Reading Time: 122 Minutes

Title: Love Can Heal, Loving Can Mend Your Soul
Author: Bythia
Fandom: 9-1-1: Lone Star
Genre: Contemporary, Pre-Relationship, Romance
Relationship(s): Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Content Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Michelle Blake bashing, Discussion of Canon Addiction, Discussion of Canon Schizophrenia
Beta: starlitenite, librarycat9
Word Count: 123,500
Summary: On Iris’s birthday three years after she went missing, Carlos reaches the end of his rope with Michelle’s behavior. Complaining about it to a friend has much more far-reaching consequences than he could have anticipated.
Artist: librarycat9

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Chapter 11

“This is what I call a hike!” Paul declared when Carlos and he settled on the ground at the side of the trail for a break.

Carlos laughed and shook his head. They had left Austin early in the morning before the sun had risen and made the one hour drive out to Pedernales Falls State Park to start their hike nearly with the first light of day. The way Paul had talked about hiking with his friends from Chicago had made it clear that he missed the challenge of it, and Carlos had decided to show him he could find it near Austin as well.

“The kind of trek I have planned for us today would be very challenging for someone who isn’t used to hiking,” Carlos said. “I think every single person on your team would be completely lost if we had taken them with us today. Honestly, the River Place Nature Trail you chose for the team hike is already a pretty tough trail for beginners even if it’s not a very long trail overall.”

Paul sighed. “Yeah, I got that. But they all managed it, and they had fun in the end. Sometimes you need to push people beyond their comfort zone.”

“Sometimes,” Carlos agreed. “But you should do it consciously. I don’t think you really knew the challenge you were bringing us on, did you?”

Paul rolled his eyes. “I looked for trails online. And I thought just over 5 miles should be fine for everyone. The reviews were good, and the pictures looked promising. And those promises were kept. It’s a beautiful trail, and I plan to hike it again sometime.”

“We do have some very beautiful trails in the area.”

“I can’t wait to explore them all!” Paul said gleefully. “I just didn’t want to do it on my own.”

“You can explore those you consider a simple walk with any of your teammates,” Carlos said. “And I’m happy to show you those you’ll see as a challenge, like this one. I know most of the trails around here. Going for a hike was always a cheap way to get out of the city and spend a day away from everything going on at home. While I went to college, my best friend and I went out on a hike nearly every weekend.”

Paul chuckled and unpacked one of the sandwiches they had brought with them. “Neither of our jobs is reliable enough for that kind of commitment.”

“That, too,” Carlos agreed. “Life just gets in the way of your beloved hobbies as you get older.”

He hadn’t taken much time to do anything for himself over the past three years, and he had started to notice just how much he missed some things since Michelle wasn’t hounding him at least once or twice a week anymore. Being invited on the hike with the team from the 126 had reminded him how much he had once enjoyed this activity with Iris, even though the few hikes he had been on since she had disappeared had all been filled with loneliness and longing. Hiking alone clearly wasn’t an option, but he may have found a good partner in Paul.

“I think TK enjoyed our hike more than he expected,” Paul said. “Possibly something the two of you could also share.”

Carlos looked at Paul unimpressed. “If you want to take TK on hikes, you can help him explore Austin some more. I’ve learned that he memorizes places best by walking. And he is pretty determined to memorize the entirety of Austin since the tornado.”

Paul frowned. “He has been talking a lot about walking through the city, but I didn’t know what all that was about. He’s trying to learn the streets of Austin like that?”

Carlos nodded. “He didn’t like having to depend on the GPS when he drove the ambulance to the hospital at the end of your shift after the tornados. But as much as I enjoy spending time with him, I can only walk the same routes through the city so many times.”

“Not the best kind of date, huh?”

“Date?” Carlos asked with a frown.

Paul laughed. “You think you two are fooling anyone?”

“We aren’t dating,” Carlos said defensively. “Our situations are much too complicated for that. We enjoy spending time together, but that’s all.”

“You enjoy banging each other.”

Carlos raised his brows. “So? Ever heard of friends with benefits?”

Paul snorted. “Right. You really think that’s what’s going on between the two of you? I think you need to take a good long look at that whole thing you have going on with TK if you think that.”

Carlos blew out a breath. “You know TK’s recent history. And I’m technically married. So, neither of us is in a position to date.”

“Married?” Paul stared at him open-mouthed.

Carlos shrugged uncomfortably and averted his gaze. “Long, complicated story.”

“We have miles and miles ahead of us, start talking,” Paul said with a huff. “You can’t drop that kind of bombshell and then expect me not to want to know more. What exactly does ‘technically married’ mean?”

Carlos carded his fingers through his hair. “Speaking of the miles ahead of us, we should probably continue on our way.”

“You can walk and talk at the same time,” Paul said. “Honestly, man. Married? Where is this guy you’re married to?”

Carlos laughed darkly as he stood and threw his backpack onto his back. “No guy. My best friend Iris. And I wish every day I knew where she was.”

Paul sucked in a breath. “Oh fuck. I’m an idiot. Damn, I’m sorry.”

“You really have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” Carlos sighed deeply and they walked in silence for several minutes before he said, “I guess I should just explain now that I’ve already spilled the secret. Which isn’t really much of a secret.”

“Does TK know?” Paul asked hesitantly.

Carlos glared at him. “Of course TK knows!”

“Good,” Paul murmured. “I wouldn’t have kept this a secret from him, you know?”

“I told him about Iris after he told me about Alex,” Carlos said. “To make sure he knew I had as much interest in dating as he did. Which is none at all, just to be clear.”

Paul snorted. “Sure, man, keep telling yourself that. May I ask why you married a woman? You’ve stated more than once that you are utterly gay. And I’ve never seen a reason not to believe you. When TK and you took me to that club the other day, it was very clear that you weren’t interested in women at all.”

“We both thought it would solve a lot of problems in our lives,” Carlos said. “I don’t regret that I married her, you know? That’s what people always ask at some point, when did I start regretting it? We were on our way to getting divorced, but not because either of us regretted the decision we made. Being married just didn’t serve the purpose we thought it would for the rest of our lives anymore.”

“When exactly did you marry?”

“Right after I finished high school. I was 18, Iris was 20. And we were both pretty … jaded. Disillusioned. We were convinced being married to our best friend would be the best life either of us could achieve, even without any kind of romantic love or sexual attraction between us.”

Paul watched him skeptically. “Not even from her side? You mentioned the boyfriend she had when she went missing, and you are a very attractive man.”

Carlos shook his head. “Not even from her side. And before you ask, yes she knew I was gay all along. She helped me a lot while I was figuring that out. She encouraged me to come out to my parents, which is the only thing I ever … resented her for.”

Paul winced. “Damn. Your parents reacted badly?”

“Not as bad as it could have been, I guess.” Carlos sighed and shrugged uncomfortably. “They just never … I told them I was gay, and it was never mentioned again. And I suddenly felt … very unwelcome at home. I thought I could fix the situation by giving them what I thought they wanted.”

Paul huffed. “And did that work out?”

“No. In the end, it only made the situation worse. Though, that might be my fault. They only seemed even more disappointed so I pulled back from them. Spent a couple of years barely talking to them at all and … I now know looking back that they tried to reach out several times and I utterly dismissed it.”

Paul hummed.

“No comment?” Carlos asked, probably with a little more aggression than necessary.

“Not my place to judge the decisions of 18-year-old you,” Paul said gruffly. “How are things with them now? Are you talking to them at all?”

“I’m at their place for dinner at least once a month,” Carlos said. “Sometimes they come over to mine. But I don’t know if I would really call it talking. I don’t share much with them. I’m not…” He didn’t feel comfortable trusting them with anything about his life, but he also didn’t want to admit that out loud.

“And would you like to change that?” Paul asked.

Carlos huffed. “Of course. I hate how the situation is right now. But I don’t see how anything could be saved at this point.”

“They haven’t cut you out of their lives,” Paul said. “So, they are clearly holding onto your relationship as much as you are. Since you started talking to them again more regularly, have you ever honestly told them how their rejection felt to you?”

Carlos bit his tongue and shook his head. He and his parents really didn’t talk even when they spent time together, and he didn’t know how else to explain it than the way he already had. Opening himself up to them the way Paul had suggested wasn’t something Carlos thought he would ever be comfortable with again.

“My sister has barely spoken to me since I came out to my family,” Paul said.

Carlos stopped mid-step to turn to Paul, completely thrown about the statement. “Came out?”

Paul stared at him with a frown and then his eyes grew wide. “You really don’t know? I thought for sure you were just deflecting the other day when you said TK had told you I’m straight.”

Carlos blinked confused. “Should he have told me something else?”

Paul huffed. “That’s usually how it works. I tell one person, and they tell two others because knowing a transperson is apparently something you have to gossip about.”

“TK didn’t tell me,” Carlos said with raised brows. “And I don’t see why he should have. It’s not his business to share. He only told me that you had a promising date that failed utterly and we should distract you, and that while you are straight you wouldn’t be uncomfortable in a gay club.”

Paul laughed and turned to continue their hike. “I really enjoyed spending time with Josie, and I think TK feels a little guilty because he pushed me to tell her and … very predictably she didn’t take it well. Which is fair, I guess. I know that most people will care about what I do or don’t have in my pants when it comes to sexual relationships. I’m usually pretty good at determining who won’t care. But I liked Josie and I wanted to chase that dream for a little while, I guess.”

“Did TK push you too hard to reveal yourself?”

“No,” Paul murmured with a sigh. “Josie and I just really clicked and … we reached the point where not telling her would have meant actively lying to her. That’s not something I do as a general rule.”

Carlos nodded and decided to come back to the beginning of Paul so abruptly changing the subject. “So, your sister?”

Paul huffed out a desperate laugh. “Right, my sister. She was pretty young when I came out to my family. And the thing is, I had never worried about her reaction, while the worry about everyone else’s reaction had made me an anxious mess. But everyone who mattered to me was really great and supportive. Except Naomi who acted as if I’d died. I’m pretty sure if anyone asked her she’d say she doesn’t have siblings anymore, but had a big sister once.”

Carlos flinched. “Damn, that sucks.”

“Yeah,” Paul muttered. “The thing is, in the beginning, I was very much caught up in my own head. Coming out and then fighting for the right to transition, fighting for the right to be who I am was so exhausting and time-consuming, that there wasn’t space for anything else. And because I had never worried about Naomi’s reaction, I think I didn’t handle the change in my relationship with her very well. And maybe everyone else was also too focused on me.”

Paul kicked a stone on the path. “Anyway. I deeply regret what my relationship with Naomi turned into. I’ve tried reaching out to her several times but she blocked me. I know I’ll try again eventually, maybe the physical distance now between us will help. And if she ever reaches out to me, I won’t hesitate to grab that chance with both hands.”

Carlos stared at the path ahead of them “I honestly have no idea what you are trying to tell me.”

Paul huffed. “I think if you want to change something about your relationship with your parents, you need to be proactive. You need to find the courage to talk to them honestly and openly even if you feel it should be on them to take the first step.”

“And if pushing them to talk about my sexuality only pushes them further away?” Carlos asked quietly, his heart already breaking even at the idea of it. The years during college when he had barely allowed any contact with them had been painful, but at least he’d had Iris to support him.

“If you being gay could make them turn from you completely, it would have done so years ago,” Paul said. “How’d the rest of your family react? Siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins?”

“My sisters didn’t know for a long time what had caused the break between my parents and me,” Carlos said hesitantly. “Our parents didn’t tell them, and I only told them when Iris and I realized that we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives together. If I’m alone with them they are supportive. When we are together with our parents it’s more difficult.”

He suspected that neither of his sisters really knew how to handle the situation between him and their parents. They were both older than him and had been away at school in other states when he had come out to his parents, so they had missed most of the drama.

Carlos blew out a breath. “And … I’m not sure how aware the rest of my family is about my sexuality. I didn’t exactly come out to them after my parents’ reaction.”

“But you also aren’t hiding it,” Paul said.

“Not anymore,” Carlos agreed.

“When did you stop hiding?”

“The last year of college. I met a couple of people who encouraged me to be myself, who truly helped me settle into my skin. And Iris and I both came to the conclusion that our marriage wouldn’t serve us well long-term. She encouraged me to go out and experiment, date even, find someone to fall in love with.” Carlos laughed. “And she was always eager to listen to everything I had to say about it. I wasn’t half as eager to learn about her experiences when she met Dustin, but I was a good friend and listened to whatever she wanted to talk about and tried to give advice at least half as good as she had given me.”

“Sounds like an epic friendship,” Paul said softly.

“It was,” Carlos said wistfully. “I miss her every day.”

“And you stopped dating when she disappeared, even though she had encouraged you to do it before then.”

“For the first year I practically stopped my whole life,” Carlos admitted. “Then a friend and my father separately from each other told me off, reminded me that the last thing Iris would have wanted was for me to give up my life. I tried to move on, but that’s not as easy as it sounds.”

“Doesn’t sound easy at all,” Paul said. “I’ve never had the kind of friendship you’ve described. But I have a couple of really good friends, and I can’t imagine how I’d cope if any of them just vanished.”

“It’s gotten easier since your team stumbled into my life,” Carlos said grinning.

He suspected at least half of that was that Michelle had been mostly out of his life for the same amount of time. The support he had gotten from his new friends was invaluable though, especially as catching up with the friends he had neglected for the last three years had turned out to be very difficult. Paul’s words about being courageous when reaching out to his parents might be something he could also apply to those old friends.

***

There was something about Paul’s words that Carlos hadn’t been able to shake off, even days later. After their day out hiking Carlos had spent hours lying in his backyard, staring up into the night sky and pondering which of the people he had lost contact with he wanted to rekindle his friendships.

The last three years had wrought havoc on his social life, and he had lost contact with many people without even noticing. Some of them he barely missed, but with others, he now very much regretted that he had let their friendship slip away, and the list of these people was surprisingly long. He would face the situation with his parents first, but he had promised himself to apply Paul’s advice to everyone on his list even if it might fail with some or even most of them.

The thought of having any kind of in-depth conversation with his father, let alone about his coming out and the last nine years was kind of terrifying, so Carlos had waited for a day when he knew his father would be working and that he would find his mother alone at home. Carlos hadn’t called his mother before showing up at their house, too nervous and not sure yet if he would actually go through with his plan. Despite Paul’s reassurance, the prospect of being rejected by his parents again, maybe permanently this time, made his insides freeze.

“Carlitos!” His mother, Andrea, called out in happy surprise when she opened the door. She pulled him enthusiastically into a tight hug. As she stepped back, she clasped his arms and looked at him with raised brows. “Why did you ring the bell instead of using your key?”

Carlos shrugged. “I didn’t want to scare you by showing up inside the house unannounced.”

Andrea frowned, not letting go of his arms. “You look troubled. And you do usually call before you come over.” Before Carlos could think of anything to say, she patted his arm and turned around, pulling him inside the house. “Let’s go sit in the kitchen and have some tea.”

Carlos followed his mother silently. He had spent hours putting together the right words to start this conversation, but now they had all vanished out of his head. Andrea pushed him to sit down on the bench by the kitchen table and quietly prepared the tea. Carlos watched her, worrying his lip between his teeth and still unable to form a single word when she placed the pot on the table after pouring a cup for each of them.

“Has there been news about Iris?” Andrea asked.

Carlos blinked, barely able to keep his mouth from falling open. He cleared his throat. “What?”

Andrea sighed. “You look as though you’ve seen a ghost. And your father mentioned there had been some movement on her case. If they found her…”

“They didn’t,” Carlos interrupted her. “How does Papi know anything about Iris’ case?”

Andrea smiled sadly. “He is keeping an eye on the case of course. Iris is family, after all. He hasn’t told me any details, though. He just mentioned there has been some movement and he seemed … worried about it.”

Carlos shook his head. “It’s really not that much new information. But Michelle is in trouble for repeatedly breaking Dustin’s restraining order against her. And Dustin has a new lawyer who is happily threatening to sue the whole damn city, and I don’t doubt he’d do it. There is an investigation into Michelle’s behavior and why nothing has been done about it for the last three years.”

“Gabriel didn’t mention anything about that,” Andrea said with a frown.

Carlos shrugged. “I’m relieved about what’s happening, even if it has kept me on desk duty for weeks. I’m finally back on the patrol next week, and I am trying to stay away from the rest of it as much as I can.”

“You were investigated?” Andrea asked shocked.

Carlos shrugged again and rolled his eyes. “I was the one constantly sent out to deal with Michelle, but I made sure my ass was covered by creating paper trails for everything. I haven’t even received a slap on the wrist. I’ll support Dustin as much as I can, but I don’t think my involvement will be necessary.”

“And Michelle?”

“I’d be happy to never see her again.” He wouldn’t be that lucky, Carlos knew that already, but he could at least hope.

“You were very tight with her the last couple of years,” Andrea said softly, and she looked at Carlos as if there was something else she wanted to say but either didn’t dare or didn’t have the right words for it.

Carlos huffed and took his cup, holding it up with both hands and took a sip. “We really weren’t. I let her use me, and I’m angry at myself that I didn’t see it earlier. But I’m not here to talk about any of that, Mamá.”

Andrea folded her hands on the table and watched Carlos intently. “But there is something you want to talk about.”

Carlos nodded slowly. “A friend recently told me I needed to find my courage if I want to fix some things, even if that meant taking more of a risk than I’ve been willing to for years. I…”

Andrea’s frown deepened and Carlos could practically feel the worry she was suddenly radiating and which was so clearly written in the way she drew her shoulders back and tilted her head. He raised his hand and shook his head when she opened her mouth.

“I’d like you to just listen to me for a little while, okay? I’ve thought a lot about how to do this, and I would prefer to get all of it off my chest at once. And I’m sorry in advance for just unloading all of this on you, but I don’t know how to handle it in any other way.”

Andrea pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded silently.

Carlos blew out a breath and stared at the table. He didn’t feel he would be able to look at his mother during this conversation. He wasn’t seeing a therapist for the whole mess with his parents, but it had still come up during his last appointment because it was so stuck in his head since the hike with Paul. It had been startling to realize that part of his reluctance to talk, with his mother at least, was his discomfort with hurting her in any way, and he knew there was no way to have this conversation without hurting her.

“When I was a kid, I never doubted your love for me for a moment,” Carlos began eventually. “Abuelita used to tell me that she was always surprised how well adjusted I was considering how much you and Papi would coddle me, and that it had to come from spending so much time with my cousins. I really don’t think she ever understood the kind of man you married, you know? I didn’t understand her opinion back then, and looking back I still don’t understand how she got the idea you coddled me. Maybe she thought a boy should fear his father’s wrath when he got in trouble. I know that was true for all my cousins on your side of the family, and I never understood that family dynamic.”

Carlos sighed and rubbed his thumb along the edge of his cup. “I never feared either of you. I dreaded your disappointment when I got in trouble, but I knew at the end of the day I’d still have your love and support even if you grounded me for the whole summer after we borrowed Abuelo’s horses and got lost after that storm spooked them.”

His mother huffed out a laugh and Carlos looked up for a moment with a grin. He had been eleven and the youngest among the five cousins with whom he had decided they were all old enough to take the horses out on a ride by themselves while they were spending the summer on their grandfather’s ranch.

It had already started as a great adventure for them when they had needed to sneak not only around their grandparents and the ranch hands, but also several other cousins, among them Carlos’ sisters, who had laughed their idea off as insane several times in the days prior.

The thunderstorm had come without warning and all but one horse had been spooked by a lightning strike, leaving them stranded and without any orientation until the adults had found them a little more than a day later.

There wasn’t a family gathering where it wasn’t brought up to tease them all about it. It had been the biggest trouble Carlos had ever gotten into. Everyone could laugh about it now, but Carlos knew when it happened it had terrified the whole family.

Carlos sighed and lowered his gaze. “I haven’t felt that way anymore since I came out to you.” He heard his mother shift in her chair and closed his eyes to stop himself from looking at her. “I wasn’t really even worried about your reaction before that day. I was worried and confused about all kinds of things, but I expected the same support and acceptance I had gotten from you all of my life. So, the silence that confronted me instead really fucking hurt.”

“Carlitos,” Andrea whispered quietly.

Carlos shook his head. “No, I’m not done.” He sipped at his tea and decided after a moment that trying to hide his shaking hands was futile. “You barely reacted when I told you, and you never ever talked about it again. In the beginning, I tried to bring it up a couple of times and you or Papi always deflected, or abruptly changed the topic. So, I stopped bringing it up out of fear I’d eventually cause a fight.

“I interpreted your silence as disappointment and rejection. And my therapist lectured me about assumptions being the death of communication or something like that. She said I built a picture of you in my head that’s solely based on my own emotions. And while my emotional reaction was valid, my assumptions about your opinions might not have anything to do with your real opinions.”

Carlos inhaled deeply. “And at one point I stopped being willing to listen to you, I know that. I was pretty angry at you when marrying Iris didn’t just fix how you were treating me, and I know that’s irrational and foolish. Iris even told me as much from the beginning, but I had convinced myself that ignoring my own sexuality and marrying a woman I knew wouldn’t ever expect something that I wouldn’t be able to give her would at least give you and Papi what you wanted. That it would magically fix our relationship, bring it back to what it was before I came out to you.”

Carlos barked out a short, mirthless laugh and leaned back until his head rested against the wall behind him. “Another assumption I made about what you thought, huh? Fuck, I already see myself having to repeat all of this the next time I see Dr. Ruiz. But that’s the reason I barely talked to you during my college years. I was living with this strange mixture of being angry at you that no matter what I did it wasn’t the right thing to make you happy, and being hurt that something I saw as trivial had destroyed … your love for me.”

His mother gasped and Carlos hurriedly kept talking. “That’s what it felt like for me back then, okay? I know it’s not the truth, at least up here.” He tapped a finger against his temple. “Iris spent years telling me I was an idiot for not talking to you. It was one of the few things we ever really argued about because I was all in on supporting her pulling away from her mother as much as possible and I didn’t feel supported by her in turn. But she kept telling me that the situation with you was different than with her mother. It took me a while, but I eventually understood that she was right. That while she would be happy to cut all contact with her mother, I still wanted you back in my life in whatever capacity you would allow.”

Carlos wet his lips and rubbed his eyes. “But I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I hate this limbo we are stuck in, and that there is still this suffocating silence when I’m here, and not only about me being gay anymore. I hate it, but I don’t know how to change it, and a part of me kept waiting for you and Papi to take the first step. Assuming—once again—that you felt as uncomfortable as me or at least knew exactly how I felt.

“I made a couple of new friends recently and one of them told me if it really mattered to me and I wanted to change something, then I needed to be the one to take the first step. He also told me that since you hadn’t completely cut contact so far, it was kind of silly to think you’d do that now.”

He blew out a long breath and bit his lip. “So, here I am, trying to take the first step.”

The silence that wrapped around them was uncomfortable, though Carlos thought that might just be the exhaustion he was overtaken by after this emotional bloodletting. Some of the things he had said he hadn’t allowed himself to even think about until this moment. Once he had started talking, it had all just flowed out, and while he felt exhausted now, it also felt as if a burden had been taken from him.

Eventually, Carlos opened his eyes and turned his gaze from the ceiling to his mother. Her hands were on the table and clasped so tightly together that her knuckles had turned white, and it broke Carlos’ heart a little to see her face wet with tears. He sighed deeply and leaned toward her a little, but he was completely out of words for the moment.

Andrea leaned over the table and grabbed his hands, squeezing them tightly. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry for all the pain we caused, I caused.”

Carlos shrugged and pushed his hands closer to her so that his mother didn’t need to lean halfway over the table to reach him. He didn’t doubt the sincerity of her words, but they still felt empty to him.

Andrea sighed and looked at him with a deep sorrow in her eyes. “I’m glad you came over today. Thank you for sharing all of these thoughts. I…” She closed her eyes and shook her head before clearing her throat. “There is one thing that stood out to me about your assumptions. Of course, Gabriel and I felt the … emotional distance between us. We have felt it very keenly since you allowed us contact again, but we also didn’t know how to change it and we feared we’d push you away again if we tried to demand more of your time or attention than you were willing to give.”

Carlos lowered his gaze and swallowed.

“I can promise you that we will never cut you out of our lives, Carlitos,” Andrea whispered, her voice breaking at the end. “We love you, and no matter what you do, that will never change.”

Carlos sent her a weak smile, trying to find some words, but she didn’t give him much time.

“I have regretted for a long time how I reacted when you came out to us. All I’ve ever wanted for you is to find happiness. And of course, when you were a child my vision of that future happiness was about you finding a wife who you loved and who loved you, and having as many children with her as you wished. But that was more about me projecting my own dreams onto you than anything else. When you told me you were gay, my silence wasn’t about that specific dream of mine for your future dying. I honestly don’t care who you love and spend your time with, not even back then. But looking at your future, I suddenly couldn’t envision that all-encompassing happiness anymore because we live in a horrible society. And it took me years to realize that these kinds of thoughts are part of the problem with society.”

Carlos felt his heart constrict painfully. “It is kind of horrible to think that way.”

“I know. And I have been working on myself. Gabriel has as well, but it’s not my place to speak for him. You and your father will have to hash that out yourselves. So, I think you will have to repeat yourself a third time with him, and not only a second time in therapy.” Andrea bit her lip and added hesitantly. “May I ask … since when, and why?”

“It’s very new,” Carlos murmured. “And it’s about Iris, mostly. Because I’ve come to see that I’m not dealing with it in a healthy way. But I guess many other things will come up as well, like my issues with you and Papi.”

“I’m glad you are seeking help,” Andrea said softly. “It’s not something I could convince your father of yet. Not even for the things he sees on the job.”

Carlos shrugged uncomfortably. He probably wouldn’t be ready to open himself up to his father in the same way anytime soon. He might not have feared him as a child, but the distance between them felt very different and much more threatening than the distance from his mother. Otherwise, he would have done this with both of them at once, if only so he didn’t have to repeat it.

“I will never forgive myself that I broke your trust in me so completely,” Andrea whispered and Carlos stared at her wide-eyed. “And that I didn’t even realize it until you entered a marriage which I knew from the very beginning wasn’t for your own happiness at all but what you thought others—especially Gabriel and I—expected of you.”

“I married Iris because we thought we could build a life together that would make us both content and that we could enjoy together,” Carlos said, not willing to even touch on her words about his trust in her.

Andrea smiled sadly. “You were very clear about your reasons earlier. You also said…” She sucked in a breath and her hands started to tremble. “You said you believe you have lost our love for you. I think what that pain was really about is your loss of any and all trust in us. It’s been utterly clear to your father and I since you sought out more contact with us again, that you don’t trust us anymore.”

A part of Carlos felt he should protest this, but the truth was so glaringly clear right in front of them that he couldn’t even open his mouth. He hadn’t shared much of anything with his parents that was in any way important to him since he came out. They didn’t have any intimate knowledge about him because he just never talked about his friends or interests with them.

“I would be very grateful if you could give me a chance to earn back at least some of your trust,” Andrea said. “But I would also understand if that’s not something you can give me.”

Carlos blew out a breath. “I think that’s why I’m here. I mean, I didn’t know it was about trusting you again until you pointed it out just now, but I think that’s what the whole distance between us is about, right? So yes, I would like to work on that.”

Andrea smiled, and for the first time since Carlos had finished his monologue, she looked at least a little hopeful again. “Thank you. I love you, Carlitos, and I’m so happy to have you as my son. I will forever regret that I ever made you doubt that.”

 

Chapter 12

Enzo laughed when TK pulled him into a tight hug as soon as he spotted him coming out of the airport. TK had arrived way too early, full of nervous energy for Enzo’s visit to Austin. He had missed him terribly, and the regular phone calls hadn’t helped as much as he kept pretending. Talking to Enzo was always good, but it wasn’t comparable to sitting at the same table with him and just spending time together.

“I missed you!”

Enzo patted his back. “I missed you, too. I’m sorry it took so long to come down here for a visit.”

TK shook his head as he took a step back. “Don’t be. You are here now and that’s all that matters.” He grinned brightly. “I got a list of all the touristy things one needs to do when they are visiting Austin, most of them I haven’t done myself yet. So, tomorrow and the two days after my next shift will be all about us exploring Austin like proper tourists.”

Enzo laughed. “I’ll just follow you. The most important thing for me is spending time with you. I’m happy to explore Austin with you if that’s what you want to do. Though, I’m surprised you haven’t already done that.”

TK shrugged and grabbed Enzo’s suitcase, ignoring all his protests about it as he turned to lead Enzo to his car. “I have been exploring the city, but not with the goal of seeing all the tourist attractions. I’ve been learning the streets so that I know where we are on calls. That’s not going as fast as I’d like it to. So, you have two choices for the evening. We already had a game night planned for later today when you told me you were coming into town. So, either we can join the rest of the crew and you can meet my new friends, or we can start on my list of exploring Austin and you can help me with my quest to find a proper Chinese place. I have to warn you, though, so far I’ve had very disappointing Chinese here.”

Enzo laughed loudly. “I assume your expectations are ridiculously high! I don’t think you’ll find a place anywhere that will compete with the one you and Gwyn frequent in New York.”

“I’ll try!” TK huffed. “Otherwise, I’ll have to find a way to afford regular trips to New York!”

“There’s a guest room with your name on it at our place,” Enzo said.

“How is Mom?” TK asked instead of pointing out that he wasn’t sure he wanted to intrude on them that way, even just for a visit. The discomfort of that thought probably had too much to do with his current living situation anyway.

“Chasing after her career as always,” Enzo said with a soft smile. “She is preparing for a three-month-long trip to China, which is the reason why she is not here with me. It’s very hectic right now, but she sends her love.”

“She didn’t tell me it was that long!” TK stared at Enzo wide-eyed. “I assumed it’d just be a couple of weeks when she told me about it last week.”

Enzo chuckled and shrugged. “I’m not looking forward to being separated from her for that long, but it is what it is. They are building some new department, but don’t ask me for details. Corporate law, especially international corporate law, bores me to death! I would very much like to meet your new friends. Let’s stop by the hotel first, though. I need to change out of my travel clothes.”

“You should go visit her at least once, then,” TK said. “Make a short holiday out of it.”

They reached the car and Enzo was quiet until they were leaving the parking lot of the airport. “Don’t meddle in my relationship with your mother, TK.”

TK winced a little. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry.”

“Gwyn and I are fine, don’t worry so much. I knew what I was getting into with her from the very beginning,” Enzo said softly. “We’re both happy with our life as it is.”

TK huffed. “It’s hard not to worry!”

Enzo hummed. “You don’t need to understand our relationship to accept that we’re happy. But we’ve had this discussion in the past, and I don’t want to spend my time here arguing with you. Tell me about these people I’ll meet later. Do they know you’ve invited me?”

“Yeah, they do. I wanted to bow out of game night, but they insisted I just bring you along instead. And don’t worry, Dad won’t be there.”

Enzo huffed out a laugh. “I’m perfectly capable of being civilized to Owen for an evening, and I’d assume the same from him if only to not leave a bad impression with his new team. But I didn’t expect him to be there for a game night. Unless game night really means poker, and then I’d only join to meet your friends, and not to play myself.”

TK laughed. “No, game night means mostly Catan, though I know Mateo is bringing Taboo, and Judd and Grace offered to bring Trivial Pursuit. It’s the third time we’re meeting for a game night, and we already agreed to make it a tradition. The last two times we only played Catan, but we agreed to broaden our horizons a little. And everyone except Dad will be there tonight because they’re all hoping to meet you! So, no matter what we play we’ll need to have teams anyway.”

They fell into an easy conversation with Enzo asking him all kinds of questions about his new team and TK happily telling him everything that came to mind, even though he was sure half of these stories he had already shared with Enzo in the past. A little over an hour after TK had picked Enzo up from the airport, they arrived at Carlos’ place, who was hosting game night this time, after it had been Nancy’s and then Judd’s turn previously.

There was a game of Catan already coming to its end, which was promptly abandoned as soon as Carlos opened the door for TK and Enzo. TK was glad that at least everyone was staying where they had been sitting instead of crowding them at the door while he introduced everyone.

“Don’t expect me to remember all of your names, please,” Enzo said, grinning sheepishly as he sat down on the place on the couch in the space Carlos had left for him while pulling a dining chair into the sitting area for himself. “I know all of your names because TK talks a lot about you, but I’m really not good at remembering which name belongs to which face.”

Mateo leaned forward with a gleam in his eyes. “TK talks about us, huh?”

“Shouldn’t he?” Enzo asked. “You spend a lot of time together on your job, and outside of it. And I was very glad to hear that he found such good friends here, and in such a short time.”

“Maybe you can tell us some things about TK in turn,” Marjan said. “Cap is pretty stingy with stories about TK’s childhood.”

“No!” TK protested. “Don’t be mean, Marjan! There is nothing interesting to learn about my childhood!”

“There is always interesting stuff to learn about other people’s childhoods,” Nancy said, snickering. “It really can’t be a surprise we’d ask your stepdad the same questions we’ve been asking your dad!”

TK sighed and buried his face in his hands with a groan. He had hoped they would forget, or not feel comfortable enough, what with Enzo being basically a stranger to them. It had been an ongoing topic for a while, ever since Judd’s father had come around to visit the fire station and hadn’t held back with stories about Judd and his brothers, despite Judd’s loud and desperate protest against it. It had been a hilarious three hours before they had been sent on a call, and Stuart Ryder had promised he’d come by for another visit soon.

Somehow that had reminded everyone that they had another father-son pair in their midst, and they hadn’t yet stopped bothering Owen with questions over TK’s childhood. Owen didn’t really know enough about TK’s childhood and teenage years to share anything embarrassing, but he played off his silence as unwillingness to share those stories as not wanting to embarrass TK. Suddenly, bringing Enzo to game night seemed like the most horrible decision ever.

“I’m willing to trade,” Enzo said. “The first story for a coffee, and the rest for information about calls TK mentioned but didn’t want to elaborate on.”

TK groaned. “Oh my god, why did I think it was a good idea to bring you here? We should go! Right now!”

Everyone laughed and Tim said, “Don’t be a spoilsport TK.”

“At some point, all of you will be visited by parents. Don’t think I won’t get payback then. Tenfold!” TK exclaimed, glaring at each of them in turn before he stood with a huff. There wasn’t any point in protesting further, he would just have to endure what he had brought onto himself. “I’ll make the damn coffee. Anyone else want one, too?”

“We’re all good,” Marjan said, waving him off and watching Enzo with a smile TK would describe as predatory. “I want to know about TK’s first crush!”

TK sighed deeply and it wasn’t any consolation when Carlos grabbed his hand and gave it a quick squeeze in reassurance as TK passed him. Despite that silent support, Carlos stayed where he was, clearly just as curious as everyone else about the things Enzo was about to share.

“I only know about that secondhand myself,” Enzo said, chuckling. “I was already dating Gwyn, but I hadn’t been introduced to TK yet. She was understandably very careful with that. But she was happy to brag about her son.”

“How old was TK when you met him?”

“Gwyn introduced us shortly before his eleventh birthday,” Enzo said. “We had been dating for around nine months at that point. TK had a new classmate and…”

TK glared at the coffee maker, glad that his back was turned to everyone and he could hide his blush while he had to listen to Enzo recite Gwyn’s stories about Connor and TK’s very unfortunate first crush. Everything about this story was embarrassing, and somehow the way Enzo talked about it only seemed to make it worse.

After TK had delivered Enzo’s coffee he pulled another chair over, just so that he didn’t have to sit beside Enzo while he thoroughly embarrassed him. Half the time he chimed in to the story to protest the, in his eyes, very biased perspective of his parents. In turn, he put a lot of effort into prolonging the stories the team shared with Enzo about some of their calls or the team bonding they had been doing. Dragging those stories out meant there was less time for Enzo to share things about his childhood.

The games were completely abandoned for several hours until Enzo bid them goodbye, stating he was too tired from the journey to stay any longer. Judd and Grace offered to drive him back to the hotel, which Enzo happily agreed to, and TK already dreaded the stories Judd would have to share during their next shift. The rest of them stayed for another round of Catan before everyone except TK left as well.

“Why did I think introducing Enzo to any of you was a good idea?” TK whined as Carlos collected the glasses and all the dishes that had been filled with snacks at the beginning of the evening.

“Because he is important to you and you wanted to show that off,” Carlos chuckled. “The stories he shared with us weren’t that embarrassing. I think you enjoyed the evening more than you want to admit!”

TK huffed. “Did not.”

Carlos laughed. “As long as you’re happy in that bubble of denial.”

“I meant what I said,” TK muttered petulantly. He grabbed the rag from the sink to clean both the coffee table and the dining table while Carlos filled the dishwasher. “I’ll be just as vicious with my questions for every single one of your parents I meet.”

“You think the rest won’t interrogate them as thoroughly as they interrogated Enzo?” Carlos said. “I think everyone who was here tonight knows exactly how careful they need to be about introducing their own parents to this group. I know it will be a long time before I introduce any of you to my parents! My mother would be as gleeful as Enzo to share all kinds of stories I’d rather forget.”

“Like stealing horses at eleven?” TK asked.

“Yes, exactly!” Carlos agreed. “Though I’m pretty sure that story has been told so often that it’s changed quite a lot. At least from the side of what went on for the adults.”

“Why’d you steal horses anyway?”

“We borrowed them,” Carlos said. He raised his chin and leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest. “We’d have brought them back if we hadn’t lost them. We just wanted to take a little ride by ourselves.”

“Who are we?” TK asked.

“Me and a couple of cousins. There were six of us, four boys and two girls, all spending the summer at Abuelo’s ranch. Except, when we sought shelter because of a sudden thunderstorm, five of our horses got spooked. They ran back to the ranch, and from what I know, everyone at the ranch freaked out. Meanwhile, we were pretty much lost in the woods because we hadn’t taken as much care keeping track of the trail we were on as we had thought.”

“I can just imagine how freaked out your parents had to be!” TK said wide-eyed. “How long did it take them to find you? Or did you eventually find your way back on your own?”

Carlos shook his head. “We tried, but looking back now, I think we walked in the wrong direction. And we were tired and hungry, because of course we hadn’t taken anything with us. They found us after a day, and all of us were grounded for the rest of the summer. I wasn’t allowed anywhere near the horses by myself for two years after that.”

“And the rest of your cousins?” TK asked.

Carlos shrugged. “Weren’t allowed back on the ranch at all, at least not for more than a couple of days at a time, and only if their parents were there as well. Everyone can laugh about it now. And Mamá likes to include some very embarrassing details.”

TK grinned and came back into the kitchen to rinse out the rag. “I’ll ask her about them as soon as I have a chance!”

“I think it was great to meet your second father,” Carlos said quietly. “You don’t make it a secret that he was the parent you could really rely on, so it’s a real pleasure to meet him. And nothing he shared with us was in any way negative, even if you were embarrassed by some of it.

TK dried his hands on a towel and turned to Carlos. “I’m happy everyone got along so well with him.”

“He clearly worries about you,” Carlos said. “And I think he was relieved that you have a whole group here that has your back. Even if they will relentlessly tease you about what they learned today. It was a good evening, right?”

“It was,” TK agreed softly. He stepped into Carlos’ space, leaving just enough space between them to tease and not touch. “You mind if I spend the night?”

Carlos grinned and leaned in to kiss TK. “Do I ever?”

TK chuckled. “You’ve been teasing me the whole night, you know? Always wearing these shirts so tight that the buttons barely hold on.”

Carlos grabbed TK’s hip and turned them around, pushing TK back against the counter. “Your concern for my buttons is noted, but so far you have been the only danger to them.”

TK bit his lip with a grin and watched Carlos intently as he trailed his fingers up the line of buttons. Carlos’ pupils dilated when TK hooked his fingers into the fabric over Carlo’s chest. He slowly ran his tongue over his lips, Carlos’ gaze following the movement mesmerized.

“You enjoy driving me crazy,” TK accused him quietly.

Carlos grinned and tilted his head to the side. “Of course. It’s only fair that it’s not just one of us.”

He cradled TK’s face with his hands. For a long moment, they just stared at each other before Carlos leaned in for another heated kiss. When they broke the kiss, they were both panting and TK felt lightheaded and dizzy.

“Upstairs,” Carlos ordered quietly, and TK was only too happy to obey.

***

The next morning, TK found himself at Enzo’s hotel a little too early for his liking. He and Enzo had agreed to meet for breakfast at the hotel and then start on the tour TK had planned for them with everyone else’s help. Enzo left him to his thoughts until TK had drained his first cup of coffee.

“I very much enjoyed meeting your friends.”

TK huffed. “You mean you enjoyed gossiping about me.”

“That, too,” Enzo agreed. “But seeing what kind of stories they wanted to hear and what stories they shared in return has taught me a lot about them, you know? I know now that they are very interested in you as a person, that they are genuinely interested in your life, and that they value your dedication and friendship. They asked about things that they could expect would be good memories, and in their own stories they focused on details that would show me that you are doing well here, or that would show me how much they support you. They are good people, and I think they’ll be good friends. I was worried for a long time about your move here, especially after what you told me about Owen’s behavior.”

TK sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “He means well, I know that.”

“And the road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Enzo said darkly. “He might mean well, but that doesn’t mean it is good.”

“I’m good,” TK promised. “My new therapist is great, even if Dad is still pissed I changed them. I’m not … I’m doing good, really.”

“I’ll always worry. That’s the privilege and burden of being a parent.” Enzo leaned back and watched TK with raised brows. “So, tell me about Carlos.”

“Carlos?” TK asked, averting his gaze bashfully.

“You didn’t mention once that you were dating,” Enzo said.

TK rolled his eyes. “We aren’t dating.”

Enzo hummed and gave TK a once over. “You’re wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday. And you felt awfully comfortable in his kitchen, making me coffee and later on getting drinks for everyone else.”

“We spend a lot of time together,” TK admitted. “But we are just friends.”

“Did you spend the night on his couch, then?” Enzo asked with raised brows and a teasing smile.

TK felt himself blush. There was no way that Enzo didn’t know the answer already, even without TK admitting weeks ago about sleeping better in Carlos’ bed than his own.

TK rolled his eyes and raised his chin defensively. “I did not, if you need to know. I spent the night in his bed, as always. There’s this thing called friends with benefits, you know? We enjoy spending time together, and we enjoy having sex together. Great sex, by the way. Doesn’t mean we’re dating.”

Enzo laughed and raised his hands defensively. “No need to overshare. It does sound an awful lot like dating, though.”

TK frowned. “Neither of us is in any position to date.”

Enzo watched him with raised brows.

“I’m not over Alex yet,” TK muttered, staring down at his half-empty plate of pancakes. “And Carlos has his own demons to battle with. He’s in even less of a position to date than I am.”

“Yeah?” Enzo asked quietly.

TK shook his head. “That’s a whole different kind of complicated and convoluted story. And not mine to share. We are in agreement about what this is, and it’s not dating.”

“You won’t be able to stop yourself from falling in love again,” Enzo said softly. “It will just happen. Alex is an asshole, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is.”

“If I had told you I was planning to ask him to marry me, you’d have told me not to do it, too, right?”

“I would have advised you against it,” Enzo said. “Because I think you did it for the wrong reason. You had told me you felt he was pulling away. And the next thing you did was ask him to marry you? Doesn’t that sound a little foolish?”

TK winced and shrugged.

“I’d have also told you to call me immediately afterwards,” Enzo said.

“Because you would have expected him to break my heart?” TK asked bitterly.

Enzo sighed deeply. “Frankly? Yes.”

“I don’t think I want to talk about this anymore,” TK murmured.

“We never had a chance to talk about it before you left New York,” Enzo said. “And I didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. I’m still so very worried and heartbroken for you. I know that I need to deal with most of my issues about this on my own, but I still think we need to talk about it. I would like … The next time you are feeling … that itch, I would very much like for your first instinct to be to call me. I don’t know how we can accomplish that, but that’s what I would prefer.”

“What do you think it would have changed if I had called you?” TK asked. “Or what would change if it happens again and I call you now? You’ll be at least half a days travel time away.”

“The flight takes just around four hours,” Enzo said. “I know for some stupid reason you and Owen drove here, but the flight isn’t that long.”

“But getting a seat on a plane last minute, reaching the airport, coming here, finding me here. All of that put together is at least half a day.”

“And if talking to you can already help move you away from the edge?” Enzo whispered and leaned forward. “And if it doesn’t, I can at least be here afterward. You won’t be alone.”

“I’m not alone,” TK muttered uncomfortably. “Dad is here.”

“Is he, really?” Enzo asked.

TK looked up and glared at him.

“Are you sleeping better in your new house?”

TK bit his lip. “You’re playing dirty.”

Enzo sighed and shook his head. “You know I usually won’t talk bad about Owen. But in this case, I’m worried about the impact his actions have on your mental health. You told me that he put stipulations on you that are hindering you more than they are helping you.”

TK shrugged. “I’m still planning to move out soon. And to answer your question, no, I’m not sleeping any better at home. I can’t even really see the house as my home. Sometimes I stand somewhere in that house and tell myself I wish I could go home. But I don’t even know where home is anymore!”

Enzo reached over the table to close his hand around TK’s wrist. “Do you want to come back to New York?”

TK shook his head. “No. That’s not home anymore either. And as much as I miss you and Mom, I think I’d prefer to build my home here rather than in New York.”

Enzo smiled warmly and rubbed his thumb over the inside of TK’s wrist. “Because of the new friends you’ve found here?”

TK nodded slowly. “Half of them know about my addiction and they … Everyone in New York would ask me how I got addicted, why I didn’t stop in time, and all kinds of other strange questions. The people here, they just … accepted the information and didn’t bother me with questions. They also … the whole game night came out of Paul and Marjan deciding that team bonding in a bar wasn’t the best plan since I’m still recovering from a very recent relapse.”

“They are not wrong about that,” Enzo said with raised brows.

TK shrugged. “I think it’s the only thing Dad really recognizes as team bonding outside of being on shifts together.”

“I can see that.”

“He hasn’t joined any of the other activities we’ve done together yet.” TK sighed. “I think in part that’s also because of the cancer and his treatment. That’s already putting him far outside his comfort zone, and I don’t think he wants to step even further out of it. Can you believe he adopted a damn dog with the same kind of cancer he has?”

Enzo bit his lip, grinning. “You always wanted a dog!”

“Yeah,” TK spat. “But not one who’ll likely die in no time! Because it’s not enough for me to have to deal with the possibility of losing Dad?”

Enzo sighed. “I agree with you about the team bonding, though not so much about the dog. Owen doesn’t have a lot here to provide him comfort. But for your sake, he should take time to concentrate on more than just his own recovery and comfort. He isn’t the only one fighting for his life.”

TK turned his head away.

“I’m sorry,” Enzo murmured.

“No, you’re right,” TK whispered. “I could have easily killed myself even if I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t able to think clearly. I just hurt so much in that moment, and I wanted that pain to stop. I didn’t even stop to think about … how much I should take.”

Enzo’s hand trembled, but he didn’t pull it back. “I am so grateful Owen found you in time.”

“I’m thankful he brought me here, even if half of this whole deal is absolute rubbish.” TK took a deep breath and put his free hand over Enzo’s. The support system I thought I had in New York wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. I didn’t know anything else but the reaction of my friends there, so I never questioned it. I’m questioning a lot about them now. Because of the people here who Dad brought into my life.”

“What are you questioning?” Enzo asked.

TK shrugged. “Everything?” He bit his lip and looked up at Enzo through his lashes. “The people here are just really different. Supportive without being overbearing. The first time Carlos and I really talked to each other, we were at this little place to get Pho, and neither of us had ordered something to drink, so the owner brought us each a beer because that’s what Carlos always gets there. I declined the beer and asked for water. Carlos didn’t hesitate to send his beer back as well. And he didn’t even know yet … he only knew I had been concerned about the amount of alcohol he’d had when we first hooked up. And even without any other knowledge, he did that.”

Enzo smiled warmly. “Sounds like a man who cares a lot about the comfort of the people around him.”

TK blew out a breath. “Yeah. I’m just used to people making a big deal out of it, you know? Sometimes it feels like they need to make sure I know how big a sacrifice they’re making not to drink when I’m not feeling well. Or that it’s something I shouldn’t ask for. And then they’re put out when I just leave.”

“Who knows other than Carlos?”

“Paul, Marjan, Tim, and Nancy,” TK whispered. “There hasn’t been a good moment yet to tell the rest and I don’t feel like just … blurting it out without any warning.”

“Take your time,” Enzo said. “No one has a right to just demand that kind of personal information from you.”

“I still feel at least everyone on shift should know. I think I might … Mateo is pretty occupied at the moment preparing for his written exam. It’s a big deal for him and it’s his last chance. Everyone is focused on helping him prepare. If we’d come around to play Trivial Pursuit yesterday, we had prepared an extra stack of questions for him. We need to use every opportunity to help him prepare, right?”

Enzo laughed.

“That’s enough tension for the moment. I think I’ll tell the rest of the shift when Mateo is done with his exam After the celebration for him acing it. Because he will ace it!”

“Sounds like a fabulous plan,” Enzo agreed.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about my friends in New York,” TK whispered. “Especially as … barely anyone bothers to keep in contact. I’ve given up pushing for that with everyone who has barely bothered to reply to my messages. Carlos said I shouldn’t judge those friendships by … falling apart because I’ve moved away.”

“People grow apart,” Enzo said. “Even living in the same apartment they can grow apart. I know that’s happened before for you.”

TK shrugged. “Sure.”

“I agree with Carlos. As long as you valued those friendships when they were going strong, they are still friendships. Maybe you will reconnect with some of them if you ever come back to New York for a visit. Or maybe those friendships are just part of your past now.”

TK pulled his hands away from Enzo and carded his fingers through his hair. “Sometimes it feels as if … Alex just took everything I had in New York away with him.”

“In my opinion the so-called friends who knew about his deception are people who don’t deserve your grief over losing their friendship,” Enzo said darkly. “They never deserved your time or attention if they could let Alex just get away with his behavior, or even worse, if they supported him in it.”

TK flinched. “Yeah, agreed.”

“But the rest still gave you friendship and support in the past, right? You can always value and hold onto the memory of that. Some people just aren’t able to keep up a friendship long distance. I don’t think you should hold that against them.” Enzo chuckled. “And you really shouldn’t compare your friends from New York with your friends from here. Those friendships are from two very different periods in your life. You were a very different person when you met the people in New York than you are now, so you also needed very different things in the friendships you formed. Some of those friendships go back to your time in high school. You might have friends in New York you would never befriend again now because all of you are very different people now, but because you have known each other for so long you just stuck together.”

TK made a face. “It’s too early for that kind of wisdom and philosophy.”

Enzo laughed loud enough that they gained a couple of annoyed looks from the tables around them. “It’s never too early to bestow my wisdom upon you!”

“I disagree!”

Enzo shook his head, still chuckling. “My point is, don’t compare what you had in New York with what you have found here and now. And that goes for everything, not just the friendships you find here.”

TK grinned lopsidedly. “I’ll try to remember that.”

“Good. Now, I hope you have planned to be looking at some apartments for you for one of our days together,” Enzo said. “I think we need to find a new place you can call home as soon as possible.”

TK shook his head. “Mateo and I agreed to look together. And we won’t do that before his test.”

Enzo frowned. “When is Mateo’s test?”

“In three weeks, or a little less. He lives in a horrible room share situation, where he doesn’t even have enough peace at home to study, or really relax. He needs a new place as much as I do. We aren’t planning to share, but looking together will be better than looking alone.”

“You can still help him look for a place if you have already found one,” Enzo said. “I have all of tomorrow to myself while you are on shift. I’d like to use that day to look up apartment listings for you and make some appointments.”

TK frowned. “It’s really not that important that you need to waste your free day on it.”

“It’s not a waste of time, TK,” Enzo said softly. “And it is important. It pains me to hear that you don’t feel you have a home anymore. Also, I feel it’s my turn to help you apartment hunt. Gwyn was all in on that last time and didn’t let anyone else even have room to breathe!”

TK laughed. “Yeah, not even me for the longest time.”

“I don’t expect you to choose an apartment while I’m here,” Enzo said. “Chances are you’ll still be looking when Mateo is ready to start his search as well. But I’d be very happy if I could at least help you to figure out what you are looking for, what things are most important to you. I’d assume the market here is quite different to the one in New York.”

“Everything here is different than in New York!” TK protested. He rolled his eyes. “I’ll give you half a day. Let’s say four apartments. And you really should not expect me to choose any of them!”

Enzo grinned. “Excellent! We can talk during lunch or dinner about what exactly you are looking for. Now, tell me about the plans you have made for today!”

 

Chapter 13

Carlos rubbed his hands against his trousers, trying in vain to calm himself down. He had gotten a call from Detective Washington earlier in the day asking him to meet her after his shift. It was the first time she was ever that specific about the time she wanted to see him, and Carlos knew it couldn’t be a good sign. Especially as she had asked him to come to the impound lot.

After several minutes, Carlos finally left his car and found Detective Washington waiting for him right at the entrance. Her face said everything, and Carlos stopped, tilted his head back, and took a deep, steadying breath. They had found the truck, and whatever information they had gotten from it, it wasn’t anything good.

“Let’s sit down for a moment, please,” Washington said softly.

Carlos nodded and followed her into an empty office. “You found the pickup.”

“We found the pickup,” Washington said. “After the information your friend found, I went back to the bar and took a good look at the streets leading away from the place. There is one that leads along a steep slope, but you can barely see any of it because it’s densely overgrown. Following a hunch I got some satellite images of the area.”

Carlos closed his eyes. “And found the truck. They went over the edge, and no one noticed because the overgrowth made it impossible to see them.”

“Yes.” Washington sighed deeply. “We have recovered the car and our forensic team has been working on it for four days. There is also a team still out there searching for any more remains. It’s been three years and the wildlife … the search will take a while.”

“She’s dead,” Carlos whispered. He shuddered and pressed a fist against his mouth, biting his tongue to hold back his sob. “They were all killed in the accident?”

Washington was quiet and eventually Carlos opened his eyes and looked at her. “No one has been identified yet, and our people are not convinced that the remains we found belong to three different people. So far, we can only be sure of two people, and neither of them has been identified. The DNA test will take weeks if not months.”

“We know Iris was with two other people,” Carlos said quietly. “The bartender said it was a group of three, right?”

“Yes.” Washington nodded and smiled sadly. “That is why I did not call you earlier. I had hoped we could get confirmation one way or the other much sooner. There was a lot of blood in the car, but forensics determined it will be easier to test the skeletal remains than to analyze the blood. They are analyzing it as well, of course, however the blood from the passengers will have cross contaminated and has been exposed to the weather for three years. The examination of the car and everything that was found in it was finished yesterday. I need to ask you to take a look at the items we found.”

“Of course.” Carlos blew out a breath and stayed seated when Washington stood. “Have you already contacted Michelle and Theresa? Or Dustin?”

Washington sat down again. “No. I thought it would be best to ask you to identify anything that may have belonged to Iris.”

Carlos nodded slowly. “Could I … Maybe it would be better to wait on informing them until you have the confirmation through DNA. They don’t need to cling to their hope for weeks or months until the results come back only to have that crushed then. And in case you can’t confirm without a doubt that Iris was still in the truck, they would be … Michelle at least will never believe Iris is dead until she has irrefutable proof.”

“I will take that into consideration,” Washington said.

“Thank you,” Carlos whispered. “Let’s take a look at the items you found.”

A part of Carlos hoped nothing found there belonged to Iris. They didn’t know when the accident had happened, it could have very well been a couple of days after Iris had been seen in that bar, and she could have long since left Caldwell and whoever else had been with them. There was still a chance for Iris to have escaped, and Carlos already knew he wouldn’t be able to let go of that hope for anything in the world until he had irrefutable proof of Iris’ death.

Carlos tried to ignore the truck when he came into the garage, but he still noticed the damage it had taken, the metal bent in ways that indicated it had rolled over several times. He turned his back to the car before he could start looking for traces of the blood Washington had mentioned. He really did not want to have that image in his head.

Detective Washington led him to a table with dozens of transparent forensic bags laid out. Carlos schooled his face and buried his hands in his pockets, fisting them tightly. There was a wristwatch, a single boot, and sunglasses, none of which he had ever seen on Iris. But then his gaze landed on a bracelet, chain broken and metal darkened, but he still recognized it with just a glance.

Carlos closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before he stepped over and leaned over the bag with the bracelet. He was unable to breathe, and he turned away abruptly, dark spots dancing before his eyes. He bit his lips and shook his head, but that didn’t help him hold his tears back.

He flinched when Detective Washington grabbed his arm softly. “You recognized something?”

“Her dad gave her that bracelet for her 14th birthday. It was her last birthday before he died. The only time she ever took it off was when she had to work in the lab for some courses in med school where they weren’t allowed to wear any jewelry. And even then, she hated to take it off. I don’t recognize anything else.”

Washington was quiet and pulled him away, leading him out of the garage again and back into a different empty office, ordering someone they passed by to bring them water. She pushed him to a chair and Carlos collapsed into it like his strings had been cut, feeling drained and empty. The possibility of Iris being dead had always been there in his head, and he had been convinced he was prepared to have that fear confirmed. He had been sorely mistaken.

“I’m sorry,” Detective Washington said quietly.

Carlos shook his head. “This is better than it could have been, right? An accident is better than a crime.”

“It’s still a loss for you. And I assume that you hoped just as much as her sister and mother that we would eventually find Iris alive.”

“Of course I did,” Carlos whispered. He huffed. “And even now she could still be alive, right? She could have lost the bracelet in the car without noticing if she was angry or agitated. Or she could have survived the crash if you can really only identify two remains. There is still hope.”

“Carlos,” Washington whispered forlornly.

Carlos shook his head and wiped the tears from his face. “I know. It’s bullshit. It’s not … But it doesn’t matter how slim the chances are. It’s still possible.”

Washington sighed. “I know. I foolishly hoped it would be easier for you to accept. Did you see the phone we found in the car?”

Carlos nodded slowly. “I didn’t recognize it.”

“I hoped you might. The records show it’s the phone Iris used to call 9-1-1 for weeks.”

Carlos closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. “You should ask Dustin if he recognizes anything else. I probably wouldn’t know her clothes or if she had a new purse or something like that.” It hurt to be reminded how little he had still known about Iris when she had disappeared.

“That is the next point on my agenda,” Detective Washington assured. “I will have to inform Michelle and her mother soon as well. But there is no harm in waiting for another week or so to see if we will get back any test results. Talking to Mr. Shepard has become very difficult, though. His lawyers are shielding him from all contact.”

“Can’t blame him,” Carlos muttered. He hadn’t learned much about the situation since Tony had left, but he was glad that Dustin finally had the kind of support that he desperately needed for the past three years. “I’m sure he’ll make an exception for this. He’ll be devastated, though.”

“Quite,” Washington agreed. “No one who has any long-term knowledge about the situation blames Mr. Shepard for his actions. Have you had any contact with Michelle lately?”

“No. And I’m not particularly sad about that.” Carlos sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead. “Do you still need me for anything? I think I would like … to go home.” He had honestly no idea how long he would be able to hold on before he lost his control.

Washington smiled sadly and shook her head. “You are free to go and I’ll keep you informed about any news. Should I call you an Uber?”

Carlos huffed out a dry laugh. “I think I’m capable of driving myself, but thank you for your concern.”

She led him all the way out of the building, and Carlos suspected she didn’t believe him about being able to drive. She thankfully didn’t bring it up again and let him go as soon as he left the building. He locked the car from the inside as soon as he had closed the door and leaned his head against the steering wheel.

At first, he just concentrated on his breathing but he barely managed to hold on for a minute before he started to shake uncontrollably. The tears came next and, in the end, Carlos didn’t know how long he sat in his car crying over Iris’ loss. He wouldn’t stop hoping, but that didn’t mean he was blind to the reality. It would be a miracle if anyone could have survived the truck rolling down the slope, and there was barely any doubt Iris had been in the truck.

Carlos forcefully rubbed his hands over his face and grabbed his phone, sending off a short text to Tony, asking if he had a moment for a phone call. To his surprise, Tony called back with a video call immediately.

Tony looked troubled when Carlos answered the call. “Are you in your car?”

“I’m not driving,” Carlos said. “I take it you already know the news.”

Tony sighed and nodded. “Detective Washington called me yesterday. I think she’s worried about you and would have liked for me to be there for you. I’m sorry that she didn’t have better news for you.”

“I don’t think I believe it yet.”

“No, that will take time,” Tony said softly. “And you will probably go back and forth between acceptance and denial. Call me whenever you need me. Or JJ and Will. They’re happy to listen to you as well, if you need to talk.”

“I’ll remember that,” Carlos murmured. “I don’t know what … I didn’t expect this. I thought I was prepared for it, but I’m not. I wish I could go back three years and … just be there for her.”

Tony sighed. “That’s not the kind of fantasy you should hold onto. You can’t go back. And what happened to Iris is not your fault, Carlos.”

Carlos inhaled deeply.

“It’s not,” Tony repeated. “Please repeat after me: I’m not at fault for what happened to Iris.”

Carlos blew his breath out through his teeth. “I’m not at fault for what happened to Iris.”

Tony nodded. “Call your therapist. This is a huge blow, even if you were expecting it all along. You shouldn’t deal with it on your own.”

“I’ll call her when I’m home,” Carlos promised. “I feel like this is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any moment now.”

“I know how that feels,” Tony said quietly. “And I wish I could tell you it is. Call me any time. This will hit you at moments when you don’t expect it. I promise I’ll take your calls when I can. And if you can’t wait for me to call back, try JJ or Will. One of us will be able to answer.”

“I asked Detective Washington not to tell Michelle and Theresa yet,” Carlos whispered. “For purely selfish reasons. I don’t want to deal with their reactions yet.”

“Even after they know, you don’t have to deal with their reaction,” Tony said darkly. “You don’t need to meet them, you don’t need to stay if they seek you out.”

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.”

“And it will be easy for you to follow,” Tony said. “Just leave when Michelle shows up. Don’t open your door to her. Block her number. Ignore her. You don’t owe her anything. And you especially don’t owe her setting your own grief to the side for whatever she wants to demand from you.”

Carlos rubbed a hand through his hair and shook his head.

“Just envision my voice in your head and leave,” Tony said darkly. “I’ll try to come by for a couple of days soon.”

“You don’t need to,” Carlos protested.

“I know, I’ll still come visit,” Tony said. “Go home, now. Sitting in your car isn’t the right place to come to terms with what you’ve learned today.”

***

TK shared a startled look with Paul when they met in front of Carlos’ door. He had gotten a text from Carlos half an hour ago that had deeply alarmed him. It had been short, just a question if TK would come over, but it had been riddled with typos. TK had been in the middle of a grocery run with his father, but he hadn’t hesitated to abandon that in favor of Carlos.

“He called you for help as well?” Paul asked with a worried frown.

TK blew out a breath. “He texted, but it sure sounded like a call for help.”

Paul nodded slowly and then turned around to ring the bell. They waited for nearly two minutes before TK reached around Paul to ring the bell again. And again, they waited in vain for an answer.

Finally, TK pulled out his phone and called Carlos. The call was answered immediately at least, and TK blew out a relieved breath.

“Yeah?” Carlos’ voice sounded weak and sore.

“Paul and I are in front of your door,” TK said softly. “Where are you?”

“Oh.” Carlos sighed. “Wait a moment.”

The call disconnected and TK nervously turned the phone in his hands. A short while later the door opened and Carlos stared at them with a strangely empty face. He was pale and his eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. TK shared another shocked look with Paul before they pushed Carlos back into the house and to the couch. They sat down on each side of him, and TK reached for Carlos’ hand.

“What happened?” Paul asked.

“They found the truck,” Carlos whispered, staring ahead rigidly. “It has been lying in a ditch for the last three years. The chances that Iris wasn’t in it are pretty much nonexistent.”

TK wrapped one arm around Carlos’ shoulders and leaned against him. “I’m so sorry.”

“They haven’t confirmed it yet,” Carlos murmured. “It might take weeks before we get any DNA results. There is nothing left but skeletons.”

“But they told you already?” Paul asked incredulously.

“I needed to look at the items they found in the truck.” Carlos exhaled and seemed to deflate, his shoulders hanging even lower than before. “Iris’ bracelet was there. She never took that off.”

“Damn,” Paul muttered. “What do you need?”

Carlos shrugged. “Not to be alone. Being alone here drove me crazy. Thanks for coming over.”

“Always, man,” Paul said quietly.

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” TK whispered and pressed a kiss against Carlos’ temple.

“I don’t know what I need. I don’t even know what I should think or feel!”

“There is no right or wrong here,” TK murmured. “Whatever you feel is completely valid.”

“I want to keep hoping it’s all a mistake,” Carlos murmured brokenly. “I want to believe that … I’d have felt it all along if she were really dead.”

“Getting the DNA results will hopefully give you closure,” Paul said.

“Or if they don’t find her DNA it will leave me wondering. I have no idea what I should hope for.”

“Maybe don’t hope for anything and just wait,” Paul said.

Carlos huffed. “Everyone is giving me these grand pieces of advice today, that they think are so easy when they are the most difficult things I can imagine.”

“Who else gave you what advice?” TK asked.

“Tony said I should just ignore and block Michelle after she learns about this,” Carlos said with a deep sigh. “There will be no escaping her!”

“Just say the word and we’ll run interference for you,” Paul said.

That startled Carlos into a short laugh that ended in a broken sob.

Paul huffed. “No, honestly. I’m sure we can come up with ways to make her chase her own tail while looking for you. Tim and Nancy will help.”

TK bit his lip to hide his small grin. He was sure Tim and Nancy would be happy to play any kind of game to make Michelle Blake’s life a little more difficult. He was glad that Paul had taken over the conversation, because he didn’t have any idea what to say or do to help Carlos instead of just making the situation worse.

“What do you need?” Paul asked quietly.

Carlos shrugged. “A way to turn back time.”

Paul blew out a breath. “Yeah, sadly that’s not possible. And not the kind of thought you should spend too much time on. Do you want to talk about Iris or would you rather be distracted from what you learned today?”

Carlos was quiet for a while before he blew out a breath. “I wish I could just stop thinking about it for a while. I have no idea how to do that.”

“Distraction it is,” Paul nodded. “Wanna go dancing?”

TK frowned, feeling a little put out by the thought on Carlos’ behalf. “Really?”

“When I needed a distraction you took me to that club,” Paul said with a shrug.

Carlos sighed. “Sounds as good as anything else.”

TK was sure Carlos could have exchanged “good” for “bad” in his answer and the meaning wouldn’t have changed at all for him. “We don’t need to go with the first suggestion we come up with.”

“No, going to a club doesn’t sound bad,” Carlos said. After a moment he looked at TK. “Unless you need…”

“I’m good,” TK interrupted him with a weak smile. “Dancing sounds good. And if it doesn’t work we can come up with something else.” He gave Carlos a once over. “You should probably take a quick shower first, though.”

Carlos snorted and rolled his eyes and slowly walked upstairs without another word. TK turned to Paul as soon as he heard a door close upstairs. Paul just shrugged and rubbed his hands over his head.

“I’m not sure this is the right idea,” TK said with a frown.

“Yeah, agreed,” Paul said. “But it’s still the best idea for the moment. I thought about suggesting a hike, but that’s something he did with Iris in the past, so I think it would be more of a reminder than a distraction. And it’s getting dark soon, anyway. Who’s Tony?”

“A friend from out of town,” TK murmured. “A good friend, I think, and I’m glad Carlos already called him.”

“I’m glad he called us,” Paul said. “He said he expected it, but he’s clearly…” He waved his hand as he trailed off and then rubbed it over his head again.

“Yeah,” TK agreed, biting his lip.

They fell into an uncomfortable silence, but TK wasn’t willing to even try to break it. Carlos came back down a little more than ten minutes later, looking at least a little refreshed, though his face was still slack and his eyes still red-rimmed. He didn’t say anything as he followed TK to his car and TK just silently offered his hand after they pulled out onto the road.

Half an hour later they were at the same club they had taken Paul to, and Paul dragged them both onto the dance floor. Gradually the tension in Carlos’ shoulders relaxed, and eventually a small smile returned to his face, although TK could still see the sadness in his eyes. TK was too focused on Carlos to get lost in the music himself, but the more he saw Carlos relax the more he thought that Paul’s idea might not have been the worst after all.

At one point Carlos grabbed TK’s hand and dragged him to the bar, ordering water for TK and a soda for himself. They left a still dancing Paul behind and searched for an empty table at the edge of the dance floor. It was too loud for any kind of conversation, but TK felt that might be something Carlos needed at the moment. They stood side by side, their arms pressed together, and TK tried to spend more time watching the crowd than watching Carlos out of the corner of his eye.

After several songs, Carlos leaned over to TK. “Looks like Paul found a date. That’s the third song in a row she’s danced with him.”

TK chuckled and nodded. He had noticed that as well.

“Thank you,” Carlos said right beside TK’s ear before he pressed a kiss against it. “This has helped more than I expected.”

TK took his hand and laced their fingers together. He turned his head and smiled reassuringly. “I’m glad.”

Paul abandoned his dance partner when the song ended and came over to them. He was panting and his eyes were glowing in excitement, but the rest of his face didn’t match his eyes.

“You need to help me!” he shouted over the table, leaning against it heavily.

Carlos laughed. “It looked as if you were getting along just fine without us!”

“I told her I’m not here to find a hookup and she just laughed at me!” Paul complained.

“So maybe she wouldn’t mind a date at a quieter place,” TK said grinning.

Paul glared at him. “You know exactly why I’m not doing that with people I meet randomly!”

TK shrugged. “Sometimes you need to take a risk! And she clearly thinks the same. She’s coming over here with two beers! I guess you left an impression!”

Paul groaned and dropped his head to the table.

“TK’s right!” Carlos shouted. “Life’s too short not to enjoy it while it happens!”

TK flinched a little bit and Carlos pressed his shoulder against him in response. Paul on the other hand raised his head and looked at Carlos incredulously. “You’re one to talk!”

The woman Paul had been dancing with reached their table at that moment and put one of the beers she was carrying in front of Paul. She grinned at them. “Hey. I’m Asha!”

“Carlos and TK.” He pointed with his glass first at Carlos then at himself. “Nice to meet you!”

Paul huffed but accepted the beer offered to him.

“I’m sorry for stealing Paul away,” Asha shouted. “He said you were here to provide some kind of distraction.”

“Oh, I’m plenty distracted,” Carlos said. “I don’t mind you stealing him away again!”

Paul glared at Carlos and mouthed ‘Traitor!’, and Asha laughed delightedly. “That’s good to know.”

“I think we’ll be out of here soon anyway,” Carlos said. “And you two seemed to enjoy your time on the dance floor.”

Paul huffed and emptied half his beer in one go. The small talk was kept short, partly because of the loud music, but mostly because Asha turned to Paul to flirt with him, mostly ignoring Carlos and TK from then on. With her attention back on him again, Paul’s reluctance vanished from one moment to the next, and TK and Carlos spent the following ten minutes quietly grinning at their friend until both Asha and Paul had finished their drinks and returned to the dance floor.

“Let’s hope this works out better than with Josie!” TK said amused.

“Agreed. Let’s go home?”

TK nodded.

“I don’t think I should be alone tonight,” Carlos said quietly. “Would you…”

“I’ll stay,” TK promised, squeezing Carlos’ hand.

***

“Thank you for coming over,” Dustin said quietly as he let Carlos into his house. “I didn’t know if you’d even want to hear from me, but … I don’t know who else I can talk to.”

Carlos smiled and shook his head. “There is no reason why I shouldn’t talk to you. I’m glad you called, I was waiting for it, honestly.”

Dustin sighed and shrugged. He looked as if he hadn’t slept at all for several days, and Carlos wondered when Detective Washington had asked him to identify anything that might have belonged to Iris. It had been five days for Carlos, and sleep hadn’t been easy to come by for him either. The shock of the first day had worn off, partly through TK and Paul dragging him out for the evening, but there was a deep sadness lingering inside him that often overtook him when he wasn’t expecting it.

“Do you want some coffee?” Dustin asked, trailing his fingers through his hair and looking lost.

“Sure,” Carlos agreed and trailed along when Dustin went to the kitchen.

“Detective Washington said you had already identified Iris’ bracelet,” Dustin whispered. “She was wearing it when she left here that day, I’m sure of that. There was also … I recognized the purse she had. It was empty, though. Detective Washington suspects someone found the wreckage, and instead of calling it in ransacked it for what little cash there was.”

Carlos sighed. “I keep waking up and hoping it was a nightmare.”

Dustin huffed. “I haven’t slept since. Called in sick at the school for the rest of the week.”

Carlos nodded silently. His captain had offered him leave, but Carlos needed the distraction and his job was a better distraction than anything else. Instead of taking a couple of days off, he had asked for some extra shifts, which had only been granted sparingly.

It was better than nothing, and he had managed to spend his free time either with his new friends from the 126 or on video calls with Tony, JJ, Will, or even their children. Carlos had probably watched more Disney movies in the last five days, through long-distance watch parties, than he had in the last fifteen years combined. Henry, Michael, and Clarice were all in agreement that that was the only right way to distract someone from being sad, and they had also been very opinionated about which movies to watch.

“I kept hoping, you know?” Dustin said. “I … the last time I talked to Michelle before Tony stepped in, she waited for me in front of my school. That day I told her something like ‘at least you are finally talking about Iris in the past tense’. She has always gone back and forth in how she talks about Iris, and I mostly just wanted to hurt her in that moment, but I also thought I had long since accepted that Iris was gone.”

“I thought I was prepared to eventually get this kind of news as well,” Carlos agreed. He laughed self-loathingly. “I really wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry for the trouble that whole thing my lawyer kicked off caused for you,” Dustin said. He gave Carlos a cup of coffee and pointed to the living room. “It’s a little scary to watch him work, but … for the most part I enjoy it probably more than I should.”

“A couple of weeks of desk duty is no trouble, really,” Carlos said. “And I made sure my own ass was covered starting the minute I understood that someone was protecting Michelle. I created a paper trail by filing the proper forms about everything. Every time I arrested her and was ordered to let her go a couple of streets away, every time I lodged a complaint with anyone, every time I asked not to be sent on calls involving Michelle. I might have a little bit of a bad reputation with some people now, but I can live with that.”

Carlos turned the cup in his hands and stared down at the table. “I’m sorry I didn’t do something earlier. Anything. It shouldn’t have taken my own patience with Michelle snapping to figure out how to stop her.”

Dustin huffed. “You’re the one who told me to get the restraining order, have you forgotten that? Without the restraining order, there wouldn’t be much of a case against Michelle now.”

“And then I ignored it when that didn’t do anything and someone was clearly protecting her, other than to protecting my own ass, of course.”

“You mentioned you went to your boss and were told to shut up,” Dustin said. “Sounds to me like you did try to help.”

Carlos blew out a breath and shrugged. “I’m still sorry this went on for so long and that I was in any way a part of the problem.”

“I think in the end you were just as helpless as me.” Dustin shook his head. “I’m not angry at you. I’m preparing to leave Austin as soon as possible. The end of the school year at the latest. I already have a new job lined up at a school in Phoenix starting with the new year. My principal here is looking for an immediate replacement for me. If she finds someone to take over my classes before the year ends, I’m out of here.”

Carlos smiled weakly. “That’s good. I’m not sure I’d stay if my parents weren’t here.”

“My lawyer is pushing me to sue the city,” Dustin said quietly. “I’m not sure about that, though. He says he’d be able to handle most of it without me, that I’d only need to come back for certain appointments with the court, but … I honestly just want all of it to be over.”

“Suing them for compensation, right?” Carlos wet his lip and stared into his coffee with a frown. “You deserve whatever money they may settle on. And chances are high they’d settle out of court. Michelle put you through hell over the last three years, and instead of helping you, the APD enabled her. If nothing else, it will make your new start in Phoenix easier.”

“Just seems like too much of a hassle,” Dustin muttered.

“What’s your lawyer say about that?” Carlos asked.

Dustin shrugged. “That I don’t need to worry about anything. That he’ll take care of everything.”

“Which is exactly what he’s done so far, right?” Carlos asked. “I say, go for it.”

Dustin chuckled, shaking his head. “You work for the APD and you still want me to sue them?”

“I do,” Carlos agreed. “I want you to be able to start your new life without having to worry about anything. You’ve had to do that too much over the last three years. The kind of money they’ll likely settle on you would enable you to find a new house you love and to pay for therapy if your insurance won’t.”

Dustin scoffed. “Therapy?”

“I’ve started going,” Carlos said quietly, looking at Dustin solemnly. “Losing someone is always difficult. But losing Iris the way we did … and having to deal with Michelle and Theresa on top of it is … Neither of us needs to deal with that on our own. Therapy sucks, but it also helps. You should really think about it when you get to Pheonix. Starting here when you are moving so soon would probably not work out very well.”

“Tony put you up to this.”

Carlos laughed. “Talking to you about it? No. Sending me to therapy? Yeah, that was his idea. I wasn’t convinced in the beginning either. But … I managed to sleep the last couple of nights after a very exhausting appointment with my therapist, and you didn’t.”

Dustin screwed up his face.

“Just think about it,” Carlos said softly.

Dustin nodded but changed the topic. “I have a restraining order against Theresa now, too. She started showing up here and at my school to demand I leave Michelle alone. It was so strange.”

“I’ve never understood that woman,” Carlos muttered. “I’m surprised neither has bothered me so far, but I guess that will change soon enough. I asked Detective Washington to wait on telling them until we have DNA confirmation.”

“You don’t think they’ll finally calm down now?” Dustin asked with a frown.

“I think Michelle has spent so much time over the last three years building this fantasy that you or someone else murdered Iris, she won’t accept that it was just an accident,” Carlos said. “Theresa has quietly enabled her so far, I don’t see why she should suddenly stop. I’m honestly glad you’ve decided to accept your sister’s invitation. You would never find peace in the same town as the Blakes.”

Dustin rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I’ve finally understood that. And now that we know … I mean, I had already planned to leave before Detective Washington called me. But it’s easier to leave now that I know Iris won’t come back. It will be easier to grieve far away from this place as well. I think you should get a lawyer. When I’m gone, they’ll turn against you, I have no doubt about that.”

Carlos sighed.

“And I think they’ll sue you for Iris’ money,” Dustin said. “I remember how much Iris complained about her mother demanding part of it, and the absurd arguments she had already come up with back then. They’ll use your plans to get divorced against you.”

Carlos closed his eyes. The last thing he needed was that kind of legal battle, but he couldn’t even argue Dustin’s point. Theresa had tried to fight him in the past over managing Iris’ assets, had demanded access to things she had no right to. He hadn’t thought about that yet because he had been sure he had another four years before declaring Iris dead would even be a possibility. It would come much sooner now.

“I hate them both,” Carlos muttered darkly. He folded his arms on the table and rested his forehead on top of them. Having to handle Iris’ estate would be painful enough without having to battle her family over it as well.

“Do you know if Iris had a will?” Dustin asked.

“She didn’t,” Carlos said quietly. He sat up again and stared at a point behind Dustin. “She planned to set one up after the divorce. I made a will as soon as I joined the police academy and we talked about it then. She said we could wait until after the divorce because I would automatically inherit anything anyway if something unexpected happened to her.”

Dustin made a face. “That you planned to get a divorce might give her mother a valid argument now.”

“I’ll get a lawyer,” Carlos promised. “You’re right, I should be prepared for their bullshit, even if that’s the last thing I want to take care of right now.”

“Do that,” Dustin agreed. “In my opinion, neither of them deserves to get anything. We both know Iris would have never wanted her mother to get her hands on a single one of her possessions. And I think after the last three years … Michelle has lost every right to be considered in this as well.”

 

Chapter 14

TK didn’t know what to think when Carlos invited him on a hike, promising him it would be much easier than the one Paul had chosen for the team, even though it was slightly longer. He had known for a while that Carlos enjoyed going on hikes, Paul had bragged for days about the hike he and Carlos had gone on a while ago. Apparently, a ‘real’ hike for Paul was walking up to eighteen miles in one day. While the rest of the team had agreed that going on another hike together was something that could be fun, they had all agreed that Paul would never be allowed to plan one of those for them again. No one wanted to be pulled into that kind of insanity.

It had been a surprise for TK when Paul had mentioned that hiking had been something Carlos had done with Iris in the past. Carlos had talked about Iris sometimes, but this information had never come up.

It made TK a little bit wary of Carlos’ suggestion to go on a small hike. TK had spent most nights for the last week at Carlos’ place since he had learned Iris had most likely been killed in a car accident. That first night, after they had come home from the club, the grief and pain had overwhelmed Carlos as soon as they had turned off the light to go to sleep. He hadn’t seen Carlos quite as devasted as during that first night, but the sadness was always lingering in Carlos’ gaze and tone, no matter what they were talking about.

TK still agreed to the hike without hesitation, always happy to spend time with Carlos. Whether it was intended as a distraction or a way to remember Iris, TK intended to be there for Carlos every step of the way.

“I was hiking here with Paul a while ago,” Carlos said. “Showed him the longest possible route without walking any part twice.”

“Please tell me that not’s your plan for today!”

Carlos laughed. “No. I wouldn’t torture you like that, especially as I know this is already a sacrifice on your part.”

TK huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s not a sacrifice! I liked the hike well enough. Fewer stairs would have been great, though!”

“There’ll be no stairs today,” Carlos assured, laughing. “We’ll be going up and down a little, but nothing that warrants stairs. Thanks for agreeing to this. I just needed to get out of town for the day. The farther away from Michelle and Theresa, the better.”

“Did something happen?” TK asked alarmed. “If they keep bothering you, you should think about getting a restraining order against them for yourself!”

Carlos made a face and shook his head. “I haven’t heard anything from them in a while. But Detective Washington is meeting with them today.”

TK blew out a breath, dropping his arms to his side. “So, the DNA came back?”

Carlos shook his head. “No. That will take a while still. But … they have identified four different skeletal remains, after all, part of each at least. Enough to identify two men and two women. Because of Iris’ purse and bracelet in the car, it is assumed she is one of the women. Her case has been changed from missing person to suspected accidental death already. She won’t be declared officially dead until the tests are back, but it’s time to inform the rest of her family.”

“Four people?” TK asked surprised. “Didn’t you talk about two people who were with Iris?”

Carlos shrugged. “The bartender is probably not the best witness. Especially three years after the fact. Or the other man was waiting outside, who knows.”

“Do they know who the other people were?”

“No. No one else was reported missing who hasn’t been found in the days right after Caldwell and Iris were last seen. Someone will be busy trying to figure that out for the next little while.”

“How are you?” TK asked softly.

“As well as can be expected, I guess,” Carlos whispered. “Sometimes it still hits me out of the blue. I had somehow convinced myself I was prepared for this outcome and then I … am reminded of all the preparations I made for her to come back alive eventually.”

TK raised his brows. “What kind of preparations?”

“I still have her condo and the people I have rented it out to know that I expect to give it back to her eventually,” Carlos said. “It’s the reason I’m renting it way below market value to medical students. They are all in their last or second to last year and were fed up with the dorms on campus. I know they’ll be gone eventually, and Iris would be glad to help her fellow students. The rent goes into a separate account that I only touch if something big needs to be repaired. She wouldn’t have needed to worry about money for a while when she came home. And she could have stayed with me until her current tenants found something new or finished school.”

TK stared at him open-mouthed.

“And when Tony and Detective Washington told me Iris was probably suffering from a mental illness, I started to look up hospitals and long-term care facilities. I already even visited two and talked out some scenarios with them. My insurance would pay for a lot because legally we’re still married.”

“All of that only shows how much you care about her,” TK said quietly. “I’m not surprised you were preparing for her return, and making sure she would be safe and cared for. I’m sorry you won’t be able to use any of those preparations.”

Carlos sighed deeply.

“So, I have a question.”

Carlos turned to look at TK with his brows raised.

“Iris has a condo? In addition to your house? And your car? How the hell did you pay for all of that? From what you said Iris was still in medical school and you had just started working as a cop!”

A grin spread over Carlos’ face. “I haven’t told you about our insane Vegas luck yet?”

“Vegas luck?” TK repeated deadpan.

Carlos laughed and proceeded to tell a story about putting all the money aside either his parents or Iris’ sister gave them in the years after their wedding to support them. Only, neither of them had wanted to use it, so they had put it all aside and gone to Vegas to waste it all, only to come back as millionaires.

“Insane sounds about right,” TK muttered flabbergasted. “People don’t go to a casino and come out rich, usually.”

“And we didn’t expect to either,” Carlos said amused. “We were fully expecting to lose every single cent we brought with us in the end. We won a little bit back here and there of course. That’s the game to hook the players, right? I think the highest amount was 2k at one point when Iris bet on the 0 at a Roulette table at the right moment. We were determined to lose all of that again before we left town.”

“I’m glad you gave up that plan when you suddenly won three million,” TK said, shaking his head.

“We weren’t dumb enough to turn our back on that kind of money,” Carlos said with a huff. “We took care to transfer it to our accounts and used the last day we had left to see more of Vegas than just the casinos. And we tried very hard not to think about how our lives had just changed yet. When we left town, we swore never to return and to never do something like that again. You don’t have that kind of luck twice in one life.”

TK laughed. “Yeah, agreed.”

“We didn’t tell anyone until we had an ironclad plan for what to do with the money,” Carlos said. “We didn’t want anyone trying to influence us.”

“Buying a condo and a house is very responsible,” TK said grinning. “Buying the newest model Camaro probably not so much.”

“We also paid off our student loans and created an account that held the rest of what Iris would need for tuition,” Carlos said, chin raised. “And Iris got her own car, which I have to admit was much less flashy and more practical than mine. However, I cherish my Camaro!”

TK snickered. There was no doubt how much Carlos valued his car. “Did Iris also fulfill one of her childhood dreams at least?”

“Iris’ childhood dream was a long list of books she had already been working on collecting whenever we could afford a new book and a state-of-the-art kitchen,” Carlos said. “The books are all stored away in my attic now, except for the textbooks which are part of the library for our tenants. And the students I rented her condo out to know that they better cherish that kitchen.”

He smiled. “They’re good people, I made sure of that. They are all three working hard for their dream, instead of following Daddy’s dream. Iris would complain for hours about some of her fellow students who only went to medical school because their parents were also already doctors, or their parents just plain wanted them to become doctors. She worked her ass off to get into pre-med and then medical school and to get scholarships to support her. Because Theresa outright refused to support Iris’ dream. She would have only paid for school if Iris had gone to law school.”

TK made a face. “The more you tell me about her, the more I detest this woman. You like to cook, too. Is that something you shared from the beginning?”

Carlos shook his head with an amused huff. “I knew how to cook well enough, Mamá made sure of that. Iris pulled me into cooking after we found her condo. The apartment we lived in before was … cooking there was a fire hazard, and money was pretty tight. We left that apartment behind as soon as we could. At first, we were looking to rent something better, but then we found her condo because we mixed up an address and she fell in love with it. So we bought it. We lived there together for just under a year before I found my house, and Iris turned to cooking when she wanted to escape from studying.

“She dragged me into it, and once I moved out we would alternate between meeting at her place or mine to cook. She always complained about my kitchen, though. And once she met Dustin, he’d join us more often than not. I think we only went to his place once, and it ended with Iris complaining that his kitchen would have been a deal breaker if she had seen it earlier in their relationship. Those cooking nights only really stopped three months before she disappeared because her studying schedule got insane.”

They walked in silence for a while, Carlos clearly lost in thoughts and TK unsure of what to say. It was good to hear Carlos talking about Iris with so much joy, to see that he was able to remember the good times despite the grief that was omnipresent at the moment. TK thought that remembering those happy moments and holding onto them would be the best way for Carlos to deal with his grief.

“I guess I’ll need to figure out what to do with all of her things now,” Carlos said quietly.

“You have time for that,” TK said. “You don’t need to make those decisions now, or in a month, or even in a year. You also don’t need to decide about all of it all at once. You already took care of everything that needed to be taken care of two years ago. Take your time now.”

“Unless Michelle and Theresa won’t give me that time,” Carlos said. “I met with Dustin three days ago. He rightfully pointed out that Theresa will fight to inherit everything from Iris. She has been after Iris’ money since she learned about our good fortune in Vegas. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow after my shift to get prepared for whatever she’ll throw in my direction.”

“She’s getting the confirmation of her daughter’s death and all she’ll think about is money? Really?”

“The only use her daughters ever had to her was what she could gain through them,” Carlos said bitterly. “Iris recognized that very early on, but I think Michelle still hasn’t recognized it. And maybe losing Iris destroyed any chance that she could ever recognize it.”

“So she will support her mother,” TK muttered.

He hoped, now more than ever, that Michelle Blake wouldn’t return to her job as paramedic captain. So far it didn’t look very likely from what he knew about the situation through Tim and Nancy, but there hadn’t been a definite decision yet. TK didn’t know if he would ever be able to work with her again after everything he had learned about her in the meantime. The little bit of professional respect he had once held for her had completely vanished.

“I don’t doubt that.”

TK huffed. “Paul was right last week when he offered that we’d shield you from her. You aren’t alone in facing any of this.”

***

Carlos was on his lunch break, fully concentrating on his street tacos, when Michelle sat down on the other side of the table without so much as a greeting. It had been three days since Detective Washington had met with Theresa and Michelle, and so far, he hadn’t heard anything from either of them. He had hoped that Michelle would at least know not to accost him while he was on shift.

“My break will be over soon,” Carlos said without looking up from his food.

Michelle scoffed. “You owe me an explanation!”

Carlos sighed, put his food down, and cleaned his hands. He crossed his arms and braced them on the table before he looked at her. “Really? I think you might owe me an apology.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when Detective Washington reached out to you? You should have taken me with you when she asked you to identify things for her!”

“If Detective Washington wanted your help, she’d have asked you herself,” Carlos said darkly. “The last time we saw each other you accused me of murdering Iris. I didn’t think there was anything left to say between us after that.”

Michelle rolled her eyes. “I was angry and hurt, you can hardly hold that against me. And I never said it that way anyway. You are confusing me with Mom.”

Carlos stared at her silently.

“You should have told me they found the blue truck!” Michelle hissed. “You should have already told me when they learned who it belonged to!”

“I don’t owe you anything, Michelle,” Carlos said calmly. “I don’t owe you any kind of consideration anymore. I think it’s best if we just don’t talk to each other again.”

“You owe my family everything!” Michelle hissed, leaning over the table.

Carlos raised his brows. “Why?”

“Iris should have never had to marry you!” Michelle said angrily. “Everything that went bad in her life can be traced back to that dumb decision!”

“I see, your mother is talking through you again,” Carlos mocked her. “Iris and I were adults, and very capable of making our own decisions.”

“You used her friendship with you and pushed her into it when you wanted to hide from your parents! If she had stayed living with Mom while finishing school, like she had planned until you came around, none of this would have ever happened! She wouldn’t have met Dustin and she wouldn’t be dead now!”

Carlos exhaled slowly. “You are still accusing Dustin of having anything to do with this? Really?”

“I know he is somehow involved!” Michelle hissed, leaning over the table and glaring at him. “I don’t believe for a moment that this was an accident! He was probably jealous that she was hooking up with someone else!”

Carlos shook his head. “You need help. Aren’t you in enough trouble? Has the AFD already made a decision about your employment with them?”

Michelle huffed, leaned back again, and crossed her arms over her chest. “They won’t fire me. And this shady lawyer Dustin found won’t get anywhere with those lawsuits he is threatening everyone with! I haven’t done anything wrong!”

“You have done a lot of things wrong,” Carlos said. “And I’m not sure that only started after Iris went missing. Dustin is innocent, and he is grieving for Iris just as much as you and I are. Just leave him alone already.”

“He isn’t grieving!” Michelle nearly shouted. “He is greedy and vicious. He had started to control every aspect of her life! The last time I was out with Iris he called half a dozen times to ask where she was.”

Carlos raised his brows. “He texted her half a dozen times. And the first five of those were keeping her informed where he was. I have seen the records of those texts, Michelle. Only the last one was about asking her when she’d come home.”

Michelle scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“You couldn’t stand him from the very beginning,” Carlos said resigned.

“He wasn’t good enough for Iris! And he proved me right by killing her!”

“You’ll end up in jail for slander if you don’t stop,” Carlos said. “Dustin’s new lawyer won’t let you get away with this insanity any longer. I think he has already proven that.”

Michelle shook her head. “You need to help me find out what really happened! I’m sure they are holding back the reports on the cause of the accident. It can’t have been an accident! And I don’t believe for a moment that Iris was voluntarily hanging out with a guy like this Wade Caldwell.”

Carlos sighed. “I won’t help you with anything. I thought I made that clear when you asked me about the blue truck.”

“But you found it and went to Detective Washington with it!” Michelle protested. “You shouldn’t have kept me out of the loop, but you did help me find out more about it!”

“I actually didn’t,” Carlos said hesitantly. “I didn’t go to Detective Washington, and I didn’t tell her about the truck. That was Tony. And he wasn’t even here to look into Iris’ case.”

Michelle frowned. “You asked him to help with that, though, didn’t you?”

“No.” Carlos leaned back a little. “I was fed up with the way you treated me when I was sent to fetch you from Dustin’s place. I was fed up with being sent out on those calls at all when I had protested it over and over again. So I complained to a friend. Who came to solve the problem for me. I honestly have no idea why Tony even looked into Iris’ case in the end.”

Michelle reared back. “What?”

“I didn’t ask him for help outright, but he still came to take care of the situation you were creating,” Carlos said.

She would start raging against him soon enough anyway, and sooner rather than later she would find out about Tony’s involvement in her current situation, and therefore also his involvement. It might be better to just rip that band-aid off right away. Maybe it would finally make her see that she couldn’t manipulate him into helping her again.

“You are responsible for Dustin’s new lawyer?” Michelle asked aghast.

Carlos shrugged. “In a way. I mean, I don’t know the guy. Never met him. But I know that Tony somehow helped to get Dustin into contact with him.”

“Are you paying him as well?” Michelle hissed. “Probably with Iris’ money even!”

“Dustin’s lawyer is handling the case pro bono,” Carlos said. “And anyway, that money has always been mine and Iris’ together. And if I were to help Dustin financially, I don’t think Iris would’ve minded. She would hate you for what you’ve done to Dustin, you realize that, right? She loved him, and she was planning her life with him.”

“She was planning to break up with him!” Michelle said darkly. “He has even admitted that they were fighting more than not over the last couple of weeks!”

Carlos sighed. “Has Detective Washington told you anything else or has she just told you about finding the blue truck?”

Michelle frowned. “There’s more?”

Carlos closed his eyes and silently cursed Detective Washington out. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, and maybe she had a reason that she hadn’t told Michelle and Theresa about the phone calls and their suspicions, but now he’d already put the topic on the table. “They found a lot of phone calls that Iris made to 9-1-1. Calls that, combined with the things everyone else reported about Iris over the last weeks before she disappeared, have led us to believe that she might have been suffering from a mental breakdown. Maybe schizophrenia.”

Michelle huffed. “Bullshit.”

“Think, Michelle,” Carlos said quietly, imploringly. “Do you honestly not remember that she was behaving strangely?”

“That tale was a lie my father invented to protect his mother’s image in his mind because it took away her responsibility for her own actions!” Michelle hissed. “We don’t have a history of schizophrenia in the family. I would have known if Iris had been ill! The only thing that was different about her was her struggle with Dustin’s controlling behavior!”

Carlos shook his head. “I give up. I really don’t see that we have anything further to discuss anymore.”

Michelle reached over the table and grabbed his arm when he moved to stand up. “I’m not done yet, Carlos! What do you know about this so-called accident?”

Carlos stared at her blankly. “Let go. Don’t think I won’t file a report against you.”

Michelle scoffed and tightened her fingers around his wrist. “Could you take this seriously for just one moment?”

“I have taken this seriously from the very beginning,” Carlos said quietly. “Right now, you are restraining a police officer on duty. In front of a lot of witnesses. If you don’t let go immediately, I will write you up for this.”

Michelle let go and pulled her hand back like she’d been burned, turning her head to look at the people around them as if she had forgotten they were there. Most of them were staring at them and had been doing so for quite a while.

Carlos grabbed the rest of his tacos and stood. “Get therapy, Michelle. I think that’s the only thing that could still help you.” He turned away and walked toward the food truck to ask them to wrap up was what left of his lunch so he could eat it later.

“Carlos, wait!” Michelle came after him, pleadingly.

“I have nothing left to say to you,” Carlos said without turning to her.

“You need to help us with Dustin!” Michelle insisted loudly. “You owe that much to Iris! She gave up so much when she married you to help you hide that you’re gay! You can’t just turn your back on her now! Dustin is planning to move away, and once he’s left town we won’t have a chance anymore of bringing him to justice!”

Carlos turned abruptly and she nearly ran into him. He glared at her coldly. “Your little mind games don’t work on me anymore. Your obsession with Dustin is dangerous, to both you and Dustin. I thought the trouble you’ve been in for weeks would have taught you that already. You need to let go of this and move on!”

“How can I let go when my sister’s murderer goes free?”

Carlos gritted his teeth. “Go get help, Michelle. And I’m not the right person to give you that help!”

He turned back to the food cart and the young man who had sold him his food earlier took what was left without a word and wrapped it, casting suspicious glances in Michelle’s direction the whole time. When Carlos got his packed food back and turned to leave, she was still standing right behind him, watching him with an expression on her face that he couldn’t read.

“You should leave this place before I’m forced to arrest you,” he warned her and walked away.

***

Carlos was a little nervous standing in front of Paul’s door, a six-pack of beer dangling in one hand. He hadn’t even called ahead to ask if Paul was home or if he had time for an impromptu evening together.

After his very disastrous lunch break, he had decided after all to write Michelle up and had reported the whole situation to his captain. From there the rest of his shift had suddenly been spent talking to people he had hoped he’d never need to talk to, including Dustin’s shark of a lawyer who had been very interested to hear about the slander Michelle was spreading about Dustin.

After the end of his shift, during which it hadn’t felt much like doing his actual job for the second half of the day, Carlos had gone to his parents’ house because they had been expecting him for dinner. There had been a shift in his relationship with them ever since he had unloaded all his thoughts and emotions onto his mother. The change was coming slowly, but it was there, and they had been fussing over him since he had told them that it was as good as confirmed that Iris was dead.

In the end, Carlos hadn’t been able to bear their worry for long, too distracted by his encounter with Michelle but also unwilling to talk with them about it. So he had bid his goodbyes as soon as they had eaten, then stopped to get Paul’s favorite beer, and had come over without even knowing if Paul was home.

When Paul opened the door, Carlos rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish smile. “Sorry for just showing up without a warning?” It was clear from the towel around Paul’s neck along with his still-wet chest and the clearly hastily pulled-on sweatpants that Carlos had interrupted Paul’s shower.

Paul blinked. “No problem. Come on inside. And give me five minutes.”

Carlos held up the beer. “I’ll just put this in the fridge?”

Paul stared at the beer for a moment. “Put two of them in the freezer. Then we can have a cold beer in around half an hour.” He turned and walked back into his bathroom.

Carlos ventured into the kitchen, did as ordered, and then dropped down on Paul’s couch. He threw his head back and closed his eyes, trying to push the thoughts about Michelle back. She had scared him earlier and he didn’t know how to handle that. Carlos hadn’t been aware of how obsessed she really was with Dustin, and he wondered how much it would take for her to escalate even more. He had voiced these thoughts to Dustin’s lawyer and hoped the man would advise Dustin to leave town sooner rather than later. Maybe tomorrow he should call Dustin himself and tell him about Michelle’s behavior.

“Hey.”

Carlos was startled so much that he nearly jumped up from the couch and Paul watched him with raised brows. “Sorry again for just showing up. I’m not throwing off any plans you had, am I?”

“Nah, you’re good, man,” Paul said. “And you brought beer, my favorite even, so that’s enough to make up for any inconvenience.”

Carlos chuckled. “We just need to remember that beer I put in the freezer. I’m not helping you clean that up if we leave it in too long!”

“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry. So, you once more look as if you’ve seen a ghost. What happened?”

Carlos groaned. “I only show up when I need a distraction, huh?”

“Not really,” Paul said. “I think you’ve just had a couple of really shitty weeks. Anything new about Iris?”

“No. But about Michelle. Who seems to have lost her mind. She showed up during my lunch break and said some crazy things. She is still convinced Dustin killed Iris. And she tried to tell me I owe it to Iris to help her find proof against Dustin.”

“That’s some twisted logic,” Paul said with a frown.

“We were at a food truck and she shouted for everyone to hear that I only married Iris to hide that I’m gay,” Carlos said. “I think that’s the worst way I’ve been outed to total strangers yet. Makes me very glad that I never confided anything in her that I’m holding really close to my chest. It’s pretty clear she’ll use everything she can as a weapon, right?”

“Sounds like it,” Paul muttered. “Have you thought about a restraining order against her?”

Carlos laughed quietly. “TK suggested the same. I haven’t so far, but today just might have changed my mind.”

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with shit like this,” Paul said darkly. “They should give you time to grieve instead of pulling this shit. They should grieve as well. Have you heard anything from her mother?”

Carlos shook his head. “I don’t expect to, either. Theresa will come from a direction she thinks will be unexpected. I already have a lawyer whose single purpose for the moment is to make sure there is no unexpected direction.”

Paul huffed. “You know what? We need that beer now even if it’s still too warm.” He stood without waiting for Carlos’ protest and returned with the two open bottles a little while later. “I put two more bottles in the freezer. I don’t think it will take us too long to empty these.”

Carlos laughed. “I don’t plan to get wasted.”

“Three bottles of beer each will hardly get us wasted,” Paul said, rolling his eyes. “Too drunk for you to get home, especially in that nice car of yours, but not wasted. You can have my couch for the night.”

“Probably a good idea. And not just because of the beer,” Carlos muttered.

“You think she’ll show up at your home?” Paul asked with a frown.

Carlos shrugged. “I don’t know what to expect from Michelle anymore.”

“Sounds scary,” Paul said. “Especially considering the mental state of that woman. Is there any suspicion of foul play about the accident at all?”

“None,” Carlos said with a sigh. He took a sip of his beer. “It looks like the tire on the front passenger side blew because it was worn out. Shitty maintenance after the vehicle was stolen got four people killed, Iris included.”

Paul made a face. “Sucks.”

Carlos sighed. “By the way, if you ever meet my parents, be prepared to be adopted.”

Paul blinked. “I don’t think I can follow that change of subject.”

“I just had dinner with them,” Carlos said. “It’s weird right now, though, because they’re hovering. I think they expect me to break down any moment over Iris.”

Paul pursed his lips. “I mean, you did. Just not with them.”

“TK tattled, huh?”

Paul emptied half his bottle. “Honestly, he didn’t need to. I was expecting it and I was glad he was with you during the night. I’m sorry my idea with the club didn’t help.”

Carlos shook his head. “It did help. A lot. It helped me remember that … even if Iris’ life is over, mine isn’t. And she’d kick my ass if I led this drag me down in a way that’d stop me living my life as well. Doesn’t mean I’m not devastated. That I don’t want to rage against the injustice of the universe. Iris didn’t deserve this. She had her whole life ahead of her.”

Paul frowned but didn’t say anything.

“There isn’t much in this city that’s not somehow connected with Iris for me,” Carlos said. “Including that club. I mean, she never went there with me. She always said she couldn’t dance and never went to any clubs because she found them too loud and hectic. But when I would tell her about a new club I wanted to try out, she’d research the hell out of the place. Said she needed to make sure I’d be safe. I don’t know, I just associated that place becoming my favorite with her. Anyway, going there helped, even if I’m crap at explaining why.”

Paul chuckled. “That’s okay. We don’t need to always be able to explain how we feel, you know? Especially when it comes to love and grief. I think both are very irrational emotions that are just there, and the only thing we can do is learn to handle and cherish them.”

Carlos grinned. “How did your night end, by the way?”

For a moment Paul glared at him, but then he started to smile bashfully and lowered his gaze. “Good. We have a date after my next shift. We met for breakfast last week as well.”

“That’s great,” Carlos said softly.

“The absurd thing is, we went to school together,” Paul said.

Carlos choked on his beer. “What now?”

Paul chuckled. “Her family moved from Chicago to Austin when Asha was ten. Before that, we were in the same class, and she recognized me. Took her a little while to figure it out. We went to get something to eat after the club. She kept mentioning she was sure that she knew me from somewhere, and it all fell into place when I told her I had just moved here from Chicago.”

“So, she knows,” Carlos said. “And clearly has no problem with it. See, taking a chance wasn’t that bad of a thing. It wouldn’t have been even if you had just enjoyed an evening out on the dance floor with her.”

Paul huffed. “I can already tell you’ll never let me forget this!”

“Of course not,” Carlos said grinning. “Now I’m even more grateful that we followed your suggestion.”

Paul cleared his throat. “We got derailed from that comment over your mom. What’s this about her adopting me?”

Carlos sighed and looked down, picking at the label on his bottle. “You remember what you said to me about my situation with my parents when we were hiking? That I needed to take a chance if I wanted to change anything with that situation.”

“Yeah.”

“I went to her and … practically unloaded everything I had ever thought or felt about their reaction to me coming out to them and then to my marriage.” Carlos blew out a breath. “I think I broke her heart a little bit, but we’ve been able to work on it since then. It’s a long process, I guess. She said she destroyed my trust in her, and I … I never thought about it like that, but I also wasn’t able to disagree with her.”

Paul hummed. “The trust others have in you is a terribly fragile thing and hard to rebuild once it’s broken. Sometimes I think that is even more true for family because we grow up trusting them, never know anything else, so when they break it, it’s … devastating.”

Carlos nodded slowly. He took a sip of his beer and ran his tongue over his lips, still staring down. “We are working on it now. At least Mamá and I. I’m not ready yet to have that kind of open and honest conversation with Papi.”

“That still doesn’t explain how I factor in,” Paul said skeptically.

“I only talked to Mamá about it because of you,” Carlos said and looked up at Paul with a sheepish grin. “Mamá knows that. When I first went to her, I just mentioned a new friend, but earlier tonight I mentioned your name. We might have had very limited contact for years, but I know her. She can’t wait to meet you, and she won’t hesitate to fully absorb you into the family because you’re the reason I’ve finally been willing to open up to them again.”

Paul laughed. “She does know we aren’t dating, right?”

Carlos huffed and rolled his eyes. “Yes. She doesn’t just assume all of my male friends are lovers, you know?”

“Some people would,” Paul muttered darkly. “Glad your parents aren’t part of that group. You should make sure she knows that my first impression of her was not the best and to keep that in mind if we ever meet. But I’m glad that situation has turned out better for you.”

 

Chapter 15

“To Mateo!” Owen said aloud, raising his glass and nearly bursting with pride.

Everyone raised their drinks in response and repeated the toast while Mateo sank a little deeper into his seat in embarrassment despite the wide, proud grin on his face. They had all been with him when he faced his exam earlier, waiting anxiously in the entrance hall. It had been a little bit of a shock when Marjan had been denied going in with him, and she had nearly dug a hole in the floor with her pacing while they waited. TK was sure if Mateo had failed—as he had made them believe for all of twenty seconds—she would have razed the whole place to the ground.

Owen had invited the whole team to their house and TK had spent most of the morning helping him prepare snacks for the party. There hadn’t been a single doubt among them that Mateo would ace his exam. Mateo hadn’t been as confident as everyone else, but no one had taken his doubts to heart, reassuring him and pushing him a little further again and again.

“I wouldn’t have managed to get here without all of you,” Mateo said with a wide grin on his face. “I don’t know if I would have wanted to get here without all of you.”

“You held on for a pretty long time before you knew any of us,” Owen pointed out. “None of us made firefighting your dream.”

“You’ve been a legend around here for a long time, kid,” Judd said. He had taken over the grill from Owen, including choosing the meat for it. TK was glad that his father hadn’t protested the meat Judd provided, even though the expression on his face left no doubt that it didn’t meet Owen’s standards.

“Yeah, a legend of mockery,” Mateo muttered, looking down.

Judd huffed. “You showed everyone who ever doubted you today though. You showed them exactly where to shove their fucked-up assumptions.”

Grace cleared her throat and gave Judd a look, but he just shrugged.

“I thought I’d automatically failed when Captain Broussard showed up to read my exam,” Mateo said darkly. “He’s hated me from the first day I started working at his firehouse. I was sure he’d make me fail.”

“That’s why there was someone in there with you to oversee the exam,” Carlos said.

Mateo exhaled slowly. “Yeah. But how could I be sure to trust them? Those exercises with you really helped though.”

Carlos chuckled. “I’m not sure we ever talked out that kind of scenario.”

“No. I mean, we at least talked about Broussard being the one overseeing the exam. But we’d walked through so many scenarios I could just … pretend it was another exercise. It helped me ignore Captain Broussard’s jabs in between the questions.”

“Jabs?” Owen asked with a frown, and TK could practically see him gearing up for a fight.

They all knew what kind of experiences Mateo had had in the past, not the least because Owen had complained about people at the academy trying to block his attempt to organize an exception for Mateo’s exam. While Deputy Chief Redford had supported Owen in everything, including taking Mateo onto his team, many others weren’t on board with the agenda Redford was pushing. Mateo hadn’t talked much yet about working in other houses, before Redford had taken him on as his driver, but he had opened up a little about how bad the situations had sometimes gotten.

“I didn’t let it distract me from the questions!” Mateo said hurriedly. “I mean, obviously. It was the usual kind of jabs, really. Nothing I haven’t already heard a hundred times. People suck, I knew that before I joined the fire academy. No one managed to do or say anything I hadn’t already heard or experienced during high school.”

“I’m glad you didn’t let any of that drive you away,” Marjan said. “And that you pushed through it for the exam. You are a part of this team I don’t want to lose!”

“No one wants to lose you, Probie!” Paul agreed. “And no one here will pull the bullshit you had to endure in other houses.”

Mateo grinned. “I love you guys. I can’t believe yet that I’ll really be able to stay with you!”

“None of us ever doubted you’d blow through this exam!” Nancy said. “And a 95%? I’m not sure this party is enough to honor that.”

“You’re crazy,” Mateo laughed. “I didn’t need a party at all. Though, this is great. Thanks for letting us use your house for this, Cap!”

“Wouldn’t mind this becoming a regular occasion,” Owen said.

“Now that all the tension is gone about Mateo’s exam, I need to tell you what you missed yesterday morning because you all left in a hurry after our shift,” Paul said.

“Not our problem you were goofing around with the next shift instead of getting your ass out of there,” Judd muttered.

Paul rolled his eyes and then grinned. “That goofing around meant I was the only one there when a little surprise showed up. You remember the guy whose kids Marjan rescued from the collapsed house? After the tornado? The one who nearly died on us?”

TK froze and then turned his head to Tim, wide-eyed. Paul was too happy for it to be bad news, but he still dreaded learning what had happened to Ray.

“He showed up with his kids to thank us for our help,” Paul continued. He pointed at Tim and Nancy. “I made sure he knew when you’d have your next shift with us so that he and his kids can return to thank you properly.”

Tim blew out a breath. “He really made it?”

“He is still dealing with some problems, but yeah. He’ll make a full recovery. Thanks to you.”

TK grinned. “See. You saved him.”

“You are the one who saved him,” Tim replied.

Owen laughed. “It was a joint effort, don’t you think? You both did your part. And those kids will always be grateful for that. They were there with their dad yesterday?”

Paul nodded. “Would have loved to see the place, but I made sure we’d be the ones to show them around. I figured we deserve to see that kind of joy in them.”

“Agreed!” Nancy said, her eyes shining brightly. “Showing kids around the firehouse is always something special.”

“And those are our rescues!” Marjan said. “We should be the only ones to show them around. You’re right, your goofing around did pay off. Maybe we’ll recruit the next generation of firefighters if we do their introduction right.”

“Who of you saw a firehouse as a child?” Carlos asked amused.

TK raised his hand. “I practically grew up in one.”

“That’s not even halfway true!” Owen protested. “Gwyn would have never allowed us to live in the firehouse!”

TK grinned. “Sure, but I still came by after school every time you had a shift. And no one ever sent me away, even when you were on a call. I know there were people who called me the substitute for a firehouse dog!”

Owen frowned at him unhappily. “Never in my presence!”

“Of course not,” TK said, rolling his eyes. “No one would have dared that. And I really didn’t mind. Your team always welcomed me, that was all that mattered.”

“Where I grew up, we had a fire station right around the corner,” Mateo said. “It was closed a couple of years ago, though. Or, two houses were merged into one in that corner of town, and a new one was opened at the other end of town. There was a free area right beside their house, and some of the guys would always find time to play with the kids if they weren’t out on a call.”

“That’s why you decided to become a firefighter?” Marjan asked softly.

“Yeah. I loved spending time there. I looked up to all of them, and they’d … they took care of a couple of my friends when they got in trouble. Helped them get out of that trouble, made sure it wouldn’t follow them through the rest of their lives.”

“I never went anywhere near a fire station before I joined the fire academy,” Marjan said after a short pause. “I just knew this was something I wanted to do. Most people thought I was crazy and were convinced I’d fail.”

Mateo grinned. “You more than proved them wrong.”

“We all did, I guess,” Marjan said grinning.

“Proving people’s assumptions wrong is the best part of life, isn’t it?” Paul asked. “My class went to visit a fire station once or twice, but I don’t think that was the reason I joined the academy. I honestly don’t remember what brought me to that decision.”

“I hadn’t been accepted to med school, so I became a paramedic to bide my time before trying again,” Tim said. “And I somehow never tried again. Something about being out on the street right there was enthralling enough to give up on my childhood dream of becoming a star surgeon.”

“I was studying to become a lawyer,” Owen said and everyone turned to him with incredulous looks. TK was laughing so hard at them that he nearly fell from his chair.

“No way,” Judd muttered under his breath.

“No, it’s true!” Owen said. “Law school is how I met TK’s mother. I dropped out of school after I found my calling while working as a lifeguard at a beach. There was this girl and her mom, they were sucked under by the current. The mom was okay when I dragged them out, but the girl wasn’t breathing. And somehow the things I had learned in the prep class—which I had been sure I had slept through—just kicked in. They got away with the scare of their lives, and I suddenly knew that the courtroom wasn’t where I wanted to spend my time.”

“That’s the kind of impressive story all of us need,” Judd said, disgruntled. “I just joined the academy because it seemed interesting, and I had no interest in college after high school. Still don’t, for the record.”

“Every single person here is doing impressive things every day,” Grace said. “No reason to make a competition out of it!”

Carlos rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Yeah, that wasn’t the intention of my question. I just got curious about Marjan’s recruitment plans.”

“You can’t start too early looking out for good people,” Marjan said, chin raised. “Those kids are still a decade away from choosing their careers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t plant the seed now. When people like this Captain Broussard retire, we need good people to replace them. I don’t think we’ll find enough of them already part of the AFD.”

Judd laughed. “True.”

“Do you have any plans to celebrate your graduation to full firefighter?” Owen asked.

Mateo huffed. “I still have to finish the practical part of my probationary period, Cap! As you know very well. That kind of celebration is still far away.”

Owen huffed and rolled his eyes. “That’s practically just waiting out your time now.”

“A new apartment is your next plan, right?” Tim said. “Getting out of your current room share?”

Mateo groaned. “Yeah. I don’t know anymore why I thought I was lucky with finding that place in the beginning. I swear, one day they’ll burn the house down and it will be the most embarrassing day in my life.”

Owen chuckled. “They can’t be that bad.”

“They’re worse, Cap!” Mateo whined. “I hate the prospect of looking for something new, but I also can’t wait to get out of there.” He turned to TK. “We’re still looking together, right? You aren’t leaving me alone with that horror?”

TK grinned. “Of course not. We can start looking at listings during our downtime during the shift tomorrow. And maybe even make a couple of appointments.”

“You looking for a new place to stay, too?” Judd asked.

“Can’t live with my dad forever, can I?” TK asked and pointedly ignored Owen’s frown. He just hoped his father wouldn’t start an argument right there during Mateo’s party. “It’s getting a little bit suffocating, honestly.”

Owen huffed. “That’s harsh, son.”

“Yeah? You want me to share how much I heard of your hookup the other day that I really had no interest in ever knowing about you?”

Owen gaped at him while everyone else laughed.

“What are you looking for exactly?” Judd asked. “Do you plan to share?”

“Never!” Mateo protested loudly.

“You have seen the mess he leaves in the shower, right?” TK asked at the same time, brows raised. “I’m not exchanging Dad for Mateo. That’s different kinds of evil, but it’s still evil.”

Judd chuckled. “I’m not sure you’re one to talk, kid. But a room share, in general, might be okay?”

TK shrugged. “Sure.”

Mateo made a face. “I have no idea. Depends on the people, really. I’d need time to get to know them. But I also can’t imagine living alone, so I’m probably screwed.”

“Your current roommates really did a number on you, huh? I know a place,” Judd said. “It’s a house full of first responders. One of them is moving out soon, relocating to another town, so they’ll have a free room.”

“Friends of yours?” TK asked.

Judd shrugged. “Something like that. I don’t hang out with them all, but I know them well enough. They’d prefer to fill the empty spot with another first responder. Everyone else in the house knowing what it’s like to work shifts is always better.”

“If you can make the contact for us, we’d be happy to take a look at the place,” TK said and turned to Mateo. “Right?”

Mateo hesitated a little bit. “Sure.”

TK nodded. “Taking a look won’t hurt. When Enzo was here, he took me to look at a couple of apartments already. Told me it was to get a feeling for the market and to decide what I really wanted. I should not have let him pick out the places we went, though. The only thing I learned was that we have very different tastes and priorities concerning our living arrangements.”

***

“You want to move out.”

TK sighed and closed the dishwasher. The party had slowly petered out in the evening after everyone had had too much to eat and at least half of them had also had too much to drink. While it could be amusing to watch others get drunk when he wasn’t feeling too tempted by it, he didn’t look forward to having to deal with Marjan or Paul’s hangover the next day. Mateo had been the last to leave after helping them with a lot of the clean-up.

“Yes.”

There was no reason to beat around the bush, though TK wished Mateo hadn’t brought it up during the party so he’d had a chance to talk with his father on his own terms. His best-case scenario when he had talked it out in therapy had been to already have a new place before broaching the topic with Owen. He didn’t fault Mateo, though, it was his own fault that he hadn’t made sure the others knew that this would be a difficult topic with his father.

“That wasn’t the deal when we came here,” Owen said. He braced his hands on the kitchen island between them and watched TK with a frown. “You already broke our deal when you got a new therapist. And practically blackmailed me into accepting it.”

TK crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter. “You can’t believe this was ever more than a temporary arrangement that I live here with you, Dad. We will drive each other crazy sooner rather than later. I wasn’t joking earlier about your hookup, and that’s the least of the things that really don’t work.”

“I thought we had agreed…”

“See, that’s the thing,” TK interrupted him harshly. “We hadn’t agreed on anything! You made decisions, based on … I don’t even know what. Probably just your worry and shock and nothing else. And you just expected me to accept them. But it’s not working for me.”

“Have you…” Owen trailed off, but the frown on his face clearly conveyed the question he wasn’t able to voice.

“God, no!” TK glared at him and shook his head. “I’ve been sober again since the day you found me. But that’s honestly no thanks to you. I can’t stay here. I need my own place. I won’t rush anything, but I’ll move out as soon as I find something else.”

“You can’t just make this kind of decision without talking to me about it first!” Owen said, agitated.

“I’m not a child, Dad,” TK said slowly. “Being an addict doesn’t take away my rights as an adult, you know? It would even be my right to decide I don’t give a shit about being sober, and you wouldn’t be able to do anything. Luckily for you, I have no interest in returning to where I was when Mom dragged me to rehab.”

Owen flinched. “I have every right to fight for your life!”

TK huffed, suddenly getting really angry. He had been resigned to his father’s behavior in the past, but something about the way Owen had handled everything since they had come to Austin just broke open a lot of resentment TK hadn’t even known he carried for his father.

“That’s a pretty sudden turn for you. And I’m honestly still not sure if it’s about me at all or just about the cancer!”

Owen paled. “What?”

“You didn’t give a shit about my addiction or my general health for years, Dad,” TK hissed. “Did that change because for once you saw the consequences and weren’t able to ignore it, or because your diagnosis scared the hell out of you?”

“You nearly dying scared the life out of me!” Owen said lowly. “I don’t want to have to bury you!”

“I don’t want that either. I actually enjoy my life most of the time. And I learned how to deal with my addiction and how to manage it years ago! Whatever you think you are doing is bullshit and it’s not helping! And I wish I had put my foot down about it while we were still in New York because now you are stuck in the assumption that you know best!”

“If you knew how to manage it, I wouldn’t have found you dying!” Owen spat. “Especially not over a scumbag like Alex!”

“Wow, what a way to tell me you still have no idea how any of this works!” TK said with a frown. “Knowing how to deal with it doesn’t mean it’s not a fight every day or at least most days. And it was a fight every day right after we came here. One you made harder instead of easier a lot of the time! Do you really think that you regularly dragging me to a bar helps at all??”

“Alcohol isn’t your problem.”

TK huffed. “I’m not addicted to alcohol, true. But it would be a really easy substitute. I won’t risk that, Dad. Drugs are drugs, and in the end, alcohol is a drug. Even if it’s a drug that people around here practically expect everyone to indulge in.”

Owen frowned. “No one expects people to indulge in alcohol!”

“Really?” TK asked with raised brows. “What else do you think means it when someone who isn’t drinking alcohol at a party is asked by practically everyone who is there why they aren’t drinking, if everything is okay with them, and oh, getting a drink won’t be the end of the world. They shouldn’t be a party pooper! How can they even enjoy themselves if they aren’t getting a drink?” TK rolled his eyes. “Indulging in the consumption of alcohol is pretty much socially expected, and everyone ignores it’s a drug until someone gets addicted to it.”

TK blew out a breath and shook his head. “Sorry, I’m getting off my soapbox now. I’m just really over it. Marjan and I spent an hour the other day complaining to each other about it because she has enough experience with that as well. Especially with people who just won’t accept any explanation for it and still try to push the matter. Or even worse, people who mock and ridicule and try to take apart every reason presented to them.”

Sometimes, at least for TK, Owen fell into that last category. He bit his tongue to keep from pointing that out, though. TK knew his father wouldn’t see it, and probably would never get over his denial about it.

“You never said you were uncomfortable when…”

“I’ve told you plenty of times when having people drink around me was a problem!” TK said. “I’ve been telling you that for years! And you regularly mocked me when I pulled away and left that kind of situation! You outright guilt-tripped me about team bonding when I tried to bow out of going to the bar with you! You didn’t let up on that until Marjan and Paul started to back me up. And they back me up because they know that it’s a problem sometimes, and why it’s a problem!”

Owen frowned. “You told the team already?”

TK huffed and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Not all of them yet. But I’ll make sure to fix that soon.”

Owen shook his head. “We had a deal when we came here. You can’t just decide that’s off the table.”

“And what will you do when I move out without consulting you?” TK asked, mockingly. “Suspend me? For something that happened months ago and that you covered up? I can prove I’ve been sober since then, and that I’m working on my recovery every single day. Trying to suspend me for it now will only bring trouble your way, and you’re already on thin ice with Redford because you didn’t tell him about the cancer.”

“You are still angry that I didn’t tell you about that earlier,” Owen said quietly. “Is this your way of punishing me for that?”

TK huffed. “Not everything is about you, Dad. I was hurt that you didn’t tell me earlier, but I’m over that now. That’s what going to therapy, and talking about your issues in an environment you feel safe in, does, you know? Maybe you should try the same! Talk to a professional about your trauma from finding me nearly dead instead of managing it by micromanaging me and just making my life harder with it!”

“I’m trying to help you, TK!”

“And it’s not working!” TK spat. “You know, I wasn’t hurt when you didn’t use to care about my recovery. We’ve never had the kind of relationship where I could depend on you to be there for me anyway, so depending on you for anything isn’t something I even know how to do!”

“That’s unfair, TK!”

“Is it, really?” TK asked angrily. He stepped up to the kitchen table and mirrored his father’s stance. “I can’t remember a single day of my childhood when something going on in my life was more important to you than anything happening at the 252! And I worked for months right beside you on the edge of being unable to even function, and you didn’t notice that something was wrong with me at all! Half our damn shift knew I had a problem before Mom dragged me to LA for rehab, but you acted like I had to be mistaken when I told you about my own problem with addiction.”

Owen flinched and turned his head away, but at least he didn’t protest.

“You chose to ignore the problem and that’s fine,” TK said. “If I had wanted something different from you, I’d have asked. But my recovery honestly wasn’t something I wanted to trust you with. And I feel validated in my choice about that because you clearly aren’t even able to comprehend that your way doesn’t necessarily work.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Owen said through gritted teeth.

“So start asking what I need! And most of all, start listening to what I have to say about it!” TK nearly shouted. “I had to blackmail you to make you listen to me about a new therapist because I knew you wouldn’t relent otherwise, and I wasn’t in a position where I had the strength to argue about it with you! You can’t just dismiss me when I tell you something is not working for me, but at the same time expect me to confide in you!”

“I always listen,” Owen protested.

“Yeah?” TK huffed and rolled his eyes. “Shall we talk about the bar again? The rest of the team didn’t have any problem settling on other team bonding activities that didn’t contain a place people mostly went to get drunk.”

“You were fine with everyone drinking today!”

TK inhaled deeply. “See, that’s what I mean when I say you aren’t listening. I have good and bad days, and I’m the only one who can determine what kind of day I am having. I’ve also had time to mentally prepare myself for the party today, and I had people there who were looking out for me, who I trusted to intervene or even to leave with me if my mood changed.”

Owen stared at him with a confused frown.

“I know you don’t trust me with any of that, but you’ll just have to deal with it. Living with you feels suffocating to me, and I couldn’t even tell you why exactly. I honestly think it’s not anything you do, but that we just rub each other the wrong way when we spend too much time together, and that I feel … subjugated by the way you have been behaving with me. You basically took away my independence and that’s not helping me at all.”

“You should have talked to me about all of this earlier,” Owen said. “I’m sure we can find a solution that won’t involve you being on your own again and…”

“I’m on my own now, Dad, living with you or not,” TK said. “Honestly. Do you really think if I had wanted to find a way to get high, I’d have had any problems finding drugs even in an unfamiliar city? You would have needed to keep an eye on me 24/7 to stop that.”

Owen’s face grew hard. “You said you didn’t.”

“And I didn’t,” TK agreed. “I haven’t even tried to find the right places to get drugs. But again, that has nothing to do with you. The point is, I’m moving out as soon as I have found a new place. I expect it to take a little while, and I’m not exactly in a rush, but you won’t change anything about it, Dad.”

***

Judd came through on his promise and just a week after Mateo’s test, TK and Mateo found themselves in front of a house bigger than TK had expected. TK had picked Mateo up at his place, and it might have been the bias he had already formed through his friend’s tales, but he suddenly understood why Mateo couldn’t wait to get out of there.

“Wait a moment,” TK said quietly when Mateo reached for the door handle to leave the car. He curled his fingers around the steering wheel and stared out at the house. “I need to tell you something. Want to tell you something.”

Mateo turned in his seat to face him. “Did something happen?”

TK chuckled and shook his head. “No. It’s something personal but I might need to tell future roommates about it, and I don’t want to blindside you with it if this visit today turns out to be promising. I’ve honestly been meaning to tell you this whole week, but I chickened out every time.”

Mateo frowned. “Okay.”

TK inhaled slowly. “I’m addicted to opioids. I’m sober now. But I had a relapse shortly before Dad and I came here.”

“Okay.” Mateo stared at him wide-eyed, his mouth forming a silent ‘Oh’. “That’s why you never drink alcohol when we go out?”

TK sighed. He hadn’t been sure what to expect from Mateo about this, but it was better than many of the scenarios he had come up with over the last week. “Yes.”

Mateo bit his lip. “I’m sorry for pushing you about it?”

TK chuckled lightly and raised his brows. “That sounds more like a question. I’ll still accept it as an apology. But you do need to learn to mind your own business and accept people’s answers no matter what kind of personal decision you are talking about.”

Mateo made a face and sighed. “Marjan already lectured me a lot about that.”

“I know,” TK laughed. “That led to both of us having an hour-long epic bitch fest over everyone thinking they are entitled to judge people’s personal decisions. You aren’t the first one and you won’t be the last to put me in the position to explain myself when my ‘no, thank you’ should be answer enough when I’m offered a drink.”

“You told her, though, right?”

“I told Marjan and Paul a while ago,” TK admitted. “And Tim and Nancy a little while later. Both times the opportunity just arose and I took it. I was waiting for your exam to be done because I didn’t want to distract you. And I still have no idea how to bring the topic up with Judd.”

“Do you think he’ll have a problem with it?” Mateo asked.

TK sighed. Judging Judd about that was really difficult, and in the end, he always had to be careful about talking about his addiction. There had been some people at the 252 in New York who hadn’t been at all understanding, doubting he should still work with them at all. Surprisingly, or maybe not, the people with that opinion had mostly been those who hadn’t even suspected something was wrong with him until he had disappeared for a month when his mother had dragged him to rehab.

There had been at least as many people supporting him at the 252 as those doubting his return to work. Some had come around over time, willing to learn about addiction in general and how TK was handling his recovery. Others had eventually left the 252 when they had noticed that barely anyone was backing them up on their claim that a recovering addict shouldn’t work as a firefighter. All of them had blamed Owen for that, of course, when in truth he had asked TK the very same questions about his fitness for duty as they had, though at least in private.

“Trusting Judd is still difficult sometimes,” TK admitted. “We are working on it obviously, but it will take time. I don’t think he’ll have a problem with it generally or be awkward about it. But I also really can’t anticipate what he’ll have to say.”

Mateo bit his lip and frowned. “Thank you for trusting me.”

TK grinned. “You put your foot in your mouth sometimes, but your heart is in the right place. The rest is just growing up that you still need to do.” He shook his head and decided to end the topic for the moment. If Mateo had any questions, it was probably good to give him some time to think about them before he blurted them out in a less-than-sensitive manner. “So, ready to look at this house and find out if it’s a good fit for one of us?”

Mateo chuckled. “Yeah. So, full disclosure. I might just be burned for life concerning room shares if I don’t know my roommates really well before moving in with them.”

“So, this is more about seeing if it’s a fit for me?” TK asked. “I can live with that. Though, in that case, we’ll need to sit down later and make a plan for what you are really looking for.”

Mateo nodded as they left the car.

They were greeted at the door by Varun, who was a firefighter with the 148 and a kind of friend of Judd’s. The other four people living in the house weren’t there in the beginning, and Varun told them with a deep laugh that he had chased everyone away so TK and Mateo could concentrate on the house first before being swamped by the rag-tag group who lived there.

Varun started by showing them the ground floor, which for the most part, consisted of an open kitchen with a vast dining area and a separate living room. Both rooms looked very well lived in, presenting a warm welcoming feeling to TK, not only because of the little things scattered around but also because of Varun’s stories, which both conveyed how much time the roommates spent together down here.

The ground floor was followed by a quick tour through the basement with a couple of smaller storage rooms, the laundry room, and a well-equipped home gym. They learned during that part of the tour that there was one other firefighter among the roommates, as well as one 9-1-1 operator, one ER doctor, and one nurse. The nurse, Emiliano, was about to move to El Paso to be with his aging parents.

The next floor held everyone’s individual rooms, and Varun showed his own room to them as well as Emiliano’s. The room was a nice size, it had a small walk-in closet and an ensuite bathroom, and from the window TK had a nice view of the surprisingly big backyard. He didn’t care much for the way Emiliano had furnished and decorated the room, but he could see potential.

The last thing Varun showed them was the attic, which had been converted into a small library, with three armchairs scattered throughout the room and a big couch under the largest window. It was another common area, but the rule was that everyone kept quiet when they were up there, and the roommates sought this room out if they didn’t necessarily want to be alone but also weren’t interested in socializing a lot.

When they returned downstairs, Varun’s roommates had gathered in the living room and he introduced Emiliano, Joan—the other firefighter—, Sara—the ER doctor—, and Mateo—the dispatcher—to them.

TK’s Mateo pointed at the dispatcher Mateo. “Okay, I already knew a room share isn’t really what I’m looking for, but this here is reason enough to not move in with you lot!”

Dispatcher Mateo laughed. “Agreed. You are probably a good guy, Judd vouched for you after all, but one Mateo in this house is enough! Why not a room share for you, though?”

TK’s Mateo made a face and carded his fingers through his hair. “The reason I’m looking for something new is that my current room share is a nightmare. I’m just waiting for the day they burn the house down or something.”

Joan laughed. “That’d be kinda embarrassing for a firefighter. Which house would respond to that?”

“Not the 126, thankfully. And you are so right! I need to look it up! I should be prepared to know who I can expect to show up!” Mateo groaned.

Everyone laughed good-naturally and the whole exchange had been something of an icebreaker. They fell into an easy conversation, the occupants of the house telling stories about themselves and how living together worked for them, interrupted several times by questions they had for TK. They all accepted the decision from both Mateos without question and concentrated on getting to know TK.

When Mateo and TK left the house more than two hours later, TK was surprised at how much time had gone by and how welcome he had felt in the group. Emiliano would be staying in Austin for another five weeks, and TK left with a promise to return for a couple more visits. His Mateo’s living situation had cautioned him to be careful, and everyone had agreed that it would be a good idea to get to know each other better before making any kind of decision, even though the first impression had been positive on all sides.

Mateo huffed as TK started the car. “I’m jealous. If this whole name situation weren’t there, I’d be tempted to take another chance on a room share.”

TK laughed. “I think you and the other Mateo were of one mind about this. And I see how it would quickly become confusing.”

“It will be confusing if you move in there as well!” Mateo complained. “Because you will still have to keep us apart when talking about either of us.”

“I’m sure I’d manage,” TK said with a soft smile. “I think they’re good people.”

“Yeah, I have a good feeling about them,” Mateo agreed. “Are you really considering this? I’d have thought if you wanted to move out of your Dad’s house, you’d want to live on your own. You could just stay with him otherwise, right?”

“I really can’t stay with Dad,” TK murmured. “I need somewhere I can get a break from him. Living and working together isn’t conducive to that. And it’s not wanting to live alone that’s making me want to move. I think it wouldn’t be best for me to live on my own, to be honest.”

“Because of the drugs?”

TK rolled his eyes. “And there is the foot in your mouth again, Probie. But yes, because of the addiction. Difficult days are easier for me to weather if I’m not alone.”

“You haven’t told them yet,” Mateo said.

“I will see how the next couple of visits work out,” TK said. “If all of us see a real possibility of me taking over Emiliano’s room, I’ll tell them. They should know what they will get with me before we talk about any other details more than just figuring out if our personalities fit together.”

TK bit the inside of his cheek and stared at the street silently. He already hoped it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for them because all five seemed to be really great people. And even if the room share didn’t work out in the end, maybe at least a friendship would work out. He felt he could use a couple of friends, other than Carlos, who weren’t attached to the 126.

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