chim asked.

“I guess it could be taken that way. I told her I wouldn’t wait around and accept her in my life again if I’m cut out like she’s been doing.”

“Out,” Chim said.

Buck gladly left. He knew Chim had been worried and tired, but he wasn’t sure that Chim didn’t have PPD himself. He decided to take the stairs as he wanted the workout that gave him over just waiting in the elevator. He kept on going through things in his head.

Pregnancy was horrible for the body, and so much could go wrong during it.

Once in the parking garage, Buck looked at his Jeep as he thought about what he wanted to do. He had a few plans, but most of them were centered around a friend of his. He just hadn’t talked to Dae in about two months. Dae had taken over a new job and had been hush-hush about it. Buck wasn’t sure he wanted to call him, but at most, the guy could say things were too busy to talk.

“Buckley, it’s good to hear from you, brother. What’s up?”

“Just called to see how you were and maybe ask for some advice,” Buck said.

“I am free for lunch. Why don’t we meet at that taco place in half an hour? The one you took me to when I came to visit you in LA when you first moved here?”

Before Buck could answer, Dae hung up the phone.

Buck stared at his phone for a few seconds before he got into his Jeep. He wasn’t sure what the hell was going on. He would go to the place Dae was talking about.

Erring on the side of caution, Buck went over there first. He got a table and ordered a drink so he had time to get it gone before he drove. Still, he wasn’t sure what he would end up doing.

Ten minutes before the half an hour, Dae walked in, a shirt that was skin tight, like Buck’s. Dae looked just as beautiful as he had when Buck had met him while traveling around the country. He was one of the only ones Buck had kept in contact with after moving on. He just liked him.

Dae kissed Buck on the cheek, and his thumb rubbed over Buck’s bottom lip.

“Still pretty as sin,” Dae said.

“I know, and you are still beautiful. So why are you in LA, and why didn’t I know it?”

“Well, it was a surprise. I just got a little busier for longer than I wanted. The new job is here. At Byrne Memorial.”

“Are you still in trauma surgery?” Buck asked.

“I am. Why?”

Buck shook his head.

“Oh, the firefighters who were shot. Which one was on your team?”

“Edmundo Diaz.”

“How is he doing?”

“Pretty good. I think.”

“You think? You and Eddie aren’t hip-deep in each other?”

“Eddie’s got his girlfriend. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, though.”

“Oh? Do you need a medical opinion on something else?”

“You still do rotations through the maternity ward, right?”

“I do. I take care of as many as possible, and when I’m done with the trauma of the ER and injuries, I will move to the maternity ward for a while to not burn out; why?”

“Maddie.”

“She was fine, right? Nothing happened during her surgery, right?”

“No, nothing. She’s good on that front. I think she’s got PPD and something else. I just… I’ve spent too much time researching it all. Chim’s protecting her, and I think he’s too deep in it all to see that he’s doing more harm than good.”

“Okay, start at the beginning,” Dae said.

Buck did. He went from the moment Jee was born to now and how Maddie contacted Buck less and less. He even handed over his phone for Dae to read the texts between them.

“You are depressed again, aren’t you?” Dae asked.

“That’s another matter altogether and tied in with Eddie as well. I just…right now, I need to focus on her.”

“Okay, but we are working on each other as well. So you can just settle in and be prepared.”

“I’ll introduce you to Taylor as well.”

“Taylor? You are back with her? Is it just sex this time?”

“Npo, we fight together pretty well. COVID changed her outlook on life. Honestly, it changed the outlook of a lot of people who thought they were happy alone, but they were not because they had interactions outside of everything. I still had work, and then I had everyone living with me. I wasn’t alone. I was pretty happy with everything, and then they left, and I was floundering for a while.”

“Well, what do you see as the best outcome of this thing with Maddie?”

“She gets the help, whether it’s therapy or pills, and she gets to be what she wants to be, the best mother to Jee-Yun.”

“Okay. That’s a good place to want her to be. What about Chim?”

“What?” Buck was about to ask another question, but the waiter came over and looked at them. He grinned at Buck before looking at Dae.

“What can I get you, sir?”

“Whatever you are making for him, but instead of the on the rocks, I want it frozen.”

“We can do that. I’ll have it all out in a few minutes.”

“Come here often?” Dae asked.

“More than I probably should, but I love the food.”

“So what do you want to do right now, beyond eating?”

“I have no clue. We can go back to mine to talk about what research I have done and what I should do from your point of view.”

“And then we will talk about you and Taylor when you are in love with Eddie?”

Buck knew Dae wasn’t going to let that go. He just hoped that Dae would at least allow Buck to bring it up.

“Sure. Just not here.”

—

Buck regretted ever letting Dae-Hyun Jin into his life. He regretted meeting him in the club when he was too young to consider his safety. He regretted ever going home with him and learning about the way to have sex with a man, something he had never tried when he was in Hershey or at college. His parents already hated him for something he could never control, which he hadn’t known at the time, and he was afraid to have that be something else his parents disliked him for.

“Don’t pout at me like that,” Dae said. He cocked his head to the side and then turned to look where Taylor was letting herself in. She stopped and took in Dae before he dropped her stuff on the island in the kitchen. She held out her hand to Dae.

“Taylor Kelly,” Taylor said.

“Dae-Hyun Jin.”

“Buck always said you were beautiful, but I never believed him. I guess that he was right. I’m glad you are able to be here to talk to him about this. He’s a little off about everything as he doesn’t want to push and have her leave him.”

“Oh, we are talking about Eddie as well. That’s not the biggest thing, though; Maddie is, of course. I’ve given him an idea of where to start given what he can figure out based on what he was seen when it comes to her symptoms.”

“I brought the Thai Buck told me to. Do you want to help me with it? Buck looks a little toasted.”

“I might have been pushing him to drink even at lunch. I drove, so don’t worry about that.”

“I was shocked he said you were here.”

Their voices trailed off, and Buck nestled further into the couch, trying to become one with it. He listened as the two of them got to know each other.

The thought of Dae coming back into his life full-time was stunning to Buck. He knew why Dae had not told him. He knew wanting to get his feet under before doing something else. He just also didn’t know what to do about it. He would go to Eddie to talk about this normally, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Buck looked at his phone and was shocked to see a message from Eddie. It must have been when Dae told him about a few of the strange cases he had pulled in on before coming to LA.

It was a picture of Chris with whipped cream on his upper lip and a huge grin on his face. Behind Chris was Ana with her arms crossed like she was upset. Buck wondered if Eddie even noticed it. Ana didn’t fit in with them. Ana wasn’t all about fun and living the best life. She was about rules and the way of doing things.

Buck cropped the photo to where it was just down to Chris’ face to get rid of Ana because he didn’t want to see her disapproval about things with Chris every time he wanted to look at that picture.

Taylor was the first one back, with two plates of food in her hands, while Dae was behind her by about ten feet with his food in hand and three bottles of water. He sat down where he had been at the other end of the couch while Taylor settled in between them, carefully handling Buck his plate of Pad Thai. He looked to see if it was the veggie version, which was good, but he didn’t want meat at the moment.

“So, Dae, what brings you to LA for a visit at the most perfect time?”

“I’ve been here for a few months. I’m over at Byrne Memorial as a trauma surgeon.”

“Oh, that’s great. Buck will love that he needs more friends here in LA.”

“Hey,” Buck said, brandishing his fork at her after taking it out of his mouth.

“You do. Almost all of them revolve around work. I don’t think the lawsuit would have happened like it did if Dae lived around here.”

“No, it wouldn’t have.” Dae laughed and shook his head. “I mean, I still would have talked him into suing if the Union did nothing but at least start with the Union. I also put that down to the rep in the station, which should have been talking to everyone about various things with the Union. I mean, what happened with the captain and the Union was personal in a way since he had to have lied to the Union about those things as well. I can see that, but Buck being held back from working is like the Union’s bread and butter.”

“Who was the union person then?” Taylor asked.

“A guy named Green. He retired not long after, and Makepeace started to learn it all. He worked well with everyone who needed it. Why?”

“Just making sure that same idiot isn’t still there.”

Buck wasn’t so sure about that, but as long as Taylor wasn’t going to write an expose about things after nearly two years, he was okay with her just asking idle questions.”

“You look tired,” Taylor said.

“Hmm, tired drunk today,” Buck said.

“Well, eat, and then I’ll get you into bed. Sleep it off in time for work. You are drinking that water and another before you pass out, though.”

“I’ve been plying him with water. He shouldn’t be too hung over.”

“Nothing that toaster waffles won’t fix for me,” Buck said.

“You have toaster waffles?”

“I do now. You said they were your comfort food.”

“You have toaster waffles?” Dae asked. He sounded incredulous.

“Yes. I forgot how much I liked them. They were nothing like the waffles I make, but they are pretty good for a quick snack, and I used to eat them after nights of drinking. Probably because I drink a lot of orange juice and coffee when eating them.”

Buck settled in on eating his food while Taylor talked to Dae about how Dae was finding living in LA so far. When the plate was mostly empty, Buck set it aside to get the rest of the water inside of him. He settled on the couch again and listened to the words as they washed over him.

Sleep sounded really, really good.

—

Buck woke up warm, not overly warm, just warmer than normal when he was waking up with Taylor in his arms. He stretched a little and paused when he felt more than one set of legs tagged with his own. Dae was in bed with them, plastered to Buck’s back. He could feel his friend’s erection there; it wasn’t even something out of the norm for them.

Sex was something normal between them and had been for years. If they were single, they were falling into bed together.

“Awake?” Taylor asked.

“Hmm,” Buck answered, trying to sound a little more asleep than he was. He was alert as hell at the moment. “Time?”

“More than enough time for a good morning wake up for you. Dae talked to me about pampering you last night. We also talked a little about how you two love to fuck.”

“Used to, not while with you.”

“No, I didn’t think that you would cheat on me. You are many things but not someone who does that. However, I don’t know that me watching him fuck you is really doing much more than adding him in for a day.”

“Seriously?” Buck asked.

“Oh, yes. I thought that I would take a ride first. Roll you on your back and settle across your hard cock and just take what I want, and then he can take you how he wants. Make your brain die a little before you go to work. Make sure they all see how fucked out you are.”

Taylor moved, sliding to stop him, and Dae rolled away but not too far, just allowing Buck to settle on his back on the bed. Taylor was in the nightgown Buck loved, just sheer enough to see, though, but mostly covering her all up. It made him want to lean up and suck on her nipples.

She caught his hands and then leaned up to press them down into the bed as she ground herself on his cock. “No.”

Buck whined a little, but he liked it. He didn’t mind giving up control sometimes, and being taken care of sounded really good.

“Good boy,” Taylor said before she sat up again. “Condom, please, Dae.”

“Sure.” Dae grabbed a few from the drawer, and he dropped one onto Buck’s chest, and the lube and the rest of the condoms landed between them. “Evan?”

“Yes,” Buck said.

“Yes, to what?”

“Everything. You know what I like.”

“Okay.” Dae turned his Taylor. “Lean back, and I’ll get this on him.”

Taylor nodded, and she did as Dae asked her to. Dae’s hand was sure as it rolled the condom down, just like it used to be when Dae had taught him all about sex with a man.

Just a little lube was put on the head of Buck’s cock before Taylor moved up again to slide down. She was already so wet that the lube hadn’t been needed, but Buck was all for never hurting her. There was never a thing such as too much lube when it came to penetration.

Taylor kept hold of Buck’s hands to stop him from touching as she slowly found a rhythm she liked. Buck found his body settling down into it, being more than willing to be a passive partner in sex when he usually liked to take charge and make sure that both sides were getting what they wanted.

Dae moved to where he was behind Taylor, and his hands ghosted up and down Taylor’s sides for a few seconds before moving to the base of her nightgown and waiting.

Despite being gay, Buck knew Dae knew his way around a female body, usually from things like this with married couples.

“Yes,” Taylor said.

Dae chuckled as he got his hands under Taylor’s gown and went right for her breasts. Buck jerked his hips, and Taylor dropped onto his cock and lay there while Dae got his hands where he wanted them. Buck tried not to grip Taylor’s hands too hard, but he knew she would tell him if he hurt her.

Taylor dropped her head back to rest on Dae’s shoulder before she started to rock her hips again.

Buck had never taken himself for someone who would like to share, but things were still new between them, and they had that just having sex thing before. Yet, there was something else about this that made him think that being with Taylor and someone else wasn’t going to bother him. He shoved that thought away and just reveled in the way his cock was being gripped by Taylor’s walls and how she was gasping as Dae worked her breasts, mostly unseen by him, under her nightgown. It made it all seem illicit in the most perfect way.

“Close,” Taylor said.

“Yeah?” Buck asked as he got his feet under him a little despite two bodies over them. He rocked up into her as Dae started to trail a hand down. He helped Buck get Taylor off the rest of the way, a hand on her breast and the other rubbing just so on her clit.

Taylor let go of Buck’s hands, and he surged up to cradle her close through the rest of her orgasm and the start of his own. Dae backed off, but not too far before he settled at the foot of the bed.

Buck took Taylor’s mouth, the only part of all that he really missed. They stayed like that, trading kisses until Buck was soft and knew he needed to get out of her and the condom off. He broke the kiss and pulled back to see Taylor looked mussed up and beautiful. He really liked her like this, looking like she was sated and happy, just happy to be there. This was where the love of sex came from; that and the affection and thinking sex could replace that kind of thing.

“Too bad he’s gay. He makes good orgasms.”

“I don’t find the female body attractive, but I have taken my fair share of them to bed. Husbands and wives who are adventurous and others who don’t want to do anal, but the women love it. Kink is kink.”

“True.”

“Now it’s my turn to make Evan here feel damned good.”

“I think that kissing is on the table,” Taylor said.

“Tay?” Buck asked.

“We discussed things last night, and I wasn’t sure, but I think I do want it. I want to see it and see if that’s something that I would like. I am not sure I could ever invite a woman to our bed, but a man? Maybe.”

“Well, it’s good there are no hard feelings, even if you find you can’t do this.”

Taylor nodded, and she carefully started to lift up. Buck reached down, but before he could, his cock was wrapped in Dae’s hand, keeping the condom down on his cock. When Taylor was lying on the side of the bed, Dae rolled Buck to his side to face her and got the condom off before tossing it into the trash.

Dae settled in behind him, moving Buck’s leg to where he could get access to his ass.

“Yeah, I think I can watch this,” Taylor said. She propped her head on her hand and licked her lips.

Buck closed his eyes as he felt the first brush of a finger over his hole, and he whimpered a little at the tease of it.

“I feel like this would be something I play in my head to get off when you are working nights, and I’m horny. Fingers playing with my clit or buried inside of me. I need to bring over a toy I don’t mind parting with and keeping here. Get off and then go in late to work and let you find me still all wet from the night before and have you fuck me.”

“Shit, her mouth. I think she could talk you to orgasm,” Dae said.

“Oh, she can. She’s done something like it. Just sat on my cock and talked about the dirty things she wants me to do to her and then rocked just enough to get me hard again before swapping condoms and riding me hard.”

“If it wasn’t such a horrible prospect with your jobs, I would say the two of you would do well at porn.”

Taylor laughed and snagged the lube, slicking up her fingers and dropping them down to her groin. She moaned as little as she started to rub.

“Look at that. Your girl is going to give you a show while I fuck you.” Dae pressed two fingers inside of Buck. “Still play with yourself in the shower?”

“Never said I didn’t. Taylor likes to do it as well. She also likes the dildo I have in the dresser drawer. Rides my cock and then will sometimes fuck me with the dildo after she’s got off to make me come or to do it until I cry from being too sensitive.”

Buck shuddered as the fingers were pulled from him, and then he felt the blunt head of Dae’s cock. Dae didn’t push in, though; he just teased Buck by rubbing it up and down his hole. He pushed in just a little and then groaned before he stopped altogether.

“Dae?”

“I’ve dreamed of fucking you again, and I’m trying to figure out which way I want if this is a one-time thing. So, on your front.”

Buck rolled to where he was on his front, his legs spread to give Dae the access Buck knew he wanted. Buck turned his head to look at Taylor, who wasn’t even trying to hide that she was going to move to get a good look at Dae fucking him.

The feel of Dae’s cock at his hole and Buck grabbing the bedding and holding on. He rolled his hips a little, making Dae smack his hip before pushing inside. Dae was thick and all kinds of perfect inside of him.

“That should not be as hot as it is,” Taylor said.

“He takes cock so well. he was a blushing anal virgin when I met him, and by the time he moved on to the next place he was living, there wasn’t much we hadn’t done.” Dae rolled his hips, making the rocking motion feel like heaven inside Buck. Dae paused only long enough to press Buck’s hands into the bed, stopping Buck from being able to use them to fuck himself on Dae’s cock.

“You look dripping wet. Wanna put his mouth to something useful?”

Buck turned his head to bury it in the pillow. They were going to kill him.

Taylor scooted over, and Dae let go of Buck’s hands to where he could get on his elbows to allow Taylor to get her cunt in front of him. He gladly licked, glad their lube wasn’t something he had to worry about having in his mouth. He waited for her to spread her lips a little since he was using his arms to keep him up and not hurt himself.

There was nothing but the feel of Taylor’s cunt grinding against him and the cock inside of him as Buck lost himself in the pleasure. He wanted this to go on forever, but he knew that he wasn’t going to last long, and neither were the other two. Then there was Dae holding him down in place as he came, not wanting to jerk too hard on Buck. Taylor slumped into the headboard when she came, and Buck wasn’t sure how close he was, but it only took a few fingers inside of him and a few seconds of rubbing for him to come so hard he saw stars.

Work was going to suck, but it was worth it.

Chapter 4

Buck got out of his Jeep and grabbed his bag before slipping his keys down inside the small pocket at the end of it. He was happy, even if his body still felt a little bit like Jell-O from the morning’s sex with Taylor and Dae. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave the two of them there alone, but he had to get to work. Thankfully, Dae had work later, and Taylor did as well. There wasn’t a lot for them to have time to do much in the way of ganging up on him about things.

“You look happy,” Makepeace said as Buck came into the truck bay.

“I had a good morning. You look pretty put out.”

Makepeace looked up and toward the loft where Chim was pacing back and forth.

“What’s up?”

“No clue. He’s been waiting for Bobby to leave his office, pacing like that. I think it has to do with you. Why don’t you get somewhere he can’t see you?”

Buck wasn’t sure what was up, but he figured it had to do with everything that had happened with Maddie. He ducked under the loft area and quickly got dressed. He checked his messages to see if he had heard from Eddie at all. Even though he had texted before he left to ask how Eddie was doing, there was nothing.

It felt like his life was falling apart.

Just as Buck was leaving the locker room, he saw Bobby coming across the floor to head up to the loft. He rushed out of the room, his boots mostly not tied. He got where he could listen in and waited to hear what was happening.

“Cap, you need to bench Buck,” Chim said.

“Did something happen to him?”

“He’s butting in where he doesn’t belong at all. He’s trying to push into Maddie’s life and needs to be put in his place.”

“Okay, okay, let’s back this up. What is going on with Maddie?”

“He refused to stay away when Maddie told him to stay away. Now he thinks something is wrong with Maddie, and he’s trying to make her do something she doesn’t want.”

“So he’s butting into her life like she did with his over his leg?” Bobby asked.

“It’s not the same?” Chim said.

“Why not? I think you need to let them take care of this on their own. I am not butting into their lives when it comes to working. If Buck’s doing something stupid on the job, I will make sure he’s not a liability to anyone else. Now, is there anything that actually has merit on Buck and his job that I need to know about?”

“No,” Chim said.

“Good. Now, do you remember what I talked to you and Buck about with making work emotional with family issues after finding out about Daniel and Maddie ambushing him here to talk to him about everything?”

“Keep home out of work as much as possible. I will if he will.”

“I’m sure he will. He doesn’t talk about most things unless people push him, so don’t provoke him.”

Buck looked at Makepeace, who gave him a grin and waved him over. There was a small group who were working on stocking the vehicles. Buck would gladly start that.

When they were all taking a few minutes to check through things in their lockers, Buck started to text Taylor about what Chim tried to do and how upset he was with Chim for trying to fuck with his job. He didn’t want to be that kind of person, but it was just the end of things for him.

“You done?” Bobby asked a few minutes later.

“Sure. Wanna talk in your office?”

Bobby nodded.

Buck followed him to his office, knowing this was about what Chim had brought to him but wanting Buck’s side of things.

“Lay it out for me,” Bobby said.

“Well, for over a month now, Maddie’s been dodging me. At first, I was saying Hey, can I come over at this specific time and she was always doing something, or Jee would be down for a nap at that time. Then I asked what time worked for her, and still nothing. I’ve not seen her until I went to her place, which is when Chim arrived and got really upset. Maddie had invited me in. She didn’t tell me to leave, but Chim freaked out. I left when he told me to, and I haven’t heard from Maddie since then. Bobby, I am not sure what she’s got, but she needs something. I didn’t barge in and demand her just do what I wanted. I want her to be happy and healthy. I want her to be a good mom to Jee.”

“So Chim thinks you are stepping on his toes as Maddie’s boyfriend.”

“I don’t know. I just know that I miss my sister. I miss her face, and I wanna love on my niece.”

“I overheard Chim talking to Hen about getting a restraining order on Maddie and Jee to stop you from getting within so many feet. That feels like there is something else going on.”

Buck drew out his phone and opened it up to the texts he had with Maddie. He went back to when he noticed the issue, and he let Bobby read them.

“If Maddie wants me to get the stupid restraining order, I’ll just stay away. Chim’s freaked out about something, and I am not sure what it is. Maybe he’s suffering from PPD as well.”

“You think it’s PPD?”

“For Maddie, yes. I’m unsure about Chim or if he’s just so worried and stressed out that he isn’t thinking right.”

“I’ll think about things. For now, try and stay away from him unless you have to. You can do that if you want to ride on a different rig. I’ll not stop you. I know things are a little wonky with you helping Eddie. Missing him will make you upset a little bit, but I think that you will be fine.”

Buck nodded. He didn’t want to say anything but didn’t want Bobby to think he was stretched out.

“Ana’s taking care of Eddie. I’ve not seen him much at all since he got out of the hospital. Ana’s taking care of him and Chris and making things good.”

“I see. I guess I understand that.”

“I’m glad you do ’cause I don’t. I’ve actually heard more from Maddie this time than I have from Eddie. If it wasn’t for Pepa and Abuela, I wouldn’t know what is going on with them.”

“Do you need to talk more?”

“No, this is…I’m fine. I’ve talked with Taylor, Dae, and Doctor Copeland.”

“Dae?”

“Dae-Hyun Jin. He’s a man I met years ago before I settled in LA. We stayed friends through it all. He’s living here now. Works at Byrne Memorial. He’s not said it, but I’m pretty sure he was the one who operated on Eddie.”

Before Bobby could say anything, the bell went off.

“Are you sure your head is in the game?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, saddle up,” Bobby said.

“Swaddle?”

“Athena and I were watching a Western last night.”

—

Eddie wasn’t sure what was making him upset. He looked around his house, which was spotless. He looked at Chris, who was doing his schoolwork. It was like there was something missing, and he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Ana was at work, which Eddie was glad of. She hovered too much, and Eddie was pretty sure she was making him rest too much to make sure he didn’t go back to work as early as he normally would. He needed to see about therapy and everything, so it was on his plans to do that day.

“What do you want for lunch, Mijo?” Eddie asked when Chris’s feed went dark while he waited for his next teacher to pop up.

“Sandwiches.”

Eddie nodded. He could do that easily. He had some mayo that Buck liked mixing up for their sandwiches.

It wasn’t until Eddie was nearly done with getting the lunch ready that he figured out what was missing from his life. Buck. There were pieces of him all over the place, but the overt things were long gone, with Ana removing them. Eddie had never taken Ana as someone who would get jealous.

Yet, it was what they thought he had been having after Chris asked Eddie to have Buck over for dinner the night before. Ana had been about not making Chris hyper before bed, and Eddie had kept his mouth shut.

He felt like the worst friend in the world. Buk had been with him through it all, and Eddie had just ignored him. Eddie grabbed his phone after finishing the meal and looked at where Buck had been messaging him.

Eddie had no excuse that made sense in his head right now. Everything he had done had been to make Ana happy, but he was the one who had been shot. He was the one whose life was in tatters at the moment, and it wasn’t his job to make her happy. Eddie wasn’t that kind of an asshole, but he did want to make his girlfriend happy about some things, but it seemed that making her happy had possibly ruined the best friendship Eddie had ever had.

A knock on the door made Eddie frown. It was the middle of the day. Everyone he knew should be working. Especially the ones who would come by unannounced.

Eddie went to the door, and he opened it wide. He found Taylor standing there. She had her mask on. She was in Buck’s bubble, and before this, Eddie never would have thought Taylor would mask up, but then Buck and Taylor hadn’t been around for a while.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure. I just finished lunch, but you can eat a sandwich or two.”

“No, thank you. I have a lunch planned with my boss to go over a new piece I want to work on. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things going on and let you know that, for Buck’s sake, you need to make a choice, in or out. Work friend or friend.”

“Buck is my friend.’

“I get you were shot, but Buck was there, Eddie. He was covered in your blood from being shot. He stood there in shock until he was tackled. He was being targeted as well. If he hadn’t been shot down by a fellow firefighter, he would have been shot. Then he gets you home and makes plans with you to take care of you, and you shove him out. He wakes up with nightmares every single night.”

“He’s not said anything.”

“Because Buck goes to other people. He was pretty tired the other night, and he was just babbling. He said someone called him exhausting, and I will admit I have called him needy but exhausting? Then I put the pieces together because he never said who it was. It wasn’t hard.”

“No, it wouldn’t be. I regretted the word as soon as I said it, but he never really let me actually apologize for it. So I just let it go. I should have pushed harder.”

“He thinks that telling people how he feels makes him lesser, and I know that most of that lies at his family’s feet, but we still have to deal with the aftermath. Think about it, Eddie. What do you want? Who? Because Buck would never step in further than you want, and he would never disrespect Ana in front of Chris. But it seems she’s pushed to get what she wants from you, and that’s Buck out of your life.”

“And you?”

“And me what? I know you would never wake up with someone who was cheating, and Buck would never cheat. He waited long enough for you to choose him.”

Eddie just stared at her as Taylor turned on her heel and left. She shut the door behind her, leaving Eddie trying to take in what she had said.

“Dad?” Chris asked a few minutes later.

“Um, lunch is in the kitchen. How about we eat in here today?”

“Sure,” Chris said. He grabbed his crutches and headed toward the kitchen, glancing at Eddie once like he didn’t understand him.

Eddie wasn’t sure how much Chris had heard. Taylor had kept her voice down but wasn’t known for that.

Eddie could only do one thing to get things settled, and it didn’t involve a phone. Not talking to Buck through it.

Eddie: Do you work tomorrow?

Taylor: I do, but I can go in late, given what I am working on. Why?

Eddie: I’ll have Pepa pick up Chris and take him to Abuela’s for the day. I think I need to fix things involving being in person with Buck.

Eddie thought about it, and he picked up his phone again.

Eddie: Thank you for giving me the kick in the ass I needed on this.

Eddie laid his phone down again and looked at Chris, who was eating chips at the moment, along with reading on the tablet Buck got him. It was much better to run some of the things Chris needed for school that were easier to do on the tablet while doing classwork on the actual laptop. It also ran the video software in case Chris needed a day sitting on the couch instead of at the table.

“Dad, what’s wrong?”

“I need to think about a few things and make a decision. Tomorrow, you are going to Abuela’s for school, and then I’ll have someone else pick you up later when it’s all done.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to grovel to someone who needs it a lot more than I probably will be able to grovel.”

“Buck will forgive you,” Chris said.

Eddie loved his kid, but sometimes he wished he saw and understood less than he did. Chris’ life would go easier if he didn’t notice everything. Though it could also hurt Chris if he didn’t notice as much as he did. It was a give-and-take kind of thing.

“I’m not sure. I did something really stupid, Chris, but don’t worry. Even if he doesn’t forgive me. He’s not going to be out of your life. I’ll make sure he gets you as much as he wants. I won’t be mean like that.”

Chris nodded. He looked at the clock on the wall. “Can I go and play a few minutes of my game?”

“Sure. Just keep an eye on the time. I don’t want you to be late.”

“I won’t be. You raised me better than that.”

Eddie laughed a little. He had a good chunk of raising Chris, but he had to credit Buck for a little bit of it. Buck had helped Chris grow into the boy he should be and helped Eddie learn to let go. There was so much that Eddie needed to get his head around.

—

Taylor stopped the car, and she looked at Eddie with a smirk on her lips.

“Thank you,” Eddie said. He opened the door and then got out. He ducked down to look at Taylor. “I mean that. Thank you. For getting me out of my head and dropping me off here. If something comes up, I’ll text you.”

“He was a bear when I talked to him last night. Something at work pissed him off. So I am not sure you are going into a place where you will enjoy it.”

“I can handle him when he’s upset. He acts like a scared and hurt kitten when he’s upset.”

“This is more than that.”

“Well, I’ve handled Buck at his worst; when he was scared that I was replacing him at the station. So I think I can handle this.”

“I stocked the fridge last night with a few things. He might be cooking, and he might be pouting. I am not sure.”

Eddie gave Taylor a mock salute before he shut the car door. He fixed his sling and debated the stairs or the elevator. When he got inside, and found a woman waiting to go up that smelled like she had bathed in her perfume, so he chose the stairs.

Just as he was getting on the landing for Buck’s floor, he regretted it. He was exhausted, and this would make him more upset going in. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go into Buck’s place yet. He pulled his keys out and looked at them. He had no idea what he was doing, but he decided he was going to do this. He owed it to Buck.

Eddie let himself in. He looked around for Buck and didn’t see him, but he could hear the sounds of Buck doing push-ups. Eddie waited to listen a little before he headed over to the living room. Buck was sweating enough that Eddie knew he was pushing himself to try and get his head on straight.

“What do you want, Eddie?” Buck asked.

“I don’t know. I mean, I’m okay with watching you do this,” Eddie said.

Buck laughed and lost his handhold. He slid a little but caught himself before letting himself drop to the floor. “How did you get here?”

“I asked Taylor to drop me off. Chris is with Abuela for school today. We need to talk.”

Buck huffed a little at Eddie’s words.

“Okay, I need to talk and do a lot of soul-searching. I dropped a huge bomb on you after you had been through something traumatic and then abandoned you.”

“You were taking care of yourself. It’s nothing. I’ll be fine. I’ll handle it myself if you are here just for that. You can go.”

“Ah, that kind of mood. I’m sorry I shut you out, Evan.”

Buck pushed himself up and glanced at Eddie before heading into the kitchen. There Buck pulled out one of his protein smoothies from the freezer, grabbed one of the straws, and popped it into it. He took a long drink of it, eyeing Eddie as he did.

“I mean it, Buck. I just wasn’t in the right headspace. I did know what to do, and for me keeping Ana happy was more important than anything else because I was so far up my own ass that I couldn’t see daylight.”

Buck snorted, nearly inhaling the smoothie. Eddie decided it was time to head into the kitchen himself. He wasn’t hungry, but there was something about the kitchen that made Eddie feel safe, especially when it was Buck’s kitchen.

Eddie opened his mouth to speak, but Buck’s phone started to ring before he got a single syllable out. Buck held up his hand, and Eddie paused to wait for Buck to take the call.

“Hey, Dae,” Buck said.

Eddie knew of Dae, but just in the way Buck talked about him. Buck had told him Dae had been busy the last few months. Eddie had been looking forward to finally meeting him. The last time Dae had come into tow, Eddie had been busy with his family, who was visiting for a simple vacation.

Not wanting to listen in too close, Eddie headed back toward the living room, giving Buck the space he needed to talk to his friend. Eddie’s shoulder was aching, but he was hoping it was just how tense he was that was making it hurt.

Eddie knew the look of Buck in a spiral, but it was a strange topic as Eddie was sure the pregnancy stuff was over. He saw no reason why Buck would be freaking out about pregnancy now. Unless Taylor was pregnant. Buck was pretty good with birth control, so it would be one of those accidents that couldn’t be stopped.

Snagging a paper, Eddie picked it up, and he stopped when he realized it wasn’t pregnancy he was researching but post-pregnancy. It was notes about all of the conditions that mothers could develop after pregnancy.

There was a list of symptoms but question marks beside a good many of them. This was what Taylor was talking about. Buck had shifted his worry about Eddie to Maddie, but Eddie didn’t think that Buck was wrong. There had to be something there that started this worry.

Eddie picked up another sheet of paper where he saw a list of different symptoms. This was the thing with the thyroid. Eddie remembered Shannon’s doctor had been worried about that after Chris, but there had been a big deal with a patient having her thyroid acting up post-pregnancy.

“No, Eddie’s here right now. He got dropped off by someone, but I have no clue who. I don’t even know when he’s planning on leaving. I’ll keep you informed.” Buck smiled. “Yeah. I know. Love you, too.”

Eddie knew Buck was free with that kind of affection. He didn’t have Eddie’s hang-ups when it came to telling the people who mattered that he loved them. Eddie was good with family, but it was friends and others he did love in some fashion he had issues with.

“Sorry, I didn’t even think you might have plans,” Eddie said.

“No, I didn’t. Dae wanted to do something since he found himself with a few hours of free time.”

“He is here?”

“Yeah, he moved here. That’s what he’s been busy with. He wanted to get settled here before telling me. He surprised me. It was a good surprise.”

“You worried about Maddie?”

“And Chim. He’s acting weird himself. He…” Buck sighed and deflated a little but waved Eddie back into the living room area more.

Eddie was careful as he sat down on the couch. Buck took a seat in the chair across from Eddie, and he picked up the sheet of paper and handed it over.

Eddie read over the few things that Buck had on there. He wasn’t sure what all of it meant as he had never studied pregnancy too much, but it seemed Buck did think that something more than just PPD was going on. It could just be Buck’s worry.

“Do you have any proof?”

“That it’s more than PPD? No. I can’t even get her to admit it’s PPD, but I do think she’s…” Buck stopped talking, and he seemed to slump into the chair.

“What’s going on?”

“She was shutting me out. You were ignoring me. I chose to go after Maddie since you had Ana.”

“Maddie has Chim.” Eddie pointed out.

“I know she does, but she…she promised she would never shut me out again. Now she’s at home all day with Chim and Jee, and she’s refusing to talk to me, let me see her, it’s just as bad as last time we are in the same city and I can’t…I don’t think Chim is hurting her, but I can’t stop the spiral.”

“Dae’s been helping you?”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve seen Taylor’s writing, and this isn’t yours. So it has to be his. I’m glad that someone is helping you with this. I would hate to think of you doing this alone.”

Buck shrugged.

Eddie knew that shrug. Buck was used to doing things alone. He was used to not having someone backing him up. Eddie had made a promise to himself with the whole Daniel debacle that he would not leave Buck to question his place in Eddie’s life, and Eddie had done that. He had done that in the worst way. Shopping Buck that a girlfriend was going to replace Buck with ease.

There was a lot Eddie needed to do, and the first thing was to get his head on straight.

You said you would offer to ask Doctor Copeland about someone I might be able to hit it off with on the therapy front. Maybe it’s time for that. Maybe I do need more help than I thought I did.”

“I can do that. I have the list, actually. She asked me if you had asked me for it. I broached the subject with her, and she said that a list on hand was better than waiting for a crisis and not having it and having to wait on me to see her. I’ll get it from where I have my therapy stuff. So mean this, right?”

“Yes. I took a look at my life and realized that I don’t like it without you in it. I don’t want it, and I don’t like it. Then I got a kick in the butt yesterday. I think after you told Taylor about how shitty work was going. I assume that it’s where Chim had his issues?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me everything.”

Eddie listened as Buck went through everything over the last while, from the moment Eddie pretty much kicked him out of the Diaz house to that morning when he had left work pissed off and just upset that he couldn’t do anything to fix anything for Maddie or Eddie. How he wasn’t being allowed to help at all.

“I don’t even care if it’s just being there with her. I don’t need to like to fix her, but I want to make her feel better. She’s been so excited to be Jee’s mom. I want her to have that. I want her to be happy; if she can’t get that on her own, she can get it in other ways. I’m fully behind taking pills for things the body can’t do right.”

“I know you are. Is she working?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t go like creeping into her life. I just went over to see her, so she couldn’t just ignore me like she had been.”

“Do you have Josh’s number? He would tell you.”

“I know he would, but that feels like a step too far, just like Chim trying to get me in trouble at work for worrying about my sister.”

“I understand. Do you think that someone else talking to her would help?’

“No, I don’t want her thinking that I was just telling everyone. It’s just been you, Taylor, and Dae. Taylor’s tried to push me into pushing past what Maddie wants. I can only do so much. I don’t want her to be angry because I push too far inside of her boundaries because I hate when she does that to me, especially after Daniel, but this has been over a month, Eddie. If she hasn’t gotten a handle on things in a month or enough to tell me face to face she’s getting help, how can I not keep doing what I am doing?”

“Being siblings is a fine balance. You and Maddie are closer than I am to my sisters. That’s our parents’ fault, but I can say that I would not want the closeness you and Maddie have with the reasons why.”

Buck nodded, and he seemed to finally relax. “You mean it?”

“Which part?”

“You are sorry.”

“Yes, I mean it. I was…doing what I do. Trying to make everyone but myself happy, you were pushed to the side in the rush of it all. I knew you would be there at the end and so I didn’t push to make you a priority.”

Buck shrugged in the way Eddie had learned meant he didn’t really think he was ever a priority to anyone.

Time and again, Buck proved that Eddie was his priority and Chris even more than Eddie. There might be some who would have wanted Buck to be there with Eddie in the hospital, but Buck knew where he needed to be. He knew he needed to be with: Chris.

“Taylor told me something, and you can deal with her telling me, but Buck, did you almost get shot as well?”

“I think? I’ve tried to repress what is going on as much as possible, and yeah, that’s not good. I just don’t want to have a freak out right now when I need to be-” Buck waved his hand.

Eddie swallowed as he thought about that. Buck had broken down with Chris, and Chris had told Eddie that, but Eddie hadn’t realized how much Buck just hadn’t dealt with what had happened to him. He pulled out his cell phone and shot off a message to Taylor about maybe dinner would be best brought in as well and that Buck might not go to work the next day. If Eddie had his way with this, Buck wouldn’t want to trust himself in a fire with anyone.

“And why haven’t you dealt with it?”

Buck shrugged his shoulders and dropped back into the chair a little more.

“I need to be ready to do stuff.”

“Stuff? Like, take care of Maddie and me?” Eddie asked.

Another shrug was the only answer.

Eddie knew this would be hard to get out of Buck, so he started to get up, but as soon as he did, Buck shot up and came over to help Eddie get up. Eddie grabbed onto Buck, but instead of going up, Eddie used his weight to pull Buck down with him. He wasn’t sure what he would do to keep Buck down on the couch with him, but he knew he didn’t like Buck being across the small room.

“Stay,” Eddie said.

“I don’t want to crowd you.”

“Buck, crowd me. Take what you need from me; I promise I’m okay with it. Do what you need.”

“I can’t. I need to…I have to…” Buck shook his head, and Eddie caught what looked like unshed tears in his eyes.

Eddie laid his hand on Buck’s leg, knowing that Buck would never jerk out of Eddie’s hold just in case it hurt him. There was just a little more pushing, and then Eddie would get Buck to break down like it seemed Buck needed. There wasn’t a lot Eddie could do but be there for him.

“You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are with me, Evan. I promise you that. I promise that breaking down about nearly seeing your best friend killed will not make you exhausting. I promise that I will still love you when you are done making me soggy.”

“Still love me?” Buck asked.

“Have you been questioning that?” Eddie asked.

“No.” Buck sounded vehement, but then he slumped back and deflated all in one go. “Maybe.”

“Why?”

“No one loves me for very long.”

“Taylor?”

“She’ll go away, but I’m going to enjoy it while I have it. Why?”

“That’s no way to live, Buck. You need to make yourself happy.”

“I am happy.”

Eddie wasn’t sure that Buck understood how shitty his way of looking at life was. It would take time, but Eddie figured he had the time while he was out of work due to injury. He wasn’t going to let Buck keep this up.

Chapter 5

Taylor stopped by her favorite Italian place. She had a list of things that Eddie liked. She could have called it all in, but she wanted the time after work before settling in to deal with Eddie, Buck, and Chris in Buck’s small loft. It was going to get good and a lot of fun, but she knew it was also going to be noisy.

The thing was, the night was going to be great for Buck. While he had focused everything on helping Maddie, he still missed his best friend. There was something about Eddie that drew Buck in and held him there. Taylor wasn’t jealous. Buck liked her in his own way, and while she knew she was a second choice for him, it wasn’t like he was waiting on Eddie. He was trying to move on from someone he thought would never love him.

Taylor wasn’t so sure about the whole Eddie-loving Buck thing. The good news was that Taylor wasn’t someone who would pin herself down to one man if she could love more than one.

“Taylor,” Kit said as she handed over the food. “We were out of the cheesecake, so I threw in the tiramisu and the Moscato berry cobbler. I know there is a kid there, so I also made up some of the strawberries and cream for him.”

“Thanks. Do I owe anything else?”

“No. The idiot who didn’t make sure there was cheesecake left when he took the order has been reminded again that he needs to check that. We are very sorry about that.”

Taylor nodded her head, and she reached for the bags. The hot stuff was together and the cold together. She really liked the place because they took care of everything like that. The food would be good once it was back at Buck’s place.

The drive was quick despite the hour, and Taylor let herself into Buck’s place with the food in her hand. Chris, Eddie, and Buck were sitting at the table with a game of some kind out.

“Who is hungry?” Taylor asked.

“What’s for dinner?” Chris asked.

“Italian. Buck told me you really like spaghetti with a lot of meatballs. I hope I got enough. If not, well, you can have some of Buck’s.”

“I would never take them from Buck. What did Daddy get?”

“Depends. Buck told me two things he liked, and I got them as I liked both of them. So I guess whichever he wants.”

The game was cleared away while Buck and Eddie grabbed plates. Taylor sat down and waited for the boys to bring over everything. She watched as they moved around each other in the kitchen.

“I’m glad Dad’s letting Bucky help again. Ana was kind of bad at it. She didn’t know how to take care of us, and she didn’t like to learn the way we liked best. She thought we should change to what she liked more than anything else. I didn’t like it.”

“Some people don’t know how to compromise on things. They think their way is the only way, and things get ugly when that happens. I wasn’t around Ana that much, but I knew things were not good when Buck stopped going around to see you.”

“You have been nice and not like Ana, but I haven’t got to spend much time with you.”

“I agree with that, but that will come with time. You just have to know I would never keep you and Buck apart. I know he’s like a father to you. I don’t want your second dad to be out of your life. I lost both of my parents when I was young due to things I don’t want to discuss right now. I would have given anything to have either of them back in my life like they had been before.”

“Ready to eat?” Eddie asked as he laid down all of the silverware on the table while Buck came over with the plates. They both went back for things.

Taylor took in Eddie and found he looked pretty good. He looked pretty bad yesterday and again this morning when Taylor had dropped him off. It was like his angst over Buck had been making him feel like shit. There would come a point where she would have to tell Buck that she had pushed Eddie to come if Eddie hadn’t.

“Are we staying here tonight, Dad?” Chris asked.

“No, mijo, we can’t. I can’t sleep with you on Buck’s pullout couch, and it’s too small for Buck.”

“Can Buck and Taylor come home with us?”

“Where would they sleep?”

“Oh.”

“How about the day after, when Buck gets off work, he comes over, and I’ll come for dinner.”

“You work tomorrow?”

“I do.”

“Okay.” Chris huffed, but he had a smile on his face.

Taylor didn’t know Chris well, but from what she had seen, he was a lovely boy. Buck wouldn’t like a kid who was an issue, so she just settled in to get to know him. She wanted this to work with Buck, so that meant getting along with Eddie and Chris. She wouldn’t be the kind of woman who didn’t trust her man. If Eddie and Buck had been going to do something with their relationship, it would have happened before this. Whatever was going on, something was missing that stopped them both.

—

Buck grabbed his gear and took it over to check it over before the shift started. He was early, but he didn’t mind it. Getting ready in the morning had taken less time than it had in a while, and Buck hadn’t realized how early it was. He had gone to get a coffee and tea before the shift, and he had his tea in his locker so no one else drank it. Normally it wasn’t too much of an issue, but he didn’t trust a lot of people anymore outside of saving his life if he needed it on the job.

“Everything okay?” Bobby asked.

Buck looked up where he had settled himself down in a chair under the stairs. He gave Bobby a smile before nodding.

“Just wanted a few quiet minutes. Chris and Eddie came over and stayed late last night. Getting them home had been a thing with Chris being asleep and Eddie unable to carry him. So I had to go with them.”

“I’m glad he’s getting out again. I heard that things were not the best, not just from you. Hen was worried as well.”

“He looked good, and we started to really talk about things. I think that he’s not that happy with how isolated he felt. He had to make himself to make Ana happy. He was just too stuck in it before Taylor ambushed him at home.”

“Taylor did, huh?”

Bobby sat down in the second chair, picked up Buck’s pants, and started looking at them.

“How is that going?”

“Pretty good. I mean, she’s been great. She thinks I’m going through a depressive period with other swings in my life. I see it, and Doctor Copeland has been saying something like it. She wants to put me on a low dose of something so that maybe we can help me get better faster.”

“And you don’t want to?”

“No, I don’t mind it. She’s looking into what would be best for me. The job is a factor, as well as the least amount of side effects. I really don’t mind it. I’ve always said that store-bought is fine when it comes to things the body doesn’t do that it should.”

“Then why not start it now?”

“Oh, we will have the next four days off we have so that I can start them right after I get off shift and then have a few days to say yay or nay on it. I’ve never taken pills like that, and Doctor Copeland is worried about reactions. I have no family history to talk about when it comes to it. I know my parents didn’t take anything when Daniel died. Hell, they only sought out therapy around the whole Doug thing.”

“Not when Daniel died?”

“No. It’s what Maddie was so upset about when they dropped that on her. They wouldn’t get therapy when they lost a child and had no father to fix him, but they would about Doug nearly killing Maddie when they are most of the reason why Maddie stayed with him so long. She didn’t want to prove them right.”

“Their treatment of you and Maddie fully led to what she sought out as soon as she left, and then you left home and never came back, running around the country looking for a family to replace the one that never loved you.”

“Sounds like you have been talking to someone as well.”

“Just the same as always, confession and talking with my priest. We are kind of learning about things as well go. Seeing your parents and how they treated you, I knew that how I treat you is a big reason why you want to be here. I understand it now, even if I never did before.”

Buck dropped his coat into his lap. He had checked it over fully. There was nothing else he needed to do, and Bobby was going over the pants.

“I’ve got more pants ordered for you. We have just a single backup, and this one is getting issues at the seams that I wouldn’t trust for more than a quick fix if needed or just as the backup pants on the rigs.”

“Sure. I know I go through them, and you like to stay on top of keeping them ordered with my legs.”

“How are things with Taylor?”

“Good. She’s…honestly, she’s what I need. She’s devoted to working, but when she’s with me, she’s all with me. It’s nice that I don’t need to entertain someone who just doesn’t fit with me. She’s got her issues, and she’s not told me all of them, but I haven’t told her all of mine. She’s got the most recent.”

“Hen said she talked you into going home and showering before going to Chris.”

“I had blood on my pants, all over my neck where I thought I had gotten it all. It was honestly just…not good. She was good to me then.”

“I’m glad. Hen also said something about frozen waffles.”

“Taylor’s favorite comfort food. Her mother used to make them for her, and she sucked at making real waffles, but she would decorate them with stuff. Even just the simple waffles remind her of her mother. I think she’s dead. She’s never said it right off, but I think she is dead.”

“If you feel up to it while you are off this next round, let’s get you and Tayor over along with Eddie and Chris. Getting them out of the house would be good, I think. ”

“Yes, it will be. I have no clue what Eddie is going to do. He’s kind of avoiding Ana while he’s thinking about it. I don’t think he’s going to come out of it still in a relationship.”

“You only got with Taylor after Eddie and Ana started to date,” Bobby said.

“I know, and I’m with Taylor. I like her. I think I could have a life with her. It’s not going to work, Eddie and I, Bobby. I know that the whole station is waiting for it, but I think that if it had gone, it would have happened after the well. Nothing to do, so I can’t just wait on him forever. I have to keep on pushing forward and make myself happy.”

‘Well, let’s get this going. Do you need to have time to meet with Doctor Copeland?”

“She’ll text me if she figures it out. I’ll stay behind if I need to meet face-to-face with her.”

“Okay, but if you need to leave, you can.”

“We don’t do those kinds of face-to-face meetings. She’s good about that. I don’t want that. I don’t…think I can do that.”

Bobby nodded his head, and he didn’t ask why so Buck was happy with that. It had taken him a while to figure out why it had scared him, so seeing someone and why doing it over video had made him feel safe. He had been too worked up that he wanted it, and therefore it wasn’t anything horrible. And yet, it had been. So he just pushed on and did what he needed. He didn’t want to freak out too much while at work.

“Let’s go and get some food started. We need some snacks for today, I think.”

“Chex mix?” Buck asked.

“Yes. I’ll even make the spicy stuff you can take home to Eddie.”

Buck grinned and took his pants from Bobby before returning to put them where they belonged. This wasn’t the best, but it could at least work for now. Buck was getting his feet under him, and he was working on it.

—

Buck looked at the bottle of pills. The instructions were right there, but he seemed freaked out and knew it. He just wanted to just settle in and take this with no issues. He took the bottle in hand and walked over to where he poured out a glass of water with a packet of lime crystals for a little flavor. He wet his mouth a little with a sip, then popped a single pill and washed it down.

Despite knowing this could help, he was afraid. He didn’t mind taking pills, but even this might change him. Eddie and Taylor were going to be watching him to make sure he didn’t have some kind of reaction that wasn’t going to be good.

Taylor was at work, and Eddie was going to text when it was good for Buck to come over and spend the day. That night they were going to Bobby’s for dinner. Taylor had already bought a bottle of non-alcoholic wine that Bobby liked for them all to share with dinner.

It wasn’t best to start a new pill on Saturday, but Doctor Copeland was there via phone if Buck felt like something was wrong.

Buck’s bag was packed just in case he was going to stay the night with Eddie. He had no idea why he would, given Ana had been staying most of the time. Still, Eddie told him to bring it.

The ding from his phone had Buck looking back at where it was resting on the counter beside the sheet of information on the pill he had just taken. He had already filled out everything the LAFD needed about it, and the information the paramedics who worked with him would need to ensure he was covered if something happened to him on shift.

Eddie: Ready to come over?

Buck: Yes. Be there ASAP.

Eddie: 😉

Buck tipped his head to the side as he looked at the wink Eddie had sent him. He shook his head, grabbed the pills bottle, and tucked them into the end of the bag where the rest of his occasional medications were in his work bag. It was just easier to carry it around with him most of the time.

There was no reason to hang around the loft, so Buck headed out the door. He made sure it was locked and psyched himself up for what he was going to be stepping into. He had no clue what Eddie was going to be saying to Ana. He had no clue if they were staying together or breaking up.

Buck pulled onto Eddie’s street, cringing when he saw Ana’s car outside. Eddie and Ana were between the truck and Ana’s car; Buck noticed when he pulled into the spot in front of the house. Ana turned and looked at him before turning back to Eddie, and she said something Buck couldn’t understand. Buck was invited but wasn’t sure he should get into that conversation. He turned off the Jeep and waited to see what Eddie wanted him to do.

After another minute, Eddie waved Buck toward him. He touched his shoulder after and made a face. Eddie was tense, and he was making his shoulder hurt. Buck wasn’t sure that Eddie knew he had touched his arm like that. He only did it when he was in extreme pain.

Buck got out and left his bag in the Jeep; he would grab it later when he needed it.

“Hey, Eddie. Hello, Ana. Why don’t we get you inside and get your next dose of pills in you? I bet you didn’t take any at all, did you?”

“No, I didn’t. I was going to when you got here, and then I got sidetracked when you said you were on your way.” Eddie nodded toward Ana.

“Edmundo, I will not be ignored.” Ana crossed her hands over her chest and started out with a pout.

“Ana, we went over this. I need a break. I need time.”

“You are just scared; it’s been a while since Shannon died. You just need to move on.” Ana looked at Buck.

I know what I need. I need some time to think about what I want out of life because right now, the life I see going forward with you is not one that will make me happy. I am to blame as I didn’t put my foot down on things when you started to help me at home after being shot. I am thankful for everything you did for me. I am glad you gave up part of your life, but you still push for things I say I am not ready for.”

“You will never be ready if you don’t actually do something. You are living in the past.”

Buck really wanted to head inside, but it didn’t seem like Eddie wanted to be alone with Ana. Which was something Buck understood. He could see why Eddie was having issues. He wanted Ana to be this person who would love him.

“No, I’m living in my future. I just thought that you were in it. I thought that you would be someone who would stand with me while I got myself sorted out. I had a long life planned with Shannon, and things changed. Then I thought I was going to get my wife back and another kid to boot. Yet, I didn’t get that. I got a dead wife. I wasn’t sure what kind of life we would have, but I thought we were building a good foundation. You stepped up and helped me, and I will be forever grateful for that, but you pushed.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“No, you did because you learned that pushing me would get you what you wanted because I would settle in and just do what you wanted if you pouted enough.”

“Then why do you want to be with me?”

“I don’t know.”

Buck wanted to snort at that, but it wouldn’t do Eddie any good because he might also end up laughing.

“Pressure from everyone else to do something they think would make me happy? I spent years doing that for my parents, and I forgot that. Making everyone else happy but myself won’t last long. Doing things out of spite won’t either.”

“I guess there really is nothing left between us, is there? I thought we were building something, Edmundo.”

“You know that’s part of it, right? I have asked you several times to call me Eddie.”

“But as your girlfriend, I should have a name I call that no one else does, and Edmundo is a wonderful name.”

“That I dislike. How can a name be wonderful if I hate it? I should have dumped you when you refused to call me Eddie because if you don’t call me what I ask you to call me, how can you respect any of my other choices in life?”

Ana said nothing; just spun around and left, getting into her car. She left like she was being threatened with violence.

“So that happened,” Buck said.

“I came out to get something out of the truck, and she was just pulling in. She thought I had enough time to sleep on breaking up with her, take her back with open arms, and promise to never do it again.”

“Let’s get you inside. What do you need out of the truck?”

“I have a stack of books in there in a bag. Some are mine, and some are Chris’. I bought them the day before I was shot. I looked for my book and found it wasn’t in the house. Remembered why.”

“Go inside, and I’ll get them. You get your pills in you and eat something.”

“I have oatmeal made. I’m good.” Eddie laid his hand on Buck’s arm, and he squeezed. “Thanks for coming over today.”

Buck nodded his head. He took the keys from Eddie and opened up the truck. He knew who had driven it based on where the position of the seat was. Makepeace had done something even Buck hadn’t thought of. Makepeace was good at that kind of thing, though. He had been there long enough to anticipate everything needed with these kinds of things. He was pretty sure it was Makepeace who had dropped off his Jeep to him, leaving the keys with the office and heading back out again. With Eddie, he had to have taken the keys to him.

The bag of books was in view, so Buck grabbed it and got out of the truck again. He looked back to the house and smiled when he saw Chris in the doorway, looking like he had just woken up. It was a little early for him on the weekend, but if Chris was looking forward to Buck coming over, he could see Chris getting very excited about it.

“Good morning, Chris,” Buck said as he stepped up to the porch area.

“Morning, Bucky. Dad made oatmeal, and he said he used that stuff you use. Are you staying tonight? Can we have pancakes tomorrow? Dad doesn’t do them so well since his arm is hurt.”

“I don’t know, Superman. I am just not sure if I am staying the night. I started a new medication and might need to be at home.”

“Dad got a good air mattress so you can sleep in the living room with Taylor. You can try it out later with me, and we can watch a movie, please?”

“I’ll talk to your father about it.”

“Okay.”

Buck waited for Chris to turn around before he started into the house. Chris was careful as he moved without his crutches.

The house smelled of cinnamon, but not real cinnamon but a candle or something like it. Buck took a deep breath and enjoyed the smell.

“Dad bought them and had them delivered here last week. Something to help us calm down. Something he figured out while talking to that therapist who is going to help him find a therapist that works better with him.”

Buck nodded. He knew Eddie had been working on himself and talked to Eddie about things that made the house smell good without too much hassle. Buck had a thing from Bath and Body Works in his place. He wasn’t sure what Eddie had, but he wouldn’t be shocked if that was what he went with just because it was what Buck knew well.

Eddie was in the kitchen warming up a bowl of oatmeal from the container that was on the counter. It looked like it was enough for days, which was good as Buck had given Eddie a lot of recipes that made a single big batch of oatmeal work for days on end, even cold.

“I don’t need-” Buck stopped when Eddie turned around to look at him with a glare on his face. Buck could eat, and Eddie knew it.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good. Where do you want the books?”

“My room for now. I have a surprise in there, and I don’t want Chris to see it.”

“Okay.” Buck wasn’t sure what kind of book would be a surprise for Chris, but he wouldn’t look.

Buck walked the books to Eddie’s room, found a different scent in there, and looked around for what it was coming from. He found one of the Wallflowers from Bath and Body Works there. It was a simple thing with butterflies and was glowing even in the daylight. It would work well as a nightlight in the room. It was kind of beautiful. He walked over to find it was a simple and standard scent. It was also one of Buck’s favorites of the ones that the store always had on hand.

“Buck, change into sweats. It’s relaxing in pajamas all day kind of day,” Chris called from the bedroom.

Buck snorted. He had sweats in Eddie’s drawers, so he grabbed them out and changed after shutting the door. He was still in a T-shirt, so he would live with that.

Eddie had three bowls of oats on the table along with a few of Buck’s favorite kinds of stoppings and mix-ins on the table. Chris went right for his chocolate chips and sliced bananas.

Buck wasn’t sure what he wanted in his, and he debated for a few seconds before Eddie dumped a few slices of strawberries into his, followed by some cinnamon and pecans.

“I cut those up just for you, so you had better use them.”

“I guess I am now,” Buck said. He smiled and started to mix it all up. It was probably what he would have ended up with anyway.

“Dad, can we try the air mattress and make sure it’s good for sleeping on by watching a movie on it later?” Chris asked.

“Sure. I’ll let you two take it while I lay at your heads on the couch. I don’t think I can get down and up from down there.”

“Okay. Buck can make room, and we can get the bed out.”

Buck laughed at Chris volunteering him for something like that. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go home, and sleeping with Taylor on a mattress in the middle of the Diaz living room sounded better than being at home. He just wanted to be happy, and maybe that was finding a good mix between being with Taylor and being with Eddie. He was never going to cut Eddie out of his life, and he needed to talk to Taylor about that.

—

There was not a lot to do before heading to Eddie’s. Taylor stopped by Buck’s to grab some of her things from there because it seemed that Eddie had gotten an air mattress for her and Buck to sleep on, and it had been tested out. Buck had sent a picture of him and Chris on it earlier, lounging in pajamas. It sounded like the perfect kind of day to her, and she was looking forward to it the next day as well. She had already wrangled that promise out of Chris via Buck’s phone.

Taylor knew that Buck had been doing pretty well, and there were no adverse reactions to the pills so far. She wasn’t sure that it would keep on. Buck didn’t seem to have a good track record with anything. He got the short end of the stick from what she remembered of Buck talking about things before.

Buck was the kindest man she had ever known, and there were times Taylor wasn’t sure what to do with him. She felt like she was getting him dirty. She felt like he was too good for her, but he wanted her, and she wasn’t ever going to be one who thought she knew better.

Getting everything she needed, Taylor stepped out of Buck’s place and shut the door. She stopped when she saw a man coming toward her. It took a few seconds for Taylor to recognize Chimney Han.

“Is he in there?”

“Buck? No, he’s at Eddie’s. I’m going there to meet him now. Can I pass on a message?”

“Tell him ‘thank you’ for fucking up Maddie. I have to try and fix her.”

Taylor wasn’t sure what Buck had done to mess up Maddie, but she doubted that it was actually something worth getting upset about at all. There was nothing Buck would do to hurt his sister on purpose, but there were things she could see Chimney thinking was done to hurt her on purpose.

The drive to Eddie’s house was not as short as Taylor would like. Getting caught up in traffic four times and on the wrong side of an accident made her frustrated by the time she got there. She parked in the open spot in the driveway and frowned at where Buck’s Jeep was parked. He rarely parked on the street.

Taylor grabbed what she needed to grab before heading inside. She had enough clothes to get her through, so she just headed to the bathroom to drop off what she wanted and changed into her pajamas. They were soft and warm.

“Hello,” Eddie said as he came out of the bedroom as he pulled on a T-shirt. It was tight on his body. Taylor took her time looking him up and down as he headed to the living room. Taylor followed behind him, and she was happy to see Buck looking pretty happy on the mattress with Chris cuddled into his side.

“How is he really doing?” Taylor asked as she followed Eddie into the kitchen.

“Good. I mean it. He’s been pretty calm, and I’ve checked him out a few times. He’s allowed it. He checked in a few times with Dae as well.”

“Well, Dae worries about him.”

“Dae also said something that had Buck blushing red as a tomato, and I wasn’t aware Buck could do that.”

“Hmm, probably has something to do with the threesome we had.”

“Threesome?” Eddie asked.

“I think Buck needed it, and I’ve never been one to say no to a good time. Buck wasn’t that upset about it, either. It was a good time for all. Then, of course, he went to work and got upset, so all the hard work Dae and I put into making him happy had ended.”

“That happens. Chim?”

“Yes. I wanted your opinion on something. Chim came by Buck’s and said something.”

“Buck turned off his phone earlier because he wanted to just exist with us. What did Chim say?”

“Something about how Buck fucked up Maddie, and now Chim has to fix her.”

“Ah, I got a little bit about that. I muted Chim, and I won’t get a notification from him until tomorrow. I asked Buck if he wanted to know anything about Chim, Maddie, and Jee-Yun, but he only wanted to know if they were in danger or dying. No one is dying, but it seems that Maddie’s going somewhere to get help with her PPD. She also has started on some medications to deal with her issues. Chim was light on that, but he told me I needed to make sure Buck came over and fixed what he had done to Maddie.”

“So there was something more than PPD wrong with her?” Taylor asked.

“From what I got from Chim, yes. I figured that once Buck’s good, he’ll reach out to Maddie if she left a way to get in contact with her. If not, well, I guess he’ll find out from Chim. I’m more worried about Buck when it comes to all of this and less about Maddie and Chim.”

Taylor wasn’t sure what was coming down the line with this, but she just hoped it didn’t bite them in the ass.

Chapter 6

Eddie laughed as Buck picked up Chris and carried him into the living room, carefully dropping Chris on the couch. The dose of medication seemed to help Buck a little bit. A little darkness was gone from Buck’s eyes, and the few times Eddie had found him thinking too hard, there wasn’t a sadness around him.

Though, now, it was probably all going to come crashing down.

Buck was still in the living room with Chris; Taylor was getting dressed in her pajamas to spend the rest of the day like that.

Eddie knew it would be days before the full effects of the pills were seen on Buck, but so far, it was doing well, or the pills were good placebos. Eddie checked on the meat in the crock pot and sniffed at it before he found a piece to try. Something was missing from the smell, so he wanted to see if he could taste it and add it in. It wasn’t hard, as he could taste what was missing. He added a bit more of the blend his Abuela made of peppers and mixed it all in well before he put the lid back on and checked it was still on high. He couldn’t do barbacoa the same way it was meant to be done, but the crock pot was close enough for being in LA.

“How are you feeling?” Taylor asked.

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well, you need to be checked in on as well. So, how are you doing?”

“I’ve got a happy Chris and a happy Buck; that’s all I need in my life.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, I could be happier, but right now, I’m happy enough. Buck, tell you about Ana?”

“Yes. A little. Just over text, nothing too much. He was worried about you but also happy you pushed for what you wanted out of a relationship with her instead of making her happy. There is also that you are still reeling from being shot.” Taylor eyed Eddie’s arm and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m good. The nightmares are going away a little. I’ve been working through a few issues with someone, and talking to Buck has helped a lot more than I thought. I think he finally opened up to Doctor Copeland about being covered in my blood, which I never wanted for him. The memories of just before I was shot and after are kind of gone. I think I remember seeing Buck covered in blood, but I thought it was my brain just filling in spots instead of being an actual memory.”

“I’ve never had anything like that, but people I have interviewed after big accidents say the same thing.”

Eddie understood that Taylor was trying to connect; she was just clumsy at it. He could give her what she wanted, though, which was a connection to him. He reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder. She smiled at him.

“How long until dinner?” Taylor asked.

“The beef has a few more hours until it’s where I want it. It got on a bit later than I wanted to start it, so it’ll be a late dinner. I’ll check it again in two hours.”

“Sounds good. I think I’ll go and join Buck and Chris on the mattress; you will be on the couch because of your arm?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Good.”

Eddie waited for Taylor to leave before he went to the fridge and pulled out the salsa Buck had made. He shook the container and flipped it around a few times to mix it around again. He would have Buck mix up the guacamole again when he got up the next time.

Once he was done with everything in the kitchen, he stepped into the dining room and then the living room. He looked at where Taylor was on the mattress. She was on Chris’ other side. Eddie wasn’t sure if Chris asked her to lay there or if she went down on her own. He wasn’t upset if Chris asked or if she went on her own. Buck was serious about Taylor, and that meant that Eddie needed to get to know her on her own. The past was horrible between them, but it wasn’t enough that he thought it was impossible for them to get close. He just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to hurt Buck.

Eddie settled on the couch and turned to look at the TV to see what movie Chris talked Buck into watching. It was Moana, which was one Eddie liked when he first watched it. The second, third, and fourth had been fine. It was all of the ones after that were the issue. Eddie closed his eyes and just let himself listen to everything.

—

Taylor groaned as she stretched out a little bit before settling into yoga. She was happy to spend time with Eddie and Chris. Buck was in a good mood, and that was the thing that mattered. Doctor Copeland had gotten Buck to write his feelings down in a journal, and he would talk about them with her when it was time for their sessions. Buck took them to Eddie’s backyard because since starting his medication, Buck hadn’t wanted to leave Eddie’s house for anything other than work. Taylor stayed with him as well as the air mattress wasn’t that horrible. She had stayed in worse beds while staying in hotels.

The laughter from Chris had Taylor turning her head to the side to see him and Buck coming from the back. Eddie was just behind them with a matching smile on his face. It was like they were building a family between the four of them, and Taylor wasn’t sure what to feel about that.

Eddie was an attractive man. Taylor wouldn’t say no to sex with him, but the issue was that she wasn’t sure that it was a good idea, not the cheating aspect but just the whole thing of she was afraid she would get too attached to him. Dae was different and someone who she knew she could never fall in love with but Eddie. She could see it with Eddie. She could see herself falling in love with him with only a few easy steps if she let herself.

Taylor focused on finishing her yoga before she had to go to work. Eddie and Chris were staying and hanging out with Buck until he went over to check out his apartment for a little bit. Chris didn’t have school now; out for the summer. He was happy to be with his dad full-time now. Chris had been getting harder and harder to get to do his schooling, which was something Taylor found a little upsetting.

However, she also understood clinging to the parent that was left. She still wasn’t sure if she believed her father killed her mother, but she also knew that if she didn’t, it meant her mother had killed herself. She was stuck in the worst spot in the world on that.

“What’s for breakfast?” Eddie asked.

“I was going to make pancakes,” Buck said.

The pounding on the door startled all of them. Taylor looked at Eddie and then Buck as Chris walked over to where Taylor was, glancing at the door as he did. He sat on the couch and got as close to Taylor as possible.

“Eds, let me get it,” Buck said.

“Buck, check who it is before opening the door.”

“It’s Chim. I can see his vehicle outside.”

“I’m staying right here,” Eddie said.

“Why is Chim angry?” Chris asked.

“I don’t know.” Taylor hadn’t heard Bucking talking about Chim at work or anything like that. In fact, thinking back on it, it seemed like Buck was doing his best to never talk about Chim again.

“There you are! You are never home. You need to fix her, and you need to fix her now,” Chim said as soon as the door was open.

“Chim, don’t come inside,” Eddie said.

“What?” Chim asked.

“You are stressed out, and right now I have myself, who is injured, and Chris in here. I don’t want you inside unless you control yourself perfectly.”

Taylor leaned back onto the couch as she came out of her pose. She looked at Chris, who didn’t look too worried.

“Look, I just need Buck to go and talk to Maddie. She’s gone from outpatient care into full care. She thinks she’s not a good mother, and I need to prove that she is a good mother. She needs to come home and just be with Jee and me. She’ll see how much of a wonderful mother she is.”

“Chim, if she’s there, she thinks she needs it,” Eddie said.

“No, no, no. I know what’s best for her. She needs to be a mother to Jee to see it.”

“Oh,” Taylor said. She looked at Chris and handed him his tablet and headphones. “Listen to that and keep your headphones on, huh?”

“Okay.”

Taylor stood up and walked over toward the door more. She didn’t get too close. Chim looked horrible. Like he hadn’t been sleeping.

“Chim, you think you know what’s best for her, but she’s an adult who can make her own decisions. If you think that she can’t, then you need to go through the legal channels to make a judge give you the ability to make them for her.”

“Her therapist thinks this is the best thing for her, so he helped her get into the facility. He doesn’t understand her.”

“The guy she’s been seeing for her PPD?” Buck asked.

“Yes.”

“So the person who is an expert in PPD doesn’t know enough to make a valid decision on what is going on with Maddie?” Buck looked back at Taylor with a confused look on his face.

“You are putting words in my mouth. He just doesn’t understand Maddie and what is going on with her. He can’t just take her away from us. She needs to be with Jee and see that Jee loves her.”

“Chim, if Maddie’s having intrusive thoughts or she feels like she’s out of her depth, the best place for her to be is where she is getting help. What did she tell you?”

“She called me from a pyap[ohne and told me that until she was settled in where she’s at, she’s not going to tell me where she is.”

“And since she was put there on a doctor’s orders, that doctor won’t reveal, and the cops won’t touch it.” Taylor had heard this before, but it was usually from victims of abuse who got themselves away from their abusers. She didn’t think Chim was abusing Maddie, but she had no clue what was going on to give Maddie PPD and have Chim this much off the deep end.

“Have you thought about talking to someone about your own issues?” Taylor asked.

“My issues? I don’t have them. I just need Maddie back, and I’ll be fine.”

“I think you think you are fine, but you are not, Chim,” Eddie said.

“What would you know?” Chim demanded.

“I saw what my wife went through when she had Chris, and at the start of it, all my mother was good and helping to make sure that if there was any sign of PPD, Shannon would get the help needed. One of my aunts nearly killed herself because of PPD, and so my mother was very close in watching when any female in her life gave birth. The shit with her thinking Shannon wasn’t good morning came much later.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Where is Jee?” Buck asked.

“She’s with the Lees. They are more than happy to help out right now until Maddie is found and put back where she belongs.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Taylor asked.

‘What?”

“I asked if you have actually been listening to the words that you are saying. You are saying you know better than Maddie what is good for her. You are saying that she can’t make choices for herself. How is that love?”

“I love her!” Chim yelled. He took a step toward them, and Taylor didn’t move. She wasn’t going to give Chim that satisfaction. Buck and Eddie didn’t move either, but they looked ready to defend her.

“Sounds like you actually think she’s some kind of possession that is only good when it’s where you want it. Doesn’t sound like a partner but someone you feel you have a claim on.”

“You don’t understand anything. You are just a useless woman who can’t even understand human emotion. Should have reported you like I wanted back with the whole Bobby thing. Then you wouldn’t be leading Buck around by his dick.”

“And me?” Eddie asked.

“What?”

“I don’t hate her like you seem to. We talked things out. She stalked things out with Bobby. If you haven’t been willing to listen to her and how much she has changed, you need to be the one to change, not everyone else. I want you to leave, Chim. I don’t want you back here at all until I invite you here.”

“Buck needs to fix what he did to his sister.”

“No. Because she’s getting herself the help she needs, I would never think my thoughts of what I want for her life are more important than what she wants. Like I did when you and she started dating after everything with Tatiana. I told her about all of it, but she felt you had changed, and I was willing to let her do what she wanted.”

Chim looked at Taylor. “Keep an eye on him. He likes to sleep around. He’ll hook up with anyone who is willing to let him fuck them.”

“Ah, so was I at one point in time, Chim. It’s what we did at the beginning; just fucked around. He got a little bit of emotion, and I dumped him like a piece of moldy bread. I know what I am getting into with him. You aren’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. I trust that he’s never going to step out on me.”

Chim looked utterly betrayed that neither Eddie nor Buck stepped up.

“You might want to think about what you really are worried about. You keep on claiming that you need to show Maddie how she’s a good mother. How? Doing the same things you’ve been doing. It’s not been working, so she’s gone for help that doesn’t involve you, and you are afraid she’s going to move on from you in there. That is your biggest worry. You are worried about her falling out of love with you or finding that she wasn’t ever in love in the first place, and that speaks to you needing a lot of help, more than her. Think about it. Go and see someone before you destroy the only good relationships you have had in your life.”

Taylor reached forward and shut the door in Chim’s face. She saw Athena pulling up outside, and she hoped he sat there and beat on the door. While a different cop would be better, she also understood Buck or Eddie texting her. It would go over a lot better with her.

“I don’t…I don’t want to help him subjugate Maddie’s wants.”

“And you shouldn’t. He’ll get help, or he’ll lose her. He might still lose her,” Taylor said as she wrapped Buck in a hug. Eddie came in from the other side and hugged Buck as well.

—

Buck rubbed his hands together as he looked away from where Doctor Copeland’s image was fading as the call was cut. Chris was playing in the sun with a few of his cars, and he wasn’t paying attention to Buck at all. Taylor had taken Eddie to his doctor’s appointment and then to therapy, so they would be gone for a while.

Taylor had a weekend shift, so she had taken the days off to allow her to help Buck and Eddie the most. Buck still wasn’t sure what he felt about everything to do with Maddie and Chim. Yet, he was smack dab in the middle of it.

Doctor Copeland was glad Buck wasn’t thinking of giving in to what Chim wanted. Buck needed to allow Maddie to reach out when she was ready, and she might never be. Buck just had to trust she was getting the help she needed.

“Buck, where are we going for lunch?” Chris asked.

“I am not sure. I am just starting to get hungry. I can pack up the car, and we can head out and see what sounds good. Or we can make something based on what is left in the house.”

“It was fun the last time. Let’s do soup. We had some of that chicken from the fajitas a few weeks ago in the freezer. We can do spicy chicken noodle soup with whatever veggies we have on hand.”

“Sounds like a plan. I’m going to go in and get the chicken from the freezer and get it in the pot with some water and chicken base. I wonder if your father has any of that left from the last time I made stock.”

Chris didn’t answer because he couldn’t answer Buck on that. Buck got up, picking up his tablet as he did. He carried it with him, laid it on the island in the kitchen, and took stock of what was in the freezer. There weren’t a lot of veggies, which he knew because they had worked through a lot of them. Taylor and Eddie were going shopping after Eddie’s physical therapy. Buck had offered to go, but they just waved him off. He had hoped that Chris would want to go out to lunch as he could just slip over and do the shopping himself since he was already out.

Buck grabbed the chicken and tossed it in a pot that would make enough for the two of them. The stock was already in the freezer as well. He wasn’t sure what would end up happening with all of this, but it felt like things were up in the air, and Buck would never find good ground.

The chime from an incoming call on his table had Buck frowning. He looked over and nearly dropped the stock cubes as he saw Maddie’s name. He dropped the cubes into the pot and washed his hands off from the stock before he swiped to accept the video call.

“I was shocked to see you online.”

“I just finished up an appointment with Doctor Copeland. I didn’t turn my online to offline and close up the whole thing. How are you doing?”

“I’m good. I’m actually very good. A week of hormone therapy has helped me a lot. I still have a lot to do to be able to get myself back to where I think I want to leave here.”

“Hormone therapy?”

“It’s what I called about. I had a full blood workup, and it was missed that I had an issue with my thyroid. It’s under control, and I’ll talk to you all about it in the email I’ve been drafting. I just wanted you to see me and apologize for not coming to you before I went into inpatient. I needed to go because I feared I would talk myself out of it. I didn’t want to.”

“I wasn’t going to do that.”

“No, not you, just me in general. But I needed to get better before I could even think about taking care of Jee, and what I was doing wasn’t working, and you showed me that. I need to take care of myself, so I can take care of Jee. I don’t want to be our mother. I don’t want that for me, and I don’t want that for her. To have to feel like I have to give up taking care of myself to take care of her. To have Jee think that I don’t love her like we thought with our parents.”

“And I’m glad for you. I’ll support you in everything, Maddie, but Chim’s not taking this well.”

“The doctor I was seeing has told me about it. How Chim’s been acting. I have to wonder if he’s got PPD as well.”

“Taylor thought it. I am not sure. I have never been around a man with PPD, or it could just be stress and inability to take care of it in a way that works. He handles stress on the job so well, but it’s different than home life stress.”

“Something is going on, but I don’t know what it is. I made sure Chim knew I was safe, but he was acting like I ran away and didn’t tell him I was safe. I’m so tired with the medication I was on, which is part of the thyroid issue. The ball was dropped on that front, so my new doctor is looking into how this was missed.”

“There is so much that goes on with the body in pregnancy. It’s easy to miss things, and it’s good it’s been caught. So do you get visitation?”

“I do, but I don’t want Chim or Jee here right now. It’s horrible, right?”

“No, it’s what you feel, and no one should make you feel bad for wanting to make sure you are in a place where you can handle them. I was mainly asking about myself. I could bring food, and we could have a picnic or something when you are ready, not a moment before.”

“I’ll let you know. I have my laptop for a few hours daily, and my phone is with me. I’ve had it off. I have it charging now and will be turning it back on. I want to say I’m Sorry for shutting you out. I understand you feeling like I had cut you out of my life with that and worrying about Chim hurting me, even if you thought that Chim never would like that. It’s hard to be there. My doctor said you were valid to have that worry even if you know Chim would never hurt me. I guess, in a way, that he was, but it wasn’t on purpose. No more than anything else. It’s hard. It’s so hard, Evan.”

“It’s hard now, but it’ll be easier and be better. You’ll get healthy, and you’ll come home to jee. You’ll be the best mother in the world to her and raise her with the kind of love we didn’t have from ours. The same love you gave me.”

“I gotta go,” Maddie said as she started to cry. She reached out, and the image cut away.

Buck knew he had been the one to make her cry, and he was sorry about it, but he meant it. She had done her best with Buck; he loved her for it, and she would be wonderful with her own kid.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, Superman?”

“Is lunch happening soon?’

“I’m sorry, I was talking with Maddie.”

“And she’s okay?”

“She’s getting there. She’s like your dad and me when we were still in the hospital. She’s where she needs to be to improve, but everyone will miss seeing her daily.”

“We can just order in and have soup for dinner?” Chris asked.

“No, we are not. It’s not going to take long. Your father has some of those egg noodles you like when you aren’t feeling well. I’ll just toss those in with the stock and everything. I’ll be quick as possible.”

Buck turned to figure out what he could add to this. He wasn’t sure, but he figured that Chris would like anything. The chicken and stock just needed water and the fire on, and he would add other things as he figured them out. He remembered a baggie of frozen but cooked limas hiding in the back of the freezer, so he dug those out and tossed them in as well.

He grabbed some of the rolls from the fridge and the butter to put on them after warming them in the oven for a few minutes to make them crispy and give them a little more filling. He wasn’t that hungry anymore, but he would try and eat for Christopher’s sake.

“Buck, do you think Dad will start to date again?”

“I don’t know, Chris. He’s pretty hurt right now, and I think afraid to do much of anything that might bring someone else into your life that will leave like Ana and everyone else.”

“I don’t want him to date. I just…I want us to be like we are. Just you, me, him, and Taylor. I don’t want anyone else.”

“Buddy, your dad’s gonna get lonely again, and while there are things that I can do for him and things that Taylor can do. We can’t just fill all of the roles he needs in his life. I want to be everything for him, but I am not sure he’ll ever let anyone else in as he did your mother.”

“You don’t need to be like that with him. You just need to be you. Don’t be something you aren’t.”

Buck wasn’t sure Chris knew what he wanted, but he would talk to Taylor about it before he went to Eddie. Sometimes Taylor and her bluntness filled a role that was needed in making sure Buck could give Eddie options.

“Well, I’ll see what I can do about everything.”

Chris nodded like he knew Buck would fix whatever it was that had Chris upset.

—

Eddie laid the last bag in the kitchen as he looked at the pot in the sink, one of the hand wash-only pans Buck had brought over months ago. He wanted to help with things but was limited on what he could do. They had a god system of Eddie handing people things to put where they belonged. With more of them there, they were shipping a lot more, but Buck and Taylor had that down pat. It felt so damned strange to have Buck and Taylor over all the time, and it was strange to feel like they belonged.

Buck had looked raw when Eddie had come inside to hold the door for Taylor and the first load. He had then gone back out for a few lighter bags he had been told he could pick up.

“What’s up?” Taylor asked as she looked at Buck.

“Not now. Not until he’s asleep. I just need time to figure things out myself before I want to talk about them.”

“No one is hurt, right?” Eddie asked.

“No. Well, no one but me, but it’s the kind of hurt that having siblings brings. I’ll be fine.’

“You heard from Maddie?”

Buck nodded in answer to Taylor’s question. He didn’t want to talk about it right now, and she seemed to get that, so she nodded.

“I’m glad. That’s good. You can talk about it when you feel like you can. Now, what were you going to make for dinner out of this?” Taylor waved her hand at the one bag of stuff Eddie had thrown everything into that Buck needed for dinner.

“It’s a surprise. I made it once for Eddie when Chris was at summer camp and then kind of forgot about it until Eddie talked about it a few days before.”

“I see. Well, I’m intrigued. So I look forward to it. Do you need help?”

“Nope. You guys can get to watching the documentary Chris needs to watch for school.”

Taylor looked at him for a few seconds before she nodded her head and headed out of the kitchen.

—

Taylor knew something was going on with Buck since he had talked to Maddie, but he was looking at Chris with a strange look on his face most of the time, so Taylor wasn’t sure what was being talked about. She wanted to ask Buck about it, but she had tried to broach it a few times, and he just changed the subject while looking at her with mild fear.

Taylor had learned that the truth was something she wanted out of everyone, but sometimes the truth was hard to get to when someone was lying to themselves. Though she wasn’t sure, this was what was happening with Buck. It was like he was scared of himself.

She wasn’t sure what was happening but hoped things would come to a head before long. They all needed it.

Taylor looked at Buck, who was asleep on the air mattress. He looked like an angel when he was like that.

“Want some hot chocolate?” Eddie asked.

Taylor looked up. She hadn’t even heard him coming down the hall.

“Sure. What kind?” Taylor got up from the mattress and made sure she didn’t wake up Buck as she did. She didn’t want him awake for this.

“Well, I have the kind that Chris and I like and the stuff for guests.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Abuela makes the first. It’s got a little heat to it, but mostly it’s got spice to make it flavorful. It’s pretty good.”

“I think I want to try that. If all else fails, I’ll warm up the water in the microwave and then make the other stuff. It’s in a pouch, right?”

“Yes.” Eddie smiled, and he nodded.

“Then let’s go.” Taylor followed Eddie to the kitchen. “Buck makes this stuff at home from melted chocolate.”

“Mine’s not that fancy. I just make the stuff that Abuela makes from cocoa powder and spices. It’s the kind of stuff that many probably don’t like, but for me, it’s a reminder of when times were easier. I like the stuff Buck makes, but it’s fancy and tastes like love differently.”

“Frozen waffles were something my mom used to make for me. She was really bad at other waffles. Tried time and again before just giving up and making toaster waffles with a lot of stuff on top that made it fun. It’s a good memory. So I understand that.”

 

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