Reading Time: 101 Minutes

Title: Rest of Yesterday
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1, San Andreas
Genre: Contemporary, Drama, Family, First Time, Slash, mild BDSM.
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/Eddie Diaz, canon pairings
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Canon-level angst and situations, kink, under-negotiated kink, erotic asphyxiation, character bashing, not Chimney friendly
Author Note: See master post for expansion on warnings, world, setting, timeline, etc.
Word Count: 78,625
Summary: Everything has been different since Chimney came back from looking for Maddie. Buck has been quiet. Watchful. Eddie is surprised at how it all eventually blows up. Buck thinks Eddie is right that he’s a fixer, but he realizes that sometimes you have to let everything fall apart to see what can be truly salvaged, and then focus on fixing yourself.
Artist: Greeneyesblue

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Chapter One

November 2022

Eddie had been tense the whole shift because something felt off. To be fair, there had been a growing sense of off ever since Chimney had returned to work two weeks ago. It almost felt like they were all just waiting for things to combust.

This was their fifth shift together as their usual team since Chim’s return. They had another fourteen hours to go before they’d have four days off, and then maybe everyone could finally decompress. Eddie planned to corner Buck during their time off and figure out exactly what was going on because his friend was not acting like normal.

Things were tense between Buck and Chimney, but not in an obvious way. Chim didn’t speak directly to Buck unless they were on a call, and Buck didn’t speak in Chimney’s presence at all—unless required by the job. In fact, Buck barely spoke anymore unless it was about work. That was probably the major sense of wrongness about the station: Buck’s quietness. The lack of laughter and random facts was starting to weigh on everyone.

Buck had been quieter than usual ever since Maddie had left, but not like he’d been since Chim returned.

The old timers on the 118 A-shift kept shooting Eddie and Hen borderline accusatory looks for some reason, as if they could solve the problems between Chim and Buck. Alyssa Calley, the lieutenant in charge of the triple engine, was particularly free with the disapproving looks.

The other issue was that they had more new people than usual on their shift. Ravi had been the probie from B-shift but had transferred to A-shift, but the probie who had been lined up for A-shift had also started three weeks ago. One of the two would need to rotate back to B-shift, but Bobby was taking his time on figuring out which one since A-shift was short staffed.

While Chim was out on his cross-country search, A-shift had been down several people, so the other shift captains had allowed Bobby to keep both probies until things leveled out. Still, one would need to transfer back to B-shift soon.

There had also been two injuries on A-shift shift three weeks ago during a five-alarm fire; both injured firefighters usually rode on the triple engine under Calley, and they’d be out for at least a month. Then someone else on A-shift went out on maternity leave a month early. Bobby had brought in two floaters, and with the extra probie, they were right at their usual staffing levels once Chim returned. Despite having the right number of bodies in the station, two probies and two people not used to the 118 made it feel like they were chronically short staffed.

So far, Bobby hadn’t broken up the team riding in the ladder truck, but Eddie privately thought it was a little unfair to saddle Calley with all the new people. However, when they weren’t on a call, Buck had been assigned to help train the newbies, especially the probies. As a result, since Chim got back, Buck had only been working with Eddie when they were on a call. Even when they were on a callout lately, Bobby was likely to split them up in the field, taking turns having different team members working with Ravi. Prior to Chim’s return, Eddie had to ride in the bus with Hen.

While he understood all the staffing decisions, Eddie missed his partner like a missing limb.

He winced a bit internally, thinking he should probably have expressed that to Buck at some point. Eddie had been in his own head lately about a lot of stuff, and he’d been a little hesitant to step into the middle of the Buckley family drama. It was always a minefield that Eddie had a hard time navigating on a good day, and Buck was more likely to close down about his family than any other subject. Plus, Eddie was so used to having Buck on the job that he wasn’t used to just feeling like he was without his best friend.

Bobby called out from the loft, announcing that dinner was ready, pulling Eddie’s attention away from his persistent worry about the situation with Buck. Eddie hoped they managed to avoid a callout because he was hungry. It had been a pretty tame shift so far, and he needed the trend to continue so he could get some damn food.

By the time he got upstairs, only Buck and one of the new guys, Darian Anders, were missing.

When everyone was seated, Bobby looked around. “Where’s Buck?”

“Probably goofing off,” Chim said dryly.

From the other table, Chim got several annoyed looks that both Bobby and Chim seemed to miss, but Hen didn’t. She exchanged a look with Eddie, expression filled with something Eddie couldn’t quite place. Eddie felt a growing sentence of dread, though he wasn’t sure what the source was.

“Actually,” Calley said more with bite in her tone than she ever directed at her captain, “Buck was showing Darian the maintenance procedures for the triple. They’ll be right up.”

Chim chuckled. “Buck is a menace with a clipboard in his hands.” Chim completely missed how pissed off Calley looked at the caustic remark. Eddie felt like something had happened that he hadn’t seen, and he hated not knowing something major that might be going on with Buck—or even just peripheral to Buck.

Buck and Anders finally arrived, with Buck slipping into the only seat open at their usual table, which was next to Bobby, and Anders took a seat next to Calley at the other table. Eddie wasn’t even sure when he and Buck had stopped sitting side-by-side. Where had his head been lately?

Buck ignored another barbed comment Chim made about clipboards, though the remark earned laughs from both probies, Ravi and Sam Miller—the guy who’d originally been slated for A-shift.

Actually, when Eddie looked closely, the clipboard remark infuriated Buck. Eddie knew Buck well enough to see the signs, but he wasn’t sure why that made him so mad when it was a long-running joke amongst their shift.

“So, Buck,” Bobby said with an air of casualness. “You’d been doing great with the new people then suddenly there’s tension between you. Something you want to tell me?”

Buck looked up from his meal, blinking at Bobby. “No problem on my end, Cap.”

“Then what’s the issue?”

“Well, Chim’s back,” Buck said with with a shrug.

Chim fork clattered to his plate. “Wait. Are you really trying to say your problem getting along with people is my fault? Was it my fault you and Eddie butted heads at first too?” He gave a laugh, looking around at the rest of the table, and Eddie noted that they now had everyone’s attention—from both tables.

Buck carefully set his fork down and squared his shoulders, the line of his jaw tense.

Eddie felt the food settle like lead in his gut.

Buck looked at Bobby and not at Chim. “Things were fine until the second-in-command of our shift came back and started telling people that I was a screw up, not to listen to anything I said, and that anything I said with a clipboard in my hands was probably wrong. So the tension, as you put it, is because the floaters from the 147 and our probies have lost all respect for me. Figuring out what’s going on around here is not rocket science.”

The silence was so loud it made Eddie want to cover his ears.

Bobby stared wide-eyed, but it was Chimney who broke the silence. “That was a joke!”

“Did they know that?” Buck asked softly. “Because it helps if everyone is in on a joke, and jokes that undermine authority aren’t funny anyway.”

“It was a joke,” Chim said, voice like ice, hands clenched on the table.

“We should talk about this in my office,” Bobby said, seeming to snap out of his stupor.

“Why?” Buck asked, sounding honestly curious. “I mean, you’re willing to confront me over the dinner table in front of everyone because you think I’m a screw up, but you’re not willing to finish the conversation when you realize the source of the issue isn’t me?” Buck gave a bitter sounding laugh. “Yeah, okay. Duly noted.”

“I think you’re forgetting again who the captain is, Buckley,” Bobby said, voice soft and firm.

Eddie winced at the tactical error.

“Actually, I think you forgot who the captain is,” Buck snapped.

Before Bobby could say anything, Keane, the other floater from the 147, who was a respected veteran with the LAFD, got to his feet. “I had no idea the warnings about Buckley were a joke. I’ve been a firefighter with the LAFD for over twenty years, and I’ve never experienced a joke like that.” He stepped up to Buck and held out a hand. “Sorry, Buckley. That’s on me for taking his word for it.”

“No hard feelings on my end, Liam.”

“Well, there should be. I’ve been an ass to you, so I’ll just own it and take any consequences coming my way. Now, I’m going to take this pasta up to the roof and hope we don’t get a call. Thanks for being a good guy about my mistakes.”

Anders also got to his feet with his food. “Calley set me straight almost right away—told me to listen to Buckley, that he knows what he’s talking about. But I never realized it was a joke either. I don’t have everyone else’s experience, Captain, but the environment here the last couple of weeks has sucked, and it’s not on Buckley. Pretty shitty, in my opinion, that you’re trying to blame him for it.”

“Now, wait a minute,” Chim began, but Anders shot him a scathing look that Eddie was surprised he’d even managed to produce considering how pleasant Anders always was, then he followed Keane up to the roof.

Calley’s whole squad followed suit, leaving just Bobby, Hen, Chim, Buck, Eddie, DeKay, and both probies at the bigger table. The probies looked like they wanted to flee.

Bobby threw his napkin on the table. “We need to talk, Buck.”

“That an order, Captain Nash?”

Eddie stared in shock at Buck’s icy tone.

“If it needs to be, then, yes, it is.” Bobby’s expression was blank, and Eddie had no read on him.

Buck shoved back from the table and preceded Bobby downstairs.

Sam Miller stood, giving Chimney a look of utter betrayal. The kid was young and earnest. Even more so than Ravi. “How could you?”

Chim held up his hands in a defensive gesture. “I was joking, man.”

“Yeah, well, I was insubordinate because of your joke. I worked hard to get here, and I need it. I get to be a probationary firefighter a fucking task force station, and Buckley could ask for my job!”

“Buck wouldn’t do that,” Hen said softly, holding out a hand. “Let’s just be patient and let Bobby talk to him.”

“Oh, great,” Miller said, giving a nearly hysterical sounding laugh. “Let the captain keep ignoring his second-in-command’s obnoxiously inappropriate behavior. What the hell did I get into here?” Miller looked to Ravi. “No offense, Rav, but if I manage to keep my job, I want to move to B-shift. I can’t work like this.”

Ravi just nodded, looking shell shocked. Miller left his food behind and booked it out of the dining area, jogging downstairs. Ravi looked to Eddie. “What just happened? Am I going to get in trouble?”

“You’ll be fine, Ravi.” Eddie’s words came out in a rasp, making him aware of how frozen and locked up his throat had felt since this all started.

Ravi shook his head, grabbed a couple of dinner rolls, and jogged after Miller.

“What just happened?” Chim echoed, staring blankly at the table.

“I think that’s a question for you, Chim,” Hen said softly. “What’s been going on?”

He looked up, expression pained. “I was just kidding, Hen. You know me.”

Hen bit her lip then shook her head. “You haven’t been saying that stuff in front of me, Chim. And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have said it in front of Calley or she’d have taken your head off. What were you trying to do?”

Chim shook his head. “Nothing. You know Buck…how he gets all officious with a clipboard. Like when he was making everyone fill out forms during the blackout to get a damn charger.”

Hen’s expression was appalled. “Chim, I know I joked to you about Buck being the power czar, but those forms and procedures are department policy. He had to do that, and Bobby put him in charge of it because Buck is good with paperwork. Tell me you didn’t give him grief about it.”

Chim’s expression said it all; he had done something around the personal power usage regulations that they’d all been expected to comply with. “This was all just a joke.”

Eddie cleared his throat. “Then why weren’t you telling these jokes in front of me or Hen?”

“Come on, guys. Buck’s blowing this way out of proportion.”

“Blowing what out of proportion, Chim?” Hen pressed.

“He just needs to be cut down a little, you know? He’s taking himself too seriously.”

Eddie had tried to not take sides in this whole mess, but he suddenly felt like he’d made a huge mistake. He pushed back from the table.

“Eddie,” Chim said, tone pleading. “Come on. You get it.”

“Get what?” Eddie snapped. “Get that you have a reason to bad mouth Buck around the station? Because I don’t get that Chim, I really don’t, and I never will. He’s done nothing to mess with your job, but you come back and start messing with his?” Eddie dragged his hands through his hair. “I tried to stay out of it and let you two work it out in your own time, because I thought that’s what Buck wanted, but have you even talked to him?”

Chim’s jaw muscles clenched.

Eddie threw his hands up. “I can’t believe you. Actually, I can’t believe myself. I thought staying out of this was the best thing, but I think you took it as some sort of tacit support of your shitty behavior.”

“Eddie,” Hen said softly. “Come on, now.”

“No, Hen. Enough. We all just sat by silently and have said nothing about Chim’s fucked up actions. I get it, you’re his best friend and you feel you have to be unconditionally supportive or something, but what he did was messed up, and you know it. He was abusive to a member of his family. A member of our family. But you’re just holding his hand and acting like that’s all okay. Apparently, Chim has taken our silence as actual support of his bullshit.” Eddie felt something in him cringe. “Dios, if Chim was taking it as support, how the fuck was Buck taking it?” He desperately needed to talk to his best friend, but Buck was with Bobby, and there wasn’t anything Eddie could do to fix things right now.

Chim got to his feet. “He had no right to keep secrets from me about my girlfriend.”

“Chim!” Hen barked. “Dial down the obsessive tone. Buck had every right to keep Maddie’s secrets, but he should have told you what he knew about Jee.”

Eddie shook his head. “He didn’t know a damn thing about Jee other than Maddie had taken her to a doctor and that she was fine. He couldn’t have even told Chim what doctor Jee saw—certainly not why. For all Buck knew, Jee got a damn paper cut. If he’d known anything about Maddie’s state of mind, he’d have probably done something different.” Hen was thinking like a parent and nothing else when it came to the subject of Jee. She was also ill-informed on the subject of what was said between the siblings.

Eddie looked to Chim. “Buck was never going to win being stuck between you and Maddie in the secret wars. The truth of it is that it’s easier for you to blame Buck for some meaningless secret that made no difference than it is for you to accept that you were living with someone every day for months who needed professional help, and you didn’t step up to the plate.”

“Eddie!” Hen near yelled as Chim reared back like Eddie had hit him.

“You don’t get to muzzle me, Hen. Everyone’s been on eggshells around Chim since he got back, not saying a damn thing about how Chim contributed to the problem. Chim isn’t to blame but neither is Buck. You can’t let Chim off the hook and blame Buck at the same time.”

“I don’t blame Buck!” she shot back.

“Your actions say different. Chim wants someone to blame, and it’s easier to blame Buck than look at how he might have had a hand in the problem.” He looked to Chimney, who looked devastated. “Why didn’t you get her some fucking help, man? Why is it Buck’s fault because he had a one-minute phone conversation with her when she was on her way out of town, but it wasn’t your fault when you lived with her every damn day?”

“She’s getting help now,” Chim stammered out.

“Yeah, because of Buck. Because Buck told you where she was despite the obnoxious outgoing message you left for literally anyone who works with him to hear. Buck talked to her and convinced her to go to the hospital here in LA. She’d have kept running if Buck hadn’t promised her that she wouldn’t have to be responsible for Jee; she’s fucking terrified of hurting her own daughter.”

“She would never hurt Jee!”

Eddie pointed at Chim. “And that right there is the problem. You pat her on the head and tell her she’s a great mom, not bothering to deal with the actual issues or how Maddie feels. I can’t believe I had the nerve to tell Buck that you might know Maddie better than him. I’m such an idiot for trying to play devil’s advocate for you. The fact that you stomp around here acting like the wounded party after you hit him is the limit, Chim.”

“Excuse me?” a voice said from the door leading to the roof. Eddie spun around to see Alyssa Calley standing there with her empty plate in hand. “Are you saying Chimney is the person who gave Buck that black eye?” Her gaze flicked to Chim. “You hit not only a coworker but a member of your own family?”

Chim looked gutted. “You don’t understand, Alyssa.”

“Damn right I don’t.” She tossed her empty plate on the table amongst the detritus of a ruined dinner and pinned Eddie with a look. “Tell me you didn’t try to rationalize Chim’s behavior to Buck.”

Eddie shook his head, not sure what to say. He hadn’t rationalized it, but he hadn’t condemned it the way he’d wanted to, either. He’d tried to ride the line that he thought would help Buck the most, because Buck was always trying to fix everything, and he now knew what a mistake that was.

“God, this team is fucked up,” Calley said. “If you’ll excuse me, the captain has summoned me to his office. Maybe I should put in for a transfer while I’m there,” she muttered as she started down the stairs.

Chim sat heavily. “No one has said anything, so I wasn’t sure who knew…”

“Buck made sure to protect you,” Eddie snapped. “Not that you deserve it.”

“Eddie,” Hen said more softly. “Come on, now. We’re all family here.”

“Really convenient time for you to remember that, Hen. When Buck’s the one suffering, where’s your loyalty, huh?” Eddie nodded. “Right. It’s just for Chim.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I think it is. I’ve just been too fucking blind to see what’s going on. I was trying to be neutral in all this when I should have been supporting him unquestioningly because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He deserved to know he had my support. That’s on me.” He started for the stairs.

“Eddie, wait…” Chim called.

“Don’t talk to me. I’m not calm enough to deal with you.” He stopped and turned to face Chim and Hen. “For the record, I hear one more bad word about Buck out of your mouth on the job, Firefighter Han, I’ll file a grievance with the department myself.”

“It was a joke,” Chim said weakly.

“No one’s laughing.” Eddie headed down the stairs to get to work.

~*~

Buck fingered the piece of paper in his pocket as he led the way to the little-used captain’s office. He’d thought he was prepared for this moment, but he’d never expected things to blow up quite so publicly. He’d planned to talk to Bobby at the end of this shift end anyway, wanting there to be space and time without work hanging over his head, but life never seemed to go according to plan for him lately.

Bobby went to the captain’s desk and stood there, arms crossed. Buck could read the defensiveness in every line of Bobby’s posture. Bobby obviously felt like his back was against the wall, and that wasn’t going to go well.

With a sigh, Buck pulled the piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Bobby. “I’m not sure how everything went so wrong that you would call me out like that in front of everyone, but before you say anything, you should read this.”

Frowning, Bobby took the page and unfolded it, his expression going blank and stiff within a few seconds.

Buck offered, “I’d intended to give that to you at the end of the shift, but I figured we should just start this conversation with that rather than bloodletting about what just happened.”

Bobby hadn’t looked up from the page. “You’re resigning.”

“Yes. That’s my two week’s notice.”

“You’re leaving the department without talking to me first?” Bobby finally met Buck’s gaze. “I don’t understand.”

Buck bit back an angry retort that wanted to bubble out. “I don’t have the option of transferring—you made that perfectly clear—”

“What? That’s not what I meant.” Bobby looked startled and affronted.

Buck held up a hand. “I’d like to just get it out and explain without…digressing all over the place.”

Bobby was obviously fighting with his own responses, but he eventually managed a nod, sinking into the chair behind the desk, still holding Buck’s resignation letter. He gestured for Buck to sit as well.

Buck swallowed heavily, trying to figure out what he wanted to say—what was really important—and decided to start with when everything began falling apart. “After Chim hit me, Eddie said something to me about the whole situation that has really stuck with me—and probably not in the way he intended.” Buck raised a brow at Bobby’s shocked expression. “I’m not sure why you’re so surprised because you knew Chim was the cause of my injury, even if I refused to report it.”

Bobby cleared his throat. “Are you reporting it now?”

“Not officially. But I don’t see any point in continuing to act like I don’t know that you all know and just don’t care.”

“Buck, no—”

He held up his hand again in a stop gesture. “I need to say this.”

Bobby subsided, but he didn’t look happy.

“Eddie said that I was a fixer, that I tried to fix things. And I realized that was true. I do try to fix things—sometimes frantically. The more broken they are, the less rational I am about the approach. But things seemed pretty damn broken at that time, and I don’t just mean my orbital bone.”

Bobby winced.

“I kept waiting for the people who cared about me to try to help, to try to fix my situation, but no one did. No one reached out, no one really helped. And, yeah, we’ve all got lives and things going on, but it became really clear to me that I’m really everyone’s afterthought. Also, this narrative Chim has continually spun about how my experiences don’t happen to me really has sunk in around here.

“So, everyone was off in this headspace about how all of that had happened to Chim and Maddie—that somehow it didn’t have anything to do with me. Never mind that I haven’t seen my niece in months, my sister in months, that my family has been ripped out from underneath me, and the man likely to be my brother-in-law—my coworker, friend, and superior on the job—fractured my eye socket because I dared to keep a secret for Maddie that did him no harm at all. Not that any secret justifies violence.” Buck shot Bobby a glare just because he was sick of the narrative in his own head for weeks that Chim had a reason.

“Then we had that dinner where I suggested I leave the 118 so Chim could come back easily, and you made it clear that as captain you’d interfere with my transfer to another station, and then you all disclosed that you’d told Chim to go after Maddie. Every single one of you who I considered family had encouraged Chim to behave like an obsessive stalker and ignore Maddie’s wishes. You encouraged him to have his daughter living in the back seat of a car for months.”

“No one wanted that.”

“And I realized,” Buck said firmly, speaking over Bobby, “that I couldn’t really count on anyone to consider me, to even see me. I felt adrift and so messed up.” Buck swallowed heavily. “I started going to therapy twice a week, sometimes more, to try to get some outside perspective and figure out what to do. And then I got another outside source to help out. And then another. I slowly started to build a picture of what I needed in my life. Not about Maddie or Chim or anything else.

“I feel like my life is on hold fixing things and waiting and reacting. I can’t do it anymore. You’ve all made it clear that I’m not much of a priority. That Chim’s need to stalk Maddie is more important, that his need to vent his spleen and act like an immature child on the job is more important. And maybe it’s not fair that I didn’t throw this all out on the table before quitting, but I just don’t have anymore trust in me when it comes to this situation.”

“Buck, I did not know what he was saying—”

“Did you know he still wasn’t allowing me to see Jee?” Buck cut in.

Bobby winced and nodded.

“Did you even notice that I’ve been quiet around here and not talking in his presence?”

The way Bobby squeezed his eyes shut answered the question.

“I’ve made the choice I can live with, that gives me some sort of foundation that’s not built on sand and irrelevant pledges like ‘you’re stuck with us.’”

“Buck, we have to talk this through.”

“No.” Buck said firmly, implacably. “For the next two weeks, you’re my captain, and I need you to do your job as captain. If you want to try to fix anything about our personal relationship, it will have to be afterward. Because getting through the next two weeks is about all the stress I can handle. Also, technically, the 14th should be my last shift, but I’d like to request PTO for that last day because I need to be in class for the new job. I absolutely should have given you my notice on Monday’s shift—I even had it in my pocket—but I just chickened out, I guess.”

“You’re really giving no room to come back from this? After everything, all the good and bad choices to be here, you’re just going to walk away?”

“Yeah,” Buck said not rising to the bait about his bad choices.

“Can I ask where you’re going next?”

“Not right now. I may disclose that later, but it’s not my captain’s business.”

Bobby full-on flinched. “Are you leaving Los Angeles?”

“No. At least, that’s not my plan at the moment.”

Bobby nodded, hand spread out over Buck’s resignation letter. “If you don’t want to talk about what led to the situation, there’s still the issue of what’s been happening in the station, and that I do have to deal with.”

“Yeah, pretty sure Lieutenant Calley is going to want to rip someone’s head off.” Buck hesitated, not really wanting to ask for favors, but… “I’d like to request to ride on the triple for my last two weeks.”

“Buck.”

The tone told him that Bobby was going to probably say no. “I get it. You’ve made it more than clear that you’ll flex your power as captain to keep me where you think I should be, but I felt I’d be remiss if I didn’t express that I don’t feel safe riding on the ladder at this time.”

Bobby blanched and looked down. “I’ll get Alyssa in here and we’ll discuss it.”

Chapter Two

Eddie tried to find Buck, but despite the cast of people rotating in and out of Bobby’s office, Buck remained inside. He kept himself busy finding work near the office, but he was running out of reasons to be there.

Lieutenant Alyssa Calley had gone in first. That meeting had gone on for a while. Then both shift engineers had gone in one by one—first DeKay, then Edwards. Then the new people started to rotate in and back out, though Calley remained in the office with Buck and Bobby.

Then Calley came out sans Buck, her expression grim. She gave Eddie a sympathetic look before calling out to Edwards, “Edwards, Buckley is going to do the maintenance on the command truck. If you could go in and get him.”

Edwards frowned but went into Bobby’s office. The reason for the whole thing became clear when Calley reappeared with Chim just as Buck was leaving with Edwards.

“Buckley,” Chim began, halting in his tracks.

“No,” Calley said sharply, gesturing to the captain’s office. “Bobby’s office now. Edwards, keep going. Buckley, the monthly maintenance on the command truck STAT. I know you’re qualified. Then begin equipment checks on the triple.”

Eddie felt his stomach drop. They were transferring Buck to the triple.

Buck just skirted around everyone, not making eye contact, letting Edwards have his back as he headed for the maintenance equipment. The command truck was actually outside, so Eddie had no problem following Buck once Edwards peeled off to go back to his own work after he’d delivered Buck outside. The whole thing was likely set up to prevent a confrontation with Chim since they rarely did outdoor maintenance in the evening, no matter how well-lit the side of the building was.

“Buck!” he called, jogging to catch up. “Wait.”

“Not now, Eddie,” Buck said, glancing over the clipboard with the maintenance checklist. “I’m busy.”

“Yeah, now,” Eddie bit out, feeling like the world had tilted off its axis. “There’s no one out here, and my work is caught up.”

Buck’s jaw clenched. “Yeah, well, mine isn’t! And what’s going on with everyone else isn’t the only thing that matters!”

Eddie knew with blinding clarity that there was a wealth of undercurrent that he couldn’t possibly hope to manage while they were in a parking lot at work. With most people, he was the least qualified to deal with emotional undercurrents, but this was Buck, the person he knew best in the world.

“Buck, please talk to me,” he said softly. “What’s going on?”

The muscles in Buck’s jaw worked a few times before he met Eddie’s gaze. “I’d planned to try to get some time with you soon to talk to you and tell you…” Buck frowned and bit his lip. “I’m leaving the 118. I have three more shifts.”

It felt like the world stopped and everything fell out from underneath him. “What? Why?”

“Are you freaking serious right now?”

“Buck, he didn’t make those comments in front of—”

“But you knew things weren’t okay, Eddie! You knew. I’m stuck with you guys, right? Stuck with all of you. That’s what you all said at dinner that night, right? So, where have you been, man?”

Eddie put a hand out, but Buck stepped further back. “You haven’t been talking—”

“You haven’t been listening! And I tried to figure out when the fuck that happened, Eddie. When did you stop hearing what I was saying, and I realized it was a long, long time ago. This isn’t new. So, why the hell does it matter now? Is it just because I won’t be in my convenient spot when you need me again?”

Eddie swallowed, fighting back all the responses that wanted to bubble out. “I don’t understand. Could you please stop and just explain it to me?”

Buck hesitated and met Eddie’s gaze again. “Can you even begin to fathom what this has been like? My whole family has fucked off in one way or another, and I’m done trying to pick up the pieces. Maddie and Jee might as well still be gone with Maddie being in the hospital and refusing visitors and Chim refusing to let me see Jee, not that I’ve ever gotten to know Jee. Chim is being a fucking nightmare, yet all of you chose him. I never see you and Chris anymore—”

“I didn’t choose him,” Eddie snapped.

“The fuck you didn’t. You sent him off to stalk my sister after he broke my fucking face!”

“I saw him before I even knew he’d hit you.” Eddie held out both hands in a surrender gesture. “The only reason I continue to work with Chim every day is because I thought it’s what you wanted.”

Buck blinked in obvious shock.

“I thought you wanted everything shoved in a little box and then we’d all go on and pretend. So, I did. For you. But not because it was ever what I wanted.”

“Even if I believe that,” Buck said slowly, brow furrowed, “that doesn’t explain why you’ve fucked off out of my personal life in almost every way that matters, and that goes back to around the time you met Ana. It’s not new. Maybe it’s simply a bad habit, but I can’t be nothing to you but a bad habit.”

Eddie shook his head, not able to put all these pieces together here on the job. Buck obviously had weeks if not months of thought put into this, and Eddie wasn’t the best with emotional upheaval on a good day. He needed time to parse his thoughts and feelings, usually time alone.

And then he winced, realizing that he’d been trying to parse a lot of thoughts and feelings for a long time, and shutting out his best friend in the process. “It wasn’t about you.”

Buck scoffed and tucked the clipboard under his arm as he turned away. “I have work to do.”

“Buck, please.”

Buck spun back around and glared at him. “After we were abducted by those two prisoners and forced to take them at gunpoint to the hospital, under threat to Christopher, what did you do that night?”

“I went home and hugged my kid.”

“Nice. I went home and got blindingly drunk. I didn’t now how to handle what was going on in my head. I didn’t know what to do with you being nearly shot. Again. You remember that first shooting, right? That thing I’m never allowed to talk about, like it never happened to me. Then we get abducted and another gunshot… I was just supposed to swallow down the threat to the person I love most in the world—who, by the way, I barely get to see anymore.”

Eddie stared. “I thought you’d be with Taylor.”

“Taylor and I’d been broken up for weeks at that point.”

“I…I didn’t know.” Taylor was out of the picture? He felt like he’d really needed to know that. “You didn’t tell me.”

“You stopped asking. Literally asking anything about me, Eddie. Yeah, I didn’t volunteer, but you haven’t cared about anything that wasn’t you or Chris in a long time.”

“That’s not true, Buck.”

“Anyway,” Buck breezed on like Eddie hadn’t spoken, and Eddie got how much anger and pain was under all this because that was not at all like his Buck. “I realized the next morning that I had to do something, or I was going to spiral into another self-destructive haze. I started getting help. I realized that this whole situation isn’t good for me anymore. I don’t know when my work situation crossed the point of no return, but it has, and so I had to figure something out.”

Eddie wasn’t even sure what to latch on to first. “So you’re transferring…?”

Buck gave a derisive snort, and it was an ugly sound coming from someone as usually cheerful as Buck. “Hell, no. The lawsuit pretty much ruined me with the LAFD. There are only a handful of captains that would take me, and most of them I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Captain Mehta… Well, I reached out to him. He said he’d happily take me but he’s fully rostered, so I’d have to wait for an opening.” Buck gave a mirthless smile. “And there’s the issue of Bobby’s ability to block my transfer.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“He would,” Buck snapped harshly, glaring. “He’s interfered in my career before, and he made it clear over that fateful dinner that he had a say in whether I stayed or went from this house.”

“That was different! He wanted you to stay.”

Buck ran his hand through his hair. “He made it clear that he’s not going to act like my captain in the clutch. I just don’t trust him when it comes to the job anymore.” He shrugged. “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’d have helped me find a spot, but I’m short on faith. I’m fucking sick of being left behind.”

It was disjointed and bordering on nonsensical. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

“You already did! Why can’t you see how you checked the fuck out already, Eds?” Buck’s eyes were glassy. “Why is it so hard to admit that I’m just an afterthought for you?”

“Because you’re not,” Eddie said firmly, lowly.

Buck shook his head and turned.

“I think your relationship with Maddie is toxic,” he blurted out, going for the most honest thing he could say with no filter.

Buck turned back around, brow knitted in confusion. “What?”

Eddie stopped closer, hands held out. “There are things we never touch on—tender areas we leave alone. You don’t poke me about me military service or…” Eddie hesitated. “Or how dysfunctional my relationship with my parents is. It’s like this unspoken agreement to leave each other’s vulnerabilities alone. And I…I can’t poke at your relationship with Maddie because you always talk like it’s the only thing in life you have. Like you exist because she’s your sister.”

Cautiously, Eddie edged a little closer, letting the words he’d always wanted to say just pour out. “I know there’s good there—I know that, okay?—but there’s so much that’s messed up. Your boundaries with her are so bad—way worse than my parents with me, and it matters more because she’s so close and you care too much. But I leave it alone and don’t say what I think because I thought that was the rule. I thought it was what you wanted.

“And I hated what Chim did. I can’t stand working with him, but I thought getting everything back the way it used to be was what you wanted. I didn’t like it, Buck, but I thought this was what I was supposed to do.”

Buck looked away, blinking furiously. “I’ve been drowning, man. There were days I felt like I had no one except Carla, and it would have been good to know you were on my side.”

“I’m always on your side.”

Buck’s gaze sharpened and became something almost cold, and Eddie realized he needed to go further.

“You think you’re the only one struggling? I’m fucked up, and don’t know what to do. And I don’t even know why.” He swallowed down the sense of panic. “That may be the first time I’ve even said it. Chris is getting anxious and neurotic about everything, and I’m…lost.” Eddie gestured wildly, not knowing what to do with his hands when just a few hours ago, he’d have readily grabbed onto his best friend. “I fucked up, okay? But I thought I was giving you what you wanted and needed since Maddie took off.” He shook his head. “And I didn’t know how to say I’m struggling. Since…” He looked away and swallowed.

“The shooting.”

Eddie nodded slowly.

“Do you want to fix it, Eds?”

“Dios, Buck, do you think I want to lose you?”

“I don’t know. I woke up this morning thinking it wouldn’t matter if I left.”

“It matters,” Eddie said softly, firmly. “Please don’t give up.”

“What are you asking here, Eds? The 118 is done. After three more shifts, that’s my past. So what are we trying to fix?”

“Nothing can convince you to stay?”

“No.” Buck was so resolute that it was new and startling.

Taking a blind leap, Eddie asked, “Can I go with you?”

Buck blinked at him in astonishment. “What?”

“I don’t know what you’re doing, but am I qualified, and can I go with you?”

“Eds…”

“We’re partners, and…” He flailed about for what to say that was honest but not delving deep in the middle of the parking lot. “We’ve done a shit job of communicating, but I need you in my life, okay? We’ll do the work, we’ll fix it. If I have to do the job without you, I will, but I can’t do my personal life without you. So, if it’s one or the other, I choose to have you in my personal life. But I’d prefer to have both.” Eddie managed a small smile. “That said, working with you is the most fun I’ve ever had.”

Buck looked flustered and glanced away. “No one knows yet…”

“You know I won’t say anything until you’re ready.”

“LA County Fire Department, Air Search and Rescue unit. Ray has been interviewing for a medic…”

“Will you tell him I’d like an interview?”

Buck’s mouth opened and then closed. “Eddie… Are you sure? You have a home here.”

And it hit Eddie with a blinding flash that Buck and Christopher were his home, and he was on the cusp of losing part of that. “Outside of Chris, you’ve always been my priority. We haven’t communicated well—for a while, I suppose. I think that’s on both of us but, yeah, probably more me.” He gave Buck a pointed look. “And your unwillingness to rock the boat.”

Buck glanced away again and swallowed heavily.

“But I don’t believe that it can’t be fixed. I refuse to believe that.”

After a long pause, Buck nodded and said, “We can try.”

“Good. That’s good. Perfect, even.” He blew out a breath. “Do you know what’s going to happen here?”

“I have no idea what’s happening with Chim, but I’m pretty sure Bobby is going to have to demote him to keep DeKay and Calley from transferring.”

Eddie blinked in astonishment. “Wow.”

“Calley was pretty furious, and Marcus looked ready to peel the paint off the truck with laser eyes.” Buck rubbed his hand over his mouth. “Bobby was throwing out various options when Calley got cold and dismissed me to go work on the command truck. I don’t want this to blow up into a big thing with the brass and the union, but it may be out of my hands.”

Eddie hated it but he knew it was true that Bobby had messed up. “Bobby’s let a lot of things slide that, as captain, he should have addressed. He may have thought he was doing what you wanted—” He held up a hand when Buck seemed set to reply. “That doesn’t excuse it. As captain, he should be doing the right thing for the whole station and the job, not trying to do…whatever that was. I think we’re all going to regret how this went down for a long time.” He blew out a breath and rubbed his hand over the side seam of his uniform pants.

“I can’t get emotionally invested in whatever this fallout is…” Buck said slowly. “I told Bobby and Alyssa that I’m not looking for them to do anything official; I just want to work out my notice without having to work with him.” He shrugged. “We’ll see what happens.”

“I get it.” Eddie felt stupidly nervous as he offered, “So, after this shift, you can come to mine in the morning, and we can get started on doing some talking?”

“Um. You’d need to come to mine, I think. I have a realtor coming by to see the loft right after shift.”

Eddie blinked. “You’re moving?”

Buck shrugged. “The loft isn’t close to the airfield. And I want something permanent and real for myself, so I figured it was time to start making decisions for me instead of decisions for everyone else. So, yes, I’m moving.”

Eddie felt like there was hope they could course correct, but he still felt off kilter and unsettled. “It seems like you’ve made a lot of decisions…?”

Hesitantly, Buck nodded.

“I’m looking forward to hearing about it.”

Buck’s lips quirked up for a faint second. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

~*~

Buck sat down across from Alyssa Calley in Bobby’s office. Bobby was back in the kitchen, leaving Alyssa to handle relaying everything to Buck.

“I asked to be the one to talk to you because I think Bobby’s objectivity is lacking—especially in regard to anything concerning you.”

Buck just nodded.

“I understand you want this kept quiet as possible…?”

“I just want out, Alyssa. I want to do my two weeks without drama and without another huge scandal attached to my name with the department. Beyond that…” He shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“Well, this can’t go completely consequences free.” She cleared her throat. “First thing is that Han will be suspended for what amounts to misuse of his authority.” She made a vague gesture. “And a few other minor things. He wasn’t gracious about accepting it, but easily half the shift is prepared to make complaints straight with the union about his behavior. Keane has more time on the job than Han and a better reputation, so Han isn’t going to go do well going to toe-to-toe with him in a union fight. I won’t bore you with all the details, but quite a few of the guys are writing statements for an informal complaint that will become official if Han fights the changes.”

She cleared her throat and continued, “After his suspension, he’ll be demoted and either ride in the ambo or ladder truck as needed. I’ll be moving into second-in-command spot with DeKay taking third. Edwards technically has seniority, but you know he’s allergic to responsibility and doesn’t want it. I can’t say Marcus does want it, but he said he’d rather do it himself than have another situation emerge like this.”

Buck nodded.

“So, bearing in mind that Howard Han won’t be here for the next two weeks, do you still want to switch to the triple?”

Buck nodded. “Yes. I’d prefer to just work out my two weeks with as little hassle as possible, and I’m not sure the truck company could stop themselves from…” he hesitated over how to say it.

“Throwing a guilt trip or ten your way?”

“Yeah.”

“Fair enough. And you’re sure you want to leave because I have to tell you that having you leave the station wouldn’t be my first choice. I’d be pleased to have you on the triple permanently.”

Buck shook his head. “I think the contempt that has built up around here has reached a level of toxic that can’t be fixed. And even if it could be, I’d be seeing seeing this situation as the cause of everything that went wrong going forward, even when it wasn’t remotely related.”

She blew out a breath. “I don’t think the contempt issue, as you call it, is as extreme as you think. Look at how things were fine before Han returned to duty.”

“Yeah, but look at how quickly people were willing to believe shit about me.”

“No one on my squad believed that about you, Buck. No one,” she said firmly. “Honestly, this is more on me than anyone else because I should have been in Nash’s face about some of the stuff he lets slide around here. He’s a good captain overall, but he’s got some blind spots.”

Buck couldn’t help but feel skeptical.

“That said, I can see how the other part could definitely be an issue—looking for ghosts, as it were, around every corner. I just have to put it out there that I’d like you to stay.”

Buck stared at his hands for a few seconds. “Honestly, Alyssa, I don’t think Bobby and I can work together anymore. And that’s as much on me as it is on him. I let things get this way where he treats me more like a recalcitrant child than one of his firefighters. I shouldn’t have—”

“Buck, stop. Even if you both made equal number of mistakes—hell, even if you made way more mistakes—ultimately, he’s more responsible because he’s the captain. That’s part of the duty and obligation of leadership. No matter what you say, no matter how you feel about it, he’s more to blame for his failures to act like a captain rather than your dad.”

Buck winced.

“So I can understand why you feel the need to make the big break, I truly do. I just hope you two can salvage something.”

“Maybe. I asked that we just work together for the next two weeks and anything that gets fixed has to be fixed after he’s no longer my captain.”

“And that’s fair. That said, you don’t have to leave the LAFD.”

“Bobby’s made it pretty clear that I do have to leave.” Buck blew out a breath. “And let’s be real, transferring isn’t going to be easy for me anyway. Mehta said he’d take me, but he’s got a full roster.”

“Did he know you were going to quit when you had that conversation?”

Buck shook his head.

“Because I promise you that he’d have arranged a swap with Bobby rather than see you leave. I also think you underestimate the number of captains that would be happy to have you in their house.”

“The department made it really clear to me when I came back after the lawsuit that my options within the LAFD would always be extremely limited, and I didn’t get much response to the feelers I put out about houses with openings. The few captains who responded aren’t ones I’d want to work with.”

Alyssa sat back with a huff. “That’s because the SAR bureaus have dibs on you.”

“What?”

“All of the SAR bureaus routinely ask for you to be transferred to their station whenever they get an opening. With your qualifications and your dedication to ongoing education, you’re a natural fit for SAR or one of the enhanced task force stations with air or USAR. Many captains have expressed to the battalion chief that you’re wasted in a standard operation, mostly putting out kitchen fires and working fender benders.”

Buck flushed. “I like my job—the diversity of it appeals to me.”

“I get that, but If you’d put it out openly that you wanted out of the 118, you’d have been rostered somewhere else within a shift. Your preference for the 118 is the only reason why you’re still here.”

Buck just blinked at her.

“My point is that you don’t have to go, Buck. I’ll bet I can get you on at any SAR bureau or at the 133 for your next shift. Hell, you could get on at 56. Since you’re an engineer as well, you could get trained to run Heavy Rescue.”

Buck made a face. “I have no desire whatsoever to be chained to that custom, behemoth apparatus.” It didn’t take him long to make the choice. “No. I mean, I appreciate it, but I feel like I’m making the best choice for myself.” He hesitated. “I’m not giving specifics yet, but I am going into search and rescue.” He didn’t like how narrowly it would focus him, but it was a good move.

She smiled faintly. “That tracks. Well, I won’t lay on the hard sell tactics, but I have a feeling the door will always be open to you returning to the LAFD. No matter what the brass says about the lawsuit, they’ve invested a lot of time and money in you, and they’ll take you back even if they pretend to be begrudging about it.”

She leaned forward, bracing her arms on the desk. “As a favor to you and because I know it’s what you want, I’m going to try to keep this as drama free and low key as possible, but a lot of that depends on Han. I’m requiring mandatory release from a department therapist for him to return to work, and if his attitude is shitty when he comes back, he might wind up the subject of a full-blown investigation. I just don’t want you to be unprepared.”

Buck frowned. “I don’t actually care if Chim faces consequences for his wretched behavior, Alyssa; this is not about him. I’d just prefer to stop having him affect my life, which is why I didn’t create a big drama with the union. But, yeah, I’m all for him getting some damn therapy. I have a feeling my sister isn’t going to dump his obnoxious ass, so I’d prefer it if he gets his heads screwed on straight for her sake if not his own.”

She gave him a concerned look. “I won’t pry, but if you ever want to talk, I’m happy to listen.”

Buck smiled sadly. “I appreciate it.”

“Okay, then. Hopefully things will stay calm the rest of the shift, but you’re with my team and I direct your work going forward. Nash is going to announce Han’s suspension shortly, but he’s asked if he can wait to announce your resignation until the morning.”

“He thinks if I sleep on it, I’ll change my mind?” Buck frowned.

“Probably.”

“I’m not changing my mind, but if he wants to wait until end of shift, I don’t care. But if he doesn’t do it in the morning, I definitely will. I’m not sitting on it and slinking out the door on the last shift without having told my team.”

“Duly noted. If anything noteworthy happens in regard to the department or the situation with Han, should I call your cell or wait until your next shift?”

“You’re welcome to call me anytime. I generally prefer not to get bad news at work since I prefer to keep my head in the game on the job as much as possible. That’s why I intended to hand in my notice at the end of shift. I couldn’t have predicted that last supper from hell.”

Alyssa snorted in wry amusement. “I don’t think any of us were prepared for that, but it could be we’ll wind up the better for it even if I’m going to miss your snarky ass around here.”

Buck managed a faint smile. “Yeah, I’ll miss you too.”

Chapter Three

“Chimney will be on administrative leave for the next couple of weeks,” Bobby said to the assembled crew, “while we conduct an internal review and decide on an action plan going forward.”

Buck frowned at the wording because he was pretty damn sure if he’d been suspended for misbehavior that Bobby would have just called a spade a spade and told the entire shift that he’d been suspended. He’d have probably tacked a memo on the board for all three shifts to see.

“I appreciate the cooperation of those who have already discussed the matter with me, and ask for the patience of the rest of the team as I get around to talking with everyone over the next few shifts. However, if you have urgent concerns at any time, please reach out to me.”

Sam Miller raised his hand.

Bobby sighed. “You don’t need to raise your hand. What’s the question, Sam?”

“Not a question. I’d just like to publicly apologize to firefighter Buckley for everything I said or did over the last couple of weeks that was anything less than professional. It was beneath me, the standards of the department, and he certainly didn’t deserve it.”

Bobby cleared his throat. “I’m sure Buck would prefer if you discussed this privately.”

“That may be true, Captain, but my poor behavior was public, so I’ll apologize in the same way.” Sam looked right at Buck. “I apologize, Buck, and I would completely understand if you find working with me to be too difficult over the coming weeks, but I wanted to put it out there that I will take on board anything you have to teach me.”

Buck nodded. “Thanks, Sam. Honestly, there’s no hard feelings. We’ll just move forward with your training if you’re on the triple, okay?”

Hen’s gaze snapped to Bobby. “Buck’s on the triple?”

Bobby sighed. “That was the other part of the announcement. Firefighter Buckley will be riding on the triple engine in place of Keane who will rotate to the ladder truck. Eddie, you’ll ride with Hen until we can get a floater in for the paramedic position. I’ve already put in a request, but I doubt we’ll get someone this late in the shift. Lieutenant Calley and I have agreed that we’ll rotate the probationary firefighters between the two apparatus from shift to shift. Miller will conclude this shift on the triple and ride in the truck next shift. We’ll be keeping both probies on the A-shift roster until one of the permanent members of A-shift returns from medical leave. Any other questions?”

Keane, who was seated on the dining table despite getting a frown from Bobby, asked, “Is ‘administrative leave’ a fancy way of saying suspended? Because this is already feeling like his fucked-up behavior is being swept under the rug.” The guy had been with the department a long time and clearly had no fucks to give.

Hen shot him an irritated look.

Bobby’s expression was wooden. “It means that I can’t discuss the review we’re conducting with the entirety of the shift. Everyone is entitled to privacy and discretion at this time. I’m certainly willing to discuss it with you further in private if that’s your wish.”

Keane hopped up off the table. “I do wish. Because way too much of this clusterfuck was public for it all to be behind closed doors now.”

Bobby’s jaw muscles flexed. “Then we’ll take this to my office. If anyone else has a question, now’s the time to ask.” When no one said anything, the environment thick with tension, Bobby added, “then rack out and get some sleep while you can. It’s been a long day.”

Everyone began slowly dispersing as Keane and Bobby headed downstairs. Alyssa handed Buck a stack of paperwork. “You sure about this?”

“Yeah, I need something to settle my brain before bed, and paperwork calms me down.”

“You’re a little bit of a weirdo, Buckley, but I don’t mind having someone help me with my paperwork.” She smiled and clapped him on the shoulder before heading to the bunk room.

“Can we talk?” Hen asked as soon as enough people had ventured away, her very presence making it unlikely that anyone from the triple would stay to talk to him.

Eddie shot him a concerned look from the kitchen; it was Eddie’s night to do the final cleanup before lights out, so he had a legitimate reason to linger upstairs.

“Sure,” Buck finally said and led the way to the couch, setting the papers down on the coffee table. “What’s up?”

She looked a little uncomfortable as she sat at the opposite end. “So. That whole thing today got kind of explosive.”

Buck lifted one brow. “Really? Seems like it’s been exploding for a while.”

“Buck, please believe that he wasn’t saying most of that in front of me.”

“Thing is, Hen, if he had, at best you’d have gently chastised him. At worst, you’d have laughed. This whole toxic dynamic has been going off for a long time, and you don’t call Chim out on his shit, at least not in front of me.”

She jerked back a bit. “Buck. That’s not—” She paused and took a deep breath. “This doesn’t even sound like you.”

“Doesn’t it? How would you know? You’ve never really seen me this fed up and pissed off, so how would you know if this is like me or not?”

“It’s certainly not like you to be angry like this. You’ve always been the forgiving sort.”

“Yeah, well, being abused on the job every damn shift can start to get to anyone.”

“That phrasing seems…extreme.”

“Does it?” Buck cocked his head to the side. “What do you really want, Hen?”

She hesitated again before saying, “This whole thing could ruin Chim’s career if it’s not handled carefully, and—”

“I don’t care about Chim’s career,” Buck interjected firmly.

Hen looked like he’d slapped her.

“He’s made every damn move here, Hen. Every bit of aggression and spite has come from him, and I’ve just had to take it with zero support from my so-called family. I’m not actively seeking to do anything to or about Chim, but if he suffers any consequences due to his own fucked up behavior, that’s on his head, not mine.”

“Buck, no…” She started to reach out, then pulled her hand back. “There’s so much in that, and I don’t even know where to start.” She blew out a breath. “Chim said he’s been keeping Jee away from you because you…” She bit her lip and then gave a firm nod. “He said you were the aggressor in that confrontation, and he was defending himself. That he doesn’t trust you as a result, and he has a point about that and about prioritizing Jee’s safety.”

“So you just believe him?” Buck broke in before she could continue on with whatever other false concern she was prepared to offer to get Buck to agree to help Chim out.

She blinked at him a couple of times in confusion. “Chim wouldn’t lie to me.”

“But I would?”

Her expression twisted with obvious upset. “Buck.”

“Wait here.” He wasn’t playing these fucking games anymore. He was so done. Chim could reap the consequences of his actions and his lies as far as Buck was concerned.

He went into the bunk room and grabbed his tablet from the small bag he kept stashed by his bunk during shift. He caught Calley’s eye where she’d just sat down on her bunk in LAFD sweats. “I need you to join me for a minute.”

Brow creasing in concern, she nodded. “Okay.”

They made it back to the kitchen just as Bobby and Liam were coming up the stairs, neither looking very happy.

“Great,” Buck said woodenly. “Saves me having to come find you for this.”

Bobby’s expression shuttered and he seemed to be steeling himself. “What are we looking at?”

Buck gestured to Eddie. “You too.” He knew Eddie would join without question since Eddie had been lingering over the kitchen cleanup, obviously prepared to intervene with Hen if Buck needed it. Buck didn’t care if Keane stayed, and he pretended not to notice DeKay hovering like a silent shadow in the doorway leading to the roof.

Buck opened the case on his tablet, unlocked it, and then opened the files app, browsing to the video he was looking for. “This summer, Taylor had a little problem with a stalker. The guy was caught creeping around the building a few times—there was a whole restraining order thing.”

“You never said anything,” Eddie said softly.

“You were recovering from being shot, Eds,” Buck returned just as gently. “I wasn’t home as much as— Well, honestly, as much as she needed me to be. She felt less safe at her own place, so she was at my place a lot, even when I wasn’t home. So I upgraded my security package to include video monitoring of the common areas in the loft. Even after we broke up, I didn’t bother downgrading the package. The security company only keeps a week of recordings on their server, which are only accessible by the client.”

He met Bobby’s gaze directly. “Unless, of course, there’s footage I need to download. And before anyone gets any ideas about the legalities, there’s a sign right on my door that there’s video surveillance in use. Also, no one has a legal expectation of privacy in my home save for in the bathrooms. Now…” He paused as he cast the video to the big TV screen.

“Buck, don’t do this. Please.” Hen sounded pained.

“Do what, Hen? Defend myself for once? Chim told you I was the aggressor? That the reason he doesn’t let me see Jee because I can’t be trusted due to being violent?”

“What?” Eddie said lowly, tone dangerous. “That fucker.”

“For context for those who don’t know, because there’s no audio, this is the conversation when Chim figured out that I had talked to Maddie on the phone after she dropped Jee at the station. Mind you, all I knew was that Jee was safe at the station and Maddie was leaving. She made an oblique reference to Jee having seen a doctor but being fine, and that was all I knew. My sister swore me to secrecy that she’d spoken with me directly. Said she’d left a video for Chim explaining everything, and she was calling me because she wanted me to look out for Chim and Jee.

“That’s all that was said to me, that’s all I knew, and this is when Chim figured out that I’d talked to Maddie and hadn’t told him.”

“Buck,” Bobby sounded weird, like he wasn’t sure what to even say.

“I think we need to let this play out, Captain Nash,” Alyssa said firmly.

He hit play.

The video wasn’t long. He’d watched it several times, so he knew there was nothing threatening in his body language or facial expression.

When the video was done, the silence was thick and heavy.

Buck snapped his iPad shut into its case, ending the connection to the TV and breaking the spell at the same time.

Eddie swore softly, but it was DeKay who pushed himself off the wall and joined them by the sofa. “Well, that’s my line in the sand, Captain. You bring him back to A-shift, you get yourself a new engineer for the truck because I’ll be looking for a new station.” He looked to Buck. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“Yep. Already gave Bobby my notice. He asked me to wait until morning to tell everyone.”

“Even if Chim is gone?”

“Me leaving is not about this punch.”

DeKay looked around at everyone standing frozen. “No, I guess it’s not.” He extended his hand and Buck shook it readily. “It’s been my absolute honor, Firefighter Buckley. You’ll be missed.” Buck had always respected how DeKay preferred not to have the kind of tight bonds a lot of A-shift had. The guy was good at his job but tended to keep to himself.

“The feeling is mutual. Good luck.”

Marcus nodded and walked away.

Keane’s gaze flicked around, settling briefly on everyone. “This really has nothing to do with me, so I’m going to go to bed, but I’m definitely standing firm on everything I said in your office, Captain Nash. In fact, I’d double down on it.” He looked to Buck. “We won’t be riding together for the next couple of weeks, so seems like we’ll only get to work side-by-side if there’s a serious cluster fuck, and that’s a damn shame because you seem like a good guy. I hope we we cross paths in the future.”

“Seems unlikely since I’m leaving the LAFD entirely, but I wish you the best, Liam.”

“Well, that’s pretty fucked up. The LAFD certainly isn’t any better for how this situation was handled.” Keane shook his head. “Good night, everyone. And, yes, I’m actually hoping we get a call because this tension today sucks ass, and I’d rather work it out doing my job than lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.” With that parting shot, Liam followed DeKay to the bunkroom.

Hen looked gutted when Buck finally focused on her. “You’re leaving?” She looked back at the blank TV screen. “And you ruined Chim’s career on the way out the door? I don’t…”

Eddie made an inarticulate noise of rage, but it was Alyssa Calley who coldly said, “Howard Han ruined his own damn career. This victim blaming ends now.” She gave Bobby an icy look. “I’m going to bed myself before I have to write someone up.”

Hen looked like she didn’t know what to do or say.

Buck got to his feet.

“Buck—” Bobby broke off and shook his head, obviously lost.

“No, we’re not doing this. I have nothing left to say unless an investigation gets launched and I’m required to give a statement. That ship didn’t sail, Bobby, it fucking sank. And I’m sticking to my resolve if that if we’re going to talk things out on a personal level, it will be after you’re no longer my captain.” He met Bobby’s pained gaze. “I need you to just be my captain for two weeks. That’s it.” He blew out a breath. “But if that’s too difficult for some reason, swap with another station or roster me on B-shift. I don’t even care at this point.”

He started to head to the bunkroom himself, but then he stopped and met Bobby’s gaze again. “I need to say this, though. If I find out that he’s told even one more person that I was the aggressor, then I will go to the police. I’ve been pretty fucking charitable about this whole thing, but I’m done being his punching bag—in any fashion. Physical, verbal, emotional, or even metaphorical. I’ve got three years under the statute of limitations for felony level battery, and it is a fucking felony since he broke a bone and gave me concussion. Yeah, I got a legal consult when this all went down so I know that even for a first offense he could face three years in jail.

“So, since you two,” he gestured to Bobby and Hen, “are more concerned about Chim, you might want to rein him in before he lies his way into getting arrested.” With that, Buck grabbed his paperwork and headed for the bunkroom. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, but he didn’t want to stay where Hen and Bobby could say something irrevocable because they were upset about poor Chim.

Eddie watched Buck leave and then turned back to Hen, who looked absolutely destroyed.

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “He lied to me.”

Eddie decided to keep his mouth shut for now and wait to see how this played out between Hen and Bobby because he was struggling to deal with the revelations of the last ten minutes.

He’d never known how that situation had gone down—Buck had only given him the barest of details when the event first occurred. Eddie had assumed there’d been some level of something on Buck’s side, even though he knew there was no way Buck was the aggressor. But Buck had done nothing. His body language was placating and open and Chim had just attacked him. Even if Eddie wasn’t hoping to follow Buck to LA County FD, he knew he’d never be able to work a shift with Chim again.

Bobby sighed. “Chim is…desperately trying to control a situation he can’t possibly hope to control. And Calley is right that he needs help.”

Hen blew out a shaky breath. “Yeah. I’ll be all up in his face making sure he gets it.” Her gaze flicked to Eddie. “Buck is obviously angry, and he has every right to be, but I know he’ll eventually see that Chim was emotionally compromised. He was spiraling and so obviously out of control. I know that’s not a justification—”

“Sure sounds like you’re making one,” Eddie said stiffly. “Thing is, Hen, there are people who have been under more emotional duress who have still gone to jail for that kind shit. He may have been compromised, but he wasn’t legally insane or in any way not responsible for his actions. Drunk drivers are compromised but they still suffer legal repercussions for their actions.”

She crossed her arms. “I guess you’d know all about that.” She froze and her expression was instantly regretful.

Eddie froze. It was obvious what she was alluding to, but he’d confided in Hen in the strictest of confidences about the situation where he’d punched that guy goading him about the handicap parking for Christopher.

“For starters, you already know how awful what you just did was. Second, I did face serious potential repercussions, including possible job loss. No one swept anything under the rug.

“I faced my consequences in that situation, and as much as I’d have hated it, I was prepared to deal with it. It was the prosecutor who decided there was no case and dismissed everything.” The supposed victim had a history of instigating fights with people and then trying to sue them. The guy’s own lawyer hadn’t wanted to take on Eddie’s whole situation in civil court—Christopher’s very real disability and Eddie’s military service—and the entire thing had gone away. Of course, that had gotten resolved after the fight club thing had gone down, and Eddie had kept expecting the axe to fall, so it had been a very tense few months.

He looked to Bobby. “And while you’re pondering all the other consequences I didn’t face, we should talk about that privately because there are definitely things you don’t know.”

Bobby clenched his jaw but nodded.

Eddie looked between Hen and Bobby. “Whatever you two may think of me, however hypocritical you may think it is that I didn’t get in trouble and Chim might, I want to point out that I have never laid a hand on member of my family. Chim didn’t get frustrated with life and punch some stranger in a parking lot or get in a bar brawl, he punched his own brother—broke his zygomatic bone and gave him a concussion with one fucking hit. Buck didn’t do a damn thing to deserve it. And if you argue that Buck keeping Maddie’s phone call a secret is some kind of invitation to violence, then what kind of invitation is Chim keeping Maddie’s depression a secret?”

Eddie backed off, hands held out in front of him. “I’m done. It’ll be a long goddamn time before I’ll ever trust you with anything again,” he said pointedly to Hen. She hadn’t outright broken his confidence, but she’d come damn close, and if Bobby hadn’t already been aware of the situation, she’d have put enough out there to make Bobby want to dig. She could have easily affected his livelihood because she said something out of turn, not knowing whether Bobby was informed or not.

She held out a hand. “Eddie please. I didn’t mean that, and I’m so sorry. This situation is messed up and everything is falling apart.”

“The only thing you care about is Chim, right? Don’t ask me to understand your fucked up behavior while you’re enabling Chim all over the place. Just, no. I’m done.” He turned to head to the bunkroom, hating how everything was getting destroyed, including all of their relationships.

“Eddie, wait.” Bobby caught up with him as he was nearly past the kitchen.

Eddie turned back around. Hen was still seated on the couch, her head buried in her hands. “What?” No one was left, and if they talked softly, there was no way anyone could hear them.

“What don’t I know? Because I backed you up in not reporting—”

“Stop, Bobby. I’m not going to be emotionally blackmailed,” Eddie bit out.

Bobby looked like Eddie had hit him. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Then what are you trying to do?”

“I’m just trying to understand.”

“Trying to understand what? How the guy you’ve been treating like a surrogate son for years has been falling apart under your very nose and you didn’t even notice? How he’s so angry that I barely recognize him anymore? How it seems like you’re trying to take care of Chim and not Buck?”

Bobby swallowed heavily. “Buck won’t talk to me.” It sounded like the fact was tearing him apart.

“Look at the way you’ve come at him on every goddamn thing lately, Bobby. It’s obvious to me that this is tearing him up so badly because he loves you, but he sure the hell doesn’t trust you right now. He absolutely believes you’d fuck up his career if he tried to get your help.” Eddie shook his head. “And I can’t believe we have to talk about that thing—like I’m not allowed to be angry about what was done to my best friend because my past history with fighting strangers who signed up for that shit.”

“I’m not saying they’re the same—at all.”

“Well, good. Because if you were, I wouldn’t say another word to you and would ask for an immediate transfer.” Eddie dragged his hands through his hair, not wanting to argue. “Aside from the fairly large number of LAFD members involved in that…group, there were also a lot of LAPD. I didn’t know that at the time, but some stuff went down after I got out, and there was a semi-official investigation that was ultimately swept under the rug to keep from ruining the reputation of both departments. There was a very oblique warning to me not ever bring it up to anyone. Buck knows, of course, but him I actually do trust.

“So before you ever think of bringing this up to me or anyone else again, you might want to consider the sheer damage it could do to your career. It’s fucked up, and I recognize that, but it is what it is, and, unlike Chim, I don’t piss in the wind and victim blame when life is actually working in my favor. I may not have deserved that windfall, but I put my head down and keep my nose clean.

“Buck, however, was willing to let the whole thing go, to protect Chim even. He was even willing to gracefully transfer to another station so Chim could come back to the 118 with no stress or consequences. And look what he’s been put through as a result. All he did, honestly, was be nicer than any of the rest of us would be.”

“I had no intention of ever bringing up the thing to anyone, but I appreciate the warning.” Bobby leaned back against the island, looking defeated. “I feel blindsided by all this. Maybe I was deliberately blind to Chim’s behavior these last few weeks, I don’t know. I just don’t know how to fix it.”

“It can’t be fixed, Bobby, and that’s the honest truth. There can probably be something new, but what there used to be is gone. We have to move on. As for what you can do…? Do what Buck asked. He needs you to act like his captain—a good captain. He’s got three more shifts, and he doesn’t deserve for them to be miserable.”

“The only thing he said he wanted was peace for these last three shifts and to not have more scandal attached to his name with the LAFD.” Bobby blew out a breath. “I don’t know how to keep that promise. Keane thinks I’m a jackass and I’m not sure he’s going to be satisfied with the unofficial route Calley and I agreed on for handling this situation.”

“When you went downstairs to talk with Keane, were you planning on Chim coming back to the 118 after Buck left?”

Bobby frowned but nodded slowly. “I’d hoped, yeah.”

“If you really don’t want a big investigation to get kicked off, then take some actual serious action. Quit using words like ‘on leave’ when you mean ‘suspended.’ Make it clear you’re actually doing something. You and the union have a certain amount of power that doesn’t involve a huge investigation. You can issue consequences and have Chim transferred—it’ll only get real if Chim fights it. But the whole vibe you’ve had going so far is sweeping it under the rug. I’m not surprised Keane isn’t going to let that go.”

Bobby frowned but nodded slowly. “I really can’t have Chim back in this house, can I?”

“Not on any shift, Bobby. You can’t count on word not getting around to key people on B-shift first, and then probably C-shift. People are going to refuse to work with him. In short order, the other two captains are going to refuse to take him.”

“That could eventually affect Chim’s reputation with the entire LAFD.”

“Are you expecting sympathy from me? Because that ain’t happening, especially after what I just saw. And if Chim wants to salvage his career with the LAFD, he’ll take the grace he’s been offered and settle into a new station, keep his head down, and prove he can do the job. Then by the time rumors start to circulate, he’ll hopefully already have people who trust him.”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to him.” Bobby blew out a long breath. “I just wish Buck had talked to me before he decided to go nuclear.”

“And that right there is the problem. If you really want to fix your relationship with Buck, you might want to stop framing this as Buck having been the one who went nuclear. Chim is the one who did that. How much abuse was Buck supposed to take, huh? In public, no less.” Eddie shook his head. “I can’t do this. I refuse to pretend like I’m anything other than furious at how this whole thing shook out—including furious with myself. I’m going to bed. Unlike Keane, I don’t want a call tonight because I have to ride with Hen after the shit she just pulled.”

Bobby’s face was stricken.

Yeah, the whole situation was entirely fucked up.

Chapter Four

Buck walked to the Jeep after shift, shoulder to shoulder with Eddie, trying to decide how to approach the rest of the morning.

“Buck! Wait up.” Keane jogged to catch up to them, his LAFD duffle slung over his shoulder, dressed in jeans and a ratty, old LAFD t-shirt that was of a design Buck wasn’t familiar with it. While LA was perpetually pretty temperate, it was still morning in November, and it was way too chilly for Buck to be able to understand how the guy was in nothing but short sleeves and no jacket.

“What’s up, Liam?”

Liam gave him an assessing look. “Is this what you really want?”

“Do you mean leaving the LAFD or Bobby’s revised announcement about Chim’s suspension?” Bobby had told the whole shift just about fifteen minutes ago that Buck had resigned and that Chim was suspended and also not coming back to the 118 regardless of how the investigation went. Hen was visibly upset, but she wasn’t saying anything.

“The investigation and suspension thing. Believe me, man, I get why you’re leaving.” He cast a hairy eyeball at the stationhouse, and Buck winced at the impression Liam had of the whole crew. “Do you really want this whole no-complaints thing? Because I won’t keep quiet for Calley or Nash, but I will for you.”

Buck pursed his lips and considered. “It’s not my call to make, and I’m not going to tell you how to feel about what you’ve experienced in your time here or what you should do about it.”

“Then what have you said to Nash and Calley?”

“I said that I’m sick of scandal being attached to my name and reputation at the LAFD. That I wouldn’t personally make a complaint against him and that I would appreciate it if whatever they did didn’t drag me deeper into the muck. But I also said that if he keeps telling people that instigated these problems that I will go all the way in terms of legal and professional consequences, regardless of what it means for me. But I’m not going to make any requests or demands of you. I don’t know you that well and I have no foundation with you that would allow me to make any such request.”

Liam nodded, looking thoughtful. “I’m going to ask you a question that’s none of my business and I won’t get bent if you don’t want to answer. How much money did you turn down to keep working at this house?”

Buck blinked a few times before he could manage to ask, “Is this going to stay between us?”

“You have my word on that.”

“Five million.”

Liam stared. “Well. Okay, then. You’re fucking idiot who clearly doesn’t need me making your life any harder than you’re going to make it on your own fool self.” He rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’m going to follow your lead. I haven’t worked with Calley or Nash any longer than I have you, and I at least understand your motives. So, if you’re not filing a formal complaint, I won’t either. But I’m submitting a report to Calley with every single observation of my time in this house and that will become my official complaint to the union and to HR if you have to take official action yourself.”

Buck frowned. “I don’t need backup, man.”

“Actually, it kind of seems like you do, and I owe you.”

“You know you weren’t that bad, right? You were disdainful, but you weren’t unprofessional when we were out doing the job.”

Liam looked flummoxed. “Buckley, that’s the most unprofessional I’ve been in my entire career with another firefighter, and I’m honestly ashamed of myself. I know that there are firefighters who don’t act on shift with the professionalism the job deserves, but that’s never been me until Lieutenant Howard Han started telling me what a fuckup you are, and how they just hadn’t found cause to get rid of you yet considering your propensity for suing the department. My behavior was bordering on a bullying tactic. Thing is, I’d already worked with you before he ever came back, and I should have listened to my own gut and first-hand experience over my ears.” He shook his head.

“You already apologized, Liam, so let’s just move on.”

“You are way too forgiving, but I’ll take the consideration and follow your lead in how to handle the situation.” He extended his hand again and Buck readily shook it. “Thanks again.”

“Anytime.”

“And you really are an idiot.” He released Buck’s hand. “Five million,” he whispered. Then in a normal tone, added, “Jumping Jesus on a cracker.” He shook his head and pivoted, heading to his pickup truck.

Eddie, who was leaning on the door of Buck’s Jeep, smiled at him. “You’re a good man, Evan Buckley.”

Buck felt his face heat. “Oh my god. Can we not?” He fidgeted from foot to foot at the door of the Jeep, hesitating.

Eddie grinned at him.

The rest of the shift had been rough. There’d been a huge multi-car accident on the freeway at 3:30 that had everyone rolling except Logan, who got to be man behind on the shift from hell.

Buck had worked easily with the crew from the triple—most of them he’d known for years anyway even if they didn’t work as closely. The new people were Anders and Miller, but Anders had never been weird with Buck, and Miller was a probie, so Buck didn’t have much expectation of him anyway. Liam was a rock-solid veteran, of course, but he’d been working with the ladder team on a whole other part of the accident site.

Hen and Eddie had been stiff and uncomfortable with each other, and Buck didn’t even want to know what had gone down after he went to bed. He could guess well enough, but getting confirmation was the last thing he wanted.

But the source of the tension on Eddie’s side…? He didn’t doubt it was because Eddie had defended him, and that made Buck’s decision for him. “I have an appointment before I’m meeting the realtor at my place. You can come with if you want…? It’s probably weird, but it might clear some stuff up. Um. I can drive and bring you back to your truck.”

Eddie smiled at him. “I’d be happy to go anywhere you want.”

“Cool.” They got in the Jeep like it was a day from many months ago where they’d head out for breakfast or to go hang out after a shift. It’d been a long time since they’d done that. Since before the shooting. Since before a lot of things had changed.

Eddie was quiet for a long while before he said, “I’m glad you did, but what prompted you to keep the video?”

“In case Maddie left him.”

Eddie was quiet for a long time. “Oh. Leverage…?”

“Yeah, in case there was a custody dispute. Chim’s pretty obsessed with her, and I can see him being petty and spiteful about custody of their kid if she left him.”

“She still might—once she learns about the assault.”

“She already knows,” Buck said, his tone stiff. “She and I talk even if I don’t get to see her. I worked it out with her therapy team on how to tell her—or rather, how to have her told. She and I talked about it after she’d been informed by her therapist.” Buck glanced over briefly then focused back on the road. Eddie looked a little shocked. “I couldn’t not tell her, Eds. She’s the victim of domestic violence. If I didn’t tell her myself what Chim is capable of when he gets upset and she found out later…? What an immense betrayal.”

“Is she okay?”

“Well, she’s not worse than she was. Still struggling to get leveled out on meds and dealing with therapy, which she hates and resists.”

“And…?”

“You mean is she going to leave him?”

“Yeah.”

“No, I don’t think she is. She made some noise about it for a few minutes, but she was walking that back before our first conversation was over.”

“Damn, Buck. I don’t even know what to say. Do you need to talk about it…?”

“I’m going to. In fact, that’s where we’re going.”

“What? I don’t follow.”

“I have an appointment with Dr. Copeland.” Buck glanced over and grinned and Eddie’s wide-eyed look. “Don’t worry, it’s not going to be group therapy, Eds. She and I are just going to talk about the fallout of me resigning and the stuff with Maddie. I texted her that I might bring you, and if there’s anything I don’t want to talk about in front of you…I just won’t. I mean, you don’t have to go in with me—you can wait outside if you want—take the Jeep or something.” Buck shrugged. “I just thought it’d be one way for you to learn some of the stuff you say you want to—”

“I want to go with you,” Eddie interjected, voice soft but firm. “Whatever you want to tell me, I want to hear.”

Buck couldn’t help but snort in amusement. “Well, that’s probably not true.”

Eddie blew out a noisy breath. “You know those things we don’t poke at each other about? Our vulnerable spots?”

“Yeah?”

“Poke one.”

Buck gave Eddie a startled look then made himself focus on the road. “What in the world are you talking about?”

“Tell me what you think about my parents.”

“Oh my god, Eddie.”

“Just tell me. Be honest. I want to hear whatever you have to say.”

“They’re awful, and their ongoing campaign of parental alienation is a really wretched and insidious form of child abuse.”

“You think they’re abusing me?”

“They’re definitely abusing you, but I was referring to Christopher.”

“Whoa. What?” Eddie sounded alarmed.

“Parental alienation can be classified as a form of child abuse in many states and there’s no doubt that’s what they get up to with all the stuff they tell him about you. It’s gross, it’s unhealthy, and it drives me absolutely bonkers. I get that not everyone is as comfortable as I am with cutting their parents out of their life, so I understand why you keep trying with them, but—”

“You think I’m choosing my relationship with them over my son’s emotional health and wellbeing?”

Buck blew out a breath. “Not on purpose…?”

“Ay DiosAy DiosOh God/Oh my God.” After a long, uncomfortable silence. “Okay, I guess I’m going to need to make a call to Frank. I’m not going to let my issues affect Chris. I was already determined to get him some more help, but maybe…” He sighed. “Yeah, okay. I needed to hear that. I’m sure there’s more about my parents, but let’s table that for when we’re not driving and when we can drink heavily afterward.”

Buck barked out a startled laugh. “Fair. Parents deserve booze.” Buck sighed. “I want my parents to love me, Eddie. You want your parents to love you in a way that’s not so destructive. We’re not really that far apart.”

“No, I guess we’re not.” Eddie took another deep breath. “Ana?”

“Oh my god, really? You want to keep doing this?”

“Well, how much longer is our drive?”

“About ten more minutes.”

“I told you I want to hear what you have to say, and I mean it.”

“Why do you want to talk about your ex-girlfriend?”

“Because I think you had opinions about her that you never voiced.”

“She called you Edmundo.”

“Wow. Simple but sort of right to the core of it, isn’t it?”

“Not really.”

“Oh? What was the core of it, then?”

“Christopher never let her in his bedroom, did he? I mean, I know he relaxed a bit when she took care of him during the blackout, but he was never really comfortable with her in his space.”

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath. “Yeah, okay.” He stared out the window for a couple of minutes. “You took both issues right to Christopher.”

“Well, if I’m going to poke you where you’re vulnerable, Eddie, I’m going to do it in a way that’s going to hopefully be a net positive. You’ve always been willing to do for Christopher what you won’t do for yourself. I’d happily give you a litany of the reasons I didn’t think you and Ana were good together for you, but you were so willing to pretzel yourself into Ana’s boyfriend, no matter how miserable it made you, so I don’t think the negative impact to you when you make questionable decisions matters all that much.”

“But you know Chris…”

“Chris is your true vulnerability, Eds, he always has been, and I just poked it twice. I’d apologize, but I’m not sure I’d mean it considering my motives, though I never want to hurt you. During the blackout, I had to push you hard about the the Ana thing as much for his sake as yours. I was never going to let it slide much longer for him but then you started having fucking panic attacks, and that’s just not on. I think one of the things you never really got was that though Christopher liked Ana, he didn’t trust her. And there are probably two main reasons why.”

“Okay, hit me with it. I know she’s been gone for months, but I think I need to hear this, and I think you need to say it.”

“First, you didn’t trust her.”

Eddie was silent for a long time. “Oh. Well…shit.”

“Chris is perceptive, more than most kids I’ve ever met, and he takes a lot of his emotional cues from you about who is trustworthy.”

Eddie blew out a breath. “And the second reason?”

“She didn’t like me.” Buck lifted one shoulder in an uncomfortable shrug. “He used to tell me that he perceived her words and actions that way, and I’d try to walk it back for your sake, telling him that she doesn’t really know me so I don’t see how she can possibly dislike me, but I wasn’t going to actually outright lie to Chris, so skirting around it was the best I could do.”

“And the truth was?”

“She resented me. She thought in order to have a place in your life that she had to displace me, which isn’t the way that works. All she was doing was alienating Chris, because he’s so stubbornly loyal, yet she kept trying. She wasn’t awful, I’m not saying that, but she was misguided, and her missteps with Chris meant trust was going to be a long time in coming—assuming she actually ever course corrected and fixed her behavior.”

“I don’t think…” Eddie trailed off and was silent for a long time. “I don’t she’s the kind of person who is self-critical of her own actions in that way. She expected everything to change to her preferences, and it was one of the main sticking points with us.”

“So, not just the ready-made family that freaked you out.”

“Ready-made family with her. It wasn’t right, and I could feel it, but I didn’t know how to get out of it. And then it just broke.” After another long pause, Eddie asked, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Like you said, there are some things we just don’t poke. It was this unwritten rule, I guess. Maybe we were both scared of losing…” Buck hesitated. “I was scared of losing you and Chris if I pushed too hard.”

“Maybe we should be more explicit about the difficult topics that we need to tread carefully around, okay? Because I think we’ve been too cautious.”

“That’s fair.”

“Can I poke something?”

Buck almost smiled. “Yeah, okay.”

“You’re really angry, and it’s disquieting in a way I didn’t expect.”

“Oh?”

“I’m so used to you being on this emotional even keel. Almost nothing throws you for long—your wretched parental units visiting being a notable exception—and the depth of your anger is troubling. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be angry or that you need to hide it from me. But I feel this near desperate urge to help and I don’t know how.”

Buck pulled into a driveway, parking in the spot he always did at the side where a parking area had been created. “We’re a few minutes early.”

“This is a house.”

“Yeah, it has a detached garage in the back that she converted into her office.” He pointed out the actual office where the very edge of the detached building could be seen. “But the circular drive was made into this kind of courtyard area since she doesn’t need to access the garage, so if we want to forego masks, she closes the gate, and we have our sessions in the courtyard. It’s a little chilly, but if we wear our jackets, we can do the session outside, which I prefer since I hate doing therapy through a mask. She has a gas firepit she’ll bring out sometimes too.”

“Whatever you want, Buck, I mean that.”

Buck met Eddie’s gaze. “I’m furious, and I’m working on not being so angry. It’s part of why I’m seeing Dr. Copeland so much these days. The steps I’m taking with my career and my home…I didn’t want any of that, but I felt like I had to start making choices for myself. They’re not bad changes, but I resent being put in this position.” Buck blinked back the burning sensation in his eyes. “I’m losing everything, and it’s not fair because I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hey.” Eddie leaned close and took Buck’s hand. “You’re absolutely right that this is not fair, but you are not losing everything. You are not losing me, and you are not losing Christopher, you get me?”

Buck forced a smile. He really wanted that to be true, but part of him wondered how long Eddie’s conviction would last.

“I know you’re probably short on trust right now, but I’m going to remind you that you can trust me with your back.”

Buck wanted that—he wanted it so desperately that the very act of wanting was painful. He settled for a nod.

His phone buzzed with a text that Dr. Copeland was ready for him.

~*~

Eddie listened attentively as Buck walked Dr. Maria Copeland though the last shift and how it had all blown up so spectacularly. Buck laid out everything that had happened from his perspective, and Eddie learned a few things about what had gone on in Bobby’s office.

Dr. Copeland occasionally made notes, but mostly just listened. When Buck got to the conversation with Keane in the parking lot, Copeland nodded and asked, “What was it that inspired you to allow the confrontation over dinner rather than allowing it to pass as you have so many things of late?”

Buck lifted one shoulder. “I got really mad. It was like this flashfire thing where even my brain felt hot, and I was so furious at Bobby that I could barely think straight. He’s been everyone’s captain except mine for quite a while. I think maybe since the shooting; god, he was pissed at me about going up on that crane. But we’ve talked about that before, no need to retread. Anyway, he’s been more like my disapproving father for months over every little thing.

“Chim punched me in the face, and I know I didn’t officially report it to Bobby, but Bobby knew what happened, and he did nothing. And Chim behaved like a douchebag for weeks, and Bobby did nothing. And then he has the nerve to come to the dinner table and ask me in front of the whole crew about my supposed behavior issues? I just lost it.”

“I don’t think your anger is unreasonable, but it was your goal to work on being less impulsive when you were emotionally compromised. How do you think you did there?”

“Way better over dinner. All I did was calmly speak the truth and refuse to back down when Bobby tried to take the matter private. But I did kind of lose it when it came to showing that video. I was mad, and I knew Keane and DeKay were in the room. I probably should have limited the viewing—if I showed it at all.”

Eddie bit the inside of his cheek because he really wanted to say something, but he’d promised to just observe.

“Was the action itself what troubles your or that it was an unplanned action taken without any forethought?”

Buck considered for a few seconds. “The latter. I don’t think showing that video when he’s been openly lying was unwarranted, but impulsive like that…? It’s what we’re trying not to do.”

“While I think your goal of not making rash decisions, especially during stressful situations, is a good one, you can’t actually expect yourself to be in perfect control all the time. Perhaps the next stage of our work is how to handle it when you feel like you have been impulsive. Because treating a normal reaction like it’s a failure could perhaps be demoralizing.”

Buck gnawed on his lip for a few seconds and then nodded. “That’s fair. I guess I feel like I fuck up a lot, so how to bounce back from that without spiraling would be good.”

“Are you spiraling about last night?”

“I think…I’m still mad?”

“Is that a true question? Do you not know if you’re angry?”

“I’m angry.” Buck sighed. “I just don’t want to be.”

“Anger isn’t a comfortable emotion for you.”

“No, but I feel like I’m marinating in it lately.”

“Anger can be a healthy expression to a circumstance in your life. Pushing down that emotion and refusing to deal with it can make it bigger and more vibrant when you don’t have a choice but to let it through.”

Buck gave her an unimpressed look. “You want to talk about Maddie.”

Copeland smiled. “We’ve discussed repeatedly that you have every right to be angry with your sister.”

“She can’t help what’s going on with her mood.”

“She can’t help her condition but she’s still responsible for the choices she makes. She can be in a difficult situation, and you can be hurt and angry by the choices she made. These two things can co-exist. We’ve discussed that before too, so why are you backtracking on whether you’re allowed to be angry with her?”

Buck blew out a breath. “I talked to her the day before yesterday about the whole Chimney situation. I don’t think she’s going to leave him. She made noises about it at first, but at the end of it, she was talking about couple’s therapy.”

“And what do you think about that?”

“I wanted her to leave him!”

“Why’s that?”

“Because she doesn’t deserve to be with another man who would hit a family member in anger.” Buck dragged his hand through his hair, disordering the curls. “I know he’s not Doug, but where do these things start and end? How many people have justified domestic violence by starting off saying ‘oh, he’s not that bad’? I mean, the guy stalked her around the country for fuck’s sake!

“I don’t think Maddie knows how to be alone. She landed in this relationship with Chimney so fast after Doug, and it’s kind of weird, right? It’s weird that she wasn’t even divorced from an abusive man that she was literally hiding from when she was falling into that sort of not-dating-dating thing they were doing. And then on their first date, Doug tries to kill Chim, abducts Maddie, nearly kills her, and she’s forced to kill him. That put the brakes on her relationship with Chim but not for long. She blew off therapy in record time and then started dating him again. Said the bombing made her realize how short life is. That’s weird, right?”

“It seems…odd, but she’s not my patient. You are. What do you think about it?”

“I think it’s weird and codependent and Chim enables the fuck out of every bad habit Maddie has. And I really think she doesn’t know how to be alone.” Buck shook his head, looking emotionally wrung out. “She still can’t talk about Jee at all, but she’s all up in my business, second guessing everything I do and say, and I’m just…tired.”

Eddie knew Buck was aware of his presence, but he was careful to not even move. It was weird to get this insight into how Buck thought and felt about his relationship with his sister.

“When we talk about your sister, we’re looking at her through your lens of your life experiences and your wants and desires. So, let’s really look at it through your lens. What do you want from your relationship with Maddie?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s look at it a couple of ways. What would your ideal relationship with your sister look like and what do you think the minimum healthy relationship with her would look like?”

“Maybe the second one is easier to answer…?”

“Okay. What’s the minimum you can accept in a healthy relationship from your sister?”

“I think she’s got to see me as an adult, with full agency to make my own decisions. So, I think there’s got to be a lot of mutual respect. I’d want her to accept my feelings about our parents and not push her narrative about them on me.” Buck frowned and bit at his lower lip. “I can’t think of much else that’s the bare minimum.”

“That’s pretty reasonable.” Copeland made a few notes. “Basically you want respect and mutual regard.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, what about your idealized relationship? If you could have anything, what would that look like?”

“I…don’t know.”

“Are you sure? Even if it’s unreasonable, there’s not something you want from Maddie?”

Buck bit his lip again.

“What’s the first thing that comes to mind?”

“I want her to break up with Chimney.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t want her with a man who would lash out at his family in violence.”

“That’s a misdirect. That’s about her emotional and physical health and wellbeing; that’s not about her relationship with you. Why would you want her to break up with Chimney as it pertains to you?”

Buck’s jaw muscles flexed, and he finally said, “Because I want her to pick me.”

“Tell me about that.”

Buck looked away blinking rapidly. “I want her to look at the situation and say, ‘someone hurt you, that’s not okay, and I choose you.’ It’s not reasonable and it’s selfish, and I know that—I know it, okay?—but it’d be nice, you know? For once in my fucking life to have someone pick me.” Buck swiped at his eyes. “God. This sucks.”

“I know, but you did really well, Evan.” She passed him a tissue box, then continued without missing a beat. “Let’s look at that scenario. Is Maddie capable of meeting that secret wish you have?”

Buck shook his head, wiping at his nose and sniffling a little. “No, and if she did leave him, it’d be for herself or Jee, which is the way it should be.”

Eddie felt his heart break a little because he did think Maddie should dump Chim for no other reason than that he’d dare to lay a hand on her brother.

“So, let’s look at the very reasonable framework you’d have for a healthy relationship with your sister: mutual regard and respect, particularly respect for your choices and agency as an adult. Do you think Maddie is capable of giving you that relationship?”

Buck frowned and looked lost in thought for a long time. Finally, he shook his head. “No, I don’t think she can. Not at this stage in her life, and it has nothing to do with the PPD; she doesn’t see a flaw in how we interact, and I do. She’s never been willing to entertain the idea that she might be overstepping with me no matter what I’ve said.”

“Then that’s something we have to work on.”

“In what way?”

“Working through the grief that you can’t have the relationship with your sister that you want—and that you may never have it. Acceptance of the relationship you do have so that you can appreciate what she does bring to your life rather than seeing it only for what it lacks. And, finally, how to enforce your boundaries because if the bare minimum for a healthy relationship can’t be met then you must be able to more diligently police your boundaries so that the points of interaction are less frequent and less likely to be destructive. When you’ve identified something as unhealthy, to let it continue to exist in your life in the same state is to allow it to become something that can fester into a toxic situation that may be even more difficult to manage. As difficult as this work is, it’s better to resolve it now than to allow it to become more destructive.”

Eddie felt like he was sitting in Buck’s chair and this whole conversation was about his own parents. It made him want to run for the hills because he largely managed his boundaries with his parents through distance, and he knew it was insufficient.

Buck was frowning, but he nodded slowly. “I get it, and I see what you’re talking about, but it’s Maddie.”

“Even if Maddie were truly the only person in your life, which we know that she is not, do you truly want to create the precedent for yourself that having something unhealthy is better than having nothing at all?”

Buck made a face. “You’re throwing my own words back at me.”

“It’s one of my great joys as a therapist.”

Buck glanced at Eddie, acknowledging Eddie’s presence for the first time. “I said that about Abby early in our sessions. That I’d rather be alone than be in an unhealthy relationship like what I had going on with Abby.” Buck huffed. “Dirty pool, Doc.”

“It’s your therapy, Buck. You’re the one who set your main priorities as the job and your sister.”

Buck sighed and slouched down in the chair. “I know on a deep level that Maddie will never choose me. And I’m a grown ass man, I shouldn’t need her to choose me.”

“So, we’re back to pie in the sky. What is this bringing up for you? When did you want her to choose you and she didn’t?”

“I wanted her to get me out of that house,” Buck admitted, looking almost startled by the revelation. He took a deep breath. “It’s not fair, because she’s not actually my mother and she was just a kid herself.” He nodded. “You’re right. I need to accept what we can have and let go of all the things we can’t have.” Buck’s gaze briefly flicked to Eddie. “I guess I need to work on that in more than one area, yeah? I’ve always clung too hard to people, hoping that they’ll want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs, and it’s probably not fair when I get disappointed that they don’t meet my expectations.”

Eddie felt that proclamation settle like lead, and he had to remind himself not to intrude.

“So, where do we start, Doc?”

“In regard to Maddie, how about before our next session you make a list of the good things that are in your relationship. We can work on learning to accept the relationship for what it is rather than we wish it to be. Starting with an understanding of where we actually are certainly helps. But I’d also like you to consider the things you’re disappointed by—even if they seem petty or selfish or small-minded. This is your therapy, not anyone else’s, and you’re allowed to express the things you feel. As I remind you constantly, feelings are not facts, but they are very real. They are often not all that rational or even grounded in reality, but that doesn’t mean we can dismiss them as not real.

“Additionally, since you brought up working on accepting the reality of other relationships as they truly are, I’d like you to make a list of what those relationships are. I certainly have some guesses, but ultimately, that priority is yours to set.”

Buck nodded. “Okay.”

“Wonderful. We have a few minutes left, and you’ll have another shift before I see you again, so let’s talk about any concerns you have and strategize about any potential problems you see arising.”

Eddie continued to listen to Buck and Copeland talk about getting through the next shift and dealing with teammates and their expectations, but all he could think about was that he was on that list of people who Buck was going to work on figuring out how to accept not getting what he wanted.

It made him feel a little bit ill and a lot pissed off.

Chapter Five

“Eddie, this is Imani Nazari. She’s the realtor selling my loft.” Buck introduced the two, not sure where Eddie’s head was, but they needed to get through this before they could talk. Eddie had been too quiet since they left Copeland, and it was unsettling.

Eddie smiled stiffly and shook her hand. “Pleasure, ma’am.”

She nodded but kept her focus on him. “The loft is lovely, Buck. The sale will be extremely easy. It’s practically show-ready now. I’m going to make a list of the things I’d like removed before showing, but it’s not much.”

He followed her around the loft, answering questions, making a few notes on his phone about some of her suggestions for staging.

“The two full bathrooms is an amazing detail for a loft. Based on comps, I’m going to suggest we list around five-ninety. I think we’ll easily get asking.”

“Wow. Okay. You know I trust you on that.”

“Wonderful, let’s sign some paperwork. I’ll send you my notes. I’d like to do an open house this weekend. We try to keep everything under control, but do follow the suggestions about valuables to remove from the home, all right?”

“Will do.”

A half hour later, Buck closed the doors behind Imani, tapping his fingers against it a few times in preparation for whatever was to come. Eddie had clearly been gearing up to something—Buck had known him for too long to not know when Eddie was about to become very verbal. Buck just wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear whatever it was.

He turned and forced a bright smile. “So…? What’s next? I texted Ray already and gave him your contact info. I know you said you wanted to talk…?” He positioned himself on the opposite side of the kitchen island from Eddie, leaning down to brace his hands.

Eddie stared at him for a few seconds then blurted out, “I don’t want our relationship to be something you just accept as being a disappointment.”

Buck blinked in shock. “What?”

Swallowing heavily, Eddie gestured between them. “That doesn’t have to be us. We don’t have to let it be us.”

“Eds…” Buck ran his hand over his head. “I wasn’t talking about—”

“But you were. You said that just once in your life you wanted someone to pick you.” Eddie stopped abruptly and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds, obviously getting himself together. “We did pick you, Buck; it wasn’t just you picking us. I fucked up, okay, and I am so so damn sorry. I truly thought I was giving you what you wanted—the illusion that everything could be the same.”

Buck could take that on board and got it, but… “There was more than work.” They’d touched on some of it in the car ride, but this had been building for a long time.

“I know. Believe me, I know. You see me better than anyone I’ve ever known and even though you stay away from the taboo topics, you’ll get all up in my face over everything else.” Eddie blew out a breath that sounded pained. “I feel like I’m drowning, Buck. I knew you’d be all over it, and I just wasn’t ready to deal with it.”

Buck felt stung. “I can take a no, Eddie.”

“That’s not what I mean. Dios, I’m saying this all wrong. It was never about you, okay? I get like this—all up in my head and stuck—and I fight against the things that will help.”

“I don’t understand why you’re suddenly willing to say all this.”

“Because you leaving shocked me right out of my own stubbornness. I can’t have you just walk away!”

“I’m not walking away from you—”

“You are!” Eddie actually looked close to tears. “Maybe you don’t realize how emotionally withdrawn you are, but it’s like you and I are are auditioning for Freaky Friday here.”

Buck frowned. “I don’t know what that means.”

Eddie huffed a laugh that sounded like it was half sob. “God, I’ve missed you.”

That impulsive expression of sentiment actually got through to Buck more than anything, and he felt something warm settle in his belly.

“It means that it’s like we’re changing places. You’re withdrawing emotionally and I’m…getting expressive, I guess. I just know that I’ll do whatever it takes to stop this from getting worse. And then we have to fix it.” Eddie braced his weight on the island so that they were actually closer together despite the metal and granite between them. “But, Buck, I need you to meet me halfway here. I know there’s more than work that’s messed up, and I’m more worried about the personal stuff anyway. I’m more concerned about fixing us than anything to do with the job, but I need you in order to do that.”

Buck frowned. “There’s been a lot of stuff…things we both haven’t said, I think. But, Eddie, it goes back a ways, and we’re not going to solve it this morning.”

“Just tell me we are going to solve it.”

Buck knew Eddie was asking for a big commitment here. Buck had spent weeks emotionally detaching from the 118, getting ready for starting over, and Eddie’s ask was pretty big. But it was Eddie. “Okay.”

“Can you at least tell me when things went awry…in your mind?”

Buck blew out a breath. “Wow. Okay, I don’t think we’re ready for that part of the discussion.” Buck glanced away and tried to steady his emotions. “Let’s just get back to being us and get through the next few weeks. I think small conversations to start, and we’ll work up, okay?”

Eddie’s gaze was intense. “Then move in with us.”

Buck’s mouth dropped open. “What in the world are you talking about?”

“I know how much of a hassle living in a place you’re trying to keep show-ready is, and you can stay with us while you look for a new place. You said you planned to rent furnished, but you can just live with me and Chris. That will give us plenty of time and opportunity to start working on our personal stuff.”

“Eddie that could take months. The market is great to sell, but the buyer’s market blows right now.”

“I don’t care if it takes years.”

Buck huffed and gave Eddie an unimpressed look. “Honestly, your couch sucks to sleep on at my height, man, and I’m not living in your living room for months. Almost any couch would be shit for that long; I’m too damn tall.”

“We’ll clean out the spare room,” Eddie said without missing a beat.

“What spare room?”

“It’s tiny, which is why we’ve been using it as a storage closet. I think they called it a third bedroom just so they could jack up the rent. We can move everything to the garage. The room won’t fit a queen, but we can get an extra-long twin in there. Hell, I can move in there, and you can have my room.”

“Fuck no, Eds. I’m not taking your room.”

“Just…take the room.” Eddie’s expression was tight. “Please, Buck. You don’t know… I have no right to really feel this way, but it was like my foundation got rocked, and I need to fix this.”

More than anything, Buck hated to see Eddie so fucking desperate. “You’ll get some help for whatever’s been eating you up inside?”

Eddie nodded. “I said I would, and I meant it.” Buck knew Eddie hated therapy with a fiery passion, so he felt the need to push the issue. He could talk to Eddie endlessly but, at the end of the day, Buck wasn’t a therapist, and shouldn’t ever try to act in lieu of one. It would ultimately be damaging to their friendship.

Buck blew out a breath and glanced away. “We’ll try it.” He wasn’t sure if this was the best or worst idea he’d ever had. “I don’t want Chris to get his hopes up about me living there, so please be sure he understands that it’s just while I’m house hunting.”

“Neither one of us wants Chris to get hurt, so we’ll be careful,” Eddie agreed. “Just as long as he doesn’t lose you from his life when you move out, that’s all that matters.”

Buck gave him a sharp look. “Chris will never lose me.”

“But I might?” Eddie asked softly.

“It’s not what I want, Eddie. It’s never, ever what I’d want.”

Eddie nodded. “That’s good enough for me to work with.” He pushed himself away from the island. “Start packing your personal stuff. We can get the room cleared out to the garage with probably an hour of work, hit a furniture store for a bed, and have this all done before Chris is out of school.”

“You want to do this now?” Buck asked incredulously.

“Hell yeah. I’m not giving you time to get into one of your thought spirals and talk yourself out of this. I’m taking you home with me right now.”

Buck felt his cheeks flush. “Eddie…”

“Nope. No arguments. Pack your bags, Buckley. We’ve got a lot to do before Chris gets out of school.” Eddie glanced around. “While you do that, I’ll take all the stuff Imani identified as needing to be removed for the showing down to the Jeep. We can stash it in the garage.” Eddie gestured to Buck’s bicycle hanging by the front door. “I’ll start with that.”

Buck felt utterly steamrolled as Eddie go to work. Then he found himself smiling a bit, not sure he minded being steamrolled in this instance.

~*~

Buck dropped the last box in Eddie’s garage, grimacing at the mess they were making in their haste. “I’m giving you fair warning that I’m going to organize your garage. How the hell do you ever find anything in all this?”

Eddie stared at him. “I don’t. Who ever finds stuff in their garage?”

Buck huffed. “You kept a room in your house full of stuff you never got into?” Eddie was compulsively neat about his house, but he was somehow okay with not having any idea where any of his stored items were. That was so bizarre to Buck.

Eddie fidgeted for a few seconds, glancing around at the chaos they’d made of the garage. “It started off as overflow of stuff we might need—holiday stuff, winter clothes, suitcases. Then I…” He cleared his throat. “I needed a place to stick Shannon’s things.”

“Jesus.” Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, man. I’ll leave it all alone.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Eddie said abruptly, sounding and looking frustrated. “We gotta stop trying to read each other’s minds because, apparently, off the job, we kinda suck at it.”

Buck gave a startled laugh. “We didn’t used to, but I get your meaning.”

“Yeah.” Eddie touched one box lid. “That room started to become this huge thing I never dealt with, you know? I pulled out the stuff we used all the time, like our suitcases and the Christmas decorations, and I kept shoving everything I never wanted to deal with in there.”

Buck made a face. “Like, in therapy, we talk about shoving our feelings in a box and not dealing with them. I didn’t think people did that literally.”

Eddie’s lips twitched in amusement. “I guess I did do that.” He looked around again. “But I’d like to deal with it. I need to move on from all this stuff weighing me down. And, Buck, as painful as some of this may be, and as much as I’ve been avoiding that room, I never hesitated about this offer because fixing this thing between us means more to me than avoiding my past.”

Buck glanced away, blinking furiously, and nodded. “I hear you.” He looked back and met Eddie’s steady gaze. “Thank you for telling me all that.”

Eddie just nodded, then he took a deep breath and gestured to the boxes and crates again. “And I really don’t mind some help with this. I need to figure out what’s not worth keeping and what I should save for Chris.”

“And for yourself?”

Eddie shook his head. “No, I’ve got the few things of Shan’s that I need. She and I were honestly done long before the accident, and holding on to her things for myself seems…misplaced. All of this was for Christopher and then me not wanting to dig in and deal with it.” He blew out a sharp breath. “I guess I’ve gotten good at avoiding things.”

“But we can work on it together, yeah?” Buck desperately needed to extend that olive branch because as much as he was struggling in feeling unmoored in his own life, the last thing he wanted was for Eddie to be hurting. Anything Buck could do to help, to make it better, he wanted to do.

“I’d like that.” He glanced at his watch. “But that’s not for today. That place that said they have the bed you want in stock…didn’t they say you could pick the bed up at their warehouse after noon?”

“Yep.”

“Then let’s get a move on. We also have to pick up that order you placed at Bed Bath & Beyond for bedding and get things going before picking up Chris at 2:30.”

“Okay, then” Buck rubbed his hands together, his enthusiasm somewhat feigned. He still wasn’t sure living with Eddie and Chris was a good idea, but he desperately wanted to fix things in some area of his life. Taking the chance felt huge, and it might hurt worse down the road, but Eddie and Chris had always been worth it. “And food, right? I’m starving here, Eds.”

Eddie laughed. “Of course food, you bottomless pit.”

~*~

Buck had just finished making the bed when he heard the truck in the drive. After doing the pickups, they’d decided to divide and conquer with Buck finishing the room setup and laundry while Eddie went to pick up Chris and then go on a grocery run so Buck could make dinner. Eddie had made it clear he wouldn’t tell Chris about Buck’s presence until after the grocery shopping otherwise Chris would never let them even get in the front door of Von’s.

The room was ready for him for tonight, though he’d need to bring more of his stuff over. It was as small as Eddie said, and definitely not big enough for anything but a twin unless you wanted wall-to-wall bed. But he had a dresser they’d picked up at IKEA, the bed, and a bookshelf. It would be sufficient and much better than the damn couch that was half a foot too short.

He’d already called Imani and arranged to fax over his most recent inspection from when he bought the place and give her keys. He explained that he’d be living elsewhere while the loft was on the market. She was confident the loft would move quickly, which was great but also left Buck feeling even more unsettled as the loft represented a point of security. Everything was piling up to make him feel more unsettled and unstable than he had in a long time.

“Bucky!” Christopher’s yell echoed through the house. Buck’s Jeep was in the driveway, so it was pretty obvious he was there.

Buck crossed the few steps to clear the hallway and entered the living room. “Hey, Superman.”

“You’re here!” Christopher practically threw himself at Buck, crutches clattering on the ground. Buck caught him easily and lifted him up in a bear hug, realizing it’d been at least a couple of weeks since he’d seen Chris, which made his heart hurt all over again.

“I’ve missed you, bud,” Buck whispered against Chris’ hair.

“I’ve missed you too.” Chris clung to Buck’s shoulders. “You’re staying for dinner, right? Because Dad bought Bok choy and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know how to eat that much less cook it.”

“Hey!” Eddie said with false indignation as he entered with the bags of groceries. “I eat it just fine when someone else cooks it.”

“Yeah, I’m staying for dinner. In fact,” Buck met Eddie’s gaze, getting a nod, “Your Dad offered to let me stay for a little while. I’m going to be moving and need to find a new house.”

Chris pulled back enough to blink at Buck. “You’re moving? Wait. You’re staying? Yes, stay!”

Buck laughed and tossed Chris over his shoulder, taking him into the kitchen to keep Eddie company while he put the dishes away. Chris laughed and held onto Buck’s shirt.

He plopped Chris at the kitchen table then sat across from him. “I was thinking about looking for a house.” He decided not to broach his job change quite yet. “The market’s really good for selling right now, so your dad offered to let me stay in the spare room while the loft sells and then I look for a new place.”

Christopher blinked at him. “We have a spare room?”

“The storage room,” Eddie supplied.

“Whoa, Dad’s making you sleep in the closet?”

Buck burst out laughing as Eddie started muttering lowly in Spanish. “It’s got a closet in it, so I don’t think it can be accurately characterized a closet even if it’s small.”

Christopher grinned. “You’re really staying?”

“For a while, yeah. We cleaned the storage room out today and setup my bed and everything.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure.” He exchanged a quick glance with Eddie, getting a distracted wave.

Christopher peered around Buck’s new room and gave Buck a dubious look. “It’s so small. You’re the biggest person I know and now you have the smallest bedroom.” His nose scrunched up. “Maybe I should move in here; I don’t need much space.”

“No.” Buck sat on the bed, patting it to indicate Chris should sit too. “For starters, this is not forever. It’s a place to sleep, and I’m grateful. You do a lot of things in your room like study and play, and there’s no room in here for that. I just sleep in my room.” That wasn’t strictly true, but there was no way Buck was bringing a hookup back to Eddie’s place. “I’ll be perfectly fine in this room, so don’t worry about me.”

Chris looked around the room and rubbed his chest a little as he bit his lower lip. “Are you sure?”

Buck knelt down in front of Chris and took both of his hands. “You want to talk to me about what you’re feeling right now?”

“I just…worry.”

“What are you worried about, buddy?”

“I just want you to be happy. What if you’re not happy and you go away and I don’t get to see you anymore? What if the bed is too small and you don’t get enough sleep and it gets you hurt at work? What if it’s too crowded here and you don’t want to spend time with me…” Chris kept rambling out worries, getting more nonsensical as he went. The list was way too long to have heaped on Christopher in the short time he’d known Buck would be staying there. And he kept circling back to Buck being safe at work.

When Chris had wound down a bit, Buck squeezed his hands, “I know someone telling you not to worry doesn’t make the worries go away, so how about we try to counter some of them, huh? One of the reasons why we did the room is because I knew I wouldn’t sleep well on the couch long term. This mattress is the same brand as I sleep on at home. Same length, just narrower. I’ll sleep just fine. I know from my own past history that I’ve had less sleep space than this and been perfectly okay. When I move, it will be because my house is ready and you will have seen the house. Also, I’m at my happiest when I’m with you and your dad, so I’m not going to be miserable and go away because of anything to do with the room or you.”

Chris’ eyes filled with tears. “Then where have you been?”

“Ah, Chris, I’m so sorry.” He pulled Christopher into a hug. “I messed up. I’ve had some problems, and I tried to solve them all on my own rather than letting my family support me the way I should have. That kept me away, but you’re more important to me than anything, so I should have set that all aside sometimes and still had my Christopher time.”

Chris sat back and knuckled the tears away. “What happened? Can I help?”

There were some deep anxiety issues going on and Buck didn’t want to make things worse, but he felt like it wasn’t going to help to lie or keep Chris in the dark. However, he also didn’t think putting burdens on Chris where he thought he needed to come up with solutions was a good idea at all.

“It’s not even my problems, really,” Buck said carefully. “My sister has been having a lot of issues, and I haven’t really been able to see her. It seems like there’s nothing I can do to help. It’s been making me kind of sad and miserable because I like to try to fix things if I can, but there’s nothing I can do about this.”

“Oh.” Chris sounded subdued and stared at his hands.

“I’m sorry I got wrapped up in my own head about everything. It’s certainly better to spend time with the people you care about, doing the things you enjoy and living your life than stewing in your own misery. It’s just hard to see that in the moment. I really hate feeling there’s nothing I can do, you know?”

Chris nodded his head sharply. “Yeah.” He bit his lip. “Maybe we can keep talking about it sometimes?”

“About how it’s hard to not be able to fix things?” Buck clarified.

Chris nodded again.

“Yeah, we can do that, bud. Anytime you want.

Chris threw himself at Buck. “I’ve missed you,” he whispered.

Buck blew out a breath. It hadn’t been that long since he’d seen Chris, but clearly a little anxiety problem could turn into a huge anxiety problem in a short period of time.

“Everything will be all right, kiddo,” Buck said softly.

~*~

Eddie handed Buck a beer then sat on the couch, mirroring Buck’s position so that they were facing one another. “I thought it’d be harder to get Chris to go to bed tonight with all his excitement, but he exhausted himself on his enthusiasm.”

Buck smiled. It had been a good evening. Carefree in a lot of ways, reminiscent of movie nights of the past, but with an undercurrent in his head of all the looming issues.

“I overheard part of your conversation when you and he were talking in your room earlier.”

“I know. I heard you come down the hall when we were talking.”

“I knew he was struggling, but that…” Eddie shook his head and took a long drink of his beer.

“Anxiety is part of how his brain interacts with the world. If he hasn’t got constructive outlets for it, he’s going to get fretful.”

Eddie picked at the label on his beer bottle, not meeting Buck’s gaze. “What do you think the source is?”

“Honestly?”

“When it comes to Christopher?” Eddie met his gaze head on. “Always.”

“He started having more issues after you were shot. He was managing it and he’d seen a therapist a couple of times, but I’m not sure it was ever really dealt with.” Buck glanced away. “For any of us.”

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath. “Okay. Well, that’s…a lot.”

“Yeah. I’m not saying that’s all it is, but a lot of little things that I think he’d normally be able to process okay pile on top of that and suddenly he can’t deal.”

Eddie nodded. “He’s been a little resistant to therapy I’d figured he needed to keep going over the summer, but he started saying he didn’t want to go. I thought maybe he was done with it.”

“It could be that you weren’t going…? Or possibly that he doesn’t like his therapist…? Trust me, when you don’t click with your therapist, going can be more harm than help.”

Eddie bit his lip. “Would you be willing to do that thing you did with me today with him? Not talk about adult stuff but maybe arrange to do a therapy session he can sit in on where he hears you talking about your problems.” Eddie made a face. “That’s probably crossing a line.”

“No, it’s fine. If you think modeling a constructive therapy session would be good for him, I’m fine with it. He’d know if I was faking it, so I’d need to talk to Dr. C and figure out some topics that are kid friendly and how far to take it in front of him. Talk about the things he already knows I’m working on. I couldn’t just wing it the way I did with you. I only gave her minimal heads up that you were joining me.”

“Thanks, Buck. He takes some things better from you, I think. He opens up to you in ways he just won’t with me.”

“He’s scared of disappointing you.”

Eddie’s face twisted into something unpleasant.

“I don’t mean that in a ‘you’re an overbearing, hard to please parent’ kind of way, Eds, so don’t take on. You’re…the center of his whole world, and he wants to make you proud and happy. I also think—” Buck hesitated.

“Just say it.”

“It’s poking at one of those areas we don’t poke.”

“If it’s for Chris, you have my permission to poke.”

“I think your parents have baked in some rhetoric about how he’s a burden to you, so even though he knows logically that that’s not true, emotionally he worries about it when he’s already stressed out and less likely to be able to make rational decisions. He doesn’t have that underlying concern with me.”

Eddie squeezed his eyes shut. “I have got to be more overt in my will about their behavior so that if anything ever happens to me, they have zero chance of fighting you in court.”

“After you told me about the will, I kind of looked into things a bit…”

“Oh?”

“You could hire a private custody evaluator. Your attorney should be able to find someone who is qualified to function as a court-appointed evaluator. Hiring a private evaluator has less weight if they’re not someone the court would lend credence to. I mean, normally this would be done during a custody dispute, but you can frame it such that you have a job that comes with risks, and you want to be sure that your parents don’t have grounds to contest your will in regard to custody, especially since you worry ongoing that they might sue for custody or formalized visitation anyway. Also, getting ahead of that with documenting their behavior would be beneficial. But Chris will need to be ready to speak honestly about how he’d feel about living with his grandparents. I’m not sure he’s ready for that right now.”

“That’s probably true, but I think he could be ready fairly quickly.” Eddie shook his head. “I think he’s been feeling off kilter. We all have been. Fixing our mess,” he gestured between the two of them, “is going to help him.”

“Fair enough.” Buck cocked his head to the side. “Did going with me to see Dr. C this morning help you?”

“Yeah.” Eddie took another drink of his beer. “It made me see that I don’t think I’ve gelled with my therapists in the past, but I’m not sure if that’s on me or not. I’m pretty stubborn.”

“That you are.”

Eddie’s lips twitched in amusement.

Buck set his beer bottle on the table and then pulled a card from his jeans’ pocket. “If it helps, this is the guy I saw for a while after the shooting. Dr. C is my primary therapist, but she recommended him to get some trauma counseling. I think you might gel with him.”

Eddie turned the card over in his hand. Dr. Isaiah Thomas. “Why him?”

“He specializes in integrative psychotherapy, which basically means he has a lot of tools at his disposal that he’s trained in. He’s a vet, so I think you’ll relate on that front. He specializes in trauma therapy, specifically, but deals with a wide variety of issues. If you’re not comfortable sitting and talking, you guys can go for walks or do your sessions using the heavy bags or—and I know this is unlikely, though he and I did several of these sessions—he can do yoga with you.”

Eddie blinked and stared.

“Yep. He’s very adaptable about finding a situation and circumstance that will help you figure out how to open up. He won’t do full-on spar during a session as he says that doing deep work, even with pads on, while people are hitting each other is a recipe for disaster, but he does refer a lot of people to an MMA gym frequented by a lot of vets and retired civil servants.”

“Huh.” Eddie cocked his head. “Did you go to the gym?”

“I honestly don’t do well with sparring. I know how, and I’ve gotten in the ring with Maddie with pads on, but it’s not my favorite thing. He and I tired the heavy bag when I mentioned that I used it at work sometimes when I was frustrated, but I clammed up more using the bag, which is how we wound up doing yoga. I think you’ll like him. Well, no. I think you’ll hate him at first. He’s very blunt and he’ll push you like whoa, but I think you’ll work well together in the long run. I don’t think you do well with someone pussyfooting around your issues.” Buck shifted and rolled his shoulders. “I’m not trying to be intrusive, but you’d said a few times that therapy was on the table, and I thought maybe a better fit would make it—”

“This is good, Buck, thank you. Frank is fine, I think, but… I don’t know. It just wasn’t working for me to sit there in that little office yapping about my life. Hell, even the way you were out in that courtyard with Dr. Copeland was better.” Eddie pocketed the card. “But also, hearing about some of what’s been going on with you—unfiltered Buck, as it were—was very helpful.”

“In what way?”

“It hit home that we haven’t really talked in a while. We talk about the day-to-day stuff—mundane shit—but we haven’t gotten deep in a minute.” Eddie hesitated. “You’re talking to Maddie?”

Buck nodded. “More than I let anyone know. She’s clinging like a lifeline since she’s avoiding talking to Chim.” He blew out a breath. “When she’s stable, she’ll go back to happily living her life and won’t need anything from me.” His smile was rueful. “I’m starting to see the patterns. Dr. C has been slowly drilling it into my head. I can’t keep on this merry-go-round with her, and I know that. You weren’t wrong that I cling to her like she’s all I have, and that was never fair. Because you and Christopher—hell, even Bobby for all that things there are a bit of a mess—have been more stable in my life than Maddie has been since she was eighteen.”

Eddie cocked a brow. “That long?”

“She was desperate to get away from home and never came back as much as she said she would. Calls started to dwindle. I was dug in, though, and called her so much she had to duck me a fair bit. When I got older, she just refused to let me come to her house. With the benefit of adult hindsight, I think she was shielding me from Doug or me possibly seeing the reality of what was going on.”

“You think the abuse started right away?”

“I think it started early in their marriage, but I think him being controlling and gaslighting her started almost immediately.” Buck considered for a few seconds. “Maddie always wanted to be a doctor, and suddenly her education trust was going to Doug, and she was going into nursing. She claimed she found more satisfaction in being a nurse, but everything with Doug is sus, especially when you consider that her money went to him.”

“Yeah, I’d have come to the same conclusion. So, you’ve talked to her enough to be pretty sure that’s she’ll…?”

“Go back to Chim? Yeah. She was appalled about the punch at first, but I think she’s terrified of being on her own. She’s finding ways to rationalize it as an isolated event that doesn’t have anything to do with her.”

“Except that you’re her brother.”

“Yeah, except for that.” Buck blew out a breath and grabbed his beer, taking a deep swallow. “For her sake, I didn’t want her to be with someone who would resort to interpersonal violence, regardless of the amount of stress he was under. I don’t know how she can reconcile that. But what I do know is that I don’t want him near me, and if that’s the choice she makes…” he trailed off and shrugged.

“You sound like you’ve already worked through a lot of it. Even to the point that you’ve started letting go.”

Buck shrugged. “I had to in order to be ready to basically start over. I feel like I’m going to have to keep Maddie at a distance to keep myself mentally healthy, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m waiting to have any of that conversation with her until she’s coping better—we’re focusing on her critical needs while her hormones and meds get straightened out—but her therapist already has it on the agenda that she and I will have a mediated sit down of what it means that she’s choosing to be with Chim.” Buck shook his head. “I doubt I’ll ever get to really know Jee.” His voice sounded thick with emotion, and Eddie watched as a tear fell and hit the back of Buck’s hand.

He couldn’t imagine the pain of the choices Buck was having to make. “Come here.” He reached out and pulled Buck to him in a tight embrace, the contact bringing forcefully to mind how they used to be touchier with each other, and he wasn’t even sure when that stopped.

Buck let himself be pulled close but was still in Eddie’s arms for a long time, then his arms curled around Eddie’s waist, and he held on tight.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you during in all this,” Eddie whispered against Buck’s hair.

Buck nodded. “No more apologies—let’s move forward. Just please… I can’t take it if you guys vanish on me, Eds.”

“We won’t, Buck. I swear.” He held on a little tighter, vowing to prove what he was saying. “Obras son amores, que no buenas razonesObras son amores, que no buenas razones actions speak louder than words,” he whispered.

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