Reading Time: 75 Minutes

Title: Forever and Ever, Amen
Author: MykkiTno
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Angst, Amnesia, Drama, Family, First Time, Pre-Relationship, Romance
Relationship(s): Evan Buckley/ Eddie Diaz
Content Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Attempted-Rape, Could be considered Dub-con (see note), Hate Crimes/Hate Speech, Homophobia, Anti-Maddie/Chimney but they do get better. Anti-Buckley parents, Anti-Helena, Anti-Conner/Kameron, Ableism, Canon Level Violence, Discussion of Postpartum Depression, Discussion of Canon Domestic Violence
Author Note: regarding consent warning, could be considered dubious consent due to one character having amnesia, but both are very willing.
Alpha: Hourstillnoon
Word Count: 81,903
Summary: On his way to donate Buck is t-boned and ends up in a coma. Eddie and the rest face some hard truths about their youngest member when he wakes up with total amnesia, together they learn that the only way to go forward is with family by your side.
Artist: Drake

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PART ONE

Prologue

November 3, 2022

“Trust me. It’s all good. I’m only two miles away. “The words reverberated in Buck’s head.

The semi-clipped “Thanks, Buck.” Before the phone went dead in his ear, causing a finger of dread to slide down his spine.

It was okay, though. Nothing else was going to happen. Nothing would stop Buck from following through and doing this for his friend. He would forget the horrible shift from hell – no matter how much it had amused him to tweak Eddie’s undeclared superstitions – because Buck had promised he’d do this, and he couldn’t fail another person.

Maybe it would right some of the wrongs he’d presented when failing Daniel years ago. No amount of talk about a cursed bracelet today would interfere with that.

At the lights, Buck waited, tapping the steering wheel with his thumb, eyes darting between the road and the clock on the dash, at most he was five minutes away, seven if he took into consideration the traffic, but for once, Wiltshire Blvd wasn’t busy and teaming with vehicles.

Glancing again at his phone mounted on the dash, Buck pulled into the lane with his blinker on to turn left, throat turning dry as he heard the telltale sound of a horn, breaks and the reflection of light coming in through the passenger side door.

Having no time to react, Buck sent up a silent prayer, head smashing against the door, felt pain explode in his neck and the wet stickiness of blood coating his face as the dull roar of twisting metal and the forced momentum sent nauseous coursing through his system, and he fought the urge to hurl. Even as his head felt like it was being ripped from his body, leaving him disoriented and reeling, another crunch and searing pain in his legs and back made him lose the fight against nausea. Still, thankfully and almost blissfully, he suddenly knew nothing more.

 

 

Chapter One

Buckling a sleeping Chris into the back seat, Eddie felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Eddie pulled out the phone on the off chance it was Buck, hoping that his best friend had finally decided to talk to him, but instead, His heart sank, not recognizing the number. Debating for half a second to let it go to voicemail, he chewed on his thumb as a sense of foreboding crawled across his skin and clicked the accept button.

“Hello.”

“Hello, is this Edmundo Diaz?” The voice on the other end was chipper and instantly alarming in a way Eddie couldn’t describe.

“It is. Who’s this?”

“My name is Natasha O’Neill. I’m a doctor at Presbyterian Hospital. I’m calling regarding Evan Buckley, who had you listed as his medical proxy.”

“That’s correct.” Eddie shut the door to the truck, not wanting to disturb Chris, who blinked at him hazily. “Is Buck okay?”

There was a long pause, and when Natasha spoke again, the chipperness was gone from her voice, “I’m sorry to say, Mr.Diaz, that Mr.Buckley was involved in a serious accident earlier. I’m afraid I need you to come in and-“

“Do what you need to do. I’ll be there in 30 minutes. Is Robert Nash still listed as secondary?” Eddie demanded as he circled the truck.

“Um, yes, that’s correct.”

“Good, do not give any information to Maddie Buckley or Maddie Kendall. I’m not sure what name she’ll attempt to use. She is not privy to any medical information concerning Buck’s care.” Eddie stated, opening his door and pulling himself in. “I’ll also call Bobby. He’ll probably come with me because I’m dropping my son off at his house.”

“Very well, drive safely, Mr.Diaz.”

Eddie didn’t care that the phone went dead in his ear. He hesitated between calling and texting before texting won out, not wanting Chris to hear anything accidentally. “On my way to you. Athena home?”

It took a minute of intense nail-biting, but Bobby responded, “Yes, we’re all here. What’s up?”

“Buck was in an accident, the ER doctor just called, and Chris is sleeping in the back, so I don’t want to talk out loud in case he overhears something. Can you be ready in 20?”

“I’m ready now.” Was Bobby’s immediate answer, making Eddie grateful as he replied with a thumbs up.

Carefully merging into traffic, Eddie drove to Bobby’s, trying not to panic over the possibility of Buck’s condition but knew it had to be severe enough if they were calling him.

Pulling into Bobby’s driveway, he saw the older man at the door, talking with Athena. Taking a deep breath, Eddie put the truck into park and exited the vehicle moving around the back to remove Chris.

Unfortunately, it woke the boy up, who looked around in confusion. “What’s going on, Daddy?”

Swallowing hard, Eddie tried to smile, not wanting to lie but not wanting to scare his kid. He grabbed Chris’s crutches as he answered. “I have to go to the hospital with Bobby because Buck was in an accident, and the doctors need us to make some decisions.”

It took a minute for Chris to process, his face falling instantly, “is Buck hurt bad?”

Shaking his head, feeling helpless, Eddie inhaled softly, “I don’t know, Mijo. So I need you to stay with Athena while I find out, alright?”

Chris nodded, trying not to cry. “Tell Buck I love him, and I’m gonna make him a card. He likes those.”

Nodding, Eddie walked up the steps and set Chris down. “I will. You be good for Athena, right?”

Athena slid a hand over Chris’ shoulder and pulled the boy close, “He’ll be good. He always is.” She took a moment to look at Eddie and smiled, “It’ll be alright, boo. You know Buck’s a fighter.”

Nodding once again, Eddie kissed Chris’s curls, trying not to think of how similar they were to Buck’s and followed Bobby back toward his truck.

Hearing the door click shut behind them, Eddie felt Bobby direct him to the passenger side, and his heart skipped a beat, instinctively knowing it was terrible if Bobby wouldn’t let him drive. Yet, he could seem to make his mouth work as he crawled in, hands shaking as he buckled on his seatbelt.

Bobby waited, hands tensing on the wheel before sighing, “Athena called the precinct and got the detective in charge. He’ll probably meet us at the hospital, but-” he took a breath and put the truck in reverse, “it’s not good. Buck was t-boned at an intersection by two vehicles who failed to heed the lights. One clipped the front, one the back, and they spun out, trapping the jeep in between. It took them almost an hour to get to him and hours to cut him out, and they lost him once before they got him into the ambulance. Paramedics got him back quickly, but he had a severe TBI, dislocated right hip, and broken left leg in three places. Part of the steering wheel broke off and pierced his stomach, and his left elbow and arm were swollen. They also suspected a neck or back injury but couldn’t determine by physical appearance. As of right now, the detective doesn’t know if he’s regained consciousness.”

“Dios Mio.” Eddie’s breath caught as he dropped his head, trying to breathe through nausea. Feeling Bobby curl a hand around his neck and squeeze, “Hey kid, remember Buck’s a fighter. You gotta have faith.”

With tears stinging his eyes, Eddie slowly lifted his head, “I lost my faith years ago, Bobby, but if there’s one thing I believe in, it’s Buck.”

Bobby offered a smile, more grimace than a genuine smile and nodded but didn’t say anything else. Neither did Eddie, at least not until they pulled into the parking lot, “did Buck ever tell you I made him Chris’s guardian?”

Bobby swung a startled glance at him as he backed into a parking spot and dumbly shook his head, “No. Eddie?”

A humourless laugh escaped Eddie, “Four days after the well. I knew then that Chris and Buck needed each other. I needed him… I don’t want to do this without him.”

Turning off the truck, Bobby was silent as he looked at him, “How long have you loved him?”

Snorting, Eddie looked out the window, “consciously? Since the tsunami, but probably since the beginning, but with Shannon and everything else….” He shrugged, “I didn’t know what to do, and Buck has never really given an indication of being anything but straight, so I settled for being his friend, and not once have I ever regretted that.”

“Fair enough.” Unclipping his seatbelt, Bobby nodded towards the hospital, “Let’s go. Once we know something, we can start contacting people. I’ll contact HQ and get you two weeks to start. If you need more, ask, and I will also request that you make an appointment with Frank.”

Nodding, Eddie waved his phone, “I already have an appointment for tomorrow morning.” He glanced away, “I continued them even after being cleared. It- helps.” He admitted ruefully and opened the truck door before peeking into the back seat and pulling his wallet from the duffel bag. Sliding out, he closed the door carefully before taking a deep breath and lifted his head and fell into step with Bobby as the other man hit the button to lock the doors.

* * *

The emergency room was teeming with activity, but thankfully the nurses’ station was cleared of patients, so the two men slipped up to the desk and waited somewhat impatiently for a nurse to come over. The nurse who approached was an older woman with judgmental eyes and gray-streaked hair, mouth forming a little mew of disapproval at their lack of apparent injuries. Swallowing the initial urge to snap at the nurse, he noted the name of Janice and offered a tightlipped smile, and offered his ID, both the government-issued and LAFD, side by side. “I was called about 45 minutes ago by Dr.Natasha O’Neill for Evan Buckley.”

As Janice took in the identification, her face blanked into a perfect blend of professionalism and kindness, “Of course, and you, sir?” She glanced at Bobby, and Eddie could see her eye twitch in annoyance when Bobby flipped open his badge. “What was the patient’s name again?”

“Evan Buckley, brought in by the 217.” Bobby offered the woman a raised brow when she glared at him, but possibly, thanks to fate, the two men heard a voice behind them, “Bobby?”

Turning, Bobby relaxed, “Tommy? You guys took the call?”

Tommy glanced between the two men as he responded, “Yeah, recognize Buck. Figured we stick around until his emergency contact gets here.”

“Eddie, this is Tommy Kinard. He worked briefly at the 118 before Buck and then moved into the Captain’s spot for C-shift at the 217. Tommy, Eddie Diaz, Buck’s best friend and partner at work.” Bobby introduced them. Eddie silently accepted the causal perusal and firmly ignored it. He wasn’t interested. Not then, not ever.

Tommy seemed to take the hint for what it was and offered them a sympathetic look, “I’ll be honest, guys, it’s not good. My two paramedics tell me he didn’t crash again on the way but still hasn’t regained consciousness. They’re in trauma bay four, but just took him for scans, if you wanna head that way.” Tommy went to say more, but his radio squawked, cutting him off, “217, request for fire rescue at 45 baker street. Reports of smoke filling the apartment complex, but no alarms have gone off.”

“Ten-four, 217 heading out now. Will advise when we reach the scene.” Tommy glanced over their shoulders and shouted, “Move out, 217, reports of smoke filling an apartment complex, Buckley’s in good hands.” Turning to Bobby and Eddie again, he offered them a tight smile, “Keep me posted, please.”

Nodding, Bobby and Eddie stepped back as the 217 funnelled passed, offering words of sympathy and support. Tommy even took the time to pause, “You need floaters for shifts? Let me know, alright. I always have some looking for extra hours.”

“Put it out then. I’ll need someone for at least two weeks, maybe more.” Bobby stated with another nod but at Eddie this time.

Tommy acknowledged that with a wave as he turned, “Let me know, Bobby.”

The two members of the 118 waited until the 217 cleared out before turning and heading towards trauma bay four, each lost in thought.

At the doors to the room, they saw a well-built woman standing at a computer stand mounted on the wall, frowning as she went over whatever she saw on the screen.

Thankfully they didn’t have to interrupt because she lifted her head and scanned them before her whole demeanour changed, “Eddie and Bobby, I take it?”

As they nodded, the doctor waved them in, “Natasha, I’m the one who called.” She glanced at the tablet and ran a hand through her short-cropped hair, “I have a note you said, Buck. Is that something Mr.Buckley prefers?”

“Yeah, he doesn’t really like the name Evan. Too many memories associated,” Eddie offered as they stepped inside.

Natasha nodded and noted, “Okay, now Buck is up in imaging. The first assessment at the scene was partially correct, a broken leg in three places, dislocated hip, and cracked elbow. His brain has already started to swell, more than I think is acceptable, so once he was stable, I rushed him through for imaging.”

The two men let the words process before Bobby introduced himself and asked hesitantly, “I’m Bobby, his Captain. I had information there was a suspected possible spinal or neck injury?”

Natasha winced and nodded, “Unfortunately, that is correct. Thankfully when Buck was brought in, he had not lost control of his bowels, but he had not responded to a stimulus for that region. I’m hopeful it is related to the dislocated hip, but the scans will tell us either way.”

Eddie swallowed hard at the news, “And the pierced stomach?”

Natasha looked at him and smiled compassionately, “Thankfully, that was easily cleaned and bandaged. No damage to any internal organs though they are scanning just in case something was missed. Once we confirm that, we’ll clean and stitch it closed.” Hugging the tablet to her chest, “I know it’s not a lot of good news, but please be assured we’ll do everything we can to ensure Buck pulls through. I expect him to be back down in the next hour but have already requested a room in the ICU, so don’t be surprised if he’s moved again.”

With a shuddering breath, Eddie swallowed, “What are the visiting regulations for the ICU?”

Natasha’s eyebrow twitched, “unfortunately, the ICU has stringent regulations. Currently, that is two visitors at a time and sixteen years of age or older.”

Breath hitching, Eddie closed his eyes and only opened them when Natasha spoke, “Why?”

“We have an eleven-year-old son, who idolizes Buck,” Eddie whispered, avoiding Bobby’s stare of surprise, dropping his eyes when she seemed to read more than he intended.

“I can’t promise anything, but for now, he won’t be able to visit until we have everything diagnosed.” Natasha offered sincerely, “If you gentlemen wish to stay here and make some calls, please feel free. Just don’t wander the halls.”

Accepting the stipulation, Eddie sank into a chair. Shivering at the air conditioning that hit his overheated skin, having forgotten he was still in a muscle shirt, shorts and a pair of sandals – no wonder the first nurse had given him a judgmental look.

Looking down at the phone cradle in his hands, Eddie wasn’t sure who to call. Considering his number one and two were already in the “know” – Buck being the injured party and Bobby being his go-to person. He knew he’d have to let Carla and Chris know, but that could wait. Chris because he wanted to do that in person if only to honour Buck for doing the same for him, and Carla because she was getting over a later case of COVID that thankfully hadn’t been passed on.

The only other person he wanted now lived in Texas with his parents, and while Eddie and his father were trying, it was also so challenging. Running a hand down his face, Eddie felt wetness and realized he’d been crying and flushed in embarrassment even though Bobby had his back to him. Carefully pulling up his contacts, he scrolled until he found Pepa’s number and hit talk, feeling his breath catch as it started to ring.

“Hola- Miguel get that caca de perroscaca de perrosdog poop off my grass, young man, or I’ll talk with your mother – sorry, I’m unavailable. Please leave a message.”

The steady beep of the answering machine was loud and harsh against his ear, the strangled sob that had threatened to emerge.

“Eddie. Eddie, breathe!” The command snapped through the air in front of him and had the desired effect, startling and jumping when a hand touched his arm, but Bobby’s calm and steady voice reassured him, and he let go of the phone when Bobby took it. Unable to hold it in any longer, Eddie pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, digging his eyes into his knees, letting the tears fall because the only person who could potentially make it better was fighting for their life, and Eddie knew it.

* * *

Eddie woke from a much-needed nap, head laying on Buck’s ‘free’ hand, feeling the sting of tears again when he blinked to clear the sleep from his vision. He wasn’t sure what woke him, and he didn’t care much, only concerned with checking both visually and with fingers pressed to the inside of Buck’s wrist that he was still, in fact, breathing.

With a slow breath, Eddie ran a critical eye over Buck’s sleeping face, the oxygen mask fogging slightly, but at least it wasn’t the breathing tube they’d had in him earlier. Carefully reaching up, Eddie tucked the ends of the bandage wrapped around Buck’s head, knowing the other man would hate having a shaved head no matter how necessary it was for the time being. Emergency brain surgery, unfortunately, trumped cosmetic looks, though he made a mental note to find some hats for Buck. “I can’t wait for your hair to grow back, that in-between stage of being unable to do anything with it. I’ll finally get to see what it looks like all curly.” A smile found its way to Eddie’s face as he envisioned Buck’s disgruntled expression of disgust and mused out loud, “If you’re nice to me, I’ll let you wear hats unless you argue, then I’ll hide them all.”

Unable to help himself, Eddie waited for Buck to open his gorgeous blue eyes, sadness sweeping through him when there was no change in monitors or facial expressions. Gazing helplessly at Buck, Eddie tracked the breaths, steady pumping through his body, noting that the bruising was harsher today, the left side of his face almost black and swollen, extending down his neck to the arm wrapped in the swing. Thankfully that hadn’t been broken or even cracked, just severely bruised any more force, and it would have definitely been dislocated, though, like his right hip. Also, in the good news category, while Buck’s left leg was broken, it was only in two places, and both were clean breaks, so they’d gotten away with casting it. The other good news was the “puncture in his stomach from the broken steering wheel. It hadn’t done any internal damage, though they had to go in and remove a broken piece caught in the scanning before finally seeing it shut. It was almost miraculous how lightly Buck got off; Eddie had halfheartedly listened to the detective who’d come to talk to Bobby and understood the destruction explained. Panned caked between a semi-truck and a humvee, it was almost miraculously how undamaged Buck was. Though Eddie was privately thankful no one had died, he was still pissed that both of the other drivers had gotten off scot-free, at least injury-wise.

“I demand to see my brother, I don’t know why I wasn’t called, but there is no way Evan can make decisions for his care.”

Bobby had called her shortly after arriving at the hospital Thursday, but neither Maddie nor Chimney had replied, either through text or phone calls, so Bobby left a message, giving the bare bones of the accident and told Maddie which hospital. So hearing Maddie’s voice drift into the room made Eddie sigh, unable to decide if he was annoyed she’d finally shown up or irritated that she had.

A resigned sigh slipped out before he could help it, and he leaned forward to press a soft kiss to the palm of Buck’s hand. “Show time cariñoCariñoSweetheart, you just sit there and look pretty. I’ll be the bad guy.”

A moment later, remarkably put together, if not rattled, Maddie Buckley was at the door, eyes already filling with tears as she took in Buck’s form. It was like she didn’t even register that Eddie was there, which suited Eddie just fine, curious to see what Maddie would do if she thought she wasn’t being observed.

Sadly she didn’t disappoint, moving blindly to the bed and brushing a hesitant hand down Buck’s face. “Oh, baby brother, who thought it a good idea to drill into your brain?” Maddie smoothed the blankets, a scowl crossing her face, “I’m going to sue everyone who did this useless surgery to you. You don’t deserve this.”

Instant hot rage swept through Eddie, and he couldn’t help the growl that emerged, glaring for all he was worth. “So you’d rather Buck die? That surgery you called useless is the ‘only’ thing that saved his life. Doctors are happy with his progress even though it’s been less than twelve hours since.”

Rearing back in shock, Maddie blinked wide-eyed, proving she hadn’t seen him, her lips thinning into a thin line, “what are you doing here?”

Raising a brow, Eddie sat back in his chair and folded his arms, “Well, unlike you, I actually answer my phone. Plus also, I’m Buck’s emergency contact and medical proxy. Why wouldn’t I be here?”

A shadow flickered across Maddie’s face before she straightened her back, “I’m still his next of kin, and PoA, why wasn’t I called?”

Shrugging, Eddie ran a wary hand through his hair, “Maybe because that role isn’t needed for medical decisions. Bobby and I talked it over because we both know Buck’s wishes, and we gave him a fighting chance, so to speak.”

Bitterly Maddie sniffed, “Yeah and in the interim, you’ll bankrupt Evan just to keep him trapped here. What type of life will he live now that you’ve permanently brain-damaged him?”

Mind fuzzy on that connection and belief, Eddie let out a humourless laugh and shook his head, unsure what Maddie’s actual issue was. “and you’re supposed to be a former ER nurse, seriously? Buck hasn’t even woken up yet from the crash. You can’t just come in here spouting shit because you don’t agree or didn’t respond when we tried to reach out – the surgery was explained and done to help relieve the pressure building up that would have caused a stroke if not outright killed him.”

“You had no right.” Maddie hissed angrily, “None whatsoever.”

Disappointed, Eddie sighed, “I have more rights than you, which is why the hospital did the surgery.”

Maddie hissed again but closed her lips when the doctor walked in, flipping through the iPad screen.

“Eddie, so unfortunately, my colleague Dr. Fleming agrees with me, but we want to take Buck up for another scan – we’re not happy with the results from the monitoring overnight – stats dipped on and off too much, so once we have that one, we’ll be able to determine if we need to put in some stents to drain the fluid until then we’re going to keep him medically stated.”

Maddie cleared her throat and smiled politely, glaring when Eddie went to respond, “I’m sure none of that is necessary, doctor. Evan’s just being stubborn and enjoying a good lay-in.”

“Maddie, stop talking.” Eddie snapped, completely done with the bullshit, and turned to the doctor, “What do I need to sign?”

Natasha glanced between the two before handing her iPad to Eddie, who took the device and spoke firmly, “Dr. O’Neill, this is Maddie Buckley, Buck’s sister who has no say in any of Buck’s medical care or decisions. I will be very displeased if I find out she has been allowed to interfere.”

Maddie left out a perfect gasp of shock and hurt, making Eddie lift his head and roll his eyes as he signed his name on the iPad. “Oh, give over, you’re overblown theatrics are old, and I’m done catering to them. If you were so concerned about your baby brother, you would have been here Thursday night instead of two days later.”

“Buck doesn’t have the money for this type of surgery, and neither do I. If we’re going to provide the best possible care for Evan, we need to sit down and work out what’s acceptable until the insurance for the accident pays out.”

Feeling slightly amused and sick, which was Maddie’s primary concern, Eddie bit his tongue and smiled, “It’s fine. I’ve already made arrangements to pay for it. I have Shannon’s life insurance policy in trust for Chris. I’m just waiting for an appointment Monday to move it so it can be used.” He lied, knowing Buck had a medical fund set up. It was one of the first things he’d mentioned when the proxy had been created, with the knowledge Maddie didn’t know about it.

Something indescribable flickered in and across Maddie’s face before she offered a flat smile, “Are you sure you want to do that? What if Christopher needs that money later?”

Unconcerned with her false platitudes, Eddie faced Natasha, “Look, I need to go home, shower, shave and spend time with my son. Will you let me know when Buck is done and moved to the ICU?”

Natasha O’Neill was a veteran of the ER hospital rooms for fifteen years and had seen every type of family dysfunction as they fought out treatments or care of family members. Still, there was something off and disjointing between the two in front of her. She knew her job, though, and it wasn’t to get involved in this, and the silent nod of reassurance Eddie sent relaxed her because his eyes also flicked to Maddie’s, who’d opened her mouth – likely to argue the plan.

“If Maddie gives you any grief, Dr. O’Niell, feel free to have her escorted off the flight premises. I refuse to allow her to intercede or interfere with Buck’s care.”

A little pleased at the preemptive warning and permission, Natasha nodded with a shark-like smile and nodded to the orderlies to start wheeling buck out, “Of course, Mr.Diaz, I’ll call you as soon as I go over the results.”

Nodding, Eddie stepped up beside the medical bed Buck was lying in and, ignoring Maddie, leaned down and brushed a kiss across Buck’s forehead, “You keep fighting because you are coming home.”

 

Chapter Two

Instead of going home like he should, Eddie pulled into Buck’s apartment complex and shut off the truck, pulling the keys free and exiting the vehicle. Taking the stairs, he blindly walked down the hallway, half-swamped by memories and feelings. Each one is a little more vivid and painful than before.

Stepping into the apartment, Eddie flicked on the lights, half hoping, half expecting Buck to pop up over the single chair and grin in a bemused fashion before offering a beer. Which meant what? Eddie had never realized Buck never questioned his presence or wanted it but didn’t know how to ask for it. Avoiding the kitchen for now, Eddie climbed the stairs. He sank onto the nearly made bed, something he’d always teased Buck about firmly in the camp of leaving his messy after leaving if only to prove the military hadn’t wholly corrupted him.

Buck’s citrus body wash rose from the blankets, engulfing Eddie, and he felt tears burn his eyes again. It felt like forever since he’d smelled something so uniquely Buck that it hurt. What he wouldn’t give was a small, concise list to have Buck wrap him in a hug. God. Buck gave the best hugs, and Eddie honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had one…. His breakdown, maybe? Definitely before Ana, and that reminder made him swallow. He was still unsure why he dragged that out for so long. Eddie had known it wouldn’t last, even if he hadn’t already been hopelessly in love with Buck; he sometimes couldn’t even stand Ana, which just made him feel like an ass. Flopping back onto the bed, Eddie wiggled around, pushing more of his body onto the bed, and inhaled, closing his eyes, feeling like maybe he should feel like a creep, but right that second, it was the calmest he’d felt in months. Rubbing a hand over his face, Eddie let it fall, and it hit something hard when it fell between the pillows. Curious, Eddie opened his eyes and wiggled the object out, eyes lighting up curiously as he pulled out a book.

Rolling over, he flipped open the book, surprised to find Buck’s neat handwriting.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this, Dr.Copeland said it would be a good idea to get my thoughts out of my head, but I feel like they still get stuck between there and this stupid pen. I grew up feeling like I was screaming in a crowded room, but no. I then learned to feel like a ghost, having everyone look through me. I stopped feeling like that for a while, but today, I feel like it again – a ghost screaming into the void, and not one person hearing me. I’m mad. So unbelievably mad at everybody, Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Eddie, Maddie, all of them, they won’t stop harping on forgiveness and being the bigger person. They keep saying Maddie doesn’t deserve the stress while pregnant, like it’s my fault that they drop this huge massive secret on me and then expect me to be okay, and it’s not fair. I had an older brother, a brother I was specifically designed to save, and not one single person has asked how I actually feel. They’re all happy and content to listen and believe the lies that spill out of my mouth because they can’t be bothered to hear me. It hurts.”

Slamming the book shut with a sob, Eddie threw it across the room and instantly felt guilty. Fucking hell, he remembered that, the great Buckley secret. The raw grief in Buck’s eyes, along with the betrayal when everyone urged him to be the bigger person to forgive and forget, Eddie had no idea what he had been thinking. Maybe in an effort to protect his heart from heartbreak, Eddie had contributed in making Buck believe he wasn’t worth his time because not even three weeks after that, he started dating Ana.

Taking the minute to let the tears fall, unsure who he was actually crying for, Eddie pushed himself into a sitting position and looked around the spartan room. Most decorations were leftovers from Ali and then Taylor as she tried to make a home, but realistically none screamed Buck. Even during quarantine, he’d treated this space like it was just another place to lay his head, the only indulgence Eddie could see what the California king he lay on, but some of that he had contributed to Buck’s size. Sometimes even the clothing Buck wore seemed out of place, like wearing a costume to fit in, and wasn’t that a weird thought? Roughly shaking his head, Eddie pushed himself to his feet, knowing he needed to stop wallowing and head home to face Chris, still unsure what he would say. Pausing at the top of the stairs, he hesitated momentarily before something propelled him forward.

Heading down the stairs, he ducked into the laundry room. He found the extra duffel bag that Buck switched out every shift, grateful that Buck was a creature of habit in that regard, and headed back upstairs. Snagging the journal he’d tossed, he picked out a few pieces of clothing he knew Buck wore regularly. Then grabbed and packed Buck’s laptop and the lockbox he used for essential papers; he glanced around the bedroom again, feeling like a creep and snagged a pillow off the bed and stuffed it inside, along with a hoodie Buck had hanging in the door to the patio.

Satisfied with that, Eddie turned and headed to the bathroom, snagging the body wash, shampoos, and the travel bag and dumping Buck’s assortment of hair and beauty products before adding that to the pile. He’d already determined he was bringing Buck home to his place when he woke up and was discharged.

Glancing in the living room, he saw a few books on the table along with Buck’s iPad and packed those before moving to the kitchen – unsurprised to find it pristine. He didn’t find anything that immediately jumped out, so he headed back to the half bath, then finally to the laundry room again, fully satisfied he hadn’t missed anything. It was only as he was about to turn off the light that something caught his eye on the top shelf, something out of place. And even though Eddie had been already burned by his curiosity earlier, he took a deep breath, moved to the shelving unit, and pulled the ratted book bag off the top, a little confused by how heavy it was.

Unsure but still curious, he took a cautious look inside, not really understanding what he saw before a colourful hand-drawn card caught his eye. Carefully easing it out, his breath caught as he saw his son’s drawing the surfboard, causing his breath to catch. He didn’t even have to open it to know what it would say on the inside, but he did, the coloured words, once again causing tears. “Dear Buck, you are an awesome firefighter. Love Christopher”

He couldn’t quite believe Buck had kept it, but apparently, he had – another quick glance inside the bag showed more cards and pictures and other mementos and memories – the guilt surged again and made him wonder if he’d ever known his friend. With a sigh and a determination to do better, Eddie gently put the card back inside and zipped it shut before sliding it over his shoulder. Back by the front door, Eddie glanced around the loft, prompting him to take a video of the space, trying to ignore the echo of his memories. The feelings were more bittersweet than painful as he flicked off the lights and locked up, picking up the duffel bag and heading home to his – their son. Chris was Buck’s son, just as much as Eddie’s. The former army medic wasn’t going to lie to himself anymore. Once Buck woke up, Eddie would be honest because if this had taught him anything, Buck deserved it. He would love Evan Buckley openly and freely; he just prayed Buck loved him back. There had been enough interactions between them over the years to make Eddie hopeful; it was about all he had left to believe in with the current situation.

* * *

At his house, Eddie sat in the driveway for a long time, staring into the living room window and watching Chris talk animatedly to Carla. His hands waved in the air as Carla laughed; the sight brought Eddie joy before remembering he was about to break his son’s heart.

Before he could leave his vehicle, his phone rang, and he snatched it up before it could ring a second time, eyes glancing over the number before hitting accept. “Hello?”

“Eddie, it’s Dr. O’Neill.”

“Yes, I recognized the number. How are the results?” Eddie forced his voice to come out even though it threatened to crack.

There was a pregnant pause before Natasha spoke softly, “I’m not sure I should give this type of news over the phone because I’ll be honest, it’s kind of technical.”

Heart clenching, Eddie’s fingers tightened around the phone before he had to remind himself not to break it, “Buck is still alive, though, right?”

“Of course, Eddie. Jesus Christ, I know my internees hate me, but I’m not that much of a sadist.” Natasha protested. “I’m waiting for a consult from a former neurologist, but our time zones and his life aren’t lining up, but I’m hopeful Buck is responding; the scans indicate that the swelling has gone down considerably.”

“But….” Eddie knew that wasn’t everything cause honestly, that was terrific news, not bad.

A soft sigh echoed through the phone, “The brain is still a mystery, so I’ve set it up so Buck has scans every eight hours, at least until I get my consult.”

“Okay, yeah, no, that’s fine.” Eddie blinked, trying not to feel like something was being kept from him. “What aren’t you saying?”

“You’re very observant.” Natasha muttered, clicking through the phone, “but I have to admit I have some concerns; Ms. Buckley was adamant that Buck nor she had the money to pay for any of these medical tests-”

“Which I’ve already said I’ll cover.” Eddie ground out, annoyed all over again at Maddie’s interference. “Both Bobby and I agreed we’d cover anything that came up, so this worry that Maddie said something shouldn’t matter. I have money from an insurance policy I’ve never touched beyond a few things for my son’s care, sitting in a living trust. I have an appointment for Monday morning to have it transferred, so what’s the issue? Do you need to see the policy?”

Natasha was quiet for a long moment before audibly sighing, “I’m concerned because Maddie seems to be working herself into a frenzy, saying over and over Buck wouldn’t want any of this; she’s concerned about permanent damage and how much her brother would hate it….”

Forcing himself to take a breath to prevent himself from snarling at the doctor, Eddie counted to ten before speaking firmly, “Listen, I understand there are a lot of pressures working with families and their concern for the victims, but at this point, Maddie has no say in any medical decisions regarding her brother. If she wants to believe her brother wouldn’t want a fighting chance, she doesn’t know him, so I will ask you to kindly ignore anything she says. Any and all treatments Buck needs will be paid for in full.”

“Alright, I hear you. And I’ll make sure it’s explicit in the notes for the Buck, just in case Ms.Buckley comes back when I’ve left.”

“Thank-you. Will Buck be moved to the ICU today or tomorrow?” Eddie asked as he removed his seat belt, seeing his son looking through the living room window.

“Tomorrow, we’ve had a hard time getting a spot for him, but I’ve assigned two nurses to monitor Buck overnight.” She paused, and the clicking rang through the phone again, “I’ve arranged for your son to come in and see Buck for a visit; before he’s moved to the ICU, approval for visits there goes through a different systems check. So if you could be here by 9?”

“We’ll be there.” Eddie didn’t ask why she’d done it; the sinking suspicion that the doctor’s words about being hopeful suddenly sounded like a lie. Refusing to finish that thought, Eddie thanked her and hung up, taking another breath as he finally left the truck, grabbing Buck’s things before walking to the front door, wondering if Buck had felt like he was headed to his own execution when Eddie had been shot.

Stepping inside the house, Eddie held himself tensely as he felt Chris’s eyes widen with worry as he took in his dad’s appearance before they dropped to the bags Eddie carried.

Setting them down by the front door, Eddie approached his son, whose eyes filled with tears, his head slowly shaking in denial. Hurrying the last few steps, Eddie landed painfully on his knees and grabbed Christopher, who started to crumple as his entire body erupted in heartbreaking sobs. The answering sting of tears instantly burned Eddie’s eyes, but he was tired of fighting them and allowed them to fall as they cried for their best friend.

* * *

Needless to say, neither of them got much sleep. Instead of Chris getting mad at Eddie, he’d clung, refusing to sleep in his bed, so Eddie bundled them in his after accepting Carla’s reassurance that everything would work out fine. Each time Chris dozed off, he’d jolt awake with a shout, or burst into tears, so Eddie spent most of the night trying to reassure and comfort his son and convince himself that everything would be alright. When the sun finally broke the horizon, both Diaz boys stumbled from Eddie’s room, taking turns in the bathroom before slowly and carefully moving down the hall to the kitchen, Eddie grabbing the bowls and spoons while Chris chose the cereal. When Eddie turned, tears stung his eyes as he viewed the box on the table, noting the mutinous expression on his son’s face, and tilted his head, “If you want to eat Buck’s healthy cereal, you go right ahead, I’m gonna have captain crunch….” Eddie thought it over and then shook his head, “Actually, you know what?” He placed the box on the counter and snatched the Reese peanut butter balls, “I’m having these, and I’m gonna rub it in on how tasty they were when I see him.”

Unbidden, Chris laughed though he tried to cover it up with a scowl, “Buck hates them, says they’re not healthy.”

Shrugging, Eddie swung a leg over the chair as he set the milk on the table, not saying he knew Buck ate them dry when Chris wasn’t around. “If Buck didn’t want me eating unhealthy cereal, he wouldn’t buy it for you….” Eddie pointed at his son, who lost the fight against his smug grin, though his eyes dimmed instantly when Buck didn’t join in on the teasing, bringing home again that Buck wasn’t with them.

As Chris’s eyes filled with tears, he blinked furiously to stop from falling, Eddie cupped his cheek, “Look, I know this is going to be hard, but we will get through, and so will Buck. We’re going to see him after we eat, and then I’ll work on arranging visits once he’s moved to the ICU.” He held up a hand when Chris let out an involuntary cry of protest, “hey, let me finish, I know it sounds scary, but the ICU is to help Buck, yes it’s serious, but the nurses and doctors are highly trained and will keep a very close eye on Buck. “

Chris averted his gaze and slowly poured some of Buck’s cereal into his bowl, toying with the spoon before sighing, “You said Buck hurt his head?”

Hesitantly Eddie nodded, not wanting to lie or hide the truth from Chris. “Yes, in addition to a few other minor healable injuries, Buck does have a head injury.”

Chris carefully poured the milk as he chewed his bottom lip, trying to find the words he wanted to say. He took a bite of the cereal and made a face but gamely kept chewing, “and he had surgery on his brain?”

Nodding again, Eddie copied Chris pouring milk over his cereal and picking up his spoon. “That’s correct; Buck had some trauma to the side and back of his head, which caused fluid to build up, putting pressure on his brain. Dr. O’Neill performed the surgery to help relieve that pressure. They aren’t happy with the results of the scans, so they’re consulting with a doctor in a different time zone, hoping for their input.”

Chris made a face as he took another bite of the cereal, clearly already regretting his choice, but Eddie made no move to offer to change it though he would allow it if Chris asked. “Brain injuries are serious, though, right, Daddy?”

“I don’t ever want to lie to you….” Eddie sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “Yeah, they can be, Buddy, but we both know Buck is a fighter; he will always fight to come home.”

Slowly Chris blinked at his father before a smile formed on his face, “Yeah, Buck’s always gonna fight.”

 

Chapter Three

For almost two weeks, things were great. Okay, that was a lie, but things were good for the first eight days since the accident. Good-ish? No, not even good-ish. Eddie couldn’t even say it was fine-ish; it felt like the end of the world was dawning, not just at home but in the hospital and, according to rumour, at work too.

At home, Chris had become a clingy child again, instead of a thirty-year-old in a pre-teen’s body. The boy refused to sleep in his bed and watched his dad like a hawk throughout the day. They had called Eddie’s parents because Chris had wanted to talk to AbuelaAbuelaGrandmother, but she had been unavailable. Then scowled at Helena’s words and refused to speak further, stomping to his room (Eddie still wasn’t sure what had been said, and neither party was explaining). Helena only got increasingly hostile, harping that Eddie shouldn’t tolerate the disrespect and insisting that Christopher should want to speak to them. Not having the time to deal with that on top of everything else, Eddie had expressed to his father the need for a break, hoping their tentative talks over the last few months would hold. Surprisingly Ramon had agreed and said he’d talk to his wife and made Eddie promise to call if he needed anything. Eddie reluctantly agreed, if only to get off the phone to escape the whining he could hear from his mother through the phone.

As the days passed with no change in Buck’s condition, Chris got more upset. Eddie upped Chris’s therapy session with Dr.Monroe, which helped. However, his PT was a different story, his lacklustre attitude showing he was barely trying in physical therapy, often regretting that bit of resistance at the end of the day as he clung to Eddie in bed, body wracked with sobs before falling into a fitful sleep. It barely left Eddie any time for himself though he made arrangements that Carla would watch Chris – even though he protested when Eddie would go to the hospital without him.

Even though he wasn’t working, he was still getting texts and calls from everyone, all providing various offers of support and, in Ravi’s case, questioning choices in memes. It was like the youngest had taken over Buck’s job, trying to make Eddie smile. The only ones he heard nothing from were Maddie and Chimney. However, Hen informed him that Chimney was acting increasingly weird with everyone and was muttering about transferring shifts, coaching it as it would work better with Maddie’s current hours. Then randomly, a few hours later, he would be his typical self showing pictures of Jee or talking about how he and Maddie were discussing buying a house – but not once asking or mentioning Buck or even Eddie.

It should have set off warning bells, but Eddie ignored that in the bustle of everything else happening around him.

Chris was at therapy, finally consenting to let Carla take him, and Eddie was at the hospital visiting. There had been no change in Buck’s condition; the consultation with the other doctor was apparently still in the works, technically, difficulties preventing contact. So, of course, everything had to come to a head twelve days after Buck’s accident, and they all felt like a catalyst to something else happening that would be even more horrible.

The first, while small and seemingly insignificant, was receiving Buck’s personal effects that had survived the wreckage of the jeep – something Eddie hadn’t even questioned, just accepted. The bag the deputy dropped off with a large coffee, courtesy of the detective in charge, Lou Ranson, piqued his curiosity once more, though he’d already been burnt twice. Thankfully this appeared safe. Opening the zipper on the duffel bag, Eddie saw the uniform from shift and an evidence bag which held Buck’s wallet, watch, and cell phone. Miraculously the cell phone wasn’t damaged, and when Eddie turned it on, the Apple logo popped up instantly.

Satisfied that it appeared to be in working order, Eddie set it aside, checking over the watch and then checking the inside of Buck’s wallet, knowing he kept a hundred in there for an emergency. As he was flipping through the pocket looking for the bill, the multiple dings and vibrations coming from Buck’s phone drew Eddie’s attention, and he glanced over, eyes widening at the number of missed calls, voicemails and texts from someone named Conner.

The name sent a jolt of something indefinable through him as a hazy image accompanied the name. It was the name of the man who came in with his wife, their whispered conversation drawing everyone’s attention but too soft to hear. Though he suspected, Buck thought everyone had given the way Chimney had acted, prying for information.

Sighing, Edie picked up the cell and unlocked it, checking the log and showing over 52 phone calls and 10 voicemails – there probably would have been more, but it was full, and 153 texts. Eyes narrowing at the level of harassment from this guy, Eddie opened the last text message. His blood ran cold at the words staring back at him.

“You fucking punk, you said you’d do this for us. You promised you wanted to, but you never showed up for your appointment and now, you fucking ghost us. I’m so suing your fucking ass; why I ever thought you were a good person? I’ll never know.”

“Who needs your sperm? No, us, we’re done waiting for you. You fucked up and around, screwing with Kamren’s emotions like that; I can’t believe you, man.”

“Why do this to us? Dude, we just want a baby; why the fuck couldn’t you give us that? Is it because you couldn’t get your dick wet? Jealous that you wouldn’t be the kid’s daddy? Fuck you, man, you agreed; that’s our kid you’re carrying around, and we’re getting them one way or another.”

“Look, Buck, I know you. I said you want to do this for us, but this is ridiculous; it’s been four weeks – four fucking weeks since we asked. And it’s starting to feel like every excuse in the textbook, if you don’t want to donate, you don’t. Just man the fuck up and tell me that. So answer your goddamn phone, you coward.”

Eddie had to lock the phone before he read more, resisting the urge to toss it at the wall. He could believe the audacity of this Conner person, the absolute filth and rudeness being exhibited all because Buck was in. Eddie froze and took a breath, unlocking the phone again and pulling up his last phone call – less than two minutes long – entirely unsurprised seeing Conner’s name staring at him. Dios mío, that- realizing where Buck was going when the accident happened clenched something in Eddie, making him gag.

Buck had been acting weird over the last month, no longer going on about saying yes to opportunities. Still, he had postponed or even changed movie nights, claiming a different obligation. He’d be squirrely and avoided answering when asked what he’d done that day, day drinking with Hen last week. Fuck, this had been going on for weeks, and Eddie had been too blind to see it. Now, Buck was lying in the hospital bed in a coma because he agreed to donate sperm to someone, and apparently, the universe did, in fact, yell.

The ringing of Buck’s phone almost made him jump and drop the phone. Conner’s name flashed across the screen, not making him calm any. Debating for not in a full second, Eddie answered the phone, hearing screaming before lifting it to his ear.

“You God Damn fucking prick!. It’s about time you answered, you coward. When I get my hands on you, I’m going to gut you like a pig and get our baby that way. I can’t believe I ever thought you would be good enough to be in our baby’s life, we’d even discussed naming you godfather, but hell they ain’t ever gonna know you existed, you shot your shot and you missed by a fucking mile, ass.” Conner inhaled and then sounded like spittle flew from his mouth, “aren’t you gonna say anything you junked up meathead?”

Eddie smiled – a smile that would have made anyone who knew him freeze and then duck for cover – and spoke coldly into the phone, “This is Buck’s phone; unfortunately, he’s not able to come to the phone right now because he’s currently fighting for his life in the ICU – because I’m assuming he was hit on his way of the donation clinic for your dick, so yeah, choke on that asshole.”

Ignoring the sputtering that erupted on the other end, Eddie ended the call and turned off the phone, determined to take it with him and copy every last text and voicemail over before deleting them from the phone. It would be a cold day in hell before he ever wanted Buck to hear them.

Tossing the phone back into the duffel bag, Eddie zipped it up, shimmed the chair closer to the bed, picked up Buck’s hand, and told him about his day.

* * *

The second thing that happened could be his fault. Maybe. He knows he is not precisely the most technically savvy person and is highly suspicious of anything remotely considered artificial intelligence. But he does, in fact, know how to use “do not disturb” on his phone, and he usually does. He knew it was essential to get a good solids night’s sleep, and with the way life had been throwing curve balls at him, it was something he desperately needed. Chris was still refusing to sleep in his bed, curling up next to Eddie before slowly taking over the bed, starfishing in a way that was very reminiscent of how Buck slept, but Eddie didn’t have the heart to tease his son. Knowing that while it would make Chris smile temporarily, it would also make him sad.

Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear, something which Eddie absolutely hated knowing. The night before, sleep had been in fits and starts, but thankfully not because of Chris; no, it was his own mind playing over different scenarios with Conner, most of them too dark and inappropriate for his oath to help and save people. If the LAFD had an ethics committee that could read minds, they’d probably have questions for him. As for the reason, he knew the morning dawned bright and clear – somehow, he had managed to disengage the Do Not Disturb function on his phone. The ringing was shrill and jarring, jolting him awake. His first instinct was to grab it, not even looking at the name, or number, barking into the phone? “Is he alright?”

After a beat of a pause, the accented voice sounded through the phone, “Is this Mr.Edmundo Diaz?”

The accent through the name made Edie blink in temporary confusion, “Ah, yeah, this is Eddie; who’s this?”

“Mr.Lozano, I’m calling because there is water coming from Buck’s unit, and no one is answering the door.”

Shaking his head to dispel the confusion, Eddie sat up, soothing Chris’s back, who whimpered in his sleep, “Ah… Buck’s not currently there.”

“Where, Buck?” The older man sighed, the sound echoing through the phone but continued not waiting for an answer. “I need you to come down and fix it.”

Glancing down at Chris and seeing him slowly blink his eyes awake, Eddie silently cursed. “I’ll be there in about 15 minutes, Mr.Lozano.”

The man huffed and hung up without a word, making Eddie sigh and run a hand through his hair.

“Has something happened to my Buck, Daddy?” Chris’s voice whispered against the pillow Eddie had liberated from Buck’s loft – ignoring how they’d been sharing the small source of comfort – voice already thick with tears.

“Hey, no mijo. No.” Eddie twisted and cupped Chris’s head, brushing the stray tear that started to fall. “No, that was Mr.Lozano, the supervisor for Buck’s building; apparently, there’s a water leak coming from Buck’s, so I have to go look.”

Chris chewed his lip and glanced at the alarm clock, “can I-” he swallowed, “Can I come?”

Nodding briskly, Eddie lifted Chris from the bed, “Yeah, buddy, you’re coming with. Do you wanna change first?”

Shaking his head, Chris laid it on his father’s shoulder, stifling a yawn against Eddie’s T-shirt, “No thanks, Daddy.”

Pressing a kiss to his son’s head, Eddie grabbed his phone and left the room, only stopping to snag his keys and slip on flip-flops before heading to the truck.

At Buck’s apartment, Eddie pulled into the visitor parking and slid out of the truck, rounding it and removing Chris, who’d fallen asleep again, the boy snuggling his head in against Eddie’s neck. In the lobby, he saw the superintendent muttering into his phone and offered a gracious nod when the man opened the door and held out his hand, “Mr.Lozano, Eddie Diaz, you called.”

“Yes. Yes. I had to turn the water off, as it had flooded the apartments below Buck’s. I tried to enter after I knocked, but the key didn’t work. A clear violation of the condo agreement.” The man started to move off but stopped when Eddie didn’t move.

“What do you- your key didn’t work?” Eddie demanded, eyes narrowing.

“No. The key does not work. Very upsetting.” The man muttered angrily and glared at Eddie as if it was his fault, and Eddie held up a hand in peace.

“Look, Mr.Lozano Buck’s in the hospital in a medically induced coma and has been since the beginning of the month. I assure you he has not changed or given permission for the locks to be changed. I also know that my key worked the last time I was here grabbing some of Buck’s stuff, so sometime between the 5th and now, someone else has changed the locks.” Eddie explained firmly, refusing to allow Buck to be blamed for this.

The old man’s eyes widened, “is Buck okay? He is a good tenant. Always helpful and polite, though the dog was bad.”

Feeling Chris’s fingers righted in his arm, Eddie could only offer a significant glance at his son before responding. “Buck was in a motor vehicle accident; we’re hopeful.”

Catching the look, the older man nodded, tilting his head towards the elevator.

Following behind the man, Eddie wracked his head for who would change the locks on Buck’s apartment because it made no sense.

Stepping off the elevator, water soaked the carpet coming from underneath Buck’s door, the squelch that sounded underfoot making Chris twitch in his sleep. At the entrance, Eddie looked at the handle and lock and glanced at the older man, “Someone’s changed this; it should be gold.” Still, Eddie pulled out his keys and attempted to turn the lock. Unsurprised when it didn’t move, he cursed, kicking the door in annoyance. Shifting Chris to pull out his phone to call Bobby, Eddie held onto the hope Cap would have a suggestion beyond calling B-shift to come and ram the door.

The suddenness of the door opening made Eddie twist, moving to protect Chris physically, barely able to hold on to his phone as Albert’s voice of all people spoke, voice desperate. Even as he turned and half-heartedly tried wiping up the water with a dishcloth. “Oh, thank god you’re here, Eddie. The washer overflowed, and I didn’t know, and when I woke up, I just jumped in the shower. Came down to this mess, couldn’t figure out how to turn the bloody thing off, and I can’t get a hold of anyone, plus I’m going to be late for work.”

Eddie looked past him at the destruction of Buck’s previously immaculate apartment. Given the open cupboards reflecting bare shelving, it looked like every dish was used and dirty, filling the sink and spilling across the counters. There was food on the floor, so a broom or mop had not been used at all, and by the looks of things, there were boxes on the dining table And stairs leading up to the loft in different states of packed and unpacked. Plus, peaking around the edge of the stairs was an ugly-ass sofa, ratted and probably needing fumigation.

“What are you doing here, Albert?” Eddie asked tiredly, ignoring the chaos and leaned his weight against the door jam, not making any move to assist in the time bomb in front of him.

“Ah, trying to clean this up, but I really need to go,” Albert stated, sounding panicky. “Do you know where Buck keeps his spare towels? Can you also call his insurance, cause I don’t have time-”

“I’m gonna stop you there, buddy, ’cause we seem to be having completely separate conversations. I’m not here to help you; I’m here to find out what the fuck is going on, so before I call the cops to have your ass arrested for illegal squatting, tell me how you got in and why the locks were changed.”

Stunned, Albert dropped the towel, head snapping up, eyes blinking in confusion as he finally took in the three people in the doorway.

“Albert, this is Mr.Lozano, the building supervisor and the gentleman who called me at stupid o’clock because, apparently, you’re a dumbass.” Eddie waved a hand towards the older man beside him, who had crossed his arms and looked around the loft in disapproval and disgust.

“What? No, Maddie- Maddie she- she gave permission.” He looked frantically around the room before darting over to the corner, pulling out a piece of paper, and bringing it over. “She said Buck needed someone to house-sit while he was gone, so we signed a month-to-month lease.”

Eddie glanced at the paper, feeling rage sweep through his system, something close to a growl rumbling through his chest. “Did Maddie explain, or did you even ask where Buck has gone?”

Albert fiddled with the paper, averting his gaze before shaking his head, “Ah no, it didn’t come up, and Jee started to fuss, and Chim-”

He stopped talking abruptly when Eddie held up a hand, “I suggest you call your boss and get the day off work, then call either Maddie or Chimney again; if Maddie wishes to be Buck’s POA, then she can get her ass over here and deal with you, and the repercussions of that.”

“No, Eddie, you-” Albert darted forward, face frantic, “please don’t make me call either of them; you’re here anyway, so you can help. Plus, they’re going through a really rough time; I’m helping out by paying rent here and-”

“Why would paying rent at Buck’s apartment help them out?” Eddie demanded, trying not to raise his voice. “How does paying them rent for Buck’s space make any sense? If anything, that money should be going towards Buck’s bills.”

“Ah-ah….” Albert glanced between Eddie’s face and the paper as if trying to find the correct section before offering helplessly, “I don’t know, man. Maddie didn’t say much but was persuasive about it, explaining how this would help….” He glanced between Eddie’s face, taking in the ticking of the jaw, and Albert’s face fell, “What haven’t they told me?”

A single snort escaped Eddie, and he shook his head, “Jesus Christ.” Turning it to the supervisor, he offered the man more of a grimace, then a smile, “I’m sorry for the hassle this morning, but we’ll get this cleaned up. Do you want me to contact Buck’s insurance company?”

“Maybe? I will confirm if much damage was done to other condos, and we will go from there?” The gentleman asked, with a frown as he glanced between Eddie and Albert, licking his lips before speaking again. “Will need a copy of the key for emergency purposes.”

Nodding in agreement, Eddie glared at Albert when the man opened his mouth to protest, “That’s not a problem; I’ll also take a look at the washer and text to let you know when it’s safe to turn the water back on.”

“Good.” The older man sighed again and shook his head before shuffling off down the hall. Eddie watched him for a minute before looking back into Buck’s apartment and entering, shutting the door behind him.

Ignoring Albert completely, Eddie climbed the stairs, stripped the blankets back with one hand and moved into the closet to grab an extra comforter, wrapping it around and laying the boy down.

Chris blinked at his dad and tried hiding his pain behind a smirk, “You owe the swear day, like $10, Daddy.”

Raising a brow in amusement, Eddie ruffled the boy’s head, “I’ll add $50 ’cause I’m sure by the end of the day, I’ll have said more.”

Chris giggled softly and pulled the blanket over his head, inhaling deeply before going lax like he’d fallen asleep.

Wishing he could do the same, Eddie stared down at his son, the sting of tears ever prevalent and ran a hand down his face before straightening his spine and heading back down the stairs.

“How long have you been here?” Eddie asked as he reached the bottom and sank down onto the step, taking a cursory glance inside the box, jaw clenching again, seeing some of Buck’s things inside.

“Umm… about eight days, I think. Things have been a bit of a whirlwind between classes and whatnot; why?” Albert asked, setting the bag he’d been in the middle of grabbing back down.

Jaw flexing Eddie, cracked his neck, irritation growing, “So you’ve been here since the 7 or 8th?”

Albert frowned and shifted uncomfortably, “what’s going on, Eddie? Likewhat’s with the interrogation?”

A humorous laugh escaped Eddie, head dropping to rub at his eyes hard, and then stood up, moved towards the laundry room, pulled open the door, removed the wet vac, and wheeled it back into the living room. “The extra towels are in the half bath; I’ll get the water from the hall; you start mopping the water up here.”

“I can’t- Eddie.” Albert protested in agitation, “I have classes to attend; I’m taking a short semester to go for my L-Stats; I can’t afford to miss it.”

Eddie’s face twisted, unsure how he should react, before settling on some diplomacy, “I’d like to say I feel for you, but I really don’t. See, you have two options: stay and help me clean up your mess, or you can call Maddie and Chim to do it for you. I don’t much care beyond this not coming back to bite Buck in the ass later. He doesn’t deserve whatever this bullshit Maddie’s pulling.”

Albert blinked as Eddie waved his hand to encompass himself, and he swallowed hard. “Eddie, what’s going on with Buck? Where is he?”

At the apartment door, Eddie glanced up from plugging in the wet vac, “At the Presbyterian Hospital in the ICU in a medically induced coma, where he’s been since the third.” With that, Eddie swept open the door, slid the vac out, and turned it on, ignoring the sudden silence behind him.

It took thirty minutes of vacuuming with two repeated dumps of water before Eddie was satisfied with the hall, setting up the carefully “it’s wet” signage the building superintendent had left behind. When he returned to Buck’s apartment, he continued sucking up the water, relaxing slightly, seeing Albert gamely trying to help by soaking up the water with the towels. Once that was done, Eddie moved into the laundry room and looked at the washer, then a second and third look of rage swirling again. “Al? Come here, please?”

Albert peaked around the corner, a hopeful expression on his face, “did you find the issue?”

Rolling his eyes, Eddie nodded, “Could say that? Did Maddie give a reason for changing out the washer and dryer?”

“I didn’t know she did, like I know they’re not the same units that Buck had previously, but I figured they’d broken or something and needed-” Albert cut himself off and hung his head, “Oh my god… what the hell is going on?” Albert stepped forward, vibrating with agitation, “Eddie, I swear to god I had no idea any of this was happening. Like seriously, who does something like this?”

Unable to prevent it, a bark of laughter escaped Eddie, “Maddie apparently, ever since she showed up at the hospital-” Eddie sighed and leaned over the washer and immediately found the issue, the drainage hose, having slipped out, “she’s acting like Buck is one breath away from death, and she’s pissed I’m his proxy and is complaining about the treatment and medical care saying she nor buck can pay for it, and accused me of trying to bankrupt him and then trap him in this life being brain damaged. “

A flicker of confusion crossed Albert’s brow as he frowned, “Ah, Eddie, that makes no sense.”

“You calling me a liar?” Eddie demanded angrily, “Because I was there, and so was Bobby for some of it. I’m not standing here and listening to you defend and praise Maddie-”

“No, Eddie, no, just-” Albert held his hands up defensively, “please calm down.”

Huffing angrily, Eddie drew in a breath and then another and ran a hand through his hair before fisting it and pulling in another breath, “Sorry, why doesn’t it make sense?”

Albert eyed him warily as if Eddie was one step from attacking, and it made him flush in embarrassment and mumble sorry again as he took a step back.

“When I was still living here, Buck and I would talk – especially after the truth about Daniel came out – we compared how we lived and grew up with expectations-”

“Albert, I appreciate the details, but could you skip to the important parts? I’m already hanging by a thread.” Eddie interrupted as politely as possible.

“Oh, um, just that Buck mentioned he had his grandmother’s trust and made some excellent investments over the years; he gave me some advice a while back.” Albert sighed and ran a weary hand over his hand, “Buck was really conflicted over the money – he never explained why but said he would have liked to have known his grandmother.”

Thinking furiously, Eddie frowned, “did Buck mention how much it was?”

Shaking his head, Albert grimaced, “If he did, I don’t remember. I know that Maddie had received one, but Buck suspected Doug blew through a lot of it.”

Eddie grunted an acknowledgment at that and nodded towards the kitchen, “Washer should be fine; double check the hose during a cycle; worst case, you may have to get some zip ties – bottom door in the kitchen – and tie it to anchor it. I’ll call the landlord to let him know it’s not serious; just overlooked. Make a copy of the key and drop it off in the office, please; I don’t care what Maddie says about it; it could save Buck a headache later.”

Entering the kitchen, he saw Christopher standing wrapped in the blankets at the top of the stairs, staring at the boxes in dismay, “Daddy?”

Hurrying up the stairs, he swept his son into his arms, glancing down at the box to see what Chris had spied and leaned down, snagged the stuffed hippo from the crate, and passed it over. “Buck didn’t do this, Mijo; he loves Oscar too much to toss him.”

Chris nodded sadly, rubbing his face against the hippo, “Can I see Buck soon, Daddy? I miss him.”

Closing his eyes, Eddie inhaled the mixed scent of Chris and Buck, unable to stop the tear that escaped. “Me too, Buddy. Me too.”

Continuing down the stairs, he gave a clipped nod to Albert, who stood there helplessly, hands twisting nervously, only speaking when Eddie had his hand on the handle, “We’re okay, right Eddie? I would have never- I didn’t know.”

Bowing his head, Eddie hugged Chris closer and shrugged, “I get you’re working under limited knowledge, Albert… I’m just not sure if that makes it better or worse.” He glanced around the loft, noticing more of Buck’s stuff packed and swallowing the grief, “It just feels like you moved it and started to help in erasing him.”

He didn’t acknowledge but heard Albert’s soft “fuck,” as the door swung shut and strode down the hall and back to his truck.

 

Chapter Four

Arriving at Pepa’s, Eddie rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes, climbing out of the truck again, setting his coffee on the roof as he opened the back door. Letting a now-dressed Chris slide out before passing over his crutches and leading the way to the door. The woman pushed open the screen door with a flicker of confusion, “Hola sobrinosSobrinosNephews.”

“Hola, tia Pepa.” Chris leaned forward and hugged the older woman, carefully keeping his balance while holding his crutches and the hippo he refused to leave behind. “Did you have a good vacation?”

The woman eyed Eddie suspiciously but only said, “I did, and I’ll tell you all about it after you make your way into the living room and find a surprise.”

Chris’s eyes lit up, but his usual level of excitement was subdued and non-existent though he gamely moved into the house, leaving his aunt and dad on the step.

Immediately concerned, Pepa turned to Eddie, “Why is Chris not in school? What has happened, Eddito?”

“Buck-Buck’s currently in a medically induced coma, Pepa. “Eddie whispered, still struggling to keep his emotions in check, but the warm hand on his cheek snapped his gaze up to hers.

“Oh, cariñoCariñoSweetheart, why didn’t you contact me?” Pepa asked as she pulled him into a hug; he gladly accepted.

“I tried until I remembered you weren’t here and wasn’t ruining your vacation, and Buck wouldn’t have wanted me to either. We tried calling AbuelaAbuelaGrandmother, but she wasn’t home, and I’m assuming my mom hasn’t passed that message along because Chris refused to speak to her.”

Pepa cuffed his head but pulled him closer, “Bah, I want to know these things; you boys are the closest thing to children I’ll ever have.”

Choking back a sob, Eddie shuddered and pulled back with a shake of his head, “I – can we concentrate on Chris right now, please.” He begged desperately, wiping at his eyes, “I’m dropping him off with Carla for his PT at 9:30 and heading to the hospital. I don’t have time to get over emotional.”

“There is no such thing, Eddie.” Pepa stated, grabbing his wrist, “Don’t you let my imbecile brother take up residence in your head. You’ll lose months of therapy if you do that, and that’s unfair to you, alright?”

“I know, I know. I’m-” Eddie let out a little growl of frustration, “I’m trying. It’s just a lot. I’m trying to keep Chris happy-ish, but he’s not because he can’t see Buck. I go back to work this week; I’m fighting Maddie every day over different treatments or medical options because of cost, even though I’m paying for everything. And this morning, I found out she’s already acting like Buck’s dead as she let Albert move in, and they’re packing up Buck’s stuff like none of it matters. It’s just been a lot….”

Pepa went to speak, but Chris’s shout of excitement put a pin in the conversation, and Eddie was grateful as he escaped down the hall towards his son. Entering the living room, he found Chris with the half-empty gift bag and a massive smile on his face as he flipped through a giant book. When he lifted his head to meet Eddie’s eyes, his grin widened, “Buck is gonna be so excited; this has over 1000 random facts, Daddy.”

“That’s great; what else do you get?” Eddie slid onto the couch beside him, carefully avoiding Pepa’s penetrating stare – it was enough to make him feel like a child again, caught doing something wrong.

“A 5000-piece space puzzle, it’s gonna be great,” Chris exclaimed as he bent over the page.

Eddie rolled his eyes and leaned back against the cushion, “you still have glue at home?”

A thoughtful frown crossed Chris’s face before he nodded slowly, “, Yeah, I think so, Daddy; Buck brought some the last time he came over.”

And just like that, Chris’s good mood vanished, and he sniffed audibly, “Tell us about your trip, Tia Pepa. Did you see any sharks?”

Laughing, Pepa shook her head, “No, though we did have a pod of orcas swim alongside the ship for part of the day.” Pepa rose and motioned the two boys towards the kitchen, “Let’s move to the kitchen so we can have a snack; you look like you need a good meal.”

Loyally Chris grinned up at Eddie as his dad helped him, “Daddy’s trying, of course, it’s still not as good as Buck’s, but we’re still here. We need to be ready for when Buck comes home.”

“él será dulce. el es un luchador,”él será dulce. el es un luchadorhe will sweet one. He’s a fighter Pepa stated firmly, allowing no room for doubt as she pushed them along to the kitchen, chattering about her Cruise and distracting her boys in their grief.

* * *

Pulling into the hospital later that morning, Eddie backed into the spot he’d come to think of as his, trying not to wonder if he was cursed to park there, considering it was free every time he visited.

Ignoring the echo of Buck’s laughter in his head at his thoughts, he grabbed the bouquet of flowers he’d bought on a whim and entered the hospital.

In the elevator, he avoided looking at his reflection, keeping his eyes locked on the petals as the carriage went up, stopping on random floors before dinging for the third floor. Stepping off, he glanced at the nurse’s station, automatically clocking the new face talking to Peggy. Offering a quick nod, he flashed his visitor’s badge and slipped past the queue, wandering the hall towards Buck’s room. He froze five doors down, spying a dark-haired man standing suspiciously in front of the closed door, trying not to appear as if he was glancing around.

Feeling the hairs rise on his neck and a bitter taste fills his mouth, Eddie carefully avoided crushing the flowers as he stalked forward, face twisting in semi-recognition but still trying to hold on to reasonable doubt. “What are you doing?”

The man jumped, clearly startled, not expecting to be accosted in the hall, and took a breath, trying to appear overwhelmed. “It’s hard, you know? I just needed a minute- my best friend, seeing him like that.”

“Okay, I’m sorry it’s hard seeing a friend like that, but I need you to move so I can visit my friend.” Eddie made to move past the man, but the guy gripped his arm and attempted to push him back.

“You’re not allowed in there; what the hell, man? Go bug someone else.”

A feral evil grin spread across Eddie’s face as he twisted and jerked his arm free, catching hold of Conner’s arm and slamming him against the door. Leaning his weight against the man, and whispered coldly, “Open the door, asshole, and start fucking praying to whatever god you believe in that nothing’s happening in this room.”

The man struggled wildly and helplessly and shouted, “You’re gonna regret this. Do you have any clue who I am?”

“Beyond a suspicion of your first name? No, but I don’t care; you’re not on the visitor’s list.” Eddie snarled, tightening his grip, tense when the throat cleared behind him.

“Diaz?”

“Greg, just an unauthorized visitor.” Eddie responded without moving, “Conner here is going to open the door, and then we’re stepping back, and I’m going to ask you to go first; I have a suspicion his wife’s in that room, and if she’s attempting what I suspect, you don’t want me near her.”

“You know that’s a severe accusation, right?” Greg asked somewhat skeptically.

Eddie nodded, “Trust me, I know, but I have over 52 phone calls, 10 voicemails, and 153 text messages ranging from insane to completely psycho.”

“Do I need to have Athena called in?” Greg asked seriously back, straightening, already fingering the radio.

“Yeah, but ask them to send a detective too, maybe Lou? He’s already dealing with Buck’s case; he’ll be able to tell if he can handle it or hand it off correctly.”

Greg lifted the radio to his mouth and spoke, “Sam, could you put in a call to dispatch to have Sergeant Grant and Detective Ransone sent to the ICU concerning Buckley, not medical related and have Jones make his way up to the ICU.” He added as an afterthought.

“Ten-four Greg, Jones is incoming; I’ll let you know when the rest are inbound.”

Greg clipped the radio back on his belt and nodded, “I’m going to ask you to let him go, Diaz.”

Scowling, Eddie squeezed Conner’s wrist hard before pushing him away as he took a step back, flexing his hands, eyes not leaving Conner as he bent to scoop the flowers off the floor.

Greg reached forward and opened the door; the curtain pulled around the bed, not making Eddie feel any better. Though when Greg jerked the curtain back, Eddie bit back a curse, darted around the women, and flipped the blankets back over Buck’s exposed body, dropping the flowers and whirling, already pointing at the woman who stood there, hands already in the air and tears falling down her face, “you sick fuck! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?” Eddie clenched his hands into fists, “he’s in a fucking coma, you- estúpida maldita perra.”estúpida maldita perrastupid damned bitch

“I did- didn’t- didn’t touch-touch him. I couldn’t.” The woman stuttered out, gasping with a sob.

“I don’t care, the intent was there, and for that, bruja, mereces quemarte.bruja, mereces quemartewitch, you deserve to burn” Eddie spat viciously, nearly incoherent with rage, glaring between the two, “Baba como tu no mereces hijos.”Baba como tu no mereces hijosslime like you don’t deserve children

Peggy stepped into the room, face concerned, “What is happening here?” She glanced between the four occupants, hands on her hips, “This is an ICU. We have patients-”

“Those two putasPutasWhore were going to rape Buck; I-” Eddie bowed his head and drew a deep breath, “get them out of the room. Please, he needs to be checked over.”

“He’s supposed to give us our baby. Dammit, he already agreed to it,” Conner shouted, jerking against Greg’s hold. “Take the catheter out and let her take a ride or jerk him off into a cup, but we’re getting our baby one way or another.”

“Conner, don’t. I can’t-can’t- please don’t-” Kameron shuddered and shook her head, face going green, before she crumpled to the floor, arms going around her stomach, “I just wanted a baby.”

Desperately clinging to the railing on Buck’s bed, Eddie drew in a deep breath and then another, trying not to panic. There were too many people in the room, too many threats against Buck, and too many voices overlapping, and it was starting to overwhelm him.

“Eddie.”

The firm, steady voice snapped him back, and he was startled to see the empty room, except for Bobby and Peggy, who were both staring at him.

“Eddie. The rest are gone, so he’s safe. you can stand down, the threat is gone, and Peggy needs to check Buck over, alright?” Bobby spoke steadily, only reaching for a physical touch when Eddie sobbed, almost pitching to the side. Though Bobby caught him quickly, wrapping him in a solid hug and murmuring reassuringly, even if the words didn’t process, it was the warmth and love in the tone.

Keeping his eyes on Buck the whole time Peggy did her checks allowed Eddie to calm down, the remembered rage making him cringe, only to have it soothed away by Bobby. “Lou arrested them both, though I have a feeling they’re going to end up in a psych ward somewhere, they’re not sane by normal definitions.”

“What’s normal?” Eddie asked after a few minutes wiping his eyes, “Because I don’t even- they thought they were entitled to Buck’s sperm.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Eddie.” Bobby sighed heavily, nodding as Peggy left the room. “Lou said he’d be back shortly to talk to you, so you want me to stay?”

Eddie finally looked at Bobby and took in the turn-out pants, “shit, you were working.”

“Hey, none of that; Athena got dispatch to call me. The rest of the truck is kicking their heels up in the waiting room, but they understand.” Bobby gripped Eddie’s hand, refusing to allow him to pull away, “We’re family, and we take care of each other.”

Overwhelmed and emotional, Eddie blinked rapidly, “Okay, thanks. If Athena doesn’t mind, she can stay; you must go back out there. Buck-” Eddie swallowed, tears glistening in his eyes. “Buck wouldn’t want you wasting time here when you could be out there saving someone.”

Sadly, Bobby nodded in agreement, “You’re right, okay. I’ll send Athena in, but if you need anything, you let me know, alright?”

Eddie nodded and breathed, “I’m just gonna wash my face quickly.”

Taking a few minutes in the bathroom, Eddie washed his face, letting the cold seep into his skin. He then looked at his reflection, almost flinching at his haggard appearance: dark circles under red-rimmed, an almost greenish sheen to his skin, and exhaustion seemingly escaping from his pores. It’d be fine. He’d be fine just as soon as Buck woke up. Now, sooner had he finished that thought that the alarms in the other room started blaring.

* * *

Warm – almost hot hands, cradle his neck and slowly force his head up, brushing the tears from his cheeks. “Oh, sobrinoSobrinoNephew,”

“Pepa, what? How?” He shook his head in confusion and glanced around the still-empty room.

“Athena called me; she said that the machines went haywire with false readings, so they were taking him for some scans.” Pepa smiled or tried to and used his leg to push herself to her feet, sliding into the chair beside him, holding a large envelope.

“Yeah, they did. They said they could get my statement later. I think.” Eddie pointed to the envelope, a flutter of fear erupting in his stomach, trying to push the thought of Nuck on the operating table out of his mind. “What’s that?”

Pepa took a breath and signed, smoothing the edges of the paper. “So, about six months ago, Buck came to see me.”

Confused, Eddie tilted his head, not overly surprised; he knew Buck had taken time out of his day to visit AbuelaAbuelaGrandmother when she still lived here, so he didn’t understand where this conversation was going. “Okay, and?”

Huffing a breath, Pepa passed the envelope over, “Buck was concerned about his care if he was injured either on or off the job. For years he’d had Maddie listed as his POA, so she would at least know something had happened to him….”

“I know that he told me that and how she was his medical proxy when she first came back, but at the start of COVID, he changed me to his medical proxy; it’s why I haven’t called Maddie yet-” Eddie frowned and twisted his mouth, “she keeps making everything more complicated, basing the medical care on what she wants and not bucks wants or wishes.”

Pepa winced but nodded, “Six months ago, he took it a step further; he made an appointment with Jenni at the law firm I work at, then switched everything over to you. Officially you are listed as Buck’s Power of Attorney, medical proxy and next of kin; in the event that- Buck doesn’t make it, you will also inherit everything he has, except for a small portion he put into trust for Jee that can not be touched until she turns twenty-five.”

Stunned, Eddie could only stare at his aunt, mouth moving soundlessly, making Pepa grab his hand and hold tight. “I don’t know what happened, but I do know things between you and Buck have been off for a while, but he explained in his reasonings that you made him Christopher’s guardian and felt that if something happened and he wasn’t able to uphold that part of the bargain he wanted you not ever to have to worry about Chris again. The details are-”

“Don’t talk like he’s already-” Eddie snapped, cutting her off. Then felt tears burn but didn’t bother stopping them; he couldn’t handle finishing the half-formed sentence. He didn’t want to say ‘that’ out loud and call it into being, and if only Buck could see his thoughts now, the teasing the blond would do. That Eddie didn’t want to jinx anything.

Nodding with a sympathetic squeeze, Pepa continued after a minute, “Buck said that he felt he couldn’t trust Maddie, not after everything that’s happened and not been talked about. He also added, with everything that happened with his first injury and the complications after, he still feels a bit of resentment, and while he doesn’t want to blame her, he does.”

Head snapping up, Eddie blinked, “What? Why?” He felt like a broken record, any sense of vocabulary non-existent.

Pepa’s gaze slid to the side, nodding as Athena slipped into the room, then redirected her attention back to Eddie’s, “There were a lot of things missing in Buck’s original crush injury and an abuse of power on Maddie’s part or maybe neglect, it doesn’t matter. Buck should have never been sent home without a compression machine, or instructions on the risk or signs associated with crush injuries, that could have prevented blood clots. He felt that if something of that magnitude possibly happened again, he didn’t want Maddie to have any imagined or assumed control, though he suspects she won’t quietly accept the change and will challenge it. He was upfront with that, but Jenni did her best to combat that possibility.”

Stunned, Eddie could only stare at Pepa, not sure how to respond or what to think, not about Maddie and Buck’s apparent fears, but even the idea that something of that magnitude had been missed the first time, that he had forgotten that the first time. Dios, it was a wonder Buck trusted any of them; they were all certified paramedics. Hell. Eddie had treated crush injuries in ‘sandbox’ and had recommended similar machines upon discharge. He risked a glance at Athena and saw the same gutted expression reflected in the older woman’s eyes and knew she’d been thinking the same.

With a groan, Eddie rocked forward, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes, relishing the sting and pressure, and gave a humourless laugh, “Why did I never tell him I love him…?”

Neither Athena nor Pepa had an answer for him.

 

Chapter Five

It was nice; just lying there was no sense of urgency to move. It didn’t feel like anything was under him, so the floating sensation reminded him of something he couldn’t quite place. It was possible if he opened his eyes and observed the area that, he would remember, but he didn’t care either. It was quiet; even his mind was calm. The air felt wonderfully warm with just a hint of a cool breeze, and for what felt like the first time in his life, there was no pain, not even the numbness associated with drugs. In short, it was bliss. Something he wasn’t sure he’d ever experienced.

There was something to be said about the quiet. How unnaturally natural it felt. It seemed to be something he wasn’t used to overall, the need to fill the silence making him open and then close his mouth, not sure if he didn’t want to ruin the space’s ambience or because he couldn’t find words to say.

How long he lay there, he could say, there seemed to be no passage of time, the light didn’t change to dark, there was no noise to indicate traffic, no alarms going off though occasionally the urge to be on the go got to him and made him twitch as if expecting the silence to be broken by an unknown shrillness.

There were no thoughts running through his mind nor memories which should have been alarming. Still, after trying to figure that out, he felt himself drift again, always floating, the warm sensation of being held carefully and almost reverently enough to think tears should form. It was such a foreign feeling.

Occasionally he thought he could hear something or maybe someone calling for him, maybe his name, he wasn’t sure – he didn’t understand why he’d be named after a male deer. His parents must have been horrible people if that was the case, but he also couldn’t tell you what his name was supposed to be. Not that it mattered right then, he didn’t need to know. It wasn’t like anyone was actually there to talk to him…. Which felt oddly familiar, like something he’d grown up experiencing. Oh! Maybe he was a ghost! That was exciting. He had to remember to tell- no. He couldn’t think of that. That would make him sad and remind him he was breaking a promise. And he didn’t want to be unhappy here; it was safe, pleasant, and increasingly peaceful.

He never seemed to sleep, just drifted in and out of conscious thought. Though drifting brought weird ideas and images, or maybe memories or wants he’d want to experience but never had. He was surrounded by people he expected were his family, laughing and joking, or sometimes arguing- though it usually had a playful air to it.

Most were good, the feeling of love, acceptance and family pouring forth from the assorted collection of nameless people. A man and a boy offering everything he’d always been looking for, shining from their eyes. It made him want to reach out and touch, allow himself to be drawn in and held. In fact, he longed for it but was frozen in fear that it would fade if he did reach out.

And it did, the playful arguing turning into a real confrontation. A standoff surrounded by things – unrecognizable in the mist, but the people were there, and he knew he knew them; he just couldn’t tell you the names. The person doing most of the yelling looked so betrayed. Still, words escaping from their mouth in anger had hurt something – something he’d thought he’d managed to bury and hide deep inside, but the strange man had seemed to see everything that made him who he was and accurately aimed his words to hurt. And hurt they did, feeling like little lances of pain, the sick sensation of blood running down his face enough to make him shove whatever that was away.

The next thought was good – odd, yes, in the way pressing against a naked male would be, but it felt so good too.

Except for the very brief – almost visceral reaction at the remembered pain across his face from a misspoken comment – the rough cold metal gouging and cutting into the thin skin near his eye, followed by a high pitch screeching that wasn’t exactly out of place for that time.

But the silky feeling of warm – hot skin under his hands, and the firmness of muscle instead of the softness associated with women, drove that memory out of his mind. He remembered sex. Lord, did he remember the list and names of females lost in a haze of another faceless woman. But this – The rough timber urging him on, a name whispered in his ear, followed by a loud grunt or groan… it made something twist and swirl in his stomach. The want of that, being held down and taken care of, was so strong he could taste it, and somehow as he lost himself to the sensation, he knew it could only be a dream. He ignored the trickle of a tear sliding down his face in favour of gripping the waist hovering over him closer.

The heat of flames licked at his skin, even hidden under a large coat and pants he knew were called turn out. The banging on the closed doors and the call out as they opened were as familiar as it was to slide into a pool of water. But actually, seeing the fire and being surrounded by it? It didn’t completely compute, and he wondered briefly if that was how he died, even though he didn’t feel dead.

This wasn’t exactly how he expected the afterlife to feel. For some reason, he alternated between the thought that it should be happy and peaceful, and while it was quiet, it wasn’t exactly comfortable. It also wasn’t the opposite, being tortured night and day, repenting of sins he had and hadn’t committed- only guilty of by association. So that brought him back to the idea he might be a ghost, a seemingly acceptable punishment for his failures in life. He never seemed hungry or thirsty, though those were things he knew he needed to live.

He shied violently away from the horror that churned in his stomach when he felt surrounded and trapped by a wave. That was one he didn’t like and refused to finish, not wanting to think, terrified of how it ended… it was so much easier when it was his pain – from the broken collarbone from flying over the handlebars of his motorcycle to feeling like he was being crushed under the weight of the world, all centred around his lower leg, or even the around his left eye, the echo and feel of the punch almost pleasant and deserved in comparison to the terror he associated with the wave of water.

His favourites by far always included a little boy with red crutches, the happiness and love he exhibited never dimmed or waned – even when he had to say no or discipline the boy. The love and acceptance felt paternal. Like he was the boy’s father for real, and god did he wish that he was, the same way he wanted to crawl legitimately and continuously into bed beside the boy’s actual father. The safety he felt in his arms – unlike any he’d ever felt before in his life.

Then, he started searching through memories, the idea and associating comfort from the thought that he might have always been a ghost having to come from somewhere. He saw two older people, people he knew to be his parents, though he’d never once in any memory or wish had called them mommy or daddy; it was always formal, even in a private setting. There was a haggardness to their features he wasn’t sure had always been there, but the lack of kindness he half expected presence like usual. The need to prove he was good, to prove he deserved even a tiny crumb of approval so ingrained that he was already apologizing even when he’d done no wrong.

They ignored him like always. They were blinking sightless as they looked more through than at him. It almost made him want to turn around and see what they saw, but the thought scared him.

He had hazy images of a girl slowly growing into a woman, someone associated with grief and betrayal even though there was love there too. It sometimes felt like a questionable love. He wondered if she loved him because she did or thought she had to for someone else’s sake. Like she was looking for approval too from some unseen entity, always hovering just out of reach.

Her image was replaced by two people he’d learned to associate with acceptance, even in their disappointment. Though it wasn’t a disappointment in his presence, more in his choices, no matter how right they were. It was with them, though, that he wished he could stay and call them his, even seeing other people around that he knew to be their direct family.

When an older Asian Korean man entered, his first reaction was fear. Something hard to comprehend because he knew he was bigger and stronger, but that fear was all the same. Harsh caustic words coached as teasing, followed by screaming, the echo of skin connecting with skin, and blinding searing pain that made him glad his eyes were still closed.

Sometimes a woman entered his mind, an older black woman with kind eyes that reminded him of the hazy girl-turned-woman. The kinship he felt, an exasperated fondness, even through a haze of wishes at two in the afternoon. He remembered going to her for advice but wasn’t sure why or for what, and couldn’t remember the end results of that decision, though he slightly remembered a blurry drive home before he was wrapped in a warm, clean-scented blanket that spoke of ‘home.’

That ‘home’ he knew without being told belonged to that little boy and his father. The first time he stepped inside that home, he’d been made to feel welcomed, and never not once in all the years he’d known them, had he been asked to leave. He knew he had a drawer in the father’s room, though he usually slept on the couch. He was never brave enough to confront his own fears or step over that invisible line into something more. The idea that he wouldn’t be denied was a heartbreaking realization as he lay there and drifted. He could reach out and touch and have it reciprocated, was enough to make him cry.

Then, the voice that had shifted around his consciousness was finally heard, making him sit up in a rush and open his eyes.

* * *

“What do you mean there’s nothing wrong?” Eddie demanded of Natasha, who was supervising the replacement of the machines.

The doctor sighed and rubbed her eyes, “Just that. The machines went haywire, yes. But, there was no rhyme or reason for it – none of the data made any logical sense, never mind a medical sense. If I had to guess, I would say he was dreaming, and something jolted him, but we have no way of knowing for sure. The scans came back fine, great, in fact. So I’m reasonably confident we can remove him from the induced coma. It’ll take a few days for the reversal to go through, but gradually he should start to regain consciousness.”

“What? Just like that?” Eddie started pacing, “It’s been two weeks. It’s too soon.” And Buck needs to heal more, and now because the machines went haywire, you’ve determined it’s safe to bring him out of his coma?” The air quotes he used made Pepa and Athena glare at him, but he didn’t care; he wanted answers.

Those seemed in limited supply because the doctor softened and sighed softly, “Eddie, I wish I had answers, but I don’t. I’m giving you my professional opinion it is safe to start bringing Buck out of the coma, but if you wish to wait-”

“I didn’t say that.” Eddie protested, recoiling from the idea, “I just-” he cut himself off and shook his head, “never mind, the sooner Buck wakes up, the better.”

Natasha glanced between the three and nodded, “Buck will be back shortly, so I’ll go order the start of the procedure. Just.” She stopped and frowned, “Please just remember it’s not an immediate thing; it can take a few days when we will monitor him.”

“And I can bring in my son then? He’s been reading up on coma patients and how their loved ones talking to them can help.” Eddie asked and flushed as he explained.

Unable to agree, Natasha glanced away, “I’ll see what I can do.” She held up a hand when Eddie opened his mouth, “I can’t promise anything, let’s see how Buck responds to coming out of the coma, and I’ll talk to the director; then we can go from there, alright?”

Sighing, Eddie nodded, “Alright. Is there anything I need to sign?”

Shaking her head, Natasha glanced at her watch, “Not this second, but I’ll bring it with me to be back for check-in when Buck returns. Are you handling Ms.Buckley?”

Nodding, Eddie glanced at his aunt briefly, who nodded. “Yes, actually, that reminds me, I’ll have to update Buck’s information, but I’ll make an appointment with the director after I visit the lawyer.”

Pausing mid-movement, Natasha glanced between Eddie and his aunt and raised a brow, “did something happen?”

Eddie snorted, “Not exactly, but kind of… apparently Maddie’s not his PoA, I am. I have to go over everything with the lawyer.”

“I see.” Natasha drew out the word and drew a breath, “We’ll. I wish you good luck, but I predict it might get messy; Ms. Buckley is oddly insistent.”

Snorting bitterly, Eddie sank back into his chair, “That’s one way to describe her.”

Neither Pepa nor Athena said anything as Natasha left the room, just reaching over and clasping Eddie’s hands as they waited for Buck to be wheeled back in.

* * *

A few days later found Eddie walking beside his aunt as she led the way into the law office she worked at. Nodding at the secretary sitting at the front desk, she led the way down a side hall and opened a door revealing an inviting space set up as an office. It had a desk with two comfortable-looking chairs in front of it, a bookcase, and a little side table filled with folders, but that was where the generic feel ended. A colourful little rug lay under the desk, hand-drawn pictures and photographs on the wall, and plants. So many plants. Some were in various stages of being rerooted on the window sill and the top of the bookcase. Eddie seriously wondered how she got any work done.

Sitting down in the chair he was directed to, Eddie cradled the envelope close to his chest and gazed out the window, surprised to see an inner courtyard with walking paths and little benches.

“You alright? You’re looking a little green.” Pepa commented as she picked up a little spray bottle and moved immediately to the window, bending over the plants and ensuring she sprayed all the leaves.

“Rough night.” Eddie responded and admitted softly, “Between my nightmares and Chris’s kicking, I didn’t get much sleep.”

Humming, the older woman straightened and gazed at him, “And the update on Buck? Good news?”

“Maybe. Possibly. I don’t know.” Eddie snorted and groaned, “It’s just the soft reassurances. It takes time, and I’m bloody sick of the phrase.”

Pepa gazed at him before setting the spray bottle down, pulling out her chair with one hand and sitting down. “Do you have any questions before your appointment?”

Shaking his head, Eddie tightened his hold on the envelope, lifting his head with a curious frown. “Actually, yes, but it has nothing to do with Buck.”

Curious, she tilted her head and gestured for him to continue.

“What is it that you do?” Eddie asked in bewilderment as he looked around the office. “I thought- okay, truthfully, I have no idea what I thought you did, but I didn’t think it warranted a private office.”

Laughing, Pepa grinned, “I’m a paralegal; I assist the lawyers with legal research, document preparation, client communications, and a slew of other things that don’t matter.”

“Don’t matter, my ass.” A voice snorted behind them, making Eddie turn before awkwardly rising to his feet. “Your aunt is a highly valued member of this law firm; don’t let her tell you otherwise.” The woman strolled into the room and held out a hand, “My name is Jenni Davison; I co-own the firm with my brother and now husband, we opened fifteen years ago, and Pepa has been with us from the start. I’m sure I should pay her, her gold weight during the quarterly bonus.”

Both women chuckled at his expression before Jenni took pity on him, “Come on, Eddie. We have a whole pile of paperwork to get through. Pepa, you have that file for the Ambers’s case ready?”

“Just about; I wanted to double-check a couple of things that popped into my head last night. Does Sly need it?” Pepa asked, sliding out a folder and flipping it open.

Sighing, Jenni nodded and gestured for Eddie to go first, “Yeah, he said it wasn’t a rush, but maybe get it to him by noon if you could. I left him with a cup of tea in the middle of his book fort, but can you get him out to eat?”

Laughing, Pepa waved them off, “If you need me when you’re done, Eddie. I’ll be here.”

In the hall, Jenni led him down the hall and into another office, this one bigger as it included an L-shaped desk and a side table plus a smaller table with two chairs in front of it, though there were two more chairs along the wall. “Your aunt mentioned that you were bringing in your own will to have it looked over?”

Nodding, Eddie handed over the envelope. “I just slid it in there with the paperwork Pepa gave me for Buck.”

Sliding out the papers, she sat down at the little table, pushing out the opposite chair with her foot, “Is there a particular reason you went with a random lawyer when you had this drawn up?”

Flushing, Eddie nodded. “At the time, I was trying to get out under family pressure, and felt like not only would it be imposing on my aunt, it was also, something I needed to take care of on my own.”

Jenni’s eyebrows rose, but she nodded, setting the papers down. “Did Pepa mention Buck had written a letter that he wanted you to read first?”

Startled, Eddie shook his head and swallowed hard, “No, it was the bare bones, basically letting me know I was Buck’s Power of Attorney, Medical Proxy and Next of Kin, and sole beneficiary.”

Jenni seemed to relax as she nodded, “Yes, that’s all correct, and we’ll get into the details of that, but to start.” She slid a sealed envelope across the table, “I’m going to give you a few minutes to read that, and when I come back, we’ll talk, alright?”

Eyes darting between Jenni and the envelope, Eddie finally nodded and reached for the envelope, surprisingly feeling nothing when he’d half expected to feel dread. He waited until Jenni had left the room, the door snicking shut behind her before breaking the seal, and slid out the paper.

Trying not to read any of the words until he had it spread out and flat on the table, Eddie leaned over and took a breath before starting to read.

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