Reading Time: 100 Minutes

Title: Rest of Yesterday
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1, San Andreas
Genre: Contemporary, Drama, Family, First Time, Slash, mild BDSM.
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz, canon pairings
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Canon-level angst and situations, kink, under-negotiated kink, erotic asphyxiation, character bashing, not Chimney friendly
Author Note: See master post for expansion on warnings, world, setting, timeline, etc.
Word Count: 78,625
Summary: Everything has been different since Chimney came back from looking for Maddie. Buck has been quiet. Watchful. Eddie is surprised at how it all eventually blows up. Buck thinks Eddie is right that he’s a fixer, but he realizes that sometimes you have to let everything fall apart to see what can be truly salvaged, and then focus on fixing yourself.
Artist: Greeneyesblue

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Chapter Six

“Diaz,” Eddie answered his phone, only half dressed from his recent shower. He could hear the sounds of laughter emanating from the living room, making him smile. Chris and Buck had been up early entertaining each other, and Eddie had woken to a text message saying he should have a sleep in and relaxing morning. He’d thought about ignoring it, but he so rarely got those opportunities. Plus, he figured Buck and Chris could use some time together.

“Firefighter Diaz, this is Captain Ray Gaines of the LA County FD Air Rescue unit. Evan Buckley suggested you might be interested in having a conversation with me.”

Eddie reflexively straightened up. “Yes, sir. Good morning.”

Gaines chuckled. “Good morning, and just Ray will do.”

“Eddie, then. And, yes, I’d be very interested in hearing about any opportunities you have open.”

“Mm hm. And why are you looking to leave the LAFD? I understand you’ve been on the job there for three and a half years now and have a good reputation.”

Eddie sat on the edge of his bed and considered for a few seconds. “While I might transfer stations regardless of Buck, I’m looking to follow him specifically. Aside from the fact that I enjoy working with him, every time I do the job with Buck at my back, I have a little more confidence that I’m going to come home to my son. That kind of faith and confidence in the skill and dedication of another person isn’t something I’ve had since the Army, and it’s invaluable to me.”

“That’s as good a reason as any you could give me. Having faith in the people you work with is vital in our line of work. How about we meet up to discuss the details of when you can start.”

“That’s it?”

“Pretty much. Buck gave me your basic qualifications and I looked up some info on my own, plus I was already aware of your work in the department; you and Buck have some high-profile rescues under your belt.”

“You don’t have other applicants to consider?”

“There are a few with similar qualification—a couple with more time in service. However, I have my reasons for taking Buck’s recommendation to heart.”

Eddie frowned. “And that is? I’m not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but I don’t find good things usually come along this easily.”

“The answer to that is a bit complicated. How about you come to my place today. Bring Buck and Christopher—I have a pool and they can swim while we talk. I know it’s November, but the weather clearly didn’t get that memo; it’s supposed to be nearly 80 today. Besides, the pool is heated.”

Eddie stared at nothing, mouth hanging open for several beats. “I didn’t tell you my son’s name.”

“You sure didn’t, and Buck never told me either. But you’ll get the answer to why I know his name when you come by. Assuming you’re available today…?”

“Uh, yeah.” Eddie did some quick thinking. He had a good feeling about Gaines, and Buck liked the man, so he decided to go for it. “I’ll need to clear it with the other two-thirds of this invite, but if they’re good with it, we’ll be there. I’ll be there regardless.”

“Text me the final count on who’s coming. My address is incoming via text. Let me know what time. If you get here before lunch, I’ll grill.”

Eddie cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’ll, uh, get you an answer right away.”

“See you soon.” The line went dead.

Eddie stared at the phone in his hand and then shook off his stupor so he could pull on a t-shirt.

He joined the the laughing duo in the living room, smiling at the sight of them both sprawled out on their stomachs, books scattered around, along with both their iPads and a laptop.

“Hey, Dad!” Christopher grinned up at him.

“Morning, Eds. We left you some pancakes.”

“Thanks. What are you two up to?”

“We’re doing research for my Earth science paper on nudibranchs.”

Eddie made a face. “Those are the shell-less sea slugs, right?”

“More or less.” Buck laughed. “But I don’t think we’re going to put that as our summary line. Go eat your pancakes.”

“I will happily eat pancakes. But I think I need you to show me where they are.” He gave Buck a meaningful look.

“Okaaay.” Buck hopped to his feet.

Chris gave him an unimpressed look. “I know a code for an adult conversation, Dad. You could just say that.” He waved them off. “But definitely go teach my dad how to use Tupperware, Bucky.”

Buck laughed and headed for the kitchen.

Eddie gave Chris the stink eye. “Smart ass.”

“It’s genetic.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and followed Buck. As soon as the door swung shut, he said, “I just talked to Ray Gaines.”

Buck’s expression sobered. “Oh?”

“He invited all three of us over so he and I could talk job details, and he specifically invited Christopher by name.”

Buck looked startled. “I never even told him you had a son.”

“I know, Buck. I don’t get any bad vibes from him, but how do you think he knows about Chris? Can he get access to my LAFD personnel file?”

Buck shook his head. “Even if LAFD and LA County FD shared files, which they don’t, a captain wouldn’t be able to get access to the file of someone not under their command.”

“All my social media is private…”

Buck chewed his lower lip. “We never looked too closely at the news coverage around the shooting. I’m sure articles mentioned that you had a son—lord knows the department was leaking like a sieve on the information front at that time—and someone might have even given his name, though I’d like to think someone would have given us a heads up about that.” Buck winced. “I mean, given you a heads up.”

“Us,” Eddie corrected firmly. “I’m not oblivious to the co-parenting we’ve had going on, Buck. Also, after the shooting, I literally gave you temporary guardianship of Christopher so you could ensure his care was handled while my arm was out of commission, so it would have been both morally and legally appropriate for someone to tell you if Christopher’s name had appeared in a news article.”

Buck nodded, his expression hard to decipher. “Do you want me to do some research? See what might be out there about him?”

Eddie hesitated. “I don’t get any kind of bad vibe off of Gaines…?”

“Nah, man, Ray is amazing. I know he’s got a family he’s devoted to, though we didn’t get into that too much because time was limited, and we needed to talk about the job. I did Google him, and he was also Army before joining LA County FD. I think he was a helicopter pilot in the Army too.”

“So, you think we should go?”

Buck held up both hands in a warding off gesture. “Whoa, I am not making that call. If this is an informational job interview, then you have to go. If you decide to take Chris, then I am definitely going. Beyond that, I have nothing to offer.”

Eddie almost smiled at the implicit I’ve always got your back. “He said if we came for lunch, he’d grill. I guess I’m feeling impetuous and have a desire for red meat.”

Buck laughed. “I feel you. I guess we should break it to the boss and see if he wants to go. With his heightened anxiety, he may not be eager to—”

“Gaines has a heated swimming pool; he said to bring our suits.”

“Ah. Well, I know exactly what Chris is going to say. Maybe we can put off telling him until closer to time to leave so we don’t have deal with him trying to squirt sunscreen at us for three hours…?”

Eddie just laughed.

~*~

The house they pulled up to was a nice, sprawling, ranch-style home that Eddie guessed was at least four bedrooms. Though the construction was definitely older, probably as old as Abuela’s house, so somewhere in the 60’s.

The door opened and, to Eddie’s surprise, a girl a couple of years older than Christopher came out onto the porch. “Christopher!” Her smile was huge and welcoming.

Chris froze in his tracks and stared. “Mallory?” he whispered, and Eddie glanced at Buck to find that he was slack-jawed.

Mallory gave a squeal of excitement and jumped off the porch, running toward them. “Hi, Buck,” she enthused just before stopping to give Chris a hug then throwing herself at Buck, who had seemed to recover from his shock a little and returned her embrace.

“How have you been?” Buck asked softly.

“I’m great.” She smiled up at him.

“I’m guessing Ray is your dad…?”

“Yep! Mom and I wanted to get in touch with you so many times, but Dad and Blake said it was best to let it alone for awhile. That things were rough for you. But you’re here now! I’m so excited. Come on, everyone is in the house.”

“Blake’s here too?” Chris asked eagerly. “And Emma?”

“You betcha, squirt.”

Chris glared, but it lacked heat. “I’m not that much shorter than you.”

“Every inch matters, according to Blake, who has been lording her height over me for years.”

“Mallory,” a man who had just appeared on the porch said, “you going to bring our guests inside or linger in the driveway?” The voice was the same as the phone call, so Eddie was left to assume this was Ray Gaines. The guy was fucking huge.

“Come on, Chris. I’ll show you where you can change for the pool. We have a guest room we can set everyone’s stuff in.”

Ray stepped down from the porch and headed toward them, and Chris was goggling at the guy too much to pay attention to Mallory. “Wow, he’s even bigger than Buck.” Chris tugged on Eddie’s shirt. “Daddy look…that’s a big arm.”

Eddie sighed, but figured it was all fine when Ray and Mallory both laughed.

That seemed to break Christopher out of his spell, and he started after Mallory, who, for whatever reason, had grabbed Eddie’s bag and taken off with it.

Eddie was left feeling off kilter.

Ray extended a hand. “Nice to finally meet you, Eddie. Ray Gaines.”

Eddie took the proffered hand. “I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on here.”

“You’re not the only one,” Buck muttered then squared his shoulders. “So, the job offer was because…”

“No,” Ray said firmly. “Absolutely not. Just get that right out of your head, Evan Buckley. Head on inside and talk to Emma. She’s been tearful all morning at the prospect of getting to see you again, so you might as well get it over with while I talk to Eddie for a minute.”

Buck stared at Ray for a few seconds but finally nodded and then headed into the house after squeezing Eddie’s arm and offering him a reassuring nod.

Ray tucked his hands in his pockets and met Eddie’s gaze without any aggressiveness. “To answer your question as simply as I can, my wife, Emma, and my two daughters were on the pier the day of the tsunami. Buck pulled all three out of the water, and they spent the day on top of the firetruck with him and Christopher.”

Eddie took that in, trying to process it.

“I was on shift that day. I had been in a complete panic that they’d been killed or needed rescuing, but I didn’t know how to find them. Shortly after Buck went in after Christopher when he fell from the truck, they were able to finally get a text out, letting me know they were okay and were safe to wait for rescue so I could focus on my job.

“When I heard from them how they survived and then reviewed the footage of what Buck did that day, I knew I wanted him on my team. I offered him the job then, and I’ve offered him a job every six months since.”

“You have that kind of hiring latitude?”

“Not normally, no, but LA county is very invested in assets who can work in a variety of disciplines, and especially those who are good at complex search and rescue.”

Eddie glanced away for a moment, trying to get his bearings. “I’ll admit, I’ve never looked too closely at what went on that day. I have Christopher’s account and that’s about all. I was interested in Buck’s accounting, but he never wanted to talk about it. I know Buck pulled a lot of people out of the water, but not much else about it.”

“Did you not push because you were being respectful of Buck’s trauma around the situation or were you shielding yourself from the reality of what they went through?”

Eddie felt wrong-footed by the blunt question. “I guess both. Buck has always avoided talking about the tsunami and, I’ll admit, I didn’t want to see images of them in peril.”

“Pretty sure most of the images of them you’ll find is them playing I-Spy or rock paper scissors, but I catch your meaning.” Ray gave Eddie an assessing look. “I never told Buck about Emma and the girls because Buck hasn’t been able to deal with that day as far as I know. When he approached me about the job, one of the things I asked him to do was sit down and watch videos of his performance during the tsunami and dissect what he did wrong, what he did right, and where improvements can be made. It’s something we do on almost every major rescue.

“I needed to know if he could evaluate his performance both realistically and provide critical feedback.”

“That wasn’t the only reason though, right?”

“No. I needed to get him inured to what that day was. I needed to know if he was in a swift water rescue situation that he wouldn’t freeze up. After that day, I knew he’d be okay learning about Emma and the girls. They’ve talked about him a lot the last two years, so they’re very happy to finally have him along. Those discussions were recent, however, so prior to his job interview, I had no idea how or if he’d moved on from that trauma.”

“And how does any of this play into me being along? Is this a favoritism thing?”

“I guess, in part, you could look at it that way. If I have ten candidates in front of me that are more or less equally qualified, I’m going to take the guy that Buck feels comfortable working with. Take that how you will.”

“And we circle back to…the department allows you to make those decisions?”

“To a point, yes. Normally, the chief presents a pool of candidates, and the captains fight it out for who we want to recruit, do interviews, make offers—just like it is in the LAFD. But there are also some assets in the LAFD, and other surrounding stations—that we have some blanket permission to hire. Buck is on that list. So are you.”

Eddie’s brows shot up at that tidbit. “Is this part of that ‘equally qualified’ thing you mentioned?”

“For what I do, equal does not mean exactly the same. For SAR, Buck is better qualified than you no matter how you weight things, due to a lot of training he had prior to joining the LAFD—continuing education has just improved his situation. However, of our current candidate pool, you’re equal or better than most even though you have less time in the department than many of them. You being a former combat medic weighs highly in your favor as it tells me that we’re not going to have an issue with you freezing up under harsh circumstances.”

Eddie nodded slowly, mind spinning with all the new information. “Buck said the position was for a medic?”

“Firefighter/medic. Everyone that flies with me must be a firefighter or have broad search and rescue certifications, such as SARTECH II and III. We needed someone with more medic or paramedic qualifications. You’d still be on tap for everything else we do, but if there are injuries, you’d stay in the bird usually and deal with the injured as we pull them up, not go down yourself. Not unless we needed you to get someone stabilized before we could move them.”

“Fair enough. How big is the team?”

“Six-person team. We don’t always all fly out together, depends on the situation, but it’s not uncommon for the whole team to be together. If it’s strictly aerial rescue, meaning no one is going to touch the ground, we’re more likely to fly with only four. Two out of the bird, two in.” Ray paused for a second. “Do you have any flight time?”

“I was close to being certified for helicopter pilot when we were shot down. I never resumed.”

Ray nodded. “I’ll want you to get your pilot’s license. Having a backup pilot is always the better choice. Our previous medic was the backup pilot, so you’re fitting in well in that regard.”

Eddie swallowed heavily.

“Haven’t really dealt with everything that happened in the sandbox, have you?”

“I’m working on it. Going to be seeing someone new.”

“There’s a vet’s support group I attend that you’re welcome to come to as well if you have a mind to. I also want to log some flight hours with you to get you used to being back in the bird before you give notice with the LAFD. There’s no point in torturing yourself with being in an air rescue unit if it’s going to trigger you constantly.”

“Right.” Eddie wanted to argue, but he knew he couldn’t. He needed to know that he could handle the job without traumatizing himself every shift.

“I’ll admit, I can be a bit of a micromanager about the mental health of my people. For all of our sake, we need to be our best up there. Also, we give our all for our jobs, so we deserve to have a heart and mind as unburdened as possible.”

Eddie just nodded, mentally wondering at the differences between Ray and Bobby. Aside from the fact that Ray captained a smaller apparatus and therefore a smaller team, he wondered how much that contributed to how assertive Ray was. “So, is this the job interview?”

“Basically. Other than getting you up in the bird, of course. I need to do a maintenance run tomorrow if you’re game to get that out of the way. As a member of a sister department, it should be easy enough to get you on board.”

Eddie felt utterly unprepared for that step, but he figured that was why Ray was pushing it so quickly. “You don’t want to check into my qualifications any further?”

“I’m mostly concerned about how my assets handle themselves during a rescue.”

Eddie raised a brow in challenge.

“Oh, you have no idea, do you?” Ray outright laughed at him. “That means Buck doesn’t know either. That’s hilarious.”

“Know what?”

“You two have fan channels on YouTube and another on TikTok, and there’s a little but of stuff on Tumblr too. They’re run by people who’ve rounded up others’ posted videos of the two of you working together. That got around amongst the chiefs of some of the surrounding departments, particularly after the tsunami, and that’s when many departments had a standing order to hire you if either of you applied.”

“Are you serious?”

“Definitely. Don’t sweat it, junior. There’s stuff like that about me too. People are drawn to competency, and you and Buck are very dynamic and competent, especially when you’re working together.”

Eddie felt his face heat, and dragged his hand through his hair. “I’m not even going to think about it.” He scowled. “That’s probably not true; I’ll probably obsess over it.”

Ray just laughed at him. “You’ll get used to it.”

“I’d like to see these videos you have of Buck during the tsunami, if you don’t mind.”

“You sure you want to see that?”

“I think I need to. If it’s been so in Buck’s way that he wasn’t ready to even know that your family were some of his rescues…? That seems like it’s a big stumbling block.”

“The stumbling block is about Christopher and the danger he was in. Buck feels to blame because he took Christopher there and then, once the kid was safe from the surge, he fell from the truck.”

“None of that was within Buck’s control, not even Christopher’s fall, not based on what Christopher has told me.” Eddie sighed. “If he’s to blame for taking Chris to a kid-oriented place on a day there was a natural disaster he couldn’t have known about, then I’m just as much to blame for dumping my kid on him with no warning.” Eddie gave a mirthless laugh. “In fact, I’ll put it to him in just that way.”

“Oh, if only it were appropriate to film his reaction to that.”

Eddie’s laugh this time had more real amusement.

“I’ll send you some links; watch when you’re ready. But back to the pseudo job interview. You game to go on the maintenance run with me tomorrow? I’ll warn you that people will probably infer it as a move toward transfer to LA County FD and that gossip could get back to your station at the speed of light.”

Eddie shrugged. “I’m not worried. If I make the change, it’ll be quick, and if I don’t, then their gossip will seem like exactly that.”

“Fair enough.”

“Anything else I need to know?” Eddie prodded.

“The first step is gauging where you’re at with being in the helo. If you’re okay with it, then I’d want to talk out how you feel about being the backup pilot. There are two phases to that: licensing and then certification to fly for the department. That process will be slow, so don’t think I expect it to happen overnight. After that, I’d like you to consider finishing your paramedic certs. If you say no to the pilot licensing, then the paramedic training becomes top priority.”

Eddie blinked a few times. “Why paramedic? I get why you want a backup pilot for your unit.”

“The more training we have up there the better. Normally, it would be a fully trained paramedic in your spot, but there’s a case to be made that in our type of rescues that a trained combat medic is perhaps a better choice. There are things you’re trained for, and things you’re trained to do, that even our firefighter-paramedics aren’t, and certainly not a private company paramedic.

“I’d mentioned people having equal qualifications when weighting for certain skills…? Believe me, the fact that you were a combat medic weights highly in your favor, to the degree that you’re a more desirable candidate to me than someone with twenty years in the department.”

Eddie nodded, able to see the logic that training and years experience weren’t everything. Specialized skills and actual field application of those skills mattered. “If you can say, I’m curious what made Buck a good fit for your team?”

“His rope skills are second to none. I’ve never seen anyone in my career with his affinity for it, and I knew there was more than his history with the LAFD behind it. He and I had some long talks about his pre-LAFD days.”

“Yeah, he was doing volunteer SAR out of Colorado and then New Mexico when a FEMA task force picked him up.”

“He’s good. And he picks up new skills lightning fast. I would have thought he was swift-water certified with the way he handled himself in the tsunami. He will be soon because I need to be able to lower him into water.”

Eddie couldn’t help but grin. “You expect a lot of ongoing training, don’t you?”

“Hell yes. Continuing education, refresher courses for skills we don’t get to use often, and lots of drilling.”

“I was pretty much in before we ever talked, but I think the reality check of being in the helicopter is a good idea. Pending how that goes tomorrow, I’m game to put in my two week’s notice.”

“Excellent. If you want your timing to be as close to Buck’s as possible, I’d suggest you fill out the official application the minute you’ve made the final decision, we can get the formal offer letter to you within forty-eight hours, and then you can give notice. Either to your boss or, if it’s more than twenty-four hours away from a shift, give it to HR. I know it’s probably tempting to give notice the minute you’ve made the decision, but have the offer letter in hand first.”

Eddie appreciated the caution, so he just nodded.

“Any other questions for me about the job?”

“I’m probably going to have lots, but I’ll be honest that you threw me for a bit of an emotional loop with the revelation about the tsunami—and various other things—so they flew right out of my head.”

“That’s totally legit. Come on inside and officially meet the family. Now that the girls have Chris back in their clutches, you can expect to be a regular around here, whether you take my job offer or not.”

“That sounds a bit like a threat,” Eddie said with a grin.

Ray clapped him on the back and led him toward the house. “You have no idea.”

~*~

Eddie was tidying up the kitchen while Buck read Christopher a bedtime story. The day with the Gaines family had gone on longer that anticipated, but everyone had a great time. Buck had relaxed and had a good time reconnecting with everyone, though Eddie could tell that memories were tugging at him quite often. The Gaines family were good people, of that Eddie was certain, and he was happy enough to expand his circle of friends to include them even if the job opportunity didn’t work out.

Buck appeared back in the kitchen much sooner than Eddie expected.

Eddie dried his hands. “He ready to sleep already?”

“He conked out two paragraphs in.” Buck looked a little disgruntled at having his story routine interrupted.

Eddie bit back a smile. “All that swimming wore him out. Grab us some beers and I’ll meet you in the living room.” He detoured by Chris’ bedroom to press a soft kiss to his son’s forehead, closing the door gently. Then he grabbed his tablet just in case they needed it.

Joining Buck on the sofa, he accepted the beer Buck handed him. “That obviously took you by surprise today, but you seemed to be doing okay. Is that real or a front?”

“I’m okay. I can’t deny that the tsunami was a major trauma point for a long time, but I’d dealt with it in therapy long before Ray sat me down and made me watch videos of it. Not that that wasn’t its own form of hell because that sucked, but I’ve been able to be rational on the subject for about six months now.”

“You’ve never mentioned it…”

“When would I have done that, Eds? I was just about at the point when I thought I had a good handle on my feelings when you were shot.”

Eddie took a drink of his beer and conceded the point. “I guess I should say we’ve never talked about it. So, I guess I don’t need to give you the speech about how if you’re still holding on to inappropriate guilt that it’s as much my fault as yours, if not more so, for dumping my kid on you with no warning and no actual consent on your part?”

Buck’s eyes went wide. “I really, really do not want to have that conversation.”

“Yeah, okay. As long as you’re not actually holding on to any blame for how anything that day went.”

“Blame, no. But I’ll always hold on to some regret that I turned Christopher’s back to the dead bodies rather than just telling him to close his eyes. He was tired and he did what I said easily anyway, so there was no need to move him.” Buck rubbed his forehead. “He’d have never fallen from the truck if I hadn’t moved him.”

Eddie blew out a breath, knowing he, too, would have done some rash, instinctive stuff to shield Chris from dead bodies. “Regrets. I know all about that. As long as it doesn’t eat you up inside, that’s all I can ask. Though I would like to finally dig a little more into what happened that day just because it seems like our new coworkers know a lot more about the tsunami than I do, and I’d like us to be able to talk about it.”

Buck cautiously gives a nod. “Are we talking about full-on discussions here?”

“If you’re okay with that.”

Buck blew out a breath. “Yeah, all right.”

“Your forbearance is noted.”

“Tell me how it went with Ray.”

“We’re going to do a test run tomorrow to make sure I’m not triggered by being in a helicopter.”

Buck winced. “God, I didn’t even think of that. I feel like an ass.”

“Honestly, Buck, I didn’t think of it either, and it’s my own history. We’ve both been focused on pressing issues, and Afghanistan feels very far away. Anyway, you good to stay with Chris for a bit? Otherwise, I can drop him with Abuela.”

“Yeah, of course. I have no fixed plans.” He waved his phone. “Hen’s been texting me. She’d like to get together. Maybe I’ll go see her while you’re with Ray, Chris can see Denny for a minute. That way I’m not taking off later. He seems very territorial right now.”

“His anxiety is definitely worse than I thought.”

“I’d already sent a text to Dr. Copeland, though I didn’t expect to hear back from her until Monday. But she already replied with some suggested topics that were kid safe and how to structure it. She also had a list of therapists that were good with kids who’d suffered trauma who were in the pre-teen and teen years. Maybe better to pick someone he can grow into rather than someone he’ll have to stop seeing soon. But you might get some better recs from Dr. Thomas.”

“Didn’t Dr. Copeland send you to Dr. Thomas?”

“Yes.”

“So, they probably work with the same group of people. Just send me the list. I appreciate the assist on that.”

Buck nodded, then nudged Eddie with his foot. “Hey. You okay about this flight tomorrow?”

“More nervous than I think I should be. I think I’m already more invested in this as a potential job opportunity than I’d realized, and my own PTSD coming up as a potential issue was a curveball I hadn’t anticipated.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“You’ve done it, Buck. You’re here, you’re giving us a chance to fix this. If the job doesn’t work out, I’m not as rattled as I might have been because I know you and I are going to work the problem, and we’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, we will be.” Buck’s smile was genuine, and Eddie felt like they’d finally turned the corner on the potential disaster he hadn’t even been aware was looming in his life a mere seventy-two hours ago.

Chapter Seven

Buck accepted the coffee Hen prepared for him and settled at the Wilson’s kitchen table. Karen was keeping Denny and Chris busy during what Buck figured would to be a contentious conversation.

Hen gave him a pained smile. “How are you?”

Buck rolled his coffee cup between his hands. “There’s nothing going on with me that hasn’t been going on for a long while, Hen. Let’s not pretend that it suddenly matters, okay?” He realized he’d gotten pretty bitter, more so than he’d wanted to admit to himself.

She winced. “Buck, I do care about you. The worst of those things weren’t said in front of me.”

“Hen, please don’t, it’s just going to make me upset. There was plenty that you saw and that you were okay with. You were fine with how he treated me the entire time he was gone, you were fine with his obnoxious outgoing message, you were fine with me not getting to see my niece,” he snapped at the last.

“I wasn’t fine with any of that,” she returned softly, “but I just wasn’t choosing to get between you.”

“I’m not going to do this. From my perspective, you’ve been supportive of Chim’s behavior to a degree that could be called tacit approval if not outright enablement. You outright encouraged him to go after Maddie, stalking her across the country with a baby in the backseat. I’m not interested in hearing how I suddenly matter. So, what did you really want?”

She looked stricken at his words, though Buck wasn’t going to sacrifice himself on the altar of making this family happy any longer.

He leaned forward a bit. “My belief is that my happiness has never really mattered, and maybe that’s not true, but I’m not sure how else to interpret what’s been going on.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“That’s great. I’m not cutting off pieces of myself so you can feel good about your toxic enablement of his bad behavior. What’s next?”

She sat back hard in her chair and seemed set to say something in anger then she visibly reined herself in.

“Why don’t you just say what’s really on your mind.” Buck wasn’t going to tap dance around this being in any way about him.

“He’s potentially going to lose everything, Buck. I don’t know how to be okay with that and, after all these years, your callous disregard is not the man I know,” she bit out.

“Whatever he loses at this point is his own doing, not mine. And it seems you’re really fine with me losing out, with me being miserable, with me not getting to have my family, but you’re not okay with Chim getting any of the consequences that he brought on himself. Less than he deserves, to be perfectly frank, and we both know it.”

“I’m not okay with you being hurt,” she snapped, “but why can’t I be upset for him and you?”

“I just find the timing of your sudden concern for me to really suspect,” he said dryly. Not wanting to get into that, he asked, “What is it exactly that Chim is going to lose here? Last I heard, aside from well-earned suspension for bullshit he pulled on the job, he’s not going to suffer much at all.”

“When Maddie finds out—”

“Maddie already knows,” Buck interjected. “Seriously? Did you really think I wouldn’t tell her considering her history with domestic violence?”

Hen flinched.

“She’s working through it and I’m sure Chim is going to have to deal with some uncomfortable conversations with her, but I doubt she’ll leave him in the long run.”

“You told her? In her condition, you—”

“Don’t even, Hen. Unlike Chim, I actually do have medical proxy and am involved in my sister’s care. Which I hope to dump like a hot potato when she’s in a better frame of mind to make choices for herself. I worked with her medical team to determine if she should be told, when, and under what circumstances. And if you think her therapist didn’t think a woman with a history of domestic violence didn’t need to know, while under therapeutic care, that the man she lives with and allows to care for her child, battered her family member for no damn reason—and, yes, there was no damn reason—then you’ve crawled so far up Chim’s ass that you can’t evaluate the situation at all.”

“Hey!”

Buck glanced away, jaw muscles tight as he clenched his teeth. After a few seconds, he finally managed to say, “I’m sorry for that last, but I really think you’ve got a lot of nerve to be questioning me about anything related to Maddie. In fact, it’s pretty fucking nervy of you to question me about anything personal considering how you haven’t seemed to give a shit about me in a long damn time.”

She looked stricken. “Buck, no.” She pushed her glasses up on top of her head and pressed her hands to her face for a few seconds. “God, I’m messing this up. I’m so sorry. Of course I care about you, I’ve just done a bad job of showing it. In truth, Karen read me the riot act for how this whole situation with Chim has gone. I know I tease you and Eddie about being co-dependent, but the truth is that it’s Chim and me. We did get emotionally enmeshed around a really bad situation, and I…”

She paused and blew out a breath. “I call him out on some stuff, of that there’s no doubt, but that tends toward the professional. I’ve never called him out on the deep personal stuff. And I should have. I never said a word about the way he acts about or treated women before Maddie.

“I was so relieved when he fell in love with Maddie because that womanizer side of Chim was behind us. I was grateful that he’d become so fixated on what I saw as a healthy relationship that I failed to see the ways it wasn’t healthy. I wanted to see his relationship with her preserved—at all costs—because the alternative was the return of a side of my friend that I really don’t like.

“It let me blind myself to another side of him that I also don’t like, and you got caught up in that, and I’m so, so sorry.” She reached out and set a hand on his forearm. “I just want to know how to fix things.”

“I think time is the only fix, Hen. I have to see that things are changed, and that’s going to take even more time and commitment to be friends considering that I’m going to leave. I’m not sure that sort of commitment is actually there.”

She swallowed heavily. “If Chim is leaving, why do you need to leave as well? Can’t we try to fix it?”

“I’d already made these plans before everything blew up so publicly at work. I’ve been miserable since he got back, and no one seemed to care. Except Eddie, who really thought he was doing what I wanted by ignoring the situation. I get that from him because he and I have talked about Chim’s bullshit, and I know he was always on my side. But from you and Bobby? It felt like you just didn’t care that I was miserable—didn’t care that he attacked me. You didn’t care about what I’d lost, only what Chim had. Chim and I are still both losing in this situation, except he caused this problem.”

She looked upset. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’ve been holding on to the past for a long time, Hen.” He shook his head. “I need to move forward. The job change is about me at this point, not Chim. I think it’s going to be good. If there’s anything to fix in terms of a personal relationship, we’ll have to show a dedication to it outside of A-shift’s schedule.”

“Okay,” she finally conceded. “That’s fair.” After a beat, she asked, “I figure you’re moving to another department because you’re not going to give up being a firefighter. I won’t ask what department since you haven’t volunteered it, but I’m curious if our shifts will still be similar…?”

He thought about just telling her, but he didn’t actually believe she’d keep that to herself just yet. He wanted to have that faith in her again, but he just didn’t. “Yeah, I’ll be on a similar shift. I’ll get you the details closer to the time.” County and City used the same shift calendar. Buck—and hopefully Eddie—would be on A-shift.

She nodded. “Can I ask you something about Eddie?”

“I may not be able to answer, but you can ask.”

She blew out a breath. “There’s something he confided in me, and I obliquely brought it up in front of Bobby. Eddie was pissed, and he had every right to be. I was rattled about the situation with Chim, and I just wasn’t thinking.”

Buck sat back hard in his chair. “Was it something that could have affected him professionally?” There were only two things he could think of that were confidential that Hen could have brought up. If she didn’t know if Bobby was read in, it was a huge misstep on her part.

Hen nodded. “Definitely could, though I don’t think Bobby would hurt Eddie’s career over it. Other captains might,” she admitted. “From Bobby’s lack of reaction, he inferred what I was talking about, and he already knew.”

“So… Are you asking me how to make things right with Eddie or are you asking me if he’s mad? Because I’m not sure I can help with either. He hasn’t mentioned it to me, though Eddie can be pretty rigid about some things. I’m taking a guess—and I don’t want you to say anything—about what you almost revealed, and if I’m right, that’s information that could have affected his livelihood. The fact that it didn’t won’t really matter to him. Put yourself in his shoes. If someone you thought you trusted put you in a position that would have affected your ability to care for your son, would you be very forgiving?”

“No, of course not. I just…was drawing parallels between people doing shitty things that could get them in trouble and I put forth that it wasn’t fair that Chim was getting consequences when others don’t. Before you say anything, in retrospect, I realize that Chim has been the one to continue to double down on what he did. He’s piled on and piled on and piled on to the point that no one would let it go.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I get that it’s not the same, but I was flailing, and I fucked up. I don’t know how to make it right.”

“Time is the only thing for any of this,” Buck said softly, feeling for her because she’d fucked up with Eddie in a pretty serious way that might not be recoverable because some things Eddie wasn’t likely to bend about. Eddie would make a good show of it for Christopher’s sake, so Hen might come to think Eddie trusted her again, but Buck though it unlikely that he ever truly would. “If any of us mean it about being family, it needs to mean more than the fact that we work A-shift together. If we are family, then we’ll work through this, we’ll keep seeing each other, and time will heal things as much as it can—not without scars, but it will heal.

“There’s no quick fix. I’ve known that for a long time, I just wanted there to be. I often wish I had just left the station back when I first had the idea that it was a solution to the problem. It would’t have been a real solution, but it would have stopped some of this epic fallout.”

She shook her head. “We all knew that wasn’t the right path even then.” She sighed. “I knew he was off the rails, but I was sure finding Maddie and bringing her home would fix everything. I made myself blind to everything else.” Hen gave him a sad smile. “So…time, eh?”

“Time.”

She reached out with both hands and took both of his. “I promise, Evan Buckley, that you matter to me, and I want to see things fixed. I’m willing to give it the time required. Even if we need to fight it out periodically until all the bad feelings are out. I’m in this and I want you around for as long as I can have you.”

He offered a tremulous smile, afraid to hope, but willing to take the chance because Hen deserved it.

~*~

Buck entered the house with Christopher chattering happily ahead of him. Eddie was in the dining room and accepted a hug from his son, listening attentively to Christopher’s recounting of his and Denny’s video games.

Finally, Eddie settled his hands on Chris’ shoulders. “Question for you. Mallory invited you to a movie, if you want to go.”

Chris’ mouth dropped open. “Really? I can go out to a movie like a big kid?”

“Yeah, Emma is going to take you guys and one of Mallory’s friends, if you’re interested. I’m not sure what the movie is, but Emma promised it’d be fun and age appropriate. They’re going to pick you up in an hour; I just have to text her if you want to go.”

“Yes!”

“Okay, Go wash up and get changed.”

“This is going to be so much fun!”

Buck settled at the table as Chris made a beeline down the hall. He raised a brow in inquiry because Eddie looked stressed. “Rough day?”

“It didn’t go as badly as I feared, but it wasn’t great.”

Buck just nodded. “What do you need?”

Eddie’s shoulders seemed to relax a little. “I don’t know. Ray said we can do everything on a trial basis, and I’ll have to transfer to one of the U-SAR ground teams if being in the helicopter gets to be too much. But he said we should know by the time I get out of training…?”

“Yeah, there’s a training class for helicopter teams. It was part of why I needed to resign soon. The next class is in a little over three weeks.”

“So, I’m in the right time to attend that class with you?”

“Yep.”

“Ray said something about me going on every flight with him until the training—I think he figured you and I had talked more about the particulars than we have.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t sure you were really going to…” Buck trailed off and gestured vaguely.

Eddie nodded. “I think I need to get out of the 118 even if I can’t go handle doing air rescue all the time. We’ve had to go up a couple of times, but it’s not like we have notice of it ahead of time, and it’s usually over and done before I can react. It’d be different doing it every shift, knowing I was going to be in the air a lot of the time. I definitely need to sort myself out.” Eddie blew out a breath and spread his hands out on the table like he was trying to release tension. “I’d prefer to work on a team with you, but I realized that I was starting to look forward to the move for myself and not just following you. I think I’ve been pushing down some stuff for a while, and this is a good change for me.”

“That’s fair. You should definitely do what’s best for you, Eds. Whether that’s on the ground or on the team with me—I just want you to be happy.”

Eddie smiled. “I know; I never doubted it.” He tilted his head inquisitively. “What are you going to be doing in that two-week break where Ray is going to be hauling me around in the bird with him.”

“Well, week two of that is Thanksgiving week. The department orientation is Monday and Tuesday of that week and training starts the next week. We get credit for about twenty hours for time in orientation, so Ray will take us for one shift that week for team orientation, equipment orientation—everything we need to know about working on his team. He said he’s let us choose between the Thanksgiving or Saturday shift. I figured we’d rather have Thanksgiving off, and Ray says Thanksgiving is pretty dead for SAR anyway, even if it’s hopping for firefighters.”

Eddie nodded. “What about the first week?”

Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ll be teaching advanced rope techniques to a U-SAR class in the Valley—bridge course between RRT and RRS. It’ll be a weeklong thing, Monday through Friday, all day sort of gig. LA County baked that class in as part of the timing for me joining Ray’s team officially; their normal instructor will be out on maternity leave, and they needed a fill.”

“Damn, Buck. I wish I could attend.”

“Better you be up with Ray.”

“Yeah.” Eddie seemed to be stealing himself. “I also called that therapist. How come you didn’t tell me that his intake appointment is three hours.” Eddie was nearly whining.

Buck’s lips twitched. “He’s very thorough.”

“This going to be hell.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“I called from the car after going up with Ray. I’m determined to get this fixed.”

“Don’t go in so hard on yourself. If you go in thinking you can deal with the trauma from war in six sessions, you’re going to be in for a rude shock.”

Eddie’s jaw muscles flexed and then he sort of slumped. “That’s fair. I really hate this.”

“I know. So, when do you see him?”

“His last appointment on Tuesday. He said he had his last appointment free, and he’d add on the extra time for the intake.”

Buck was surprised. Dr. Thomas’ intakes were usually at least a six week wait. Whatever the reason Eddie had gotten in so quickly, he was glad of it. “So, we’re on shift tomorrow. If you don’t get enough sleep tomorrow night, you need to rest up after shift because you don’t want to do that intake grouchy from exhaustion.”

“Yes, mom,” Eddie snarked. “You good with Chris for the evening, or…?”

“Pfft. Chris and I are fine. Never worry about that.”

Eddie smiled. “I know. So, how’d it go with Hen?”

“As good as it could, I suppose. She seems determined to try to mend the rift that’s formed between us. And between you and her.” He shot Eddie a meaningful look. “I emphasized that it would take time. It remains to be seen if distance will dull her commitment or if she’ll just revert back to unwavering support of Chim, bad behavior and all. Though she did acknowledge that she’s never liked some of Chim’s more questionable behaviors towards women. I think she found the womanizing stuff off-putting.”

“Surprised she put up with that.”

“Me too, honestly, but they have a bond I’ll probably never understand, I’m not going to question it.”

Eddie was quiet for a second before offering, “In front of Bobby, she alluded to me supposedly not having to face consequences for punching that guy. At the time I confided in her, Bobby didn’t know about the situation, though he and I discussed it later when I was uncertain what might happen with charges.”

Buck winced, not liking that he’d guessed right about what Eddie was pissed about. “That was out of line on her part.”

“It makes it nearly impossible for me to trust her with anything personal, you know?”

“I get it. I understand why she’s lashing, trying to defend Chim, and even trying to defend the status quo at the station, but she knew as soon as she said it, I think, that she’d crossed the line.”

“Yeah.” Eddie’s expression was pensive. “What’d you tell her?”

“Just to give it time and prove that she cared about trying to remain friends. I figure you’ll retain some level of friendship with her and Karen for Christopher’s sake, but what I didn’t tell her is that I doubted you’d ever really trust her again.”

Eddie nodded. “It’s hard for me to trust people with deeply personal things. I was so messed up back then, and I nearly screwed my whole life up. I was prepared to accept whatever was coming my way, but I can’t say I was upset that the whole thing wound up going away.”

“The guy was preying on the people and abusing the legal system. I’m not butthurt about his situation.”

Eddie chuckled. “That and the fighting were the impetus for Bobby to throw me in the direction of a therapist. I think I resented it a lot, and I realize I never gave Frank a chance. Maybe he was a better fit for me than I realized, but I couldn’t see it because I was just…angry.”

“Maybe, but that’s sort of irrelevant now. It’s not his job to be liked, and he’s not going to lose any sleep over not connecting with a single patient. You do what’s right for you now, and that’s all anyone can ask.”

“I guess.”

“So, you’re leaving the department no matter what?”

“Yeah. I already filled in the application. I know Ray said to give them forty-eight hours to produce the offer letter, but I think I’m going to go ahead and submit my two-week’s notice at the beginning of next shift.”

“That’s taking a bit of a risk.”

Eddie shrugged. “I figure if they don’t produce an offer, I’ll ask to rescind my resignation. I just don’t want to linger long after you’re gone.”

“Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”

Eddie nodded and smiled, just as Christopher called out. “Dad! I can’t decide between the blue t-shirt and my iron man shirt!”

Smiling, Eddie pushed back from the table.

~*~

Eddie sat across from Bobby, watching him read the resignation letter.

With a sigh, Bobby settled his splayed hand over the page on his desk. “I probably shouldn’t be surprised by this, but I’ll admit that I am.”

“It’s what I need to do. I’m hoping to work with Buck, but even if I can’t, I realize I need something different.”

Bobby nodded. “He’s been really firm about not talking about anything until he’s served out his two weeks.”

“It’s a good call. You two have a history of blurring the lines, more so than with anyone else, and it’s not all on you—Buck knows that. But you do have a tendency to forget you’re his captain when it suits you and then suddenly remember it.”

Bobby winced. “That wasn’t…” He shook his head. “I messed up, but I’m not sure how to fix it.”

“Be patient and wait for the right time to talk, and then be determined. Buck doesn’t actually want to lose you in his life, he’s just not prepared to keep coming last in everyone’s priority list.”

“He’s not last.”

“Sure seems like it, even from the outside. I’m not sure what that even was that you pulled by confronting him over the dinner table, but you know it was wrong.”

Bobby squeezed his eyes shut for a second. “I keep replaying that moment and wishing I could go back in time and undo it. Or go back further and not encourage Chim to go after Maddie, to make him get some help if he wanted to keep his job. I feel like I’ve made a series of bad choices that caused this.”

“You didn’t cause this, Bobby; you’re not God. Buck already had his resignation set and a new job accepted. Everyone played a hand in it, but the way you confronted Buck, and only Buck, and did it so publicly, was a failure of you as a captain.”

Bobby nodded, looking conflicted. “I’m not sure how to make it right with him.”

“Just do what he asked. Be the captain on the job and, when his last shift is done, reach out and start working on the personal stuff. Buck cares about you, and he doesn’t want to admit it right now, but he’ll be devastated to lose you. Making this move is hard enough on him; having to try to navigate the relationship issues is too much on top of everything else. That’s why he said not until after he’s done here.”

“But you and he worked it out?”

“I was never anything but on Buck’s side.”

“And you think I wasn’t?” Bobby looks honestly affronted.

“Uh. You knew Chim hit him, and you brought Chim back into this station. I’m not sure what you call that, Bobby, but it’s not being on Buck’s side, nor is it being a good captain. At least, not in my mind.”

Bobby looked shocked and sat back hard in his seat. “Buck had refused to formally name who hit him, but you’re right, I did know. Maybe, in my own way, I was trying to keep everything exactly the same.”

“Well, you’re just like your kid, then, Bobby, because why do you think he put up with this shit for so long?”

Bobby looked both a little abashed and pleased, but he didn’t deny Eddie’s assertion. “I guess we’re all change-averse in our way.”

“The only person not with the program was Chim, and I’ll be frank that I don’t think he deserved the second chance he got, but if you and Hen had been a little firm with him and given him the come-to-Jesus meeting that he needed, this could have been avoided.”

“That’s…probably fair.”

“That said, I do think this move is good for Buck. He’d have continued trying to so hard to keep everything the way it was that he’d have lost himself.”

“And you can’t tell me where it is that he’s going?”

“He wants to keep that to himself for now.”

“I’m getting the strong feeling that he doesn’t trust me.”

“He honestly believes that you’d screw with his job opportunities, Bobby. Whether right or wrong, stuff has happened to give him that impression. Maybe you need to think about that.”

“I would never interfere with Buck’s career.”

“You flat out told him in front of all of us that you’d block his transfer,” Eddie reminded him firmly.

“I didn’t mean it that way! I just… I didn’t think he really wanted to leave, so I was reminding him that he couldn’t just be self-sacrificing. That he’d need my help to engage in that sort of fool stunt, and I wasn’t prepared to give it.”

“Yeah, but, Bobby, ultimately, it’s not up to you to decide what’s foolish and what’s not. He’s a grown man who gets to make his own choices.”

“God. Yeah, that’s…totally fair. I really messed up with him.”

“Fix it. He wants you to, I know that he does. Just, for now, give him the space he’s asked for.”

Bobby nodded then rapped his knuckles against Eddie’s resignation. “And start looking for a replacement for you, huh?”

“It has the potential to be good. Buck has a lot good to say about Ravi. Get him into some classes to get a few more certifications for U-SAR, and he’ll be good to slot in for Buck. I don’t think you have a chance in hell of keeping Sam on this shift, though, so we should focus on getting Ravi ready for the truck company, yeah?”

Bobby nodded, looking tired. “I’ll need to look for another rescue asset to partner with Ravi, one with more experience on the job. I can’t have two newbies. Considering our staffing issues, I may have to do a swap to another station for Sam.” He made a dismissive gesture. “I’ll figure it out. Go ahead and get started on the task sheet. I think DeKay wants you on maintenance with him.”

“Will do.”

Eddie left Bobby’s office and ran upstairs to get a cup of coffee. He found Buck wrapping up cleaning the kitchen. Everyone else was occupied with tasks downstairs, so Buck halted his work and gave Eddie a critical assessment.

“Everything go okay?”

“Yeah, it was fine. We’ll have the same last shift. Monday the 14^th.”

“Actually, my last shift is the 12^th. It’s in my resignation letter to him. My rope class starts on the 14^th, the next week is Thanksgiving week, which will be our first official with the new team.”

Eddie made a face. “I should have double checked your dates. So, I’ll have a shift without you.”

“If he can get coverage, Bobby might let you change it, but you should let him know sooner rather than later that you’d prefer to be let off that last shift if he can swing it.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Still bummed I’m going to miss your class.”

“You don’t need any help abseiling,” Buck scoffed. “You’re fine.”

“There’s always room for improvement, right?”

Buck shrugged and grinned. “Oh. Look at the message I got while you were downstairs.” Buck passed over his phone and Eddie read the text messages. Then he whistled lowly.

“Cash offer, almost ten percent above asking. Already? Dios, Buck. Are you going to accept?”

“I am. The buyer is also a client of Imani’s, so I’m pleased that she’ll get paid on both sides of the transaction. She did say we might be able to hold out for more from another buyer because there was a lot of interest in the loft. Apparently, it was non-stop traffic once she listed the open house on Saturday, but the cash offer is appealing, it’d be a short close since the inspections were recent, and I can just be done with it.”

Eddie pulled him in for a big hug. “Congratulations.”

“I guess. The buyer’s market still sucks, but we’ll see how it goes.”

“And you’ve got time. I’m in no hurry for you to go anywhere.”

Buck smiled, shy but sincere. “Thanks, Eds. I guess I’m not in any hurry to leave.”

“Good.”

Chapter Eight

Buck picked up Chris from school, saying they were going to have a fun day to themselves because Eddie was doing boring adult stuff and then had an appointment this evening.

Chris was enthused, so they started with a couple of errands for Buck. He dropped off the paperwork for Imani on the loft sale. Assuming everything went according to schedule, the sale should close in about ten days. That was intimidating as fuck, but Imani worked with a company that could accelerate the closing if certain conditions were met. The loft met those conditions, and the cash sale clinched it.

The new owners had made an offer on his dining room and bedroom set plus all the appliances. It was generous enough that Buck had agreed. He’d need to rebuy that stuff, but the dining room set in particular would be unlikely to work in another place, and he didn’t mind getting new furniture.

Christopher was excited to be part of the home sale process and had lots of questions, which Imani found charming, and she readily answered them all.

Buck’s next stop was to arrange a small pod to be delivered to the designated area the building had for such things for his next day off so he could begin to load up all his stuff. The fast close meant he needed to prioritize getting his belongings out of there.

After the pod rental and arranging to have some boxes delivered with the pod, they went to a museum and then dinner.

They went to dinner at Christopher’s favorite pizza place, which was more adult than most kids his age would prefer, but Chris had a passion for pesto and goat cheese pizza. Eddie was mystified by the whole thing, not sure where his kid got his taste buds from.

While they ate, he had Christopher help him make a list of the stuff he wanted to bring to the Diaz garage so that it didn’t get stuck in a pod in long-term storage.

And speaking of the Diaz garage. “Hey, I’ve got a longer-term organization project to clean up the garage. Want to go with me to the Container Store and we can check out storage solutions?”

“Yeah! That sounds fun. What’s the Container Store?”

“I think you’ll like it, but if you get bored, just let me know and we can find something else to do.”

As it turned out, there was a little bit of anal-retentive in Christopher Diaz because Buck was pretty sure he was going to have to pry Chris out of the store with a crowbar.

“Bucky, look! Have you ever seen a closet like that? You can see everything.” Chris was staring at one of their sample closets like it was the holy grail.

“That’s pretty slick, buddy. I think you’re catching the organizing bug. How about we start with something smaller than a whole closet, and see how you do with it?”

Chris nodded enthusiastically. “Like what?”

“Well, there’s drawer organizers, and under bed organizers. Toy storage. Office stuff for organizing your desk.”

“Oh my gosh. I need to see it all.”

“Well, I’m not sure we have time to see it all…” Buck’s phone buzzed. He read the text. “That was weird and eerie timing. Turns out your dad is running a little bit late, so we’ve got some more time than I realized. Let’s start with drawer organization. Lord knows, it’d be great to be able to find the exact pair of socks you’re looking for. Though I think we might have to come back and pick some of this up tomorrow. I’m not sure it’ll all fit in the Jeep.”

Chris cast a critical eye over the pile of stuff in their cart, plus they already had a cart of bins for the garage waiting for them at the register. “It’ll be like Jeep Tetris.”

Buck stared. “When did you learn about Tetris?”

Chris gave him an exasperated look. “It’s retro, Bucky.”

“Believe me, I know.”

“It’s cool again.”

“Right. Jeep Tetris.” Buck titled his head to the side. “I wonder if I should get a new car…?”

“You absolutely should!” Chris said with a vigorous head nod. “One with a Blu-ray player.”

Buck laughed. “I see you’ve got your priorities in order. All right, then. Let’s shop. And start making a list of what’s important in a car. If we’re going all in on this fresh start jazz, might as well get a new car.”

“Safety first, Bucky.”

“Oh, well. Never look up the safety ratings on the Jeep. You’ll get hives.”

Chris gave him the hairy eyeball.

“Hey! It’s why we usually take the truck. I’m aware of the Jeep’s limitations, and it may have served its purpose in my life anyway.”

Chris gave an indignant little sniff. “I definitely want a Blu-ray player.”

Buck ruffled his hair. “Come on, you mercenary little troll. Let’s find you some drawer organizers.”

“I’ve never even crawled under a bridge.”

Buck sighed.

~*~

Eddie found the therapist’s office intimidating for being not at all intimidating. It wasn’t like a normal doctor’s office or even any therapist’s office he’d been in, which was usually a small waiting area outside a small office.

This waiting area had a couple of heavy bags, a speed bag, a treadmill, a recumbent bike, a huge padded area in the center of the floor, some free weights, a few other pieces of equipment Eddie didn’t recognize, along with long areas of open tile flooring. It reminded him more of a small gym than a therapist’s office.

There were three doors. One labeled maintenance, one with a unisex bathroom sign, and the other door was blank. Presumably the therapist’s office.

There was a sign on the wall.

No visitors or guests who are not part of your appointment.
Do not arrive more than 10 minutes early.
Feel free to use the equipment while you wait.

There was a handwritten sign underneath: If you arrive early and I’m in the gym area with someone, please wait outside.

Outside, in this context, meant a bench under an overhang to protect people from sun or rain, so even being forced to wait outdoors wasn’t a bad gig.

Eddie was only five minutes early, but he’d already done his paperwork online, and he was incredibly restless, so he decided to hop on the treadmill since it was on offer.

It was actually two minutes after five when the door opened and two people came out—a man and a woman. Eddie went to stop the treadmill, but the man indicated he should keep going while he escorted the woman out.

He kept jogging, but he could readily admit he was already a little intimidated. Dr. Isaiah Thomas was freaking huge. He was about 6’6 and built like a tank and a brick house had a baby. He was also Black, which considering what Eddie knew of the man’s age, meant he probably served during the Vietnam war and then went to school to become a psychologist. Not an easy road for a Black man in that time period.

A couple of minutes later, Dr. Thomas appeared at the side of the treadmill with a welcoming grin. “Mr. Diaz?”

“Eddie, please.” Eddie pressed the stop button and hopped off the treadmill, offering his hand. Dr. Thomas shook it, and his hands were huge, completely engulfing Eddie’s.

“Isaiah Thomas. You can call me Isaiah, but some of my patients prefer Dr. Thomas or Dr. Isaiah. Your comfort level is more important.”

“I think you earned that degree, Doc, but I’ll call you what you’re most comfortable with.”

“How about Isaiah, then?” Dr. Thomas was wearing an open zip-up hoodie over a white muscle shirt and charcoal grey joggers. Much more casual than Eddie had ever had from a therapist.

“Isaiah,” Eddie agreed.

“Apologies for being late. I try to keep to a fifty-minute hour, but sometimes I need to give people a few more minutes. I find that everyone gets those few extra minutes at one point or another, so I like to think my patients are paying that patience forward.”

“Fair enough, and I didn’t mind waiting. I sort of inferred from Buck’s reaction to hearing I was seeing you so soon that you squeezed me in…?”

“I did, yes.” He tilted his head toward the office. “Do you want to come in and sit down?”

Eddie frowned. “I don’t suppose we could stay out here for now?”

“That’s fine. It’s why it’s here. Do you want to walk and talk or just stand?”

“Stand is fine for now. I just don’t want to go in there and sit on a couch and feel dissected.”

“That’s fine. Feeling like a bug under glass is never fun, though I like to think I keep my office warm and welcoming.” Isaiah gave him a friendly smile. “Still, you never have to go in there if you don’t want to.”

“I always feel like I screw up in there; never really know what to say.”

“Well, it’s not a test. There’s not a right or wrong answer. For now, we’re just talking.”

“For now?”

“From what you said, and the paperwork you filled out, there’s some significant trauma. I’d like you to at least consider some memory reprocessing and desensitization techniques at some point, but that’s a later discussion.”

Eddie wasn’t even sure what that meant, but he decided it was future-Eddie’s problem. “Do you mind if I ask why you squeezed me in? Three hours is a huge block of time for something last minute.”

“I occasionally take emergency patients after my last patient of the day but, no, it’s not usually a new patient intake. When Buck mentioned that he was going to give you my name, he and I discussed specifically what I was allowed to say about him to you. A therapist seeing two people who know one another is a dicey situation because I ostensibly should be pretending that I don’t even know Buck even if we both know that’s not true. That said, because you and Buck share some experiences, I know about some of your specific trauma already.”

Eddie hesitated. “The shooting.”

“Mm. I’d specifically let a few therapists know that I’d be available to any of the firefighters who were targeted by the sniper. Which is why Maria referred him to me.”

“I doubt Buck sees himself as targeted by the sniper.”

“No, but his therapist knows better, and the offer was made to her in those terms, not him.” Isaiah cocked his head to the side. “Were you aware of the timeline of events, because I pulled it from LAFD and LAPD records before I met with any patients.”

Eddie shook his head.

“Buck and all the other firefighters at the first scene were under fire, Buck in particular, for the entire time he was rescuing you. A precision shot to the command truck you had driven to the scene blew it up, hindering the attempts to evacuate the scene. Then Buck had to do his job with a bulletproof vest on for days.”

Eddie rubbed his hand over his face. “I didn’t remember anything after getting shot except this hazy memory of thinking Buck had been hurt.” He considered for a second. “Then the crane.”

“Yeah, the crane. So, yes, he and every member on scene from station 133 were targeted by that sniper. He was very aggressive about trying to have more victims that day than just you.”

“I’m glad you looked into the event ahead of time. Buck deserved to get whatever help he needed around that.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I’m not sure I said that.”

“You sort of implied it,” Isaiah said with a faint smile. “As to why I made time for you in my schedule, I looked you up, and found you’re a Silver Star recipient.”

Eddie’s brows snapped together, but Isaiah held up a hand to prevent him from saying anything.

“They don’t award the Silver Star for just getting up and going to work. There’s no way you didn’t go through something traumatic during your military service. Couple that with what I know of your situation this past spring? Yeah, I was going to make time for you. Now, I usually start with getting the basics down with a new client, however, the manner in which we go about that varies from person to person.” He tapped his chin, looking thoughtful. “I actually think tai chi for you.”

Eddie’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Excuse me?”

“Tai chi. Think of it as a sort of moving meditation, except we’ll be using it as moving conversation.”

Eddie could only stare. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yup. I promise you that once you learn the first few forms, if you hate it, we’ll try something else.”

Deciding to give in to the inanity, Eddie just threw up his hands. “Yeah, okay.”

“All right, come over here and I’m going to show you the footwork. You’ll want to take off your shoes. If this works out and you enjoy it, I can point you to the right type of footwear for your practice—something that glides and doesn’t have a lot of traction on the flooring. Now, you’re going to put your hands behind your back and just learn how to walk. Doing the walking and the arm movements at the same time makes it much harder. We get the footwork down until it’s rote, and then start adding on.”

Isaiah took Eddie to the start of the tiled area and then demonstrated the very simple footwork Eddie would need to master. “Go ahead and walk from one end of the room to the other. Once you get to the end the first time, I’ll teach you how to turn. You will misstep a few times; if you self-correct, I won’t point it out. If you miss a correction, I will stop you, okay?”

“Seems simple enough.”

“All right, get going. And while you’re walking, tell me about your son.”

Eddie felt himself smiling as he began telling Isaiah all about Christopher as he focused on the footwork taking him from one side of the room to the other. On his first pass, he messed up the direction his toes were pointing a few times, but he corrected and kept going, answering Isaiah’s questions about Chris with greater and greater ease and less thinking.

When he’d traversed the floor over and over and hadn’t made any mistakes, he realized he’d covered Chris, his relationship with Shannon, and a fair bit of his current feelings about his parents. “So, I’ve got the footwork, right?”

“Not exactly. I’ve taught it to you broken down into repeatable steps. Like: lift, angle, place. And you repeat it over and over as separate movements. Now, make it one continuous flowing movement.”

Eddie blinked down at his feet. “Oh. That’s going to take more focus.”

“Yep. It will become rote with practice. All you have to do right now is focus on making the motions flow together until there’s no pauses in your movements, no abrupt transitions. Everything blends seamlessly.”

Eddie had to really concentrate on his next pass down the floor, and he’d just completed his turn when Isaiah said, “Tell me why you joined the Army.”

He bobbled and lost his way for a few seconds, but that part of his service was easy enough, so he focused on his feet, keeping the movement smooth, and kept talking.

They went on like that, with Isaiah occasionally correcting his form, until Eddie felt like he had a good handle on the footwork, and he’d somehow discussed a huge part of his military service, leading right up to the events that earned him his Silver Star. The only other part he hadn’t brought up was reupping after Christopher was born.

Eddie felt like he’d mastered it, so he paused and gave Isaiah an expectant look. “So… What’s the arm piece in this?”

“Actually, we’re not done mastering the walk yet. You’re going more than twice as fast as you should be.”

“What? But I’m just walking. How can that be too fast?”

“Tai chi is very slow, very deliberate. Every movement is considered and purposeful. When you’re able to traverse the full length of the floor and back three times without speeding up at all, you’re ready to add the upper body component.”

Eddie scowled at the tile floor.

“Also, on the last pass, you’ll need to stop looking at your feet.”

“Ugh. All right. You’re more like a trainer than a therapist.”

“As you say.” Isaiah grinned at him. “Get going, and talk to me about something you skirted around in both your discussion of your family and your time in service. Let’s talk about your reenlistment.”

It should have only taken a few minutes to do a pass even at half speed, but slowing down threw Eddie way off, and he never got a full pass. After a half hour of absently answering Isaiah’s questions while trying to get the damn footwork right, Eddie literally stomped his foot in frustration.

Isaiah laughed. “Come on and sit down for a second.” The big man sprawled out on the padded mat, leaning back on his hands.

Eddie collapsed on the floor, facing Isaiah but mirroring his pose. “Why is that so hard?”

“The slow, deliberate aspect of tai chi is one of its more complicated elements. But you can do it.”

“And I just spilled my guts the whole time.”

“Some people need an external distraction to help them get out of their head.”

“Like Buck?”

“Normally, I couldn’t answer that, but it’s within the specific areas that Buck and I discussed and that he agreed I could reveal to you. Buck is a very gentle soul, and he needed to do something physical that wasn’t in any way aggressive in order to open up. At its core, tai chi ch’uan is a martial art, though arguably it’s telling a story. It’s often used for health benefits and meditation, but its common name is shadow boxing. Mastery takes time and dedication, but you’ll see how it ultimately cannot be confused with something like yoga.”

“And how did you learn tai chi?”

“People sometimes infer that I learned in Vietnam, but I learned when I got home as a way of managing my own stress and trauma.” He nodded his head toward Eddie. “Did it help you get out of your head, help you focus on something besides how uncomfortable you are with therapy?”

“Yeah, it did. I feel like I suck at it, which I’m not used to when it comes to physical things, but the concentration on something physical helped.”

“You progressed faster than most people, so don’t get frustrated.”

“That was fast?”

“Teaching Westerners to slow down is its own act of patience.” He studied Eddie for a few seconds. “Do you think re-enlisting was the wrong thing to do? Forget the arguments, or your guilt about not being with your son, was it the wrong thing for you to do?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. One of the reasons I never said anything to Shan is that I knew we’d fight. She knew I planned to be career Army when we married, and she was fine with it at the time. That is, until Chris was diagnosed with CP. Suddenly it became an issue. But it was his CP that meant I needed to stay in the military. TRICARE provided great coverage for Chris, getting him the help he needed at critical times.

“When I was out, I had to work so hard to keep his health insurance paid for. One whole job was nothing but paying Christopher’s health premiums. Hell, I didn’t even have insurance for myself at that time since none of my employers offered it. Staying in the military was the right choice for my son, but ultimately that decision was out of my hands. Shannon was relieved, and I was furious with her for being relieved that I was injured out and lost my career and Christopher’s healthcare.”

“Do you feel guilty about being angry with her?”

“Yeah, a lot of the time I do.”

“Do you feel your anger at her is justified?”

“Most of it, yeah. Maybe all of it.”

Isaiah considered that for a few seconds. “Is the guilt because of things that were said to you by her, about how you weren’t home, or is it the old adage that we shouldn’t speak ill of the dead?”

Eddie blew out a breath, thinking that through. “Maybe both. I was pretty fine being furious with her the whole time she was gone. Then she died, and it was like I was choking on guilt every time I got mad.”

“Then we’ll need to work on that. What you do with your emotions matters. Having inappropriate emotions…none of us can help that. Sometimes, we feel jealous when there’s no reason, angry when there’s no cause. That’s the human condition. But what do we do with those emotions? You feel guilty when you’re angry with your wife, even though you have reason to be angry.”

“So, I need to deal with the inappropriate guilt?”

“No…” Isaiah’s smile was gentle. “You need to accept that the guilt doesn’t matter, that the guilt is in the way of of what does matter: the anger. Because how can you ever deal with the anger, process it, and let it go of that reasonable emotion if it’s always shunted to the side so you can wallow in feeling guilty.”

“I don’t wallow.”

“Eddie. It’s been two and a half years of guilt overshadowing things that were real—real things which might be as much as five or six years old. That’s wallowing.”

Eddie made a face and considered that. “Okay, maybe that’s wallowing.”

“What’s under all of it that you’re so afraid of? Do you have any inkling?”

Eddie blew out a breath and admitted the ugly truth. “I ran away from my son; I wasn’t there when he needed me.”

“Mm.” Isaiah gave him a searching look. “Must be emotional running away because, physically, you were in the command of the United States Army. You went where they told you to go. So, are you wallowing in guilt because you were relieved that you didn’t have to be the one there and deal with his diagnosis?”

Eddie felt like he’d been slapped with a cold fish. “I guess. I both wanted to be there but was relieved I couldn’t be. How can it be both?”

“People feel conflicting and even contradictory emotions all the time. We need to parse your actions and look at how they might have been different if you’d been less scared of being home with Christopher. It’ll take time, but you might find that there’s not a damn thing you’d have done differently—because you’re absolutely right that Christopher deserved the best medical care you could provide him. So, if you’re punishing yourself for a thought crime, and a pretty normal one for a parent freaking out over a child with a diagnosis like CP, especially when so much is unknown in the early days, then we need to definitely work on that.”

“This is starting to sound like a list.”

“Believe me, I’m making a list.” Isaiah flashed him a toothy grin as he tapped his temple.

“That feels like a threat.” But Eddie felt calm and relaxed about the whole thing.

“We have an hour left,” Isaiah began.

Startled, Eddie looked at the clock. “It’s already been two hours?! Holy hell.”

“Time flies when you’re doing tai chi poorly.”

Edie huffed. “You said I was picking it up quickly.”

“You are. Doesn’t mean you’re doing it well.”

Eddie laughed and hopped to his feet. “Well, let’s make progress because I refuse to not do this well after all this walking back and forth.”

Isaiah smiled and readily followed him back to the walking path. “I’d like to know, from your perspective, what’s the most important thing for you to work on first.”

“I’m going to be starting a new job, working with Buck, actually.”

Isaiah cocked an eyebrow.

“Air rescue and SAR unit for LA County. It’s a great opportunity—more rescues, fewer fires. I think that’ll make Chris happy, even though firefighting is actually a small part of the job for a firefighter. Still, people tend to perceive that we run into five-alarm fires all day, every day rather than minor fires being the majority of the blazes, and fires in general making up only about fifteen percent of our calls.” Eddie ran his hands through his hair. “Sorry, I’m babbling.”

“Why are you babbling?”

“Because our new captain wanted to take me up for a test flight to see how I did being in a helicopter. Prior to now, if I had to be in a helicopter, I didn’t see it coming. It was an emergency situation, and usually a quick rescue where my skills as a medic with SAR training are what’s important. It was one and done and I could freak out later. This new job will be all day, every shift.”

“Mm.” Isaiah cocked his head to the side. “So you need to work on your trauma response to being in a helicopter if you’re going to be able to succeed at your new job?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you ready to talk to me about why you were awarded a Silver Star, or is that something you want to put off until next time?”

Eddie got into position at the beginning of the walking path, blew out a slow steady breath and focused on what his feet needed to be doing, the pace he needed to go at. “My helicopter was shot down in Afghanistan by insurgents.” He began to walk. “I was shot three times and lost a kidney as a result.” He made sure his pace stayed slow and his footwork was smooth. “I got everyone out of the helicopter, including the dead.” He stopped in the middle of the walking path and stared at Isaiah. “I try not to think about it. But life keeps reminding me, no matter how hard I try.”

“And a sniper shot you in the streets of LA and kept you pinned under fire.”

“It was like being there all over again.” Eddie stared down at his feet. “I don’t think I’m okay.”

“How could you be?”

He finally met Isaiah’s gaze. “But I want to be okay. I want to be good for my son, and for Buck…”

“That’s the key element in getting better—you need to want it.”

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“We can work through this, Eddie. There’s no cure, I’d never promise you that; there will be scars, but we can get it to where they don’t hurt all the time. But wanting to get better is not the same as wanting to be numb.”

“I want to be better.”

“Good. Now, let’s go back to the start. I’ll walk with you this time. Pace me while you tell me what you want for your life. What are your goals?”

Neither of them said anything about the tears Eddie couldn’t keep back. They just walked and talked as Eddie felt something finally crack loose.

~*~

Eddie got home over an hour late. His appointment with Isaiah had run forty minutes over, and Isaiah hadn’t tried to push it along even though it had to be intruding on his dinner hour.

He felt scrubbed raw, but he was also eager for his next appointment on Friday morning because he could feel that he was doing something that was going to help him. Finally.

Most of the lights were dim, and based on the time, he knew Chris would be in bed reading.

Buck appeared from the hallway with a half smile. “He’s waiting for you to say goodnight, and we got you some pizza, it’s being kept warm in the oven if you’re hung— oof!” Buck exclaimed as Eddie yanked him into a fierce hug. “What’s this?” But his arms curled around Eddie’s back, holding on just as tightly.

“Thank you so much. It’s going to be awful, but I need this, and specifically I needed him. I just…thank you, Buck.”

Buck gave him a hard squeeze. “Whatever makes you happy is all I want, Eddie.”

Eddie had no idea what he’d done to deserve that sort of loyalty, but he was grateful for it, nonetheless.

“What’d you do? Heavy bag?”

“Tai chi.”

Buck pulled back enough to stare at Eddie with a befuddled expression. “Um. Were you naughty?”

Eddie burst out laughing and pulled Buck back in for another hug before going to tuck his kid in.

Chapter Nine

Eddie stared at the mountain of plastic crap in his garage. There was no reason he’d have seen it when he came home after his session on Tuesday, then they had a shift on Wednesday, but now he was looking for a place to practice and the clear section of the garage had an ode to plastic in it.

“What is this?”

“Organization,” Buck said as he joined him.

“There is nothing organized about that.”

“We got home a little late on Tuesday, so we just had to dump and run. I’ll start putting it all away when I get back. Though I promised not to mess with the stuff for Christopher’s room until he could help.”

“Stuff for Christopher’s room? What are you talking about? Wait, where are you going?”

“I need to meet the guys dropping off the storage pod at my place and sign for it.” Buck had mentioned the accelerated close on the loft. He nodded toward the stuff. “What were you going to do out here?”

“I was going to practice my tai chi.”

“Eh. The space isn’t quite long enough. Come with me and practice up in the loft from the windows to the door while I’m dealing with the pod.”

Eddie wasn’t sure he wanted Buck to see him doing tai chi badly, but then he realized Buck wouldn’t mock him or say anything. Buck knew it was part of his therapy so Buck would be nothing but supportive. “Yeah, okay. Let me grab my stuff.”

~*~

Eddie was keenly aware of Buck sitting on the stairs watching him, but he didn’t let it deter him. “What?” he finally asked.

“You said Isaiah said your progress was just okay, but you look like you’re doing great to me.”

Eddie paused and looked over. “You’re familiar with tai chi?”

“Eh, I tried it a few times, but the pace is murder for me. It’s even slower than yoga, and yoga is as slow as I can stand. But there are several groups who do tai chi in various parks around here. Weekend mornings, some evenings. Though mornings are the most popular. If you find you start to like it, you won’t suffer for opportunities to practice.”

“Huh. Okay. Thanks.”

“Sure.”

Eddie gave him the hairy eyeball. “Go pack something and stop staring.”

Buck got to his feet and grinned. “But you’re so pretty, Diaz.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, grateful that with every day that passed that the Buck he was more familiar with was returning. There was less bitterness and more happiness.

Eventually, he joined Buck upstairs to help pack up Buck’s personal stuff. He found Buck sitting on his bed staring at his phone. “Everything okay?”

Buck sighed. “Text from Chim and a voicemail from Maddie. They’re not even having direct conversations, so how are they syncing up their intrusions.” He sounded flat.

“Everything okay?” Eddie asked tentatively. “What’d Chim want?”

“It’s actually fairly polite, which is a little weird. He’s asking if we can meet to talk. I already replied that I’d have to get back to him on that subject.” He shook his head, looking unnerved. “Maddie is ready for in-person visits, but only from me. Her message asked me to make time to come see her soon.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know. Mixed feelings is putting it lightly. I know she’s in a difficult place, and I want to make the best choices for her recovery, but I can’t help that I’m pretty pissed off.”

“Want to tell me about that?”

“What’s to say? I get that at some point she was making extremely irrational decisions, but even at her most irrational she wasn’t legally incompetent. And she certainly wasn’t incompetent when she made the choice to cut me out of her and Jee’s life rather than let anyone know she was struggling with depression and needing medication.” He shook his head. “Maddie has always disdained mental healthcare, and I know she gets that from our Mom, so it’d be so easy to just blame Margaret, but at what point does Maddie ever have to take responsibility for literally anything.” Buck sucked in a sharp breath. “Sorry. I shouldn’t—”

“No, you absolutely should. You have a right to however you feel, Evan. No one has as much history with Maddie as you do, and yet I realize literally all of us felt free to tell you that Chim knew her better. And even if he did, you still are allowed to have your own feelings. She can be in a difficult, nearly impossible situation and still have fucked up and contributed to it. These things are not mutually exclusive. And you can have been hurt in the crossfire. Everyone’s lack of attention to that must have compounded that hurt. I…” Eddie swallowed. “I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Eds.”

“I think I do.”

“Accepted. And now I say that you need to stop apologizing, okay? Because I forgave you and I can’t talk to you about any of this if you’re going to keep apologizing.”

“I hear you.”

“Don’t think I didn’t notice the word game there,” Buck said with a faint smile. “You didn’t actually agree.”

“I’ll try.” Eddie replied with his own smile. “Now, come on, let’s pack.” As they got started, he asked, “So you’ll see Maddie soon?”

“As soon as I can arrange it. I want to hear what she has to say before making time to talk to Chim. I’ll probably do it, though.”

Eddie scowled at the books he was piling on the bed. “I assume not in private.”

“Oh, hell no. I was thinking off that coffee shop I like.”

“The one Beverly manages with the great caramel drizzle?”

“I knew you were a sucker for that stuff even though you don’t seem to like sweets.”

“What can I say. It makes great coffee. But, yeah, that’d be okay, I guess.”

“Beverly has a good security system, and she likes me. If I tell her I need to be at a table with clear view of the security cameras, she’ll keep an eye out.”

“I don’t suppose you’d let me lurk at a back table, would you?”

Buck glared. “I’m not four.”

“Never said you were, but I’ll bet you were cute as hell when you were a kid. Still, I’d feel better if you’d at least let me lurk outside.”

Buck made a face. “I’ll think about it. Now, pack. Or we’ll never get out of here.”

As he was filling a box with the things Buck designated, he finally decided to ask the question that had been plaguing him.

“Can I ask you about your decision to leave the LAFD?”

“Of course, Eds. You can ask me anything.”

“I absolutely support you, and I think you’re making a good move for yourself, but I was just curious what the tipping point was. You’ve always been so determined to be at the 118, and I just… I’m sorry, I’m not even sure how to phrase what I’m asking.”

“Why would I leave the place I turned down five million dollars to be at?”

Eddie dropped the books he’d been packing from suddenly nerveless fingers. “Five million.”

“Yep. That was the department settlement, but I asked for my job back instead.”

“Ay Dios.” Eddie rubbed his hand over his jaw, thinking that through. “I’m not sure if that makes you really amazing or really stupid.”

Buck laughed. “Maybe a bit of both.”

“But the question stands. If you fought that hard to be at the 118, what was the final straw?”

“I was at the doctor actually, and they had some Spotify playlist of music from the 90s.” He gave Eddie a look. “I had to ask, by the way, because why would I know music from the 90s? I know I was born in the 90s, but that doesn’t mean I started listening to 90s music. Anyway… This woman was singing, beautiful raspy sort of voice, and the lyrics are only vaguely penetrating my brain. But then I registered a line that was something like ‘I’ve contained my future by holding on to the past.’”

“Oh.”

“I just sat there, utterly blank for the longest time, and I knew I was emotional, but I couldn’t quite process what was going on with me. I eventually worked it out in conversations with Dr. C. I just…” Buck sighed. “I’ve tried so hard to make the 118 work, and I felt like for all the effort I put into it, that I needed to keep trying, and trying even harder if nothing worked.”

Buck rubbed his jaw, looking like he was trying to remember something. “Dr. C had a name for that. I’m blanking on it. Something about cost.” His brow furrowed. “Oh, right! Sunk-cost fallacy. It has to do with the idea that the more someone already puts into something makes them think they should put even more to make it work, even when it’s clearly not.”

Eddie held up a finger in a wait gesture and pulled out his phone, typing in the term. He read out the results. “Sunk-cost fallacy. Noun: the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.”

“Sounds cold-blooded, right? That I would bail just because it stopped being beneficial?” Buck sounded uncertain.

“No, not at all. I can see why you’d need to break down something deeply emotional into colder terms to be able to deal with it.” He continued looking at the damning words staring back at him. “I guess the idea is that if you’ve put a lot in, you should keep putting more and more so you don’t waste your prior investment, but then you just wind up losing more in the end.”

“If whatever the investment is winds up not being viable, yeah.”

Eddie finally looked up and met Buck’s gaze. “How’d you get there? I don’t mean that critically, I’m just curious.”

Buck lifted one shoulder in what should be a shrug but actually looked insecure. “I’m not sure we ever really came back from some of the early problems.” Buck sighed. “When I’m perceived as reckless, I’m rarely given an opportunity to explain—never mind that I have more SAR certifications than anyone on shift. I have to deal with criticism and disappointment for weeks, and then it’s often brought up for months afterward.

“Every time I date someone new, there’s a comment about me returning to my old ways, as if it was ever a problem for me to have casual sex—that was only a problem in Chim’s mind and somehow Bobby and Hen and a few others became weirdly prurient, but only about my sex life. I know the hookup on the job was a fuck-up, but it was clear to me that it was never going to be let go. I mean, hell, Eddie, I was sexually assaulted by my therapist and instead of anyone acting like that was a problem, it’s discussed freely like I’m a manwhore.

“Maybe I let too much slide, that’s as much on me as anyone else, but however we got here, we’re here. It doesn’t seem to me like the team ever really moves on from anything when it comes to me. Every perceived new mistake is an opportunity to rub my face in a past mistake.”

“Buck,” Eddie whispered, feeling unaccountably sad, not to mention annoyed with himself for his obliviousness.

“Anyway, I had this thought one day that if we can never come back from that little stuff, no matter how hard I’ve tried, how do we come back from the toxic soup things have become? And that’s not just about Bobby or Hen not letting things go, that’s about my own bitterness and anger. I aware that I’m fucking furious that the way Chim treated me was brushed off. That his obnoxious outgoing messages were treated like they were nothing. That he was allowed to just come back to work as if he hadn’t stalked an emotionally damaged and vulnerable woman all over the country because of his own obsessions.

“When I made the suggestion that I leave the first time, I knew on some level that it was the only way to deal with the situation, but I didn’t really yet know how to articulate what was going on in my own head. And then Bobby had the nerve to say that he would deny my transfer and that I was forgetting that he was the captain.” Buck shook his head. “I had a lot of therapy sessions trying to unpack how I felt like Bobby hadn’t acted like my captain in a long time. Those bonds had been broken, and it was on me that I’d let the work situation continue as it was.”

“Broken when?”

“When he put his personal feelings in front of my career after the embolisms, then never really took any ownership for his fuckups. I apologized, but he never did.” Buck’s smile was bitter. “I really care about Bobby on a personal level, and I respect him, but I can’t keep working for him. Also, I know there are people on shift who still haven’t let the lawsuit go.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Oh yeah. Even Hen, who I know has forgiven me and loves me, occasionally makes a comment about my mistakes back then—as if she has the right to weigh in on the subject.” Buck gave a bitter-sounding laugh. “I asked her once to not bring it up anymore, and she said that she had a right to have feelings about it since she was a target of the depositions, and that I should have followed proper procedure and gone to the union.

“The thing is that that the only reason Bobby kept his job is because of the way things fell out. He’d have been fired for sure if they’d have had to pay out five million, but because the cost of the problem wound up being fairly low, they kept him in place, probably thinking it was some sort of fuck you to me—keep the captain who’d screwed me over in charge, or something like that.”

Eddie winced, able to see that that’s how the brass might actually have viewed the situation.

“But if the union had kicked off an investigation, considering how recent the last investigation the department had done into Bobby withholding mandatory information on his job application, he’d have been fired. Demotion would be the best-case scenario. You all would still have been forced to answer the same questions that everyone was so hostile about, except my attorney was just trying to prove my case.”

“Which means what?”

“The union and LAFD investigating a complaint aren’t going to stop just because they’ve made the point about discrimination that I was after. Every single thing the union uncovered would have been pursued.” He lifted that one shoulder again. “I can only guess that they’d have forced a mandatory psych eval for you; Bobby would likely have been fired, however, I’ll concede that demotion is possible, though I don’t think he’d have accepted it; some of Hen’s more questionable choices as a paramedic that were beyond her scope of practice would have been brought under review and likely put her in the crosshairs of risk management; Chim’s rebar incident would have been re-examined and he’d have probably been forced to undergo medical reevaluation, not to mention that they might have re-opened the investigation into the accident; Edwards fuck-up with the maintenance that caused us to break down on the way to a five-alarm would have probably been reviewed again, and people died in that fire, Eds. And then they could have turned their attention to C-shift because Edwards isn’t a lax engineer, he’d just let it slip by half a shift, not knowing that C-shift had fucked off about their assigned work.”

Buck held his hands out to his side. “Maybe some of that would have been for the better long-term, but how far would it have gone? How resentful would people have been? Like I said, the department isn’t under obligation to stop investigating just because they got the answer I was looking for.”

Eddie unhinged his jaw and snapped it shut. “I hadn’t considered that.”

“No one ever does. They just see what I’ve done wrong, and they never let it go.” Buck blew out a breath.

“Buck, not me.”

“No, I know. You’re one of the few who actually did let it go.”

“Is that why you forgave me for the dinner cluster where I admitted to telling Chim to go after your sister?”

“I forgive you, Eddie, because you’ve earned that from me. I know you well enough to know that wasn’t meant badly. I knew at the time that you were seeing Chim’s situation as being about Shannon, and I understood even if I wished you could see that the two situations weren’t truly the same. No matter how much I might have wished you’d see the reality of what was happening, I still understood, and you’re often the only person who tries to understand what’s going on with me.

“There’s no bitterness in my heart toward you.” Buck gestured between them. “But I’d started to realize that I was pushing down all these feelings related to the others all the time, and bitterness was becoming my core. I don’t want to be that guy. When I heard that line in that song, about containing my future to keep hold of the past, it was like something broke loose, and I knew I had to make a change. No one’s to blame. As much as I’m angry with certain people about certain things, I contributed as much to the problem as anyone else, but it also seemed like I was the only person bearing any consequences. And that was making it harder and harder to live with.”

“Hey.” Eddie reached out and closed both of his hands around Buck’s, which had been flailing a bit. “I get it—I can completely see how you got here and why this is the best course of action for you right now. And I support you, okay?”

Buck’s smile was a little shy. “Yeah, I know. I mean, you’re following me. Which I still can’t believe.”

“That’s pure selfishness, Buck. I enjoy my job, but with you around, I love it. That’s why I’m willing to do what I can to make this work.”

Buck’s smile this time was blinding. “Yeah. Thanks, Eds.”

~*~

“Can you hand me the stack of jeans now, Dad?” Chris was seated on the floor in font of his dresser, organizational bins and various items all around him as he figured out how he wanted to sort out his drawers. He seemed gung-ho about the idea of organizing his bedroom, and he’d promised to take Eddie to the Container Store soon.

It definitely felt like a threat.

Eddie did as instructed and handed Chris the jeans, taking direction about what to hand his kid next. It seemed like Chis was in his element while being anal-retentive and bossy. “While Buck is at the grocery store, can I talk to you about something, mijo?”

Chris froze and then turned to blink up at Eddie. “There’s a conversation we need to have without Buck around? Why?”

“It’s nothing bad, but I think it’s something you and I need to talk about before we talk to Buck about it.”

Brow furrowed, Chris turned around and faced Eddie, still seated on the floor. “Okay.”

“Well, I guess there are two things. The first is quick and simple. I’ve often had a hard time opening up to therapists about my feelings—telling them what makes me sad or angry.”

Chris frowned but nodded slowly. “I understand; it’s not easy for me too.”

Eddie couldn’t help but wonder how much of that was about him, but he decided to let that go because Chris likely wasn’t going to have much insight into that, and he wouldn’t admit it if he did. “Buck has mentioned how important mental healthcare is, but also how important it is that it be treated as a normal health problem. That was easy for me to say yes to but harder to really accept deep inside. Do you get what I mean?”

“Yeah. Like how people talk about acceptance for all people regardless of what they look like or who they love or their ability level but, deep inside, acceptance isn’t always as easy as what we say.”

Eddie blinked at the parallel his kid had drawn, but he couldn’t really refute it. People often did say the right thing, thinking they meant it, but biases lurked in their corners of their minds. Eddie tripped over biases he wasn’t even aware of on a regular basis as a part of his job forcing him to interact with such a wide variety of people. All he could ever do was confront those biases head on and try to do better.

“Something like that,” he conceded. “One of the things Buck offered to do for me was let me go to this therapy session with him to see how he interacts with his doctor. Naturally, there were some things they didn’t talk about in front of me, but it really helped me be willing to try therapy again.

“Buck also suggested that I try a different therapist, someone who specialized in the types of issues I have and who maybe has a style who works better for me.”

Chris blinked a few times. “That’s the long appointment you went to…?”

“Yep. And I like the guy so, so much. It’s hard work, but I think it’s going to be good for me. Good for us. Anyway, Buck offered to do the same for you. To let you come to a session with him. I’d go too. Maybe we’d only go for part of it and then we could leave for ice cream and come back and pick him up. The question is, would you want to do that?”

Chris’ lips pursed and he tapped his chin. “Maybe. I don’t like being treated like a baby, and therapists treat me like a little kid.”

“Well, you are a kid, and a therapist for you needs to specialize in kids.”

“But not little kids.”

“Fair.”

Head tilted to the side, Chris asked. “Not your therapy.”

“I could ask Dr. Thomas. My therapy is a little different. We talk while I do exercise.”

Chris’ nose scrunched up. “What?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s kind of different. But it made me wonder how many different approaches there might be, and what might work best for you.”

“Like what?”

“Well, there’s a therapist near Malibu who has CP who—”

“I don’t need a therapist who specializes in disabilities, Dad. I live in my body; I totally get it.”

Eddie’s brows shot up at the sharp tone, wondering if there wasn’t, in fact, something Chris needed to work on there. He’d be sure to mention it to whatever therapist Chris wound up with. “No, he doesn’t specialize in disabilities. He specializes in kids who have had traumatic experiences.”

“I haven’t had trauma.”

Eddie’s brows shot up. “That’s some epic denial, bud.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your mom left, then she came back, then she died,” Eddie said gently. “Buck’s your best friend, becomes like another parent, then he gets hurt, then the tsunami. Then I was shot…”

Chris’ eyes welled with tears, but he looked away, blinking rapidly, and it broke Eddie’s heart that his kid was getting to the point where he was fighting his emotions. “I just want everything to be okay again.”

“I do too. That may take some work, but I’m willing to do it.”

After a long time, Chris nodded. “Yeah, me too. Let’s try Bucky’s therapist first. I want to see how it’s different from the therapist who asked me to play with puppets.” Chris scowled. “I hate puppets. They’re creepy.”

“Fair.” Eddie tousled his hair.

“The one that’s maybe for me… Isn’t Malibu kind of far?”

“A bit, so if you needed to go more than once a week, we’d have to do video sessions for the extra. I’d prefer to take you to the first few—or Buck can take you—but Carla has said she doesn’t mind the drive; it’d give you two a road adventure.”

After a beat, Chris nodded. “And you say that was the easy discussion? Really!?”

Eddie shrugged, not really 100 percent sure how any of this would be received. “There are some things I did a while ago that I never discussed with you. I told Buck about it back in the spring, but I should have told you both long before that.”

“What is it? Is it something bad?”

“Not really bad, exactly, but it’s not an easy discussion.” He steeled himself. “I know that firefighting can seem like a dangerous job—”

“It is,” Chris interjected with a pointed look to Eddie’s shoulder.

“Hey, buddy, we’ve talked about that. Me being shot had nothing to do with being a firefighter.”

“But you were shot in the Army, was that not about the Army?” Chris’ expression was skeptical.

“No, that definitely was. I was stationed at a forward operating base, which means it’s close to combat, and there are often injuries in combat—that’s just a fact. I was a medic, which should have reduced the likelihood of injury, but it was still definitely a risk of my job in the Army.”

“Then I’m glad you’re not in the Army.” Chris was firm and almost hard in how he said that.

“But the shooting in the spring… Being shot is not a risk of being a firefighter.”

“But he shot you because you’re a firefighter.”

“I know you’re capable of making the distinction here, mijo. The criminal was looking for people wearing my uniform, that doesn’t mean it’s a risk of firefighting itself. Just like if someone shot a woman because she had black hair, it doesn’t mean that being shot is a risk of having black hair.”

Chris stared at his lap, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I guess.”

“I know it’s hard, and we don’t really talk about it. I’m sorry for that. I guess I figured if you wanted to say something, you would. And I was never eager to talk about it myself, which was a red flag, now that I think about it.”

Chris’ nose scrunched up. “What’d you want to tell me?”

Eddie sighed internally. “I made a change to my will long before the shooting, but I hadn’t told anyone about it. That change was to give custody of you to Buck if anything should ever happen to me.”

Chris head shot up, eyes wide. “You did?”

“Yep. He’s effectively your godfather. Custody of you would go to Buck even if I just couldn’t take care of you for some reason.”

“Not Grandma and Abuelo?”

“No. They’re not even on the list of backup guardians.”

Chris’ chin trembled, and he looked down again. “That’s good.”

“Were you worried about that, buddy?”

Chris just nodded.

Eddie went to his knees in front of his son and nudged his chin up. “I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you before and that you had to worry about it for even a minute. I’m always going to do my very best to come home to you, but if I can’t be here for some reason, I figured you’d want to be with Buck.”

Chris nodded fervently.

“That said, I was thinking we might want to do something a little more overt to make sure your grandparents can’t interfere in those arrangements.”

“Like what?”

“It would involve seeing my lawyer and basically working with a custody evaluator. They’d want to talk to you without me around to get an understanding of what your time with your grandparents is like and why you might object to being with them, not just for custody, but maybe even for visits. It would be difficult because you’d have to be completely honest with them, and that might be hard.”

Chris’ eyes were huge in his face.

“And maybe you’d have to say some things you think I wouldn’t want to hear, things you worry might hurt my feelings. But it’s so important if we both want to feel safe and secure about these legal arrangements for your future that you be completely honest if we do this. Even if you think it might hurt my feelings.” Eddie hesitated. “Is that something you worry about?”

After a long pause, Chris nodded.

“Can you tell me honestly, bud, do you even want to talk to your grandparents?”

There was a longer pause and then Chris shook his head.

“Can you tell me why?”

“They make me feel bad about myself,” he whispered. “And you.”

“Oh, Chris. I am so sorry, mijo. So damn sorry. I messed up.”

“You want me to talk to them, Dad.”

“No, bud. I thought you wanted to talk to them.”

Chris’ eyes filled with tears again and, this time, they spilled over.

Eddie pulled Chris into his arms. “Do you want to do this? Should we talk to my attorney and try to fix this so you don’t have to see or talk to them anymore?”

Chris nodded, his chin bumping Eddie’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time before Chris finally said, “I wish Buck could be my second dad.”

“That’s in your heart, right? Because I know it’s in his. That’s what matters.”

“Yeah, but I mean for real. Legally. Like no one can say otherwise.”

Eddie pressed a kiss to Christopher’s hair. “I’ll talk to the lawyer, but I don’t think that’s easy to do unless Buck and I were married.”

Chris sighed, boneless against Eddie’s chest. “If you were sensible, Dad, you’d marry Buck and then he could adopt me.”

Eddie smiled at the way it was phrased. “I wish it was that easy, buddy.”

“I know. Adults make everything so complicated.”

Eddie frowned, wondering how Christopher went to Eddie making it complicated rather than Buck and Eddie weren’t a couple. He decided to let that one go. “I’ll see if we can get in to see my attorney soon, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s promise to try to do a better job of talking to each other.”

Without lifting his head from Eddie’s shoulder, Chris held up one hand, pinky extended.

Smiling, Eddie adjusted his grip on his son and curled his pinky around Christopher’s, sealing their promise.

Chapter Ten

Eddie woke to the smell of something breakfast cooking, not to mention coffee. Whatever the meat was, it wasn’t bacon, but it still smelled amazing. The scents were enough to drag him out of bed a good half hour before he normally woke.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, he found Buck in the kitchen humming along to his bone conduction headphones while wiggling his hips and shoulders in front of the stove. He was wearing low riding cotton pants and a muscle shirt.

Eddie grinned at the sight, then it hit him how homey this felt and how very welcome. He hadn’t had anything this comfortable at home in a long time.

Buck caught sight of him and turned around. “Morning.”

“Hey.” Eddie cleared his throat, feeling something he wasn’t sure how to identify.

“Coffee is ready, and breakfast is about ten minutes from done. I’ll let you wake up our cupcake.”

Eddie grinned. “What are we having?”

“For you and me, I got this chicken and roasted red pepper sausage at the farmer’s market. I wasn’t sure how Christopher would take to that, but I know he likes the chicken apple, so I threw in a couple of those. Pancakes are keeping warm in the oven.” He side-eyed Eddie. “Don’t give me that look. They’re whole wheat blueberry with a ton of wheat germ on top and served with fresh blueberries as well. The only way I can make them healthier is if one of us manages to control his syrup use.”

Eddie scoffed. “You’re seeing Maddie today, right?”

“Yep. Dr. Halsey wanted to do it soon, so she squeezed in the appointment. Not sure what Halsey’s agenda is, but I’d guess that Maddie’s getting closer to release and Halsey wants to start bringing more real-world intrusion into the mix.”

“You okay?”

Buck shrugged. “I guess I’ll find out.”

“I’ve got Dr. Thomas this afternoon, but I wasn’t sure where my head’s going to be afterward. You good to pick up Chris from school? I thought I might run errands after my appointment and take the time to get my head in the right place.”

“Yeah, of course, Eds. Anything.”

“You feeling okay?”

“A little stiff, but we’ve had harder afternoons on the job than we did moving some of my stuff. And we only need another couple hours out there to clear everything out.”

“Fair point.” Eddie was a little stiff himself, but he knew it was mild enough that just moving around would have him feeling normal.

Buck made a shooing motion. “Go get prince charming.”

“He is never charming when he has to get up before he wants to. And don’t think I don’t see what’s going on here. You’re keeping yourself busy at the stove so that I have to deal with the terrible chore.”

Buck just grinned as he continued working on breakfast.

Eddie found Chris already half dressed, and his eyebrows tried to escape his forehead. “Morning, mijo. You’re up early.”

“Morning, Dad! I smell pancakes!”

Eddie huffed. His kid’s love of pancakes was boundless.

Chris grinned up at him. “Don’t be jealous, Dad. If you tell Bucky that you really want Mickey Mouse shaped chocolate chip ones, I know he’ll make them for you.”

“I do not. You little troll.”

Chris laughed and headed for the bathroom.

“You’ve got five minutes and then I’m eating your pancakes!” Eddie called after him.

“Bucky will keep my hoard safe,” Chris called back through the closed door.

With a soft smile, Eddie let his hand rest on the bathroom door. Chris had been so uptight recently, but he’d been better since Buck moved in. Maybe, if it was something Buck wanted, they could make living together permanent.

He went back to the kitchen and found Buck putting Eddie’s actual favorite pancakes, lemon ricotta, on a plate. He blinked down at the still-steaming food. “You made two types of pancakes?”

Buck just smiled at him and nudged him into his chair.

Eddie took a deep breath. Maybe this was really good for him too.

~*~

Buck waited patiently outside the office he’d been directed to. It was in the psychiatric wing of the hospital but not in the locked ward, which made sense that the clinicians wouldn’t have their offices in the secured unit. He’d been advised ahead of time that his time with Maddie would be supervised by her therapist for this first visit.

The door opened and an older woman with greying hair that looked a lot like a helmet came out. “Mr. Buckley? I’m Dr. Halsey. Please come in. Please have a seat in either chair or the sofa, whichever you’re more comfortable with.”

He chose a chair, noting how the room felt stiff and uncomfortable to him. In fact, the doctor already felt stiff and unyielding. Everything he hated about therapy. But from everything he’d heard, Maddie had responded well to Halsey, so maybe unyielding was what Maddie needed.

“Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Buckley.”

He just nodded his head. Normally, he’d offer to have her call him Buck, but he wasn’t even sure she would, and he also wasn’t sure he wanted her to.

“Maddie will be joining us shortly, but I wanted to have a brief discussion with you privately first. Within the bounds of what Maddie has given consent for, of course.”

“Of course.”

“First, thank you for sharing the news of the battery perpetrated by her romantic partner with me first and giving us the opportunity to introduce that into the situation in a way that was the safest for Maddie.”

He settled again for a nod, not sure what she wanted from him. He wanted Maddie well, but he could only go so far anymore.

“We’re close to Maddie being discharged from full-time hospitalization. I’d estimate in two weeks.”

“Okay.”

“At that time, she’ll be in a partial hospitalization program—often referred to as PHP. Six days a week, she’ll be at the hospital from eight to five. On Sundays, she’ll still have online support groups to attend.”

“So, there’s commitment to the program every day?”

“Yes. We monitor her symptoms and medication very carefully. In cases like Maddie’s, I’d expect PHP to last six to eight weeks. It’s a long time, but her mind and hormones have betrayed her, and we want to ensure she’s acclimating. Questions about PHP?”

“If she’s not doing well, then what?”

“She’ll likely be readmitted immediately. Sometimes, if we think a medication adjustment is minor and will yield results quickly, we’ll watch closely and delay readmittance, but considering Maddie was suicidal when she entered the program, any relapse in her state could be very damaging.”

“Understood. And the program is doing those evaluations? Because as I said in our first phone call, Maddie spent months engineering her life to hide her condition.”

“I understand, and the team is well aware that she’ll likely try to hide if things aren’t going well. We’ve identified two likely red flags in your sister’s case: noncompliance with program attendance, and an affectation of wellness. If she’s missing visits or suddenly telling us that everything is going wonderfully, then we’re going to be on alert.”

“All right. And what about after PHP?”

“There’s a step-down program. The first phase of step-down is four days a week at the hospital for half days only, but still engagement with daily support group. Then we step down further to two half days with daily support group. Then twice weekly sessions with her private therapist and daily support group.”

It seemed like a lot to Buck, but he knew this was an intensive program that was quite expensive, and Maddie’s insurance only covered a portion. He was very glad Maddie had set aside her settlement from Doug’s estate and that it was taking care of her now.

“That all sounds good. I’m glad she’s getting the help she needs.”

Halsey nodded. “All that said, she’s not ready to resume parenting her daughter, so she will not be moving back into the residence with her romantic partner. Will she be able to stay with you?”

Buck shook his head. “I haven’t discussed my life much with Maddie during our calls, and she hasn’t asked, but I’m changing jobs and moving. My loft has already sold and I’m staying in the guest bedroom of a friend.”

“I see.” She made a note on the tablet on her side table. “And would you be willing to temporarily cohabitate with your sister?”

“I’m not sure that’s a viable option, particularly if she’s planning to resume her relationship with Mr. Han.”

Halsey’s mouth tightened briefly. “Yes, I can understand why that would be a concern. I believe she plans to discuss that with you today.”

“I already guessed which direction that’s going, but I’m not asking you to go beyond what you’re allowed to speak on. That said, I’m allowed some boundaries here. I want to help Maddie, but I won’t live with her, and I won’t be around her boyfriend. If she needs me to help find her an apartment, I will.”

“Understood. We’ll see how that situation evolves in the next few days. And, yes, of course you are allowed your own boundaries. In any case, as for the daughter—we’ll begin supervised visits here at the hospital next week. After that, during PHP, she’ll have supervised evenings with her daughter until she’s ready to be left alone with her. That’s at Maddie’s request. Do you have a recommendation for who could supervise those visits?”

Buck’s heart clenched because he wanted it to be him, but he didn’t want to get sucked into the situation and get to know Jee just to have her ripped away when Chim was back to using her as leverage. “Not me, for reasons you probably know. My recommendation would be the Lees if she’s okay with someone close to Chimney. Karen Wilson would be another good choice. She’s the wife of Chim’s best friend, but she’s also a foster parent, and I think she’d pay attention to any warning signs.”

“What about Henrietta Wilson?”

Buck shrugged. “She has the same foster parent credentials as Karen.”

“And your hesitation?”

“I don’t trust her quite yet to report to you if she sees a worrying sign in Maddie if it goes against what Chimney wants. She says she’s going to do better about not enabling Chimney’s bad behaviors, but I haven’t had time to see evidence of that yet, so I can only say time will tell. The rational part of me says if she’d known how bad off Maddie was that she’d have done the right thing, but I also know she was more than willing to join Chim in that ill-advised road trip with Jee-Yun strapped in the carseat for hours and hours a day.” Buck shook his head. “I know she sees some of the mistakes that have been made, but my confidence is low right now.”

“Well, I appreciate your candor. Of course, the goal is to bring Maddie back to being a full-time parent to Jee-Yun, so we’ll be increasing time with her daughter as it’s tolerated.” She glanced at her phone. “They’re about to bring Maddie in. Do you have any last questions for me?”

“Has she mentioned if she plans to continue with me as her medical power of attorney after she’s discharged?”

“She would prefer to, yes, and I realize there are things about this situation that make such a request complicated for you.”

“Did she say why?”

“She said no matter how much she loved a romantic partner, that she’d never let a man in that position in her life have legal authority over her ever again. You’re the only person she trusts for that.”

Buck stared down at his hands. It made policing his boundaries more difficult, especially if she needed to be re-hospitalized at some point, but Maddie was one of the few people in his life he’d do a little extra therapy for and work extra hard on his boundaries. He could carve off a piece of himself so she felt safe.

He settled once again for replying with a simple nod.

“All right, they’ll be here any second. I’d like to encourage you to be honest—not harsh, mind you—in what you say today. While she’s still here in our care is the best time to sort out the fallout of difficult conversations. All right?”

“I can try.”

“Good. You have my number, so please feel free to call me if you have questions or concerns.”

“I will.” He got to his feet.

Then the door opened, and Maddie was walking in front of an orderly. Her hair was shorter, but she looked happy. She was wearing aqua sweatpants and an acid coral t-long-sleeve shirt.

Then Maddie was in his arms, hugging him tightly, and he returned the embrace.

“Colorful outfit,” he murmured against her hair.

“Right? This color coral is awful on me, but I think it’s pretty, and I’d never wear it where a stray cell phone camera might catch me. But it made me happy today.”

“Reminds me of…”

“That awful border in the dining room back in Hershey.”

“Yeah.” He smiled down at her.

They took the two armchairs and chatted for a few minutes, and Buck was keenly aware of Halsey paying attention to everything they said.

After a beat of silence, Maddie fiddled with cuff of her t-shirt. “I’ve been talking to Chim again.”

“How’s that been going?”

“Weird, I guess. We know each other so well, but I haven’t wanted to talk for so long, and there are all these…barriers now.”

Buck just made an encouraging noise.

“I want you to know I had a serious conversation with him about him hitting you.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious, Evan—”

“Buck,” he corrected firmly but not harshly.

“Right. Buck. Sorry, I know you asked that I stop.” She cleared her throat and glanced at Halsey for a second. “I really did talk to him.”

“I believe you, Maddie.”

“I’m serious; I told him—”

“I don’t need or even want to hear what you talked about.”

“Oh.” She seemed to deflate a little. “Dr. Halsey warned me that you’d probably just want to know what I planned to…?”

“Not just, but I’m not interested in hearing a blow-by-blow of your conversations with Chim.”

She blew out a breath. “I think our road is going to be a long one, but I believe it’s in our best interest to try to work it out, you know?”

Buck felt his stomach flip. He’d known it was coming, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

At his continued silence, she added. “He and I have a child together.”

“I’m aware,” Buck said dryly.

She glanced away. “I just think I owe it to Jee to figure out this thing with Chimney.”

“Right.”

“You’re mad.”

“I’m honestly not anything, Maddie. It’s exactly what I expected.”

She went pale, looking like he’d slapped her. “You expected me to stay—” She swallowed heavily. “He said you’d resigned from the 118. That true?”

“It is, but it’s interesting that he knows that considering that he wasn’t there for my resignation, and I haven’t seen him since.”

Maddie made a dismissive gesture. “You know how people talk.”

“Right. People.” Hen.

“So it’s true? You’re leaving?”

“It’s true.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“It’s fairly recent, and the boundaries around your treatment were made very clear to me. There wasn’t any reason to bring your therapy team into my personal life when we could just discuss it some other time.”

She bit her lip. “Chim also said he’s been offered a position at the 246.”

“I wouldn’t know where Chim is going to be working.”

“He says it’s not a great career move for him.”

“Not really, no. The 118 is a Task Force, while the 246 is an engine company with a single ambulance. The only way it could be smaller is if they didn’t have an ambulance. He’s lucky he kept his job, to be honest, so I figured you’d both be grateful.”

“Buck…” She licked her lower lip, obviously nervous. “Isn’t there something you can do to help him out? This isn’t good for him or us, and we have a daughter to support.”

Buck’s eyebrows shot up. “You want me, the guy whose face he broke and who also happens to be transferring to get away from the toxic environment Chim helped create, to help him—somehow—escape the consequences of his own professional misconduct? Seriously, Maddie?”

She looked taken aback. “It’s just…”

“No, I get it. You want me to magically wave a wand and make it such that the rest of the 118, who are soon to be my ex-coworkers, are willing to work with him again. You want me, the guy who he attacked, to advocate for him. Absolutely not. I did your family all the favors I plan to do on the Chimney Han front when I didn’t have him arrested for felony assault and battery.”

Her eyes were huge in her face as she stared at him. “Buck. That’s— I mean—”

“You don’t get to do this, Maddie. You want to be with the man, fine. You want me to pretend that I’m totally okay with you choosing his side over mine? For you, I can even put up that front. But I will not put my self-respect in a blender so that you two can live in denial about the guy you’re shacked up with.” He had to stop and take a deep breath, forcing himself to be calm.

“That was…cruel.”

“It was real. Chim is getting off light, and instead of the two of you being happy about that, you both just want to bitch and somehow expect me to make it better for him.”

“That’s not—” She stopped and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight. I was just rattled that he was so upset about the change in his work circumstances.” Her smile felt forced. “Anyway, I should be out of here in a couple of weeks, and I was hoping I could stay with you for a while. We can get some Jee time in when I have my visits—”

“No.”

She looked startled.

“As I explained to Dr. Halsey, I sold my loft recently. I’m moving closer to my new job, though I haven’t found a new place yet. In the interim, I’m bunking with Eddie until I find something else, so I have no sofa or air bed to offer.”

“Oh.” She cleared her throat. “I guess it must be nice. You’ve always seemed like you wanted to play house with Eddie.”

He felt something slam down in his mind, putting up a wall between them.

It was something she must have seen because she looked instantly contrite. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you? Because you tend to say shitty, passive-aggressive things to me when you don’t get your way.”

“That’s not fair. I was just expecting to be able to lean on you when I got out, and I said something I shouldn’t have. I have other options, and I know that. It’s just great when we can lean on each other.”

He was unmoved by her blatant manipulations.

She gave him a strained smile. “How’s Jee?”

“How would I know? I told you last time we talked that Chim doesn’t let me see her—you know that—so why would ask me that question?”

“Oh, well, I told him he was supposed to stop that. I’m sure we can work something out where you can get to spend more time with Jee. Wait. Where are you going?”

Buck was on his feet and glanced at Dr. Halsey. “I think I’m done. Please contact me if you need me for anything.”

“Evan— Buck. Wait! Where are going? I didn’t mean anything—”

“I’m pretty sure you meant it exactly as manipulatively as it sounded. You asked me for two very hard things in a row, things that would be difficult if not impossible for me to grant you, and then, next thing you know, you’re willing to work out the visit issue with Jee that you’ve known about for months. That you yourself contributed to.”

“That’s really not fair. I had postpartum depression.”

“You really have to stop saying ‘postpartum depression’ in the same tone someone might say ‘multiple personality disorder.’”

Dr. Halsey coughed and covered her mouth with her hand.

“I do not doubt for a second that you struggled. I don’t doubt that you were depressed. But during the point at which you cut me out of your life and Jee’s life, you were not mentally incompetent. Because if you want to play that card, Maddie, we should get some conservatorship papers drawn up because you’ve had ongoing issues with intermittent depression your whole adult life, so we should just remove your ability to make decisions for yourself now.”

Her eyes were filled with tears and her chin wobbled.

“Even now, we both know that you could walk out of this facility anytime you wanted. Dr. Halsey and you have discussed the period right before and after you left. We also talked about the period where you were suicidal but, other than that one specific timeframe, at no point have you been unable to make choices. I don’t doubt that you needed help—medication, therapy, a hand to hold—but you are not and were not incompetent.

“So, let’s not pretend that you weren’t onboard with me not getting to know my niece. Let’s not pretend that you couldn’t have fixed that situation whenever you wanted. And let’s definitely not pretend that it’s not transparent as glass that you’re offering to do it now when you want something from me.

“The answer is no. Hard no. I want you to get better, and I take my responsibility as your medical proxy seriously, but I’m not going to let you and Chim carve pieces off, using Jee as fucking leverage, so you can both feel better.”

Her tears were spilling down her cheeks, and it was hard for him not to react. “Buck… I just want my life back.”

“Then deal with your own choices, Maddie, and stop focusing on mine. But no matter what you do, you don’t get to act like my life had to grind to halt when you refused to see me because you were so busy hiding your depression.”

She glanced away, swiping at the tears. “You’d have never let it go.”

“Damn right. Jee deserves better than for you to be modeling Margaret Buckley from the jump.”

Maddie again looked like Buck had slapped her.

Buck looked to Dr. Halsey. “And, with that, I’m pretty sure I crossed a line, but I’m pretty pissed, and any apology wouldn’t be sincere right now.” She just gave him a faint smile and dip her head in acknowledgment. Buck looked back to Maddie, who looked shell-shocked and pale. “I love you, Sis, but I can’t be your convenience or your afterthought while you’re waiting to fix your real family.”

“You are my real family,” she whispered.

His jaw clenched and he stepped around her and left the office.

~*~

There was a note on the entryway table, right where he usually dropped his keys.

—
Buck,

Didn’t want to text and risk disturbing you. My attorney had an opening for today to talk about a custody evaluator. After my therapy appointment, I’m going to get Chris from school an hour early and take him with me to the lawyer. Maybe we can all go out to dinner and shake off what’s probably going to be an intense day?

Hope it went well with Maddie. Don’t brood. If you’re feeling broody anyway, go see Abuela.

-Eddie
—

Buck smiled at the note, thumb tracing the hastily written letters. Eddie was so low tech that he actually left Buck notes on the regular. Buck had kept most of them, finding the habit incredibly endearing.

He blew out a breath and decided to go for run to help clear his head. He didn’t want his bad mood to ever affect Chris and Eddie, and he knew he wasn’t in a great frame of mind.

A large part of him wanted to give Maddie an entire pass on everything because she wasn’t well, but she also wasn’t incompetent. She’d made shitty choices that had negatively affected him, and it had taken him a long time to acknowledge that it was a problem.

He let the physical exertion help clear the cobwebs from his brain. He knew he’d need to talk this out with Dr. Copeland because he’d learned that with emotional things, having them rattle around in his head was not optimal. He tended to magnify or minimize the situation until it was so distorted he didn’t know what was actually going on.

Just saying the problem out loud often gave him a lot of clarity. But one thing he’d been clear on before he stepped foot in that office was that he wasn’t going to let Maddie or Chim use Jee as a bargaining chip. The moment it started to feel like that, he knew he’d needed to leave. He wasn’t good at his boundaries with Maddie yet; he’d only had to do it via phone so far, which was so much easier than when her eyes were full of tears and she seemed vulnerable.

He had to remind himself that Maddie was imminently competent. She’d pushed against and even resented any attempts he’d ever made to take care of her. She didn’t need that from him; she might need his support at times, and it was up to him to learn how to draw the line between the two.

Regardless, he wasn’t going to let her manipulate his deep longing to get to know his niece—even if that manipulation was likely being done unconsciously. He hoped someday everyone was in a good enough place that he could get to know Jee without feeling like there was a risk of it being snatched away for every imagined offense. But he couldn’t sacrifice the progress he was making to cling to something that may never happen.

That was one thing Dr. Copeland had been trying so hard to get through to him: he spent so much time orbiting other people that he had no center of his own. He didn’t need them to come to him or make everything be on his terms, but he did need to consider himself first, which is something he didn’t often do as he tried so desperately to make the people around him happy.

He slowed his pace and took in the park that he often took Chris to. It was weird how life worked. It felt like there was so much destruction in his life as he changed everything, and yet everything with Chris and Eddie was better, and he felt more grounded than he had in a long time.

He watched the kids laugh and play for a few moments, then turned around and headed for home.

---