Reading Time: 77 Minutes

Title: Coloring Outside the Lines
Series: A Symptom of Being Human
Series Order: 1
Author: Jilly James
Fandom: 9-1-1
Genre: Contemporary, Drama, Family, Kid!fic
Relationship(s): Gen
Content Rating: PG-13
Warnings: *No Mandatory Warnings Apply. Canon-typical: violence, situations, and angst. Discussions of: sexual assault, rape by coercion, and child abuse. Mild character bashing. Procedural inaccuracies
Author Note: See main series page for full notes. Title from lyrics from A Symptom of Being Human by Shinedown.
Beta: Ladyholder
Word Count: 19,200
Summary: A past rescue shows up at Evan Buckley’s door and offers him something entirely unexpected and completely, wonderfully life-changing.
Artist: Nightsong21133

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Episode One: Coloring Outside the Lines

Chapter One

Buck tried to focus on his book, but he was filled with nervous energy that had no outlet. He’d been unsettled for days, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He’d thought he’d turned a corner in his life, and now everything felt off again.

He chewed his thumbnail, trying to make the words on the page make sense. He was on the first of four days off, and he probably should try to get some extra sleep tonight, but rest was a lost cause with the way he was feeling.

As soon as it was late enough, it was likely that he’d seek out a bar and try to get laid, burn off some of the energy that was bubbling under his skin—though that made him feel yucky in a way it never had before. The idea of sex had been weird for him since his visit with Dr. Welles.

Before he could follow that thought any further—or avoid it as he usually did—there was a tap at his door.

“Yeah?”

Will Connors opened the door, filling the space with his 6’1 frame and broad shoulders. “You have a guest.” Will was the senior roommate for their room share. He was the main leaseholder and handled all the sublets to the rest of them on a month-to-month basis—said it made his life easier if he got to say who lived with him.

Frowning, Buck got to his feet.

“A very underage girl,” Will added with a frown.

The e-reader slipped from nerveless fingers. “What?” The rules for living at the house were strict about doing illegal stuff, but Buck wouldn’t do anything with anyone underage, regardless of house rules. “Man, I would never…”

Will’s expression softened. “I hear you. Just don’t bring her up here. She seems keen to talk to you, though.” He hesitated. “Talk to her in the kitchen; I’ll make sure no one goes in. California is a two-party consent state, so start a voice recording on your phone and then say you’re recording the conversation and get her saying on the recording that she’s aware that she’s being audio recorded.”

Buck nodded, feeling weirdly unsettled by the advice.

He followed Will downstairs and found a blonde girl who was maybe fourteen or fifteen shifting nervously from foot to foot in the entryway. She looked vaguely familiar, and she seemed to relax as soon as she saw him.

“Hi. You’re Evan Buckley, right?”

Buck’s eyebrows shot up, and he exchanged a look with Will. “Do I know you?”

“Yes.” Her nose scrunched up. “No. I mean, sort of. We kind of met while you were, um, working…?”

That was worse. If she’d stalked him from a scene, that was so, so bad. He’d have to report it to the department, and then there’d be all kinds of questions and follow-ups that would be uncomfortable and likely result in Chim being a dick for days.

Will stepped into the breach and gestured toward the kitchen. “Why don’t you both head into the kitchen.”

Buck reluctantly led the way and was surprised when Will followed them, shutting the door firmly with himself still in the kitchen. The room was large and spacious with a big table where most of the roommates ate, avoiding the formal dining room, which the more professional of the roommates tended to use as a work area.

“Hi. My name is Will Connors. Buck rents from me, so I think you can understand if I’m a little concerned about someone your age coming to the house.”

She nodded. “I’m not trying to cause problems, really. I just wanted to talk to Buck.”

“You saw him at a scene…?”

“No…? Well, yes.” She scrunched up her nose again.

Will pulled out his phone and pressed a few buttons. “Do you mind if I record this? California requires everyone who is being recorded consent to the recording. There’s a legal argument to be made that you don’t have an expectation of privacy in my kitchen, especially when there’s a sign that the property is under video surveillance, but I’d prefer if everyone states clearly that they’re fine with preserving the conversation for posterity.”

She nodded with more enthusiasm than Buck thought the situation warranted, because he was damn confused. “That’d be great, actually. Are you a lawyer? Because you sound like a lawyer.”

“Sort of. I’ve finished law school, and I’m working for legal aid while I study for the bar. And what was your name?”

“My name is Marika Samaras.”

“I know your name….” Buck trailed off, not able to place it.

Will gave Buck a tight smile. “And Buck, you consent to be recorded?”

“What? Yeah, of course. I’m Evan Nathaniel Buckley, and I live here with Will. Marika just arrived, asking to speak with me. Marika, you’re familiar to me, but I can’t remember how we met.”

“We didn’t exactly meet, though we rode in an ambulance together.” She stared at her feet.

Buck frowned. “I don’t ride in the ambulance very oft—” He sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly able to place her. His knees felt like Jello, and he blindly grabbed for a kitchen chair, sinking into it before his knees could buckle.

Will gave him a worried look and set the phone in the middle of the table so it would keep recording. “Ms. Samaras, would you like something to drink? Please have a seat.”

“I’d like water, if that’s all right.” She sat down. “And just call me Marika.”

Will got Marika water and put a glass of Buck’s preferred black tea in front of him with a questioning look.

Buck cleared his throat. “How’s your baby?”

Will took a measured breath.

Marika shrugged one shoulder and stared at the tabletop for a long time. Finally, she looked up and met Buck’s gaze. “Do you know that you’re the only one who tried to keep us apart?”

Buck felt like he’d swallowed glass. After clearing his throat, he managed to say, “I apologize for that, Ms. Samaras. I should not have—”

“No, you should have! I looked it up. I looked up a lot of stuff. Victims aren’t supposed to be transported with their…attacker, I guess would be the word.” She frowned. “You were the only one who stood up for her and said that I shouldn’t be around her after I— After I—” She frowned and looked away.

“You don’t have to—”

“No, I do! I tried to kill my baby, and no one acts like that matters!”

Will gave Buck a wide-eyed look.

“Of course it matters, but—”

“No, let me say it!” she practically spat. “Everyone cuts me off and tries to make me feel better, but the truth is that I tried to murder my baby. And I shouldn’t have been anywhere near her after what I did. My stepdad did something fucked up to me, and I know that, okay? But it doesn’t mean what I did to her was okay. Yet everyone is focused on how to get us better and how to reunite our family and—”

“Whoa, they’re going to let him—”

“No, not him.” She picked at the loose threads on the cuffs of her hoodie. “Me, Mom, and the baby. The hospital, the doctors, nurses, social workers, judges…. Maybe behind the scenes they’re trying to protect the baby but, to my face, they only talk about us being a family and enabling me to take care of her.”

“Is that what you want?”

After a long pause, she shook her head, and her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t. She’s a constant reminder of what he did, and maybe I’m not mature enough to figure out how to get over it. Maybe it’s like the nurse said and in time I’ll just see her and not him, but what if that’s not true? What if I always resent her?”

“I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you, but I’m not sure why you’re here.”

“You’re the only one who’s stood up for her, you know? The only one who, to my face, said I didn’t deserve to be around her.”

“Again, I shouldn’t have—”

“You should have! Why are people so damn scared to say I did a fucked-up thing?”

Will softly replied, “Because your emotional state is fragile. At a bare minimum, that’s the reason. Even if they’re thinking it, they won’t say it.”

She pinned him with a look. “Do you think it’s fucked up?”

“I don’t know what you did, Marika.”

“I gave birth to my baby, took her up to a construction area in my building, and shoved her down a standpipe.” She took a shuddery breath. “No one wants me to say it bluntly, but that’s what I did. I tried to drown her and do away with the evidence at the same time. Buck was one of the people who cut her out of the wall and then had to pull her out of the pipe. And now she’s living with me, and a social worker comes every couple of days to check on her. I’m scheduled for therapy twice a week. We focus on how to be a good mother, but I don’t want to be a mother at all. You tell me, Will Connors, not yet an attorney, is that fucked up?”

“Honestly, Marika, that’s all very fucked up.” His voice was soft.

She nodded and went back to staring at the table and picking at her cuffs.

“Marika, why are you here?” Will asked gently.

“Mom and I had a long conversation, and we agreed that I can put her up for adoption. Mom’s left the deadbeat, and we’re going to move—start over, new school, new life. Maybe even a new name. We need to handle the adoption before we go, though. But I don’t trust the system. I don’t trust any of these people after the last couple of weeks.” She shook her head. “They all feel like a bunch of liars.” She pinned Buck with a look. “Except you.”

Buck shook his head. “I should never have said—”

“No, you should have. You didn’t want her transported with me because I’d tried to kill her, but that cop made you. I read all about it, the rules, and everyone but you was wrong. But they acted like you were wrong, and I don’t get that.” She gave him a direct look. “Knowing how I feel, what should I do?”

Buck bit his lip. “It’s drilled into us not to get involved in what happens with the people we rescue, that we have to leave it behind at the hospital doors. That we need to use the uniform as a shield between our duty and our opinions.”

She looked disappointed at the answer.

“The firefighter in me is done with your rescue, Ms. Samaras. But I’m not in uniform and I’m not on the job right now, so what I can tell you is that it’s miserable to grow up unwanted. It’s a terrible agony that you can never truly shake to feel like your every breath is a burden to the people who should love you.”

She looked up sharply.

Buck leaned forward and gave her a serious look. “If you keep her, and if you never grow to feel love for her, she will know. She will live with that burden for the rest of her life. No matter how many therapists tell her it was your failing, she will always wonder what she could have done better, or if you’d have loved her if she were someone else.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “I resent her with everything that’s in me, but I pretend with the social worker and anyone from CPS so they’ll leave me alone.” She hesitated and then whispered, “And so I don’t get in more trouble. The only way I can make this work is to give her to someone who will give her a better life, and I just don’t trust anyone anymore.”

She reached across the table and took hold of his forearm. “How do you know all that? How do you know what it would feel like for her?”

Buck hesitated. “The most positive way I could describe my parents’ feelings towards me is disinterested.”

“How bad?” she pressed.

“Starting at age eight, despite living in the same house, I could go weeks without actually seeing them.” He was keenly aware of Will’s sharp attention. Buck gave an attempt at a smile. “They loved my sister, though, so that’s always left me wondering what was wrong with me.”

“Maybe they just never recovered from the death of your brother?” Marika offered hesitantly.

Buck blinked in shock. “What?”

“I’m sorry. That was so rude of me. I know everyone thinks my generation is nothing but rude, but my mother actually wants me to be polite and well spoken.” She winced. “I just…did a lot of research on you before coming here. I guess that feels stalkerish, huh? Your brother seemed like a cool kid. There were a lot of articles about him in the local Harrisburg paper, but you were probably only a year old when he died, so you probably don’t even remember him. Oh my god, I’m babbling. I’m so sorry. It’s probably a painful family thing that you don’t even like to talk about, and I threw it out there like it was nothing. I’m so sorry. I’ll shut up now.”

“Marika,” Will interjected firmly, letting Buck wallow in shock, “I think Buck’s position is pretty clear. As a firefighter, he can’t offer you any advice about whether you should put your baby up for adoption, but as a human being who has suffered from parental neglect, obviously, he feels strongly that it’s not an optimal life for a child.

“So, with that covered, I hope you got your questions answered. Is there anything else we can do for you?”

“Oh, no.” She rubbed her hands over her face, looking flustered. “I went about this all wrong. I wanted to offer to let you adopt my baby.”

Buck felt his whole body go numb.

~*~

“Here, drink this.” Will pressed the warm mug into Buck’s hands.

Buck took the drink and then nearly choked on it, not having expected the alcohol in the tea. Everything had been a blur after Marika’s bombshell, and Buck was glad Will had been involved and had taken over.

“You’re a little bit in shock,” Will observed.

“Are you qualified to make that evaluation?” Buck finally managed to find his voice.

Will chuckled. “Actually, yes. I worked my way through law school as a paramedic for one of the private companies that operates near UCLA.”

“Oh, I had no idea.”

“No.” Will rotated his mug in his hands. “I didn’t want you to. Didn’t want that point of connection.”

“What is this?” Buck stared at the drink in his hands.

“Didn’t you used to be a bartender?”

“At a tropical resort, yeah. Not much call for whatever this is.”

“It’s called a blueberry tea. Earl Grey tea, Grand Marnier, and amaretto. Garnish with a slice of orange.”

Buck stared at the drink. “Why is it called blueberry?”

“Tastes like blueberries, doesn’t it?”

Buck took another sip. “Yeah, I guess it does. Weird.” He frowned when he realized they weren’t in the lounge. Will had led him out of the kitchen, but Buck had never seen this room, and he hadn’t been paying attention to where they were going. “Where are we?”

“That’s part of a bigger story. Can I ask a question?”

Buck took another drink of the tea, which tasted vaguely of Earl Grey and blueberries as well as brandy.

“You didn’t know you had a brother, did you?”

Buck shook his head. “I’m not sure she’s even right…”

“You did,” Will said firmly. “I’ve been doing some Googling while you were staring into space. Daniel Philip Buckley died in July of 1992, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Survived by parents Margaret and Philip, siblings Evan and Maddie.” He gave Buck a sympathetic look.

“I had no idea. No one ever spoke of him.”

“Hmm.” Will rocked back in his chair, looking thoughtful. “I should apologize to you.”

“For what exactly? I’d have been lost down there without you. I’m still lost, but at least Marika got home. She got home, right?”

“Her mother was waiting out front. Marika had wanted to handle this part by herself, and it’s apparently very difficult for her mother, or something.” Will waved a hand. “After I left you in the kitchen, I talked to Gretchen for a few minutes. I was surprised to find you hadn’t moved an inch.”

Buck frowned at that, finding something odd about Gretchen’s discomfort. “So, what is it that you need to apologize for?”

“This is my house.”

“Dude, I know. I signed the lease—”

“No, I don’t mean you’re subletting from me, I mean I own it.” He frowned. “I inherited this place from my grandfather.” Will blew out a breath. “My mother was Korean, as you can probably tell,” he gestured to himself. “She was the second wife, and my father is of Irish and Italian descent. He had three children before me from his first marriage, and I was an unintended side effect of a poorly done vasectomy. My siblings are honestly awful people, and they treated my mother very badly.

“My father made token efforts to rein them in to keep his wife happy, but ultimately he wasn’t very successful. My grandfather, however, was a good man and made some overt gestures of his disapproval. Not the least of which was the threat of cutting them out of his will if they didn’t shape up—he followed through.” He gave a wry grin. “His three grandchildren who look just like him inherited nothing and I, the half-Korean accident—their words, not mine—received his house and property.”

“That’s good that he gave you the house.” Buck hesitated. “Right? Unless you didn’t want it?”

Will laughed. “I loved my grandfather and miss him dearly—his home is nothing but good memories for me, and I appreciate how he helped secure my future. My family drama aside, despite owning it outright, this house is a beast to maintain, and I have a large debt from law school.”

“I can only imagine.”

“My grandfather’s inheritance certainly helped, but my father did not since he was angry with my grandfather—and me by extension—over the property distribution. So, I decided to rent the rooms out. I knew someday I’d want this place as a home for my family. However, I’m not interested in a family now—I want to get my career in order. As for where we are now, we’re in my study. It used to be my grandfather’s office.

“When I made the decision to rent, I decided to pretend to be the main lessee myself who was subletting the rooms. I didn’t want to get close to the people here. I wanted the roommate vibe so people would be natural around me, so that I could get rid of people who weren’t respectful of my grandfather’s home, and, uh, I didn’t want the attachments.”

“So it’d be easier to kick people out when the day came that you wanted to start your own family?”

“Yeah.”

“I get it, man. It’s fine.”

“Is it?” Will cocked his head to the side, giving Buck an assessing look.

Buck just shrugged. “I understand.”

“Well, tonight it hit home how that wasn’t fair to keep us all complete strangers. I know firsthand how much it sucks to be a paramedic at times, and I certainly never had to cut a baby out of a pipe.” Will ran his hands over his face. “Jesus, what was that even like?”

“As bad as you can imagine.” Buck stared into the drink, trying not to remember that fragile little body in his hands. “We couldn’t wait for the elevator, so I ran her down every flight of stairs to the ambulance, and then—”

“They brought down Marika and demanded that she be loaded in the same ambulance?”

“I protested and got myself in trouble.”

Will sighed. “You weren’t wrong, though. Strictly speaking, the rules say they should have been transported separately.”

“I guess. Doesn’t matter now whether I was right or wrong.”

“Seems to matter. You standing up for that infant is why the mother now wants you to adopt her child.”

Buck made a frantic motion. “Can’t deal. Go back to the house.”

Will smiled gently. “I think I may have done a disservice to you and probably even me to keep everyone at arm’s length all this time. I know you recently had that rescue gone bad that made it all over the news.”

Buck winced.

“I thought about reaching out to you then, but I…. Well, I guess I chickened out.” Will sipped his own drink, which seemed to be the same as Buck’s. “I’m not sure why I was fighting my own impulses about who to allow close.”

“Maybe you were worried about someone taking advantage of you?”

Will’s smile was a little wan. “Yeah, maybe. You and Isaac, in particular, are easy for me to connect with, and I’ve been an ass for resisting.”

Buck shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything, Will.”

Will nodded, but his expression was pensive. “Listen, you’re going to need some help navigating this situation with Marika. Can you afford an attorney? Obviously, I’m studying to be an attorney, but I’m not one currently, and this isn’t even the kind of law I plan to practice.”

Buck goggled at Will. “Why would I need an attorney? You really think she’s serious,” Buck waved his hand, “about all that?”

“She was dead serious, and so was her mother. They want to dump that kid as fast as they can and get out of the area, so they can forget any of this ever happened.”

“But why me?”

“I think you already heard the answer to that.”

Buck shook his head. “Standing up for a baby who’d nearly been murdered doesn’t make me qualified to be a parent!”

“In her eyes, I think it does. Setting the issue of the baby aside, do you want to be a parent someday?”

Buck felt his insides turn to mush. “I’ve always wanted a family.”

“And could you love a child you adopted?”

“I wouldn’t care; I know myself well enough to know that doesn’t matter to me.”

“Okay, can you afford to care for a child?”

“Yeah. I mean, I saved most of my money when I was traveling. I lived cheaply and often took jobs that paid well. My biggest expense was going to the fire academy full time while paying rent here. That drained my savings a bit, but I still worked a few bartender shifts to keep the money coming in.”

“Okay, do you mind if I get nosy and ask how much of a nest egg you have?”

“Umm… I’m not entirely sure.” Buck thought it over. “I had an IRA before the LAFD that I still contribute to and, of course, we have a pension plan with the LAFD. I think I have about 50k in my IRA but no idea about my pension since it’s sort of useless to me right now. I have about the same amount in my Roth IRA. In investment vehicles, there’s about double the amount of my retirement accounts. Finally, between savings and checking, about fifteen thousand, I think.”

“Debt?”

“None.”

“At all?”

“Nope.”

Will looked thoughtful. “So, your net worth is about three hundred twenty-five thousand without accounting for whatever is nominally in your LAFD pension fund? Nominal since you’re fairly new to the department.”

“Yeah.”

“Actually, that’s really good. Nothing else?”

“I have a small piece of property in Colorado, and there’s some sort of monetary inheritance from my grandparents, but it has all these weird rules about inheriting. For sure, I get it when I’m forty, but getting it before then is apparently the equivalent of a tornado and volcano in the same place at the same time. According to my parents and my sister, anyway.”

“Do you know how much?”

“No idea.”

“I think you should look into it. Find out what these rules are.”

“You’re talking like I should adopt this baby.”

Will leaned forward. “Think about it, okay? Think hard about what you want for your life. Marika wants you to raise this child. I can recommend someone to help you if you want to go forward.”

Buck stared.

Will took a deep breath. “Marika said they haven’t really named her. They keep calling her ‘baby.’ She said if you wanted to do this that you could name the little girl.”

Buck passed his hand over his eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Is there someone you trust who you could talk to?”

There were several people Buck desperately wanted to reach out to, but he knew he shouldn’t—or couldn’t. “Not really. Not anymore. The person who I would have gone to…she died right before I went to Peru. In fact, her death is why I even went to Peru. She left me her place in Colorado. I just couldn’t deal with the grief of losing her, so I left.”

Will frowned. “What is this place?”

“It’s this piece of land kind of near Colorado Springs. I met a couple who needed a place to stay who live on the property and care for it. There are some agreements in place with local tourist companies who use it for hiking trips, climbing, bouldering, and stuff of that nature. The fees help offset the property taxes. There are also some sections of the land where she had pasturing agreements with local ranchers. I left all of that alone, and between the Padrons and the accountant, they manage to turn a small profit that I keep in an account in case there’s a year where things drop off.”

“Just how big is this place?”

Buck blew out a breath, not really liking digging into his still-painful past in Colorado. “About a hundred and eighty acres.”

“You have nearly two hundred acres of ranch and recreational land near Colorado Springs?” Will asked, tone incredulous.

“There’s a small house on the property, and the Padrons are building their own home as well.”

Will blinked. “Do you know what it’s worth?”

“No…? I lived on the ranch for years, helping out Ms. Prudence Wells. I worked volunteer SAR while helping her maintain the place. When she passed, I was shocked that she left me the place.”

“You two were close?”

Buck looked away. “Yeah. And I didn’t want to deal with anything after she died, so I invited the Padrons to live on the ranch and take care of it, so I could…” He heaved a sigh. “I ran away to Peru, okay?”

Will looked sympathetic. “I’m not going to judge you, Buck. I moved a bunch of strangers into my grandfather’s house on a pretext, keeping myself surrounded by people but never getting close to anyone.” He shook his head and typed away at his phone. “The Wayward Journey Ranch?”

“How’d you know?”

“I Googled Prudence Wells.” He began to read from whatever was on his phone. “The ranch was established by Nettie Wells in 1880 and was famous for decades as a place for wayward travelers to stop and find peace. The ranch passed to her granddaughter, Casey, in 1922. Casey, though married with children of her own, left the ranch to an unmarried distant cousin, Prudence. Prudence ran the ranch until her death in 2016, whereupon she left the ranch to a young man outside the Wells family.”

Buck swallowed heavily. “I think her attorney wrote that.”

“Probably.” Will pinned Buck with a look. “A ranch of that size, in that location. The land alone is probably worth four million. With the recreation and ranching agreements in place, probably more, especially if it’s got good water rights. You were never interested in living there?”

Buck opened and closed his mouth, not sure what to say. “Maybe someday. It all feels like a painful memory most days. Regina and Abel want to live there permanently, and they’re working to build a second house on the property that they can live in as their own. I keep in touch occasionally, and then there’s the attorney…stuff. I don’t know.” He felt uncomfortable. “The ranch doesn’t cost me anything, and it doesn’t really make me anything, so I just don’t think about it.”

“Yes, but it’s a huge financial asset that helps to have in your back pocket if you’re applying for a home loan.”

“A home loan,” Buck echoed.

“Buck. Do you want to adopt this little girl?”

He stared.

“There’s no right or wrong answer, my man. What’s the first thing that comes to your heart?”

“Yes.”

“Then we’ll work on that. I’ll help, okay?”

Buck swallowed heavily. “Yeah, all right.”

Chapter Two

“Have a seat, Mr. Buckley.”

Buck released the attorney’s hand and nervously rubbed his palm on his trousers. “Just Buck, Ms. Bettencourt. Thank you for getting me in so quickly.”

She smiled at him, and he was a little awestruck at how beautiful she was, but he managed to push that aside. “Call me Mari, then. It’s short for Marigold, but pretty much only women I’m related to who are at least twenty years my senior get away with calling me Marigold. And that’s only because my only legit form of retaliation is the stink eye.”

Buck smiled, feeling himself relax a little.

“I do a couple of days a month with Legal Aid, and Will is a gem—he’s going to be a great attorney. I’d do anything for him, so when he asked me to take your case personally, I was happy to do so. Also, one of my more annoying clients forced a continuance on a custody hearing, so instead of being in court all day today, I had my day free up unexpectedly.”

She slid closer to her computer and began typing. “Since you were willing to pay my retainer up front, and e-signed our firm’s paperwork online this morning, I went ahead and got to work on this unusual situation while I had the time free.” She flashed him an apologetic look. “I’ll admit, we’ve eaten up a lot of that retainer already since I had the whole day to put to this situation, and I also got our paralegal team and an investigator involved.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ve had a lengthy conversation with Gretchen and Marika Samaras. The biological father—that is, the stepfather, ugh—has already given up his parental rights and left the family home, likely under threat of legal action. They both seem quite sincere in seeing the child adopted as soon as possible. Because Marika is a minor and a minor cannot have custody of another minor in the state of California, full legal and physical custody has already been awarded to Gretchen, though Marika maintains parental rights and would normally be able to petition for full custody when she’s eighteen. It’s honestly strange that custody has been awarded so soon after the nightmare surrounding the baby’s birth, but it works in our favor, so I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth on this one.

“The adoption is going to take time, and the state has investigation protocols; however, in this circumstance, considering the mother’s antipathy toward the child, she would like, and I agree, to draw up guardianship paperwork that would place the child in your physical custody almost immediately. The only thing that’s needed for such a thing is yours and Gretchen’s agreement since Gretchen has the legal authority to grant someone else guardianship.”

Buck stared. “I don’t have a place for a child to live.”

“I know a living situation is high on your priority list, but I truly feel the actual placement of the child is more important. Marika does not want this child, and I worry the care she’s getting is bordering on neglectful. Child Protective Services is focusing on reunification and therapy for Marika, but she doesn’t want it, even if she’s faking because she thinks doing otherwise will result in legal troubles for her. Even if Gretchen has custody, certainly CPS is focusing on the parenting skills of Marika.

“It’s going to be a bit of a tap dance to shift guardianship permanently, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. We’re skirting things from a legal perspective to do it this way, but hopefully we can get a home study done before Marika’s rights are severed.”

“But that doesn’t address that I don’t have a place to put her.”

“She’s just a couple of weeks old, Buck; she’s barely moving a hand on her own yet. She’ll sleep in the room with you.”

“My room is pretty small.”

Mari waved that away. “I talked to Will. He has a suite he’s never rented for a variety of reasons, but he feels comfortable letting you and the baby stay there until your situation is resolved. Yes, even if that takes months.”

“Wait, what? I thought all the rooms were rented.”

“You’ll have to take that up with Will for an explanation, but he says there’s a big suite that you can have. Nominal increase in rent, nothing you can’t afford, and you’ll have plenty of room for the baby.” She looked up from her computer. “Also, name the baby, please. I feel like I’m contributing to neglect by letting them keep calling her ‘baby.’”

“Charlotte,” Buck blurted out. God, it was going to hurt if this got taken away, and he didn’t even have her yet.

Mari’s expression softened. “Charlotte, it is. Marika only wants to know for the purposes of filling in the birth certificate finally; she doesn’t plan to call the child by name. Honestly, I think she doesn’t want to see Charlotte as a person.”

Buck swallowed heavily, a sense of dread filling him. “How soon can we do the guardianship, then?”

“I’m drawing up the papers. They can’t afford an attorney of their own, and it would be inappropriate in an adoption situation for you to pay for their lawyer, so I’ve worked it out with another a colleague at another prestigious firm who also does pro bono for legal aid. Since he’s not with this firm, there’s no conflict with him representing their interests. He should be talking to them soon. Honestly, we could probably have Charlotte in your care by tomorrow, bearing in mind that we’re going to be doing a lot of wrestling with CPS as we move through the adoption process.”

“Won’t they throw up a roadblock to me having custody now?”

“They can try, but Gretchen is entitled to appoint a temporary guardian for her grandchild. People do it all the time to avoid children being placed in foster care if they know they can’t attend to them for some reason. Because Charlotte is currently being monitored by CPS, they’ll be all up in your business sooner rather than later. They don’t have a legal leg to stand on at this point, especially once we pay the fees for a private home study.”

Buck swallowed. “I can have her tomorrow? Really?”

“If you can get ready and we can get the paperwork handled, I don’t see why not.”

“I can…. Yeah. Tomorrow is my third day off on a four-day stretch, and I can ask for a couple days of PTO, stretch my time off. If I can get three days off, I’ll have a full additional week and then only have to work one day before having four more days off.”

“Do that. Take the time to get settled.” She pulled out a couple pieces of paper from a folder and passed it to him. “I took the liberty of putting together a few things for you. First is an immediate shopping list. Don’t go crazy, just get the essentials until we sort out permanent custody. Shopping aside, we need to get you ready for your evaluation and background check for the adoption. I’d like you to get evaluated by a therapist, just to have that on file because it will eventually come up.”

Buck felt queasy. “Do I have to?”

She stopped her hyper organized working and focused on him. “Problem?”

“I just don’t want to do…that again.”

“That?” she echoed.

Buck looked away.

“Buck, can you talk to me about what’s going on?”

He swallowed down the rising nausea.

“When was the last time you went to see a therapist?”

“It was recently. I had a difficult rescue I was having a hard time letting go of. A, uh, guy on a roller coaster. He, um…”

“The one who let go?” she asked gently. “I only know what I heard in a couple of news segments.”

“Yeah. I was struggling, and my captain felt like I should talk to someone. It was voluntary, but he said he’d make it mandatory if I wouldn’t go on my own.”

“So you went…?”

Buck nodded.

“And?”

“I just don’t want to do that again, okay?” He still couldn’t look at her.

“I really need to understand why not, Buck.”

His hands curled into a fist. “I shouldn’t feel bad about it, but I do. And I don’t want to be in that position again. I mean, it’s nothing, right? It’s nothing. I do it all the time.”

“What is it that you do all the time?”

“Have sex.”

There was a long silence. “Your therapist had sex with you?”

He nodded.

“You understand that’s against the law…?”

“I…. No, I don’t think I knew that.” Why didn’t he know that?

“Okay, Buck, I need you to look at me when I say this.” Her tone was gentle but firm.

He forced himself to meet her gaze.

There was no judgment, only a sort of gentle compassion. “That was criminal, and it’s legally considered sexual assault. I’d like to do three things here. First, if you’re up for it, I’d like to invite one of my colleagues in who specializes in personal injury, particularly malpractice and have him sit in while I record your accounting of events. A long time ago, he did some work in labor law, so he can help navigate the situation better than most. Then I’d like you to immediately get set up with a new therapist. I can refer you to a male therapist to set your mind at ease.”

“I’m bisexual, so I’m not sure how that will help,” he blurted out.

“Well, I happen to know the guy I’m thinking of is both straight, very old, and very married.”

“Oh. What’s the third thing?”

“I’d like you to consider the possibility that this therapist might be doing this to other people. We can discuss it further later, but as we talk, please think about that, okay? I won’t put it on you that you owe others to act, or some such thing, but it’s worth considering that you may not be alone. That however you’re feeling, you may not be the only one. And that her actions may be keeping people from seeking the mental healthcare they need, especially in your line of work.

“And, finally, we need a psychologist to evaluate you for this adoption proceeding, so this is not something we can delay.”

Buck felt an instant well of panic.

Mari held up her hand. “I’m not saying anyone is going to reveal it, but you need to deal with this. For your sake and Charlotte’s sake, you need to properly deal with it, not suppress it. All right?”

He somehow managed to nod.

“Good.” She typed something on her computer. “We’re going to move as quickly as possible on all of this. Any idea on a middle name? If they’re going to complete the birth certificate, they might as well fill the whole thing in. If not, they can leave it blank, and you can change it when you change her last name at the adoption.”

Buck was saturated already, so he just shook his head.

“All right. Next up, I contacted the attorney for your grandparents’ estate to find out about this nebulous inheritance. They wouldn’t tell me the criteria for inheriting before age forty, but they asked several questions about your life and then said you’d already met the inheritance criteria. I don’t have the grounds yet or anything. You’ll need to sign some paperwork if you want me to pursue that, and they said they’ll need to do an investigation to verify the claims I made.”

“And you have no idea what it is about my life that qualifies me for whatever this inheritance is?”

“None at all. They said they would engage in third-party verification to ensure the veracity of the claim.”

“I guess we should proceed, right? I mean, anything that helps get a house will make this easier.”

She gave him an odd look. “You’d have no problem getting a house now. You have no debt, ample down payment, and you have a literal multi-million-dollar asset to use as collateral.”

Buck shook his head. “I wouldn’t want to use the ranch as collateral.”

“Even if it wasn’t used as direct collateral, the fact that you own it free and clear is going to make getting a mortgage a cake walk for you.”

“Oh.”

“You had no idea?”

He shook his head. “I don’t even know what kind of place I can afford.”

Mari blew out a breath and added a card to the top of the stack of papers that read Imani Nazari, Realtor. “I trust her to take care of you.”

“Thanks.”

She glanced back at her computer. “Noah Haney is available to work with us for a little bit.” She gave him a penetrating look. “You up for telling us everything that happened with this therapist?”

“No, not really, but I’ll do it anyway.”

“I know it’s hard, but we’ll get through this.”

~*~

Buck: I have a personal emergency. Need to take the next couple of shifts off. Three if you can arrange it.

The response came barely a minute later as Buck was following Will to his study on the third floor of the house. Which was where Buck knew Will’s bedroom also was, but other than his dazed confusion the night Marika came over when he’d first seen Will’s study, he’d never been up to that floor.

Cap: Can you elaborate?

His hands curled into a fist, frustrated by the question. Technically, he was on probation, but his probation was only set at nine months. LAFD was typically a year, but they could set the target differently for out-of-state transfers or for people with exceptional qualifications. Because of Buck’s past experience with SAR, they’d thought about making his six months, but his lack of firefighting experience had had them split the difference at nine. Then, weirdly, the department hadn’t accepted any of his SAR credentials, stating he’d need to recertify for SAR.

California apparently rarely accepted out-of-state certifications. It was a whole thing that annoyed a lot of people and cost the state a ton of money in recertification. Buck still didn’t understand why they cut three months off his probation time but rejected the credentials that allowed the reduction, but bureaucracy was a mystery at almost any time.

Regardless, he only had a month of probation left. He was keenly aware that he needed to not rock the boat with Bobby after his performance issues. However, he hadn’t taken a single day of vacation or sick leave since starting, so he had at least ten days accrued. Him taking two days off shouldn’t be a catastrophe.

He flashed Will an apologetic look and texted Bobby back.

Buck: Do I need to explain? Family issue I need to deal with and need some time.

Cap: This is an actual emergency?

Buck gritted his teeth.

Buck: If you’re denying my request I’ll be on shift and will sort out my problems in a way that doesn’t impact my job captain. Sorry to be a bother.

Cap: I’m not saying that and you’re not a bother, Buck.

Buck: I’m assuming the issue is the short notice and not the amount of vacation days since I haven’t taken a single day off since I started. Since the notice is obviously an issue I’ll sort something else out. Thanks.

He started to put his phone down, and then it buzzed again

Cap: You haven’t taken any time off since you started? Sorry, I didn’t realize.

Cap: Of course you’re right, you don’t owe me an explanation about your personal issues.

Cap: I’ll get a floater for your next three shifts. If you need more time than that, please contact me as soon as you know so I can keep the floater.

Buck: Thank you.

He decided not to respond to anything else Bobby said since he was a little annoyed. A second later, the phone buzzed one more time.

Cap: Everything okay?

Buck put the phone down without answering. He’d take that question more seriously if Bobby had led with it.

“Sorry,” he directed to Will. “I was trying to arrange some time off, and my captain decided he needed to know why.”

“Did you tell him?”

Buck shook his head. “This all feels surreal, and I want to get my head around it without my coworkers breathing down my neck. Also, I’m not sure how they would take it.”

“That’s fair, and it’s also none of their business if you don’t want it to be.” He passed over another blueberry tea. “How’d it go with Mari?”

“I’m going to get addicted to these things.”

Will smiled enigmatically and gestured for Buck to speak.

So, he explained his very long afternoon with Mari Bettencourt.

Will frowned down at his own drink. “What are they going to do about this therapist?”

Buck shrugged. “Noah said he’d begin some discreet inquiries to see if there have been any complaints to HR or the union that got buried. I dumbly suggested going back to see if she—”

“Oh my god.”

“No, I know. Mari and Noah were both horrified.”

“Considering what I now know, it makes a lot of sense why you’ve been so weird lately. Retraumatizing yourself is not the answer.” Will scowled. “I’ll trust that they know what they’re doing on that front. You okay after talking about all that this afternoon?”

Buck shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel kind of numb right now. It’s certainly not something I’d planned to talk about, and Mari made sure I understood that it was sexual assault.”

“It was,” Will said hotly.

“I hear you. I just hadn’t been thinking of it in those terms.” He still wasn’t thinking of it that way, but Mari had drummed it into his head that he was reacting that way.

“But you’d been feeling it.”

Buck winced.

“Sorry, it’s not my place to push. Drink your tea.”

Buck took another sip. “Seriously, the addiction to these weird teas that taste like blueberry despite having no blueberry in them is real.”

“My grandfather loved them, and they remind me of him. Speaking of. Come on.” Will got to his feet and left the study. “Bring your tea,” he called back.

Closer to the main stairs leading back down to the second floor, Will opened a locked door and ushered Buck into what looked like a nice sitting room. There was an open double door that led to what was obviously a bedroom. There was a large bathroom with access from both the sitting room and bedroom.

“What’s this?”

“This was my grandfather’s suite.” He passed Buck the key. Every room in the house was individually keyed. “Get what you need for Charlotte in the morning and get moved up here.”

“I can’t— I mean, why aren’t you— I don’t….” Buck trailed off, utterly baffled.

“I’ve never been able to bring myself to live in here. The housekeeping service cleans it every two weeks, but it just sits empty. I’ve never really trusted anyone in his space. I trust them in my house, but…” Will shook his head. “My grandfather left all this to me and made sure I had a good start. He made sure I wasn’t denied any of the things my siblings got. Now, I get to make sure Charlotte has a better beginning. There’s more room here, and it’s a full floor up from any of the other renters. Plus, my grandfather was particular about the construction, so sound shouldn’t travel if she cries.” He frowned. “Babies cry, yeah?”

Buck laughed. “Yeah, they cry.”

“Take the room, okay?”

Buck could see the sincerity. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Will. Just email the increase in rent. Whatever it is. I’ll DocuSign tonight.”

Will nodded. “And if I can rent your current room out soon, I’ll be saving money that much faster.” He said with a smile. Will’s rents were reasonable, so Buck knew making a huge profit wasn’t the guy’s main goal, though he didn’t doubt financial security was a part of it.

Buck looked around. “So, I can just move in?” One of the nice things about renting from Will was that everything was furnished.

“Yep. The bed was replaced after Granddad died; it’s the brand I prefer to sleep on, but I could never bring myself to move in. It’s a Cal King, so probably better for your height than the one in your room, anyway. Get a bassinet or whatever for the little one.” He nodded firmly. “Do whatever you need to do to make a home, albeit a temporary one. Granddad hated the stairs as he got older, so his suite had a wet bar with a refrigerator and sink. Also, the electrical to this suite is upgraded, so it can handle things like a microwave and…whatever babies need.”

“And then start house hunting, eh?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Though.” Will paused and gave Buck a searching look. “I don’t want to be a doomsayer or be cynical, man, but I’d put off buying a house until the adoption goes through. Just my opinion.”

Buck blew out a breath. “Yeah, that’s a fair point.”

“The house you buy for single Evan Buckley is maybe not the same place you’d buy for Dad Buckley.”

Buck could barely deal with that shift in world view.

Will looked around. “And maybe after a few months of a new little family bringing life to this room, I’ll be able to let go a little myself and move on.”

Buck managed a smile. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

Will waved it off. “Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. That girl wouldn’t want to give you her baby if you weren’t a good man. I’m just taking the opportunity to come out of my shell a little.” His smile was a little brittle. “Maybe try to trust someone again.”

Buck felt a deep pang of sympathy for Will because he understood what it was like to want to trust people and not feel like you could. He also knew he wouldn’t want anyone to say anything overt about it.

“Thanks, Will.”

Will nodded. “Oh! I called some former colleagues who are still paramedics and asked how they handle childcare when they work overnights.” He pulled a folded sheet of paper from his pocket. “I figured you were going to be saturated with everything you have to do. One of the perks of living in a big city is that there are a lot of options for twenty-four-hour childcare. These were all recommended and are often used by first responders or people with night shift work. I put an asterisk on the two that will take close to newborn age. The others need her to be a couple of months, or possibly older.”

“Wow, thank you for the head start on this. I’ve got a couple shifts off secured, but after that, I’d be scrounging.”

“The last resort from a financial perspective would be a nanny service, but you might have to do that for a few shifts if there’s a waiting list for the childcare.”

“Right.” Buck rubbed his hand over his face. “I guess I’ll be making calls first. I can’t believe I could really be bringing her here tomorrow. I’ve got so much shopping to do tonight and in the morning before I meet Mari.”

“I’m honestly not surprised it’s happening so fast. Marika really wanted the baby out of her care, and CPS isn’t paying attention to how desperate she is. Mari recognizes that the situation is a powder keg for Marika and the baby.” Will looked around. “I also talked to Mari about the home inspections, both private and from CPS, and just to alleviate any possible concerns, tomorrow I’m going to have the handyman install a security keypad between the second and third floors so no one but you, me, and the housekeepers will have access to the floor where the baby is.”

Buck nodded, grateful for the people around him thinking so many steps ahead.

~*~

Buck lay down in his new bed, which was much bigger than his old one, and stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling. The plan in his own mind had been for him to move tomorrow, but Will had practically shoved him up the stairs and told him to move tonight so he had tomorrow entirely free to deal with getting guardianship of Charlotte.

He’d worked from Mari’s list and done tons of research on what the right thing to buy was, and he had huge orders being delivered first thing in the morning, and a few smaller orders that were pickup only. It was going to be chaos before he met Mari around lunchtime to do the guardianship paperwork with the Samaras.

Bobby had texted a couple of more times, but Buck had replied only once that he wouldn’t be available for a few days. He didn’t want to deal with it right now. In fact, he didn’t have a lot of energy to focus on Bobby.

He couldn’t believe he might be bringing a baby home tomorrow. His daughter, if everything worked out.

His eyes felt a little hot and then wet, and he brushed the tears away.

He’d always wanted a family, but the dream of that had seemed so out of reach. The closest he’d gotten was living in the wilds, helping Prudy take care of her ranch while working SAR shifts, saving idiots from their own dumbass stunts. Prudy had made him feel like family, but he’d always been aware of her age and felt the ticking clock on their time together. Losing her had been harder than he could have ever imagined, and he’d managed his feelings by drifting around the country, having too much casual sex and way too much alcohol before landing in Peru and trying to sort himself out. After a few months, he’d pulled his head out of his ass and applied to the LAFD.

This whole situation made him realize how isolated he felt. He knew a lot of people, but he wasn’t really close to anyone anymore.

More than anything, he wanted to talk to Maddie. He had so many questions, but beyond his questions about a brother she’d never mentioned, he just wanted his sister back in his life.

Impulsively, he dialed her number—a number he’d stopped phoning years ago when she’d stopped picking up or returning his calls. The last time they’d actually spoken was nine months after he’d left a voicemail that if they didn’t talk, he’d be returning to Pennsylvania to leave the Jeep at her house because he had no way to register or insure it anymore. She’d called to arrange the transfer of title, and it was the last time they’d spoken in person.

He got a voicemail, which wasn’t a surprise. What was a shock was that it was the voicemail of some dude named Darren.

He disconnected the call and stared at his phone for a long time. He had carefully not changed his number since he’d moved to Colorado, so she would always know how to reach him, so he still had a Colorado area code. He’d gotten an LA number through Google for the department that he forwarded to his cellphone, but his real number hadn’t changed since he was twenty.

Blowing out a shaky breath, he sent a text to his father, not sure if his father would reply tomorrow, the day after, or not at all.

Buck: Hi Dad. It’s Evan. I haven’t heard from anyone in a long time. Tried to call Maddie but it’s not her number anymore. She okay?

He resisted the urge to say anything else and just hit send. He was shocked when his phone chimed a few minutes later with a message from his father. It was close to one in the morning in Hershey, and his father was not known for being a night owl.

Philip Buckley: Evan, it’s been a while since we heard from you. Maddie is fine. She calls every week or so and talks to your mother. When she calls next week, I’ll be sure to mention to her that you asked for her number. I won’t give it out without her permission; I’m sure if she wants you to have it, she’ll send it to you. I see you’re still in Colorado. Time to get on with your life and stop playing cowboys, son.

Buck swiped at the tears he couldn’t stop, hating how small his family could make him feel. He’d notified his parents of every move, including his move to LA, explaining why he wasn’t changing his cellphone number. They clearly couldn’t be bothered to read even basic information when it came to him. His father was someone he could ask about the mystery brother, but he knew deep down there was no point. There was never any point.

Buck: Thanks for the info.

He blew out a breath, wondering at his choices in adopting a child. What was he bringing her into? He had no family support, no one to back him up, no one to care for her if something happened to him.

He gave a mirthless laugh. Not that he could have ever entrusted a child around his parents. And Maddie clearly wasn’t the person he thought she was. He realized his perception of Maddie was that of an eight-year-old boy, idealized beyond belief by how lonely and desperate he was for any attention from anyone.

He shook his head and closed the chat.

The phone ringing startled him, and Abby’s name lit up the screen.

He wasn’t even sure what to do about her. No matter what he’d said, he’d known exactly where they were headed. He didn’t need a romantic partner right now, but he did need friends. Maybe she could be that.

He pressed the answer button. “Hey, Abby.”

Chapter Three

Buck pulled up in front of an unfamiliar apartment building, easily spotting Mari standing next to a black SUV, browsing on her phone. She was hard to miss because she was easily 6’0 tall in her bare feet, and she was in high-heeled boots that would probably have her towering over Buck.

She looked up when he slammed the vehicle door with a smile on her face. Then she blinked. “New car?”

“Yeah, I’ve been driving a Jeep for years, but the safety rating isn’t great, so I went car shopping last night. I did my research spiral last night and narrowed it down to five models. The KIA Sorento was the one that I found in stock and available right away, so…”

She came close and looked in the backseat. “And you’ve already put in the car seat. That’s perfect.”

“I went on a research binge on that too,” he admitted with a blush. He’d even gotten an extra base for it, just in case there was someone who was routinely driving the baby around, like a nanny.

“All of this shows you’re taking this seriously.” She gestured to an older woman who had been standing nearby that Buck hadn’t even noticed. “This is Pauline. She’s been working at our law firm since before phones were invented.”

Pauline huffed.

“She’s also a notary, and she’s along for the paperwork. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get her on her way as quickly as possible.” The bag Pauline was carrying was huge.

“Right.” He shook hands with Pauline, who was easily a foot shorter than Mari, then he looked up at the apartment building. “I don’t know why I thought they’d still be living in the same place. It couldn’t have been good memories for her.”

“The prior apartment is a Section 8 housing, and I think CPS and social services helped them transfer to a different building with the same owner. There are usually provisions for such a thing with victims of abuse or domestic violence.”

“Right.” Buck blew out a breath, not sure why he was stalling. “Bet he wasn’t thrilled with us cutting up his wall.”

She raised a brow and stared for a beat. “A reasonable person would understand, though I’m sure you see unreasonable people all the time. I got your message about your new phone number, and I’ve updated everything, though you said the old number will continue to work?”

“Yes. The original number I provided you was actually a Google Voice number I was forwarding to my old number from Colorado. I finally got a real number here in the LA area when I deactivated my number in Colorado this morning, so I’ll keep the local Google Voice until there’s been no real activity on it for at least three months.”

“Good plan. I’ll ensure we use the new number going forward; if we ever use the old number, please let me know. Richard is already here, working through things with Gretchen and Marika.”

“Richard?”

“Richard DeWitt. He took their case pro bono so they would have independent legal representation. He’s going to ensure that what Marika wants is respected, but I’m sure he sees that Charlotte being moved to a new home is in her best interests. His role is not to be confrontational, it’s just to ensure that Marika is legally protected, all right?”

Buck nodded.

“All right, let’s go up. They’re only on the third floor, but I say not in these heels. Elevator, if you please.”

While they were in the elevator, Mari said, “I’ve already arranged the home study. In these cases, the sooner we can move on that the better, and when you’re working with private home study companies, you can push the timeline. I managed to get it scheduled for next week with a company known to be well-regarded by the state. They’re even contracted with the state as well, though few want to pay their fees. Since I have your work schedule, I went ahead and booked it for Wednesday.”

“Oh. Okay, that’s fine.” The home study was a big hurdle, and he was instantly nervous. His Saturday, Tuesday, and Thursday shifts were covered by a floater. Unless something catastrophic fell through with the coverage, Buck shouldn’t have to return for a shift until the next Saturday.

“Don’t worry. They have no agenda for the home study but to assess the suitability of the home environment where the child will be living. They also do a check into you, but to remove some of the stress from the process, they separate the home study from the personal evaluation. And getting ahead of CPS on this is to our benefit, because I have a hunch they are going to get their knickers in a knot about Marika’s choices here.”

“Could they take Charlotte away from me?”

“They can certainly be annoying, which is why we are making moves to be on top of the situation. Judges aren’t going to look favorably upon an overworked system being used against a perfectly suitable father in a directed private adoption. For that matter, most CPS supervisors won’t be impressed, but we’ll just have to see what the case worker decides to do. We’ve kept this quiet so far, but from what Marika has shared with me, the case worker seemed very insistent about reunification, ignoring all of Marika’s concerns about taking care of the baby. That seems very odd to me.”

Buck pushed down the knot of anxiety and decided to leave the legal maneuvering to the person most qualified; Mari clearly knew what she was doing.

When they reached apartment 3F, the door was opened immediately by a woman who Buck assumed was Gretchen. She looked tired and worn down by life. She gestured them into the living room where Marika was sitting with a man in a polo shirt and sports coat. The guy was probably in his fifties.

Marika hopped to her feet as soon as she saw Buck and darted over to him. “You still want her, right?”

Buck swallowed heavily, his mouth feeling like it was filled with ash. He could only get out a nod. How had this happened so quickly? Three days ago, he barely thought about Marika or her baby.

She seemed to collapse in on herself a little. “Thank you. I really do want her to have a good home, but I don’t want to do this anymore.” She leaned close and whispered, “Take her with you today; don’t let anything Mom says change your mind. Please?”

Buck frowned but he nodded again.

“I still think,” Gretchen said from the kitchen doorway, “that he could offer her some financial compensation if he’s getting her baby out of this.”

Mari put a warning hand on Buck’s arm.

“And as I already explained, Mrs. Samaras,” DeWitt said patiently, “you are not allowed to buy or sell children in adoption proceedings. California law is very restrictive about even what expenses can be reimbursed. As far as I understand it, young Marika kept her pregnancy a secret, so there are no prenatal expenses of any sort. At worst, in terms of medical care, if you have receipts for her postpartum expenses, I’ll approach Ms. Bettencourt to see if Mr. Buckley would be able to make a financial offer. However, Marika has made it clear that she approached him and requested that he adopt her child; he did not seek out this adoption, so any reimbursement he made for her medical expenses would be because of his kind-heartedness and not because he’s legally required to do so.

“In any case, all we’re doing today is handling the guardianship paperwork. We will be working on the paperwork necessary for the adoption in the days to come.”

“You’re supposed to represent our interests, right?”

“Marika’s interests, yes. And to some extent, the child’s interests. And part of protecting Marika’s interests is informing her of what the law is and that she cannot sell her baby, no matter how much you pressure her to do so. No matter what you call it, soliciting money for this child is selling her in the eyes of the law. And I will not jeopardize my ability to practice law so that you can be unreasonable.”

Gretchen threw up her hands. “I just want my daughter to have a future! Is that so awful? It’s not for me; she should get something from all this tragedy.”

“I get to walk away,” Marika snapped. “I get to know she’s taken care of and will be loved, and I don’t have to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for hating her because she exists due to what your husband did to me.”

Gretchen paled and took a step back. “Marika.”

“We’ve talked about this over and over, Mom, and I’ve tried to be nice and considerate of your feelings, but that’s the truth about what happened. And this is what I want. I want this part of my life done. You said Aunt Tabitha will take us in, and I want that. I want to move on, but we have to do this first. And you trying to get me some money isn’t making this go faster. I don’t deserve money, okay? I didn’t deserve to be raped, but if there’s going to be compensation, it should come from him, not Buck. Now, would you please stop. I need your help to get through this, not you fighting me all the way.”

Gretchen looked defeated. “Okay, Marika. Whatever you want.”

Marika nodded. “Please sign the guardianship paperwork so that Buck can go. Also, we don’t have any expenses. Everything was covered by either insurance, Medicaid, or whatever.” She waved her hand. “I think the hospital waived a bunch of fees too.”

“Yeah,” Gretchen agreed. “There weren’t any medical bills.”

Marika picked at her hem. “They’re even paying for my therapy appointments, but I’m not sure they will after this.”

“They should,” DeWitt said placidly. “We’ll discuss what you should expect going forward after Mr. Buckley has left with Charlotte. Let’s get to the paperwork that needs to be signed so we’re not holding up Ms. Bettencourt’s notary any longer than necessary.”

Buck distantly heard a faint wail. “Is that…?”

Marika made a face. “She cries a lot.”

“Does she need to be fed?”

Marika looked at her watch. “Maybe.”

“Oh, it can wait until we sign the papers,” Gretchen snapped.

“No, it really can’t,” Buck bit out. He wasn’t setting the precedent that she could just be hungry because Marika was almost off the hook, or whatever they were thinking. He took a steadying breath. “If someone will point me to her, I’ll take care of whatever she needs while you two start looking through the guardianship paperwork.”

Marika looked a bit abashed. She pointed to a closed door. “That’s my bedroom. She’s in the bassinet by my bed.”

Buck nodded, exchanged a look with his attorney, who seemed to be trying to hold onto her temper, and went into the room, feeling awkward but trying not to let it show. He’d handled babies over the years, so it wasn’t completely new to him.

“Bassinet” apparently meant a little basket by the bed, and Charlotte’s supplies seemed to be contained in a diaper bag and an extra box of cheap diapers on top of a cluttered dresser. CPS really thought that this was okay?

The baby was so tiny, lying on her back in the basket in a pale greenish onesie. It was as if it was being washed so frequently it was losing its color, but the child was only a couple of weeks old; did they not have more clothes for her? Also, Buck was pretty sure babies this age were usually swaddled or something when they slept. He spotted the likely swaddling blanket beside the basket. At least it wasn’t just loose in there with the baby. Though maybe it was best that they weren’t trying to swaddle her. He’d read it was better not to do it than to do it badly.

He put off all his questions in favor of focusing on the miserable little girl, whose cry was thin and weaker than he thought it should be. She was younger than any baby he’d handled outside of his job.

Leaning down, he lifted her carefully, immediately pulling her to his chest. “Hey there, sweet pea. Everything’s okay. Are you hungry?”

She stopped crying almost instantly, pressing her face against his throat, which was an easy place for her to nuzzle into with the way he was supporting her head. He felt his breath catch at the way she seemed to try to curl into him.

A few beats passed before she made a little noise of complaint, her mouth starting to work at his skin, as if seeking.

“Yeah, you’re hungry. Hold on, let’s go to the kitchen.” He wasn’t sure about making a bottle one-handed. Fortunately, he didn’t have to. The minute he stepped into the living room, Gretchen handed him a bottle, her expression sour.

“I already bagged up the formula and bottles; they’re by the door. I’m going to go pack her stuff in Marika’s room. You can feed her in the kitchen. I already signed the papers, but they want to be sure Marika understands everything.”

Marika wasn’t even looking up, focusing on what DeWitt and Mari were telling her. Technically, Buck needed to be hearing this guardianship spiel too, but he’d already been over it in-depth before he’d left the attorney’s office yesterday.

He took the out and went to the tiny kitchen. He was pretty sure he was supposed to test the temperature of the bottle, so he shifted Charlotte into the cradle of his arm and then managed to get some formula on his wrist.

It seemed too hot to him, so he ran the bottle under cool water for a bit and then tried again.

Charlotte was starting to fuss more earnestly, less happy to be held away from his skin, but she immediately settled when he teased the corner of her mouth with the nipple. She latched on like she hadn’t eaten in days and then proceeded to drink like she was fighting off starvation.

Buck squeezed his eyes shut, wondering if Marika had bothered to feed her today, or if she’d just checked out now that Charlotte was no longer her responsibility.

He focused back on the baby, watching her gradually slow down on the suckling. He tried to compare the size of her now to the size of the baby he carried down those stairs, wondering at how much bigger she was. He didn’t even like the memory of those moments while holding Charlotte, but he thought she wasn’t much heavier or bigger than she’d been two weeks ago.

Walking back and forth in the small kitchen, he murmured nonsense to her, promising her that it would be okay, that he’d take good care of her.

He just hoped he’d be able to keep that promise.

~*~

Pauline had even carried a mini printer with her and had printed off extra copies of the finalized guardianship agreement. Now, she was gone with the copies she needed for Mari’s files. Marika had a copy of the final agreement and, most importantly, Buck had a notarized copy of everything so he could begin caring for Charlotte as her legal guardian.

They were fast-tracking the adoption as much as possible, but it was still not an instantaneous process, though an uncontested directed private-party adoption with both parties in the same state was possibly the fastest scenario for an adoption proceeding outside of a stepparent adoption. How long it would actually take would likely come down to how many roadblocks CPS threw in their way. Mari and Mr. DeWitt would work together to handle the initial hurdles so Marika and her mother could leave the area, provided they be able to reach Marika for paperwork and necessary court proceedings.

Then Buck was standing with Charlotte still in his arms, paperwork complete, with Marika standing across from him.

“Did you want to say goodbye to her?” he asked hesitantly.

Marika crossed her arms over her chest and looked away. “I—” She bit her lip and looked down. “I know it makes me terrible, but I honestly hope I never see her again. If you give her a good life, that’s all I need to forget about all this and move on.”

“It’s probably not that simple.”

She met his gaze again, frowning a little. “No, maybe not. But right now, I need it to be.”

Buck nodded and stepped back.

Mari Bettencourt cleared her throat. “For this to work, especially to work quickly, even if you move to your aunt’s, you still have to be available to CPS and the courts if they have questions.”

Marika. “You said I can have them start with Mr. DeWitt, right?”

“Start there, yes, but be pleasant about it. Unless you’re being served with a summons, in which case you need to just deal. Be nice, take the summons, and immediately call Mr. DeWitt. He’ll need to see it ASAP and will advise you on how to proceed. Outside of a summons, be courteous but firm, tell them to contact your attorney, and he’ll get in touch with you if it’s necessary.”

“Okay.” Her gaze never drifted back to Buck or Charlotte as she finalized a couple more things with her attorney and Mari.

Then Buck was leaving with Charlotte in his arms and a flimsy diaper bag slung over his shoulder. He deliberately forgot the box of cheap diapers. There were a few in the bag, but he’d be getting something better immediately.

Charlotte was asleep when he got to the car, and she didn’t wake as he got her in the car seat, despite his fumbling with the buckles.

Then Mari was there, holding out her hand. “Keys.”

“Keys?”

“I’m going to drive. You seem overwhelmed and like you could use a bit of a break. You can drop me back here later.”

“Mari, you don’t have to—”

“Whatever. I don’t have to do anything, but I cleared the afternoon for this, so let’s go.”

Buck dropped the keys into her hands. She’d helped him find a pediatrician—likely calling in some favors—that would get them in this afternoon to do an initial assessment on Charlotte.

As they were driving, it occurred to him to ask, “Are you coming along for legal reasons?”

“It’s not strictly necessary from a legal perspective. The doctor’s report and testimony are all I really need if there’s anything wrong with Charlotte, but it’s not a bad thing to see the evaluation myself if you’re agreeable. If necessary, I’ll document any issues myself.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.” It was nice to have company for this because Buck was feeling overwhelmed. Someone had just handed him a baby and let him walk out the door with her as if that were normal.

They got settled in the car, and she patted his arm. “Everything is going to be okay.”

~*~

Dr. Grace Bradshaw was easily in her late sixties and had a stern countenance except when she was holding Charlotte. She was all friendly smiles and easy manners when she was talking animatedly to the baby.

Charlotte seemed to visually track the doctor when she was speaking, which was something the doctor was apparently looking for.

At the end, Dr. Bradshaw handed Charlotte to Buck and sat down to review the file Mari had brought with them. The doctor insisted on seeing the patient before reading the history.

Finally, the doctor leaned back and crossed her arms, giving Buck a long, searching look. “I assume I can speak in front of your attorney?”

“Yes, you can say anything in front of her.”

“Based on hospital records, the child was five pounds, fourteen ounces when she was admitted. She was a little over nineteen inches long, which puts her on the very long end of the scale for a baby of that weight. She was likely full-term or near enough, and the attending felt her lungs were fully developed, but the circumstances after her birth had compromised her lungs due to the…drowning.

“Considering it’s only been two weeks, and she was in the hospital for five days of those two weeks, I’d say she’s all right. Not great, mind you, but all right. There’s some diaper rash, which is ridiculous since there’s no reason for what I’m seeing here, but we’ll explain how to handle that. Overall, we’re looking for babies to gain one to two pounds in their first month, and so she should be at least half a pound heavier right now, though ideally more. And she’s barely three ounces heavier than when she left the hospital. In the hospital, she was fed by NG tube for two days, and the records indicate that once she started eating on day three, her appetite and weight gain seemed normal for a full-term baby. So by day five at discharge, she was putting on weight like a normal newborn.

“The fact that she wasn’t really gaining weight under her biological mother’s care indicates a pattern of neglect to me. I’m certainly going to document it as a point of concern, but the evidence of that will be in whether the child starts to gain weight now.”

“Will you be reporting her to CPS?” Buck asked cautiously as he gently rubbed over Charlotte’s tummy.

“The child is no longer in her custody and, as I understand it, my report will be used in legal proceedings to keep her out of the mother’s care, so there’s nothing more I need to do unless the child is placed back with the biological family. Because I gather the grandmother actually had custody even if the mother was ostensibly providing the care.”

“Okay. And what do I need to do?”

“Feed her…take care of her. She’s a baby, not a bomb. Hopefully, she’ll turn out to be a normal baby, with normal health problems at the normal times, but we’ll keep an eye out for the sorts of issues that can arise from oxygen deprivation shortly after birth.

“Feedings for her should be every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4-5 at night. At this age, I recommend feeding when they’re hungry, not on a schedule, but you can try some bottles on schedule, such as at bedtime or in the morning. You’ll be able to assert more rigid feeding schedules as she gets older.

“She’s going to fall asleep on you a lot, because babies her age sleep all day, but at bedtime, put her down on her back to sleep in her own bed. Babies need to learn to fall asleep in their beds, not with their parents. If they only learn to fall asleep on you, breaking them of that habit will be hell.

“Also, this child will greatly benefit from skin-to-skin contact for as many hours a day as you and she can manage it. Children in her circumstances need it desperately from birth, but it’s likely she hasn’t had any at all, so best to start that soonest. It should help with stress reduction and aid in brain development, even though we’re already two weeks in.”

“Even though I’m not her mother?”

“You’re her father now, and any caregiver can step in and provide this sort of support. My nurse will give you a pamphlet about providing skin-to-skin contact for babies. And this can go on as long as the baby tolerates and enjoys it.

“We will also give you literature on bathing. The umbilical cord has already fallen off, so you’re clear to give baths, but babies her age only need baths two to three times per week. Her skin is much too delicate for daily bathing, and that dry-looking skin on her feet and hands needs to fall off on its own—no lotion. That’s in the pamphlet, so don’t look so overwhelmed like you need to remember everything. My guess is she hasn’t had a bath recently, possibly not since she came home from the hospital, which is a worry, so that’s in the cards for tonight. Unless you want to do a bath here with one of my assistants helping for the first time?”

Buck thought through that. A baby bath was one of the things he’d bought, but the idea of bathing her by himself the first time completely stopped his brain. “I’d…yes, I’d prefer some assistance with the bath.”

“Okay, then. You’ll do her bath here with Helen helping you, but you’ll be doing all the work, and then you won’t need to do it again for a couple of days unless Helen thinks you need to do it sooner due to any skin issues. She’ll explain how to handle the diaper rash both at bath time and between baths. And certainly at diaper changes.”

Dr. Bradshaw went through every little thing, promising literature on every point so Buck didn’t have to try to remember. “I’ll want to see you back in a week so we can check if she’s gaining weight and if anything new has come up. If things seem good, we’ll set an appointment for two weeks, and then get you back in for her two-month vaccination appointment.”

Mari patted his arm. “I have your work schedule. Want me to go make your appointments while you get started on the bath?”

“Um. Yeah, if you don’t mind…?”

“Not at all.”

As soon as Mari was out of the room, Dr. Bradshaw pinned him with a look. “You doing this to save this baby again or because you actually want to be this kid’s father?”

Buck stared down at Charlotte, who was awake and just staring up at him. “I’m afraid to get my hopes up, afraid this is all going to go wrong and I’ll just be a temporary guardian for a while, but it’s not about saving her.” He carefully pushed a little tuft of baby-fine hair off of Charlie’s forehead. “She belongs with me.”

Dr. Bradshaw patted his hand. “Hopefully, we’ll have years of caring for Charlotte together. And call me Dr. Grace. All my patients and parents do.”

~*~

Charlie got fussy right before the bath, and it was clearly hunger, not the bath, so things slowed down a bit to feed her. The office staff had a bottle ready so fast it was like magic, and Buck spent half an hour in a rocking chair in a room filled with children’s toys, feeding Charlie for the second time. This feeding actually felt like the first time, where he could really hold her without the anxiety of what was going on with Marika and Gretchen in the next room.

Then he got some pro advice on how to burp her. Since she seemed really cranky about a sore tummy, the advice about getting the air out was greatly appreciated.

Helen then led him to where the bath had been prepared in a countertop baby bath that was very much like the one Buck had purchased. This room was much more clinical, but still clearly catered to children.

She showed him how to check the water temperature. “I’ll warn you that some babies hate the water and scream their heads off. The change in sensation drives them crazy. You basically want it skin temp so it doesn’t shock them, though a degree or two warmer is usually okay as the water tends to cool quickly—no more than a degree or two, however. If it feels appreciably warm to your wrist, it’s too hot. Fingertips aren’t the best judge of temperature. Then get the bath done as efficiently as possible if they’re unhappy.”

Buck got Charlie out of her old onesie and diaper and slowly put her in the bath water. She blinked a bit and then promptly fell asleep.

Helen laughed. “And then some babies find the water soothing and do that. Well, let’s get bathing.”

The bath was nerve-wracking, and he was glad he wasn’t doing this at home by himself. Charlie was so small and slippery in his hands, plus despite having read online about how to bathe a baby, he blanked on all of it and felt like a complete fool with no idea what to do. He stood there with the baby washcloth in his hand like it was an alien object that was going to bite him.

Fortunately, Helen was patient and guided him through with gentle words and kind humor that helped him relax and get through it. Then Charlie was blinking blearily at him and looking a little cranky as he dried her off and got her diaper on, which was provided by Helen, with a run-down on modern dos and don’ts, which included absolutely no baby powder and a few other things that had changed over the years. She also gave him a primer on dealing with diaper rash and some topical treatments to use for a few days.

“I can tell that this is one that’s going to hate the end of bath time,” Helen said with a smile. “Right now, she wants to sleep too much to fuss, but when she gets a little older, getting her out of the bath is going to be hell.” She chuckled and held out a fresh lavender colored onesie covered in little white snowflakes. Once she was dressed, she seemed to go right back to sleep again.

Helen then lay down a thin blanket. “My guess is the bio parent wasn’t properly swaddling Charlotte, and it’s probably going to be important for her sleep, so let’s work on that technique. There are a few options, so we’ll see what you’re able to easily pick up and go from there. We’ll discuss when to transition from swaddling at your two-month visit, but definitely stop if you see any signs that she’s rolling over on her own and give us a call. In fact, that’s the sign that it’s time to transition her out of her bassinet as well.

“Despite modern controversy, swaddling at night is entirely appropriate if your child finds it comforting as long as it’s done properly with regard to the fit and giving the hips and legs adequate room. Also, if she gets fussy during the day, some swaddling won’t hurt her if it helps soothe, and I can show you some techniques for a looser swaddle to give even more leg movement during daytime hours. There are also little sacks that provide a partial swaddle for daytime, but I don’t recommend them for nights.

“When it comes to the daytime, let her guide you about what she finds comforting, though my hunch is she’s going to find skin-to-skin the most beneficial. Though, for that matter, if swaddling doesn’t soothe her at night, there’s no point in it. There is the occasional baby who just doesn’t like it at all, though my experience is that most babies, for at least the first month or two, find comfort in it at night. They sleep better, so you sleep better.”

“Okay.” Buck handed over Charlie and watched Helen go through the process of wrapping her up like a little baby burrito, which Charlie slept right through. Then Buck tried it, with Charlie only waking slightly. It took him a couple of attempts to get the technique right, and Helen had a printed sheet of paper with the steps to proper swaddling and what to avoid.

As he held Charlie to his chest after the last attempt, she seemed relaxed and utterly zonked out after her busy day.

“You picked that up great. We’ll send you home with two swaddling blankets and some links to order more. Keep it simple. Fancy swaddling blankets aren’t better, and sometimes just make it harder because the material may be too slippery. The recommendations for when to keep her swaddled are all in the paperwork, but no matter what any site recommends, listen to your baby; if they’re comforted by it, it’s okay. If they don’t like it, stop doing it. She’s too young to be manipulating you.”

Buck laughed.

“Again, the major thing to look out for is her rolling over on her own and getting strong enough to break the swaddle, which won’t be for some time. When either of those things starts happening, there will be a real transition in her sleep habits. Seeing her arm out of her swaddle one time doesn’t mean she’s breaking it, by the way. It could just mean you didn’t do a great job that one time, so try again and monitor more closely.” She gave him a kind smile. “Feeling overwhelmed yet?”

“Since before I even picked her up.”

“Then you’re doing okay. During business hours, you can call us with questions. If you’re okay with waiting for a call back, you can ask for me and I’ll get to you by the end of the business day.”

“Oh. That’s really nice of you.”

“We try to foster a full childhood relationship with new parents.” She patted his arm again. “Come on. Let’s try the swaddle one more time now that you’ve had a break—we want to be sure we give the hips adequate room—and then we’ll get you all the paperwork. Also, I threw away those diapers you had and put a few different types to try in your bag.

“The bag is kind of stuffed now because we also gave you a few more onesies along with the diapers. We’ll also give you a sealed plastic bag with some disposable bottles and pre-made bottles to get you through the day, to provide you with time to get set up with your own washable bottles.

“There should be enough diapers for a few days, however. There’s a little sheet about each type of diaper and the pros and cons of them for you to consider, as well as delivery services, recycling services, and all manner of things that weren’t available when I had my kids. The particular brand she was wearing is known for being oddly stiff and ill-fitting in the legs and causing leaks. Moreso for boys than girls, but better to avoid the leak than get peed on.”

“Ugh.”

“Right.”

Then Buck was in the reception area with Mari, a huge stack of papers, pamphlets, and a printout of upcoming appointments. Helen had put a few papers and pamphlets on top with the appointment list. “These are the most important. And remember, it’s okay to call for help.” She handed him a business card. “Nanny service because you will need it, and this one has good emergency nanny service. They’re excellent, and Dr. Bradshaw has known the lady who runs it for years. We’re fully aware that you’re not going to get the leave you need because this is a guardianship situation. And the good daycare centers are going to have waitlists once Charlie is old enough to attend.”

Buck nodded, feeling the overwhelm creep up on him again.

Mari squeezed his forearm. “You got this. There are people who will help; you just need to tell us when you need it, okay?”

“Right.” He blew out a breath and held Charlie a little tighter. “Let’s get this show on the road, huh, Charlie? First day as a new family.”

“Yes! Family picture!” Mari said brightly, pulling out her phone. “Smile for the camera, Daddy.”

Buck found himself smiling down at Charlie, who was sleeping soundly in his arms.

“Great picture,” Mari said. “I’m sending it to your phone now. Come on. I’ll take you home and get an Uber back to my car.”

Buck didn’t even try to protest this time; he was just really grateful for the help and the amazing people he’d stumbled into along the way.

Chapter Four

“She’s so small,” Will offered, sounding a little dazed as he watched Buck holding Charlotte in the sitting room of the suite. Mari had dropped Buck, Charlotte, and the car off. Then she had indeed taken an Uber back to get her own car. Before she’d left, she’d gifted him a bag she’d been lugging around all day, which he’d assumed was something of hers, but it was a large gift bag with a new diaper bag inside. It was a messenger style in sage green with little penguins all over it.

Mari had shrugged off his thanks with a congratulations on his new family, insistence on another picture, and then trotted off to catch her Uber.

Will had arrived home about thirty minutes later while Buck was still sitting in one spot, holding the baby, feeling dazed and confused by the day. The contents of the old diaper bag were spread out on his bed, waiting to be organized into the newer and bigger one he’d been gifted from Mari. The old bag was sitting by the door, ready to be thrown out along with the over-washed onesie. A symbolic goodbye to Charlie’s start in life.

“She isn’t even seven pounds yet,” Buck commented.

Will made a funny little noise that sounded like indignation.

Buck frowned and stared down at Charlie. “This next week will tell if there’s something up with her health or if Marika and Gretchen just weren’t feeding her properly. She’s only gained a few ounces in the eleven days since she left the hospital.”

Will stared, then his gaze flicked to Charlie again. “They really threw her away? Just shoved her down a pipe?”

“Mm hm. Marika did. Gretchen somehow didn’t even know her daughter was pregnant.” Buck ran his hands over Charlie’s soft hair. “I don’t want to use you as a baby holder just because you walked in the door, but I don’t think they held her any more than they had to, and I really need to prep bottles and…stuff.” He looked at all the bags and boxes of things he barely understood that he hadn’t even begun to address from his deliveries this morning, plus the diaper bag needed to be organized so it was semi-functional.

Everything had happened so fast. Though he supposed that when children were in jeopardy, the system moved just as fast, if not faster, to get them into emergency placements. This was just so out of the blue for Buck that he was overcome by it all. He still wasn’t sure why Charlie was placed back with Marika so soon, considering what had happened.

Buying the car had taken over his brain once he’d made the decision to get Charlie because he wasn’t driving precious cargo around in that deathtrap of a Jeep. As a result, he’d barely had time to accept the mounds of deliveries, run them up the stairs, and throw them into his room before he had to leave. So, the huge mounds of stuff were now their own obstacle to finishing out the day.

“I don’t suppose you’d hold her for a while so I can…” He gestured vaguely to the room.

“Yeah, I can do that. Or you can direct me to what you need done and I’ll do it.”

“Nah. I’ll get through it quickly. I hope.” He stood up and gestured for Will to sit down.

Will looked a bit hesitant, but he smiled softly as he accepted Charlie into his arms, holding her close. “You said you named her Charlotte?”

“Yeah, I’ve been calling her Charlie.”

“I like Charlotte. It sounds important and regal. Like a princess.” He gently touched her cheek. “Princess Charlotte.”

Buck smiled.

Will looked up at him. “They think her health is okay?”

“Long term, no one knows yet. Could be complications from the drowning, such as Cerebral Palsy type issues, or just cognitive delays due to oxygen deprivation of an unknown duration immediately after her birth. Right now, weight is the only problem. As long as she eats and her weight comes up, it’s just a matter of monitoring her over time for anything unusual.”

Will grinned. “You’re already sounding like a parent.”

Buck huffed and crossed to the pile of bags and boxes to get the stuff from the clinic so he could make up some bottles. “I think I’m channeling my inner first responder. The stress and surreal nature of all this hits me at odd moments, and I just space out.”

“Hmm. Well, feel free to space out while I’m still here. Have your big stress moment before you’re left on your own for the first night as a new parent.”

“God.” Buck felt like it kept hitting him like a sucker punch to the gut.

“You didn’t ask for it, but…” Will said leadingly.

“I want it,” Buck replied softly, digging through bags, trying to find the stuff he needed to get through bedtime. “I want it so much. And I kind of hate how much I want her to be my little girl… my Charlie. Because there are months of complications in front of us, and anything could go wrong. Hell, Marika could change her mind.”

Will was quiet for several moments, but then offered, “I don’t think that’s going to be the issue. I think the system is going to throw some hurdles in your way, but you’ll get through it. Marika really wants to move on.”

“I hope so.”

“Six months is usually about as fast as adoptions go, but I did a lot of checking into case law for the state of California, and once Marika signs the consent forms, and they’re accepted by the state, she only has thirty days to revoke consent. Then it’s just bureaucratic red tape.”

Buck set up the bottles and formula the clinic had provided in the small kitchen area and made a note to get a small high-top table to extend the workable counter area. “Accept her consent forms,” he repeated slowly. “Can they reject that?”

“Because there’s a whole CPS process going on, the judge is going to review that more thoroughly, but based on everything I know, they gave full custody to Gretchen even though there’s an open CPS case, but Marika should still have her full parental rights, so they have the legal right to do what they’re doing. The judge will review it, and any objections CPS might have, and make the decision. They may have some pointed questions for Marika over her termination of parental rights, but that’s something Marika will have to deal with if this is the direction she wants to take.”

Buck nodded. “And that’s sooner rather than later?”

“Her surrendering her rights is early in the process, yes. I’d guess Marika will have an informal hearing within a couple of weeks, and then she’ll be free to leave the area because there’s not much left for her to do from a legal perspective. As long as she doesn’t revoke her consent, she’ll be done thirty days after the judge approves everything. Normally, the thirty-day window starts the moment the papers are signed, and the judge could honor that date, but since there’s an open CPS case and Marika is a minor, there’s no telling what date will wind up being used.

“There’s also a process to waive the thirty-day revocation window by signing away your rights in front of a judge, but considering her age and the circumstances, I find it unlikely a judge would authorize that. But it’s hard to tell how any of this will go down.”

Buck nodded as he prepped a couple of the disposable baby bottles the clinic had thoughtfully sent home with him. He then began setting up the countertop bottle washer, dryer, and sterilizer unit, which seemed like a must, considering the “kitchen” he had was just a bar sink and no dishwasher. There was an under-counter refrigerator and built-in microwave, which would certainly help, but managing bottle washing at a bar sink had seemed way out of his league, so he’d bought the right tool for the whole bottle situation.

“That seems useful,” Will commented.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a countertop space hog, but it does everything, and it says it uses eighty-five percent less water than hand washing. It’ll be at least six months before she’s on anything but bottles, so… Technology for the win.”

“Could save your sanity.”

“The clinic gave me some disposable bottles and also a few of these handy pre-made ones for when we’re not at home because I think they knew I’d be losing my mind tonight and not able to handle everything yet.”

“You’d have managed.”

“Yeah, I would have,” he murmured. “I’m not sure the Samaras were sterilizing her bottles. Gretchen just presented the bottle to me, and the formula was too warm.” He frowned. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m not giving them enough credit, but it seemed like they just wanted to forget she was there.”

Buck prepped four bottles of formula to the right amount based on her age and put them in the refrigerator. “She’ll probably wake up soon, and I’ll warm up one of the bottles if you want to feed her…? I still need to set up the Pack ‘n Play so she has some chance of sleeping somewhere besides your lap.”

Will just nodded, now paying more attention to Charlie than anything Buck had to say. Buck just grinned and went about getting everything set up.

After getting the terrible appliance assembled, while Will was burping Charlie, Buck went to put away the instructions for the Pack ‘n Play with his papers so he could refer to it in the future if needed. Sitting on top of his To Be Done stack was the latest postcard he’d purchased for Maddie.

It was a postcard of Griffith Park, which he’d chosen because the house he was living in was fairly close to the park, and it was one of the first places he’d gotten familiar with in LA.

He’d always been a little all over the place about when he sent Maddie her postcards. Sometimes it was right when he arrived in a new town, sometimes it wasn’t until he’d been there for a while. Sometimes, he didn’t bother to send a card until he was leaving. He’d sent multiple postcards as he’d traveled through South America, including upon his arrival in and departure from Peru. He’d figured not everyone got to travel extensively in South America, and she might want to hear about where he’d been.

His last note to her on his postcard, as he’d left Peru, was that he’d really enjoyed SAR and was considering going back to it or maybe being a firefighter. But he didn’t think he’d given any indication of where he was headed next.

He’d been in LA for a while with every intention of staying, so it was weird that he hadn’t sent his usual postcard yet, but he’d filled it out just a couple of weeks ago, including with his address here at the house, advising that he was just renting a room and the landlord picked up the mail for everyone.

The postcard had been sitting on his TBD pile for weeks because he’d been so overstretched emotionally with the situation with the kid on the rollercoaster and then Welles…. He just hadn’t wanted to drop the postcard in the mail right at that time. He’d needed to be in a better headspace where putting it out into the void didn’t feel like inviting rejection.

Now, he was staring at the card, wondering how he’d feel if his sister suddenly came back into his life. He realized with sharp clarity that he didn’t want it. He didn’t even know her, and she sure as hell didn’t know him. For years, he’d had this whole illusion built up in his mind that was based on a lie he’d been telling himself since she left for college.

He tore the card in half and tucked it in with Charlie’s old diaper bag to take down to the trash.

~*~

The first tremulous wail woke Buck from sleep, and he moved immediately to check on Charlie.

He’d set the bassinet by the bed and had put her down after Will had fed her the bedtime bottle. She’d seemed fussy at first, but had settled down with Buck’s hand on her. He was mindful of the doctor’s advice to be sure the baby slept in her own bed, but he figured he could stretch things a bit and let her feel him close.

After she’d gone to sleep, he’d gone back to the sitting room, and Will had helped him sort through the mounds of bags and boxes still to go through. He’d desperately needed to start a load of laundry for Charlie, and Will had jumped in and taken that off his hands. There was apparently a small extra washer and dryer on the third floor, so they didn’t even need to share with the rest of the house, which had laundry facilities in the basement. Buck had made a mental note to do their laundry while Will was at work so as not to inconvenience someone who was doing them huge favors and was used to having the set to himself.

Buck lifted Charlie from the bassinet, and she almost immediately quieted down, though her cries were pretty soft anyway. The Pack ‘n Play had great features, including the baby seat/rocker and changing station, but the changing station snapped on over the bassinet, so the design’s usefulness was a little weird to him. Newborns slept a lot, so unless they were sleeping in their seat or rocker, the changing table was certainly not going to be snapped onto the bassinet, which just left it randomly hanging around.

He wasn’t up to figuring out the logistics of getting the change table into place while he was holding Charlie, so he just put down the travel changing pad, unswaddled her, and checked her diaper. Definitely wet, so he embarked on his third diaper change. It wasn’t super fast, but he was getting better.

Charlie seemed discontent with the diaper changing and with being unswaddled. At least until he picked her up and held her to his chest. Then she seemed to settle down and press her face against his T-shirt. He thought about the doctor’s recommendation for skin-to-skin time.

He’d read through all the high-priority documentation in an anxiety spiral while trying to fall asleep. The skin-to-skin had seemed important to start doing, but he wasn’t sure whether giving her a bottle in the middle of the night was the right time, but maybe anything was better than nothing right now.

Instead of re-dressing her, he set her down briefly so he could pull off his T-shirt, then he put her back to his chest and grabbed one of the soft microfiber baby blankets and threw it over her to keep her warm while he went to warm one of the bottles. He’d picked these blankets because they looked nice and soft and seemed like they’d feel good on Charlie’s skin.

Handling the bottle warming and testing temperature while holding Charlie was a bit of a juggle, but he didn’t want to put her down because she seemed so content. Finally, he got settled in the chair and adjusted her position so she could have her bottle, which she attacked with as much gusto as a two-week-old baby could manage. There was definitely nothing wrong with her appetite.

“It’s our first midnight feeding, baby girl.” He brushed his hand over her downy soft hair. “So much has changed for both of us in such a short period of time, but no regrets. It’s weird to think I was one of the first people to really hold you. I think Bobby was the first, though I took you down all those stairs, and I delivered you to the hospital. Now—hopefully—we get to be a family.”

He thought about all the things he wanted for her. “It’s so easy to promise everything when you don’t even know what’s really needed, but I promise to take care of you. I promise to put you first, to remember that you’re my daughter and you matter most.

“Some day, I’m going to be super embarrassing to you, and you’re going to be annoyed at your old man who wants to vet your dates and thinks no one is good enough for you, but just remember that I love you, and always wanted you. Even from the first time I held you, even though I had to let you go, I wanted to take care of you. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to say yes to your mom…because I never wanted to leave you at the doors; I never wanted to let go, Charlotte. Maybe the universe thinks you were meant to be my daughter; it sure feels like that, anyway. And there are sure some good people around us who want to make that happen.”

Her sucking had slowed to almost nothing, but she’d kept blinking lazily as he’d talked. The bottle was empty now, so he eased the nipple from her mouth and rocked her a bit from side to side. Fortunately, Will had the good sense to put a big stack of her burp cloths on the chair table, so he wiped a little milk from the corner of her mouth.

He positioned her for burping. She was so tiny that he did more rubbing her back than anything. When she let up the air, he repositioned her so that she was resting against his chest. He knew he should put her back to bed, but he figured they could finish out some skin-to-skin time first and then she could go back in her bassinet.

He made sure the blanket was tucked around her and let his hand rest on her back. It felt like his big hand engulfed her. She was kind of long and skinny, but her legs and arms were tiny and felt like bits of nothing while her torso was completely obscured by his hand.

“You’re so tiny, baby girl.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, aware that she was already asleep. “I promise to do everything in my power to protect you.” He knew he should put her back in her bed, but if she was already asleep, and this was their first night… “We’ll do our skin-to-skin during the day in the future, so don’t tell Dr. Grace I let you fall asleep on me tonight. This will be our secret, okay? Okay, then.” He considered the oddness of their circumstances. “I know what it’s like to be unwanted, sweet pea, but I promise you’ll never know what that’s like, all right? Every day, you’re wanted and you’re loved.”

He leaned his head back against the chair. It would be easy to let himself circle the drain on his to-do list before he had to go back to bed, but he tried to stay in the moment, tried to stay with Charlie and her huffy little breaths and sweet baby smell.

The End

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